Author Topic: My Story Roadside America-If you see a fork in the road, take it  (Read 3970 times)

Offline Tyks

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1742
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: Roadside America-If you see a fork in the road, take it
« Reply #100 on: February 07, 2019, 09:06:32 AM »
OR, I don't think you are being selfish at all for not wanting to be the caretaker - we are on a site that suggests self-care, are we not? 

My dad didn't want to go to a nursing home so he lived with me until HE decided that it would become to burdensome, then he moved to a nursing home for his final days. 

Anyway, I wish you luck in whatever you decide - hard place to be in for sure.
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7069
  • Gender: Female
Re: Roadside America-If you see a fork in the road, take it
« Reply #101 on: February 07, 2019, 09:28:42 AM »
Someone reminded me when I was trying to figure out options for my mother that there is no good solution, just the best of a set of less than good ones. And that helped me.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Savoir Faire

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5121
  • Gender: Female
Re: Roadside America-If you see a fork in the road, take it
« Reply #102 on: February 14, 2019, 02:51:18 AM »
Sorry to hear your mother is getting to a stage where she needs more care OR.

Sounds like her doctors were negligent with her medication.  Is there any chance of getting some physiotherapy at home to help with mobility?  Makes things very difficult when she can't get around easily. I'm not sure why they sent her home with a catheter?  I hope they trialed her without it before they made that decision?

Did the hospital offer to get services for your mother before discharge?  They social workers are usually very good with this, I am surprised they let her home without good support from trained staff to support you.

If she can't cope, take her back to the hospital via the Emergency Department and once she is admitted, they have a duty of care to make sure she is well enough to go home and can cope alone, even if you and your sister help out.  If she can't cope, they have to help with the services she needs or find her a place to live in assisted living.  These services should be available even if you are living with her, you can't be expected to provide all her needs, 24/7.  You can refuse to take her home until they do so.  Legally, you are in the best place when she's an inpatient - they have to listen to your concerns and make sure you voice them loud and clear. Seems like it's time to learn how to play the system OR  ;)

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline OffRoadTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3241
  • Gender: Female
Re: Roadside America-If you see a fork in the road, take it
« Reply #103 on: March 15, 2019, 01:20:04 PM »
Thank you all for your support. This has been a very trying time for me. I do want to note that I find it interesting that my considering to take my mother, whom I do not actually even like, into my house and have her go to Adult day care so she could keep her dog was considered being selfish. To each their own.  I don’t consider not wanting to be a caregiver selfish, simply self-aware. What I want and what I do are different things.

Mitzpah, thank you for your commiseration. We don’t always want to do things, but often end up doing them anyway. It doesn’t mean we like it and that it isn’t a difficult decision to make. It’s nice to feel understood.

SB, Thank you for your understanding and support. I wish you the same for when you get to this point. It is not easy.

R2T, I looked into what we have that is like Homestead here. My mother brought in $300 too much to qualify here. I understood my mother’s desire to stay home, (actually not really, but I have to guess it’s the familiarity of the environment and I accepted it). But I could see her heading downhill at warp speed. I seemed to be the only one who saw it, though. And yes, blood is not thicker than water to me either. My mother’s mother was an incredible woman, and I had no issues helping her out, but she also was willing to help herself. That makes it easy when they at least want to help themselves. When someone just wants (not NEEDS) you to wait on them hand and foot, it becomes intolerable for me.

Thanks for stopping by Brain, I appreciate it.

Thank you, Tyks. That must have been a lot of extra work and my hat is off to you.

There could have been a good solution, Treasur, but I guess that wasn’t meant to be. If only my mother had taken care of herself, or the house was in any condition for a live in caregiver or she been OK with assisted living or, or, or. But good solutions are not always the ones that people see or accept or maybe are not good enough for them. I’ve always said, if I could decide myself, it’d be easy. But it’s not just my life. That’s when it gets hard.

SF-the remainder of the story is in the next journal.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline OffRoadTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3241
  • Gender: Female
Re: Roadside America-If you see a fork in the road, take it
« Reply #104 on: March 15, 2019, 01:21:56 PM »
My mother had long term health care insurance. So I looked in to daily caregivers. We found a good company and managed to find two caregivers that my mother liked ok and got along with the dog. We had them scheduled for 4-6 hours a day to cover the bulk of work hours, and my sister, myself and my niece filled in the rest of what was needed. My mother was capable of being alone for 8 hours at night as we had moved a bed downstairs to the family room and had a bedside commode and she could manage that. But she would not do her physical therapy exercises; she would just lay in bed or occasionally sat up in bed. We tried encouraging her to use her walker (she tried twice), then to use her motorized cart in the house (and that was a major cleanup to get a path from the family room to the kitchen and bathroom). She tried the cart once. We bought a wheel chair that you can use your feet for moving around, so we could wheel her to the computer and she could move her legs. That worked twice as well. (The adventures in caregiving are kind of amusing, and I may relate those at a later date)

Then she stopped eating. I had seen this before with my grandmother. I knew her body was shutting down. My mother had the magical thinking that she would just get better eventually. My sister thought if our mother would just do her exercises and eat, she’d be OK. It doesn’t usually work that way. Then, one of my mother’s feet swelled up. The caregiver for that day showed it to me when I got there and said she was concerned for a blood clot. It’s unusual to have a blood clot in just the foot, but I could see no sign of a break in the skin to cause an infection. We had to wait for the Assessor for the Long Term health care insurance to come out and assess her (a previous appointment), and then my sister took her to the hospital. I followed after locking up and taking care of the dog.

It was an infection, but even though they got it under control the following day, she still refused to eat, and was now unable to get out of bed at all. She had nightmares when she slept that she was strangling. The doctors said there was nothing more they could do, and suggested Hospice at the hospital (Medicare would pay for it). However, when the nurse went in to talk to my mom about this, my mother said “I thought I was going to get better before I died.” She still had no idea how sick she was despite not being able to get out of bed, despite not eating, despite developing a palsied shake all over her body, despite not being able to stay awake at this point for longer than an hour. She thought she would get better and go home. I told her if she got better, she didn’t have to stay on Hospice and she could go home, which was the truth. It seemed to make her feel better.

I texted my kids to let them know the situation, so they could call or do whatever they needed to do. My son hitched a ride with a friend and arrived at the hospital last night. My daughter asked me what I needed, did I want her to come out now, or did I want her to wait for the funeral so she could help clear out my mom’s house. She asked if my mother was lucid enough to talk on the phone, and while her intelligence is there, even in person her motor coordination is so bad she can barely be understood. I told D I’d call her if there was a moment when she was able to talk and understand. And that in truth, it would be helpful to have her after the funeral. (My mother was not incredibly close with my kids, she was too busy doing not much of anything to be a grandmother to them, but my kids wanted to have a relationship with her)

So here we sit, on deathwatch. They can’t move her to hospice until Monday, and I don’t think she will make it that long. It’s like once she realized she was actually dying, it took the fight out of her. And I honestly don’t think that is such a bad thing, as she continually feels like she is suffocating (COPD) and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 01:28:37 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Hawkeye

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6440
  • Gender: Male
Re: Roadside America-If you see a fork in the road, take it
« Reply #105 on: March 15, 2019, 02:26:51 PM »
OR, I'm sorry that your mother's condition is so much more serious than anyone knew. I'm sure it's difficult for you, even though your relationship with your mother was somewhat troubled. Perhaps a piece of pie might help? :)

My thoughts will be with you and your family. Please keep us updated if you can.

Offline Mitzpah

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5968
  • Gender: Female
  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
Re: Roadside America-If you see a fork in the road, take it
« Reply #106 on: March 15, 2019, 02:40:42 PM »
OffRoad,

I had been wondering about how things were. I am sorry you are facing this even though it is something most of us have to face at some time or another.

I hope peace will be found both for you and for your mother - the drowning/suffocating sensation must be awful for her. And awful to watch, too.

Hugs
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Hawkeye

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6440
  • Gender: Male
Re: Roadside America-If you see a fork in the road, take it
« Reply #107 on: March 15, 2019, 03:21:44 PM »
Can they do CPAP or BiPAP for her? They can make COPD patients more comfortable.

Offline Shelly7435

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 786
  • Gender: Female
Re: Roadside America-If you see a fork in the road, take it
« Reply #108 on: March 15, 2019, 07:00:33 PM »
I’m so sorry. 
M 52
H 47
M 12 years; together 17 years
D17, S27
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7069
  • Gender: Female
Re: Roadside America-If you see a fork in the road, take it
« Reply #109 on: March 15, 2019, 10:39:04 PM »
I'm so sorry, OR, none of this is easy I know.
But I'm glad your kids stepped up to support you.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.