[nah]

one could just as well make the rational argument that if it is easier for vanishers not to see our pain or the damage, it is because it is hard for them to see it...which means it distresses or bothers them somehow...which means in a weird way it does matter enough that it's easier for them to not do it    weird encouraging thought for the day though fwiw

Yes, I get exactly what you are saying.  I wrote something similar to that idea maybe about 10 threads back.  I'm not sure everyone got what I was saying...lol. Like you said, weird LBS logic.

It's like two different guys runs over their own dog with their car, then quickly replaces dying dog with a puppy.

One guy drives by dying dog daily and pets it to ease his guilt,
the other avoids even driving down that street as it's easier to pretend it never happened.

Does the "petter" love his dying dog more or less than the avoider?  Who knows?  It wasn't about the feelings before, during or after crushing the dog, it's just about how to ease their own guilt about what they did.

And what about the puppy?  Is the puppy better than the faithful dog that was crushed for no reason?

pfft...  sure puppies are cute and fun, but all they do is sh!t everywhere and whine all night.   

[Rising Phoenix]

H did say in the past it was easier at ow’s and quiet. Our kids are too noisy for him.

H now does fb when he was never interested and seems to be out a lot on his motorbike as ow has a motorbike. She learnt to ride a bike and started talking to him about it as a way to attract him I believe.

S15 checks up now and again via a friend as we are all blocked. Son found posts where h burnt his leg on his bike and a fellow biker posted hot stuff so h replied fighting them all off and ow replied fighting who off, have I got completion! No smiling emoji or laughing emoji. A fellow biker replied whoops and that ended the conversation. Ow may have been joking but it doesn’t look like it. There was also a pic where she was hanging into his arm and he just looked awkward. H also looked old and ill. Aged so much in 12 mths. Another biker page and h was tagged and he posted what a guy!

Seems that h is full of himself when never was before. Kids don’t discuss h much at all and say they have no father but I think that is the pain of being erased as they clearly like to try to see what he is up to. Well son does at least.

The abandonment seems to have spilled over into other aspects of the kids lives. D13 will get quite emotional and say that her friends have abandoned her and s15 is unhealthily attached to his girlfriend that if she doesn’t reply to a text he gets distraught and bombards her.

The after affects are massive. I wonder if kids of other vanishes experience this . Xx

[Rising Phoenix]

pfft...  sure puppies are cute and fun, but all they do is sh!t everywhere and whine all night.   

Thanks nah, that made me laugh 😂

[nah]

The after affects are massive. I wonder if kids of other vanishes experience this . Xx

My daughter vanished with my vanisher...

Both of our husbands will have to deal with the destruction they caused, even though the type of destruction is different.  I couldn't change it, so I let go.

[Rising Phoenix]

That’s awful nah, did she believe the vanisher? Did she vanish from your other children’s lives aswell? Xx

[Rising Phoenix]

I had a clinging boomerang for 3 yrs so perhaps I was plan b till he didn’t need a plan b anymore.


Whatever the reason, I know it was not about me and as nah said I can’t change it so let go. I tried so many times to change it, to get him to take an interest in his kids. He said he cherishes them but a man that can not even wish them merry xmas does not cherish them enough or at least that how the kids see it.

I no longer try. It’s not worth the rejection. Xx

[nah]

It’s a long story but she left a year after him. I believe his entire family were a big influence. She used to be very close to my mother and several of her cousins. She may see them about 2/3xs a year now even though she lives about 10 min away.

Very rarely talks to her brother, he said 3 times in four years.

Son 25. Daughter 28.

[Tyks]

Wow, it is amazing how I can read this stuff with more clarity two years in. If I had read this at bd I wouldn't have been able to get it.

I watched a YouTube video last night with Tony Robbins and everything that was going on with this married couple resonated with me. The more he worked with them the more both of them realized that they each felt insignificant in their own way, although the h started the conversation. I would absolutely love to be able to send this to my xh so that he can see that everything that he was feeling I was actually feeling too but we could have worked it out.

The bottom line is, he didn't want to work it out. He found someone new and decided that what we had wasn't worth it and I guess we could never get to a place where it would be. So sad.

I don't think that I am ever going to heal from this. I have a new relationship now since February and I now realize that my own childhood issues have been suppressed for the length of my marriage and are now creeping up on me. Back to ic I go BC obviously I cannot have a healthy relationship if I don't get past this MLC and my own childhood issues

[Anjae]

one could just as well make the rational argument that if it is easier for vanishers not to see our pain or the damage, it is because it is hard for them to see it...which means it distresses or bothers them somehow...which means in a weird way it does matter enough that it's easier for them to not do it    weird encouraging thought for the day though fwiw

It can be. Or it can be that real vanisher, the ones that really vanish, don't care. Or need to be away during their crisis. The good thing? With a vanisher we are spared the clinger and the clingy-boomerang drama.

Much better to have Mr J turned into a vanisher than when he was always around or in contatc. With him around/in contact there was no peace. There was zero I could do about his issues, so, I am much better without having to deal with him.

[nah]

 Or it can be that real vanisher, the ones that really vanish, don't care.

IDK, I feel if the vanisher was "meh" they could at least respond to messages.