[trusting]

For those who were asking, DGU is doing well and avoids thinking about MLC these days.  Work and football keep him too busy, I guess. 

But did any of those people had a had an abusive MLCer?

I think reconnection is still possible if the LBS is willing, of course. One of the hallmarks of MLC is that this person our spouses have become is nothing, NOTHING like the one they were before.  And in my case, the man I see now is nothing like the MLCer I saw for many years but so much like the man I knew before.  I guess it depends on degrees, but I would venture to classify all MLCers as abusive in some way.  Indeed, the way my H treated me sure felt cruel, emotionally abusive.  I also think the act of walking away from a marriage and a family without giving the other party one word of say in it is abuse.  That feeling of helplessness was one of the most difficult things for me to conquer.  We are "helpless" - there is not one thing we can do to stop them on their MLC paths. 

Unlike Mitzpah and XYZ, I never felt comfortable around my MLCer or better in his presence while he was deep in crisis.  He was cold, would only answer in grunts, body language let me know I was a pariah and apparently had a raging case of the cooties.  So not feeling like I'm walking on eggshells is a different experience now. 

Funny, not in a ha ha way but in a "strange" sort of way, that we all now look at this event in our lives, like we are reviewing a movie.  So much pain, agony even and now, whether we see our spouses every day, or once a year, or have managed to reconcile, we find ourselves looking at it as though it was a terrible experiment that went badly wrong.  We look at every angle, twist it, inspect it closely but without the desperate desire to understand, any longer.  I actually believe that is because we do UNDERSTAND, we totally understand and accept that this has happened and in many ways, has made us much better people then we were.  Without a doubt, an episode we all could have done without but a sure comprehension that for some bazaar reason, this was meant to happen.  I guess you could say, we have all stopped fighting our destiny, now confidently facing whatever is ahead of us.

Great post, Stayed.  And I think getting to this point was where I could actually really and truly heal and let go of the anger and unforgiveness.  I have stopped trying to figure it all out and now understand that I never will.  It happened.  It is life-altering.  Life does have to go on, with or without the MLCer.  It is encouraging to hear you know of several returned MLCers and how their relationships are doing so well now.  Still waiting to see what happens but thankful for what I have. 

[Mitzpah]

Unlike Mitzpah and XYZ, I never felt comfortable around my MLCer or better in his presence while he was deep in crisis.  He was cold, would only answer in grunts, body language let me know I was a pariah and apparently had a raging case of the cooties.  So not feeling like I'm walking on eggshells is a different experience now. 

HI Trusting,

I guess the reason I feel comfortable around my h. is because I don't see him too often and he is careful to 'respect' me in terms of not allowing ow to intervene on our family time together - probably because I made this boundary very clear. He is  careful that the kids respect me too and will call their attention if they are disrespectful in his presence.

I can imagine that you having your h. right there in the same house would be VERY uncomfortable - I had the option of walking away from perceived bad behavior, I would just get up and go out or do my best to 'miss' him when I felt uncomfortable with him coming round.

Nowadays, as the crisis seems to be waning somewhat, it is fine for me to come home and see him there, it's a good chance to catch up and show him some affection before he gets frightened off and, leave he does... every.single.time.!

No idea what it all means but I am glad you are feeling better around your h.

[OldPilot]

For those who were asking, DGU is doing well and avoids thinking about MLC these days.  Work and football keep him too busy, I guess. 

Well that is the way it was years ago too - so glad he is doing well.

Thanks for the update, and next time you see him send our best wishes.

[Anjae]

Thank for letting us know DGU is doing well, Trusting. Tell him we say hi.

Pretty much all MLCers are abusive, however, if the MLCer has been pyshically abusive and/or tried to kill us, it is different.

It is also different it there was a very ugly divore/legalities. Or both, ugly legalities and physical violence.

We know it is not the real person, but ...

[trusting]

I'll pass along greetings to DGU next time I see him.  Yes, OP, his life hasn't changed a whole lot! 

Mitzpah, my H actually finally left a couple years ago to take a job further away - the excuse he wanted.  However, maybe that's what he needed to finally move him along in his crisis because he certainly has been changing a lot for the better the last few months.  It also has allowed my heart to heal without having the rejection in my face every day.  Still, he is in almost daily contact and we sure see a lot of him.

[Anjae]

I'll pass along greetings to DGU next time I see him.  Yes, OP, his life hasn't changed a whole lot! 

Thank you. But no races? What happened to Nascar? 

[trusting]

I'll pass along greetings to DGU next time I see him.  Yes, OP, his life hasn't changed a whole lot! 

Thank you. But no races? What happened to Nascar? 

Oh, yes, there's that too! 

[Anjae]

Oh, yes, there's that too!

 

[LearningIamOk]

Reading along here. Trusting I am so glad that things are going so well for you. 
I hope that things continue to improve.

Please also send my greetings and best wishes to DGU. Does he still have his dog?

[trusting]

Please also send my greetings and best wishes to DGU. Does he still have his dog?

No, sadly, she succumbed to very old doggy age a couple of years ago.