Author Topic: My Story To Male LBS'ers  (Read 1606 times)

Offline YariTopic starter

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My Story Re: To Male LBS'ers
« Reply #20 on: September 16, 2018, 01:24:54 PM »
Thanks all...this really is a great support network.  I have to say that i am greatly saddened by the reality that it doesnt appear that there are very many successful returns.  I have been keeping my 5 children informed about all of this information and they are beginning to come to the realization that things may not work out as well.  It is a truly terrible time for us all.  My only positive is there does not appear to be OM that we are aware of.  I dont even know if thats a positive....wow.

Offline MKnight10

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Re: To Male LBS'ers
« Reply #21 on: September 16, 2018, 02:00:50 PM »
Yari - I wouldn't let a lack of stories of successful/unsuccessful returns of female MLCers dampen your spirits.

I expect its difficult to collate such data and how could exact statistics be known?

Do things for you. Sort out any issues you have within yourself. I lacked patience...I'm working on that and doing quite well.....do things for yourself. Go and see friends, travel, spend time with your kids, eat well, sleep well and concentrate on you.

You cant control anyone but you. Leave her alone. Give her time and space. Take the pressure off.

Relax. Breathe. I'm told its a marathon, not a sprint. Its gonna take time. Keep posting buddy. 

Offline megogirl

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Re: To Male LBS'ers
« Reply #22 on: September 16, 2018, 03:58:11 PM »
Perhaps Yari could benefit from denjef31's threads, too?!?

Offline CrackedGranite

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Re: To Male LBS'ers
« Reply #23 on: September 16, 2018, 04:09:37 PM »
If it helps...

Yari,

You are not alone.  The pain and confusion is our minds reeling from the tearing of our reality, our safety, our very soul.  I want to know why it takes so long to accept our new realities.  Time...Time...Time...it takes so much bleeding time to move forward, to gain perspective, to rebuild, to be more than a shadow of ourselves before Bomb Drop.

You are likely carrying the weight of the world upon your shoulders.  We all fall to our knees. in beginning we stay down, but slowly we learn to stand up, then we fall again and again we struggle to stand...and so it goes, but each cycle makes us a bit wiser,  a bit stronger.  Please take the time you need to gain your wind back and do it without guilt.  Do what you need to do for Yari.

Sometimes I think of this new life as like being in a plane flying thru a thunderstorm, suddenly there is a blinding bolt of lightning, the plane shudders, the cabin looses pressure, the air is escaping and I am starting to feel sick and dizzy.  Then the Oxygen mask drops down in front of me, my instinct is to put it on my W first, possibly sacrifice myself, but I need to put in on myself first. Only then will I have the strength to help others if they need it.

I used to mind wrestle the "stats" too.  As this thread started by questioning the differences between the sexes, I think one of the first things I read was that us dude LBSr's tend to drop our stands sooner than the gals.  Don't know if that is a true stat, but I can see it.  Time will tell if we are lucky enough to move the "stat" needle toward the positive.

Offline megogirl

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Re: To Male LBS'ers
« Reply #24 on: September 16, 2018, 04:18:07 PM »
I think one of the first things I read was that us dude LBSr's tend to drop our stands sooner than the gals.

This is absolutely correct.

The reason: women are likelier to forgive infidelity than men.

« Last Edit: September 16, 2018, 04:52:51 PM by megogirl »

Offline Lastresort

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Re: To Male LBS'ers
« Reply #25 on: September 17, 2018, 03:19:41 AM »
I think one of the first things I read was that us dude LBSr's tend to drop our stands sooner than the gals.

This is absolutely correct.

The reason: women are likelier to forgive infidelity than men.



I have had this same conversation with thunder before.    I think for men it's a pride thing we view our wives as a trophy something we brag about but when they cheat that's ruined for us internally and it cant come back.  Not say this is for everyone one just my opinion.   

Offline Lastresort

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Re: To Male LBS'ers
« Reply #26 on: September 17, 2018, 03:25:58 AM »
Hi Yari,


I'm with most here time and distance makes it a lot better.  Once I moved out the ministering gradually stopped because I wasnt there to take and I stopped taking it.    I went no contact with her stopped feeding her bull$h!te and stopped believe her twisted truth.    Every day I got better and better.  You dont realize it until one day you wake up and it hits you wow I was a wreck 2 months ago now I got this.     
I stopped my stand she got her divorce and lives with the OM. She tries to control me different ways but I dont pay attention anymore.    I read a saying it said you can only divorce someone once and it's TRUE so when she gets mad and frustrated I think yo myself what is the worst she can do she already divorced me she cant hurt me anymore.  That allows me not to give in to her control and let's me make my decisions and you know what I am a lot happier now.

Online FromAbroad

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Re: To Male LBS'ers
« Reply #27 on: September 17, 2018, 03:44:28 AM »
I have also done a lot of thinking about this.

I believe the ratio of female MLC vs male MLC is more even then you would think looking at the stories here on the board. Reading through the stories it seems it is mainly a male problem with an occasional story of a female MLC-er. I strongly believe a lot of male LBS-ers are done immediatly at BD after finding out about OM. They don't even care that it all doesn't add up. Indeed it is a pride thing and there is no turning back after the infidelity.

I even think it works both ways. A woman wants a strong man that can protect them. And even though we show our strength by standing and setting our pride aside, a part of the image she used to have about us is lost.

A lot of this is based upon how society looks at it. I do believe we shouldn't let ourselves rule by the way society looks at things. We should do what we believe ourselves. But to be honest for me I still don't know how I will cope will she return. I have forgiven her. But the pride does play a part. The part I find most difficult is that she openly shared our story with everybody and I mean everybody. Co-workers, friends, students, just everybody. They all knew about her infidelity from day 1, even before me. She told everybody the rewritten version of our M. Bragged about OM. So even if we will be together oneday. It will always be: "Ah look they are happy again, but remember what she said about OM, what she did?" I know it is all on her and I shouldn't be ashamed. But is is hard and definitly a pride thing. Sometimes I would just like to move to another country would we reconcile, just start fresh.

But hey let's not worry about that. We aren't even close to reconciling. First let's work on me. Detaching and building self-esteem, surely the pride thing also has to do with our shattered self-esteem.
M 39
W 37
D12 D5
15Y Marriage

08-2017 BD1 - ILYBINILWY speech, OM which she knew for 1 week and had seen for just 1 hour
11-2017 - Moved back in
05-2018 BD2 - Seeing OM again.
06-2018 - I leave the house

No D up untill now, but soon will be I guess.
Still standing

Online Helpingme!

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Re: To Male LBS'ers
« Reply #28 on: September 17, 2018, 03:54:51 AM »
Hello Yari
It's been about years for me. Wife is still at home. Never left.
Said D was too complicated. Ha.
I agree that male LBS tends to move on sooner than females. But I definetly wouldn't let those odds affect how you move forward.
Best thing is to just let her go. I fought it. Cried, begged, you name it. I did it. Didn't help, made it all worse.
She would get mad at me saying I was making it about me!!!
Like I was trying to take her crisis away from her.
It was over a year before I finally just said the hell with it. I quit. I just quit trying to win her back. Trying to help her. I basically said if she wants me, she can come get me. We live like roommates.  Best way I can explain it.

Yari alot of it has to do with us. Please don't think I'm saying we are.the reason for it or the reason one will return or not return. But we are in control of What we do. I'm still standing. And I'm still thinking positive I will get my wife back. That may change tomorrow, but I'm still here today.

You have got some great advice man. Just let her be. Kids, and grandkids aren't going anywhere. Just live on . Hang in there Yari.

Offline MKnight10

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Re: To Male LBS'ers
« Reply #29 on: September 17, 2018, 04:49:42 AM »
Quote
Yari alot of it has to do with us. Please don't think I'm saying we are.the reason for it or the reason one will return or not return.

Can you explain what you mean please.

I didn’t ask for any of this. I’ve done everything I possibly can and more to save my marriage and nothing has worked. She couldn’t care less and has practically said so. Less is more for me now.

I have just been myself. Yeah I’m not perfect and I have my faults but can you go into more detail of what has to to do with us, the LBSer please.

 

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