Author Topic: Discussion Trigger Words or Phrases  (Read 1451 times)

Offline Nerissa

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Discussion Re: Trigger Words or Phrases
« Reply #30 on: July 14, 2018, 02:57:10 AM »
Perhaps triggers which aren’t directly related to trauma are often about our pride.  We’ve been condescended to and made to feel ‘less than’.  I find the more I find my strength and the smaller the I’m alance I perceive between me and H, the less these things bother me.


Offline turtleduck99

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Re: Trigger Words or Phrases
« Reply #31 on: November 18, 2018, 05:57:36 PM »
I really hate this quote now.....it's just disrespectfully selfish....
"Ask for forgiveness instead of permission,"

Offline SteelSpine

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Re: Trigger Words or Phrases
« Reply #32 on: November 18, 2018, 06:26:09 PM »
"It is what it is"

That's a biggie for me also.

And:

"It will be okay in the end, and if it's not okay, it's not the end."

G-d, I hate that stupid saying.

I don't have much advice for dealing with it, though.

The Whatsapp 'ping' became a huge trigger for me, but it was easy just to turn off the sound.
me 54, H 50
S12, S8 & S8
M 1/98

BD 7/16  PA - OW 48, divorced 3x, no children
Separated, 8/16 - I kicked him out

BD2: 8/17 - OW employed by H at his business, three blocks from our home.
5/18  - H gets OW a new job, two blocks from my home.

8/18 - H and OW living together.

No possible legal action until immigration issues sorted out.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Trigger Words or Phrases
« Reply #33 on: November 18, 2018, 06:27:00 PM »
I really hate this quote now.....it's just disrespectfully selfish....
"Ask for forgiveness instead of permission,"
Why do you think this? People don't need to ask permission.  They just need to be honest about what they are doing so anyone else involved can make their own decisions.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline MortesbrideTopic starter

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Re: Trigger Words or Phrases
« Reply #34 on: November 19, 2018, 03:10:36 AM »
I really hate this quote now.....it's just disrespectfully selfish....
"Ask for forgiveness instead of permission,"

To me that sounds like..you only live once so do what you want, and say sorry later...but I don't like that.

Feels like you are excusing something you KNOW will hurt someone else, and that is okay because you can always say sorry.

Thumbs down.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline exhausted

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Re: Trigger Words or Phrases
« Reply #35 on: November 19, 2018, 07:25:20 AM »

I really hate this quote now.....it's just disrespectfully selfish....
"Ask for forgiveness instead of permission,"

I have a very different perspective and experience on this quote. In my line of work there is a lot of red tape that bogs down getting things done. Sometimes I do what I know is best and right prepared to ask for forgiveness rather than permission. This is not because I am doing anything worng or selfish...just avoiding the red tape that is counterproductive.

I do agree that if it hurtful to someone else then it is selfish.
Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

Online strawberry

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Re: Trigger Words or Phrases
« Reply #36 on: November 19, 2018, 09:53:01 AM »
My experience with this saying (sometimes it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission) is also in a professional setting and not interpersonal relationships.  But I guess that it can apply there too (buying something your spouse probably won’t approve of, for example).  It doesn’t really trigger me, but maybe because I haven’t had it used against me.  I’ve usually applied it or seen it used when there is no guiding policy at work and you suspect that if you ask first, the policy will interfere with being productive.
H: 43
M: 44
M: 2003, T: 2001, Friends: 1996
No kids
2 dogs, 2 cats
BD1 (Summer 2014) "We aren't happy, I should move out, we should divorce"  Nothing happened.
Nov 2014 we moved across the country for H's job
BD2 (July 2015) "I'm not happy.  I want a divorce"  H moves out for 2 weeks.
BD3 (Nov 2017) H takes a new job 2 hours away and moves out.
BD4 (September 2018) OW2 discovered despite claims there has never been one.  She outs MOW1 and discloses that H filed for Divorce, but has not served me.  OW2 dumps him.
Currently "dating" to see if we have anything to salvage.  Divorce on hold (unofficially).

Offline exhausted

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Re: Trigger Words or Phrases
« Reply #37 on: November 19, 2018, 10:01:43 AM »
Exactly, Strawberry - you said it so much better than I did!!!
Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

Offline Thunder

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Re: Trigger Words or Phrases
« Reply #38 on: November 19, 2018, 11:02:52 AM »
The words or phrase that was used to trigger me and anger me was not something my MLCer said it was my counselor and a few other people.

"Well.. people change." :o >:( 

First time me counselor said that I wanted to slap her.  Yes, people change over time, but not into a completely different person and not over night.  This was not a normal change!

Whew!  I still get agitated over that one.  I felt like they weren't even listening to me.  They heard what they wanted to hear.
They had already made up their minds I was in denial.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Velika

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Re: Trigger Words or Phrases
« Reply #39 on: November 19, 2018, 11:41:02 AM »
One of my triggers is my ex's name and voice. It has gotten a little better since I am dim and over time. However, I'm sharing this here as I think it's important for anyone to consider.

I changed my ex's name on my cell phone twice to this end. The first time was to another word that ended up becoming a secondary trigger. Finally I changed it to a mantra. This helps! I won't talk to him in most cases and if my son is on speaker phone with him I go into another room and turn on a white noise machine.

I also found myself triggered by things that I love — like our son! Unfortunately, this can be a side effect of abusive behavior, especially when it is aimed at hurting a mother with a child. Reading about this is important to understand a predictable behavior pattern. Trauma therapy has also helped a lot.

I have mentioned on my own thread and elsewhere, trauma is often processed visually and symbolically. Therefore, while it is a good idea to have a supportive therapist, if you find you are still struggling with side effect of PTSD (and this is completely understandable given the trauma of this experience), I encourage you to find someone who can help with trauma specifically. This may be separate from a cognitive behavior therapist, and in fact doing both in tandem can be incredibly helpful.

 

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