Poll

How Long does a Male Midlife Crisis lasts?

6 MONTHS
10 MONTHS
18 MONTHS
24 MONTHS
VARIES FROM 3-7 YEARS

Author Topic: My Story Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage  (Read 4825 times)

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8740
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #80 on: December 06, 2018, 10:33:03 PM »
Tread cautiously, LBS. Yes, it does happen. Or they suggest it then change their mind as my h did twice. But if they are in Replay, their perspective starts with blaming you and avoiding responsibility for their actions usually, so MC tends not to be very helpful and can sometimes just be an LBS bashing exercise to 'prove' why they are justfiified in doing what they have done.

Fwiw, my advice would be to listen more than talk, expect little and be prepared to have boundaries in place to protect yourself - to the point of walking out - if it turns out not to be constructive.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Lbs1Topic starterTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 52
  • Gender: Female
Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #81 on: December 07, 2018, 07:27:09 AM »
Treasur,
How do I know if he is in Replay? I know he is drinking because I saw “liquor store” in my bank statement, but my h never been a partier. What would be some indication can you help me with that? I think he has communication problems (issues) I believe he wasn’t allowed to fully express himself growing up because he gives innuendos but he is never absolutely direct or clear on his communications. He can’t express his wants and needs.
What am I suppose to do if he is in replay? No contact or just no initiating?
There is hope if there is Love!

Offline Lbs1Topic starterTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 52
  • Gender: Female
Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #82 on: December 07, 2018, 08:07:13 AM »
Can anyone point me to the right direction of where I can find more information on rejection & refusal vs. escape and avoid?
If my h is a wallower will he still have replay? Is escape and avoid different for wallowers ?
I’m so confused please help me. 
There is hope if there is Love!

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8740
  • Gender: Female
Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #83 on: December 07, 2018, 08:15:23 AM »
lots of info here https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_stages.html and here
https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-six-stages-of-a-mid-life-crisis/

As a guiding principle, seems like if it is less than 2 years, they are In Replay. Some go on for much longer. Replay is about escaping and avoiding, but different people do it in different ways. Most have affairs, most leave or leave and come back and leave, some drink, some do drugs, some physically move, change jobs or their appearance.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 22157
  • Gender: Female
Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #84 on: December 07, 2018, 08:17:50 AM »
LBS1,

There are no hard and fast rules on how to act when they are in Replay, except to take care of yourself, protect yourself financially, no relationship talks and let them go.
You can not control what they do.

Most MLCer's can't or won't communicate very well during their crisis.  Their heads are a mess.

You should only go NC if it benefits you.  It's not to punish them, it's for you if you need a break.

RCR, who started this site, does not recommend going NC in the early days, unless you are being physically or emotionally (Monster) abused.  The early days they are still somewhat confused and treating them with politeness and light friendship is usually the best.  It takes the pressure off both of you.  No serious talks.

I hope that helps.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 22157
  • Gender: Female
Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #85 on: December 07, 2018, 08:23:02 AM »
Sorry, I didn't see you last question.

Yes Wallower's are different.  They don't necessarily act out on Replay, it's more escape and avoid.
Stick their head in he sand, turn off emotionally, not much Monster.

They generally don't have the energy for Replay, such as partying, etc..
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3380
  • Gender: Male
Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #86 on: December 07, 2018, 08:35:32 AM »
Keep doing your Thing without him. Let it bother him, it should.
Hang in there girl.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Penelope2018

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 114
  • Gender: Female
Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #87 on: December 07, 2018, 12:34:51 PM »
Mine brought up MC right after BD. Honestly I didn't think it would help then but researched it that night and by the next day he had changed his mind. He was extremely indecisive in the beginning and like Treasur stated I think it would have been used as a blame game because everything is our fault?
MLC XH - 42 currently
M - 34 currently
Mini BD - Feb 2017  - Doesn't want to be married to a "sad" person.
Angry b/c I was depressed from my Grandmother's death in 12/16
BD - July 2017 - spent the previous 3 months in his home country with OW
OW discovered Aug 2017
EA started Dec 2016? PA start unsure
Filed for D - Aug 2017
D - Nov 2017
I moved out for four months
Moved back in for 8.5 months
Moved back out 12/2018 - practicing NC
Married - 15 Y
No kids

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 22157
  • Gender: Female
Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #88 on: December 08, 2018, 06:25:48 AM »
How are you doing today, LBS?

This is all so hard and confusing for us.  Read other threads, and the articles, and you will see everything they do will not make a whole lot of sense.

Just try to focus more on you.  Hard, I know, but watching them will only make you crazy.

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Lbs1Topic starterTopic starter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 52
  • Gender: Female
Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #89 on: December 08, 2018, 07:09:50 AM »
Thunder,
Thank you for checking up on me. It is very hard to deal with it. I’m trying to read, pray and focus on me but it is hard. I hate not having control of my life... in the sense that I don’t know if he committed adultery or not or if this will result in us being a family again. I hate sitting here imagining that maybe I have false hopes for us. His Midlife crisis is so different that it makes me wonder if maybe it is not a midlife crisis afterall. He started turning back to me in July telling me that he should never left, He says that he has not committed adultery and that his life is miserable, that he drives by the house often and recently been wanting to see a therapist to help us communicate more effectively. He never been really mean to me. The only time he hurt me was in May 06, I asked him don’t you want to reconcile and work things out? He replied,” I haven’t come back crawling to you did I?” Then in June I filed for divorce and since then he has just been closer and closer to us at home but still not committed. He says he wants to reconcile but haven’t taken any definite steps in that direction so I’m here just waiting to see what happen. The bomb drop was March 07 and he left March 11 but he says he never “left left” he doesn’t spend money at all. The last time he took money was $2000.00 in October. He lives with his dad. I’m so confused with everything. He has been out of our home for 9 months and he could be doing anything he wanted to but he says that he is in prison, that he gave up all his friends and family when he met me and now he has no one.
I’m broken and crushed and desperate and tired. I’m so tired of dealing with this.
There is hope if there is Love!

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.