[nah]

Honestly, I don't really care anymore, lol. I just wanted to let nah know that she's right.

Haha... Only b/c I've been in this MLC biz for a long time.

Nas, You may be right, OR you may never know BUT, like Tyks, I really truly did not believe he was watching, until I had proof that he was (and still is).
And YES, YES, YES, Treasur, post those fabulous pics.  I know I did, let them eat their hearts out.

[nah]

Just curious to hear ideas why the vanishing. 

I like to keep it simple, because well, once you get past the pain, it really is simple.  I can sum it up in one word...

GUILT.

They are trying to hide from it, but they can't.

[BrenM]

I like to keep it simple, because well, once you get past the pain, it really is simple.  I can sum it up in one word...

GUILT.

They are trying to hide from it, but they can't.

Welcome back Nah...thought that the dreaded Vanishing epidemic had  succumbed another victim 😂😂😂.  Hope all is well.

In The Valley....I totally agree that it is GUILT that makes the vanishers run away.  They try to create a new life (new family, new friends, new interests...ie basically a new personality) in order to escape their actions.  They know what they have done to their spouse, children, family and friends is wrong and the guilt contains them.  This affects their physical appearance and their personality.  They run, they gruelly punish themselves with obsessive exercise regimes, drinking, spending in order to diminish their guilt.  BUT we all know that you can't keep running forever!

[In the valley]

Guilt makes sense.  You do something terrible to someone you don't want to see them.

[BrenM]

ITV...it sucks big time.  But just remember they can't run forever! At some stage they need to face reality and the destruction that they have caused.  Hang in there mate...be the best dad possible to your boys....your daughter will come around.

[Nas]

Guilt makes sense.  You do something terrible to someone you don't want to see them.

It’s veey hard for them to pretend they haven’t done whatever bad things they’ve done unless they completely avoid everything connected to the bad things they’ve done. Out of sight, out of mind (mostly). I know a lot of people say it can’t be out of sight, out of mind forever. Although unfortunately, we’ve seen proof that it can be for a very long time. Boggles the mind how they can avoid for years.

[stillbaffled]

Guilt makes sense.  You do something terrible to someone you don't want to see them.

It’s veey hard for them to pretend they haven’t done whatever bad things they’ve done unless they completely avoid everything connected to the bad things they’ve done. Out of sight, out of mind (mostly). I know a lot of people say it can’t be out of sight, out of mind forever. Although unfortunately, we’ve seen proof that it can be for a very long time. Boggles the mind how they can avoid for years.

And I believe that some of them can avoid it for the rest of their lives.......

[Treasur]

I really think vanishing is just about Avoidance 101.
Difficult to know exactly what any individual is most avoiding, but there is a long potential list isn't there? Reality, practical consequences, dealing with other people's feelings or opinions, dealing with their own feelings of guilt or loss or responsibility.
Whatever they are avoiding, the action of vanishing I think just says two things clearly.
That it is easier for them than the alternative.
And that the benefit from their avoidance to them is more important than the damage or difficulty they cause to anyone else.

Horrid, but strangely simple.

It is good when we reach a spot when it becomes less about why they vanish and more about our healthy desire to let go of wanting the insane dysfunction they carry in our lives. I never thought I'd get there but NC is a sane choice for me regardless of why my then h stopped behaving like a sane decent adult. A gift for me and he gets in return the new life he wanted without the irritating responsibility of dealing with the mess he made of his old one much as it saddens me to see what he did and who he evidently is choosing to be now. We both deserved much better. But it is nice to be able to shrug my shoulders and let it be.

[Schratz66]

My dad managed the out of sight, out of mind for 37 years now and he never showed a lick of remorse.
Living high on the hog with OW

[In the valley]

Thanks Bren for the encouragement and everyone else for the responses.  What really causes anxiety is the unknown.  When I think I know what will eventually happen, I feel good even though its not the outcome I might want.  If I knew she would run forever I could relax, but I have those moments that I'm sure she is going to hit bottom and face reality.  As Treasure says, reaching a point that it doesn't matter to me is probably the healthiest place to be.  If a person is capable of suppressing that guilt for the remainder of their life, they are not a person we want in our lives.