Author Topic: My Story More Returns Than a Tennis Champ  (Read 1568 times)

Offline Music45Topic starter

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My Story Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #50 on: September 23, 2018, 01:39:56 AM »
Hello....just updating...

Got some sad [but not unexpected] news this week - FiL has been diagnosed with early stage dementia/Alzheimer's. He's been showing symptoms for a while and this week, we got confirmation via some tests. H been ok. He's obviously very sad. Not sure how this will play out - he has Mother issues from childhood so not sure how he feels about this news and how he feels about his Mum. He has been in contact with them and so who knows...

Also, H had a very tough end of the week at work. Long story but not great and not his fault. Interestingly, he called me and talked it out. He really needs to change jobs [as I think this job is a major contributory factor to his MLC]. Good that he wanted to talk to me about it, I think and he certainly listened to my view on it and agreed with me. Think I was able to help him. Shows he needs me for something.

Today he came round early-ish as he and S are going to look at a car [some distance away] that S wants to buy. H seemed surprised I was up and was a bit odd...AGAIN!!! Weird seeing him in our kitchen....he looked oddly out of place. Was quite formal.

I don't know what type he is - not a vanisher - but not a typical Clinging Boomerang given that [despite multiple false returns] he never expresses a desire to "come back" or for me to wait for him in any way. Never monstered. I guess more CB than anything but one that contacts me a lot without any mention of our relationship at all.

Anyway...another time when it's tough to see him and let him go again. Monday tomorrow, so I'll see him at work. If he is moving along in this tunnel....it's.....going.......very......slowly.....if.....at....all........don't think he's in replay much now but don't know. Am not obsessing about the stages, I fully get that it is what it is.

On we go....
Me: 50
H: 50
S:26 D:19 [both his but live with us]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #51 on: September 23, 2018, 04:37:13 AM »
Maybe he is a boomerang without the clinging. Read this article:
https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_contact-types.html

Offline Music45Topic starter

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Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #52 on: September 23, 2018, 05:24:10 AM »
Thanks Goner, you may be right.
Me: 50
H: 50
S:26 D:19 [both his but live with us]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Offline Music45Topic starter

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Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #53 on: September 24, 2018, 08:34:35 AM »
Mondays, urgh. Can be tricky with seeing H at work.
Today I had 50 Shades of MLC. He rang on way in, in jolly upbeat mood, asking if I needed anything from the shop up the road on the way in.

Came in. Some of the work issues from last week came back to bite him a bit so he went downhill pretty quickly and became frowning, quiet H. He asked my advice again so I helped him best I could. He also made some fleeting reference to his "bad" behaviour. So not the entitled H but the ever-so-slightly-blink-and-you'll-miss-it self aware H.

i mentioned in passing that I was going out on my bike [pedal] later as it's been such a lovely day here today and half through in a "you should come along" to him. Amazingly, he moved a meeting and did! Wasn't expecting that.

Won't see him for another week now so will carry on regardless but good grief....there's a cycling MLCer for you...in more ways that one, lol.
Me: 50
H: 50
S:26 D:19 [both his but live with us]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #54 on: September 24, 2018, 11:42:42 AM »
Oh those cycles!!! I always like the self aware version better than full on clueless Mlcer, but can do without the pity party.

I have to see mine in the mornings for school pickup. I literally have to mentally prepare every single time. They do make it hard for us. Just the gift that keeps on giving right?

I like the casual invite and response though! I think some get to a point where they won’t initiate anything, so throwing a bone every so often is good.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Music45Topic starter

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Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #55 on: September 24, 2018, 01:55:27 PM »
Thanks KiT...every morning must be tough for you. Once a week is challenging enough.
I agree with the "throwing a bone", H, as was, would be very much a person who would respond to that, I feel. I was fine for him to say no, I also made no big thing of it when he showed up or as he was leaving.
I suppose that's my way of being the lighthouse without shining my light right in his face!!!
X
Me: 50
H: 50
S:26 D:19 [both his but live with us]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Offline Music45Topic starter

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Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #56 on: October 08, 2018, 01:02:19 PM »
Struggling with all this MLC nonsense at the moment....just to bring things up to date briefly. H has had some issues at work this last couple of weeks. Each time, he's called me to talk it out and ask advice. This where I find even going dim is hard - when he genuinely seeks me out to talk over this stuff. On one hand, it's right that he call me. I'm his wife! But on the other, part of me wants to say "go and talk to OW you MLCing weirdo"!! I don't say that, of course but equally, I feel he has me over a barrel a bit - ignore him and I think I'll push him away but otherwise, he's picking and choosing which bits of our relationship he can have.

Grrrrrrr.

He's definitely set on leaving this job next year. I can't argue as I think it's right but I wonder how much of this is replay behaviour..."if I just do this, everything will be ok"...he's tried a few other things. Who knows?

He's off work this week so I haven't seen him at work today - he and S [who's also been off work] went to see D at Uni today. I decided I wouldn't be in when H dropped S back at home. Just felt that i'm always here or available [and would have offered tea etc!!] so took myself out of the house. It worked - saw his car drive away.

Didn't work for long - he called me up about 20 minutes later!

So, I'm getting on with stuff. I try really hard not to contact him unless it's about kids or work. I'm doing stuff and taking on things I wouldn't have done pre his MLC but I'm just finding it hard right now. He doesn't feel like he's moving along much to me. He seems very happy with where he's at [living in hotel rooms].

He hasn't, as far as I know, contacted his Mum recently - even with FiL's diagnosis I mentioned previously. He seems to have gone backwards - avoid, avoid, avoid.

I hate this MLC. I can see why people give up standing. First time I've thought this. I'm just getting ZERO. If i had some sense of H's progress in some small way, I'd pick myself up but  [and I'm trying not to stage watch] I just don't see any progress. It's almost a year since he wanted out again and nearly 4 months since he left home for this hotel [and who knows what else] life. 2.5 years since first BD.

I'm so sick of it.

x

Me: 50
H: 50
S:26 D:19 [both his but live with us]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Offline Music45Topic starter

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Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #57 on: October 14, 2018, 01:00:04 AM »
Have not seen H for a couple of weeks. He'd taken last week off work to  go and do some stuff that may turn into paid employment so didn't see him at work last Monday.
On Friday, a small tree in our front garden blew over in strong winds. I sent H a photo on WhatsApp. Just by way if saying this has happened, I'll likely have to buy a replacement. He said he was going out with S Saturday night so he'd come and help when picking S up. He turned up 5 minutes before they had to leave...So no chance of tree help!! He then messaged me to say he'd help on Monday afternoon...take the old one out etc. Monday he's supposed to be at work. Seems crazy to me but I didn't question it.
Felt v sad and teary when he and S left. H was being nice, if a bit bashful at  being in OUR home again albeit for 5 mins. I find it much harder when he's being nice as he's most like his "old: self and seems happy. This is when I struggle most - when he's nice and happy and seems cool with his choices. Think it's because I feel less like he's in MLC at these times and more that I've just been dumped because he got something better.
So a bit of a pity party last night when standing feels pointless. He looked really good too. I just wanted to cuddle him. Grrrrrrrr.

No idea what's going on in his life. I'm guessing it's right not to ask. I think if he told me OW was gone, I'd be wondering why he's not back home and if he tells me OW is still around, I'd feel terrible too....So I don't ask!

I had to call him last week as had a problem at work that had caused me some issues and got to me a bit. (We work for the same company though mostly in different places). He was hearing me out but was a bit unhelpful in a typical man way, not MLC way - just the way guys struggle to hear women out who just want to offload. Men need to fix, don't they?
Anyway, he called me back later to apologise. Realised he hadn't been much help etc.

One thing though...really welcome your advice...He's phoned me a few times recently when tough things have happened at work that have really frustrated/hurt him. It's hard to detach from him when he calls me etc. Do I tell him he should talk over his probs with OW or just suck it up? I'm glad he calls me really...you should call your spouse, right? But it just makes it hard to detach...as I'm always there.
Me: 50
H: 50
S:26 D:19 [both his but live with us]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Offline Music45Topic starter

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Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #58 on: October 24, 2018, 12:49:05 AM »
Detachment

Advice really welcome. Just to recap - I work with H. He's only in the same office as me one day per week but we do have to communicate a lot as our work overlaps and he is technically my line manager.

No idea where he is in the grand scheme of things but he's not monstering and he's reasonable [apart from the MLC obviously!  ::)]

I rarely contact him first by phone or text/WhatsApp etc. I do have to email him sometimes but that's 99% work related and occasionally S or D related.

I've read a few threads recently where people have given good advice about detaching and how H needs to really feel his loss but it's hard when we work together.

I'm thinking I could:
- not always answer the phone if he rings out of work hours [rarely does but sometimes]
- if he calls with a work problem [he has sounded me out on a couple recently and, of course, I've heard him out and tried to be supportive]. Should I say something like "you should talk to OW about this. You chose her!" - ok maybe not those words but you know what I mean?
- Not always reply to messages? He had stopped messaging "good night" last thing but he started up again recently. I always reply with a one word answer. It's him who signs every message and email with a X, not me!

Not sure what else I can do. I find striking the balance between detaching and paving the way hard but I can definitely see he could go on like this for a while - he's doing his crazy "thing" but I'm still here etc. I "feel" like he's stuck and not having to deal with what he's doing or what his original FOO issues are etc. He's being a great ostrich!!

Thank you
Me: 50
H: 50
S:26 D:19 [both his but live with us]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: More Returns Than a Tennis Champ
« Reply #59 on: October 24, 2018, 03:19:48 AM »
Music
I think detachment is more of an emotional thing. Best way to explain it is when you don't care what he does/thinks when how/when you respond to his text. JMO.

 My thoughts still are what will my W do if I say this??? If I do this???  Now do I care if she gets mad?? Not really. The thoughts are just still there. Wanting to try and help!!

As far as replying to his text? I see nothing wrong with any of that, unless it bothers You, and you don't want too and your just doing it because he text you. Reply if you want, do not if you don't want to.
As for him being stuck and never moving forward?? I feel same way with my W. Nothing we really can do to make them move along.  I've tried, ha.

Once you really detach. He will see. Hard it is. I'm still working on that too. Barbie posted in her thread, fear if us wondering what MLCer will do when we do certain things??? Yep, once we get past that, some peace will come.


 

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