Author Topic: My Story My second thread: A new home  (Read 3037 times)

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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My Story My second thread: A new home
« on: July 26, 2018, 11:24:41 PM »
I believe I need to start a new thread.  Heres the link to the old one (if this is how it works). 

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10249.0
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #1 on: July 27, 2018, 01:32:15 AM »
Yep, that is how it works.... I have also linked your old thread to this one (VERY important or people will loose your thread)

UM
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Blueblood

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2018, 02:46:30 AM »
Still with you Moon.

blue
M 15 @ BD
Me 50 W 45
D15 D13 D9 S9
BD1 Nov16 (not happy), BD2 May17 ILYBNILWY
PA yes

Offline Thunder

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2018, 02:55:14 AM »
Hi Moon, welcome to your new thread.

I'm confused again.   ::)

Why would you turn down your MIL's offer to pay you the money?  At least you know you would get it.  Trusting a MLCer is never a good idea.

Sorry you're going through so much stress right now.  Sounds like you have a lot of iron's in the fire.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Blueblood

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #4 on: July 27, 2018, 03:18:28 AM »
Moon,

From my experience, so I'm not saying it's a fit all concept, but you think your W has taken OM on holiday with the kids? But you'd trust her about money? Not me, trust has gone the moment she started an affair. Money is way down on her list of things so IMHO she'd take that away from you because it's hers anyway. Have you discussed all your options with solicitor? Follow their advice so you don't get financially burnt. You don't want to owe MIL and get nothing from W.

Blue
M 15 @ BD
Me 50 W 45
D15 D13 D9 S9
BD1 Nov16 (not happy), BD2 May17 ILYBNILWY
PA yes

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #5 on: July 27, 2018, 03:59:40 AM »
Thanks UM

Thunder - thank you. Sorry, I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t take the money (I will).  I was trying to get across to MIL that it wasn’t the money that I was after.  That’s not my focus.  I just want my W and marriage back.  But in the meantime I know I need to protect myself. I have so much going on at the moment and feeling tired, stressed and, frankly, somewhat lonely.  I can’t even begin to GAL atm until all this is sorted and I know where I stand. 

Hi Blue
No, that’s the point.  When W asked if I trusted her, I just couldn’t answer her.  Then she asked again, and I still couldn’t answer.  The plan is for MIL to lend W the money, and W gives me the money to buy the rest of my equity in this house.  Until that money is received though, I can’t complete on my new house (as I would technically own two houses and be liable for additional tax).  Yet more stress. 
I don’t know if OM is on holiday with W (I’m told she hasn’t posted anything on FB yet, which is suspicious).  As we’ve said, it might just be typical LBS paranoia on my part at the moment.  I hope so, but then again I thought that about W having a OM in the first place  :'(
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline Thunder

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2018, 04:09:35 AM »
Oh ok, I understand now.

I sure hope you can get some down time to relax with all you have going on.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #7 on: July 27, 2018, 08:23:48 AM »
Thank you Thunder.  A holiday right now would be nice.  It could be a while before I’m settled enough though.

We do have a holiday booked in October (booked pre BD).  It’s with MIL and SDIL as well as the girls.  W says she intends to go.  I suggested we should all go together (I could room with SDIL and her with MIL).  It’s the kind of thing that happens in a normal co-parenting situation. The girls would love it.   I don’t think W will go for it and I’ll quietly be removed from the holiday.   In that case, I may take myself off somewhere alone.  Go to an adult only resort and have a week of pampering and healing.    October seems a long way away yet though. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #8 on: July 29, 2018, 02:25:36 AM »
Quick question, I’d be grateful for peoples views on.  W and the girls are back from holiday this afternoon.  Do I mention anything about the car keys (that’s she deliberately taken both sets so I can’t use the main car)?  Or do I just let it go? 

Also a spot of journaling. Any comments welcome tho.   MIL and SDIL went away for the weekend on Friday.  Even though W is back today, they asked me to keep an eye on their house on Saturday and left me a key (meaning that MIL must have known W had taken at least one car key with her, as our copy of their house key is on the same set as W’s car key).   I thought that was reassuring.  However, while I was around I saw that, on their calendar, my and W’s wedding anniversary has been crossed through.  I wasn’t expecting them to send a card, but to cross it out!  I was confused by that. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #9 on: July 29, 2018, 04:55:42 AM »
Moon

Just catching up on your story as saw a great link you put in Broken Hearted’s thread.

FWIW, and I’ve only read this thread of yours, but I wouldn’t mention anything about taking both car keys. Get clever though and don’t get caught out again.

I think MIL will be confused so crossed off anniversary. That same sort of thing happened to me, it’s just hard for anyone to understand all this. That type of thing annoys me too but it’s unhelpful for your mind so just think forward to next year and maybe it won’t be crossed off, who knows.

Hope you get away in October, it’s a way off but by the time you get it sorted, organised and looked forward to, it’ll come round.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Online Treasur

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #10 on: July 29, 2018, 05:35:48 AM »
If the car is in your name or jointly owned, I'd act as if she did it by accident or I couldn't find them, and ask if she knows where they are.

On the crossed-out date, this stuff is painful and crazy for everyone who loves us and our spouses. People react in odd ways Often with no intention of hurting you. In the scheme of things I'd suggest it is not important enough to bother thinking about?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #11 on: July 29, 2018, 05:56:12 AM »
Hi Moon, I have been away for a bit sorting through my own stuff so haven't commented. 

As far as car keys, I don't really know the nuances of the situation, so not sure.  I would guess that you have every right to the keys?  I understand about not wanting to confront MLC about anything, but there are also your boundaries to consider.  It's been an unclear tightrope for me to walk, and I am lately beginning to realize I've been leaning too much on the doormat side of life.  Try to listen to your gut.  What does your gut tell you is right about the keys? 

As far as crossing  off the date, I would guess your MIL did it out of hurt.  Sounds like she is upset that this is all happening.  Maybe she wanted her D to see it.  To me it's an expression of hurt on MIL's part.

You are walking through fire my friend, but you will come out the other side stronger than ever!  ((((((HUGS)))))
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline OffRoad

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #12 on: July 29, 2018, 12:09:01 PM »
Keys: If you want or need the car for various things, simply say your set of keys seems to be missing. Has she seen the second set of keys and if she says no, ask to borrow the car and keys to get another set made. If you never plan on driving it again, say nothing and continue on your way. But don't say " You took both sets of keys I want one set back." That never helps.  ;)

House money. Any reason it can't go straight from MIL to you?  Your W might just spend some of the money, then say she can only give you X much. I have no trust in MLCers at all.

Anniversary date: IMO, that was just their signal not to send a card or say anything. A big reminder not to put their foot in their mouth that day.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #13 on: July 29, 2018, 01:42:54 PM »
Thank you Rose, Treasur, Family and OffRoad.

W and the girls came back from their hols this afternoon.  W and I hardly said a word to each other all afternoon and evening.  I asked how she was fine, she said fine.  And just before bed she wished me a good day tomorrow (it’s my birthday) as she’ll likely have gone to work by the time I get up. And that was about it.  The girls came to me, and D4 wanted me to play with her, so I did.  We also watched a movie together while they had their tea.  W more or less disappeared to unpack.

Of note from their hols, was the amount of stuff W had bought the girls on holiday (3 cuddly toys, a unicorn cushion, a handbag, an inflatable for the pool and a water pistol - each).  We always used to limit toys to an inflatable at the start and one or two cuddlys at the end of the holiday “if they behaved themselves”.  Oh, and they rarely went to bed each night before mid night.  We used to always frown upon other parents letting their kids stay up that late while on holiday.   Now, W clearly thinks it’s fine. Guilt maybe?  It doesn’t sound like the girls did much all day but play in the pool while W sat on a sun lounger.

Anyway, back to the car keys.  Have decided best to say nothing.  The car isn’t in my name, but we do jointly own it.  However, she’s gotten increasingly possessive of it, always making up some excuse why I can’t or shouldn’t drive it.  I know she gives OM a lift it in regularly, so no , I have no intention of driving it again.  I do intend to seek some money from W for it though.  We only bought it last October (from new), and a quarter of the money that went into it was mine.  However, she has quibbled about this, saying some of the money came from elsewhere and that the car isn’t worth as much.  All of which maybe true, but she still isn’t getting it as a gift! 

OffRoad - the House money thing is complicated.  Not sure I quite understand myself.  It could go straight from MIL to me I think, but it needs to be shown that it is for my share of the equity in my current house.  So I think it’s easier if it comes from MIL to me, for my share of the house.  If she wants to spend it first, then I don’t get free of this house, so I can’t buy another (without paying extra tax) and I don’t move out.  I doubt she wants that.

On the crossed out anniversary date,  I'm sure this is upsetting for MIL (we’ve always gotten on) and I agree it was likely done more out of hurt than anything else.  It was MIL who first suggested W was having an MLC, and she’s admitted to me more than once that her and W’s relationship has changed (with W being more distant).  Anyway not much I can say or do about it.  I like your suggestion Rose, just think to next year and that it might not be crossed off. 

As ever, thank you for the hugs Family.  I know you’ve got a lot of stuff going on atm, but always good to hear from you, and I hope you’re keeping best you can. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #14 on: July 30, 2018, 02:44:46 PM »
Spot of journaling (as ever tho any comments welcome).

My birthday today.  This time last year, we went away on holiday to Ibiza for it.  This year, I see W for literally 2 minutes.  As promised, she’s up and off to work before I get up.  Have a nice morning with the girls before taking them to the cinema.  We open my cards and presents together.  Hurts a bit that all the cards from the in-laws are normal birthday cards (not son-in-law or brother-in-law) but I suppose that is to be expected.  The card from W is nice, to “somebody special” and signed “love W x”.  Not had a “x” from her since February.  Of course, it hurts that the card no longer mentions ‘husband’ but I suppose it could have been a lot worse.  Do I read anything into it? Still no sign of monster, so perhaps not MLC (I know, I know, you’ll tell me not to doubt it, there are too many other signs), but if MLC, then do I take any hope from the ‘somebody special’ card or is that just pity/sympathy on W’s part?   

I took the girls for tea, and then came home for two minutes before going out for a drink with a friend.  She was going out to watch TV somewhere at a friends (I think OM is away at the moment so perhaps not him).  Exchanged brief pleasantries with W before I went out.  Polite and friendly enough.  She seemed genuinely interested that she had got me the right present I had asked for, and seemed pleased it was.  And that was it.  First birthday in over 14 years that W hasn’t really featured in.  Quite sad.  What it will be like this time next year, who knows?  If you told me, as we watched the sun set in Ibiza on my birthday last year, I’d be here now, I would have thought you crazy.  But then as we know, MLC is a whole world of crazy. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #15 on: July 30, 2018, 02:58:42 PM »

First birthday in over 14 years that W hasn’t really featured in.  Quite sad.  What it will be like this time next year, who knows?  If you told me, as we watched the sun set in Ibiza on my birthday last year, I’d be here now, I would have thought you crazy.  But then as we know, MLC is a whole world of crazy.
 

Happy Birthday, Moon!

I remember all the holidays that first year and how hard they were.  I'm sorry you have to experience your birthday in such a way. 

You are right, though, about the craziness of the MLC world. 

Sending you a birthday hug and cheers! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Broken hearted 1971

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #16 on: July 30, 2018, 06:32:27 PM »
Happy birthday friend. Your definitely right, mlc land is crazy. You know im gonna call you out on that one, definitely mlc. Stop questioning. My mlc w didn't monster. Im hoping like mine you may have a milder case of mlc. We are only 9 months reconciled and the only problems we really have are me. She appears to be about 90% healed. EMDR did wonders for her. None of the old behavior or tendencies are present anymore. Call me anytime
Married 28yrs at bd childhood sweethearts together at 14 and 16 years old
Bd 8\28\16 i can't take the way you are, im moving, no tears. I knew i had a problem, i talked her into staying.
D day1 11\2\17 affair uncovered. 16m long i didn't have a clue
D day2 2\16\18 2 weeks emailing, burner phone
MLCer changed her life after d day 2.  I\c counseling, EMDR. Childhood trauma the cause
We are reconciling
Reconciling is not for the weak!! Must have unconditional love

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #17 on: July 31, 2018, 03:12:47 AM »
Thank you for the birthday good wishes Still and Broken. 

After yesterday, I have to say I’m feeling a bit down now.  Still waiting in limbo for the house move.  So frustrating, I should have been on leave today and making a start on some packing.  Still strange behaviour by W.  The second car key has reappeared.  This morning she did her usual trick of turning left for work but parking at her other office which only needs a right hand turn.  That usually means she’s having a lift with OM, but his car has been absent from his house and office since before last week.  I had assumed he was away (perhaps he has a new car, or moved house even).  I know, I need to stop thinking about him.  He’s nothing in all this. I would just like to know what the state of their relationship is. Does it matter? I don’t know.  She went out somewhere last night, taxi there and taxi back (so could drink) dressed up, all to watch some TV apparently (Live Island final).  Strange.  She could have watched it at home (and certainly would have done in previous years).

Anyway, yes that was my first birthday since separation, and it was tough.  Next big anniversary, is our wedding anniversary in September.  Again, we were on holiday for that (just the two of us) last year, so that will be another heart wrenching moment.  Hopefully I’ll have moved out by then and I can maybe spend the day by myself. 

Thanks Broken. I knew you would apply the necessary 2x4.  Probably it’s just a self esteem issue, my questioning her MLC.  I always felt lucky to have found and married W, part of me thinks this is just maybe my luck running out.  But after 10 years, 2 kids, and lots of good memories, what else can it be, other than MLC.  Other than the absence of monster, everything else seems to fit the script.    I can understand the pain your going through though.  I suppose reconciliation has to involve another form of detachment, this time though detaching from the memories of the MLC you and your MLC W went through.  A chat would be brilliant.  I’ll send you a message.
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #18 on: July 31, 2018, 05:13:59 AM »
Moon,

I've now been down this road twice - xW1 went totally off the rails, a Monster which made Godzilla on Steroids look like a tame puppy dog, drugs, multiple AD's, bankruptcy, the works.... at the age of 33...

STBXW is 48, no monster, no Bat-Snot Crazy antics but JUST as much MLC script....

Just because the monster hasn't shown up doesn't mean it is NOT MLC.... Different people have different modes... If she is a low-energy type like STBXW, then there may not BE a pronounced monster or it may manifest itself in other ways (i. e. passive-aggressive nonsense or the occasional snotty comment as opposed to full on screaming rage).

If that is the case, you may consider yourself lucky... Doesn't make it HURT any less but, speaking from personal experience, it is a LOT less damaging...

UM
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #19 on: July 31, 2018, 05:42:14 AM »
Thanks UM
That makes a lot sense, especially the passive aggressive stuff.  I agree that she fits the bill for a low energy type.  She’s become a workaholic and the affair was just an emotional one at first (status now: unknown). 

I suppose I should be grateful for its absence.  What makes it so odd though, is that W has always been the type of person to criticise and have a go if you did something she felt was wrong.  If she disagreed with you or wasn’t happy about something she would let you know in no uncertain terms straightaway.   Now,as part of her reasoning for a separation, she’s said she hasn’t been happy for about a year, but never told me about it.  That’s why I find the absence of monster so unnerving.  It’s the one part of MLC that I would expect her to excel at.  Now, if I do make a mistake around the house, not a word.  I suppose it points to the change in character part of an MLC.   To be honest though, if she does come through and wants to reconcile, I hope it’s the one part of her MLC character that remains.   ;D
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #20 on: July 31, 2018, 05:55:40 AM »
Quote from: The Moon's a Balloon
To be honest though, if she does come through and wants to reconcile, I hope it’s the one part of her MLC character that remains.

No, you don't... Because that means she is not saying stuff and THAT means

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #21 on: July 31, 2018, 08:22:59 AM »
Lol.  My tongue wasn’t far from my cheek when I said that UM.  Don’t worry.  12 years we’ve been together and before BD1 I don’t recall in that time we ever went to sleep on an argument.  As I say, if there was something on W’s mind, she would always let me know.  Since then though, I have no idea what she’s thinking. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline Stedroy

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #22 on: July 31, 2018, 09:13:44 AM »
Happy birthday Moon!  It was my 50th last year and I didn't get a card (except from kids) and STBXW and I went out for drinks - I paid.  It was wonderful <sarcastic>.

It is so heartbreaking to go through this and everyone on this site has been so helpful.  Your story is very similar to many of the LBS's here. I'm attaching and praying for the best.

I was given two pieces of advice early on that I am sure you heard.  The first is to work on yourself.  It may seem very hard at first but it pays dividends in the end.  Thank God I did this or I would be a disaster right now.  This does include eating, sleeping, exercising and such.  Take up new skills, do things you never did before to better yourself - not for her.  In addition, be reliable, responsible, and respectful in whatever you do.  These are the qualities I wanted people to see in me and especially my kids.  I am the one they go to when they need something important done.

The second bit of advice in hindsight would have been the right thing to do but I was slow to get there.  I am not saying this caused my pending divorce but it definitely didn't help the case.  I was told that I needed to detach from whatever she was doing because there was nothing I could do about it.  I think Thunder and UM beat that into my head many times but it took a long time.  I would monkey-brain, spy and snoop, ask 1000 questions of her, etc.  In the end, fear is what drives us to do this and those things feed fear.  Try to let go and detach from what she is doing.  When I engaged, which I did many times, it made it worse.  She has to go through this and find her way back, you are the last person she wants to help her.

My D is pending and we will soon be over but there are many others that have reconciled.  The important thing for me was to do everything I could possibly do to work on myself and the marriage so that 5 years from now I can look back and say I tried 120%. 

Don't worry about mistakes, we all make them.  Keep posting to let it out.

Married 19 / Together 24
Divorced 2018
ME51
eW47
D17, D16, S13

BD Feb 2017 - ILYBINILWY, Scam/Emotional affair

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #23 on: July 31, 2018, 02:20:01 PM »
Thank you for your kind words Stedroy.

Good advice.  Since this started I’ve been in counselling to work on various long term issues, no joy yet, but I do recognise that there are things I need to change about me, for me.  In terms of other work, I’m kind of in limbo at the moment, until I can move out.  I want to pick up an old hobby and maybe start a new one, but until I’ve moved out and got me and the girls settled, I don’t feel I can really pick anything up yet.   

On my relationship with W, I’ve long ago stopped asking questions.  It’s been over 5 months since we had any sort of real relationship talk, and since then most conversation has been polite, civil and brief.   However, Monkey braining and snooping I’ve been less successful at stopping.  I have though kept my thoughts to myself.  I’ve avoided engaging where possible.  I only hope when I move out some of the monkey braining and the opportunity for snooping stops.  I know until it does, I’ve not properly let go and detached.  While I’m under the same roof though, I’m finding it near impossible to do so, and really rather painful to be so near her.  This woman I’ve been so close to for so long, is now a stranger to me. 

Anyway, some brief bits of journaling tonight. Had a calm and normal talk with W about me moving out (the kind of normal that freaks you out as there should be some emotion there).  W says she wants to tell the girls sooner rather than later, even before I have a confirmed date to move out because ‘they kept asking on the holiday whether I would be on the next holiday with them”. Well duh?  I’m their dad, what do you think they would say?!  She has no idea what she’s going to do to them. Makes my blood boil.

We have got a holiday booked for October (booked last year before all this started) but she then mentions in the same conversation that’s she’s going to sort that out next month (I assume that means take me off the booking).  Again, no emotion.  No remorse. No regret.  She assumes she’s going and taking the girls.  Makes me so angry, but I didn’t say anything. 

On a lighter note, I notice she’s bought herself some more jewellery, got herself booked in to have her nails done (again) on Thursday and has been texting away all evening.  She also nipped out to buy some instant coffee, which I’m pretty sure is OMs brand.  So pretty much MLC script all evening.  Doesn’t make the rest of it any less painful.  Indeed, feeling rather angry atm.  Just want to scream. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #24 on: July 31, 2018, 02:44:58 PM »
How about she takes herself off the October holiday? Just saying, fair is fair.

Sorry I'm late to the Birthday party. Happy Birthday, Moon. Many happy returns!

Make sure you let your girls know you don't want to move out, you wish you could stay with them. It's my considered opinion that they need to know this isn't your idea, you are not ok with it, and you are not leaving them. So many times I hear"kids shouldn't have to deal with adult issues." But guess what? One parent goes MLC the kids are going to be dealing with adult issues. Make it age appropriate and all, buT they need to know YOU are in their corner.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #25 on: July 31, 2018, 03:05:28 PM »
Thank you OffRoad, and thanks for the birthday wishes. 

Firstly, on the holiday I’m getting a strong sense of MLCer entitlement from her about it.  Her mum and stepdad are also on the holiday.  But I went with the Stepdad on the holiday we had booked in March. 

On telling the girls, I’ll let W do the talking.  I’m not lying to them though.  It’s not what I want at all.  However, W and I have agreed that the first night I move out I will have the girls with me in my new house, so they don’t think I’m leaving them.  After that, I’ve had more than one person, who knows what’s going on, tell me that I’ll have the girls with me more often than I think.  Given her addiction to work and going out at least one night a week, I think (hope) that proves to be right.  Thats  what worry’s me most, not seeing the girls regularly. And I think that will hurt them as well. I have plans though for things we can do together, something W is conspicuously not doing, despite all the toys and clothes she’s buying them atm. 

“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #26 on: August 02, 2018, 02:05:18 AM »
Any advice or help really appreciated but I’m in a low place this morning.

I’ve been feeling pretty low that last couple of days.  Stuck waiting for movement on the house purchase and stuck working at home.  The latter, of course, means more exposure to W.  Things between us have been fine - polite and civil.  So no problems there, yet (she’s of to see her bank this morning to try to find a solution to the house problem). 

Anyway, and I know you’re going to tell me to stop it (and your quite right) but as most LBSs know, sometimes snooping is too hard to stop.  As usual her phone is pinging away all hours.  This morning, she’s leaves it upstairs while she has breakfast.  First ping about 8:30 is from some man I’ve never heard of before.  Only first name / last name is displayed on screen (can’t see the message).  A quick google search shows he’s someone from her work.  And been there 4 or so years.  I’ve never heard of him though, and what’s he doing texting a private (ie not her work)phone that early in the morning?

About two minutes later, W receives a iMessage.  Again I can’t see the message, but the first name of the sender is shown.  It’s OMs first name.  Might not be him of course, she does know a couple of men with the same first name.  But at that time in the morning?

So many questions now rattling around my mind.  Is there another OM? Have things not progressed or fizzled out with OM and she’s looking elsewhere?  Or is this just monkey braining by me and I’m reading far too much into everything?    Aaggghhhh!

Views, advice, comments, 2x4s all welcome.  Was feeling in a very low place this morning, before the messages. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #27 on: August 02, 2018, 02:26:14 AM »
Snooping.......

The conversation goes as follows.....

Moon:    "Doctor, it really hurts when I stick this fork in my eye....."
Doctor:  "Well then Moon... STOP STICKING THE FREAKING FORK IN YOUR EYE!"

to snooping...

Let's be honest... What DIFFERENCE does it make? Your W is off in Lala Land. If it is not this OM, it would be another one. Until she hits the bottom, until she deals with and comes to terms with the demons from her past that have a grip on her, NOTHING will change in her life... But you can not do this for her. You can not control it, you can not force it.... This is something that SHE has to do, all on her own...

In the mean time, YOU do YOUR healing, YOUR work, and get YOUR ducks in a row...

and, by all that is holy, STOP STICKING THE FORK IN YOUR EYE!
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #28 on: August 02, 2018, 02:36:10 AM »
As a fork in the eye survivor albeit in my case with anonymous notes, Moon, UM is right.
How does it serve you?
There's a point when we need to know so we know what the situation really is and what - if anything - we can do or for legal evidence.
There's a point when we snoop because they are lying but our gut is shouting so loudly so we do it for our sanity.
There's a point perhaps when we do it from disbelief...almost to remind ourselves that yes, this is real.

Do you know enough now?
Would more 'evidence' help or change your choices now?

If the answer is that you know enough, please stop looking. See it as self-care for your mind and snooping like having one more drink or cigarette.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Helpingme!

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #29 on: August 02, 2018, 04:40:33 AM »
Moon
I think I was #1 at snooping. Even climbed on a ladder to look in a window. Yeah, I know.  I was weak.
But the snooping only causes more pain my friend. I know, I did it.
Moon the best thing I ever did that helped me on snooping and OM issue. I knew it. Didnt want to believe it, but I knew.
So I got up every morning. Said too myself in the mirror, Yep she's still sleeping with OM. Hell, they can't hurt me any worse. I probably said that for months after they had quit. But it helped me to just start the day out as it was. No wondering of are they? Or not?

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #30 on: August 02, 2018, 02:29:46 PM »
Thank you UM, Treasur and Helping
It almost becomes addictive doesn’t it? I will try to stop. Part of it though is, having had 14 years knowing mostly where she is and what’s she doing, to suddenly go the complete opposite and know little of what she does or who she sees is so painful.  For example, she’s asked me to have the girls all Saturday as she’s going out.  No hint of where, but an all dayer is a first.    I guess though, rather than looking for something, I’m hoping not to see something (any sign of OM) to stop the monkey braining, but then you do see something and.....     

As you say, it serves no purpose though.  I suspect in W’s mind, we are separated so there is no cheating going on.  And I suppose I should see it as evidence that she’s still deep in replay, and therefore still very much in crisis and very much out of reach atm.

Anyway, some other news tonight.  W and I had a long, polite and amicable conversation (with just the slightest hint of emotion) about the house move.  It looks like we might have found a solution that enables me to move out quickly.  Of real interest was that her solicitors has bought up divorce as the easiest route out (as mine had done last week).  I had mentioned that last week to her, but W never responded.  She asked me tonight whether I wanted to divorce, as I had mentioned it.  I said no.  I asked her, and she said it wasn’t even on her radar until I and her solicitors had mentioned it.  I think she was relieved there was another way round the house problem without having to resort to a divorce.  I said though, that I accepted she wanted her space at this moment and she agreed.  Not sure whether to read too much into this though, if anything.  I would hope it’s a positive though.  I’m sure UM will probably reply with a clip of a women eating a large cake  :)
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #31 on: August 02, 2018, 03:05:07 PM »
Don't encourage him.....

The OP are tough. Mine didn’t have one but I would not have been able to be in the same house if he had.  And I would have snooper until I bad proven he was with someone or not, as that was a line for me.  But since it doesn't appear to be a line for you, snooping gains you nothing.

Having you move out while she gets to stay in the house with the girls? Who wouldn't love that? As long as it isn't financially disadvantageous to you, and it helps you, fine.  Just make sure you are not doing something agains your best interests.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #32 on: August 03, 2018, 05:52:28 AM »
Thanks OffRoad
The thing with my W’s OM, is I’m just not sure what their relationship is.  I fear it is now physical, but when I discovered it back in February, he was giving it the just good friends / not ready for a relationship line.  But either way, I don’t suppose it alters the fact that W regards me and her as separated and, for the moment only hopefully she has moved on, so no, snooping probably doesn’t help much. 

In terms of me moving out, it will help me heal and GAL certainly.  We’ve agreed to joint custody for the girls (she gave me that very easily, no arguments) and I should get my fair share from the house should she ever decide to sell. 

Any views from anyone on my W’s reluctance to talk divorce? Should it be seen as a positive sign or is it just cake eating (and doesn’t mean much either way)?
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline Stedroy

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #33 on: August 03, 2018, 06:42:18 AM »
The fact that you want to remain married and try to work through it is why you are monkey braining about her going out.  In her mind, she has got it great right now - a place to sleep, eat, relax without any responsibility.  This is a good thing for her so why change?  I think if you look at this and it benefits you then keep doing it, but don't make it easy on her.  I think that was my mistake for a long time.

My STBXW only talked about divorce early on.  She is low energy MLCer and does not do anything unless pressured.  In addition, she was able to act single but have all the benefits of being married.  I finally had enough and began the process.  It was a tough decision but she made it easier with her actions.
Married 19 / Together 24
Divorced 2018
ME51
eW47
D17, D16, S13

BD Feb 2017 - ILYBINILWY, Scam/Emotional affair

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #34 on: August 03, 2018, 07:52:00 AM »
Thanks Stedroy
I think it’s certainly true I’ve not successfully detached yet. I’m hoping moving out will help that.  In terms of W, I don’t think she quite realises what me moving out will mean to her.  Even the MIL has said she doesn’t think W realises how difficult it will be to run this house and look after the girls on her own.  I suspect though that is one reason why she offered me joint custody so easily.  She’ll get to play doting Mum half the time and then single teenager the other. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline Stedroy

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #35 on: August 03, 2018, 09:48:42 AM »
The important thing is to be the stable reliable parent.  The kids will learn this through your actions and you will build a strong relationship with them.
Married 19 / Together 24
Divorced 2018
ME51
eW47
D17, D16, S13

BD Feb 2017 - ILYBINILWY, Scam/Emotional affair

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #36 on: August 03, 2018, 03:10:43 PM »
I hope I’ve probably bonded more with my girls over the last six months than I have before.  I hope I can continue that.  W isn’t ignoring them, but clearly she has other priorities.  Tonight, for example, she asks me to pick them up from nursery, as she’ll be busy at work.  A quick detour on the way back home though (I know, I know, no snooping, fork in the eye, ouch,) shows her/our car outside his house.  So she gave up possible time with the girls to be with him.  So yes, I’m aiming to be the parent that the girls can rely on.  W clearly still deep in replay. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Online Treasur

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #37 on: August 03, 2018, 11:34:46 PM »
yup, remove fork from eye  :)

i suspect your W's plan is that when you move out/or she does, she'll do exactly the same as this - call and you'll fill in. You probably need to muse on some 'operating rules' for your time/her time with the kids?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #38 on: August 04, 2018, 01:18:49 AM »
I think that’s right Treasur.  I suspect though, if it’s not me she asks, or I say no, it will be MIL she goes to instead (or indeed first).  But if she does ask me, am I going to be able to say no to spending more time with my girls?  My fear is that I won’t see them enough. And as I say, I want to be the one, if I can, the provides the stability.   

I also fear what plans she has for involving OM in their lives.  I’m pretty sure D4 has met him, and on the calendar there is a ‘works day out’ in a couple of weeks which it looks like she’s taking both girls to.  I would be amazed if OM isn’t there. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline Blueblood

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #39 on: August 04, 2018, 04:16:52 PM »
Hi Moon,

Had a quick run through on your thread

I've been out of the UK for a week cycling - 35 hours on a bike doing nothing but think.

It has slowly become apparent that our W care not a jot for our welfare, we are nothing to them until we become important to their selfish survival (whatever that may be). Maybe they awaken for a moment but that is all GAL is the thing to do - in fact as our friends say move on.

The reality to me - so IMHO our spouses need to prove themselves again and I therefore am no longer wasting any more time on their craziness. Let them go fully. Don't give her a soft lading she doesn't deserve it.

Blue
M 15 @ BD
Me 50 W 45
D15 D13 D9 S9
BD1 Nov16 (not happy), BD2 May17 ILYBNILWY
PA yes

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #40 on: August 05, 2018, 01:21:56 PM »
Hi Blueblood
I saw on your thread that you’ve been for a bit of a pedal. Very impressive.  Bet the old legs are aching now.  You seem to have come back all fired up though.  I thought long bouts of exercise were meant to burn off the adrenaline. 

I have to confess to being in a funny place atm.  I thought seeing her car outside OMs house on a Friday would upset me more than it has.  I’ve had a really good weekend with my girls and W has been noticeably withdrawn and mostly subdued for most of it.  She hardly saw the girls on Saturday and didn’t appear that bothered when i took them out most of this afternoon.  We were meant to tell them today about me moving out. I left it to W to take the lead, but the subject was never bought up.  At the moment though, I’m feeling more and more indifferent to her.  I think me moving out will help me detach from her completely.  I’m ready to move on now (not give up hope) but just let her go. Whether I feel this way because I’ve had a good weekend, and will feel down again next week, I don’t know.  Probably. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline Blueblood

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #41 on: August 06, 2018, 02:44:18 AM »
Hi Moon,

Too much time to think! I'm in a similar vein to you, as time goes by my acceptance of the situation grows. There will be bumps over time but I realise she just isn't my woman anymore.

She did send me a message saying well done for the ride, that she'd seen the pictures (via mutual friends on FB, but I also think she still signs into my account). But as soon as I hit UK soil the monster poked its head out. I gave her a truth dart and got an apology back. I'm getting more apologies for things I pull her up on but still haven't had the BIG apology (not going to hold my breath).

I actually think accepting W is doing what they are going to do is essential for us so we don't eat ourselves up. That said with the hope they awaken it makes for a bigger hurdle to get over for both.

I think things do improve over time.

Blue
M 15 @ BD
Me 50 W 45
D15 D13 D9 S9
BD1 Nov16 (not happy), BD2 May17 ILYBNILWY
PA yes

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #42 on: August 06, 2018, 02:47:45 AM »
She did send me a message saying well done for the ride, that she'd seen the pictures (via mutual friends on FB, but I also think she still signs into my account).

I think YOU need to change your Password... STAT!
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #43 on: August 06, 2018, 04:40:16 AM »
Hi Blue
Ahhh, yes.  One of the reasons I stopped going to the gym (other than the LBS diet had done its trick).  Good for burning off adrenaline not so good for mental distraction.

As I feared, feeling down again today.  Back to work and working from home.  Girls out for the day, and atmosphere with W getting steadily chillier.  Can’t help feeling, if I’d have known it would take this long, I would have been better getting out sooner and renting. 

Still no sign of an R talk, but I read elsewhere you can probably forget about that while the A is still on going.  W did tell me about this works outing next week (which the girls are going to).  She ran through the guest list.  No mention of OM.  Whether that was true (and deliberate to let me know he wouldn’t be there) or just a straight falsehood by omission (she’s good at those) who knows.   But, yes acceptance that this is the path she’s going down now is key really.  I think I’m getting there.  Some days are better than others.  I think it depends how mentally distracted I am. 

I really do miss my pre MLC wife.  It’s so difficult to let go of those memories. Like grieving for someone that is still with us.   But like you Blue, this woman isn’t the woman I know anymore.  No monstering but cold and more self centred now. 

As an example, and an aside, I noted she bought back from holiday (7 days ago now) two very large bars of tolberone.  The last bit went last night.  And she’s not shared any of it (even with the girls).  She has been loosing weight recently (eating less and less), but I know from before MLC she relies on chocolate to cope with mental or physical pain.  So something appears to be not right. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #44 on: August 07, 2018, 01:15:10 PM »
Just a bit of an update.  Been chatting on-line with a woman from my town.  She is divorced and, like me, not looking for a relationship atm, and happy to be friends.  Her xH was a serial cheat.  Although a lot of the things he has said and done sound MLC script to me.  I quite enjoy her online company.  Anyway, it turns out she knows of W (never met).  So she asks me if I know the name of OM.  I tell her and her reply  “know of him. Won’t last”.  Turns out he “goes through women like underwear”.  He’s nothing special but has the gift of the gab to get women to go for him.  He’ll move on, according to my friend, as that is what he does. 

Whether any of this matters in the bigger script of an MLC, I don’t know.  But if W is still infatuated with him (and I really don’t know what there R is) and he hasn’t shown his true colours yet (or W continues to ignore them) W could be in for a rude awakening at some point.  Sad really, another supposed ‘soul mate’ is nothing more than a player praying on a woman at just the right time (replay). 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #45 on: August 08, 2018, 01:38:02 AM »
Just a further thought on my post about W’s OM seemingly being a bit of a player, perhaps that is the attraction for W.  I read this piece on Hearts Blessing (Link below), which makes the point that the AP will often be someone who reminds the MLCer of the parent they have issues with.  If there are FOO issues for W, it will be with her dad.  He was a bit of a womaniser and had several affairs before finally leaving the family for an OW.  As I say, perhaps that’s the attraction.  Any thoughts welcome though. 

https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/past-parental-issues-and-the-affair-partner-an-explanation/
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #46 on: August 08, 2018, 01:45:44 AM »
Same for my STBXW - FIL(RIP) was a Mid-Lifer of epic proportions who crept out of the tunnel a couple of hours before he died (literally)... STBXW's OM1 was a player who got into her pants and then went back to his own W and kids... Since then, there hasn't been anyone else ont eh scene to the best of my knowledge and kids have BIG mouths...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new homee
« Reply #47 on: August 08, 2018, 03:41:22 AM »
Thanks UM
Yes, I often wonder if FIL had a MLC and has been running ever since (on third wife now but W thinks he has another OW stashed away somewhere).  He did try to go back to W’s Mum after about a year, but MIL had moved on and wouldn’t have him back. 

I’m still not convinced that there might not be an OM2 on the scene (but that might just be monkey braining and my lack of trust in W at the moment). But I would be interested UM, you say there is no OM in your case now, but I take it it hasn’t led to any sort of hint of reconciliation.  I’m expecting nothing to happen between W and me until the affair ends, but even then, could the MLC rumble on  and there be no ‘turning to home’? 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new homee
« Reply #48 on: August 08, 2018, 03:50:36 AM »
Thanks UM <...snip...>
But I would be interested UM, you say there is no OM in your case now, but I take it it hasn’t led to any sort of hint of reconciliation.  I’m expecting nothing to happen between W and me until the affair ends, but even then, could the MLC rumble on  and there be no ‘turning to home’?

Oh yes, absolutely... Because my STBXW is still searching for Happy and the D is the way to find it... Then she can feel that it is OK to "move on" herself.... rather than to actually do any WORK on herself... Escape and Avoid... If FIL(RIP) is any indication, STBXW will have serial R's, maybe even marriages, have an AD, break up and move on... That is what her F did.... By the time she is older, the AD will be a bottom-feeder...

Reconnection would mean acknowledging that what she did was wrong and acknowledging the pain and destruction and havoc she has wreaked in the lives of me, our kids, several of her former friends, etc. and wanting to make amends for that... She doesn't do that... She may try to slime her way back into an R with some of her former friends but to apologize? VERY doubtful...

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #49 on: August 08, 2018, 04:26:32 AM »
Thanks UM.  That’s my fear, that W will copy FIL rather than learn from his mistakes.  As I say though, he did try to return but it was MIL who said no. 

For me, there hasn’t been any sign yet of acknowledging the pain she’s has caused me.  So far, no R talks or real sign of remorse (apart from once) since February.  Perhaps I’m expecting too much too soon though.  I don’t know about W though.  I know she presents a very tough, focused exterior, but inside I know she it quite vulnerable.  Whether, if and when the fog lifts, she’ll be able to seek forgiveness is a real question for me.  I like to think the way I’ve handled things so far will make it easier for her to do so, but who knows.  And, as I’ve said, so far there has been very little talk of divorce (not on her ‘radar’).  Indeed, the other day she said she was looking to borrow some furniture to replace some of the stuff I’m taking.  I didn’t ask why she felt she couldn’t buy a replacement. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #50 on: August 14, 2018, 04:00:33 AM »
Time for an update.  It’s six months today since W announced we were separating, and it looks like i’ll get the keys to my new house on Friday.  I can’t get out quick enough.  Anyway, two things of note to journal on (as ever comments and views welcome). 

We told the girls on Sunday that I was moving out.  We’ll I say ‘we’ but W left it to me to do.  Both girls were upset , D7 the worst, but - and despite W having been buying them presents everyday for the previous four days, both came to me for a hug.  In the end I had to tell D7 to go and give mummy a hug.  Anyway, I showed them pics of the new house, took them for a drive past it, and told them they can choose some new posters, etc for the room.  By the time we came home both girls were actually quite excited.  W was upstairs and remained there while I made the girls tea and sat with them while they had it.  Only after that, when we were just watching TV together, did W come downstairs, but she then spent much of her time messaging on her iPhone.

 I got them ready for bed, and mentioned that that they’d be staying with me on my first night out. W and I had long agreed this, but suddenly W wanted to renege on it.  I sent the girls up, and we had a big row.  Turns out that W had overheard D4 say that daddy’s house was her favourite.  W didn’t like that at all, and now wanted the girls with her the first night.  Selfish, selfish b*tch.  Nothing to do with what’s best for the girls (that daddy wasn’t leaving them) all about her.  I was so angry.  I made it clear that all this was a consequence of what she wants, so she could have no complaints.  I left her to put the girls to bed.  Later on, after we had both calmed down, she somewhat vaguely admitted it was her fault. 

Second thing: it’s step dad in laws (SDIL) 70th birthday next week.  He and I get on well, and his son invited me to a surprise birthday party he’s hosting for his dad.  Anyway, that invite has been withdrawn.  W and the girls got an invite, but MIL suggested to the son that I not be invited as it would upset W.  The son was a bit upset, because he knows the SDIL would want me there, but it is a surprise party and can’t ask him first.  All rather awkward and im surprised at MIL, who appears to have placed W’s selfishness over what her own h actually might want.  So, so angry atm. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #51 on: August 14, 2018, 04:53:01 AM »
Hi Moon,

Anger is good!  You don't have to stay in it forever, but in my opinion, it is healthy to visit once in awhile. 

Their selfishness and lack of remorse is for me, quite incomprehensible.  I guess somewhere deep down there is guilt and it's too much to look at? I don't know, but it's really wrong how they treat us and often the children.

You are handling everything beautifully, especially with your daughters.  It is much easier living separately I have found.  You get some mental space to process.  I pray for my STBXH every day, but I have to set healthy boundaries for myself.  Much easier when you have your own space!  I wish you well, Moon.  This is so tough and you are handling it beautifully! (((HUGS))))
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #52 on: August 16, 2018, 06:14:01 AM »
Thank you Family, that is really good of you to say. 

Update and a spot of journaling. As ever views welcome: W and I had our first R talk for 6 months last night.  She instigated it, and I largely listened.  I tried to argue a few times, but remembered the advice about listening and validating, and towards the end it was mainly W doing the talking. 

The conversation started off about dividing up the furniture, got into an argument about the SDIL’s party, but then moved on to the R.  It went on for a while, but she did show sorrow  and some remorse.  Yes, she was sorry that she had hurt me, and would hurt the girls, but she just didn’t ‘feel’ it for me anymore.  She was sad about what had happened and looked at our wedding picture on the wall and wondered ‘what had happened to those two people’.  She admitted she was scared about the future and she was jealous about how excited the girls were about daddy’s new house.  And that she was worried about them having a new part of their lives she would know nothing about. 

There was no mention of OM and I didn’t bring him up.  She thought my family had treated her unfairly whereas hers had treated me well (I didn’t argue about our relative positions, but another sign I thought of her being still in denial about what she had done).   

That was about it.  I told her that this was the first time she had showed me some regret over this, and I thanked her for that.  But there was no sign of a change of heart.  She said she just couldn’t ask me to stay.  That me staying this long had hurt things and that me moving out might help rebuild our friendship.  She left the door ajar by admitting she might want to reconcile at some point, and there was still no talk of divorce. 

So there we are, some tears and sadness (although they could be for herself as much as the marriage) which was new, but no change of heart.  I think I handled it ok,  probably did too much talking but tried not to defend myself too much - I could have said a lot more.  I guess now I just have to wait for the next time, perhaps in another six months. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #53 on: August 16, 2018, 06:50:28 AM »
You did great, Moon!  Good for you!

The immaturity of our Spouse's thinking that in married life we will have those "in love" feelings forever is something many of us deal with. Marriage is for the long term, and there will inevitably be periods of not only falling out of love at times, but even periods of dislike! We can't keep those butterflies in our tummies forever, that's not the way marriage works!  (Since my own BD, I have read many books on it and talked to my therapist about this very thing.)  So the fact that she just didn't "feel it" for you anymore, SO WHAT?  You still stay married and you try to be kind to each other and work on respecting each other through the difficult times. 

You really did great.  Keep doing what you are doing and focus on doing the next right thing for yourself and your kids.  It's hard to keep our minds out of the various possibilities in the future, but if you keep doing the "next right thing", it will work itself out.  (((((HUGS))))))))
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #54 on: August 16, 2018, 09:02:54 AM »
Thanks Family
There was so much I could have said, along the very lines you mention.  I got as far as saying that everything has its season, and this was just a phase, but didn’t push the point to much.  This is MLC.  Otherwise, yes you would work with those feelings, if only until the kids were older.  D4 starts school next month, there was nothing abusive or toxic about our relationship, so you would put up with things for them.  But no, and as I say she says she was scared about the future.  So I don’t think in her mind she knows what she is really doing.   

All I can think is she is comparing her feelings for me after 10 years of marriage to her feelings for the OM while she is in limerence. 

Anyway, started packing today.  That was tough.  A few too many memories to put away in boxes (maybe forever).  Felt like crying. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #55 on: August 16, 2018, 09:41:14 AM »
Oh Moon isn’t this tough and this is the toughest part.

I feel for you so much and not surprised you felt like crying. In a year from now you’ll look back at this and hopefully think you handled it as best you could.

Did your W agree to you getting girls on your first night? I know she went back on it.

To sum up this atm in one word - unfair. You are having to move, unfair. And you are uninvited to SDIL party, unfair. You have strength inside you to deal with this unfairness. Your girls gave you it, find it and hold on to it.

Keep posting, we are all reading along and walking this with you

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #56 on: August 17, 2018, 12:35:20 AM »
Rose, that’s really lovely of you to say.  Thank you.

At the moment, W seems ok again if the girls are with me the first night. We’ve agreed that will be either Wednesday or Thursday next week, depending on how things go.  Hopefully I should get the keys today but it’s been a long old process. 

It is unfair, but it is what it is.  During our talk, W said that it scared her that they’ll be a large part of the girls life’s she’ll know nothing about now  (their time with me at my home).  By that point I’d stopped arguing and was just listening but I so felt like reminding her that that was her choice.  I’m in exactly the same position except I don’t have any choice in it.  As you say, unfair. 

I still miss W, but I think I’m approaching the point of being indifferent to whether we ever reconcile or not.  I think having to cope with the pain of moving out of the home we’ve built together over the last 12 years may well tip me over the edge into indifference (or leave me a blubbering wreck 😆)
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline Whyus

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #57 on: August 17, 2018, 02:40:07 AM »
Hi moon,
just caught up with your thread.
Im so sorry to say that your Ws R with Om sounds like a PA to me.
You probably know this already but they are not just friends, he is a Player, she lies when she visits him! Do you think that they just drink coffee together?.
My W also told me of a "friend" at the Gym. "Hes just a friend, we Train together sometimes". At that Point she had been firetrucking him for 6 months already whilst still pretending to be the perfect W will all the benefits. They are sneaky as firetruck mate and lower than low.
The sooner you get out of that house the better.
All the best for you and your Kids, you will get through this and you will feel better once out...
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Treasur

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #58 on: August 17, 2018, 03:13:14 AM »

It is unfair, but it is what it is. 



Isn't it noticeable that as LBS reaching that point of accepting the unfairness being as it is but doing our best anyway is so important? Even when we have had almost no voice or vote on really important things.

And yet our MLC spouses - who did choose things that created how it is - rarely if ever seem to say the same...
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #59 on: August 17, 2018, 04:48:05 AM »
"may well tip me over the edge into indifference (or leave me a blubbering wreck 😆)"  - You will probably swing back and forth with this.  And both are ok.  I found that while I was still on the roller coaster, after the first few months, the hills and valleys weren't quite as violent.  I think you will find some peace once you move out.  Living with them, or seeing them for me, was like pouring salt on an open wound, never giving it time to heal.

One bit of advice; if you have the energy, make your home a beautiful sanctuary that is all yours.  You will appreciate it more than you realize and of course the girls will too.  You got this, Moon! 
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #60 on: August 17, 2018, 06:46:00 AM »
One bit of advice; if you have the energy, make your home a beautiful sanctuary that is all yours.  You will appreciate it more than you realize and of course the girls will too.

WORD! 

NOT IF you have the energy, seriously DO it... It will make an amazing amount of difference (trust me - personal experience!). My apartment is MY refuge, from STBXW, from MLC, from work... It is MINE and it is the way I like it, even if it is a bit chaotic at the moment... AND S has said many times that he likes MY apartment "much better" than mom's.  When I asked him why, he said "because it feels like a home. It feels a lot like where we used to live.... Mom's apartment is all hard but yours is nice AND comfortable... "

The kids DO notice...

I had never decorated an apartment for myself only... ever.. and I was 53 years old!  I went from high school to the Navy, got married to xW1 and we had a couple of apartments together and a town house. While I was back in Colorado looking for a job, I lived in an apartment that my parents owned (furnished) and then when xW1 went off the rails, I ended up moving closer to my work into a house that I shared with 2 others so I had my room and everything else was already there. When I came to Germany, I had a furnished flat from the company and then STBXW and I had a condo and a town house together so it was always a compromise of tastes... I really had to THINK about what I wanted, what I liked, how to arrange things when I got my own apartment... In the very beginning, I was often thinking about what kind of furniture "we" would have until I got it through my head that THERE WAS NO "WE"   There were some things that STBXW didn't want from the house that I took because I liked them and I have made them work. I replaced all my dining room chairs but kept the table, kept the bed but replaced the mattresses, kept my closet (closets are NOT built-in in Germany, you buy them like furniture), and a couple of basic bookshelves... Then the fun started...

STBXW was never at peace when she came over and always looked so sad... Finally, she blurted out "Your apartment feels so comfortable." I just said "thank you" and that I liked it.... She no longer stays around much when she drops off the kids... drop and dash...

I recently got some art work from an artist that is well-known in the North Sea Islands of Germany. I already had 4 beautiful prints (limited editions and signed) that hang over my sofa. These were smaller and he signed them as well. I managed to find a BIG frame with a gorgeous dark gray backing that all 4 fit is nicely. that is now hanging over my dining room table.  Last time STBXW was there, she immediately noticed and commented that it was a very nice picture and looked good over the table... Yes, it DOES look VERY good there...

To make a short story long - Moon, make your place YOURS, for you and the kids. You'll be at peace and so will they. Having a refuge that is YOURS is a wonderful thing...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #61 on: August 17, 2018, 02:07:18 PM »
Thank you Whyus, Treasur, Family and UM - thank you all for your kind wishes.

Firstly though, I have the keys and have a new house. :)  Needs a bit more work than I thought, but it’s mine now to do what I want with.  Cleaning and moving starts in earnest tomorrow.  I’ve taken two weeks off to get it sorted best I can. 

Whyus - I expect you’re right.  I try not to think too much about it now (the affair is only a minor part of her MLC) but if I had to guess I’d say OM is probably playing some sort of ‘friends with benefits’ deal, until something better comes along.  W is probably still besotted enough with him to think he’ll come to her soon, but who knows.  As I say, I try not to think about it. Just looking forward to be away from her selfishness and madness. 

Treasur - I just think indifference is the best place to be, neither clinging on or hating.  The MLCer usually still has a long way still to go though, and indifference is a good place to wait it out.

Family, UM. I spent a good few hours there this afternoon and although the place was empty it was nice and quiet.  I’ve got a nice new sofa lined which is really soft and comfortable and I’ve invested in some nice smelling candles.  Might even look into getting some chill out CDs.  I want to make it somewhere the girls want to come to (I think investing in a ninetendo switch might help there) but also somewhere I can begin to heal and grow after the last 9 months of MLC madness.  As you both say, a sanctuary.  Somewhere where I don’t have to tread on eggshells or worry about when W is coming home.  It’ll be new, living on my own but perhaps it might also be the making of me. 



“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline Thunder

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #62 on: August 18, 2018, 09:15:23 AM »
Hi Moon, just catching up.

I have to say I agree 100% with the others. 

It was hard at first moving out.  H told me I could take anything I want, but I only took things I really like and bought lots of new stuff.
When I shopped it was for just me.  Never even considered if he would like it or not.
I love my apartment.  I've lived here for 4 years now and just signed a new lease.  It's quiet, the grounds are kept up beautifully, the park and river are right by my place and management is great.

Anyway my XH has only been here a couple of times and loved it.   :)

I go over to the house a lot and we spend a lot of time together, but this is my little slice of heaven.  For just me.

I know the girls will love to be able to decorate for themselves and they will make it homey for them too.

Can't wait to hear how you guys do.   :)

btw, I agree your W is scared, too.

I remember my H saying.."Oh you're just afraid of moving out by yourself, you'll be fine with it."
Then added.."Don't think I'm not afraid too.  I am.  Very afraid."

So there ya go.
Their really not quite sure their doing the right thing.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #63 on: August 18, 2018, 09:40:54 AM »
Thinking of you today Moon!  Right now might be tough because you are in the "in between" phase.  Little by little it will come together.  Lots of hugs!  Your LBS army is with you in Spirit at your new home sending you lots of good vibes there. :)
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #64 on: August 24, 2018, 12:36:28 PM »
Thank you Family, Thunder

Just a quick update.  Nothing to report on the W front (other than I’ve not seen or spoken to her since Wednesday morning and, frankly, I can’t say I’m missing her at all yet).  She’s texted me a few times about the girls.  I’ve responded politely but no more.  I’ve not contacted her and felt no need to. 

On the house move, I hired a van on Tuesday (first time I’ve driven a van, I quite enjoyed it) and with the help of the SDIL moved all the big pieces of furniture across.  My first night here was Wednesday and I had the girls with me. They’re treating it as an adventure atm and have rather enjoyed daddy’s new house (for the moment I’m sure it’s the novelty value but it still feels good that I’m keeping them happy despite it all).  They spent last night here as well.  D4 slept through both nights, something she rarely did at the old house.  Tonight is the first night here on my own. I’m actually rather enjoying the piece and quiet.  This feels a nice comfy house, and I think I’m going to be ok here. 

Oh, and in response to that little voice in my head that asks ‘what is W doing now?’ Or ‘What would W think?’ I’m increasingly responding with ‘don’t know, don’t care’.  Not all the time, but certainly most.
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #65 on: August 24, 2018, 03:31:36 PM »
Good for you Moon. That’s a big hurdle over. Glad the girls were there and hope tonight has been ok in that comfy house!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #66 on: August 25, 2018, 04:51:37 AM »
That's great, Moon!  Oh, your new place is going to be such a joy for you and your girls!  The less contact you have, the more opportunity you have to develop your life outside of w and the faster you will heal.  I'd like to hear more about how you are decorating it!
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #67 on: September 01, 2018, 12:03:18 AM »
Thanks Rose, Family
This is my first chance in a while to post.  It’s been 10 nights since I moved in to my new home.  So far I’m rather enjoying it.  And more importantly for those 10 nights I’ve had the girls for 6, so so far W is keeping her word on that front.  I’ve only seen W twice in this time.  I can’t say she looks particularly happy.  Indeed, BIL and his wife came round here last weekend (and bought some nice house warming gifts for me and the girls) and told me MIL and W had some sort of row during SDIL’s surprise party.  Also W spent a lot of the evening on the gin.  Anyway, certainly not missing that madness.  It truly is a case of out of sight, out of mind.

Family, i haven’t had to decorate much.  The previous owners repainted the house to help sell it.  I’ve just had to pick out the matching colours.  The living room was painted a light grey brown colour.  I’ve bought a sofa and chairs to match, but then gone with purple (curtains, rug, light shades, cushions, etc).  The dining kitchen was painted grey, so in there I’ve gone with red (utensils, storage pots, towels, clock, etc).  Upstairs was painted pretty neutral, so I’ve gone with black and blue in my room and pink in the girls (of course 😁).  The girls got to choose posters, etc so they’ve loved doing that.   I’ve still lots to do, but thankfully most things inside are now unpacked. 

Next up though is mine and W’s wedding anniversary.  I’ve asked this question before but I’d like to hear any views again, do I bother doing anything?  I was thinking of getting a simple WA card, but now I’m not sure about that.  I discussed it with my counsellor, whose view was ‘what would it achieve?’.  Beyond, it felt the normal thing for me to do, I didn’t really have an answer to that.  Any views here welcome though. 
« Last Edit: September 01, 2018, 12:05:38 AM by The Moon’s a balloon »
“It matters not how strait the gate,
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I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #68 on: September 01, 2018, 10:05:55 AM »
I wouldn't, but you have to guage your own situation. It might not be a bad idea to have a card or little something just in case she sends something, though. 

Since the start of BD for me came 3 days before Valentine's day and 7 days before our anniversary (yes, he desparately tried to BD me ON our anniversary, but I short circuited that as I knew something was up), I already had purchased something, but my X even said he "wasn't up for anything".  It was a small gift, a new pilsner glass because he had broken his, filled with malted milk balls (because he loved them). He took a picture of it for whatever reason (found that out by accident), did use the glass and ate the malted milk balls, but never said thank you or acknowledged it in any way.

Your new place sounds lovely, Moon. I'm sure it is all very fun for your girls, too. I'm so glad you have your healing space.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #69 on: September 01, 2018, 10:13:47 AM »
I wouldn't either. Too much 'pressure' for her and for you? This is not your wife and you're trying to detach not hold on?
By all means do something for YOU to mark the day if you want to...maybe something nice with or for your girls or something by yourself which lets you celebrate what was good. I usually go to church on my own and pray for both of us.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline moc

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #70 on: September 01, 2018, 11:22:29 AM »
Moon: I have to agree with the others.  I would not do anything.  Mine just past with STBXW but she was deep in affair country and I had not realized it.  Thought she was coming home but she skated.  Now I just don't firetrucking care.  You will get there to pal.  I know you are on the way of not monkey braining as much or anymore.  For me it took about 10days too.

Stay strong brother.
M: 48
W: 43
S15 & S11 [from MLCer1]
BD#1: 9/2017
BD#2: 11/2017
D in the works.  I AM DONE!!!
Separated: 12/2017
OM: EAs up to at least 6 now, 2 PAs-confirmed

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #71 on: September 02, 2018, 03:38:21 AM »
Moon

I wouldn’t mark the anniversary, as treasur says it will seem like pressure and isn’t worth it. I would for sure mark the day for yourself, treat yourself.

Your new place sounds good.  I also have a red kitchen and pink for the girls is so cute! Sounds perfect.

Hope the next 10 days are just as peaceful

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #72 on: September 03, 2018, 08:15:11 AM »
Your place sounds great, Moon!  I agree with the others regarding your anniversary.  Don't do anything except treat yourself.  (((((HUGS)))))
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #73 on: September 04, 2018, 02:58:09 AM »
STBXW studiously ignored EVERY Anniversary after BD.. In fact, she has purposefully been on holiday with the kids in order to avoid having to deal with her mess... so do not expect anything... If you have a card on the shelf in case fine but do't even bother to plan anything EXCEPT for yourself...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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Offline Blueblood

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #74 on: September 10, 2018, 12:44:01 AM »
Hi Moon,

Just catching up.

Nice to see you in your new home. It takes a while. But you seem in a good place.

I've never had one conversation where my W talked, she just denied. So I take it this is it. The danger for you is that you stand still. I think you seem very balanced in this madness, your emotions seem normal. So go at your pace, do what feels right.

I do think over time we come to accept the situation. It isn't our choice but what we do now is.

Good luck mate.
Blue
M 15 @ BD
Me 50 W 45
D15 D13 D9 S9
BD1 Nov16 (not happy), BD2 May17 ILYBNILWY
PA yes

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #75 on: September 11, 2018, 02:03:17 PM »
Thank you Blueblood, UM, Family, Rose, Moc, Treasur and OffRoad

I’m beginning to feel really quite comfortable in my new home, as I think do the girls. It’s nice and quiet and restful here and I feel quite happy to be here, even on my own. 

I think I’m probably also overdue an update.  Firstly, the WA.  I bought and signed a card and kept it handy, but as predicted W said and did nothing.  I took the girls round to hers that afternoon and we chatted for a while but it wasn’t mentioned (and my card remained in my car glove box).  I spent the evening by myself.  Went through a four pack of beer and rented a movie.  I was sad, but ok in the end.  Separately, I noticed that our anniversary had been scrubbed off the calendar at my old home. 

What else?  W had been pestering me to drop off the girls at my new home for a while.  It was obvious she wanted to have a nose round but I’d always found an excuse to pick them up from her. Anyway, once I’d got the house presentable I asked if she wanted to stay for tea next time she dropped the girls off.  She said she’d have to see, but eventually she agreed.  I thought the house looked great.  The girls were really excited to show mummy around and I was calm and friendly.  I thought it went ok.

She invited me round the next evening to help bath the girls and get them ready for the next day - D4 was starting school.  And for the next three days both W and I took and picked up D4 from school.  I did notice though, going back to my old house, that almost all pictures with me in them (a fair few of which were wedding photos) has been taken down.  That hurt a bit but I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised.  I also noticed that in almost every room there is now some sort of childish unicorn item.  The outside front door mat even has a glittery unicorn on it with the words ‘This house is powered by unicorn power’.  Some of the pics on the wall have also been replaced by framed slogans (I think one was something typically selfish like ‘do something every day that makes you happy’. I read it and thought “yeah and it should also say ‘and boll**ks to everyone else’ at the end”).  Anyway, I wasn’t sure whether it’s all done for the girls, or just another example of her MLC and her reverting to teenage years. 

And one final thing, she made a big point of telling me that on one night she had the girls she was getting her Mum to babysit.  There was some sort of work related leaving do she had to go to (I assumed OM would be there but didn’t say anything, not my business any more I thought).  Anyway, on the day itself, she turned up for D4’s school run sporting a brand new wavy hair do.  Never had anything like it before, and she admitted it would take too long to do herself in the mornings, so it was literally just for the night.  It rang a bell though, and a quick Facebook stalk later, I was looking at a pic of the OMs ex with the exact same haircut.  Whether that was a coincidence I don’t know, but if not I thought it rather desperate.
« Last Edit: September 11, 2018, 02:05:24 PM by The Moon’s a balloon »
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #76 on: September 12, 2018, 02:54:44 AM »
A question and a comment....

If it was her night and she had plans, why not just have the girls come to you? That is pretty much how STBXW and I are working it. In fact, I had planed a babysitter for a night when the kids were with me and I had to attend a parents night at D's school and STBXW was upset and wanted the kids to come to her.... Unless, of course, you already had plans too...

Second, the comment, no, it is NOT a coincidence... She is trying to fulfill OM's previous R.. She is trying to become his ex. You see that a lot here too where the OW will try to become everything that the Real Life Wife was ....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #77 on: September 12, 2018, 03:01:21 PM »
Hi UM
Good question.  Actually I did have plans, but W did not know that, and she never offered for the girls to come to me that night.  I didn’t argue the point, as I thought there may actually be nights when I have the girls but also want to go out. Now she’s set the precedent that they can still stay with me if I can get a babysitter. 

I think that’s probably right about the hairdo.  The fact she feels the need to do it though, suggests to me she may still be pursuing him but not getting the same level of commitment back.  Otherwise, why would she need to?  Anyway, probably just some more MLC madness that I’m better off out off. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #78 on: September 16, 2018, 09:22:17 PM »
Just a quick update, as usual any comments welcome tho. Yesterday was my mum’s birthday.  W and my mum have never really got on. And it can’t have been any surprise to W when neither my mum or any of my side of the family got her a card or anything for her birthday in June. That’s not to say it wasn’t noted and W commented on it later.  Especially when her side of the family all bought me cards for my birthday in July.  Anyway, as I say, yesterday was my mum’s birthday.  My sisters and I took her out for lunch and my girls came to.  When we get back, waiting in my Mum’s letterbox was a birthday card to my mum from W. 

Don’t know what to make of that. Is it W just being nice? Is she trying to prove a point (as she didn’t get a card) or is it cake eating (trying to continue to play happy families like she’s doing nothing wrong) or something else?  Very weird but views welcome. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Online Treasur

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #79 on: September 16, 2018, 11:25:00 PM »
wouldn't waste time musing on it tbh - who knows?
most likely a bit of 'let's all pretend this is fine' stuff but not sure it matters for you really
how does your mother feel about it?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #80 on: September 16, 2018, 11:49:02 PM »
Thanks Treasur.  My mum’s like me on this, puzzled.  Her first comment was ‘I never got her a card for her birthday’.
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Online Treasur

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #81 on: September 16, 2018, 11:59:20 PM »
yup, puzzled is ok...
just don't waste time trying to solve the puzzle and encourage your mother to just mentally drop it into the 'weird shrug' box too  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #82 on: September 17, 2018, 12:21:33 AM »
Lol.  Weird shrug indeed Treasur.  As you say, an example (and I’ve seen several now) of her mindset that everything is fine, everything is normal, she’s done/doing nothing wrong.
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #83 on: September 18, 2018, 01:02:56 AM »
Moon

Agree that is a weird one. She is thinking of you all anyway and maybe had a moment of clarity, just shows this is all not normal behaviour but don’t let it suck you in.

If you see her this week think of something to say about it if she mentions it. Maybe ‘yes she got the card, thanks that was nice’.

Every little thing is so tricky isn’t it!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #84 on: September 18, 2018, 05:09:57 AM »
 "her mindset that everything is fine, everything is normal, she’s done/doing nothing wrong." - Yep!  Isn't that so weird how they can do that? I like Treasur's idea of the "weird shrug" box.  That's where it belongs.
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #85 on: September 18, 2018, 05:15:52 AM »
Lol.  Weird shrug indeed Treasur.  As you say, an example (and I’ve seen several now) of her mindset that everything is fine, everything is normal, she’s done/doing nothing wrong.

Of course she's doing nothing wrong!  Because the ONLY ting that matters to her at the moment is getting her next fix of happy. Any consequences are not her problem, they are someone else's problem... until they aren't anymore but THAT realization comes MUCH later int eh process and THEN it hits them between the eyes like a 2x4....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #86 on: October 02, 2018, 02:51:37 AM »
Thanks all.  And I hope that’s right UM, cos at the moment she’s sailing serenely on.  Just a handful  of updates.  I had the girls for a while after school last week, so I offered to do W and all of us tea.  Without hesitating she accepted and afterwards thanked me for a nice meal. 

Nothing much of note there, but I’ve noticed now a couple of times now W’s dropped into a conversation how’s she been out and had a lot to drink - almost bragging about the hangover she had the next day.  She was never a heavy drinker, and I can rarely remember her getting drunk that often, let alone boasting about it. Certainly a change in her, and more evidence perhaps of regressing to her teenage years.  Does that strike anyone as the behaviour of a happy person?  And why mention it?

On a separate matter, I took the girls away for the weekend to a local seaside resort.  They loved it, and the three of us had a great time together, but there was a W shaped hole there.  It’s probably been the first time since BD2, I can say I’ve really missed her.  After I dropped the kids off back at hers (I didn’t say anything but kept it cheerful) I have to confess I went home and had a damn good cry.  Is it weird to miss someone so much and hate them at the same time?
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Online Treasur

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #87 on: October 02, 2018, 03:10:54 AM »
Not weird at all
You miss your W and her role in your family
And hate the self-centred teenage MLC version who is capable of hurting everyone with apparently no concern at all.
Makes perfect sense to me.

Breaks my heart that I will probably never see my h's face again or hear his voice before I die
Absolutely my choice to shut the door on who he has become for my own health and happiness.
Both make sense to me.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #88 on: October 02, 2018, 04:22:05 AM »
That’s it precisely Treasur.  I miss my family. D4 had her first ride on a beach donkey at the weekend.  You should have seen her face.  I had no one to share that moment with, and that was so hard to take.  Do they ever come back, and become more like the person you once knew?  Or should I just accept it’s over, and i’ll never have those type of memories with my family again?  A friend of mine tells me I should accept the W I knew is gone for good and move on. My eldest sister believes W will be back in 3 months! 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Online Treasur

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #89 on: October 02, 2018, 04:35:35 AM »
I get that feeling of not being able to share things with the only other people who would get it. For me,, that loss is one of the toughest things about losing my parents at the same time as my h because I'm left with the shared stories but not the people who got them or care about them as I do.
Can't imagine how that feels as you make new moments with young kids...but it is her loss, and you were there to see your daughter's joy.

Jmo but I think you work with what is real right now and, if you want to, hope for something better in time without making yourself a hostage to the unknown?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #90 on: October 02, 2018, 03:15:36 PM »
That’s it precisely Treasur.  I miss my family. D4 had her first ride on a beach donkey at the weekend.  You should have seen her face.  I had no one to share that moment with, and that was so hard to take.  Do they ever come back, and become more like the person you once knew?  Or should I just accept it’s over, and i’ll never have those type of memories with my family again?  A friend of mine tells me I should accept the W I knew is gone for good and move on. My eldest sister believes W will be back in 3 months!

Moon

MLC is usually classed as a temporary crisis so keep hope in your heart. The twists and turns and time all have a factor but it is usually said that the LBS ultimately has the decision on the outcome. There are reconciliation stories on here, have you read them? You’ll need patience though, and probably a little bit of luck so look out for it!

Rose 🌹

Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #91 on: October 10, 2018, 04:14:35 AM »
MLC is usually classed as a temporary crisis so keep hope in your heart. T<...snip...>
Rose 🌹

With "temporary" meaning anywhere between a couple of years and  a couple of decades...

Live like they are not coming back. If they do, THEN you can decide what to do...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #92 on: October 22, 2018, 12:06:30 PM »
Thanks Treasur, RoseTG, UM
I have seen some of the reconciliation threads on here.  DefJens threads made for really great reading, but then I read a lot more threads where reconciliation hasn’t happened.  Anyway, just a few updates from me and a question. 

First, the bad news, W has changed all the locks on our old house.  No explanation or nothing.  Front door, back door and back gate, all changed.  How do I know, because I’ve been invited round now a couple of times.  It was D4s birthday the other week, so I went round there and we helped do her a party at a nearby hall.  It was like old times, working together as a team. She even let me drive the family car briefly, which she has usually guarded jealousy.  And she’s  even come round to mine a couple of times after I’ve invited her round for tea.  I mainly let her talk, and there has been no relationship talk, but otherwise we’ve been getting on ok.  She’s taken the girls away for a weeks holiday now, so that’s tough. 

A couple of odd things to note: her memory seems to be getting worse.  She took a cake knife to the party to cut the cake.  My mum saw her pack it away but she texts me when we get home to say we must have left it behind.  I agree to phone the place up the next day to see if they can find it, but it turns out she’d unpacked it and put it away, but forgot she had done so!   The other thing, I had the girls for three nights before she took them on holiday.  After two nights she rings up, I can tell she’s upset, asking to see the girls.  I say yes and she comes round for half an hour for a cup of tea.  As I say tho, she’d only not seen them for less than two days. It worries me a bit.  Clearly she misses them , and maybe it’s good she is facing some of the consequences of her actions, but it worries me in case she decides she can’t do without them and tries to cut me more out of their lives.  That’s what scares me most. 

Anyway, my question, I’m being nice and calm with W.  Not showing any anger, not asking any questions, not applying any pressure, being civil and asking her round for meals and doing my fair share with the girls, etc But where do you draw the line between ‘paving the way’ and letting them cake eat?  Or am I getting paving the way wrong?  As ever, views welcome?
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #93 on: October 24, 2018, 08:12:50 AM »
STBXW plays the same sort of Sob Story with our D as well... With S, she is more than willing for me to have him with me as much as possible.. This mirrors her parents D where the girls stayed with MIL and the boy went with MLCFIL(RIP).

Just stick to the times that you have arranged. She can come and see them if it is OK for you but you have your parenting time and she has hers. Part of the consequences of her going off the rails... She's going to be lonely some times....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #94 on: October 24, 2018, 08:21:38 AM »
As UM says, your w will need to learn that this is what breaking your family up looks like practically. By all means be civil, but please don't flip flop yourself into a pretzel changing the kids' schedule as actually you need to put them first, you second and your w at best third.

And I wouldn't worry about the locks unless there is a burning practical reason why you should or you need to arrange to get some of your stuff out of the house still - presumably your w does not have a key to your place
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #95 on: November 26, 2018, 03:33:18 PM »
No update for a month now.  Apologies.  It seems to have flown by.  It seems to be two steps forward and two steps back. Treasur, W doesn’t have a key to my place.  I did offer one in exchange for keeping a key to hers.  She just changed the locks instead.

W came round the other week.  I had the girls that weekend, she’d been on a spa break with the toxic best friend, but she wanted to talk when she picked the girls up.  Turns out she was worrying the girls wanted to be with me more than her.  I told her they wanted to be with both of us.  She said she had admitted to D5 that she missed me sometimes.  She actually cried and I had to give her a hug.  She apologised for bringing this to me and crying in front of me.  I listened without saying much, tempting as it was to point out the obvious.  I said I was there if she wanted to talk.   

The following weekend , it’s her turn to have the girls. She actually asks me around to help rearrange D7s bedroom and then asks me to come for tea that evening.  Afterwards I get the girls to bed, like old times, but I leave more or less afterwards.  She actually gave me a kiss on the cheek as I left.  Things are seeming ok between us.  We seem to be exchanging messages (about the girls) daily.  We’ve organised D7 birthday between us.  Then tonight she mentions that we need to talk about Xmas.  The inference is that, while I’ll be there Xmas morning to be there when the girls open their presents I won’t be there for lunch with them.  That really chokes me up.  I hadn’t really thought about it, and not being with them all Xmas day really upsets me.  I thought I was passed that but guess not. 

It’s hard to detach when you’re seeing or messaging them at least every other day.  Is this what it’s going to be like from now on?  And I think Xmas is going to be really tough, especially not to be with the girls all the holidays. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #96 on: November 27, 2018, 06:47:45 AM »
Quote from: The Moon's A Balloon
And I think Xmas is going to be really tough, especially not to be with the girls all the holidays.

Uhhhmmmmmm .... Why are the girls not going to be with you all the holidays? W doesn't get automatic dibs on everything.... If you are sharing custody, the holidays should be shared as well...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #97 on: November 27, 2018, 02:28:01 PM »
They’ll be with me some of the time I’m sure UM.  But I won’t see them everyday as I have for every year of their lives so far.  That will be the hardest part.
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #98 on: November 28, 2018, 07:06:10 AM »
They’ll be with me some of the time I’m sure UM.  But I won’t see them everyday as I have for every year of their lives so far.  That will be the hardest part.

Yep, that it is..... Been there, done that... On the flip side, STBXW doesn't have them every day anymore either....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #99 on: November 30, 2018, 05:48:42 PM »
Absolutely UM.  And I think sometimes W realises that as well.  But even when she has them, it doesn’t stop her social life.  But when I have them she misses them ‘so much’.  There’s one solution to this, but she can’t bring herself to face it yet.  What did her brother say to me the other day? ‘She’s as thick as sh*t sometimes’.  I’m beginning to doubt now whether I would ever want her back, if the choice ever came, I feel so angry towards her sometimes. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #100 on: January 15, 2019, 01:26:22 PM »
Just a brief touch of journaling, today marks my first anniversary since bomb drop - 15th January.  It’s frightening how much can change in just 12 months.  So much that seemed so strong and so certain, all seemingly gone. 

I managed to get through Christmas and New Years, lonely as it was sometimes, I did get my girls for half the holidays.  We all spent Xmas day together, W included, which was kinda nice but also a bit uncomfortable.  The girls loved it though. 

There’s been a few, what I assume are, touch and goes.  I’ve been invited around to W’s for the odd meal.  On one occasion she asked for a hug before I left!   On another W rang me in tears.  She found some hair in D8s bed and W had automatically assumed the D8 was unhappy with what W had done and had been pulling her hair out.  It turned out, without much investigation (her hair was lob sided lol) that D5 has got hold of a pair of scissors and has been cutting her own hair, leaving the hair in D8’s bed.  Straightaway though W thought it was something she had done.  Amongst the tears she even went so far as confessing that she didn’t want the girls turning out like she has.  I felt like saying something but just listened patiently before leaving.  It’s not been referred to again.

I’m still slowly being removed from my old house (pictures including me slowly being replaced) and being left out of things, which is tough.  I’m not sure I could ever move back there now, if it ever became an option, which i don’t think it ever will.  I just don’t think she’s the type ever to admit she’s wrong. 

I’m still getting the odd bittersweet memory, of something we’ve done together or a place we’ve been.  They’re getting less and less now though, which is both sad and relief.  Sometimes I find it hard to comprehend that we were happily married for 10 years.  It seems not just a different time but a different life almost.  Did it ever happen or did I just read about it?  Those memories are starting to no longer feel like mine. 

Anyway, start of a new year.  Let’s see what this second year since BD brings.  Best wishes and a belated happy new year to you all. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline serenity

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #101 on: January 15, 2019, 01:41:49 PM »
Hello TMAB,

Love your name and I loved the book by the same title by David niven!

Considering you’ve not been in this awful situation that long you’re sounding pretty good and strong!

Your wife sounds like a clinging boomerang and I had a lot of similar behaviour from my H. I’m now over 7 1/2 years!

I think just keep doing whatever you’re doing as you seem to have a good handle on things

X


Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #102 on: January 15, 2019, 01:52:59 PM »
Moon

Happy new year to you! Hope it’s a happy and healthy one, and more peaceful than the last.

Now that the first BD anniversary is past you can focus on yourself again and hopefully your W will work on her issues.

Goodness can’t believe your D was cutting her hair and can’t believe your W thought it was her doing! At least she knows that could be a possibility!

Did you cope ok without the girls over part of Christmas? That’s tough.
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #103 on: January 22, 2019, 02:23:27 PM »
Thanks Serenity and thanks Rosetinted. 

The David Niven book is exactly where my name came from Serenity.  Been years since I read it, but it just came to mind.  Just seemed apt I guess.  Reflecting how something that seemed so certain in my life was actually something else.   I’m coping now, but there are times when it all still seems so unreal.  I was interested in you say this is still early days.  I guess it is though, which is still quite scary. 

Rosetinted.  Christmas was quite tough at times, mainly when I didn’t see my two girls.  The four of us spent most of Christmas Day together though, including dinner at the MILs.  In a way, I’m glad it’s over but I need to get something booked to look forward to this year, a holiday or something.  W has already booked a holiday abroad over Easter.  Not sure how she can afford it.  I can’t.  Will have to be something in this country. It was also quite revealing over Xmas in who I got a card from and what friends asked how I was doing. 

But otherwise, I keep ploughing on.  What else is there to do? 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #104 on: January 24, 2019, 01:16:24 PM »
Moon

Yeah there’s not much else to do out keep on keeping on. Hopefully you can get some money together for a trip away as I agree it would be lovely, even just looking forward to it would be nice!

Are your good friends supporting you?

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Blueblood

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #105 on: January 26, 2019, 10:10:06 AM »
Moon

Still here reading along. Unreal is exactly that. When will it feel real so we can move on. I'm sure our futures will be brighter.

Blue
M 15 @ BD
Me 50 W 45
D15 D13 D9 S9
BD1 Nov16 (not happy), BD2 May17 ILYBNILWY
PA yes

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #106 on: January 28, 2019, 02:10:28 PM »
Thanks Rose.  Hello again Blueblood.  Good to hear from you.  I hope you’re keeping well. 

As to friends, as became evident over Xmas, a few of the friends we shared seem to have gone to her side.  No one really asked how I found Xmas.  So things are a bit lonely at times, but I am trying to make new friends.  Not so easy when you reach your 40s.

Anyway, I had the girls with me last night and today.  W comes round after work to pick them up and as she is leaving asks if I want to come for tea.  D8 is having a go at cooking.  So I go round, we all have tea together, I read to the girls and then I go to leave.  As I leave, I get the now regular kiss on the cheek and W asks if we can out for a drink sometime.  She says it been a year and we should talk about ‘what happens next’. I agree but don’t really know what more to say. She also mentions that D5 keeps asking why i can’t come on holiday with them (W has already booked a hotel holiday in April).  It’s all said more in sorrow than anything.  Again, I don’t really know what to say to her again.  She bows her head down in front of me so I can kiss the top of her head and then I leave.  And then this evening she sends a pic from 5 years ago of D8 (a Facebook reminder by the look of it).

Apart from the ‘need to talk’ the rest seems par for the course.  Don’t know what to make of it.  As I say, it was all said in sorrow so I think best not to hope for anything positive.  I’ll let her suggest a day and time. I’m not in a rush. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #107 on: February 08, 2019, 11:25:09 PM »
Quick question.  Valentine’s Day coming up.  Is anyone going to do anything for their MLC spouse (esp if separated)?   I’m undecided but given last Valentines was the day my MLCer announced she had decided we were separating permanently I’m minded to just let it pass. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #108 on: February 08, 2019, 11:54:42 PM »
Absolutely not!! We never did more than a card anyway but even if we did, why would I want to put myself through another rejection? Also if you think it from her point of view, it will not get the result you are after (ie her feeling loved) She will feel guilt that despite it all, you are still doing something for her in VD or it will feed her ego.
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Offline Thunder

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #109 on: February 09, 2019, 03:28:15 AM »
It's up to you but my opinion Moon, I wouldn't acknowledge the day at all.

She isn't going to like it or appreciate it.  I will add pressure and guilt..maybe even some anger.
Just another day.   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #110 on: February 10, 2019, 02:54:35 PM »
Thank you One Day, Thunder.  That’s what I thought. It would be the first Valentines Day in like 14 years since I’ve not done something. But I think just treating it like any other day seems the best approach. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #111 on: February 11, 2019, 10:38:31 AM »
Moon,

You have it right. Treat yourself a bit instead of her this year and keep moving forward.

Has she mentioned the ‘going out for a drink’ again? 

I hate to think of you being lonely, this is so hard isn’t it.
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #112 on: February 12, 2019, 03:38:45 PM »
Hi Rose

No, no further mention of going out for a drink and I’ve not bought the matter up again.  I had the girls after school last week, however, and she did ask whether she and the girls could stay for tea.  I said that was fine, and we all had a nice tea together.  Afterwards, D5 put on a little impromptu dance show, which was fun.  But I looked over at W half way through and she appeared miles away, just looking way off into the distance.  All very strange. 

Valentine’s Day will be tough.  But I’ve got the girls Thursday night, and all three of us are off on Friday, and then it’s my weekend to have them, so i hope it won’t be too bad.  Thank you though Rose. Your thoughts are appreciated.  I hope you’ve got something distracting for Thursday as well. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #113 on: February 14, 2019, 02:28:23 PM »
Happy Valentines Day Moon!

Hope its going ok and that you are treating yourself! Great you 3 are off tomorrow and can have a fun time together. W will be missing out for sure but keep your focus on your girls.

I normally keep quite busy so today as been the same. Next year I fancy being wined and dined, not sure yet who with but I think twice is my limit of being ignored by H. Maybe that will change but we will see!

Remember you are the prize, Moon!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #114 on: February 14, 2019, 03:45:47 PM »
Happy Valentine’s Day to you too Rose
To be honest I’ve not really thought as much about W as I thought I would.  I think I’ve accepted she’s off on her own journey, and I mine. 

Good for you Rose, let’s hope by next Valentine’s you get the attention you deserve. 
Moon
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

 

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