[Nas]

If someone wants to continue to make things easy for grown adults by paving the way maintaining some sort of communication? More power to them.

It's funny, when I first arrived at HS 2.5 years ago, I skipped right over threads like this.  As a newbie, I did not want to even consider not having any contact with my H. 

But I agree with the above statement wholeheartedly and if I could go back in time, I would have gone dim/dark much sooner.  My H was really only monster for a few months after BD and was never physically abusive, but abuse comes in many forms, and gaslighting, silent treatment and diminishing us is a huge form of abuse that leaves lasting scars.  I listened to it for the first few months and it was far too long. 
I also consider it a form of emotional abuse that he provides no financial support and vanished when I was diagnosed with cancer and changed his phone number. 

It's not my responsibility now to pave the way by opening/maintaining some form of communication.  He chose to disappear (at a time when I was most vulnerable) and in my mind, reaching out to him would be akin to enabling.  It would be sending him a message that he can behave in the most selfish and cruel way and I'll still come back for more.  I think the message he needs to get (and he won't now, but maybe some day he will) is that I have enough self-respect to not allow myself to be treated so callously. 

Right now he might be relieved that I'm not contacting him, but one day he will realize that he threw away the best friend (and maybe the only true friend) he ever had.

[in it]

Hi Nas,


It's not my responsibility now to pave the way by opening/maintaining some form of communication.  He chose to disappear (at a time when I was most vulnerable) and in my mind, reaching out to him would be akin to enabling.  It would be sending him a message that he can behave in the most selfish and cruel way and I'll still come back for more.  I think the message he needs to get (and he won't now, but maybe some day he will) is that I have enough self-respect to not allow myself to be treated so callously. 

EXACTLY.


Your post sent me online to see what the story is with H's who leave their wives when they are sick.There are quite a few theories, examples, articles with the statistics and the reasons behind it.

I know of five men who stayed with their wives through their illnesses, and with the few people I do know that seems pretty good to me. One is my second cousin and the other was childhood friend of mines husband.

Currently I have a friend of 30 plus years who has MS and her H is supportive and attentive. The other two were members of my church. There might be more, that's as many as I could think of in a short time. So it does happen there are men who can deal with it.

Found online:

Book of Odds
July 28, 2013 ·
Why Do Men Leave Sick Wives? Are they just Jerks?

Jon Sobel


Thinking about leaving your spouse? You’ve got plenty of company.

Lots of people ‘fess up to intermittent thoughts of checking out of a marriage. The odds a married man occasionally thinks about leaving his wife are 1 in 4.2. Married women are even more likely to ponder the possibility: their odds are 1 in 3.3. And 1 in 10 wives think about it often (compared with only 1 in 20 husbands).

But introduce a serious illness into the marriage, and the balance shifts—a lot. A 2009 study published in the journal Cancer found men were seven times as likely to leave a wife diagnosed with brain cancer or multiple sclerosis than women were to leave a similarly afflicted husband. Specifically, 1 in 4.8 husbands left (20.8%) vs. just 1 in 34.5 wives (less than 3%).

The most famous case may be that of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who purportedly discussed divorce terms with his first wife while she was recuperating from cancer surgery. Are such men just being jerks?

It might be slightly more complicated than that. Researcher Marc C. Chamberlain, MD suggested that women might have a deeper emotional attachment to family, so that in an extremely stressful situation they’d be more likely to “hunker down and deal with it” whereas a man might be more prone to jump ship.

It seems men may have a harder time handling stress in general, and researchers have documented gender differences in stress response going all the way back to the womb. For example, the September 11, 2001 terror attacks led to a 3% increase in the number of miscarried male babies, but no increase in miscarriage for female babies. New research on the stress hormone cortisol is helping to explain why male and female fetuses respond differently to maternal stressors (like illness, smoking, or psychological trauma).
( I found this eye opening)

For males who do manage to get born and live to adulthood, oxytocin, the calming, “cuddle hormone,” becomes key. Under stress, men make less of it than women do. Women tend to respond to stress by nurturing others, seeking support for themselves, talking things over; men tend to look for an “escape,” according to psychologist Carl Pickhardt, author of The Everything Parent's Guide to Positive Discipline.

And when men have babies of their own, their response to stress can be destructive to the new family. According to wellness guru Dr. John W. Travis, there’s an “epidemic” of men abandoning their families shortly after a child is born. Some literally leave; others detach psychologically via substance abuse, or by becoming workaholics.


A final, sour note for ailing wives: new research might just have added insult to injury. When men are under stress, they don’t just distance themselves. Their mating preferences change.( )


I agree with you staying and maintaining NC ..Nas.. Frankly? You don't need the stress.

[Nas]

Very interesting article, init, thanks for sharing.

To clarify, my H left me about 2 years before I got diagnosed.  So it wasn't my cancer that made him run.  It was him being a selfish MLCer that made him run.  My cancer diagnosis just gave him an excuse to disappear without having to divorce me or provide any financial support because I was out of work, too broke to pursue any legal action and too sick to deal with the ridiculous and needless hassle of trying to get him to deal with the divorce he said he wanted.
He'd been living with the OW for exactly a year when I was diagnosed.  He was a clinger before he moved and there was off-and-on contact for the year after he moved 1000 miles away to be with her.  I got diagnosed and then he vanished.  I didn't hear from him for an entire year and at some point during that year he changed his phone number.

[in it]

I am so sorry for what you've been through..omg what a $h!tety thing for someone to do..I haven't got the vocabulary for this. I'm totally without words..disgusted comes to mind.

Someone on here had her H give his excuse/reason for leaving was...the dog was too fat.


 If I was that ow I would have run away from him like my hair was on fire.

IMHO what the om/ow that get involved with these Mlcers believe is:

"Oh he/she wouldn't do that to me".

They think they are different, special somehow. The same thing will happen to them...sometimes it's worse.

[Nas]

IMHO what the om/ow that get involved with these Mlcers believe is:

"Oh he/she wouldn't do that to me".

They think they are different, special somehow. The same thing will happen to them...sometimes it's worse.

I really hope so.  I'm not ashamed to admit I wish no happiness for the OW, even though it was my H who left me high and dry.  She's despicable nonetheless.  But after 4 years (1 year of EA, 1 year of long distance PA and 2 years living together), I don't see this relationship ending.  I have stopped believing in karma, so the only thing I can do is hope to get well and hope to be able rebuild my life to some level of "okay-ness" and just cut off all access to me so that H lives his life and I don't have to see any of it, whether it's good or bad.

[in it]

Well it did take years..but after my first marriage ended ( no children )I was very young.He left me for someone else.I had no contact with him.
I found this out years later.
He did marry the ow.. had a child.I guess this child had gotten to be around 3 or so.
His business relocated out of the US so he was traveling there spending some time..flying back amd forth.
He started a whole other family in that country! The ow/W only found out becuse she got a credit card bill with baby clothes charged on it.
So you see I was glad I was me and not her.

[Nina2002]

I'm definitely still struggling to try and limit my contact with H.  Saturday our daughter wanted to lunch with us, together as a family, so we did.  It went well, later I ended up looking through his phone, and he flipped out, as usual, but I don't care.  He will state, as always "This is why I won't come back to you, because I'm not going to live like this, you looking through my phone, etc."  I always say ok, but that's how it'd have to be. 

I know he can contact her other ways, and if he truly wanted to be with her, if we got back together, he would see OW if he wanted to. 

I already tried it several times "his way", and not being so worried about what he was doing or where he was going, but that didn't work either.  So, my  boundaries would be, if I wanted to look at his phone, etc.  He would give me those things without hesitation if he truly felt remorseful and wanted his family back 100%, but he doesn't act like that, and therefore I won't come back.  I won't put me and our daughter through that again.

Part of me still believes we are meant to be together, but other parts of me, I think I'm crazy to even think that. 

He was pretty mean to me last night, but that's because I guess I'm just the easiest target for him to take all his frustrations and anger out on.  He already tried calling me this morning, right on cue, and I did not answer.  I know he will text me later, acting as if nothing has happened.

And boy the things he and his OW text each other.  So ridiculous.  She completely lies to him, and him to her, its so crazy.  I really don't know why they think THAT is love?

Him lying to me, of course he does, all the time, but I'm not an idiot on that level and know pretty much all he does is lie anymore.  He can't even remember what lies he's told anymore, but he still is my husband and it feels so hopeless that I cannot help him through this and I won't be until he wants that help 100% and work on us. 

It saddens me very much to know this could last for years, with that said, I know I have to try my best to keep going day by day to go on with my life as if he is no longer in it.  It's just very hard accepting that right now, but I'm trying my best to get there.

[Thunder]

Aw you will get there, Nina.

None of us could detach right away.  I don't think that's possible.  Especially all the contact you have.
It takes a long time.

You know you don't have to play "happy family" with him.  Just tell you D that you and her dad are taking a break (time out) right now, but you would gladly take her out to lunch and have a girls lunch.  (All said in a cheery voice).

[in it]

I agree..limit your contact with him. Your D doesn't really understand what this entails between the two of you. I know it isn't easy to say no but you must for your own well being.

Playing "happy family" isn't what real.

You know some of what you need in order to trust him again. Him freely granting access to his phone is one of those things.  He isn't ready to do this. And you may have to face the reality he might not ever be.

Have you ever tried or been totally NC?

[Nina2002]

Yes, I went a little over two weeks, maybe two months in after it begun, and he blew up my phone everyday with texts and calls.  He wanted to talk, he was sorry, all the things one wants to hear.  I finally caved, we went back home, but in less than 48 hours he contacted her.  That happened like three more times and then me and D finally had enough, we moved out and live with my brother since.  I tried going back one another time, not to live, just trying again, and he failed again.  So haven't TRIED again since Mother's Day. 

Contact has been off and on since.  It's VERY HARD to not talk to him, especially when he texts me all the time saying things that make me cave.

So haven't talked to him today, but like I said, right on cue, he just texted about 30 minutes ago texting "Thinking of ya".

It makes me so mad that he can act as if last night didn't happen, being so mean to me, not caring about my feelings at all, or that's how it feels anyways. 

And I know he acts more mean with me when he is going to go be with OW.  Also, OW has NO idea how much we talk to still are intimate, I truly think she believes we've been "over" for a long time now, OR she just wants to pretend that that's not happening, and their just living in their own little la la land bubble still.

I know D doesn't understand everything that's going on, she's almost 16, so she's not dumb, I think her and I are both the same, we just don't understand all this, and probably never will.  We just don't know how he can pretend we both don't exist, but wants us to exist when HE wants.  He's very selfish, it's crazy how a person can change in such an instant. 

Unfortunately, I think he is starting to get really depressed, he always looks so tired.  He just doesn't seem happy, and it makes me sad to see him like this.  Just wish he could for once put his pride and shame aside and be a better him, even if it doesn't mean to be back with me.