[nah]

Me too nas. They say it takes half the time you with with someone to get over them. Wtf I have 11 yrs left!! 😂😂

Aw Man, that was another thing I spent hours and hours and hours researching... timelines and statistics.

Mostly MLC timelines,... just how long was it going to take for him to "wake up"?  And what are the statistics of how many come back? (hint.., there are no reliable statistics, believe me, I checked a million times). And how long until I didn't feel like a brick was sitting inside my chest?  How long until I can breath normally again, or go to the grocery store without fear of another panic attack?

Timelines and statistics are sh!t b/c nothing out there was about me (or him), it's really just an individual thing.

You know what still bugs me?  All the inspirational quotes about it being our choice to be happy.  Sure, it is our choice BUT.... give me a break.

Those "it's a choice to be happy" quotes are missing years of what it takes to get there after a major blow to our lives.  I say,...

It's okay to spend some time wallowing, it's normal, it's a process, and if you skip it, it will come back to bite you later.

It's okay to kick, scream, cry, punch, get drunk, curl up on the floor and curse the world, again and again and again, until you exhausted yourself.  Rest up a bit, and then do it again a million times.

It's not normal to just shrug your shoulders and "get over it" over night. 

That's what the vanishers seem to do, they just shrug their shoulders and start a shiny new life overnight, right?

Is that normal?  Is that what we want for ourselves?

Pfft... I would rather go through Hell now and get to the other side, instead of ignoring what happened and waiting for it to hit me like a sledgehammer later.

[Rising Phoenix]

I love reading your posts nah, you always make so much sense xx

[nah]

Thanks RP, but it’s just bc I’ve been through it.

It’s easier as time passes.

[heroIam]

I love reading your posts nah, you always make so much sense xx

I totally agree.
And, as you said in your earlier thread here nah, I also used to lose sleep over what he has said to me any time there was contact.  Any words from H would send me railing and I would monkey brain, make up my own stories about what he said, change it up, down, sideways, tear apart what he said bit by bit to analyze each syllable.  It was maddening......

Thank god I don't do that anymore.  Contact from him still gives my gut a bit of a turn, but not like it used to.  And I'm learning to not take anything personally and not go off writing my own novel about what he said.  LOL.

[Nas]

I don't analyze what he says now, but I'm still working on analyzing the garbage that was spewed at and just after BD, all the terrible things he said to and about me to justify his despicable behavior.  All the things he said to cut me down that he must have known were just the exact right things to say to hit me right in all my insecurities, because he knew them all.

[Shocked]

Another great description of what the pain is like that we went through Nah! Thanks for putting that in words. One of the biggest struggles I still deal with is the timeline. Almost every step of the first stages went exactly as the timeline anticipated. I thought well after replay of a couple of years there might be some change. After all so far MLC stayed on script. But in reading all the other threads and posts it does not seem the timeline stays on script. Very few reconcile. Mostly it’s just how the lbs coped and regrouped. Like Nah says choosing to be happy is a very tough road!!!! What you all think about the stages after replay?

[Anjae]

It is true it is our choice to be happy. It is also true it requires years of training, unless we have always been the no worries happy-go-lucky type. And even if we were, a blow like BD/MLC may set us back.

Meditation helps a lot. Again, meditation is a process and a progress. We are not buddhist monks training since we're children or in our early teens. Our lives are very different from buddhist monks ones, so, another hurdle to overcome. And buddhist monks have years, if not decades, of training.

But it is possible to reach a state of happiness after this mess. It will take time, a lot of time. There will be setbacks. Even when we get there, there will be less good days - the trick is to know the bad day(s)/moment is temporary and just ride it.

Get over it over night would be damaging. It wouldn't allow for proper growth and healing.

I no longer analyze anything. I did it long ago and it all happened in another lifetime.

[Treasur]

Tripped over this https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/whats-the-craic-with-ghosting-and-no-its-not-the-same-as-no-contact/
seems to me to be a pretty good Vanishing 101 reminder
including the core message that this was never about us and says nothing useful about us

any of this sound familiar with your spouse pre-BD or post?

[Mae]

Very good reminder Treasur.....and yes all too familiar.

The bit about being tested by the ghoster without knowing we were....not sure I was being subjected to that BUT Thunder posts her MLCer did that to her.

[heroIam]

Wow.  good article Treasur.  About sums it up for a vanisher.