Author Topic: My Story My second thread: A new home  (Read 5334 times)

Offline Treasur

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My Story Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #10 on: July 29, 2018, 05:35:48 AM »
If the car is in your name or jointly owned, I'd act as if she did it by accident or I couldn't find them, and ask if she knows where they are.

On the crossed-out date, this stuff is painful and crazy for everyone who loves us and our spouses. People react in odd ways Often with no intention of hurting you. In the scheme of things I'd suggest it is not important enough to bother thinking about?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #11 on: July 29, 2018, 05:56:12 AM »
Hi Moon, I have been away for a bit sorting through my own stuff so haven't commented. 

As far as car keys, I don't really know the nuances of the situation, so not sure.  I would guess that you have every right to the keys?  I understand about not wanting to confront MLC about anything, but there are also your boundaries to consider.  It's been an unclear tightrope for me to walk, and I am lately beginning to realize I've been leaning too much on the doormat side of life.  Try to listen to your gut.  What does your gut tell you is right about the keys? 

As far as crossing  off the date, I would guess your MIL did it out of hurt.  Sounds like she is upset that this is all happening.  Maybe she wanted her D to see it.  To me it's an expression of hurt on MIL's part.

You are walking through fire my friend, but you will come out the other side stronger than ever!  ((((((HUGS)))))
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Divorced as of January 2019
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
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H 59
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Offline OffRoad

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #12 on: July 29, 2018, 12:09:01 PM »
Keys: If you want or need the car for various things, simply say your set of keys seems to be missing. Has she seen the second set of keys and if she says no, ask to borrow the car and keys to get another set made. If you never plan on driving it again, say nothing and continue on your way. But don't say " You took both sets of keys I want one set back." That never helps.  ;)

House money. Any reason it can't go straight from MIL to you?  Your W might just spend some of the money, then say she can only give you X much. I have no trust in MLCers at all.

Anniversary date: IMO, that was just their signal not to send a card or say anything. A big reminder not to put their foot in their mouth that day.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #13 on: July 29, 2018, 01:42:54 PM »
Thank you Rose, Treasur, Family and OffRoad.

W and the girls came back from their hols this afternoon.  W and I hardly said a word to each other all afternoon and evening.  I asked how she was fine, she said fine.  And just before bed she wished me a good day tomorrow (it’s my birthday) as she’ll likely have gone to work by the time I get up. And that was about it.  The girls came to me, and D4 wanted me to play with her, so I did.  We also watched a movie together while they had their tea.  W more or less disappeared to unpack.

Of note from their hols, was the amount of stuff W had bought the girls on holiday (3 cuddly toys, a unicorn cushion, a handbag, an inflatable for the pool and a water pistol - each).  We always used to limit toys to an inflatable at the start and one or two cuddlys at the end of the holiday “if they behaved themselves”.  Oh, and they rarely went to bed each night before mid night.  We used to always frown upon other parents letting their kids stay up that late while on holiday.   Now, W clearly thinks it’s fine. Guilt maybe?  It doesn’t sound like the girls did much all day but play in the pool while W sat on a sun lounger.

Anyway, back to the car keys.  Have decided best to say nothing.  The car isn’t in my name, but we do jointly own it.  However, she’s gotten increasingly possessive of it, always making up some excuse why I can’t or shouldn’t drive it.  I know she gives OM a lift it in regularly, so no , I have no intention of driving it again.  I do intend to seek some money from W for it though.  We only bought it last October (from new), and a quarter of the money that went into it was mine.  However, she has quibbled about this, saying some of the money came from elsewhere and that the car isn’t worth as much.  All of which maybe true, but she still isn’t getting it as a gift! 

OffRoad - the House money thing is complicated.  Not sure I quite understand myself.  It could go straight from MIL to me I think, but it needs to be shown that it is for my share of the equity in my current house.  So I think it’s easier if it comes from MIL to me, for my share of the house.  If she wants to spend it first, then I don’t get free of this house, so I can’t buy another (without paying extra tax) and I don’t move out.  I doubt she wants that.

On the crossed out anniversary date,  I'm sure this is upsetting for MIL (we’ve always gotten on) and I agree it was likely done more out of hurt than anything else.  It was MIL who first suggested W was having an MLC, and she’s admitted to me more than once that her and W’s relationship has changed (with W being more distant).  Anyway not much I can say or do about it.  I like your suggestion Rose, just think to next year and that it might not be crossed off. 

As ever, thank you for the hugs Family.  I know you’ve got a lot of stuff going on atm, but always good to hear from you, and I hope you’re keeping best you can. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #14 on: July 30, 2018, 02:44:46 PM »
Spot of journaling (as ever tho any comments welcome).

My birthday today.  This time last year, we went away on holiday to Ibiza for it.  This year, I see W for literally 2 minutes.  As promised, she’s up and off to work before I get up.  Have a nice morning with the girls before taking them to the cinema.  We open my cards and presents together.  Hurts a bit that all the cards from the in-laws are normal birthday cards (not son-in-law or brother-in-law) but I suppose that is to be expected.  The card from W is nice, to “somebody special” and signed “love W x”.  Not had a “x” from her since February.  Of course, it hurts that the card no longer mentions ‘husband’ but I suppose it could have been a lot worse.  Do I read anything into it? Still no sign of monster, so perhaps not MLC (I know, I know, you’ll tell me not to doubt it, there are too many other signs), but if MLC, then do I take any hope from the ‘somebody special’ card or is that just pity/sympathy on W’s part?   

I took the girls for tea, and then came home for two minutes before going out for a drink with a friend.  She was going out to watch TV somewhere at a friends (I think OM is away at the moment so perhaps not him).  Exchanged brief pleasantries with W before I went out.  Polite and friendly enough.  She seemed genuinely interested that she had got me the right present I had asked for, and seemed pleased it was.  And that was it.  First birthday in over 14 years that W hasn’t really featured in.  Quite sad.  What it will be like this time next year, who knows?  If you told me, as we watched the sun set in Ibiza on my birthday last year, I’d be here now, I would have thought you crazy.  But then as we know, MLC is a whole world of crazy. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #15 on: July 30, 2018, 02:58:42 PM »

First birthday in over 14 years that W hasn’t really featured in.  Quite sad.  What it will be like this time next year, who knows?  If you told me, as we watched the sun set in Ibiza on my birthday last year, I’d be here now, I would have thought you crazy.  But then as we know, MLC is a whole world of crazy.
 

Happy Birthday, Moon!

I remember all the holidays that first year and how hard they were.  I'm sorry you have to experience your birthday in such a way. 

You are right, though, about the craziness of the MLC world. 

Sending you a birthday hug and cheers! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16 - his 53rd birthday
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Broken hearted 1971

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #16 on: July 30, 2018, 06:32:27 PM »
Happy birthday friend. Your definitely right, mlc land is crazy. You know im gonna call you out on that one, definitely mlc. Stop questioning. My mlc w didn't monster. Im hoping like mine you may have a milder case of mlc. We are only 9 months reconciled and the only problems we really have are me. She appears to be about 90% healed. EMDR did wonders for her. None of the old behavior or tendencies are present anymore. Call me anytime
Married 28yrs at bd childhood sweethearts together at 14 and 16 years old
Bd 8\28\16 i can't take the way you are, im moving, no tears. I knew i had a problem, i talked her into staying.
D day1 11\2\17 affair uncovered. 16m long i didn't have a clue
D day2 2\16\18 2 weeks emailing, burner phone
MLCer changed her life after d day 2.  I\c counseling, EMDR. Childhood trauma the cause
We are reconciling
Reconciling is not for the weak!! Must have unconditional love

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #17 on: July 31, 2018, 03:12:47 AM »
Thank you for the birthday good wishes Still and Broken. 

After yesterday, I have to say I’m feeling a bit down now.  Still waiting in limbo for the house move.  So frustrating, I should have been on leave today and making a start on some packing.  Still strange behaviour by W.  The second car key has reappeared.  This morning she did her usual trick of turning left for work but parking at her other office which only needs a right hand turn.  That usually means she’s having a lift with OM, but his car has been absent from his house and office since before last week.  I had assumed he was away (perhaps he has a new car, or moved house even).  I know, I need to stop thinking about him.  He’s nothing in all this. I would just like to know what the state of their relationship is. Does it matter? I don’t know.  She went out somewhere last night, taxi there and taxi back (so could drink) dressed up, all to watch some TV apparently (Live Island final).  Strange.  She could have watched it at home (and certainly would have done in previous years).

Anyway, yes that was my first birthday since separation, and it was tough.  Next big anniversary, is our wedding anniversary in September.  Again, we were on holiday for that (just the two of us) last year, so that will be another heart wrenching moment.  Hopefully I’ll have moved out by then and I can maybe spend the day by myself. 

Thanks Broken. I knew you would apply the necessary 2x4.  Probably it’s just a self esteem issue, my questioning her MLC.  I always felt lucky to have found and married W, part of me thinks this is just maybe my luck running out.  But after 10 years, 2 kids, and lots of good memories, what else can it be, other than MLC.  Other than the absence of monster, everything else seems to fit the script.    I can understand the pain your going through though.  I suppose reconciliation has to involve another form of detachment, this time though detaching from the memories of the MLC you and your MLC W went through.  A chat would be brilliant.  I’ll send you a message.
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #18 on: July 31, 2018, 05:13:59 AM »
Moon,

I've now been down this road twice - xW1 went totally off the rails, a Monster which made Godzilla on Steroids look like a tame puppy dog, drugs, multiple AD's, bankruptcy, the works.... at the age of 33...

STBXW is 48, no monster, no Bat-Snot Crazy antics but JUST as much MLC script....

Just because the monster hasn't shown up doesn't mean it is NOT MLC.... Different people have different modes... If she is a low-energy type like STBXW, then there may not BE a pronounced monster or it may manifest itself in other ways (i. e. passive-aggressive nonsense or the occasional snotty comment as opposed to full on screaming rage).

If that is the case, you may consider yourself lucky... Doesn't make it HURT any less but, speaking from personal experience, it is a LOT less damaging...

UM
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #19 on: July 31, 2018, 05:42:14 AM »
Thanks UM
That makes a lot sense, especially the passive aggressive stuff.  I agree that she fits the bill for a low energy type.  She’s become a workaholic and the affair was just an emotional one at first (status now: unknown). 

I suppose I should be grateful for its absence.  What makes it so odd though, is that W has always been the type of person to criticise and have a go if you did something she felt was wrong.  If she disagreed with you or wasn’t happy about something she would let you know in no uncertain terms straightaway.   Now,as part of her reasoning for a separation, she’s said she hasn’t been happy for about a year, but never told me about it.  That’s why I find the absence of monster so unnerving.  It’s the one part of MLC that I would expect her to excel at.  Now, if I do make a mistake around the house, not a word.  I suppose it points to the change in character part of an MLC.   To be honest though, if she does come through and wants to reconcile, I hope it’s the one part of her MLC character that remains.   ;D
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

 

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