Author Topic: My Story Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage  (Read 2306 times)

Online Treasur

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My Story Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #20 on: October 09, 2018, 04:17:35 AM »
Goner makes a very good point about the self-centredness....let it unfold cautiously but keep your expectations guarded and your focus on you as it is pretty early days, I think, and sometimes they cut and run again
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #21 on: October 09, 2018, 08:06:13 AM »
Rose you are right, it does feel nice. Gone it is all about him! He has never apologized for anything he did and is doing. I want to detach from him but how do I do that if I keep replying to text and answering calls?

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #22 on: October 20, 2018, 06:41:52 AM »
Lbs1

Your story sound much like mine at the beginning. I think you have a clinging boomerang on your hands and they are very tricky to deal with.  Mine moved out for 3 weeks after I found very sexual texts to an employee BD#1. He could not handle being by himself so I let him back in thinking it was just something he was going through. (This was before I found out about MLC and HS) At that time my H paid so much attention to me.  He wrote me love letters and called and texted daily about how much he loved me.  Little did I know he was most likely doing the same thing to OW. 

He had the perfect set up for cake eating.  He traveled to the OW’s town every other week, where as I found out later they resumed a relationship.  He tried so hard to keep it all togther.  In hindsight for me I would take anything Positive sign from him and think “he would never continue with OW when he is being so nice to me!”  I look back now and it was all about him.  It was not until I detached completely that I saw it. Please do not take his kindness at face value. 

If your BD just happened in March, you have a long way to go.  Stay on here and share your story.  Everyone here understands exactly what you are going through and there is so much advice I wish I would have followed from the beginning. 
« Last Edit: October 20, 2018, 07:17:49 AM by Thunder »
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #23 on: October 20, 2018, 06:45:37 AM »
9393roo

He dismissed the divorce yesterday. I want to detach from him but I find it impossible because he calls me everyday now. He comes over every Wednesday and Sunday. How were you able to detach?
Lbs1

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #24 on: October 20, 2018, 07:03:41 AM »
Unfortunately it took me sooo long.  I believe mine happened in pieces. BD #2  happened 1.5 years after BD#1 and this is where I started to drop the rope for my own sanity.  Start small.  Do not respond to his texts right away.  Do not be at his beck and call.  Find something to fill your time (GAL) so you are not constantly thinking about him and your marriage.  Focus on your kids if you have them. I found that the more I stepped away from him the more I was see the situation for what it was.  My H had always relied on me to fix things. He wanted me to fix this too. You can’t fix him and he needs to do through this on his own.  It took me 2 years to completely drop the rope.  I stopped doing everything I used to do for him.  It took everything I had not to pick it up again.  It wasn’t until then that I saw exactly what my H was doing and where he was in all of this.  I regained my sanity and self respect and I grew stronger.  I believe my H is facing depression big time now. Most of his replay behaviors are gone.  He still tries to look at me to fix him and make things better for him but I know better than that now.  I show compassion and then get on with my life. There is nothing you can do to help your H.  You can only help yourself.  I know it takes a while to see things.  Start small no matter how small.  You will be glad you did.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #25 on: October 20, 2018, 07:06:28 AM »
Also, tell him you are busy this Sunday and he can’t come over, and then go be busy!  He needs to know he is not in charge of you and your time.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #26 on: October 20, 2018, 07:23:12 AM »
9393roo
It is very hard for me because I reason that if he is here he will have less time “ there” wherever there is.... he lives with his dad.  It’s been 7 months now.
But you are so right I pickup the phone the second he calls. I drop everything for him in a second.... why does he need to change.

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #27 on: October 20, 2018, 07:35:16 AM »
You sound like a fixer!  I am too, as are many others on here.  It takes us fixers a long time to realize that we just can’t fix everything.  Whatever you do you have no control over what your H chooses to do when he is not with you.  You will lose your mind trying (believe me I did).  I started taking small stands and it confused my H to no end.  At first he will cling even more until he sees that you are serious. It’s funny, as I’m writing this my H is texting me how lonely he is visiting his parents.  I’m ignoring and taking my dog out for a walk.  There is power in letting go.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #28 on: October 20, 2018, 08:14:39 AM »
9393roo
When you say take small stands what do you mean?  Can you give me specific tips on how to detach from him? Should I not answer him? But wouldn’t take be the opposite of what I want to happen?

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #29 on: October 20, 2018, 08:53:23 AM »
9393roo
It is very hard for me because I reason that if he is here he will have less time “ there” wherever there is.... he lives with his dad.  It’s been 7 months now.

He needs to be "there" in order to see he belongs "here." "There" is thinky time and he needs to be able to think away from you. You need to read some threads of LBSes who had their own MLCs to understand what I am talking about, such as Busy_bee and Denjef31. They both do a good job of explaining how giving them space helps them to see the light you want them to see.

 

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