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Author Topic: My Story Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage

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My Story Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
#40: October 20, 2018, 06:01:24 PM

Sometimes people think they are stuck on the treadmill of their MLCERS makings. That they have to do x, y or z for every thing to work out.  If anyone has the magic formula for what works to get every MLCER back, I've not seen it yet.


Something that struck me recently is that the reconciled individuals who people tend to look up to the most for advice in the forum also all say "I did everything wrong." If they really did everything "wrong" then how come they are reconciled? And why are they advising people to "do as I say, and not as I did" if doing everything "wrong" still led to their reconciliation? Just something to ponder.
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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
#41: October 20, 2018, 06:57:46 PM
Quote
Something that struck me recently is that the reconciled individuals who people tend to look up to the most for advice in the forum also all say "I did everything wrong." If they really did everything "wrong" then how come they are reconciled? And why are they advising people to "do as I say, and not as I did" if doing everything "wrong" still led to their reconciliation? Just something to ponder.
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I sure have wondered about this as well. I know for a fact that at the beginning of this nightmare , I absolutely did every single thing you are not "supposed to do ". All of them... repeatedly. I had NO CLUE what was happening in my own home, in my own marriage. I was running strictly on fight or flight and whatever that created came out of my mouth . But what I truly found stunning is what the 1st therapist said to me . She said " you must have created a safe place for him to return to ".  WTF?   I am about as safe as a pirana  with rabies. Trust me when I tell you ...there was NO SAFE place created by any stretch of the imagination.  It honestly is a crap shoot..there is no other true explanation.  Or how the stars line up . Or a full moon ?. Or mating season for Iguanas ? . I do not get it. It is just further proof that it has nothing whatsoever to do with you and there is nothing you can do to change it.
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
#42: October 20, 2018, 07:24:32 PM
Again, I see no "wrong",  or failure regarding our MLCers except as any of us might feel it to be so at the time.. I do feel for myself that I treated myself "wrong", because I considered my needs to be not as important as saving my marriage in the beginning. But since I don't know if I had told him straight away that his behavior was not acceptable, get out, if that would have been better or worse, I can only say if I had the chance to go back, I'd have taken care of me sooner. If he had come back before I got my feet under me, it would have been a train wreck. Since he didn't come back at all (as of today), had I not taken care of me, I'd be a train wreck.If he ever comes back, I will be in a good enough place to make a healthy decision. No train wrecks.

My wish for every LBS here. Take care of yourself well enough that you can make your best decisions for the life you want and deserve, with whomever, however you want to live it.



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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
#43: October 20, 2018, 07:48:31 PM
Quote
I can only say if I had the chance to go back, I'd have taken care of me sooner.
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Indeed. I truly wish I could go back just for this one reason... to have taken FAR better care of myself . It is the best advise ever. I have many stress related issues now from failure to do exactly this .
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
#44: October 20, 2018, 08:06:25 PM
Quote
Something that struck me recently is that the reconciled individuals who people tend to look up to the most for advice in the forum also all say "I did everything wrong." If they really did everything "wrong" then how come they are reconciled? And why are they advising people to "do as I say, and not as I did" if doing everything "wrong" still led to their reconciliation? Just something to ponder.
.

I sure have wondered about this as well. I know for a fact that at the beginning of this nightmare , I absolutely did every single thing you are not "supposed to do ". All of them... repeatedly. I had NO CLUE what was happening in my own home, in my own marriage. I was running strictly on fight or flight and whatever that created came out of my mouth . But what I truly found stunning is what the 1st therapist said to me . She said " you must have created a safe place for him to return to ".  WTF?   I am about as safe as a pirana  with rabies. Trust me when I tell you ...there was NO SAFE place created by any stretch of the imagination.  It honestly is a crap shoot..there is no other true explanation.  Or how the stars line up . Or a full moon ?. Or mating season for Iguanas ? . I do not get it. It is just further proof that it has nothing whatsoever to do with you and there is nothing you can do to change it.

I'm not the rabid piranha that you are but I totally get what you are saying. There are times I have TOTALLY blown my top, said everything I am not supposed to say, and then I am kicking myself saying why did I do that? And then I just say ok, well at least this may give us the space they say we are supposed to have because I am sure I have scared him off this time.

No! OK, he might run from me for a day and a half or so, but then he comes sniffing around, acting slightly like a wounded puppy not sure if he can approach me safely again, but then another day goes by and it's back to as it was before the blow up, except even with slight improvement in his behavior from before.

I mean I did this a few days ago, ripped into him for everything he has done, told him this isn't working for me, that he shouldn't assume I planned to stay with him. I went a lot further than I normally do in these blowups. But everything is fine again (as much as it can be considering he is in MLC).

I think you must be right it is nothing to do with us. Or that these MLCers actually make up their mind from the beginning whether they plan to stick it out with us or not and it is their destiny to do what they are going to do, come hell or high water. It may be that the ones who really want to leave just have a hard time extracting themselves for some time and the ones who want to stay have a hard time coming back for some time. And maybe what they have all in common is an inability to be decisive and do what it is they really want to do.

I know this may sound strange but I was more worried that my H might leave me completely some day before BD than I have since. In fact, he was the one running and I was the one chasing throughout our marriage and it's like the tables have sort of turned. My gut tells me though once he starts to return to his old personality I will need to do the chasing again in order to reassure him that I will accept him in spite of what he has done.
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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
#45: October 21, 2018, 06:45:38 AM
LBS1 if I in any way, shape or form made you feel like a failure by giving my advice I sincerely apologize.  We are all just finding our way on here.  I agree the most important thing you can do is take care of yourself and your children.  None of know the answers how to deal with our spouses misery, like Barbie said it’s a crap shoot.  Do what you feel is right and change it if doesn’t feel good.  I’m still learning this and will probably continue to learn it the rest of my life.  Have a good Sunday.
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Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
#46: October 21, 2018, 07:33:53 AM
Everybody here are amazing! None of you said or done anything to make me feel like a failure. I feel that way because many times I wish I just gave up about him. I do not know why I’m still waiting for him. He says that when he left he was hoping to have all of our problems resolved really quick but that my actions kept that from happening.
I know that is how they think and act but it still makes me feel like I’m the one doing what is wrong when all I’m doing is surviving a crappy situation.
Thank you for talking and giving you guys insight it helps me a lot!
I appreciate everyone’s comments. None have ever offended me.
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« Last Edit: October 21, 2018, 07:35:46 AM by Lbs1 »

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
#47: October 21, 2018, 07:51:18 AM
LBs,

Do you know if he is still texting that co-worker?  I have a reason for asking this.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
#48: October 21, 2018, 09:09:54 AM
Thunder
I do not know but he says he isn’t. I showed him a article about what infidelity means and he said that he stopped.... who knows ignore it is true or not but he has turned toward me since 08/28 and have been talking about working things out and being a couple since then. When he was talking to her he wouldn’t even talk to me
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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
#49: October 21, 2018, 09:28:10 AM
The reason I asked is it's been 7 months and he doesn't seem to be getting worse, or going into a tunnel where he is caring less and less about you.  He is also expressing love for you

Now it could he is just a slow Wallower and it will eventually get worse, but I'm beginning to wonder if your H is going through a Midlife Transition not a full blown Midlife Crisis.

I certainly don't want to get your hopes up because it's too soon to tell. If he is in a transition it may not last as long as a crisis, and possibly won't be as destructive.
That co-worker could just be part of a fantasy and won't go any further. 

It doesn't mean you treat him any different than a MLCer, all the advice is the same.  Either way he is having an identity crisis.  So still hang onto no expectations.

I guess only time will tell.
Just something to be aware of.

Can you tell us how your H has changed, other than being confused with some depression?
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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