[1trouble]

Ausgatorgirl

My vanisher, through his lawyer has sent me divorce papers that say we mutually agree to the divorce. All stamped and I only have to sign in front of JP so they can electronically lodge and it will be over in 6-8 weeks. Although the outcome is the same, I want him to file solo so need some help in formulating some words. I found some of these words on CL.

My last chance to say anything.

“If H wanted us to “mutually agreed to end our marriage” then the reality would be that it was a joint decision from the start. Cheating is a unilateral act. In his own words “ive been sleeping with many, many, many women and I’ve fallen in love with two of them”.

I can’t stop H from ending our marriage after 34 years but I will not participate in the process. I believe the reason stated in his application should be his infidelity.

The right thing is often the hardest.  H has lost the love and respect of the people who loved him the most. He will never regain either of those things again. It will be years before he realizes how much he has lost, and what is really important in life.”

Any thoughts?

My H did the same thing as yours and led his solicitor to believe there had been some 'agreement' between us about me divorcing him for adultery!! when we had no discussions then or since......as Heartsblessings said they wont even say the word D let alone discuss it .....!

I refused to acknowledge the OW...I didnt contest the D because in the UK it costs £1,000's but I said I would not agree to D for adultery...…...of course (like Treasure's) that meant he had to divorce me for unreasonable behaviour......….or wait 2 years/5 years....

So he (OW) went for unreasonable behaviour...…….with some very ridiculous claims....we didn't go to bed at the same time!! and I worked too hard!!


BUT for me I felt it was important the OW (who I believe is a BPD or sociopath) didn't have any sort of role that would make her feel important & I wanted my MLC'er to remember (if he ever is sane) that it was him and him alone that drove the D and ended a good marriage....


But that was me....and I was 'lucky' because OW (I think) was not very confident in some ways and didn't want to take me on.....and my MLC'er did have history with his mum having to sell up and leave the family home after his dad left......so he didn't want to reinvent history and have me lose my 'home' as he had, as a child.


Now I would counsel anyone in the same situation as this...………

If you can afford to have principles stick to them.

However remember that in MLC all bets are off and you need to think of the long game....you have to protect your own situation and future.....don't think whats right for them...the time for thinking as a 'couple' is gone... (for now anyway)


Fight for financial stability for yourself and your children (if you have them)…..forget your pride because as they say 'pride comes before a fall'

What will give you small comfort is if you are secure.....financially that is...if you manage to maintain your home...or if you have enough money...or retirement fund..

Because your MLC'er isn't thinking of any of this, they are living for today, they will be for a long time and they wont be thinking of the consequences of their actions either and in many cases (like mine) they are fully under the influence of the AP (who basically thinks of themselves always)

So no matter how much it hurts and how much it seems so alien, for now, maybe a long time and maybe forever...........you have to learn to think about you and if you have them, your children..

Believe me, you will be very grateful, as will your children you follow this advice....and maybe even your MLC'er when they come through this

[Thunder]

I get so confused over your laws.

We don't have the option of "Infidelity" or "Unreasonable behavior" it's just a No Fault divorce here.
Which is ridiculous, there is always fault.

I personally, if my H had committed Infidelity, that would be on the divorce papers, as the reason.  In bold letters.
Let both of them live with the real reason my H divorced me.  Name her if you have to.
Let them both wear the shame.

Why wouldn't you?  It's the truth and the reason.
Guess I'm not understanding.  If I was not unreasonable why would I want that on the record as the reason??

[Ausgatorgirl]

Thanks 1T, financials are done already and I am happy with the result. It’s the principal. I will stew on it for awhile and decide later.

Thanks all, yes the outcome will be the same but I need to be able to say H divorced me, not mutually agreed. I think I would have been happy to sign if he hadn’t vanished and had man’ed up. But he is so weak, not the person I used to know. Same old story unfortunately.

[nah]

Why wouldn't you?  It's the truth and the reason.
Guess I'm not understanding.  If I was not unreasonable why would I want that on the record as the reason??

Time and money... you have to prove it.

[Ready2Transform]

Why wouldn't you?  It's the truth and the reason.
Guess I'm not understanding.  If I was not unreasonable why would I want that on the record as the reason??

Time and money... you have to prove it.

And in the end, it won't make a difference in most locales as to what you get in the settlement. My attorney said I could respond with adultery, but in our county it's not considered in the judgment. The paperwork is public record, but who really looks at it? Nobody. Not even my ex and I. Put your energy into your life, I say.

[Rising Phoenix]

My h tried to divorce me for unreasonable behaviour. After the shock of divorce papers and I re read them it’s laughable what he put as my unreasonable behaviour! I went to lunch with his sister without his permission. It was pathetic and a lie so I cross petitioned as I was settling for unreasonable behaviour and I certainly wasn’t paying for it as he had put in the divorce! His adultery but not a mention! I damn sure wasn’t paying for that. I cross petitioned with his unreasonable behaviour of continuing a relationship with a third part called ********. It was basically adultery without filing adultery as hard to prove even when you have black and white evidence! He lives with her ffs and she calls him her other half twin flame!

He caved just before court and went for 2 yr separation even though technically not 2 yr separation with his returns but he would pay so I went with it.

I could of just signed and not agreed but I knew it would eat me alive.  It’s a personal choice but also be aware that although mine caved as i knew 90%. he would as I know him , there was that chance he might not of with influence of ow. Xx

[Bewildered survivor]

My H said that I could file D for his adultery.  But then becasue he got angry that the girls didnt want to meet OW and some major pushing from OW he filed on my unreasonable behaviour.  This was done in a completely underhanded way and my solicitor was not happy at all. The reasons on the petition were laughable.  I gave it a lot of thought and didn’t think it was worth the money, time or stress to cross petition.  So I accepted it.  A part of me wishes I hadn’t but I am ok with that decision.
I believe that its just a piece of paper.  Everyone knows that he left us for OW- including himself, despite completely denying it.  In my correspondence back I stated that I am not in agreement with the reasons he has stated but am not going to defend it.

With all the legal stuff Ive been through....what it said on the petition is the least of my worries.  Divorce is divorce....right now whats more important is getting full custody of my children and a reasonable financial settlement to secure a future for my girls.

I never wanted a D and still dont.  But I knew with the high energy MLCer my H is and the destruction he is causing...it was inevitable for protection.

Its just a piece of paper that no one else will see.  People can see he is living with OW and its his fault. Also with him filing and not me, it put the responsibility of ending the marriage on his shoulders and not mine and without acknowledging or giving OW the attention and power.  Its the same with his decision to move out.  I made it clear to him that I am not asking him to leave, he is choosing to leave himself.  I saw major monster behaviour as a result as he did not like it at all....it enraged him as he was trying so hard to convince himself, me and everyone else that he had no choice but to leave once the decision was made to seperate (his decision made without me  ) and that he had no choice becasue I made him so unhappy and he couldnt live with me!  He was desperate for me to kick him out.  Which later on I had to do- ask him to leave the house, change the locks etc which he then used to justify his actions to everyone. 

So my take on it is....dont waste money or effort for principles.  Its just a piece of paper that no one will look at.  MLCer had no value for the marriage certificate as a piece of paper either.  Its their divorce so let them get on with it. 

[Rising Phoenix]

I agree mitten, the only reason I cross petitioned was because he wanted me to pay for it. I was unhappy he fabricated reasons but if he had declared he would pay or just started out with 2 yr separation and pay for it, I would of gone along with it.

I believe ow wanted me to suffer because she believes all his lies about how terrible I was to him. She didn’t see why her perfect other half should pay for all the abuse he has suffered from his terrible wife who did everything for him, cared for him etc, I could go on.

All his family and friends know he has created this mess. My sil at the weekend said.” I know he is my brother but he doesn’t take responsibility for his actions and it’s always someone else’s fault. He is an ar^***>hole” yep!!

Ow has won, she can have him, I don’t want that man he is now. She thinks she has won but I have really as I don’t need or want  the man he has become.
Xx

[Bewildered survivor]

Ah I see...my H was so desperate for the D (or OW was) that he filed but offered to pay. I would have fought it to if I had to pay for him filing on made up and exaggerated reasons.

Your lucky his family are supporting you and can see through him. My in laws esp SIL were the same for the first few months but since have withdrawn their support. H was very angry they were supporting me so he manipulated and lied to put a stop to it...as a result it’s the kids that suffer.

Ow has won

OW has not won as he is not a prize right now! Like you say she can have him.

[nah]

So my take on it is....dont waste money or effort for principles.  Its just a piece of paper that no one will look at. 

Agreed, especially if it's going to cost you money.

Even though I filed for "irreconcilable differences", I refused to say our marriage couldn't be reconciled. I was able to say on the stand that our marriage couldn't be reconciled THAT day.