Author Topic: My Story My second thread: A new home  (Read 5680 times)

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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My Story Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #30 on: August 02, 2018, 02:29:46 PM »
Thank you UM, Treasur and Helping
It almost becomes addictive doesn’t it? I will try to stop. Part of it though is, having had 14 years knowing mostly where she is and what’s she doing, to suddenly go the complete opposite and know little of what she does or who she sees is so painful.  For example, she’s asked me to have the girls all Saturday as she’s going out.  No hint of where, but an all dayer is a first.    I guess though, rather than looking for something, I’m hoping not to see something (any sign of OM) to stop the monkey braining, but then you do see something and.....     

As you say, it serves no purpose though.  I suspect in W’s mind, we are separated so there is no cheating going on.  And I suppose I should see it as evidence that she’s still deep in replay, and therefore still very much in crisis and very much out of reach atm.

Anyway, some other news tonight.  W and I had a long, polite and amicable conversation (with just the slightest hint of emotion) about the house move.  It looks like we might have found a solution that enables me to move out quickly.  Of real interest was that her solicitors has bought up divorce as the easiest route out (as mine had done last week).  I had mentioned that last week to her, but W never responded.  She asked me tonight whether I wanted to divorce, as I had mentioned it.  I said no.  I asked her, and she said it wasn’t even on her radar until I and her solicitors had mentioned it.  I think she was relieved there was another way round the house problem without having to resort to a divorce.  I said though, that I accepted she wanted her space at this moment and she agreed.  Not sure whether to read too much into this though, if anything.  I would hope it’s a positive though.  I’m sure UM will probably reply with a clip of a women eating a large cake  :)
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #31 on: August 02, 2018, 03:05:07 PM »
Don't encourage him.....

The OP are tough. Mine didn’t have one but I would not have been able to be in the same house if he had.  And I would have snooper until I bad proven he was with someone or not, as that was a line for me.  But since it doesn't appear to be a line for you, snooping gains you nothing.

Having you move out while she gets to stay in the house with the girls? Who wouldn't love that? As long as it isn't financially disadvantageous to you, and it helps you, fine.  Just make sure you are not doing something agains your best interests.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #32 on: August 03, 2018, 05:52:28 AM »
Thanks OffRoad
The thing with my W’s OM, is I’m just not sure what their relationship is.  I fear it is now physical, but when I discovered it back in February, he was giving it the just good friends / not ready for a relationship line.  But either way, I don’t suppose it alters the fact that W regards me and her as separated and, for the moment only hopefully she has moved on, so no, snooping probably doesn’t help much. 

In terms of me moving out, it will help me heal and GAL certainly.  We’ve agreed to joint custody for the girls (she gave me that very easily, no arguments) and I should get my fair share from the house should she ever decide to sell. 

Any views from anyone on my W’s reluctance to talk divorce? Should it be seen as a positive sign or is it just cake eating (and doesn’t mean much either way)?
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline Stedroy

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #33 on: August 03, 2018, 06:42:18 AM »
The fact that you want to remain married and try to work through it is why you are monkey braining about her going out.  In her mind, she has got it great right now - a place to sleep, eat, relax without any responsibility.  This is a good thing for her so why change?  I think if you look at this and it benefits you then keep doing it, but don't make it easy on her.  I think that was my mistake for a long time.

My STBXW only talked about divorce early on.  She is low energy MLCer and does not do anything unless pressured.  In addition, she was able to act single but have all the benefits of being married.  I finally had enough and began the process.  It was a tough decision but she made it easier with her actions.
Married 19 / Together 24
Divorced 2018
ME51
eW47
D17, D16, S13

BD Feb 2017 - ILYBINILWY, Scam/Emotional affair

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #34 on: August 03, 2018, 07:52:00 AM »
Thanks Stedroy
I think it’s certainly true I’ve not successfully detached yet. I’m hoping moving out will help that.  In terms of W, I don’t think she quite realises what me moving out will mean to her.  Even the MIL has said she doesn’t think W realises how difficult it will be to run this house and look after the girls on her own.  I suspect though that is one reason why she offered me joint custody so easily.  She’ll get to play doting Mum half the time and then single teenager the other. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline Stedroy

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #35 on: August 03, 2018, 09:48:42 AM »
The important thing is to be the stable reliable parent.  The kids will learn this through your actions and you will build a strong relationship with them.
Married 19 / Together 24
Divorced 2018
ME51
eW47
D17, D16, S13

BD Feb 2017 - ILYBINILWY, Scam/Emotional affair

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #36 on: August 03, 2018, 03:10:43 PM »
I hope I’ve probably bonded more with my girls over the last six months than I have before.  I hope I can continue that.  W isn’t ignoring them, but clearly she has other priorities.  Tonight, for example, she asks me to pick them up from nursery, as she’ll be busy at work.  A quick detour on the way back home though (I know, I know, no snooping, fork in the eye, ouch,) shows her/our car outside his house.  So she gave up possible time with the girls to be with him.  So yes, I’m aiming to be the parent that the girls can rely on.  W clearly still deep in replay. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Online Treasur

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #37 on: August 03, 2018, 11:34:46 PM »
yup, remove fork from eye  :)

i suspect your W's plan is that when you move out/or she does, she'll do exactly the same as this - call and you'll fill in. You probably need to muse on some 'operating rules' for your time/her time with the kids?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline The Moon’s a balloonTopic starter

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #38 on: August 04, 2018, 01:18:49 AM »
I think that’s right Treasur.  I suspect though, if it’s not me she asks, or I say no, it will be MIL she goes to instead (or indeed first).  But if she does ask me, am I going to be able to say no to spending more time with my girls?  My fear is that I won’t see them enough. And as I say, I want to be the one, if I can, the provides the stability.   

I also fear what plans she has for involving OM in their lives.  I’m pretty sure D4 has met him, and on the calendar there is a ‘works day out’ in a couple of weeks which it looks like she’s taking both girls to.  I would be amazed if OM isn’t there. 
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

Offline Blueblood

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Re: My second thread: A new home
« Reply #39 on: August 04, 2018, 04:16:52 PM »
Hi Moon,

Had a quick run through on your thread

I've been out of the UK for a week cycling - 35 hours on a bike doing nothing but think.

It has slowly become apparent that our W care not a jot for our welfare, we are nothing to them until we become important to their selfish survival (whatever that may be). Maybe they awaken for a moment but that is all GAL is the thing to do - in fact as our friends say move on.

The reality to me - so IMHO our spouses need to prove themselves again and I therefore am no longer wasting any more time on their craziness. Let them go fully. Don't give her a soft lading she doesn't deserve it.

Blue
M 15 @ BD
Me 50 W 45
D15 D13 D9 S9
BD1 Nov16 (not happy), BD2 May17 ILYBNILWY
PA yes

 

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