Author Topic: My Story My second thread: A new home  (Read 5924 times)

Offline UrsaMajor

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My Story Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #20 on: July 31, 2018, 05:55:40 AM »
Quote from: The Moon's a Balloon
To be honest though, if she does come through and wants to reconcile, I hope it’s the one part of her MLC character that remains.

No, you don't... Because that means she is not saying stuff and THAT means

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #21 on: July 31, 2018, 08:22:59 AM »
Lol.  My tongue wasn’t far from my cheek when I said that UM.  Don’t worry.  12 years we’ve been together and before BD1 I don’t recall in that time we ever went to sleep on an argument.  As I say, if there was something on W’s mind, she would always let me know.  Since then though, I have no idea what she’s thinking. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline Stedroy

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #22 on: July 31, 2018, 09:13:44 AM »
Happy birthday Moon!  It was my 50th last year and I didn't get a card (except from kids) and STBXW and I went out for drinks - I paid.  It was wonderful <sarcastic>.

It is so heartbreaking to go through this and everyone on this site has been so helpful.  Your story is very similar to many of the LBS's here. I'm attaching and praying for the best.

I was given two pieces of advice early on that I am sure you heard.  The first is to work on yourself.  It may seem very hard at first but it pays dividends in the end.  Thank God I did this or I would be a disaster right now.  This does include eating, sleeping, exercising and such.  Take up new skills, do things you never did before to better yourself - not for her.  In addition, be reliable, responsible, and respectful in whatever you do.  These are the qualities I wanted people to see in me and especially my kids.  I am the one they go to when they need something important done.

The second bit of advice in hindsight would have been the right thing to do but I was slow to get there.  I am not saying this caused my pending divorce but it definitely didn't help the case.  I was told that I needed to detach from whatever she was doing because there was nothing I could do about it.  I think Thunder and UM beat that into my head many times but it took a long time.  I would monkey-brain, spy and snoop, ask 1000 questions of her, etc.  In the end, fear is what drives us to do this and those things feed fear.  Try to let go and detach from what she is doing.  When I engaged, which I did many times, it made it worse.  She has to go through this and find her way back, you are the last person she wants to help her.

My D is pending and we will soon be over but there are many others that have reconciled.  The important thing for me was to do everything I could possibly do to work on myself and the marriage so that 5 years from now I can look back and say I tried 120%. 

Don't worry about mistakes, we all make them.  Keep posting to let it out.

Married 19 / Together 24
Divorced 2018
ME51
eW47
D17, D16, S13

BD Feb 2017 - ILYBINILWY, Scam/Emotional affair

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #23 on: July 31, 2018, 02:20:01 PM »
Thank you for your kind words Stedroy.

Good advice.  Since this started I’ve been in counselling to work on various long term issues, no joy yet, but I do recognise that there are things I need to change about me, for me.  In terms of other work, I’m kind of in limbo at the moment, until I can move out.  I want to pick up an old hobby and maybe start a new one, but until I’ve moved out and got me and the girls settled, I don’t feel I can really pick anything up yet.   

On my relationship with W, I’ve long ago stopped asking questions.  It’s been over 5 months since we had any sort of real relationship talk, and since then most conversation has been polite, civil and brief.   However, Monkey braining and snooping I’ve been less successful at stopping.  I have though kept my thoughts to myself.  I’ve avoided engaging where possible.  I only hope when I move out some of the monkey braining and the opportunity for snooping stops.  I know until it does, I’ve not properly let go and detached.  While I’m under the same roof though, I’m finding it near impossible to do so, and really rather painful to be so near her.  This woman I’ve been so close to for so long, is now a stranger to me. 

Anyway, some brief bits of journaling tonight. Had a calm and normal talk with W about me moving out (the kind of normal that freaks you out as there should be some emotion there).  W says she wants to tell the girls sooner rather than later, even before I have a confirmed date to move out because ‘they kept asking on the holiday whether I would be on the next holiday with them”. Well duh?  I’m their dad, what do you think they would say?!  She has no idea what she’s going to do to them. Makes my blood boil.

We have got a holiday booked for October (booked last year before all this started) but she then mentions in the same conversation that’s she’s going to sort that out next month (I assume that means take me off the booking).  Again, no emotion.  No remorse. No regret.  She assumes she’s going and taking the girls.  Makes me so angry, but I didn’t say anything. 

On a lighter note, I notice she’s bought herself some more jewellery, got herself booked in to have her nails done (again) on Thursday and has been texting away all evening.  She also nipped out to buy some instant coffee, which I’m pretty sure is OMs brand.  So pretty much MLC script all evening.  Doesn’t make the rest of it any less painful.  Indeed, feeling rather angry atm.  Just want to scream. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #24 on: July 31, 2018, 02:44:58 PM »
How about she takes herself off the October holiday? Just saying, fair is fair.

Sorry I'm late to the Birthday party. Happy Birthday, Moon. Many happy returns!

Make sure you let your girls know you don't want to move out, you wish you could stay with them. It's my considered opinion that they need to know this isn't your idea, you are not ok with it, and you are not leaving them. So many times I hear"kids shouldn't have to deal with adult issues." But guess what? One parent goes MLC the kids are going to be dealing with adult issues. Make it age appropriate and all, buT they need to know YOU are in their corner.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #25 on: July 31, 2018, 03:05:28 PM »
Thank you OffRoad, and thanks for the birthday wishes. 

Firstly, on the holiday I’m getting a strong sense of MLCer entitlement from her about it.  Her mum and stepdad are also on the holiday.  But I went with the Stepdad on the holiday we had booked in March. 

On telling the girls, I’ll let W do the talking.  I’m not lying to them though.  It’s not what I want at all.  However, W and I have agreed that the first night I move out I will have the girls with me in my new house, so they don’t think I’m leaving them.  After that, I’ve had more than one person, who knows what’s going on, tell me that I’ll have the girls with me more often than I think.  Given her addiction to work and going out at least one night a week, I think (hope) that proves to be right.  Thats  what worry’s me most, not seeing the girls regularly. And I think that will hurt them as well. I have plans though for things we can do together, something W is conspicuously not doing, despite all the toys and clothes she’s buying them atm. 

“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #26 on: August 02, 2018, 02:05:18 AM »
Any advice or help really appreciated but I’m in a low place this morning.

I’ve been feeling pretty low that last couple of days.  Stuck waiting for movement on the house purchase and stuck working at home.  The latter, of course, means more exposure to W.  Things between us have been fine - polite and civil.  So no problems there, yet (she’s of to see her bank this morning to try to find a solution to the house problem). 

Anyway, and I know you’re going to tell me to stop it (and your quite right) but as most LBSs know, sometimes snooping is too hard to stop.  As usual her phone is pinging away all hours.  This morning, she’s leaves it upstairs while she has breakfast.  First ping about 8:30 is from some man I’ve never heard of before.  Only first name / last name is displayed on screen (can’t see the message).  A quick google search shows he’s someone from her work.  And been there 4 or so years.  I’ve never heard of him though, and what’s he doing texting a private (ie not her work)phone that early in the morning?

About two minutes later, W receives a iMessage.  Again I can’t see the message, but the first name of the sender is shown.  It’s OMs first name.  Might not be him of course, she does know a couple of men with the same first name.  But at that time in the morning?

So many questions now rattling around my mind.  Is there another OM? Have things not progressed or fizzled out with OM and she’s looking elsewhere?  Or is this just monkey braining by me and I’m reading far too much into everything?    Aaggghhhh!

Views, advice, comments, 2x4s all welcome.  Was feeling in a very low place this morning, before the messages. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #27 on: August 02, 2018, 02:26:14 AM »
Snooping.......

The conversation goes as follows.....

Moon:    "Doctor, it really hurts when I stick this fork in my eye....."
Doctor:  "Well then Moon... STOP STICKING THE FREAKING FORK IN YOUR EYE!"

to snooping...

Let's be honest... What DIFFERENCE does it make? Your W is off in Lala Land. If it is not this OM, it would be another one. Until she hits the bottom, until she deals with and comes to terms with the demons from her past that have a grip on her, NOTHING will change in her life... But you can not do this for her. You can not control it, you can not force it.... This is something that SHE has to do, all on her own...

In the mean time, YOU do YOUR healing, YOUR work, and get YOUR ducks in a row...

and, by all that is holy, STOP STICKING THE FORK IN YOUR EYE!
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #28 on: August 02, 2018, 02:36:10 AM »
As a fork in the eye survivor albeit in my case with anonymous notes, Moon, UM is right.
How does it serve you?
There's a point when we need to know so we know what the situation really is and what - if anything - we can do or for legal evidence.
There's a point when we snoop because they are lying but our gut is shouting so loudly so we do it for our sanity.
There's a point perhaps when we do it from disbelief...almost to remind ourselves that yes, this is real.

Do you know enough now?
Would more 'evidence' help or change your choices now?

If the answer is that you know enough, please stop looking. See it as self-care for your mind and snooping like having one more drink or cigarette.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #29 on: August 02, 2018, 04:40:33 AM »
Moon
I think I was #1 at snooping. Even climbed on a ladder to look in a window. Yeah, I know.  I was weak.
But the snooping only causes more pain my friend. I know, I did it.
Moon the best thing I ever did that helped me on snooping and OM issue. I knew it. Didnt want to believe it, but I knew.
So I got up every morning. Said too myself in the mirror, Yep she's still sleeping with OM. Hell, they can't hurt me any worse. I probably said that for months after they had quit. But it helped me to just start the day out as it was. No wondering of are they? Or not?

 

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