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How Long does a Male Midlife Crisis lasts?

6 MONTHS
10 MONTHS
18 MONTHS
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Author Topic: My Story Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage  (Read 4491 times)

Offline Treasur

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My Story Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #70 on: December 06, 2018, 07:35:33 AM »
Please trust that YOU are not the crazy one, LBS, truly you're not.
But someone you are attached to is on their own crazy rollercoaster.
The only thing that will make you feel less crazy is to do anything you need to do right now to unhook your emotions and your future wellbeing from someone else's crazy.
Easy to say. Hard to do. But step by step, it does get easier with time and a bit of kindness to yourself.

If you were going to do one thing right now to unhook from the crazy, what would it be? Doesn't have to be a big thing, just one thing facing in the right direction.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #71 on: December 06, 2018, 07:40:27 AM »
MLC starts before they leave. For some, the time in crisis before they leave is short. For others it can be years, like with Stayed's husband. But we only count from BD since it is not possible to know exactly when it started before.

9 months is still very fresh to MLC world.

Don't feel guilty. Your husband probably wouldn't listen to you or want your help with his depression. All MLCers are depressed. High Energy ones have covert depression, wallowers have overt depression.

Mr J knew he was depressed. It didn't made a difference. He refused help from professionals, myself, SIl, his best friend. He left over 12 years ago and is still in Replay.

When MLCers start to go deep into the tunnel there is a period during which they come close to us, then leave, then come close. Providing they haven't been vanisher since the start or aren't totally depressed wallowers.

What you are experiencing with your MLCer is normal. His crisis may become worst before it gets better. Right now it is not possible to say much, since 9 months is a short period in MLC.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #72 on: December 06, 2018, 08:29:35 AM »
LBS,

Please don't feel bad.  They were all massively depressed but there was nothing you could have done to help.

This isn't a clinical depression where meds help, it's entirely different.

A midlife crisis is an Identity Crisis.  They have no idea who they are anymore.
Their searching for answers, in all the wrong places usually.

Until they can look inside, and do some inner work, they will never figure out the problem lies within themselves.

No one can help them with that.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #73 on: December 06, 2018, 09:17:52 AM »
Thunder,
That’s exactly how he described to me when he left....” I don’t know who I’m, I don’t have a opinion, I don’t have a say...”
What am I supposed to do? Just let him go and forget about it? It’s been 9 months and I can’t take it anymore :'(
There is hope if there is Love!

Offline Anjae

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #74 on: December 06, 2018, 09:41:17 AM »
What am I supposed to do? Just let him go and forget about it? It’s been 9 months and I can’t take it anymore :'(

I am afraid you will have to let him go. Trying to make him stay, or come back, does not work. They rebel even more if we do so.

No, not forget, but let it go.

You will have to learn how to deal with this mess. It very, very hard. And you're still in deep shock. For now, if you can, focus on yourself.

There is nothing you can do about your husband. He is depressed and, like you said, he does not know who is is. You cannot make him know. He has to find the answer on his own.

I know this is very though, we have all been there. Be strong. We're all here for you.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #75 on: December 06, 2018, 09:46:49 AM »
LBS

I feel for you as this is so hard.

The best advice I got when I went through this exact thing was ‘don’t let his crisis become your crisis’ and to detach from him. Like he is on a rollercoaster and you are sitting next to him, get off his rollercoaster. He’s the crazy one but will take you with him if you let him. You need to be strong and not take any of this personally. Even if he says things about you or your marriage, it’s all unhappiness inside of himself. It’s not you, you are normal like the rest of us dealing with a very abnormal situation.

Keep posting here, all day if it helps! Take things one day at a time.
We have all walked this and are here for you
Rose 🌹

P.S. I believe it is best to send a private message to OldPilot to get a mentor. Are you ok to do that?
« Last Edit: December 06, 2018, 09:51:16 AM by Rosetintedglasses »
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Treasur

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #76 on: December 06, 2018, 10:54:33 AM »
If it helps, LBS, in the first year or so when the idea of 'letting go' felt too big, I replaced it with 'let it be' which felt easier to me. Just the mental image of taking my hand off the steering wheel.

We all remember that sense of desparation and fear and confusion, and it is awful I know. Let it be. When in doubt, do nothing. Breathe. Distract yourself the best you can. Day at a time. Breathe a bit more.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2018, 10:57:07 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #77 on: December 06, 2018, 04:22:37 PM »
Have any of you guys seen or heard Mlcer in replay that want to go to marriage counseling? And what do you guys think of that?
There is hope if there is Love!

Offline megogirl

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #78 on: December 06, 2018, 06:32:24 PM »
Not just "heard" of it.....I lived it.

Except that he was Monstering and yelled, "I said that I would be OPEN-MINDED to marriage counseling!  NO guarantees!" 

In retrospect, he was feeling immense pressure from me/it - total MLC.  I'm just glad I never followed through with it....! 
« Last Edit: December 06, 2018, 06:40:29 PM by megogirl »

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #79 on: December 06, 2018, 06:46:24 PM »
My husband just said that we need to learn to communicate and that he wants to go to therapy. We are going next week.
My H never been a real monster to me or to our family. He is very careful with his words and never offended me with words. He do wants to know everything that happens here at our house and get frustrated when he has no idea of what we are doing. For few weeks now we are just not sharing anything with him, we don’t ask for help or anything. We are just living our lives the best we can. That really bothers him.
There is hope if there is Love!

 

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