[Nas]

I've forgotten, when your H asked how your treatment is going, did you answer him? I know he didn't word in the best way, but I sense he was trying. It's always up to you of course, but if you are standing and your H does try to communicate, even if in a childish way, I would communicate back otherwise he feels judged (and rightly so!), however judgement and guilt makes them withdraw. If he felt comfortable with your answer, he might try it again.

This was how the communication went:
H: Didn't know you were still at [brother's]
Me: Not by choice. I'm on my like 10 millionth round of chemo.
Me: Maybe 11 millionth. I've lost count. ha
H: I'm sure. Will you tell me how it is going, what they are saying...anything?
Me: It's not good right now. That's why I don't say anything.
Me: I had testing all day today. We had to stop treatment again this week
H:  I'm sorry, N.
I didn't respond.
45 minutes later
H: Keep fighting!

I replied two hours later
Me: Trying
H: I have no doubt!

And that's how it ended and he vanished again. 

[Ready2Transform]

He's not going to get rid of the collar, and you have texts where he has committed to sending it, so another option is to request it in the divorce based on him already saying he would send it. A court order would motivate him. It's what I've done with the guitar issue in my own settlement agreement, because otherwise, I'm going to get promises unfulfilled forever.

[Rising Phoenix]

Nas I cud be wrong but to me I would love will you keep me informed.
Again I cud be wrong as I’m uaually wrong in my own situation but I see a possible open door to communication. Perhaps this is the opportunity to continue to let him know how your treatment is going and see what comes back.

These men are stupid and sometimes we have to lead them to the water. That’s what I interpret but you know him better than anyone plus it is also how you feel emotionally as to the best way forward . Xx

[Nas]

Good idea, Ready.  I'll definitely be sure to write it into the agreement when I can finally afford to revisit the divorce stuff.

They really are foolish.  He offered me the ashes, the leash, toys, everything under the sun, and for a five-second period of time he probably meant it and was sincere, but then, poof, gone again.

Nas I cud be wrong but to me I would love will you keep me informed.

It would be something if he wanted to be kept informed, but that's not what he asked.  He just asked if I would tell him something about the situation at that moment. 

To be honest, even if he asked me to keep him updated going forward, I wouldn't.  I'd say no because he can't live with OW, live a completely new separate life that doesn't include me and expect me to do any work to send him updates and keep him in the loop on my life.  The only acceptable action would be if he just checked in periodically of his own accord, without any prodding from me or anyone else, and inquired how I'm doing.

[Ready2Transform]

Good idea, Ready.  I'll definitely be sure to write it into the agreement when I can finally afford to revisit the divorce stuff.

They really are foolish.  He offered me the ashes, the leash, toys, everything under the sun, and for a five-second period of time he probably meant it and was sincere, but then, poof, gone again.

Nas I cud be wrong but to me I would love will you keep me informed.

It would be something if he wanted to be kept informed, but that's not what he asked.  He just asked if I would tell him something about the situation at that moment. 

To be honest, even if he asked me to keep him updated going forward, I wouldn't.  I'd say no because he can't live with OW, live a completely new separate life that doesn't include me and expect me to do any work to send him updates and keep him in the loop on my life.  The only acceptable action would be if he just checked in periodically of his own accord, without any prodding from me or anyone else, and inquired how I'm doing.

Boom. You got this.

[nah]

Clanishers of the Vanishers... 

We get so little from them,... sometimes nothing at all, but if they do give us a tiny little speck,

Are we guilty of overanalyzing that speck to death?

Years ago The Leaver wrote to me (buried in other things b/c we were texting back and forth about financials) that I was "lucky to enjoy the fruits of his labor"...

That tiny little comment drove me mad for years... I'm not kidding, for years.  We BOTH worked our @sses off, he was just as lucky, if not more lucky, to enjoy the fruits of my labor.  That d!ck, I churned around night over night monkey-braining for years over that one tiny comment.  Now, if we were still married, and he made a bone-head comment (as spouses tend to do), I would have sulked for a bit, then I would have brought it up.  We would have discussed it and it would end up being forgotten as a momentary lapse of judgement.

Since he is gone, I just sat and sulked, and sulked, and sulked... and never got the opportunity to discuss.  Who was that hurting? 

So, finally years later, with that comment sitting inside me like a lead weight,... we finally had a talk.  That one talk on the phone I always discuss on here (you know, him feeling like he is living someone else's life and vomiting every morning), before his confession, I brought up the comment he made years ago about me being lucky to enjoy the fruits of his labor....

Silence on the other end, finally...

"I said that?"

Ugh... he didn't even remember writing those words?  Of course he didn't.  Like I said, those words were buried in a heated discussion about who was going to pay for the kids phones, or something like that.  You know what?  I don't even remember one tiny bit of what we discussed that day except that one comment.  It's not a "fog", it's just the normal way the brain works, we only remember what is important to us.  It was an off the cuff comment that meant nothing to him and everything to me.

So I replied...

"Yes, I remember word for word like it was yesterday"

He apologized,...

"If you said I wrote that, then I believe you, I'm sorry... You always worked very hard and we were all lucky to have you."

Sometimes they say things they don't mean and we let it eat at us... for years.

Why do we waste so much time worrying about what THEY think?  I knew I worked hard, I knew my worth.  Yet I let that one comment eat away at me.  What a waste of lost sleep.

[Nas]

I know for me, I over-analyze because I feel like such a colossal failure, so I go over and over not just his words, but everything - everything he said, everything I said, every choice I made, every choice I didn't make. 

[Rising Phoenix]

Me too nas. They say it takes half the time you with with someone to get over them. Wtf I have 11 yrs left!! 😂😂

[Shocked]

Nah that was a lovely post. The stage I’m in now is I don’t want to give him anymore head space  but to learn from this awful situation I find myself in. Living in the "how the heck did I not see this coming and how the heck do I quit being tied emotionally to the fallout?”
My hope staying with this illustrious group of Clan of the Van is for helpful hints on how to let go of this very sticky hurt that broke my heart! 🤗

[Rising Phoenix]

For me I find I think about it all as soon as I wake up, it’s on my mind when I go to bed. I have conversation in my head that I would like ranging from why, to you low life piece of sh!te. I think about it all at lunch times and after tea when the kids are upstairs. The only reason it’s out of my head at work is that I’m too busy.
In the uk I’m watxhing a programme called faith whose husband has vanished, not for mlc but you see the carrying on and then the sudden crying after bomb drop. At one point the main character was staring in to space and my daughter said you do that mum.
It’s when you pack a lunch and it falls out the fridge all over the floor and you burst into tears thinking how did my life become this.
I find anger days better as I get on with my life as some days the motivation to do things just isn’t there. Xx