Author Topic: Discussion Why no name for the OW pal?  (Read 764 times)

Offline mitten

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Discussion Re: Why no name for the OW pal?
« Reply #30 on: August 16, 2018, 02:57:49 PM »
After hearing the pain of my D7 tonight who told me that every night she spent with her dad at his sister house last week he went  to see OW- I am unable to pray for OW or H right now. Nor am I able to legitimise a relationship by using her name after seeing the sacrifice H is willing to make (the unretriviable pain he is causing his own children) for this sick addictive relationship. D7 woke several times asking her aunt where her dad was and being told he’s gone to the shops and then staying awake waiting for him with anxiety that he would stay with her and not return home  :'(!

Both D7 & D9 told me that he spent all his time on the phone to OW and even caught him FaceTiming her on the sneak and buying her gifts. I asked them why they can’t tell their dad about how they feel and they said they are scared that if they upset him he will chose her and her kids and they will never see him again... I’m scared that this may not be an irrational fear at all.

How can any woman who is a mother herself not say to H- stay with your children (he’s only had the 2 weeks out of 6 of the holidays) and has sent them to his parents in another town for several nights!

Yes I know these are H’s choices but I hold them both accountable. I also know how OW is personality disordered and very insecure that H will return to me. So she would have hated that H had his children at his sisters house which is around the corner from our house where I was alone. She would have been terrified of H coming in contact with me!

Tonight I’m praying for myself and my children...there’s no room to pray for H or OW who have already sold their souls to the devil....they are a lost cause as far as I’m concerned at the moment.
Married a loving and devoted husband and father.
No clue he didnt love until BD.
Complete change overnight in to monster.
Live in monster for 8 weeks.
Moved out to sisters Oct 2017
OW discovered as soon as he moved out- older by 10 years, worked for him as cleaner and laundry woman.  Is extremely manipulative. Has 4 children and divorced twice. EA for approx 2 years not sure how long PA.
Has been living with OW since xmas day.
Has confirmed relationship with her through solicitor and going through process of divorce (not wanted by me)

Online Nerissa

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Re: Why no name for the OW pal?
« Reply #31 on: August 16, 2018, 03:17:39 PM »
Are we allowed to pray for a sudden onset of alopaecia maybe?  Not life threatening, but...

Offline Anjae

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Re: Why no name for the OW pal?
« Reply #32 on: August 16, 2018, 05:44:35 PM »
I think I once called something less kind to OW1 after I knew who she was. But that was it. I refered to her by name and so did Mr J. Not that he talked much about her. We knew her before she was OW1. It would be weird not to refer her by name.

Mr J never used we for him and OW1. Think once or twice he say OW1 and I. OW2 name showed on Mr J divorce court cases as his "current companion" or "the person Mr J lives with".

I give it to the Universe. Calling names to OW only giver her power and means we are wasting our energy with her.

Most talks I had with Mr J when he left were about music, film, art, our kittens, no need to mention OW.

I also know how OW is personality disordered and very insecure that H will return to me.

Is she has a personality disorder, then your husband is with someone who has issues. Just like he has. Probably the reason why they are with each other. An healthy person would not want a MLCer.

Are we allowed to pray for a sudden onset of alopaecia maybe?  Not life threatening, but...

Think that is to bring bad karma upon us... pray for her to find the light, leave the MLCer, and lead a happy life with someone single.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Defying_Gravity

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Re: Why no name for the OW pal?
« Reply #33 on: August 17, 2018, 03:14:06 AM »
H used her name. They are coworkers and used to be just friends. Before the A. I guess after BD he said her name twice or thrice to me. On other occasions he did use "she". After BD, in conversations with H I referred to her as: that woman, she or her. I never wanted to say her name out loud again. She didn't deserve it.

I did sometimes say her name, but that is because one of my coworkers has the same name and one of my cycling team mates has the same name too (it is a very common name). But when I was talking about her, I refused to say it!

When I talk to my friends about her I refer to her as troll! In the beginning it was Chewbacca, but I saw it as an insult for Chewie. Since then it has been troll. I never said this to H though, no use in that. I call H Mr. Toad sometimes. So my name calling isn't reserved for her  ;).
Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing. D process will start at 9/11/2018

Online Thunder

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Re: Why no name for the OW pal?
« Reply #34 on: August 17, 2018, 03:39:10 AM »
I do think Anjae has a point.

Calling them names does give them power, or importance, they don't deserve.  Waste of energy.

I liked Nah's idea of just calling her "the girl."  It sounds so dismissive.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Defying_Gravity

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Re: Why no name for the OW pal?
« Reply #35 on: August 17, 2018, 04:53:57 AM »
I do think Anjae has a point.

Calling them names does give them power, or importance, they don't deserve.  Waste of energy.

I liked Nah's idea of just calling her "the girl."  It sounds so dismissive.   :)

I understand what you mean. But for me it is what works. Lately I'm even starting to think she might be worse of than I am. Because the version of H she is getting, isn't a very good one. I can already laugh with that part. I think about what his life goals are and how he is failing at all of them. And then I think well it will be a great life for her being with a 39-year old man who hasn't reached any of the goals he set up for himself (starting a successful business, owning a house with a garden, getting children ...), who has to rent an apartment, has loans for his business that is failing at this moment, hates his job but stays there because of her and who's big life plan is to win the lottery so he can reach his goals. That is if she leaves her H for him of course, because up until now she still hasn't!

So no I don't think she has a lot of power. But I get what you are saying  :).

Me: 33
H: 39
T: 9 M: almost 3
No kids, been trying to conceive for almost 3 years (with a one year break in between)
BD1: December 2017, OW sends inappropriate texts to H. H keeps this a secret until I discover it. Basically EA
March 2018: H claims having doubts about our R
BD2: April 2018: H wants a divorce and ILYBINILWY
A with OW, probably PA but no confirmation. OW is still married
H left home. I'm no longer standing. D process will start at 9/11/2018

Offline ChrissYAH

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Re: Why no name for the OW pal?
« Reply #36 on: August 17, 2018, 05:03:01 AM »
I don't get it if they get the lunatic version of these men how to they put up with it? are these hags THAT desperate??? apparently the hag x married thinks he's hilarious  ::)

Online Thunder

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Re: Why no name for the OW pal?
« Reply #37 on: August 17, 2018, 05:22:04 AM »
I always think the best way to look at it is, they spent their youth with us.  They can try all they want to regain their youth, but it's gone.  Over.
So whoever they end up with will never be able to share their youth with them.  It was spent with us, so all they get is a middle aged person, who had a lot of history with someone else.

They will never be able to reminisce over things they did with us when they were young, with them.   Places we went together, funny/silly experiences, friends, children, intimate times, family events, etc..  All that history.  All those memories.

These ow's/om's have to start from scratch with a confused middle aged person who isn't even themselves any more.

I'd say the LBS got the better deal.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online nah

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Re: Why no name for the OW pal?
« Reply #38 on: August 17, 2018, 05:38:45 AM »
I believe if name calling helps you vent, sure, do it...

But, let’s put ourselves in the ow shoes for a moment (yuck)

No matter how long they are together, even if they get married and have babies, we are in their heads, for life.

I would rather be a mysterious shadow, someone who couldn’t be bothered with name calling or drive bys, or crying for him to come back...

That would put me on her level,...

How about if I’m surrounded by fabulous friends?... travel to exotic places, continue my education and push myself to an exciting career, new hobbies such as painting, writing, playing that instrument that you always wanted to try??

Isn’t that the person you would be more intimidated by? 

About two years ago I happened to bump into The Leaver and his girl at a lunch place. I was with two male coworkers and I was dressed in business attire. The girl was in sweats and a stained T-shirt. She actually turned away and put her head down while The Leaver and I chatted. The guys I was with couldn’t stop laughing at the comparison. 

That’s exactly how I want it to be...

Let other people call her trashy names... My life is too busy for that
H-53
me-51
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher

Offline Nas

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Re: Why no name for the OW pal?
« Reply #39 on: August 17, 2018, 06:50:55 AM »
When I first found out about OW, I called her a wh*r^ about 300 times.  H never once stuck up for her.
The last time I saw him in person, when he came over to tell me he was moving 1100 miles to be with her, I called her selfish.  He immediately looked down at his feet.

Since then, I've acted like she doesn't exist.  Because to me, she doesn't.


I understand what you mean. But for me it is what works. Lately I'm even starting to think she might be worse of than I am. Because the version of H she is getting, isn't a very good one... hasn't reached any of the goals he set up for himself (starting a successful business, owning a house with a garden, getting children ...), who has to rent an apartment, has loans for his business that is failing at this moment...



Well, in describing your "loser" H, you could basically be describing me at the moment.  :-[
 Please don't take this as a dig, because I actually mean it to help.  The things you have described about your H are not what make him an MLC mess.  Those are likely a large part of the reason he is in MLC, because he feels bad about himself for not achieving what he wanted to. 

I'd just caution you not to let your anger at this MLC crap allow you to belittle your H for the things that actually make him human.  Yes, he's a sh*t right now, but his failures don't make him a sh*t.  What makes him a sh*t is the fact that he chose to deal with his failures by betraying you and behaving like an utter jackass. 
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

 

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