Author Topic: My Story A long story of finding myself all over again.  (Read 3577 times)

Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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My Story Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #10 on: July 02, 2018, 09:58:06 AM »
Quote

    I really grasped at the hope that everything would be alright if her sister healed.

Good question to a complex issue. When everything is bad, you want at least one good thing to come out of it. For me, her survival would have been a great counter weight to everything else. Not that things would have been great, but it would have been a bright spot in a very dark place.

No, my ex would not have snapped out of it. She was gone and no matter what, I was the villain, period. Counseling was clearly demonstrating her confusion. As the counselor stated, "I couldn't get her to move either way. Divorce you or reconcile with you. She was clearly stuck in some limbo."

Now, she was lying to the counselor about OM telling her that they were no longer in contact. Later I found out that OM divorced and that spurred my ex to divorce.

A lot of have commented on my wish to stand as opposed to my decision to remarry. Yes, I wish my marriage had survived. I wish my sister-in-law had lived. Lots of wishes, but reality sets in like a hard stone in your shoe. Eventually you have to do something about it.

The divorce was an ugly part for me. I saw a side of my ex that I not only did not like, but truly hated. Since she had never worked, I ended up with alimony and child support. I could have kept my youngest with me as we had shared custody. However, my youngest wanted to move and I knew this was an opportunity for her to get a better education and different opportunities. She graduated from high  school with her diploma and AA- something she probably would not have done in this area. She has done well and I was able to focus my energy on my oldest daughter. She needed the most support as she has vacillated between loving her mother to outright hatred. I will write more on that issue later.

As I fought to make payments, keep the house, pay for one daughter's education, I found out my ex flew to the UK to see English Bob. That was a tough blow. I can take a hit, but it really hurt my oldest daughter. Hurt me, okay. Hurt my kid and the fight is on.

I also found out later that my ex was seeing English Bob when she went up to Washington to see her sister. That was bad and stirred up real feelings of anger and hurt.

So, my wish to save the marriage died. I have to be blunt and honest. If my ex came back, she would not have come back for me, but just for her own survival. The trust and hope was gone and replaced by pure indifference. The raging and anger was gone as well. I now not only saw our time during MLC as a crisis, but the entire marriage as a lie.

I have seen my ex twice in the two years. Once down here at my daughter's graduation party. I invited her and she spent some time with both my daughters. Then the second time was when I drove up with my youngest so she would have a car for college. We ate dinner together and at the end she gave me a hug and I was truly repulsed by it. My whole body shook. I actually felt sick because she asked for the hug and I just gave it to her despite not wanting to. 

I knew then that we would never be a couple again. We were a broken mirror with far too many pieces to put together.  I hope this helps. I have come to a deep realization that I am not always right, in fact I am often wrong. Sometimes, I can be right and still be dead right. It is not an explanation that may support others on the site, it is just my experience and how I reacted. Simply put, it just explains me.

I will talk about my new relationship in my next post.

((((Hugs)))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline limitless

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #11 on: July 02, 2018, 11:27:52 AM »
READY!!!!!

So very good to hear from you!

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage...and also to how very well your daughters are doing!

I also divorced (5 years ago) and have just recently started dating.  My Ex is a memory.....nothing more.

Glad to see that you are moving forward with your life!

Hugs....and more hugs.

L
M -58,  ExH - 64 (56 at BD)
M - 33 years (do the last 3 years count?)
D - 28, D -24, S - 24 (only S 24 at home)
BD 5/29/2010, Ran away from home - 8/15/2010,
Found out about affair - 2/11
H asks for divorce - 8/11
H filed for divorce 10/11
Announced "new" girlfriend 12/12 (3rd OW)
Divorce final 06/13 (I decided to finish it)
Dumped OW#3 9/15 (After 4 years)
Seeing OW#1 again
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Offline in it

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #12 on: July 03, 2018, 04:37:23 AM »
Ready!
Great to hear from you. :)
Life does go on after what we went through

In it

( formerly In it for the Long Haul..that ship sailed)
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online Treasur

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #13 on: July 03, 2018, 04:41:57 AM »
Thank you for posting, Dr Ready, and congratulations on both your academic success and your impending wedding.
It prompted me to read back through your story last night.
No-one could have tried harder or with more grace and courage to protect their family. You are a remarkable man.
It is as valuable to see all the different versions of post-LBS life and to be encouraged that if others survived this dark insane storm, we can all do so too.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline xyzcf

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #14 on: July 03, 2018, 06:25:57 AM »
HELLO READYTOFIXMYSELFFIRST!

For many who do not know ready, this man saved me many times when I was in a terrible place. He spent hours responding to posters and his support was absolutely the best! I am grateful for all the help he gave me way back then.


Quote
I now not only saw our time during MLC as a crisis, but the entire marriage as a lie.

I hope ready, that your whole marriage was not a lie. I do know that I have friends who look back on their marriage and feel that it wasn't a very good marriage.....it seems that many MLCers had some "issues" that we were aware of, that when we look back, we can identify some clues that all was not right with them.... we had issues too.

But this crisis hit us and wrecked havoc in our lives and the lives of our families and caused ever lasting wounds.

Still, in my 32 year marriage, it really was a deep and loving marriage...this man is not the man I knew for 35 years....and I still love him, because something has happened to him that is very, very damaging and the changes in him are disturbing and very very sad.

I am well. Standing and will remain standing. Receiving therapy as I felt I was stuck.

Happy to hear that you got your doctorate!!!!!!

Happy that you have found joy again!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline calamity

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #15 on: July 03, 2018, 11:25:49 AM »
Hello Dr Ready,
I just dropped in for a look today and there you were! 

Thanks for your update.  I think what your ex's story says, as we have heard again and again, it is really nothing to do with us.  Nothing.
So we just, carry on.  And enjoy life. 

Valsie always asks about you and now I have some news.  8)

Offline calamity

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #16 on: July 03, 2018, 01:19:28 PM »

Offline in it

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #17 on: July 03, 2018, 05:18:13 PM »
So tell us how did you meet this new lady of yours?
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline LisaLives

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #18 on: July 05, 2018, 07:55:31 AM »
Dr. Ready, good to see you!  And so appreciative of what you wrote--that you now believe your marriage was a lie. 

I felt that way really early on and had a hard time explaining it, but I have never wavered in it, not even to my kids, and though it was very painful for them, they now feel it and understand it, too, but it is a tough stone to swallow.  Also, one no one should ever have to... 

I fought so many battles over this philosophical belief, and it is ultimately why I was not a welcome presence to many on this forum.  I also believe it is what keeps so many from moving on.  There are all different kinds of disordered people, since we are all disordered in our own brilliant ways.  There are lots of different kinds of MLTs, we all go through at least one, but only some end up in crisis.  At the heart of standing is the belief that a severe MLC is a temporary change into "something else" for a temporary period of time, at the end of which the person will return to the same, or a better version of the one we knew.  There is little tolerance, for many LBS going through the pain and trauma, for the idea that maybe their spouse was really not what we thought.  The ability to accept that maybe WE made a mistake and should forgive ourselves for it, is very hard to accept, but is the only thing that allows some of us to move on in a positive way. 

I wish we could have a drink and have a conversation, there are so few people IRL that can have this conversation, but you have moved on, in so many positive ways!!  Congrats on your graduation, your impending wedding, launching two young adults, all of it!  I have been engaged for years, but am afraid to take the actual leap into marriage, too many things to reconcile and I love my uncomplicated life...  But am glad you are doing it, hope she deserves you, and that you have many, many years of happiness!!  Thanks for coming back to update us, love and light, Lisa
 
The best thing about banging your head against the wall for so long is that it feels so good when you finally stop...

BD 1/16/10
D Final 7/21/11
exH married OW the next week and moved across the country to be with her... 

LL CHOSE to live happily ever after...

Offline Anjae

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #19 on: July 05, 2018, 03:20:58 PM »
I have a few questions for both you Ready and Lisa. If your marriages to the MLCer were a lie, why did you stay? Why did you had children with your spouse? Were the two of you having a MLC of your own when married for years on end to your MCLer?

Were you incapable of seeing your spouse were disordered? And, if you weren't, again, why stay and have children with them? I am not able to understand that people that are not having a MLC, or are addicts, or have a personality disorder, stay within a sham marriage and even have children with the sham spouse.

It is not that you weren't welcome, Lisa. You were. You are still here. It is that you jumped on people who said that they knew they had a good marriage because, for you, everyone had to beem in a marriage that was a lie and not aware of it, just because that is what you end up concluding about your marriage. Except, that was not real for many of us. And you refused to accept that not all of us had your reality/conclusion.

You don't seem to understand what a MLC is, and that is fine. But I doubt most of HS has been in a marriage that was a lie.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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