Author Topic: My Story More Returns Than a Tennis Champ  (Read 1156 times)

Online Sam I Am

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My Story Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #10 on: August 07, 2018, 12:37:05 PM »
attaching
I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

When you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F/ PA become EA
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room  Reason:  Wasn't happy w/ F
6.22.18 announced he is moving to be with ow
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW over 14 hours away from home  Has an urge to be away from here and me/ EA once again a PA
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents?  He didn't tell me he is back./PA back to an EA again

Age:  51/50 @ BD
Married 33 years
Together 35.5 years
D - 1989 Married with 2 children
S -  1991  living across Country  - relies on us for support
3 Dogs - 1 was his 
Standing

Online Music45Topic starter

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Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #11 on: August 07, 2018, 04:54:30 PM »
Thanks everyone. Thanks Thunder, I haven't contacted him tonight despite really wanting to. I've learnt to wait and test my reactions before doing anything and the "if you don't know What to do, do nothing" is a good mantra.

Thanks 1trouble....you're so right. I've spent a long time trying to find a thread or story that matches my experience in the hope that, magically, all my questions will be answered. I know it's pointless as, while there are so so many similarities, every story is unique.

Good thoughts too about "Good returns" v ones doomed to failure. I never got from him, on any of his returns, a sense of his sorrow at the pain he's caused me and his kids. He actually said "I didn't ask for this" (e.g. MLC) and, at the time, I agreed and thought I understood.....now I realise that it was just all about him...still. "Poor me" so, if the time comes and I hear sorrow at the trail of hurt he left behind, I'll take that as some sort of progress.

Thank you for your insights.

Talked to S26 tonight. Huge frustrations with his Dad. S is a sensitive soul and picks up on "disturbances in the force"!!! I've tried to help him understand that he's not dealing with a logical Dad right now so, look at it like his behaviours and weird moods are a suit of terrible clothes...They're what Dad is wanting to show you and the world right now but they're not him. Separate what he does/says from who he is. Loving Dad does not mean you have to love the dodgy fashion choices!

Thanks again everyone. Feel much less alone tonight. Bless you for that.

X
Me: 50
H: 50
S:26 D:19 [both his but live with us]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Offline Mae

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Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #12 on: August 07, 2018, 05:25:34 PM »
Hi Music,

I had written up a response complete with all sorts of tennis analogies and then lost it in the website changeover.....oh well!

Love what 1T has written has some great tips on what to look for in a returnee.

I've suffered through a few returns myself......but this time I've dropped the racquet and left the court after realising he wasn't coming back from his water break.

I've never really seen what true remorse looks like from mine either, he's promised to deliver many times, but always manages to hit the ball into the net from my serve.

Sometimes I think that kids see the situation so much clearer than we do. I've learnt to stop trying to explain, or interpret what my H is going through, or thinks/feels etc to my kids. They have their own opinion and relationship with him and see him in a different light to me.

You are doing well!
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #13 on: August 07, 2018, 11:35:21 PM »
Hi music, attaching.
I too have suffered through multiple returns and promises. You are doing well. Xx
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Currently NC instigated by him as ow has balls in a vice!

Online Music45Topic starter

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Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #14 on: August 08, 2018, 07:04:09 AM »
Thanks Mae. Think you're right about the kids. They both are treating their Dad very differently but I cannot manage how they work out their relationship with him. They're adults so they have to do their own thing. S much less forgiving than D but S older and self reliant...

Gosh, Rising...was thinking I'd had a lot if returns at 5/6 but 10?  That's hard. I did think, foolishly, that because of this, H was in a shallower MLC than some. Nope! Lesson learned.
~
I've booked a holiday for me and D. H and S are doing a boys thing so I thought, why not? It will be our first holiday without H and I hesitated. I still think it will be hard and I'll miss him a lot.....hoping the Mediterranean sea and nice hotel will help, lol!!
Me: 50
H: 50
S:26 D:19 [both his but live with us]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Online Music45Topic starter

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Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #15 on: August 10, 2018, 02:31:42 PM »
Just checking in. Nothing to report.

Do you ever find that it's sometimes the little things that hurt most?
Tonight, big spider in my bedroom...Ok...not HUGE like they come in some places but a big UK spider...and I don't like them at all. Previously and with a bit of teasing, H would have been here to catch it and put it outside. I've had to get on and deal with the smaller ones myself now but couldn't face this one. Called  S to deal with it, which he did, bless him.

This has just made me so sad tonight. I don't even know where my hero spider catcher is tonight. I miss him so much.

X
Me: 50
H: 50
S:26 D:19 [both his but live with us]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Offline Mae

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Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #16 on: August 10, 2018, 10:31:07 PM »
Yes.....it's the little things that often make me catch my breath and squeeze my heart.

My H was the number 1 spider catcher in the house too. But he also dealt with the dead birds (courtesy of the cat) and the mice in the traps.

D15 is now dealing with the spiders (cause I can't) but I've taken over the birds and mice.

I miss my H too in the very small ways and the big ones. I often feel like my life has been hole-punched, leaving small round gaps which he used to fill. Gaps outside the house within the lawns and gardens which he tended to. Gaps in me.....missing parts of myself that was him until I realise that they are not missing. My H may be gone but my memory of him and my love for him remains and so he remains in a way.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative

Online Music45Topic starter

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Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #17 on: August 12, 2018, 11:25:54 PM »
my love for him remains and so he remains in a way.

Thanks Mae...agree with you on this. Especially when you're in a home surrounded by your joint choices. Detaching is hard. I can do it superficially - I can stop myself messaging and phoning etc. but I think about him. All. The. Time.

Monday morning here now. Mondays I see him as it's the day we're in the same office. Game face on!
Me: 50
H: 50
S:26 D:19 [both his but live with us]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Online Music45Topic starter

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Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #18 on: August 13, 2018, 12:34:07 PM »
Just journaling...

Monday's are tough as it's the day of the week I normally see H at work. He works in another office Tues to Fri. Has for a year [not MLC related]. Have come to the conclusion this working away has been a blessing in disguise as it means he's legitimately away from us/me/home but at the company's expense. The last few weeks since I called him out over his renewed contact with OW and end of our "friendship" been tricky on these Mondays. Both of us a bit awkward around the other.

Today, out of the blue, there was a fleeting glimpse of the man I married. Long story short - have an elderly dog who has had a tummy upset this weekend. D had clearly told H about this as today, H offered to go home and check on dog and let him out, he saw there had been a slight mishap on hall rug [which I'm dealing with with carpet cleaner - yuk dog!] and asked if I wanted to get a new rug! He also offered to take me and dog to vet and, when I take D on holiday in a couple of weeks, he's changed his work plans so he can be around to help with dog sitting [with S who's also staying at home]. He even referred to himself that week as being able to "work from HOME" - home? I thought he'd forgotten he has one!!!
None of this asked for. Offered by H.
He also offered to go and get me some lunch when he realised I hadn't got anything and was working past my normal go home time [I start work early].

I politely declined the rug, I declined his help at vets [told him S and I could take dog if it comes to it], declined lunch.  I did let him go home and let dog out - just because that made life easier...FOR ME!

So what is all that? Anchor checking? Is that the phrase? It was certainly nothing to get excited about!

I did my work - we have to work on some stuff together so there's no going dark even when I'm not being his friend and I have to paste on a smile and get on with it. Nobody at work knows what's going on at home. My choice. I don't want to be the topic of office gossip and I'm thinking that the fewer people know about all this shizzle, the better if he makes it back into the marriage. Given his multiple goings and returns over the last 2+ years, I feel that's right.

So I faked normal for another day and went with a cheerio to all when I left. Kept my sad, empty feeling for the drive home. Best I can do: fake it till I make it.

One of the benefits of having a multiple false returner is that the "no expectations" thing gets a little, LITTLE easier, I suppose. You wait, i'll be posting that I haven't seen him for months next or he's done something spectacularly hurtful [like when I caught him on the phone to OW when I was at work too one time!]

Ah well. Won't see him until next  Monday now [probably]. Who knows?
Me: 50
H: 50
S:26 D:19 [both his but live with us]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #19 on: August 13, 2018, 12:57:57 PM »
Sounds like you did well music. No expectations.
I had 10 returns then a vanisher but I kept pushing for a return as he always said he would be home soon. I turned into the mistress, then I found hs but I’m too late I think to make a difference to the divorce outcome.

Game face on and you seem to have good boundaries in place xx
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Currently NC instigated by him as ow has balls in a vice!

 

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