Author Topic: My Story Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage  (Read 2305 times)

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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My Story Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« on: August 07, 2018, 07:53:15 AM »
Has anyone seen “ revisiting the stages” on acceptance stage two? HB says that acceptance comes in three stages.  If they get spooked or fear to face their issues they go back to the tunnel and revisit the stages to close the doors. Have you seen this? Do you know what she means by that?
« Last Edit: September 24, 2018, 10:25:25 AM by OldPilot »

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2018, 08:30:54 AM »
I would imagine it means once they have gone through a stage, like Replay, they may try to go back to that stage but it won't feel the same, so they close the door on it for good.

The Replay won't hold the same excitement it did the first time.

Just my take on it.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #2 on: August 07, 2018, 09:05:29 AM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Acceptance stage
« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2018, 06:54:38 AM »
Anyone watching a MLC going thru acceptance stage? I’m curious about what revisiting stages look like.
If you have any information I would love to hear.

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2018, 09:58:04 AM »
There's a very old poster by the name of Patience who described the latter stages of her H's MLC in very fine detail that you should read and I remember her talking about this.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2018, 02:50:16 PM »
Hello and welcome,

HS does not use Acceptance as a stage. It also does not use anger or depression as stages.

RCR/HS stages are:

1 - Separation
     a) Rejection & Refusal
     b) Resentment
     c) Escape & Avoid (Covert Depression)
         High-Energy: Reply
         OR
         Low-Energy: Wallow
2 - Liminality or Liminal/Overt Depression
3 - Rebirth
4 - Reintegration
Aceeptance means they have accapted their deeds and crisis, it would have to come either at the end of Escape & Avoid, Liminality or Rebirth. Each person is different.

Those reconnecting or recociled are either seeing their MLCer accepting things or already saw (look for the light and dark purple icons). Those of us, like myself, who have a MLC, have been there. But acceptance may not look like how you think it would. It may be internal, it my show in actions. It does not have to be shown in words and anyone other than the MLCer may not even seen it.

Revisiting stages is something HB talked about, but, again, it may not have any particular look/we may not see much, if anything. Is a MLCer still in Replay or did they hit Liminality and went back to Replay for a while? Impossible to know until the MLCer leaves all Replay behaviour for good.

I doubt MLCers revisit Rebirth and they certainly do not revisit Reintegration. Reintegration is the new, fully formed out of crisis person.

What revisiting stages may look like is a person going back to a previous stage.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Acorn

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2018, 04:58:53 PM »
I think the main thing with my MLCer is that he is becoming more rational and less selfish as he continues to recover from MLC.  Can’t say that I have seen conclusive evidence where he is at, except when he was brooding and angry, and then went completely crazy (Replay).  After those stages (as described by HB), it is anyone’s guess what was happening with him.   All I know is that he got less crazy, less selfish and less juvenile.

I used to be rather busy lining up H’s words and actions with HB’s stages and trying to diagnose where he fitted in.  I gave that up as it kept my focus on him.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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How do I find old post?
« Reply #7 on: August 11, 2018, 10:12:22 AM »
I’m looking for a post from member named PATIENCE on final stages. Anything related to the Acceptance or revisiting stages.
Can anyone help me locate that post?
Thank you

Offline Thunder

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Re: How do I find old post?
« Reply #8 on: August 11, 2018, 10:18:25 AM »
Go up where it says Members, next to logout, on top.  Click on Search Member, put their name in they will come up.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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What are the Replay behaviors?
« Reply #9 on: September 14, 2018, 07:09:17 AM »
Can anyone explain what the replay behaviors are for a wallower at the end of replay as they are winding down?
My husband was a completely different man from 07/11-7/27. He was very attentive to me and said many times that he didn’t want me to be worried and stressed so he would tell me where he was going and with who without me asking him. He would call me and be available when I called then seemed to go backwards again in 08/03/18.... now I’m wondering what is happening.....
Any ideas?

Offline Thunder

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Re: What are the Replay behaviors?
« Reply #10 on: September 14, 2018, 07:12:54 AM »
All I remember is a LOT of exhaustion towards the end.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline 9393roo

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Re: What are the Replay behaviors?
« Reply #11 on: September 14, 2018, 08:49:03 AM »
I have been dealing with this for the past 6 months.  I have had a continuous cycle of cold and hot sometimes as much as hourly.  Step away and stop watching, all it will do is suck you in and make you dizzy. 
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline mitten

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Re: What are the Replay behaviors?
« Reply #12 on: September 14, 2018, 11:54:17 AM »
I believe im dealing with a high energy MLCer so dont have much insight into the wallower type.  Im witnessing overt replay behaviours and monstering.  Also mine doesn’t seem to be anywhere near the end...still manic as ever. 

From what ive been reading near the end of the tunnel there is a lot more awareness and cycling and attempts to run back to Replay to avoid liminality.  However not as severe,  Im sure lots of others on here can give more insight.
Married a loving and devoted husband and father.
No clue he didnt love until BD.
Complete change overnight in to monster.
Live in monster for 8 weeks.
Moved out to sisters Oct 2017
OW discovered as soon as he moved out- older by 10 years, worked for him as cleaner and laundry woman.  Is extremely manipulative. Has 4 children and divorced twice. EA for approx 2 years not sure how long PA.
Has been living with OW since xmas day.
Has confirmed relationship with her through solicitor and going through process of divorce (not wanted by me)

Offline Thunder

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Re: What are the Replay behaviors?
« Reply #13 on: September 14, 2018, 12:12:48 PM »
LBS1,

I don't see a story thread for yourself.  Would you like to start one so we can know more about your story?

I'd be interested in knowing why you feel your H is a Wallower?
You can ask questions on your story thread too.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Divorce filed
« Reply #14 on: September 24, 2018, 09:55:03 AM »
Have anyone ever seen MLC file for divorce after Replay? Have anyone seen divorce filing during withdrawal ( HB )?

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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My story - new to this
« Reply #15 on: September 24, 2018, 01:34:47 PM »
I had no idea that my husband was in Midlife crisis. He would call me as soon as he got off work and would say, “ How’s my beautiful!? Do you know how happy I’m to hear your voice and know that I’m on my way home to you.” We cuddled in bed every night.

I used to wonder if other couple lived like this... then in March 07,2018 he told me that he was tired of being controlled by me, that he no longer knew who he was. That night he hugged me all night long. Then on March 11,2018 he left our home. I have two daughters and one son. My husband kept calling me for a whole month after he left our home , bought me a car and a new stove in the past 7 months.

 I have learned from hindsight that March/18 was not the first bomb drop, somewhere around 2015 he brought up divorce while we were having a fight about his job but he never left me. We worked things out and I didn’t know it was midlife crisis. He works in the car business and he works very long hours.

In June I discovered that he had been texting/ calling a female coworker daily. They seemed to talk all day and all night long. I filed for divorce in June 07 but later cancelled. He then became depressed and around July he was very concerned about how I felt, he would text me where he was going after work and say” I don’t want you to feel worried about me. He changed and was no longer the monster.

He said that he never thought our separation was forever and that all he ever wanted was reconciliation. He says he never had nothing with his coworkers except communication..🙄 During August he was coming over very often and spending a lot of time with my son. Then on 09/06 we got in a argument and he filed for divorce.

The day after he filed he started to call and text me several times per day but I never answered. On 09/14 he texted that he lost his grandma and I still didn’t reply.... that was the last time I heard from him. Today his grandma was buried . I was never served with divorce papers and I have no idea where he is in his MLC. All I know is that he was monster during April/May almost everyday, he repeated himself and hated me then. After I filed for divorce in June he became mild and calmer. He was no longer argumentative or vindictive. Now I have no idea what is happening in my life. Any tip/ideas/help would be great!
« Last Edit: September 25, 2018, 02:54:29 AM by Thunder »

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #16 on: October 08, 2018, 04:27:43 PM »
Lbs1

How have things been recently? Have you heard from him since his Grandma died? How are your children?

Isn’t this so difficult!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #17 on: October 08, 2018, 05:35:50 PM »
Rose,
The past two weeks we have been communicating often. Yesterday he told me that he cried the other day when he remembered that I brought coffee to him every morning while he was changing for work. He said he didn’t want the divorce, that he act out in anger and told me that closure isn’t coming for him. I’m seeing himself again not the distant monster that I have been dealing with for 7 months. When I asked him to explain why closure wasn’t coming for him, he said it was because he loves me and I couldn’t believe it!
What do you think about that?

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #18 on: October 09, 2018, 02:31:46 AM »
Lbs1

That must be lovely to hear. Enjoy it but best not to take any expectations forward from it. He seems mixed up which is hard on you, him filing for divorce in September and October saying he doesn’t want it. He’s not acting like an adult is he. But you are, and you need to. Rise above him if you can, whatever he says and does is that of a man in crisis and don’t let his crisis become your crisis.

It will be hard for him to explain his feelings so for you to stay strong, you are doing the right thing coming on here and asking. You need to leave him to his crisis and live for yourself and your children while he works through it.

His craziness will wreck you, try to detach from it and focus on yourself so you can heal from this. Do you get much time for yourself? Are you sleeping and eating ok?

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #19 on: October 09, 2018, 02:47:14 AM »
I've been reading some old threads from women who reconciled with their husbands over the last few days and there was something pointed out in those threads by other posters that jump out at me here.

This is still about him. He loves you because you brought him coffee. It's about what you did for HIM. There's no apologies, no remorse, for what he did to YOU. It doesn't mean he won't feel that later but I would proceed with caution. Just because they are acting nice doesn't mean they are doing it for you. Be friendly and respond graciously to his outreach, but be on guard. He's not done yet and he's not himself yet.

Online Treasur

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #20 on: October 09, 2018, 04:17:35 AM »
Goner makes a very good point about the self-centredness....let it unfold cautiously but keep your expectations guarded and your focus on you as it is pretty early days, I think, and sometimes they cut and run again
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #21 on: October 09, 2018, 08:06:13 AM »
Rose you are right, it does feel nice. Gone it is all about him! He has never apologized for anything he did and is doing. I want to detach from him but how do I do that if I keep replying to text and answering calls?

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #22 on: October 20, 2018, 06:41:52 AM »
Lbs1

Your story sound much like mine at the beginning. I think you have a clinging boomerang on your hands and they are very tricky to deal with.  Mine moved out for 3 weeks after I found very sexual texts to an employee BD#1. He could not handle being by himself so I let him back in thinking it was just something he was going through. (This was before I found out about MLC and HS) At that time my H paid so much attention to me.  He wrote me love letters and called and texted daily about how much he loved me.  Little did I know he was most likely doing the same thing to OW. 

He had the perfect set up for cake eating.  He traveled to the OW’s town every other week, where as I found out later they resumed a relationship.  He tried so hard to keep it all togther.  In hindsight for me I would take anything Positive sign from him and think “he would never continue with OW when he is being so nice to me!”  I look back now and it was all about him.  It was not until I detached completely that I saw it. Please do not take his kindness at face value. 

If your BD just happened in March, you have a long way to go.  Stay on here and share your story.  Everyone here understands exactly what you are going through and there is so much advice I wish I would have followed from the beginning. 
« Last Edit: October 20, 2018, 07:17:49 AM by Thunder »
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #23 on: October 20, 2018, 06:45:37 AM »
9393roo

He dismissed the divorce yesterday. I want to detach from him but I find it impossible because he calls me everyday now. He comes over every Wednesday and Sunday. How were you able to detach?
Lbs1

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #24 on: October 20, 2018, 07:03:41 AM »
Unfortunately it took me sooo long.  I believe mine happened in pieces. BD #2  happened 1.5 years after BD#1 and this is where I started to drop the rope for my own sanity.  Start small.  Do not respond to his texts right away.  Do not be at his beck and call.  Find something to fill your time (GAL) so you are not constantly thinking about him and your marriage.  Focus on your kids if you have them. I found that the more I stepped away from him the more I was see the situation for what it was.  My H had always relied on me to fix things. He wanted me to fix this too. You can’t fix him and he needs to do through this on his own.  It took me 2 years to completely drop the rope.  I stopped doing everything I used to do for him.  It took everything I had not to pick it up again.  It wasn’t until then that I saw exactly what my H was doing and where he was in all of this.  I regained my sanity and self respect and I grew stronger.  I believe my H is facing depression big time now. Most of his replay behaviors are gone.  He still tries to look at me to fix him and make things better for him but I know better than that now.  I show compassion and then get on with my life. There is nothing you can do to help your H.  You can only help yourself.  I know it takes a while to see things.  Start small no matter how small.  You will be glad you did.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #25 on: October 20, 2018, 07:06:28 AM »
Also, tell him you are busy this Sunday and he can’t come over, and then go be busy!  He needs to know he is not in charge of you and your time.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #26 on: October 20, 2018, 07:23:12 AM »
9393roo
It is very hard for me because I reason that if he is here he will have less time “ there” wherever there is.... he lives with his dad.  It’s been 7 months now.
But you are so right I pickup the phone the second he calls. I drop everything for him in a second.... why does he need to change.

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #27 on: October 20, 2018, 07:35:16 AM »
You sound like a fixer!  I am too, as are many others on here.  It takes us fixers a long time to realize that we just can’t fix everything.  Whatever you do you have no control over what your H chooses to do when he is not with you.  You will lose your mind trying (believe me I did).  I started taking small stands and it confused my H to no end.  At first he will cling even more until he sees that you are serious. It’s funny, as I’m writing this my H is texting me how lonely he is visiting his parents.  I’m ignoring and taking my dog out for a walk.  There is power in letting go.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #28 on: October 20, 2018, 08:14:39 AM »
9393roo
When you say take small stands what do you mean?  Can you give me specific tips on how to detach from him? Should I not answer him? But wouldn’t take be the opposite of what I want to happen?

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #29 on: October 20, 2018, 08:53:23 AM »
9393roo
It is very hard for me because I reason that if he is here he will have less time “ there” wherever there is.... he lives with his dad.  It’s been 7 months now.

He needs to be "there" in order to see he belongs "here." "There" is thinky time and he needs to be able to think away from you. You need to read some threads of LBSes who had their own MLCs to understand what I am talking about, such as Busy_bee and Denjef31. They both do a good job of explaining how giving them space helps them to see the light you want them to see.

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #30 on: October 20, 2018, 09:08:05 AM »
Gone
How do I find those threads?

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #31 on: October 20, 2018, 09:33:38 AM »
Yes "thinky" time and time to miss you.

You don't need to ignore his calls or texts just wait a bit first.  You're busy doing something right now.
Call him back, sorry I was out walking, or I was talking with a friend, I missed your call..or text.  Oh sorry I left my phone in the car.

I wouldn't ignore his calls or texts all together, just don't jump to answer them every time.  You have a life remember, and you're living it alone.  Let him wonder where you are or what you're doing a bit of the time.

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #32 on: October 20, 2018, 09:35:27 AM »
Thunder
Would he care?

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #33 on: October 20, 2018, 10:20:59 AM »
I think they do care, it's just them not having control all the time.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #34 on: October 20, 2018, 12:08:06 PM »
LBS1, take a deep breath and think a moment. Is this how you want to live your life? Do you want to live waiting for the next text or call?Taking crumbs of his time?  You asked "Why does he need to change?"

Maybe he doesn't if you want to do all the work in the relationship. But then what do you get from that?

Maybe he doesn't if you are OK with him living at his Dad's.  Maybe he doesn't if you are OK with one or the other of you filing for divorce every couple of months. Maybe he doesn't if it works for you not knowing if he's really there for you.

Or maybe you both need to change some
 Maybe you need to acknowledge that you want/need security from your spouse. If so, he needs to change to give you that. Maybe you need to take care of yourself and son, and let your H figure out what he needs to do. He'd have to change to do that, as he doesn't know what he wants. Maybe you need to stop jumping at every text and phone call, and call/text when YOU are ready. He'd have to adjust to that.

IMO, responding when a relative dies is just good manners. "I am sorry for your loss." No more, no less. If you still care about him, you'd do the same for anyone you care about. Responding to "How are you?" Texts does not warrant an immediate response, or any if you don't feel like it. One word responses are Ok. "Surviving"

You are still so early on. Mine wallowed at home for 18 months, moved out for a year a half hour away, then finally filed when he thought he wouldn't have to pay child support. All about him. His moving out was the greatest gift I got, because when he filed, I had detached enough that it was ok for me. Not what I wanted, but doable.

The only thing that saved me was finding my own things to do, taking care of then S15, and paying no mind to what he was doing. He left several half finished "improvements" when he left

You can't stop this or change him. You can only control yourself, be kind and courteous when appropriate and walk away from monster when appropriate. Save yourself. He's going to do what he is going to do. You have to decide if you want to accept the behavior at the time, or decline to participate.

You get to choose your path.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2018, 12:10:55 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #35 on: October 20, 2018, 01:20:49 PM »
Well said Off Road. 

LBS1, now is the time to start to focus on you and your son.  It's a long journey but you need to find yourself again and let your H do the same.  I'm still in the process of it all 2.5 years in.  I'm a very different person then I was at the beginning.  I'm finding myself and liking myself again without any input from my H.  I spent the first 2 years of this mess trying to make my H turn back to me and in the process I lost my self respect and the respect of my children.  Unfortunately there is no one road map for detachment.  Every case in so different.  Trial and error, trial and error, and you must be strong and do things you never thought you could. 

It takes a little while to stop being the person who is so scared their spouse is going to pull the plug, to becoming the person who starts to think they can pull the plug themselves. 

Keep reading, learning and breathing.  You will get there.   
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #36 on: October 20, 2018, 04:01:04 PM »
I think the worst advice given in this forum is to tell people to detach. Not because detachment isn't a good thing, but because it is absolutely ridiculous to expect someone to will themselves to detach. All telling someone to detach does when they aren't ready to detach is make them feel they are doing something wrong. No one can tell you HOW to detach. You will reach detachment when it comes from inside of you. Simple as that. I wish people would just be honest and say that eventually you will reach a state of detachment, and it is OK if you haven't gotten there yet. The peer pressure to detach does no one any good.

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #37 on: October 20, 2018, 04:36:26 PM »
Gone
Thank you! I feel like a failure daily because of that.
I love my husband and detaching is still a struggle for me.
Lbs1

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #38 on: October 20, 2018, 04:43:19 PM »
I think I missed where someone told LBS1 to detach. I saw people recommending taking care of herself, finding her own things to do, not jumping to return calls and texts right away (all things healthy people do) and how they ended up detaching over the course of their own journey.

Taking care of yourself is not the same as detaching, but it does help you to grow strong enough to detach. And the word detach doesn't always mean from the MLCer. Sometimes it is detach from the situation. Context is key, and if there is a question about the context, someone can always ask for clarification.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #39 on: October 20, 2018, 05:06:18 PM »
LBS1, there is no failure. There is only your situation, and you get to choose how you want to deal with it. When I asked if that is how you want to live your life, the answer "yes, that is how I want to live my life at this moment" is a valid choice. And you can change your mind, tomorrow, next week, whenever you want. Or not. We all do our best, but there is no same path for everyone.  If I made you feel bad by asking if that is how you want to live, I apologize. I really want to know, is that how you want to live? Because I was constantly told that if I didn’t do x, y or z, then mine would never come back. In my case, it  didn't matter what I did, nice, not nice, understanding,  I pretzeled myself in the beginning, and it didn't matter, he hung around for 18 months like it could work out then bailed. I can guarantee you, if anyone had asked me if that is how I wanted to live, I'd have said no. I thought that was what I HAD to do, but it wasn't.

Sometimes people think they are stuck on the treadmill of their MLCERS makings. That they have to do x, y or z for every thing to work out.  If anyone has the magic formula for what works to get every MLCER back, I've not seen it yet.

You get to decide to stand, not stand or stand until. No failure. Just a human being doing the best they can.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2018, 05:17:23 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #40 on: October 20, 2018, 06:01:24 PM »

Sometimes people think they are stuck on the treadmill of their MLCERS makings. That they have to do x, y or z for every thing to work out.  If anyone has the magic formula for what works to get every MLCER back, I've not seen it yet.


Something that struck me recently is that the reconciled individuals who people tend to look up to the most for advice in the forum also all say "I did everything wrong." If they really did everything "wrong" then how come they are reconciled? And why are they advising people to "do as I say, and not as I did" if doing everything "wrong" still led to their reconciliation? Just something to ponder.

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #41 on: October 20, 2018, 06:57:46 PM »
Quote
Something that struck me recently is that the reconciled individuals who people tend to look up to the most for advice in the forum also all say "I did everything wrong." If they really did everything "wrong" then how come they are reconciled? And why are they advising people to "do as I say, and not as I did" if doing everything "wrong" still led to their reconciliation? Just something to ponder.
.

I sure have wondered about this as well. I know for a fact that at the beginning of this nightmare , I absolutely did every single thing you are not "supposed to do ". All of them... repeatedly. I had NO CLUE what was happening in my own home, in my own marriage. I was running strictly on fight or flight and whatever that created came out of my mouth . But what I truly found stunning is what the 1st therapist said to me . She said " you must have created a safe place for him to return to ".  WTF?   I am about as safe as a pirana  with rabies. Trust me when I tell you ...there was NO SAFE place created by any stretch of the imagination.  It honestly is a crap shoot..there is no other true explanation.  Or how the stars line up . Or a full moon ?. Or mating season for Iguanas ? . I do not get it. It is just further proof that it has nothing whatsoever to do with you and there is nothing you can do to change it.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #42 on: October 20, 2018, 07:24:32 PM »
Again, I see no "wrong",  or failure regarding our MLCers except as any of us might feel it to be so at the time.. I do feel for myself that I treated myself "wrong", because I considered my needs to be not as important as saving my marriage in the beginning. But since I don't know if I had told him straight away that his behavior was not acceptable, get out, if that would have been better or worse, I can only say if I had the chance to go back, I'd have taken care of me sooner. If he had come back before I got my feet under me, it would have been a train wreck. Since he didn't come back at all (as of today), had I not taken care of me, I'd be a train wreck.If he ever comes back, I will be in a good enough place to make a healthy decision. No train wrecks.

My wish for every LBS here. Take care of yourself well enough that you can make your best decisions for the life you want and deserve, with whomever, however you want to live it.



When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #43 on: October 20, 2018, 07:48:31 PM »
Quote
I can only say if I had the chance to go back, I'd have taken care of me sooner.
.

Indeed. I truly wish I could go back just for this one reason... to have taken FAR better care of myself . It is the best advise ever. I have many stress related issues now from failure to do exactly this .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #44 on: October 20, 2018, 08:06:25 PM »
Quote
Something that struck me recently is that the reconciled individuals who people tend to look up to the most for advice in the forum also all say "I did everything wrong." If they really did everything "wrong" then how come they are reconciled? And why are they advising people to "do as I say, and not as I did" if doing everything "wrong" still led to their reconciliation? Just something to ponder.
.

I sure have wondered about this as well. I know for a fact that at the beginning of this nightmare , I absolutely did every single thing you are not "supposed to do ". All of them... repeatedly. I had NO CLUE what was happening in my own home, in my own marriage. I was running strictly on fight or flight and whatever that created came out of my mouth . But what I truly found stunning is what the 1st therapist said to me . She said " you must have created a safe place for him to return to ".  WTF?   I am about as safe as a pirana  with rabies. Trust me when I tell you ...there was NO SAFE place created by any stretch of the imagination.  It honestly is a crap shoot..there is no other true explanation.  Or how the stars line up . Or a full moon ?. Or mating season for Iguanas ? . I do not get it. It is just further proof that it has nothing whatsoever to do with you and there is nothing you can do to change it.

I'm not the rabid piranha that you are but I totally get what you are saying. There are times I have TOTALLY blown my top, said everything I am not supposed to say, and then I am kicking myself saying why did I do that? And then I just say ok, well at least this may give us the space they say we are supposed to have because I am sure I have scared him off this time.

No! OK, he might run from me for a day and a half or so, but then he comes sniffing around, acting slightly like a wounded puppy not sure if he can approach me safely again, but then another day goes by and it's back to as it was before the blow up, except even with slight improvement in his behavior from before.

I mean I did this a few days ago, ripped into him for everything he has done, told him this isn't working for me, that he shouldn't assume I planned to stay with him. I went a lot further than I normally do in these blowups. But everything is fine again (as much as it can be considering he is in MLC).

I think you must be right it is nothing to do with us. Or that these MLCers actually make up their mind from the beginning whether they plan to stick it out with us or not and it is their destiny to do what they are going to do, come hell or high water. It may be that the ones who really want to leave just have a hard time extracting themselves for some time and the ones who want to stay have a hard time coming back for some time. And maybe what they have all in common is an inability to be decisive and do what it is they really want to do.

I know this may sound strange but I was more worried that my H might leave me completely some day before BD than I have since. In fact, he was the one running and I was the one chasing throughout our marriage and it's like the tables have sort of turned. My gut tells me though once he starts to return to his old personality I will need to do the chasing again in order to reassure him that I will accept him in spite of what he has done.

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #45 on: October 21, 2018, 06:45:38 AM »
LBS1 if I in any way, shape or form made you feel like a failure by giving my advice I sincerely apologize.  We are all just finding our way on here.  I agree the most important thing you can do is take care of yourself and your children.  None of know the answers how to deal with our spouses misery, like Barbie said it’s a crap shoot.  Do what you feel is right and change it if doesn’t feel good.  I’m still learning this and will probably continue to learn it the rest of my life.  Have a good Sunday.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #46 on: October 21, 2018, 07:33:53 AM »
Everybody here are amazing! None of you said or done anything to make me feel like a failure. I feel that way because many times I wish I just gave up about him. I do not know why I’m still waiting for him. He says that when he left he was hoping to have all of our problems resolved really quick but that my actions kept that from happening.
I know that is how they think and act but it still makes me feel like I’m the one doing what is wrong when all I’m doing is surviving a crappy situation.
Thank you for talking and giving you guys insight it helps me a lot!
I appreciate everyone’s comments. None have ever offended me.
« Last Edit: October 21, 2018, 07:35:46 AM by Lbs1 »

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #47 on: October 21, 2018, 07:51:18 AM »
LBs,

Do you know if he is still texting that co-worker?  I have a reason for asking this.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #48 on: October 21, 2018, 09:09:54 AM »
Thunder
I do not know but he says he isn’t. I showed him a article about what infidelity means and he said that he stopped.... who knows ignore it is true or not but he has turned toward me since 08/28 and have been talking about working things out and being a couple since then. When he was talking to her he wouldn’t even talk to me

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #49 on: October 21, 2018, 09:28:10 AM »
The reason I asked is it's been 7 months and he doesn't seem to be getting worse, or going into a tunnel where he is caring less and less about you.  He is also expressing love for you

Now it could he is just a slow Wallower and it will eventually get worse, but I'm beginning to wonder if your H is going through a Midlife Transition not a full blown Midlife Crisis.

I certainly don't want to get your hopes up because it's too soon to tell. If he is in a transition it may not last as long as a crisis, and possibly won't be as destructive.
That co-worker could just be part of a fantasy and won't go any further. 

It doesn't mean you treat him any different than a MLCer, all the advice is the same.  Either way he is having an identity crisis.  So still hang onto no expectations.

I guess only time will tell.
Just something to be aware of.

Can you tell us how your H has changed, other than being confused with some depression?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #50 on: October 21, 2018, 10:18:48 AM »
Thunder
The biggest thing was he moving out of our home. He never really stopped coming home when he is not at work. Never said jen doesn’t love me. He says this is not about love but about him feeling like I don’t care for his opinions. He always deposit his entire paycheck in our joint account. He always yield to everyone and now is all about him. He went to a bar once that I know. He says that the coworker was a friend.... of course.... she is going thru a divorce and that they talked about his problems and her problems. I don’t know. They spent hours texting.... so I guess they weren’t in bed at least not at those times.
He texted me the whole morning today.  He was never rude to me or mean. But he left me... I think he changed because he was always caring, living and out everyone first. No way he thinks of himself. Isn’t 7 months too long for a identity crisis?

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #51 on: October 21, 2018, 10:40:28 AM »
Well that's a lot like a Wallower, except for him moving out right away.  Wallowers usually are nice but emotionally cold.

Did he change how he dresses, or take up working out, worry about his appearance all the time. 
Does he act like his emotions are turned off?  Act like a stranger?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #52 on: October 21, 2018, 10:48:15 AM »
Thunder
He didn’t change how he looks or dress. He doesn’t no take work out. He immersed himself at work. At the beginning he was distant from me but never mean. He was like a stranger from March until May. He is very emotional all the time right now. Talks about his feelings and memories. He was careless from March until May it didn’t matter what we said he ignored us. Got mad easily when we confronted him. But not since June when I filed the divorce he started to change back to who he was before... not all of it but much nicer and caring.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #53 on: October 21, 2018, 11:02:14 AM »
Your H is quite the mystery.

Most turn very selfish, try to recapture their youth and change the way they dress and the music they listen too.  Find young friends and become very self-absorbed.

None of this fits your H.  Is the co-worker quite a bit younger than he is?

It's possible he is have some kind of Identity Crisis, but I'm not sure.
Show emotion?  Mine showed none.  He was nice but it was like he turned off his emotions.

Lbs, I guess only more time will tell what is wrong with him.  But so far..SO FAR..it doesn't seem to me he is in a crisis.  At least not that I can see.  That's just my opinion, for what it's worth.

Maybe just keep giving him space if he asks for it.  He may be working something out.
Be patient and friendly but take your own space too.  Do things with your friends and family, not just him.

Also what are your ages?
« Last Edit: October 21, 2018, 11:03:44 AM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #54 on: October 21, 2018, 11:15:32 AM »
I’m 43 he is 42. All his friends are around the same age maybe a little younger. The coworker is maybe a little younger but not that young. Maybe 35? She has 5 kids and is in the middle of a divorce. Anyway he cried many times in front of me. He asked me what does a man need to do to prove that he loves you? Is like he is punishing me. I don’t get it but I’m getting so tired of all this and starting to wonder if it will be possible to reconcile one day. Do you think it is possible to forgive all that he put us thru?

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #55 on: October 21, 2018, 11:22:52 AM »
Oh gosh yes.  Many LBS's have forgiven their spouse's.
I suppose it may be how much remorse they have, and how they try to fix things afterwards.

You H isn't close to that yet.  I hope he will be some day.

An actual crisis can last years.

Just a question, when he said.. He asked me what does a man need to do to prove that he loves you?
He was talking about you, right?
Hey, had to ask.   ::)
« Last Edit: October 21, 2018, 11:30:29 AM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #56 on: October 21, 2018, 11:27:23 AM »
Thunder

Yes! He asked me why I never believe him and I said,” because I never really felt loved by you.” So he asked me ,” what does a man need to do for you to believe that he loves you?”

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #57 on: October 21, 2018, 11:35:30 AM »
Oh ok.   :)

Sometimes you get a bit jaded after you've been here long enough.

Well so far all I can say is just be patient and see how things go with him.
In the mean time take good care of yourself.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #58 on: October 21, 2018, 08:32:16 PM »
Thunder
He texted me all morning, came over today and stayed until 6 pm. Texted me until 8:30 pm and asked me out to lunch Tuesday....
What do you think of that!?

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #59 on: October 22, 2018, 03:06:22 AM »
Lbs,

The decision to go with him, or spend time with him has to be your choice.  If you feel comfortable accepting his offer, than by all means go.  If you feel comfortable spending time with him, then do it.

I certainly did.  Why not, there was no ow.  If you're pretty sure he isn't in contact with anyone, then I sure don't see any reason not to.  But you do what you are comfortable with. 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #60 on: October 22, 2018, 07:32:50 AM »
Thunder
Can he be in replay and be that nice to me?
Yesterday we played this guessing game all day. I have all the little things he ever gave me like my wedding ring gift wrap. He bought for me as a Christmas gift the year after our wedding. We only had a silver band when we got married, so I kept the wrap. So yesterday I took a picture of it and I said, what did you have me on this wrap? He couldn’t believe I still had it. Then he asked me to play more guessing game all day.
Anyway he was extremely sweet yesterday and I know it could be a bait but he been very nice since sept 28. Could he still be in replay? I’m starting to think this wasn’t a midlife crisis but like you said maybe a identity crisis. How do I know?

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #61 on: October 22, 2018, 07:47:58 AM »
I wouldn't question it too much, just enjoy that you two are getting along, having some fun and try to relax.  No overanalyzing it.

Your H, if anything is a Low Energy Wallower, IF he is in crisis.  They aren't usually mean or abusive.
I honestly don't think they really do replay.  They can have replay activities, like running or working out, but replayers are usually running, acting crazy, spending money, having affairs, stuff like that.

Just see how long this lasts.  He's enjoying his time with you, that's a good thing. 
It's a positive.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #62 on: November 01, 2018, 02:58:01 PM »
Thunder!
So much has happened since we spoke. My H had contacted me nonstop. We went out for lunch, and out with kids last Sunday. He calls me almost daily and text me almost daily. Last Sunday he told me that he hopes to keep coming over more and more until he is not gone anymore.....
The problem is he is still “all about him” and believes that our problem is communication. He doesn’t see that what he is doing is wrong.... so where that heck is he at in his crisis? Or is it even a midlife crisis? He claims that he never cheated on me, said that he loves me, and that he misses me the other day, but when I asked him why isn’t he home, he said it is all about me and how I ignore his needs... any idea what am I dealing with here? Please help

Offline islandgirl68

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #63 on: November 01, 2018, 06:22:03 PM »
The problem is he is still “all about him” and believes that our problem is communication. He doesn’t see that what he is doing is wrong.... so where that heck is he at in his crisis? Or is it even a midlife crisis? He claims that he never cheated on me, said that he loves me, and that he misses me the other day, but when I asked him why isn’t he home, he said it is all about me and how I ignore his needs... any idea what am I dealing with here? Please help

It sounds to me like your H is still deep in his crisis. I don't use much of the terminology or nor do I stage watch. If your H still does not believe he contributes to the 'problem' then he is still stuck.

My H is the same, started to admit maybe he was a part of the problem and then bam denial. What you have is a super-clinger. My H went thru a similar period where he was trying to hyper-connect to me.... constant contact, attention, affection... This went on for 2 months before H burned out and withdrew. It was unsustainable because he never faced his issues.

My situation is a little different because my H is home, but when he withdraws he turns into a wallower and he might as well be gone. No interaction with me, its like I'm a ghost.  :-\ But my H is really clingy. Any sign I'm moving on or pulling away and he's following me around like a lost puppy. We cycle a lot where H pulls away and switches and turns towards me.

I found the best thing to do is to stop cycling with him and do what is best for me. Its hard not to get sucked in, but with time it gets easier. As long as your not letting your H's clinginess affect your healing I say go with the flow.
Me: 34
H: 36
S17; D10; D7; D3
Together 18 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H stuck being a man-child. Questioning my stand.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #64 on: November 01, 2018, 07:23:29 PM »
LBs,

It's still all about him.  As long as he is still blaming you he's still not ready to face the truth.
Just ignore what he is saying, he's still baking.

He has a ways to go.  Don't let him fool you.
Trust me, you don't want him home yet.  He won't stay.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #65 on: November 02, 2018, 11:23:50 AM »
If you were to read everything that I posted in my first year of MLC,
you would see that I was convinced that my ex had gone through every STAGE of MLC and
that we would reconcile any day now.

That was 10 years ago.

It did not stop her MLC nor did it stop her from getting divorced from me.

Have you read low energy wallower thread?

My suggestion is to not concentrate too much on his behavior as it seems to be all over the lot.

Also this advice is try to not put your children in the middle of your relationship with your husband.
That will not be good for you or for them.
They need to make their own relationships  with both of you and not have to take sides.

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #66 on: December 05, 2018, 04:01:27 PM »
I would like to get a mentor, how does that work? Can anyone help me? Im losing my marbles.

Offline islandgirl68

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #67 on: December 05, 2018, 04:27:52 PM »
You can put your name down in the mentor thread at the top of the page  :)

Oops, there used to be a request a mentor thread, where'd it go?
« Last Edit: December 05, 2018, 04:29:35 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 36
S17; D10; D7; D3
Together 18 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H stuck being a man-child. Questioning my stand.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #68 on: December 06, 2018, 04:14:55 AM »
LBS

Good on you, a mentor is a great idea.

Try this link https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8918.110

But keep posting here anyway, what’s happening now? It’s so difficult isn’t it.

Sending strength
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #69 on: December 06, 2018, 07:22:39 AM »
Rose,
It is so very hard. I have days that I just want to give up and move on from all of it.  It has been 9 months since my husband left the house but I believe he had been in replay for at least a year before that. He was completely different and had talked about divorce during a small fight. For few years he was completely distant and withdrawn, he just wasn’t himself. I always suspected depression but did nothing to help him. Now I can’t help but feel guilty and like a failure. It’s been a week since we talked. He never really went away from us in fact last week he said he loved me and wanted to reconcile then everything went backwards again. I’m going crazy

Online Treasur

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #70 on: December 06, 2018, 07:35:33 AM »
Please trust that YOU are not the crazy one, LBS, truly you're not.
But someone you are attached to is on their own crazy rollercoaster.
The only thing that will make you feel less crazy is to do anything you need to do right now to unhook your emotions and your future wellbeing from someone else's crazy.
Easy to say. Hard to do. But step by step, it does get easier with time and a bit of kindness to yourself.

If you were going to do one thing right now to unhook from the crazy, what would it be? Doesn't have to be a big thing, just one thing facing in the right direction.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #71 on: December 06, 2018, 07:40:27 AM »
MLC starts before they leave. For some, the time in crisis before they leave is short. For others it can be years, like with Stayed's husband. But we only count from BD since it is not possible to know exactly when it started before.

9 months is still very fresh to MLC world.

Don't feel guilty. Your husband probably wouldn't listen to you or want your help with his depression. All MLCers are depressed. High Energy ones have covert depression, wallowers have overt depression.

Mr J knew he was depressed. It didn't made a difference. He refused help from professionals, myself, SIl, his best friend. He left over 12 years ago and is still in Replay.

When MLCers start to go deep into the tunnel there is a period during which they come close to us, then leave, then come close. Providing they haven't been vanisher since the start or aren't totally depressed wallowers.

What you are experiencing with your MLCer is normal. His crisis may become worst before it gets better. Right now it is not possible to say much, since 9 months is a short period in MLC.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #72 on: December 06, 2018, 08:29:35 AM »
LBS,

Please don't feel bad.  They were all massively depressed but there was nothing you could have done to help.

This isn't a clinical depression where meds help, it's entirely different.

A midlife crisis is an Identity Crisis.  They have no idea who they are anymore.
Their searching for answers, in all the wrong places usually.

Until they can look inside, and do some inner work, they will never figure out the problem lies within themselves.

No one can help them with that.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #73 on: December 06, 2018, 09:17:52 AM »
Thunder,
That’s exactly how he described to me when he left....” I don’t know who I’m, I don’t have a opinion, I don’t have a say...”
What am I supposed to do? Just let him go and forget about it? It’s been 9 months and I can’t take it anymore :'(

Offline Anjae

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #74 on: December 06, 2018, 09:41:17 AM »
What am I supposed to do? Just let him go and forget about it? It’s been 9 months and I can’t take it anymore :'(

I am afraid you will have to let him go. Trying to make him stay, or come back, does not work. They rebel even more if we do so.

No, not forget, but let it go.

You will have to learn how to deal with this mess. It very, very hard. And you're still in deep shock. For now, if you can, focus on yourself.

There is nothing you can do about your husband. He is depressed and, like you said, he does not know who is is. You cannot make him know. He has to find the answer on his own.

I know this is very though, we have all been there. Be strong. We're all here for you.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #75 on: December 06, 2018, 09:46:49 AM »
LBS

I feel for you as this is so hard.

The best advice I got when I went through this exact thing was ‘don’t let his crisis become your crisis’ and to detach from him. Like he is on a rollercoaster and you are sitting next to him, get off his rollercoaster. He’s the crazy one but will take you with him if you let him. You need to be strong and not take any of this personally. Even if he says things about you or your marriage, it’s all unhappiness inside of himself. It’s not you, you are normal like the rest of us dealing with a very abnormal situation.

Keep posting here, all day if it helps! Take things one day at a time.
We have all walked this and are here for you
Rose 🌹

P.S. I believe it is best to send a private message to OldPilot to get a mentor. Are you ok to do that?
« Last Edit: December 06, 2018, 09:51:16 AM by Rosetintedglasses »
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Online Treasur

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #76 on: December 06, 2018, 10:54:33 AM »
If it helps, LBS, in the first year or so when the idea of 'letting go' felt too big, I replaced it with 'let it be' which felt easier to me. Just the mental image of taking my hand off the steering wheel.

We all remember that sense of desparation and fear and confusion, and it is awful I know. Let it be. When in doubt, do nothing. Breathe. Distract yourself the best you can. Day at a time. Breathe a bit more.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2018, 10:57:07 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #77 on: December 06, 2018, 04:22:37 PM »
Have any of you guys seen or heard Mlcer in replay that want to go to marriage counseling? And what do you guys think of that?

Offline megogirl

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #78 on: December 06, 2018, 06:32:24 PM »
Not just "heard" of it.....I lived it.

Except that he was Monstering and yelled, "I said that I would be OPEN-MINDED to marriage counseling!  NO guarantees!" 

In retrospect, he was feeling immense pressure from me/it - total MLC.  I'm just glad I never followed through with it....! 
« Last Edit: December 06, 2018, 06:40:29 PM by megogirl »

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #79 on: December 06, 2018, 06:46:24 PM »
My husband just said that we need to learn to communicate and that he wants to go to therapy. We are going next week.
My H never been a real monster to me or to our family. He is very careful with his words and never offended me with words. He do wants to know everything that happens here at our house and get frustrated when he has no idea of what we are doing. For few weeks now we are just not sharing anything with him, we don’t ask for help or anything. We are just living our lives the best we can. That really bothers him.

Online Treasur

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #80 on: December 06, 2018, 10:33:03 PM »
Tread cautiously, LBS. Yes, it does happen. Or they suggest it then change their mind as my h did twice. But if they are in Replay, their perspective starts with blaming you and avoiding responsibility for their actions usually, so MC tends not to be very helpful and can sometimes just be an LBS bashing exercise to 'prove' why they are justfiified in doing what they have done.

Fwiw, my advice would be to listen more than talk, expect little and be prepared to have boundaries in place to protect yourself - to the point of walking out - if it turns out not to be constructive.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #81 on: December 07, 2018, 07:27:09 AM »
Treasur,
How do I know if he is in Replay? I know he is drinking because I saw “liquor store” in my bank statement, but my h never been a partier. What would be some indication can you help me with that? I think he has communication problems (issues) I believe he wasn’t allowed to fully express himself growing up because he gives innuendos but he is never absolutely direct or clear on his communications. He can’t express his wants and needs.
What am I suppose to do if he is in replay? No contact or just no initiating?

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #82 on: December 07, 2018, 08:07:13 AM »
Can anyone point me to the right direction of where I can find more information on rejection & refusal vs. escape and avoid?
If my h is a wallower will he still have replay? Is escape and avoid different for wallowers ?
I’m so confused please help me. 

Online Treasur

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #83 on: December 07, 2018, 08:15:23 AM »
lots of info here https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_stages.html and here
https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-six-stages-of-a-mid-life-crisis/

As a guiding principle, seems like if it is less than 2 years, they are In Replay. Some go on for much longer. Replay is about escaping and avoiding, but different people do it in different ways. Most have affairs, most leave or leave and come back and leave, some drink, some do drugs, some physically move, change jobs or their appearance.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #84 on: December 07, 2018, 08:17:50 AM »
LBS1,

There are no hard and fast rules on how to act when they are in Replay, except to take care of yourself, protect yourself financially, no relationship talks and let them go.
You can not control what they do.

Most MLCer's can't or won't communicate very well during their crisis.  Their heads are a mess.

You should only go NC if it benefits you.  It's not to punish them, it's for you if you need a break.

RCR, who started this site, does not recommend going NC in the early days, unless you are being physically or emotionally (Monster) abused.  The early days they are still somewhat confused and treating them with politeness and light friendship is usually the best.  It takes the pressure off both of you.  No serious talks.

I hope that helps.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #85 on: December 07, 2018, 08:23:02 AM »
Sorry, I didn't see you last question.

Yes Wallower's are different.  They don't necessarily act out on Replay, it's more escape and avoid.
Stick their head in he sand, turn off emotionally, not much Monster.

They generally don't have the energy for Replay, such as partying, etc..
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Whyus

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #86 on: December 07, 2018, 08:35:32 AM »
Keep doing your Thing without him. Let it bother him, it should.
Hang in there girl.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Penelope2018

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #87 on: December 07, 2018, 12:34:51 PM »
Mine brought up MC right after BD. Honestly I didn't think it would help then but researched it that night and by the next day he had changed his mind. He was extremely indecisive in the beginning and like Treasur stated I think it would have been used as a blame game because everything is our fault?

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #88 on: December 08, 2018, 06:25:48 AM »
How are you doing today, LBS?

This is all so hard and confusing for us.  Read other threads, and the articles, and you will see everything they do will not make a whole lot of sense.

Just try to focus more on you.  Hard, I know, but watching them will only make you crazy.

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #89 on: December 08, 2018, 07:09:50 AM »
Thunder,
Thank you for checking up on me. It is very hard to deal with it. I’m trying to read, pray and focus on me but it is hard. I hate not having control of my life... in the sense that I don’t know if he committed adultery or not or if this will result in us being a family again. I hate sitting here imagining that maybe I have false hopes for us. His Midlife crisis is so different that it makes me wonder if maybe it is not a midlife crisis afterall. He started turning back to me in July telling me that he should never left, He says that he has not committed adultery and that his life is miserable, that he drives by the house often and recently been wanting to see a therapist to help us communicate more effectively. He never been really mean to me. The only time he hurt me was in May 06, I asked him don’t you want to reconcile and work things out? He replied,” I haven’t come back crawling to you did I?” Then in June I filed for divorce and since then he has just been closer and closer to us at home but still not committed. He says he wants to reconcile but haven’t taken any definite steps in that direction so I’m here just waiting to see what happen. The bomb drop was March 07 and he left March 11 but he says he never “left left” he doesn’t spend money at all. The last time he took money was $2000.00 in October. He lives with his dad. I’m so confused with everything. He has been out of our home for 9 months and he could be doing anything he wanted to but he says that he is in prison, that he gave up all his friends and family when he met me and now he has no one.
I’m broken and crushed and desperate and tired. I’m so tired of dealing with this.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #90 on: December 08, 2018, 07:22:12 AM »
Honey you have to realize everything he is saying is script.  He's in a crisis.  Just know that.

Low Energy Wallowers usually aren't mean and do no spend money wildly, that is why they confuse us so much.

I felt like you, that maybe it wasn't a MLC, but it is.

The majority of them don't find a ow/om.  It's more fantasy with them. 

Just leave him be and when you do interact just be friendly and light.  No serious conversation.
He will take a long time to come through this so taking care of yourself is essential.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #91 on: December 08, 2018, 07:25:45 AM »
Thunder,
Isn’t it better to just move on? It seem so wrong to put yourself in a situation that just keep making you suffer :'(
I don’t know how much I can carry on like this for a man that gave up in our family. I’m so grateful for this forum it helps me so much. Thank you for taking the time.
I have had better days but I often think of giving up. I don’t want another man I just don’t want to see my son crying, I don’t want to wonder, to hurt and suffer. It that wrong?

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #92 on: December 08, 2018, 08:25:32 AM »
Of course it's better for you to move on.  People who stand for their marriage also move on with their life.  I'm not talking about another relationship, you're not ready for that, but just make your life the best I can be and let him go twist in the wind and do what he is going to do.

There is no guarantee he will come back and you should not waste your life waiting.

If it happens and you are in a strong place, then it will be your choice whether you want him back or not.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online One day at a time

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #93 on: December 08, 2018, 11:07:40 AM »
LBS, I really feel for you.. I'm not long into this so I understand how confusing and hurtful all this is. My H is a wallower, he spent months at home wallowing, saying he was unhappy, life had no purpose.. He completely withdrew from me, he started lying and traveled half across the world to see a girl he met in a business trip, he said nothing happened, I'm not sure but he came back and she's still very far away.. The more time that goes on, I actually think it was more fantasy than anything else.. They did talk non stop over text but I don't think there's an actual plan to get together..

In March my H also decided he was done.. But he wanted to stay at home and do whatever he wanted.. After a few weeks, I asked what his plans were.. he had none.. I asked him to move out because his behavior was really affecting me. There was no monster at this stage, he was very nice, he cooked for me, waited for me every evening to have our night coffee with "something nice" and had nice gestures like mailing me about stuff he knew I would be interested in, etc.. It was so confusing my emotional health was not great. Eventually I told him he needed to go.. That he had made a decision and he needed to experience the consequences and I needed space to absorb what was happening. He reluctantly agreed and I do believe he struggled leaving but every time I asked, he was 100% sure he had made the right decision so...

He has been gone 7 months and he has been nothing but nice to me. A couple of weeks ago I rang him with a problem (which I had never done before) and he came and stayed 3 hours to fix it.. When we discussed financials, we came up with an agreement that benefits me more than him, all his idea.. All of this is very unusual for an MLCer and I often question MLC, I think to a degree, we all do.

So... I just wanted to give you a view of my situation as there are some similarities in our stories.. But my question to you is... what does it mean to move on for you? I understand you don't want to see you son suffering but what can you do differently? I guess I decided very early on that I wouldn't let him take me down with him.. he wanted freedom, a new life.. so I lovingly stepped to the side and stopped fighting against something I couldn't control. I'm still madly in love with my H and I'm willing to forgive and forget but he has to want to come home for any of that to happen.

I still have hope but I'm trying to rebuild my life without him in it. I'm not consciously trying to move on but I'm trying my best to enjoy life, whatever way I can. I'm far from feeling whole again or consider a relationship with someone else. But that might come at some point in the future.. I hope my H finds his way back to me before that happens... There's nothing wrong with wanting a better life for you..

There are people in this forum who really "trust the process" and they feel that if they are patient enough, their spouses will come back. There's other people who clearly say there are no guarantees so you really need to live your life as if he's never coming back. You need to decide what's the right thing for you.
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017
BD2 - 22nd March 2018
H left home 11th May 2018 (my decision) - Moved in with parents
EA with someone 12,000 kms away!!
Trying very hard to let go...

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #94 on: December 08, 2018, 11:16:39 AM »
One day,
I appreciate you taking your time to talk to me so much! Thank you very much.
I guess when I say moving in I mean giving up in my marriage and getting a divorce. I’m having a hard time being at home and living without him here. I feel like if I got a divorce it would be closure for me. My husband also never been mean to me, but the limbo is suffocating. I don’t know how to feel better or how to enjoy life. I think about it all day and night. It is so confusing because he does say that he loves me and wants to be home. He says that he regrets leaving.
I wonder if I moved out of my marital home if I would feel better but I don’t want him here if I’m not here.... I’m so lost.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #95 on: December 08, 2018, 01:00:09 PM »
LBS

This is awful isn’t it. I would say live one day at a time and see how it goes. Just survive today, be kind to yourself and think of your H as in therapy getting help and so he can’t be there today. Then do the same tomorrow.

See how that goes for a few days without thinking too far ahead.

Keep coming on here and getting it out of you,
Thinking of you
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Online One day at a time

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #96 on: December 08, 2018, 01:59:08 PM »
LBS, it is very hard and limbo is painful and confusing. You sound like your emotions are running high and this is not a good state of mind to make drastic decisions.. When all of this kicked off, I was seriously considering living the country and start somewhere else new... But I realized I was only thinking of running because I felt so bad.. But we see that in our spouses, they run and run and run.. It doesn't fix it.

Do you have any hobbies? Do you have friends you can go out with, even for coffee so you can start doing things for yourself? I know your son needs you but you really need to find some time for yourself as well so you can find small moments of joy.. And if you feel better, it will also help your son.

Just to give you a few examples.. Last summer I painted the garden shed. It was a lot of work and I did it alone. I got a lot of satisfaction out of it and it showed I can do things I have never done before. That gave me confidence.  One day I went to meet friends for lunch and I cried all the way in the car because I was doing it alone (I used to meet these friends with H) but I went. The lunch was not 100% perfect as I was triggered by some of the conversations but I was proud of myself for pushing my own limits and actually doing things for myself.. And as months went by, I started doing more and more. Today, I decided I was going to put up the Christmas tree.. I live alone but I did it for me. I put some music on and I sang and danced as I was putting the decorations on.

It won't be easy or fast but if you try to find maybe one small thing each day, it doesn't have to be anything extremely exciting.. just something you might enjoy.. You might not get a lot joy tomorrow, or the next day.. but if you keep trying, slowly you will feel better. Don't forget that a lot of us have walked or are walking in your shoes.

We are here for you!
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017
BD2 - 22nd March 2018
H left home 11th May 2018 (my decision) - Moved in with parents
EA with someone 12,000 kms away!!
Trying very hard to let go...

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #97 on: December 08, 2018, 10:55:35 PM »
Lbs1, you are still very early on. For a reference, I didn't actually start feel "normal" until about 2 tears on, and him being moved out for 6 mobths. Mine wallower at home for 18 months. I thought I was doing ok, but I was simply existing. And worse since I hid in my room from him, I also didn't often interact with my son during the time I was in my room.

Mine replayed for a short amount of time until he figured out he looked like an idiot around other people. Getting drunk while out with people at 41 looks pretty odd when no one else is doing that. Mine also brought me slurpees and sub sandwiches. Right after BD, mine screamed at me for three days, accusing me of things I'd never done. Then replay for a short while where "he could do what he wanted". Then calling and telling me when he'd  be home. Then lying about where he was. Then screaming at me for daring to ask a simple question. Then, then,then...it's like he was trying on personalities for size. Then one day, 18 months along, he HAS to move out. 2 weeks later, he's gone.

6 months after that, I felt human again. I didn't realize what having him around was doing to me, but I felt the relief when he was gone.

I was a person who stood until. My until was the divorce (while came 3 years after BD). Now I live my life my way. I rather like it. I'm sad that all this happened,  I have no idea who the guy with my XHs face is. He's no one I like or have any desire to be around. I don't rule out ever getting back together, but im not waiting on it either. He'd have to bring something worthwhile to the table. You will have to decide what is best for you.

Do you need a divorce to move forward?  Can you manage without one? Is not having one stopping you from takung care of you and your needs?Are you anxious to find someone else? Do you want to wait for your H?

Write a list of what you need to be a functional human being. Then another of what you need to be contented. And a last one of what would be ideal.Figure out if a separation or divorce would be in your best interest, emotionalky, financially and physically. Then think on it a while before making any decisions.

And always, take care of you, get out and about, do things you like. This is very upsetting, and confusing. Be kind to yourself.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online Treasur

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #98 on: December 09, 2018, 12:47:12 AM »

Write a list of what you need to be a functional human being. Then another of what you need to be contented. And a last one of what would be ideal.Figure out if a separation or divorce would be in your best interest, emotionalky, financially and physically. Then think on it a while before making any decisions.

And always, take care of you, get out and about, do things you like. This is very upsetting, and confusing. Be kind to yourself.

Have to say my experience was pretty much as OR says.

And her advice is really sound. Unfortunately nothing right now is going to restore 'normal service' or magically make you feel better.
We get pruned hard by this experience.

So, baby steps, focus on the essentials as OR says and give yourself kind time to breathe and think well before you make big decisions that you can't unmake. You may decide they are necessary, and that's ok too, but it is very hard to think wisely when we are overwhelmed by chaos and confusion.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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