Author Topic: My Story Growing3  (Read 2038 times)

Online Treasur

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My Story Re: Growing3
« Reply #100 on: August 16, 2018, 06:19:39 AM »


The way I see it, MLCers officially unfriended LBS at the time of BD.  They had been unfriending us for a good while already by the time the bomb hit us.  When they start reconnecting, they are slowly friending us again. (By the way, it’s LBS’s choice to accept that re-friedning.) ....They have shown through their actions that they do not consider you a friend.  One can hardly maintains close emotional ties with a friend that has gone rogue, or expect them to interact with you like a friend.  Yes, we can be ‘friendly’ and courteous when interacting with them but be a friend?  No.

very well put....love the simplicity of this by Acorn
friends don't blow up your life, blame you for it, keep doing it and do nothing to make amends
lawprofessor said somewhere that for her love needs to be based on respect
without basic mutual respect, there is no friendship let alone a relationship
as Acorn says, it is hard to understand and accept...but it is the truth nonetheless...i have been shown more respect and care by complete strangers in the last 3 years than by the man who used to be my h
« Last Edit: August 16, 2018, 06:23:12 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Mitzpah

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Re: Growing3
« Reply #101 on: August 16, 2018, 07:23:14 AM »

The way I see it, MLCers officially unfriended LBS at the time of BD.  They had been unfriending us for a good while already by the time the bomb hit us.  When they start reconnecting, they are slowly friending us again. (By the way, it’s LBS’s choice to accept that re-friedning.)  Anyway, that’s my observation in my case.  A friend doesn’t ditch you, blames you, spew at you, treat you with discourtesy, and go find another friend to replace you.  They have shown through their actions that they do not consider you a friend.  A hard reality to face, I know, but necessary for seeing the real picture of R and I must say it did help me a lot with detachment and no expectations.  One can hardly maintains close emotional ties with a friend that has gone rogue, or expect them to interact with you like a friend.  Yes, we can be ‘friendly’ and courteous when interacting with them but be a friend?  No.



I agree - I think my h. considers me a friend and we act friendly, however, I know he is not my friend at the moment. I absolutely cannot count on him.

As for FB - pfffffft!
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 25
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline In the valley

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Re: Growing3
« Reply #102 on: August 16, 2018, 02:51:37 PM »
When I started my story it was on this topic.  I didn't exactly know how the site worked or I would have named it something different.  Anyway, mine created a new FB account, then when no one accepted her friend requests reactivated her old account shortly after leaving.  Only thing is she had changed her last name to the OM's last name.  We weren't even divorced or close to being divorced at the time ::) Then her profile disappeared for couple months.  I assumed she blocked me.  Then her profile showed up with just first and middle name after we were divorced.  I found out she dropped off because she was getting critical messages from friends and family she didn't want to see.  I then decided it best to block that profile and the other one that had like 2 friends.  I'm still friends with her sisters and many of her friends that were basically mutual friends, so she could go through them to get info. 

I just think it's best not to see the non-sense.  I don't see any good that can come from seeing that stuff.  If they actually want to have a real relationship again and act like an adult, then maybe we could change things.  If you want to detach as the experts recommend, looking at their "happy" new life on FB isn't going to help.
M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Growing3
« Reply #103 on: August 16, 2018, 03:10:12 PM »
friends don't blow up your life, blame you for it, keep doing it and do nothing to make amends

AMEN!!!!


Offline In the valley

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Re: Growing3
« Reply #104 on: August 16, 2018, 03:16:54 PM »
More thoughts on the friend topic.  I think being a friend to your spouse or ex while they're living with another person or even just sleeping with another person is just allowing cake eating.  They keep an emotional connection with you then have a physical relationship with another.  Right now I don't see myself being friends with my Ex unless she becomes single.  Even if a relationship starts back up with you while they claim to be in a committed relationship with someone else.  Aren't they then cheating with you in a way and I don't think I want to start a relationship with another cheater.  I think they'd have to breakup with OP then try to connect on a friend level for me. 
If the breakup was mutual then it'd be different and I could see being on friendly terms at some point.  When you are in a fully committed marriage with no talk of any issues, then spouse surprises you they're divorcing and leaving the family for someone else, I can't be friends until that situation is rectified by the leaving spouse.

I'm bringing this up because my XW recently told me we don't have to hate each other and we should be civil with each other "everything is in the past".  I thought well that's convenient. You can crap on somebody then just say "it's in the past" and magically we just get along now.  Except you're still with the OM and you still separated your kids and don't support 2 of 3 that's in the present.  Anyway, I just didn't respond to that.  few days later I sent receipt for a medical bill she owes half of and reminder for the $1000 she currently owes.  Got no response.  I guess being civil is only on topics she wants emotional support about.  Money I'm owed to support the kids isn't part of that deal.   
M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

Offline seahorseTopic starter

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Re: Growing3
« Reply #105 on: August 17, 2018, 06:01:13 AM »
All my wonderful friends:
I’ve been reading and re-reading your posts to me.
It is SO MUCH appreciated.
I was in a pretty funky mood the other day, and a little bit today.
Here’s why:

I was in the garage going through the boxes (same story)...  I came across all of our lifevests for the boat and kayak and reallized that H’s lifevest for the kayak was missing.
Then I went outside and saw that his kayak and paddles were gone as well!
That kind of made me angry as I bought him that kayak for his BD last year, and we used to love going kayaking together. 
I saw that ow was kayaking at a local lake and realized that H probably took her, the boat, the kayaks and went to the lake.
We used to have a lake house with our boat, etc.  Very sad to me.
I can’t trailer the boat (too hard for me), so the boat is only used by him, and I feel that’s’not fair.
I know he pays for everything, but it’s a pretty big sum of $ for boat payments and insurance every month, not to mention storage, winterization, springerization, maintenance, etc. 
I guess I need to just ignore it...

Thanks again for everyone’s posts.  Today’s crazy,but I’ll try to respond individually in the next day or so.

Hugs to all.
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Online Mitzpah

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Re: Growing3
« Reply #106 on: August 17, 2018, 06:11:04 AM »


I was in the garage going through the boxes (same story)...  I came across all of our lifevests for the boat and kayak and reallized that H’s lifevest for the kayak was missing.
Then I went outside and saw that his kayak and paddles were gone as well!


Seahorse,

My h. and I also had a boat (sailing boat) (it was sold before BD), kayak and laser... The kayak was actually mine - it disappeared; the laser was sold without any input from me. Fortunately for me, ow gets seasick so she doesn't go sailing.

My motorcycle crash helmet disappeared too, a few months after he left home, ow's daughter turns up on the back of his motorcycle wearing MY crash helmet :o 

It later came back to me, and it was used as an extra whenever anybody needed it. I recently bought myself a new crash helmet to wear when my kids invite me out...

They don't really see any harm in this
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 25
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline seahorseTopic starter

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Re: Growing3
« Reply #107 on: August 17, 2018, 10:46:24 AM »
Mitzpah:
it's so funny. 
My H seems to at least be considerate enough to leave my stuff here and only take his own stuff.
He may be buying ow her own for use instead of getting my cooties on her! :)

I'm good today.
Feeling strong, but doing toward making some moves...
Empowered is good..

Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline seahorseTopic starter

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Re: Growing3
« Reply #108 on: August 25, 2018, 07:07:41 AM »
Question:

My H is a clinging boomerang.
He keeps in touch with me by texting questions about the kids.
He keeps touch ON me by texting the kids and asking questions about me.
Nothing intimate, but keeping tabs. 
Last night we were at dinner (me and S16, S20) and S20 got a text at 8:15 asking if he wanted to go to dinner with H.
8:15???
S20 said he was already at dinner, and H asked who with.

SO, my question is:
I don't necessarily want H to know where I am and what I'm doing.  I'm totally dedicated to standing, but wouldn't mind if H thought I was out dining with friends or not knowing where I am or doing.  Because my sons live with me, they always know what I'm doing (mostly work and work meeting), but also going out with friends from work, church, church meeting, etc.  H has no reason to think that I'm moving on from him if he can constantly know where I am.
How do I deal with this?
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline exhausted

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Re: Growing3
« Reply #109 on: August 25, 2018, 07:19:17 AM »
Hi Sea...I haven't been around for a few weeks...it's been hectic lately...

I think if H asks son who is out with, it makes sense for him to answer honestly. I wouldn't want to put my kids in the middle by having them lie. However, you are correct that he doesn't need to know your every whereabouts. I would also take the kids out of the middle by asking them to defer his questions about to you. Let them know they don't need to be the "reporter" or the "go between" or they could just say you're not home.

Just a thought :)
Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

 

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