Author Topic: My Story Don't know how I got here 4  (Read 2414 times)

Offline UrsaMajor

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My Story Re: Don't know how I got here 4
« Reply #20 on: October 18, 2018, 06:46:59 AM »
I'm guessing the excuse is that he couldn't put any money into retirement because he paid our mortgage.

Ok - that was all he paid - I paid all the other bills - phones, internet, cable, electric, gas, dance lessons, piano lessons, school fees, summer camps, car insurance, health and life insurance for all of 3 of us.

But I'm guessing he has forgotten that part of it. Or where I paid off a crap load of tickets that had gone to warrant and he got pulled over and arrested. Or the we borrowed money form my dad to get into our house and keep our house after we almost lost it after my mom died.

So yeah - I wasted my money or at least that's what he says.

This should ALL go into the calculations then ....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline cowgirlslayerTopic starter

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Re: Don't know how I got here 4
« Reply #21 on: October 18, 2018, 11:08:24 AM »
Hoping it will but not sure.

Meet with attorney next week.

Can't believe he being such a jerk.
M-48
H-43
D-13
Married 18 years - together 20
BD - 7/17
ILYBINILWY - 7/17
Asked for Divorce - 9/17
Sold home and moved out  - 1/18

Offline cowgirlslayerTopic starter

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Re: Don't know how I got here 4
« Reply #22 on: October 19, 2018, 09:41:37 AM »
So my life moves forward. Not sure how this is all going to go. I have gone NC with XH. Yep see how mature I am - I am already cutting myself loose from him.

All contact has been going through D13. She is old enough to tell him her schedule - if she would just download that stupid calendar he insisted on - BUT NEVER USES.

I'm sure sadness will hit sometime but right now I am too mad to care. I am royally pissed and I don't see it changing anytime soon. This was like the last straw. He can't take it back or make it better or apologize enough (not that he would).

M-48
H-43
D-13
Married 18 years - together 20
BD - 7/17
ILYBINILWY - 7/17
Asked for Divorce - 9/17
Sold home and moved out  - 1/18

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Don't know how I got here 4
« Reply #23 on: October 19, 2018, 11:00:19 AM »
NC is the way to go and D is totally old enough to deal with him herself.
Keep the mad to keep going and fight for what is rightfully yours.
Whenever sadness hits, at least you know you gave it your all.

Hang in there Cowgirl.
Let us know how it goes with the lawyer next week.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Don't know how I got here 4
« Reply #24 on: October 19, 2018, 07:57:52 PM »
Sorry to read that your retirement is something he's fighting for.   

I'm going to hope that it doesn't work out the way he wants it to once it gets to the legal level. 

I certainly understand your anger, Cowgirl. 

After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline cowgirlslayerTopic starter

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Re: Don't know how I got here 4
« Reply #25 on: October 24, 2018, 06:50:26 AM »
I am struggling today.

I feel so angry and sad that I just can't breathe.

I feel like the last 20 years of my life were a lie.

I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Financially - XH is destroying my future. I won't be able to retire. He will probably find a way for me to end up paying him money. I see him trying to get out of paying child support. I see him claiming D13 on taxes. I just see the worst right now.

He will be living in a house that was bought with my money and living a life that I earned and there is nothing I can do about it.
M-48
H-43
D-13
Married 18 years - together 20
BD - 7/17
ILYBINILWY - 7/17
Asked for Divorce - 9/17
Sold home and moved out  - 1/18

Offline Whyus

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Re: Don't know how I got here 4
« Reply #26 on: October 24, 2018, 06:55:50 AM »
Breath cowgirl breath. All totally normal Feelings, especially "I feel like the last 20 years of my life were a lie." and "Financially - XH is destroying my future."
"OUR" home is also sold, the Money (our future, our Kids inheritance) is being blown away (mostly by ExW), im trying to handle my Money reasonably except for the big Holiday and a couple of Guitars  8).

Chin up, your thinking of the worst Scenario of Course, we all do.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Don't know how I got here 4
« Reply #27 on: October 24, 2018, 07:22:49 AM »
Take some deep breathes Cowgirl.
The 20 years were not a lie, if they were??? It wouldn't hurt.
Try and get back on a positive side. One day at a time Cowgirl.

Online Treasur

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Re: Don't know how I got here 4
« Reply #28 on: October 24, 2018, 07:48:38 AM »
Cowgirl, I have no answers only the reassurance of the same questions sometimes.
I am having a grim PTSD non-breathing day here myself...so let's belly breathe together. In for 3 and out for 3.

Was 20 years a lie? I think that's why we come here and want MLC to be an explanation. Because it is crazy making to be attacked and devalued by someone who seems unrecognisable. I don't know the answer. I wish I did. Logically, the answer is no...but perhaps it wasn't the whole truth. Or no...but something happened to change our spouse's perspective. But thinking that and feeling it are different aren't they? And if our spouse thinks so or doesn't think about it all? Well again intellectually we know our bit wasn't a lie but emotionally that doesn't always feel enough does it? A bit of us wants to be validated by the very person who put a question mark over it...which obviously isn't going to work...so all we can do I think is live with the bits we know and the bits we don't. Remind yourself of the bits you know independently...the experiences you had, your daughter's existence. Those things are real and do not depend on your h's head or valuation. And he has lost you whereas you have only lost a person capable of acting this way...definitely the better side of the deal goes to you imho.

And if it was a lie, a question I've asked myself? Then our spouses threw their own lives away and are profoundly f'd up humans whether we are around or not; there is a black hole in their humanity we did not cause if people can fake who they are for so long day to day. And it is all the more reason to make sure our next 20 years are as real and honest as we can make them. But rationally, the most likely answer is mostly no, it wasn't a lie but there were bits we didn't know and something big changed in our spouses...maybe MLC, maybe something else...and if that's true, then our spouses destroyed something mostly good and hurt people who cared about them. Which is absolutely their tragedy and if they were sane decent adults, they would cry about it as much as we do and behave decently. But I suspect that hurts to look at, as it does for us, and so they run and blame and whine to escape looking at it. Like a lost garden of Eden if you realise you were your own snake  :)

And the other fears? They are reasonable concerns but not inevitable. There are things you can do which might reduce the likelihood. And if they do happen anyway? Some might matter more than others in the longer-term. Some may be fixable in a different way. Some may be telling you that you need a different strategy right now or a different kind of support or new info. Some are just the understandable emotion of not wanting to 'lose'...or perhaps even more not wanting your h to 'win' maybe? And some may be the markers of a life you planned but is possibly no longer worth having given the price you and your daughter would pay.

Sit with how you feel, let it run round and scream. Breathe.
And then identify three things you can DO today that you CAN control or influence.
I'm right with you in the same seat, my friend, and as often happens, my words to you are a self-returning loving kick up my own a$$ so thank you for being so honest about how you feel today.
« Last Edit: October 24, 2018, 07:57:39 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline cowgirlslayerTopic starter

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Re: Don't know how I got here 4
« Reply #29 on: October 24, 2018, 01:05:21 PM »
Well - survived the visit to the attorney's office.

The plan is try mediation - which might or might not work - but first....

File a temporary child support order for more that the state allowance based on standard of life style. And temporary restraining order - basically says he can't make major changes, acquire debt, make disparaging remarks about me etc basically a code of conduct for XH as we move through this.

I guess the hope is if he takes part of retirement fine but I will be getting money to take care of D13 until she graduates HS. And will have some more to maybe invest to make up for some of what he is taking.

Or hope that he realizes the retirement isn't worth this and he will take less than half  -

I feel bad doing it because that isn't how we were going to do it. I know I know XH was the one that changed the rules - not me.
I am going to hate it because he will say he can't afford it - but he doesn't care what I can or can't afford when I retire since he is taking my money.

He hasn't had to feel the bite of his D yet. He has gotten what he wanted with no consequences until now.
M-48
H-43
D-13
Married 18 years - together 20
BD - 7/17
ILYBINILWY - 7/17
Asked for Divorce - 9/17
Sold home and moved out  - 1/18

 

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