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Author Topic: My Story Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage  (Read 4922 times)

Offline Lbs1Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #30 on: October 20, 2018, 09:08:05 AM »
Gone
How do I find those threads?
There is hope if there is Love!

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #31 on: October 20, 2018, 09:33:38 AM »
Yes "thinky" time and time to miss you.

You don't need to ignore his calls or texts just wait a bit first.  You're busy doing something right now.
Call him back, sorry I was out walking, or I was talking with a friend, I missed your call..or text.  Oh sorry I left my phone in the car.

I wouldn't ignore his calls or texts all together, just don't jump to answer them every time.  You have a life remember, and you're living it alone.  Let him wonder where you are or what you're doing a bit of the time.

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Lbs1Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #32 on: October 20, 2018, 09:35:27 AM »
Thunder
Would he care?
There is hope if there is Love!

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #33 on: October 20, 2018, 10:20:59 AM »
I think they do care, it's just them not having control all the time.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #34 on: October 20, 2018, 12:08:06 PM »
LBS1, take a deep breath and think a moment. Is this how you want to live your life? Do you want to live waiting for the next text or call?Taking crumbs of his time?  You asked "Why does he need to change?"

Maybe he doesn't if you want to do all the work in the relationship. But then what do you get from that?

Maybe he doesn't if you are OK with him living at his Dad's.  Maybe he doesn't if you are OK with one or the other of you filing for divorce every couple of months. Maybe he doesn't if it works for you not knowing if he's really there for you.

Or maybe you both need to change some
 Maybe you need to acknowledge that you want/need security from your spouse. If so, he needs to change to give you that. Maybe you need to take care of yourself and son, and let your H figure out what he needs to do. He'd have to change to do that, as he doesn't know what he wants. Maybe you need to stop jumping at every text and phone call, and call/text when YOU are ready. He'd have to adjust to that.

IMO, responding when a relative dies is just good manners. "I am sorry for your loss." No more, no less. If you still care about him, you'd do the same for anyone you care about. Responding to "How are you?" Texts does not warrant an immediate response, or any if you don't feel like it. One word responses are Ok. "Surviving"

You are still so early on. Mine wallowed at home for 18 months, moved out for a year a half hour away, then finally filed when he thought he wouldn't have to pay child support. All about him. His moving out was the greatest gift I got, because when he filed, I had detached enough that it was ok for me. Not what I wanted, but doable.

The only thing that saved me was finding my own things to do, taking care of then S15, and paying no mind to what he was doing. He left several half finished "improvements" when he left

You can't stop this or change him. You can only control yourself, be kind and courteous when appropriate and walk away from monster when appropriate. Save yourself. He's going to do what he is going to do. You have to decide if you want to accept the behavior at the time, or decline to participate.

You get to choose your path.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2018, 12:10:55 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #35 on: October 20, 2018, 01:20:49 PM »
Well said Off Road. 

LBS1, now is the time to start to focus on you and your son.  It's a long journey but you need to find yourself again and let your H do the same.  I'm still in the process of it all 2.5 years in.  I'm a very different person then I was at the beginning.  I'm finding myself and liking myself again without any input from my H.  I spent the first 2 years of this mess trying to make my H turn back to me and in the process I lost my self respect and the respect of my children.  Unfortunately there is no one road map for detachment.  Every case in so different.  Trial and error, trial and error, and you must be strong and do things you never thought you could. 

It takes a little while to stop being the person who is so scared their spouse is going to pull the plug, to becoming the person who starts to think they can pull the plug themselves. 

Keep reading, learning and breathing.  You will get there.   
Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #36 on: October 20, 2018, 04:01:04 PM »
I think the worst advice given in this forum is to tell people to detach. Not because detachment isn't a good thing, but because it is absolutely ridiculous to expect someone to will themselves to detach. All telling someone to detach does when they aren't ready to detach is make them feel they are doing something wrong. No one can tell you HOW to detach. You will reach detachment when it comes from inside of you. Simple as that. I wish people would just be honest and say that eventually you will reach a state of detachment, and it is OK if you haven't gotten there yet. The peer pressure to detach does no one any good.

Offline Lbs1Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #37 on: October 20, 2018, 04:36:26 PM »
Gone
Thank you! I feel like a failure daily because of that.
I love my husband and detaching is still a struggle for me.
Lbs1
There is hope if there is Love!

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #38 on: October 20, 2018, 04:43:19 PM »
I think I missed where someone told LBS1 to detach. I saw people recommending taking care of herself, finding her own things to do, not jumping to return calls and texts right away (all things healthy people do) and how they ended up detaching over the course of their own journey.

Taking care of yourself is not the same as detaching, but it does help you to grow strong enough to detach. And the word detach doesn't always mean from the MLCer. Sometimes it is detach from the situation. Context is key, and if there is a question about the context, someone can always ask for clarification.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #39 on: October 20, 2018, 05:06:18 PM »
LBS1, there is no failure. There is only your situation, and you get to choose how you want to deal with it. When I asked if that is how you want to live your life, the answer "yes, that is how I want to live my life at this moment" is a valid choice. And you can change your mind, tomorrow, next week, whenever you want. Or not. We all do our best, but there is no same path for everyone.  If I made you feel bad by asking if that is how you want to live, I apologize. I really want to know, is that how you want to live? Because I was constantly told that if I didn’t do x, y or z, then mine would never come back. In my case, it  didn't matter what I did, nice, not nice, understanding,  I pretzeled myself in the beginning, and it didn't matter, he hung around for 18 months like it could work out then bailed. I can guarantee you, if anyone had asked me if that is how I wanted to live, I'd have said no. I thought that was what I HAD to do, but it wasn't.

Sometimes people think they are stuck on the treadmill of their MLCERS makings. That they have to do x, y or z for every thing to work out.  If anyone has the magic formula for what works to get every MLCER back, I've not seen it yet.

You get to decide to stand, not stand or stand until. No failure. Just a human being doing the best they can.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2018, 05:17:23 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

 

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