Author Topic: My Story My second thread: A new home  (Read 5681 times)

Online Rosetintedglasses

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My Story Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #90 on: October 02, 2018, 03:15:36 PM »
That’s it precisely Treasur.  I miss my family. D4 had her first ride on a beach donkey at the weekend.  You should have seen her face.  I had no one to share that moment with, and that was so hard to take.  Do they ever come back, and become more like the person you once knew?  Or should I just accept it’s over, and i’ll never have those type of memories with my family again?  A friend of mine tells me I should accept the W I knew is gone for good and move on. My eldest sister believes W will be back in 3 months!

Moon

MLC is usually classed as a temporary crisis so keep hope in your heart. The twists and turns and time all have a factor but it is usually said that the LBS ultimately has the decision on the outcome. There are reconciliation stories on here, have you read them? You’ll need patience though, and probably a little bit of luck so look out for it!

Rose 🌹

Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #91 on: October 10, 2018, 04:14:35 AM »
MLC is usually classed as a temporary crisis so keep hope in your heart. T<...snip...>
Rose 🌹

With "temporary" meaning anywhere between a couple of years and  a couple of decades...

Live like they are not coming back. If they do, THEN you can decide what to do...
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #92 on: October 22, 2018, 12:06:30 PM »
Thanks Treasur, RoseTG, UM
I have seen some of the reconciliation threads on here.  DefJens threads made for really great reading, but then I read a lot more threads where reconciliation hasn’t happened.  Anyway, just a few updates from me and a question. 

First, the bad news, W has changed all the locks on our old house.  No explanation or nothing.  Front door, back door and back gate, all changed.  How do I know, because I’ve been invited round now a couple of times.  It was D4s birthday the other week, so I went round there and we helped do her a party at a nearby hall.  It was like old times, working together as a team. She even let me drive the family car briefly, which she has usually guarded jealousy.  And she’s  even come round to mine a couple of times after I’ve invited her round for tea.  I mainly let her talk, and there has been no relationship talk, but otherwise we’ve been getting on ok.  She’s taken the girls away for a weeks holiday now, so that’s tough. 

A couple of odd things to note: her memory seems to be getting worse.  She took a cake knife to the party to cut the cake.  My mum saw her pack it away but she texts me when we get home to say we must have left it behind.  I agree to phone the place up the next day to see if they can find it, but it turns out she’d unpacked it and put it away, but forgot she had done so!   The other thing, I had the girls for three nights before she took them on holiday.  After two nights she rings up, I can tell she’s upset, asking to see the girls.  I say yes and she comes round for half an hour for a cup of tea.  As I say tho, she’d only not seen them for less than two days. It worries me a bit.  Clearly she misses them , and maybe it’s good she is facing some of the consequences of her actions, but it worries me in case she decides she can’t do without them and tries to cut me more out of their lives.  That’s what scares me most. 

Anyway, my question, I’m being nice and calm with W.  Not showing any anger, not asking any questions, not applying any pressure, being civil and asking her round for meals and doing my fair share with the girls, etc But where do you draw the line between ‘paving the way’ and letting them cake eat?  Or am I getting paving the way wrong?  As ever, views welcome?
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #93 on: October 24, 2018, 08:12:50 AM »
STBXW plays the same sort of Sob Story with our D as well... With S, she is more than willing for me to have him with me as much as possible.. This mirrors her parents D where the girls stayed with MIL and the boy went with MLCFIL(RIP).

Just stick to the times that you have arranged. She can come and see them if it is OK for you but you have your parenting time and she has hers. Part of the consequences of her going off the rails... She's going to be lonely some times....
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #94 on: October 24, 2018, 08:21:38 AM »
As UM says, your w will need to learn that this is what breaking your family up looks like practically. By all means be civil, but please don't flip flop yourself into a pretzel changing the kids' schedule as actually you need to put them first, you second and your w at best third.

And I wouldn't worry about the locks unless there is a burning practical reason why you should or you need to arrange to get some of your stuff out of the house still - presumably your w does not have a key to your place
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #95 on: November 26, 2018, 03:33:18 PM »
No update for a month now.  Apologies.  It seems to have flown by.  It seems to be two steps forward and two steps back. Treasur, W doesn’t have a key to my place.  I did offer one in exchange for keeping a key to hers.  She just changed the locks instead.

W came round the other week.  I had the girls that weekend, she’d been on a spa break with the toxic best friend, but she wanted to talk when she picked the girls up.  Turns out she was worrying the girls wanted to be with me more than her.  I told her they wanted to be with both of us.  She said she had admitted to D5 that she missed me sometimes.  She actually cried and I had to give her a hug.  She apologised for bringing this to me and crying in front of me.  I listened without saying much, tempting as it was to point out the obvious.  I said I was there if she wanted to talk.   

The following weekend , it’s her turn to have the girls. She actually asks me around to help rearrange D7s bedroom and then asks me to come for tea that evening.  Afterwards I get the girls to bed, like old times, but I leave more or less afterwards.  She actually gave me a kiss on the cheek as I left.  Things are seeming ok between us.  We seem to be exchanging messages (about the girls) daily.  We’ve organised D7 birthday between us.  Then tonight she mentions that we need to talk about Xmas.  The inference is that, while I’ll be there Xmas morning to be there when the girls open their presents I won’t be there for lunch with them.  That really chokes me up.  I hadn’t really thought about it, and not being with them all Xmas day really upsets me.  I thought I was passed that but guess not. 

It’s hard to detach when you’re seeing or messaging them at least every other day.  Is this what it’s going to be like from now on?  And I think Xmas is going to be really tough, especially not to be with the girls all the holidays. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #96 on: November 27, 2018, 06:47:45 AM »
Quote from: The Moon's A Balloon
And I think Xmas is going to be really tough, especially not to be with the girls all the holidays.

Uhhhmmmmmm .... Why are the girls not going to be with you all the holidays? W doesn't get automatic dibs on everything.... If you are sharing custody, the holidays should be shared as well...
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #97 on: November 27, 2018, 02:28:01 PM »
They’ll be with me some of the time I’m sure UM.  But I won’t see them everyday as I have for every year of their lives so far.  That will be the hardest part.
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #98 on: November 28, 2018, 07:06:10 AM »
They’ll be with me some of the time I’m sure UM.  But I won’t see them everyday as I have for every year of their lives so far.  That will be the hardest part.

Yep, that it is..... Been there, done that... On the flip side, STBXW doesn't have them every day anymore either....
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #99 on: November 30, 2018, 05:48:42 PM »
Absolutely UM.  And I think sometimes W realises that as well.  But even when she has them, it doesn’t stop her social life.  But when I have them she misses them ‘so much’.  There’s one solution to this, but she can’t bring herself to face it yet.  What did her brother say to me the other day? ‘She’s as thick as sh*t sometimes’.  I’m beginning to doubt now whether I would ever want her back, if the choice ever came, I feel so angry towards her sometimes. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

 

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