[Schratz66]

I have an odd question - since with a Vanisher I do not have any interactions or monstering going on, how long before we actually fall out of love with them ? I knew I would always love that man regardless if he left or not, but I did not count on still being in love with him. Does that ever go away ?

[nah]

Would we pressure ourselves to "fall out of love" with our spouse if they had died?

I prefer to hold on to the great memories we had when he was a good man with love.

That's what works for me, anyways.

[Treasur]

As part of my PTSD therapy I've had to give an overview of my life and the traumatic events. Fortunately it wasn't as scary to do as I thought  but it has made me realise that a bit of me is almost afraid to look at the good memories now...even if to just pack them away...
I want to remember the good because there was a lot of it and I don't want to rewrite my years with my h as a terrible mistake or lie just because he did...but I'm a bit scared that seeing the good will hurt again to have lost it if that makes sense? It is easier to write v2 off as he is self-evidently a toxic thing that wishes me nothing good to be avoided, so it's a conundrum that I haven't made peace with quite yet. But it feels necessary to do so somehow so I don't have to throw 20 years of my own life in the bin as I guess he has done....so, a PTSD work in progress for me but I hope I get to a point when I can love the imperfect man I knew and enjoyed without staying stuck in the past that no longer exists.

[nah]

I don't have a good answer, except that it takes time.

About six months after The Leaver left me, I was having lunch with a group of co-workers in the cafeteria. Someone brought up anniversary rings and I started to tell them how The Leaver secretly retrieved my ring out of my jewelry box and had my engagement ring reset with more diamonds. Even though I still hold that memory of him as one of my favorites and couldn't get the words out without choking up. I had to leave the lunch room and ball my eyes out in the ladies room.

Now I like to recall the story with a smile on my face, and love in my heart.

The original ring was precious b/c we barely had enough for food when he bought it. He secretly made weekly payments for over a year before he could buy it and give it to me. Then when we started to make more money, he made sure I had the ring that he felt I really deserved.  I was so beautiful, not just the ring, but how he spent so much time thinking how to make it perfect for me.

 I know he loved me, unlike many others, I don't doubt it at all because of these memories. I remember him asking me to sit next to him (I had no idea what he had done) with a huge smile on his face. He told me how much I had meant to him with tears in his eyes as he handed me the new and improved ring.  He was a good man, a hard-working man that gave our family every penny he earned until he changed in Mr-Weird-Sugar-Daddy-MLC Man.

I don't want to forget who he used to be.

[Treasur]

I think - most of the time - I also believe my h really loved and liked me.
And I have chewed hard on the possibility that I was wrong...but never quite felt that was the truth
Even when it might have been easier or less confusing to think so.
Like you I have lots of memories like that and it was obvious to everyone who knew us
So the Disappearing MLC version was a shock all round!
Maybe you've inspired me to look at that before I pack it away....it was lovely to be loved and love someone like that, and I still think it was a rare blessing to experience it

But of course that is why it is so bewildering that someone would choose to destroy it as if it was worthless....it certainly wasn't worthless to me or easily discarded.

[Shining Star]

Shratz66:  I have the same thought.  It has been 4 years since BD, and almost a year since I have seen him or heard his voice.  Yet, I still love him as much as I ever did.  I wonder when the feelings will weaken or completely go away.  I am building a new life, have a career, keep busy, but still wonder when I will "get over this."  I am finding that time does not heal all wounds.  I know I have seen this question may times, but I do think about whether he misses me, wants to call, but doesn't, remembers me when he hears a song, has any love left for me as you would a spouse --- not a friend.  He said it all evaporated - could that really be true, and if yes, why not for me? 

[Nas]

He said it all evaporated - could that really be true, and if yes, why not for me?

I think this is what points to some kind of crisis or mental health issue.  People stop loving their partners, that's true.  But for all feeling to disappear and for them to not even care about our basic well-being anymore after so many years is so clearly a much bigger issue.

I used to wonder if my H wanted to call me but just didn't act, but once he changed his phone number I realized that I'd just been wanting that to be true.  That's just what's true in my case.

[stillbaffled]

At 33 months post BD and my MLCer having married the OW, I don't believe that time heals all wounds.  My goal has never been to get over it.  My goal is to get through it and live each day to the fullest I can. 

I work at it every day.   

[Tyks]

Here here, sb.

[Shelly7435]

I too feel as you all do. Like Nas my X changed his number and did not bother to let me know. (I know because of my kids)  I know I still am in love the man that was once my kind, reasonable, fun h.  I have come to the conclusion l do not have the energy to care at the moment. I no longer look for him everywhere I go.

I like sb's goal!  On ward and up ward!