Author Topic: My Story A long story of finding myself all over again.  (Read 4816 times)

Offline stayed

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My Story Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #20 on: July 05, 2018, 08:47:20 PM »
Hello Ready, heard you had posted so decided to come in and read your post personally.  What a breath of fresh air!  Delighted to see MORE PROOF that life does go on.  That you and your children are doing well, that you lost MLCer is still lost.. not that, that is a good thing, but it does prove that when the LBS focuses on themselves, things simply work themselves out.  Fantastic.

Congratulations on your doctorate, on your daughters masters degree and her upcoming job.  Congratulations on taking BACK your life. 

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Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #21 on: July 06, 2018, 12:33:23 PM »
Hello,

Thank you for your posts of support and questions, I want to be transparent and honest. I am not suggesting to anyone that the decision to stand or not stand is better or worse. In fact I truly believe that standing for the time I did before the divorce was important for me as a person to understand me.

"You don't seem to understand what a MLC is, and that is fine."
Just to let you know, I have been gone so long, I don't know how to quote anymore. hahaha Plus a lot of new lingo so I have had some trouble reading the threads but I think I am catching on.

You are absolutely right. If I had a complete understanding of MLC, I wouldn't be here right now. MLC is complex, deep, and very dark.  Even the stories of those that have gone through MLC and come out sound disorientated and not quite sure exactly what happened.

The reason why I posted in the first place was not to antagonize, hurt, or attack anyone on this site. I posted here several years ago and met and wrote with a lot of wonderful people who helped me, supported me, and most importantly, helped me survive.

Just like a wounded soldier that has healed- I just wanted to come back and let people know that I am okay and simply say thanks.

I am not going to post as much as I did during the early days and my only responses to other threads will be words of encouragement because despite all of this, I still truly believe that building people up is a lot harder but more beneficial than tearing them down.

As far as a lie. I am now trying to take a balcony view of what happened during my marriage. When I talk about a lie. I am talking about the lies I told myself, things that I should've, could've, would've addressed earlier and the work I needed to do on myself that would have prevented a lot of pain down the road.

In my new relationship, we both work hard to sustain it. In my prior relationship, we both were so focused on having kids that they became the relationship. So when you asked why did we have kids, because we thought that was the single purpose of our marriage.

Yes, Lisa- it would be nice to have a drink sometime!

(((((Hugs)))))

Ready




 



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Offline Onward

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #22 on: July 06, 2018, 12:54:49 PM »
You are absolutely right. If I had a complete understanding of MLC, I wouldn't be here right now. MLC is complex, deep, and very dark.  Even the stories of those that have gone through MLC and come out sound disorientated and not quite sure exactly what happened.

The reason why I posted in the first place was not to antagonize, hurt, or attack anyone on this site. I posted here several years ago and met and wrote with a lot of wonderful people who helped me, supported me, and most importantly, helped me survive.

Just like a wounded soldier that has healed- I just wanted to come back and let people know that I am okay and simply say thanks.

I am not going to post as much as I did during the early days and my only responses to other threads will be words of encouragement because despite all of this, I still truly believe that building people up is a lot harder but more beneficial than tearing them down.

As far as a lie. I am now trying to take a balcony view of what happened during my marriage. When I talk about a lie. I am talking about the lies I told myself, things that I should've, could've, would've addressed earlier and the work I needed to do on myself that would have prevented a lot of pain down the road.

Love this, Ready.
I do think it is impossible to look back with the same lens that we had when we were originally in the situation.

Looking back and over gives us insight based on what we have learned since then, and not what we could have only known in the moment.

More time and experience between 'then' and 'now' continues to change the view. Hopefully to greater clarity, and hopefully for the better.

Thanks for coming back to share.
"and though she be but little, she is fierce" - Shakespeare

Offline FearNot

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #23 on: July 06, 2018, 01:54:44 PM »
Newbie here as well, but thank you for coming back to update regardless of the outcome. Although we may all start off in the same way, the paths we travel during and after can be very different.


I am not going to post as much as I did during the early days and my only responses to other threads will be words of encouragement because despite all of this, I still truly believe that building people up is a lot harder but more beneficial than tearing them down.


It is great to see someone so warmly welcomed back and hear of what a support they were to others. You obviously helped build up those around you when you were here! That's what this site is all about and I think that's just awesome! I have been truly blessed by having my HS peeps to hold me up!
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

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Offline Anjae

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #24 on: July 06, 2018, 04:41:33 PM »
Thank for explaining, Ready.

If it is me you are talking about, you didn't hurt or upset me. You know I am logical and make tough questions.

You and Lisa saying your marriages were a lie didn't made sense to me, especially because you had kids with your MLCer.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #25 on: July 07, 2018, 02:23:57 AM »
Hi, Ready,

Thanks for coming to update, it is always good to hear how things are going!  Congratulations on your doctorate, I know how hard you worked for that.

Thanks also for explaining about the "lie"; that hit me pretty hard as well when I first read it, as it sounded so much like the justifications many of our MLCers use when leaving us, telling us that it was all a lie, never a true marriage, etc.  They say it so often that they end up believing it, just making things worse.  Even when it patently WASN'T a lie.

I'm glad your're doing well.

Offline LisaLives

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #26 on: July 09, 2018, 06:46:32 AM »

Anjae, I have been down this rabbit hole with you so many times, and I don't want to sour Dr. Ready's thread.  I thought about posting this on the old-timers thread, or even in the individuation thread, since I have caught up a bit on the recent conversations, but the question was asked here, so, sorry Ready!  We disagree, end of story.  I have never had a problem with anyone who disagrees with me, except when their lens begins to hurt their growth process, which is exactly why I had to create MY theory of MLC, for my situation, despite the prevailing opinions on this forum. 

I was a psychology major, I understand Jungian theory and individuation, and other psychologists' beliefs about individuation and other theories of midlife growth, transition and crisis, including the ones that deny MLC.  I also work as an organizational development consultant, I understand how all those individual differences become amalgamated into truly F'ed up social systems.  BUT, they are ALL theories, and every single one of us is different, with different shades of abnormal psychology, trauma, and life experiences.  No one, ever, has an identical life or psychological experience, and none of is is perfectly healthy, not in body or mind, and we all have different levels of understanding of our own imperfections.  What I will not accept is that ANYONE KNOWS what anyone else is going through, knows, or experiences.  However, in order to be healthy, every single one of us has to write a story that allows us to be the best version of ourselves at every single moment in time.  Therefore, that story has to change as we grow and learn, otherwise we are simply stunted. 

Just because my 10yo self wanted to be an olympic swimmer, and my 20yo self thought that studying and staying the course in college was the best and most important thing I could do does not mean that I should apply those lenses forever, or that they are the right lenses for anyone else, at any point in time.  By the same token, just because my 30 and 40yo self thought I had a perfect life, husband and marriage, and I was convinced I should have kids and give up my career to make him happy does not mean I have to believe that for the rest of my life.  I did have kids with my MLCer, and when he fell into his pit of snakes, he tried to make me into the bad guy, to our kids and the rest of the world.  Maybe I am mean, controlling, uncompromising, and too difficult to live with, which is how he justifies his decisions.  For me to walk through life proclaiming my 30yo story, while he tells a different one, would be silly.
 
So, the best story I can tell is MINE, that based on my lived wisdom to date, and the story he tells, that I apparently never knew him, and though I tried to be my best self and thought he chose me for that self, I was apparently wrong--so he needed to move on, and so did I.  My story.  The fact that you and others want to continue to believe a different story is absolutely fine with me, and that was why I always came here, for faith.  I admire people of faith and the strength of conviction they have.  I truly do, but I am not one of them, I don't have faith in any kind of God, or religion, and absolutely not in any person, sadly, even myself, most days.  BUT, there are amazing strong people who do, and I love their example.  But, when I see a person struggling, trying to put faith in something that is, in fact, not deserving, that is when I sometimes step in and offer alternatives.  The fact that others of wavering faith take that as a threat, is not on me. 

So, yes, the story I and my kids tell is pretty much the same--their parents had no idea who they were, or what they wanted, so they got married, had kids, and got divorced when their dad found his perfect person.  So, logically, that makes our marriage a lie, based on the facts of today.  I have a feeling my 60yo self, and their 30yo selves may tell a different story, but it has yet to be written and I am not going to try to predict it.  One day, I may get to tell the MLC story that everyone here hopes for, that we did have a perfect marriage until the dreaded MLC, he fell into a crazy abyss for a time period, came out one day, we reconciled and lived happily ever after.  But, I am not willing to live my life, today, in a way that expects or thinks I can control that end result, or that I know what he is going through and that somehow how I live my life has any impact on his end result. 

I am not trying to convince anyone else that I am right, but I am holding fast to my truth and find comfort from like-minded people.  That was why I responded to Dr. Ready.  The fact that you had to challenge us speaks to your discomfort, not mine.  I wanted to come here to celebrate Ready and all his positives, not get into an intellectual argument over whether he has a right to feel and believe as he does, right now, as his life is taking a turn to a really good place.  Love and light to all, Lisa

“Speak what you think today in hard words and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said today.”  Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance         
The best thing about banging your head against the wall for so long is that it feels so good when you finally stop...

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Offline readytofixmyselffirstTopic starter

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #27 on: July 25, 2018, 02:12:38 PM »
Dear Lisa and the rest,

First of all, Lisa- WOW, what a post. Very deep. One thing we can both agree, we view our world, our interactions with a POV that we are right. Even if our thoughts and actions are completely irrational.

I was watching a documentary of the Aurora Theater shooting. The killer planned this for a long time. Prior to his "idea", he was very depressed. However, as long as he was planning the attack, he felt alive and not depressed. Eventually, he felt he had no choice but to go through the event as it would crush him not to.

Point it, we always like to think of ourselves as right, and working within our moral compass.  Our MLCer's feel the same way. That these choices and actions are right-deserved. Even if it means rewriting history.

I am in a different relationship now. It is not better or worse than the past, but it is different. Lisa is right, I am not the same person I was 10 years ago. That person had a different focus, different perspective. That person lived for his job. His job was what he felt sustained his family. He was the provider. He loved his wife, his 12 and 8 year old daughters. He did not notice or chose not to notice the flaws in his life and more importantly his marriage. Looking back, I can see the weak signals. They are hard to see but could have been addressed before the bomb drop. However, I also take the perspective that even if I had addressed the issues while they were small, I still may not have prevented bomb drop, just delayed it.

My fiancee and I were texting last night. She wanted to get on my ipad and needed the password. I texted back the password, but just as I sent my response, she texted, "Nevermind...I figured it out."

I texted: I am so predictable
She texted: Hahaha, Yes, you are....Strange but predictable

Yes, I am a strange man. I embrace it and it defines who I am at the moment. I think the big difference now, is I have learned and accepted that I can be wrong. That I really don't have all the answers and its okay. Ten years ago, just like our president, being right was more important and when it came to arguing, I fought to win-even if it meant crushing those around me. You can be right, and you can be dead right.

When I first started posting on the forum, I was crushed. My spirit was gone. I saw nothing but pain in my world while everyone was doing so well. In the beginning it was all about trying to figure out my MLCer, how I was going to come to understand her and wait till she came back. I was also advised to focus on me and work on me. I also began to post on other threads and quickly realized that I was not alone.

These were the first steps in fixing the broken person- not my MLCer, but me....

I met my future wife through online dating. She only had three days left on her subscription and was going to let it go. She was fed up with the players and insincere people that she had dated. She accepted my offer but accepted with a grain of salt. Four years later, we are still going. We have our ups and downs, our happy moments and our sad moments. But we are building memories and moments that hopefully will fill a lifetime. Looking back, I have enjoyed the time I have spent with her. I think I can also clearly look back at my own marriage and family with a different lens. Not negative, but one that accepts his own actions as well as the actions of others. Time changes us and all of those around us. 

The 12 year old and 8 year old are now 22 and 18. With the marriage,  I will add a 21 year old and a 20 year old. Love them all.

Just like I love you. If were not for the forum, the opportunity to write and grow. To stand with those that believe in marriage and most importantly, love. I would not be here. I came back to build. To support the newbies and to reconnect with the long timers. To make our connections and rationalize our spats that make us individuals. But most importantly, I came back to continue my own personal growth that began so many years ago.
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #28 on: August 25, 2018, 07:32:26 AM »
Welcome Home, Dr. Ready!!! I was so happy to see you on here. I am so sorry it has taken me so long to find out you came back. I don't post on a thread of my own any longer, but I do read and comment occasionally.

I am also in a 5 yr relationship with a wonderful man, who I met on an online dating site. Talk about seeing things thru a different lens! He has helped me grow back into the confident person I once was. He is everything that my xH was not.

Like a lot of people, I am sure, I stayed 30 yrs. with a man who had no respect for me because I took my marriage vows seriously. We had 4 kids together and I wanted us to stay a family. When he stepped out of the bounds of marriage, I waited 2 1/2 years before I filed. He was/is never coming back. I don't want him back. I am not the same person.

I want to thank you for all the help and guidance you gave me in my early days. It was stellar advice. Now that you have healed and grown with new understandings, your advice and support will have an even greater impact.

Congratulations on your daughters' success, your upcoming nuptials, your doctorate, but mostly congratulations for finding yourself and that life is still good.

((((HUGS))))
trying2bok

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: A long story of finding myself all over again.
« Reply #29 on: August 28, 2018, 07:19:50 AM »
Welcome back readytofix! Great to hear from you!

Congratulations on your Doctorate Degree!
(hugs)
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