Author Topic: My Story Beauty into Beast 8  (Read 1734 times)

Offline MortesbrideTopic starter

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My Story Beauty into Beast 8
« on: July 13, 2018, 05:30:05 AM »
Previous Threads:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10107.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9973.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9865.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9756.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9651.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9589.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9466.0

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Well been a wee while back from MLC Family Vacation 2018.  ::)

Everyone is still alive..so bonus.

So I took notes in my phone to try and remember any details relevant for the site.

First things first...the KARMA bus smacked him a good one right out the gate. He managed to drop his phone down the toilet the day we were leaving. So sorry OW guess you won't be getting reassurance texts! MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.  ;D

He showed up on time to leave, in good spirits, we drove around a bit in the morning so he could get used to the car...then took kids for breakfast before heading out on the journey.

At this point (day one) he said he came because he was worried about me driving alone. Not because of the kids...because he was worried about me. Strange.  ???

During the 6 hour drive, I got some pretty weird speeches. He was talking to me at one point as if he was trying to sell himself to me. ''I am funny, no one can out wit me....I may be negative but you will never find anyone who makes you laugh more'' etc etc. To the point I actually said ''Wow you sound like you are writing a dating profile there...'' Later the conversation turned into ''All men moan eventually, they seem nice at first but we are all the same''. Lots of endearing terms ''Dearest, for you madam'' etc..He even came out with a ''We are getting on better than expected'' to which I simply said ''We always got on''...and left it there. When we finallly got to the resort he took daughter (8) to the shop, and got lost trying to find his way back to the hotel villa, so the 8 year old had to lead him back...After dinner and that he went into his room, and that was that.

Day 2 he was in a foul mood upon waking (pretty normal) and I got a 10 minute moan session about the sandals I bought for son (2). :o Eventually I got tired of hearing it and simply said ''Well if you do not like the things I buy, perhaps YOU should buy stuff for your kids''. That shut him up until we got to breakfast, he ate, and cheered up.  On the way back from breakfast he was giving the kids the story about how we met. He was smiling and nostalgic...like it was a good memory for him. This seemed really odd to me given everything but also showed how conflicted and confused he is moment to moment. This was a theme throughout the holiday, one moment complaining that daughter used to much peanut butter in her peanut butter sandwich, the next making me a coffee and bringing it over. Selfish teenager to thoughtful old self, back and forth the pendulum swung.

Later that day he was gonna take the older two out, and I was going back to the house with the sleeping youngest. He carried him all the way back to the villa ''so mommy won't hurt her back''. :o This seemed overly considerate for him, since usually he would have just handed him off and let me get on with it. That night he sat in the living room where I was, as he was watching the England match in the world cup.

Day 3 the cracks started to show. Grumpy before breakfast again, started to complain that me ''making him go on the water slide with the kids'' made him sick... He took daughter out for some one to one time, and came back from the shops with a lolly and made me a coffee again, says he will take kids Tue-Wed over the summer....then promptly challenged me to a thumb war. :o :o I mean.. I just...whatever.

Day 4 grumpy at breakfast, cursing middle son on the way for being annoying...and then it was supposed to be middle sons turn for one to one time. So true to form he took son out for an hour, brought him back, then took daughter out.....and brought her back 1 hour n half later with a slushie. So not only did he take daughter out on son's night, he brings her back with a slushie (when we have three kids) so what do you educated adults think happened? Oh yes...all hell broke lose.  :-\

Son started crying...I asked daughter if she would mind sharing because technically it was supposed to be his night, and he never got a slushie and his feelings are a little hurt so it would be kind to share... Then Beast stormed in the living room and started to scream at me ….so I walked out to leave the kids in there and went to his room. He was ranting and raving and giving it this whole ''Woe is me, you are always mean to me, I knew this would happen'' bull$h!te...so I calmly and matter of factly said ''Beast you are treating him differently, this isn't the first time, and it needs to stop'' and he said ''We aren't together anymore, I don't have to listen to your bull$h!te, everyone knows how mean you are to me'' and I put a hand up and said ''You are right, we are not together anymore...But he is still your son, and you treat him differently. Tonight was his night, you took out daughter and got her a slushie, you routinely leave him with your mom while you take the other two to mcdonalds.'' then he started ''Oh so now you are saying I am a $h!tety parent is that what you are saying'' and I just said ''Beast I don't need to say anything, you know what kind of parent you are'' and I just walked out the room.

The whole conversation lasted approximately 2.5 minutes. He seethed in that room waiting for me to come back and play the dynamic it used to be. Me coming in to cry and beg and talk and sort it out. I sat on the couch, texted my rage to a friend, then I calmed down and just started packing up since we were leaving in the morning. After about 30 minutes of me not coming in he came into the livingroom/kitchen to start passively aggressively ignoring me whilst slamming cups to get water etc...wanting a rise...but I just ignored him. Then an hour later I was packing up the bathroom and cheerily asked ''Do you need the shower stuff tonight or shall I pack it away'' to which he snottily replied ''I will buy my own!'' with as much venom as he could muster. I giggled to myself as I thought of the absurdity of it and carried on.

The next morning was the day we were leaving..he of course was still moody from the night before, probably because I never came in to continue anything with him...he probably felt ignored or...unfulfilled in that ''I want to fight'' way. But I carried on asking the kids if they had a good holiday, talking about the drive back...and basically ignoring his fuming mood vibes. After he ate he seemed to let it go. Then it was him trying to be the hero...he wanted to do all the driving back because ''I would be tired'' and he likes driving...and really there felt like some sort of ….trying to make himself important undercurrent. ???

Anyway the kids passed out and he started some of the most weird conversations I have dealt with in a while. We touched on finances a little bit, and that lead on to him getting his own place. I said ''That would be good, maybe then you can take the kids more, but it would be best if your friend wasn't there at the time'' to which he responded ''Well I can't stay single forever'' and my brain exploded with HAHAHAHAHAHA you are MARRIED, and having an AFFAIR! HOW THE FECK ARE YOU SINGLE...dude you are like double not single?! But I said ''You aren't single now''....and he quickly changed the subject.....to you guessed it...me and S. ''So are you seeing anyone, is it that S guy....is it not weird you guys met in the game we were all playing....How old is he, where does he live,'' on and on ….''Is he nice to you...is he funny...is he this is he that''. At some point I stopped giving basic vague answers and just started to let him answer himself. Then he came out with ''Was he okay with you coming on this holiday?'' to which I said ''I have been very honest about my situation and status, so of course he was'' and Beast gave me a face like he didn't believe that. So I quipped ''I imagine you were getting choked with your leash about coming'' and he said ''Yeah well it wasn't a popular idea'' then I burst out laughing and said ''What a time to lose your phone eh?!'' and I was unable to stop the rolling laughter. He raised an eyebrow and said ''I guess it would be funny if it happened to someone else...''. I contained myself and just said ''Well good luck with that when you get back, I am sure it is going to be easy to explain going on holiday with your wife and kids, and that your phone magically broke'' and I was rolling again...and he even managed a smirk surprisingly.

Later I got these stupid ''I need a broken person because I am broken'' type speeches. I wonder if that means he thought I was broken before, but now I am not.....or did he break so couldn't be with me since I wasn't broken. Who knows. But it was very clear from what he was saying that he thinks she is a crazy broken mess just like him. And there was like this undercurrent...of him not wanting to break me with his brokenness. But he never said her name, or spoke of her directly, or give her a title. She is just a broken person...he is ''single''...these are the statuses he attributes to himself which was interesting.

At one point I did make an effort to thank him for coming. Some people will not agree with that, some people will think that is weak or I shouldn't thank him for doing his job as a dad. But from my point of view he had a psycho girlfriend (yes that's his fault) and his wife (who he hurt) and his kids (who he hurt) and his own anxieties and fears to battle. It couldn't have been an easy decision to risk coming on a holiday, where he would be isolated...where I could have torn him shred to shred if I wanted...to risk the wrath of his psycho girlfriend. So I just said ''Thank you for coming on the holiday. I know it meant a lot to the kids, particularly daughter as she has been struggling.'' and that is all I said but it was enough. He said ''Yeah thats why I came. That and I didn't want you doing it by yourself''. Then he joked about the headache he has gotten from it all. I silently thought about that being in the fine print of the affair documents but whatever.

It was interesting to note...that he called in sick after we got back from holiday. Guess his girlfriend still wasn't impressed with not hearing from him, so he is playing hooky to hide out.

Anyway overall I was okay. It didn't have any real emotional impact on me. I thought it might have affected me more. But really the behaviour he shows is so erratically back and forth that you can tell he is still no where near done. He is still a mess in every sense of the word, and no where near where he needs to be to be in my life.

I imagine the holiday was much harder for him. He was expecting me to be angry, hurt, full of venom..or begging to have him back or something. But I wasn't and he didn't expect that. He was swinging back and forth between how things used to be, seeing the reality of how our dynamic has changed now...that I am not longer emotionally linked to him...he can't trigger me or get a rise. I am just not interested. I could feel it, he could feel it. And boy he wasn't liking it.

Overall though I am glad he came. I didn't have any emotional fall out. Daughter is really happy, shes been eating with no problems since...so it has really helped her in a way she needed. And if the bonus is OW is pissed and losing her $h!te...well I am okay with that.  8)

Online stillbaffled

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Re: Beauty into Beast 8
« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2018, 07:29:53 AM »
Good to have you back, Morte.  Sounds like the holiday was a success (or as much of one as it could be under the circumstances!). 

You keep being the parent that is the rock.  You're doing a great job.   :)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Thunder

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Re: Beauty into Beast 8
« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2018, 07:54:58 AM »
Oh man Mort, the play by play was excellent!

Classic MLC cycling from day to day.  Each day he was different.  Then somehow goes back to caring hubby.
Very strange behavior indeed.  I'm glad none of it effected you.  Good for you detaching like that and letting sh!t roll off.

I think it was nice of you to thank him.  I would have too.  It wasn't like you gushed over him, just a simple thanks for coming, it was nice for the kids.

Bet he was in deep doo doo when he got back.  heh, heh, heh ;D ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: Beauty into Beast 8
« Reply #3 on: July 13, 2018, 07:58:40 AM »
Glad there were no fatalities especially by your doing on the vacay!

Still following along!
I choose to feel blessed
I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited
I choose to be thankful
I choose to be HAPPY


When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F  
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy w/ F

6.22.18 announced he is moving to be with ow
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW over 14 hours away from home  Has an urge to be away from here and me
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents?  He didn't tell me he is back.


BY - Both 1966
Married 33 years
Together 35 1/3 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children
S -  1991  living across Country  - relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing - No legal action yet

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Beauty into Beast 8
« Reply #4 on: July 13, 2018, 08:55:54 AM »
Mort,

You really did well!

I hope you are feeling well after all that  :)

I think it was good to thank him - just the way you did.

I agree with others, you are being the parent your children need!
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 25
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline MortesbrideTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 8
« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2018, 02:48:22 AM »
Thanks for following along guys. It is definitely a confused pendulum for him. You can literally watch it swing back and forth every 10 minutes.

16 year old skittles eating self centred teenage mutant MLCer   vs   30+ year old man he used to be.

Offline serenity

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Re: Beauty into Beast 8
« Reply #6 on: July 14, 2018, 03:15:02 AM »
Hello Morte,

By the sound of things, you sounded like you did well to keep your cool! I think I would have throttled him!

I hope you enjoyed it despite it sounding stressful quite a lot of the time?

Hugs

X

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Beauty into Beast 8
« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2018, 04:19:46 AM »
Mort-There is SO MUCH in what you wrote that reminds me of my H that I really think they were twins separated at birth.

He may not be where he needs to be to be in your life right now but if he is anything like my H, he doesn't want to be out of your life and he will probably start to find his way back to you sooner or later. He's really attached to you, needs you and cares about you. That's really obvious in what you write, believe it or not. You've got one of these MLCers who is superglued to you. He's just got some childhood issues that are interfering with that right now. That's just my gut feeling based on what I am seeing with my H now. You can't get this guy out of your life even if you wanted to.  ;D

We were away from MIL for two months (starting at the beginning of April) and he started to act more like himself during that time. It confirmed to me that she was a big part of the problem, just like your MIL is. He slipped back into the fog right before we returned home, and we had a huge huge blowup about two weeks ago where both he AND MIL (!) wanted to throw me out, and I said go ahead, I dare you, you control everything and you are free to do what you want. I don't want it, but it's your choice if you want it.

But then the next day, he made a complete U-turn and has come roaring back in the past two weeks in that he is finally starting to get his act together with both me and his own life in terms of acting responsibly and showing/telling me that he trusts me and respects me again. Not out of the tunnel but he's definitely at the stage that HB calls the first awakening where she says they start making the changes they should have made years ago.

Keep doing what you are doing: giving him space, not letting monster rattle you, but also making it clear he act respectfully and responsibly. It may take time for him to actually act respectfully and responsibly, but I think you have a good chance of him doing so eventually because I think deep down he wants you all to be a family again.

I know I am supposed to say you shouldn't have any expectations but really I have hope for you guys and I'm not afraid to say it.
« Last Edit: July 14, 2018, 04:22:52 AM by GonerinGhana »

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Beauty into Beast 8
« Reply #8 on: July 14, 2018, 04:30:26 AM »
Morte, you are a professional LBS. I am impressed and think that you'll change those dynamics that you didn't like (e.g. the placating) when he is normal again. You have a great way of getting to the central point with him on important issues in a really clear way.

He may have 5 cell phones on him next time.

For his temper in the morning before eating, that sounds a lot like fasting glucose level problems. Some people eat a teaspoon or more of peanut butter at night to help their morning blood levels. A test of his fasting glucose levels and also monitor glucose after a meal would be helpful to see if this is the reason for his morning grumpy pattern.
« Last Edit: July 14, 2018, 04:32:27 AM by Reinventing »

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Beauty into Beast 8
« Reply #9 on: July 14, 2018, 04:47:22 AM »
That was a great recap, Morte and very inspirational!  I'm so glad you let him cycle all on his own.  It's interesting to watch, isn't it?  When you don't get involved yourself, and just detach and observe, it's a lot easier to see this breakdown really doesn't have anything to do with you.  I just love love love that he lost his phone in the beginning!
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

 

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