Author Topic: My Story The Positives XXII  (Read 1772 times)

Online Mitzpah

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My Story Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #10 on: October 09, 2018, 11:03:21 AM »


My young son has just gone to work and says he’ll stay with friends tonight. My heart is hurting for him. He barely spoke last night and I feel it’s so unhealthy to bottle stuff up. We all know where that leads!





Hi sweet Serenity, I am following along quietly here.

Just wanted to say that there is a saying in the Talmud
Quote
The deeper the sorrow the less tongue it hath.
– The Talmud
- I am a quiet person normally  and this is very true for me. Sometimes you just cannot express your pain. So, give your son time to process his hurt on his own. Just being there for him is enough.

(((Hugs)))
M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #11 on: October 21, 2018, 08:17:41 PM »
Hi Serenity!

I hope things are going better for you and your son now.

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #12 on: October 26, 2018, 05:13:55 AM »
Hi Sweet friend!

Just jumping on board, nothing important to say just want to come along on your trip!

(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline serenityTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #13 on: November 06, 2018, 05:22:35 AM »
Hello dear friends and thank you for your posts..

Mitzpah, Savvy, MBIB and savvy,

Sorry I’ve not really posted for a while. I needed time away to sort myself out.

My youngest son leaving my DIL upset me so much and triggered me and I found myself in a place I never wanted to be in again!

My H didn’t help with his inappropriate comments and then various messages talking about how much we ‘both’ knew about hurt and how much a breakup hurt blah blah blah!

It sent me into a rage that I’ve not really experienced. I’m not an angry person, quite mild and easy going and it takes a lot for me to lose my temper.

Maybe it’s everything I’ve bottled up for the last 7 1/2 years and then it erupted. I sent my H some nasty messages and threw some things at him. He was quiet for a few days and then messaged again trying to justify our breakup and seemed surprised I still feel the way I do!

Well these things run so deep they don’t ever go away however much we re build our lives. I have a good life and all I want but that scar will always remain buried as deep as I can make it.

Anyway I’ve gradually started feeling better and thought H would go away after my outbursts but of course he didn’t and he tried to hurt me and get me to react by making sure I saw a photo of him with a woman draped round him. Although he’d cut her face off! I ignored him. It just seemed a predictably childish response!

When that didn’t work he tried a nice one of him and our granddaughter. He’s only recently started bothering with her and she’s now 3 years old!

He’s even made the long trip to visit our D again.

I’ve completely ignored him so he sent me a sweet photo of our granddaughter and then a silly comment about something!

I do know he’s ill again and very very depressed and even talking about it to our youngest son! Maybe it’s rock bottom, I don’t know. But I know he’s changing and feeling things and becoming involved with our children. He’s still very selfish but his shiny new life is now tarnished and not what he thought it would be!

I’ve also managed to see our youngest son and talked to him about his breakup. I still don’t know if he’s depressed or not but his behaviour has smacked of some sort of crisis even though he’s so young!


Peace to you all

X

Offline serenityTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #14 on: November 06, 2018, 05:23:32 AM »
Sorry 31, I typed you in as well

Hugs X

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #15 on: November 06, 2018, 06:12:54 AM »
Quote
My H didn’t help with his inappropriate comments and then various messages talking about how much we ‘both’ knew about hurt and how much a breakup hurt blah blah blah!

It sent me into a rage that I’ve not really experienced. I’m not an angry person, quite mild and easy going and it takes a lot for me to lose my temper.

Maybe it’s everything I’ve bottled up for the last 7 1/2 years and then it erupted. I sent my H some nasty messages and threw some things at him. He was quiet for a few days and then messaged again trying to justify our breakup and seemed surprised I still feel the way I do!

Well these things run so deep they don’t ever go away however much we re build our lives. I have a good life and all I want but that scar will always remain buried as deep as I can make it.

Awe Serenity, I am nodding along as I read your thread. My husband has alluded as well to how it hurt him too.....and I guess on some level it has...when I saw him 2 weeks ago, his eyes still haunt me...his eyes were so deeply sad and troubled..his whole body language was certainly not one of "happiness".

My therapist recently spoke about something called chronoception..I am not sure I understand exactly what she talked about but it has to do with how we have more than 5 senses...I think she mentioned more than 20...that our thoughts/feelings/emotions/ biological responses are connected to our memories...it reminds me of things like hearing a song that brings me back to our life together or why I do not want to visit countries where we "played" together...these "senses" these memories do not disappear...they will forever be stored in our brains and we have many such "scars" to contend with.

I can certainly understand that your son's breakup would be the cause of triggering your own memories.

Tale good care.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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Offline 31andcounting

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Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #16 on: November 06, 2018, 07:54:13 AM »
Hi Sweet friend!

No apologies needed ;)

When my son and DIL suddenly split after one year of marriage it knocked the wind out of me too!!
They had been together 7 years prior so she and I were close.  I worried so much about my son!

But now he is remarried and they have given me my third grandchild now!   All seems good but I still tend to worry about my son some!   His first wife just suddenly realized she didn't love him and walked out!! As we know scars like do run deep and past a long time!!
Hopefully you begin to feel your sons split a little less! As far as your H???  My I have no idea what to say.  Yes ours H's are hurt during their crisis but what they don't get is that they were the one causing their own hurt!

Just breath deep and continue to move forward Serenity!
(hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline serenityTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #17 on: November 07, 2018, 09:58:32 AM »
Hello dear xy, thank you got your post.

I’m so sorry to hear your H is clearly still so troubled but it’s possible he’s at some sort of rock bottom! He’s tried everything over the years and maybe the D was his last ditch attempt at happiness - to be free of any ties! But maybe the reality that he’s just as unhappy is hitting home!

You are so right, we are indeed triggered by so many things. It can be something minor or something quite big like my son and DIL. It’s quite shocking after all these years the pain can run so deep and take us to dark places!

I suppose the only comfort you can take from seeing your H is that you ‘know’ he’s a lonely, lost and deeply unhappy man

Hugs X

Dear 31,

Thank you as always, for your kindness. I know you’ve been through so much but I actually believe the pain we experience makes us better people, kinder, understanding and more compassionate!

You have the joy of another grandchild after all your earlier heartache. I too hope that my young son finds happiness but it’s all too early atm!

Take care dear friend X


Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #18 on: November 07, 2018, 03:15:24 PM »
Hi Serenity,

No need to apologize. Hope you now are feeling better now. 


It is good you let it all out. Even the most quiet of us will have a day when it all comes out in a blast.

You did well ignoring his childish photo with the woman. They love to get a reaction from us. Good or bad, a reaction is a reaction, it means we care, even if we only care for all the wrong reasons.

Maybe he is slowly getting close to the grandkids? We know they start to reconnect with kids, or grandkids. Not saying he is on his way to be out of the tunnel, just that he may really want to start to become closer to the grandkids.

Hope your son (and your former DIL) will be fine. Your son is quite young, but a life crisis, or depression, can come up at any age.

Mr J looks terrible. And mirserable. And he is trying every trick he can think of to escape rock bottom.  ::)

Hugs,
X
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline serenityTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #19 on: November 08, 2018, 01:05:03 AM »
Thank you dear Anjae,

I’m feeling a lot better in myself apart from a fluey cold I’ve had for weeks that I can’t seem to shake off but the weather has turned cold and very wet which doesn’t help.

I’m sorry Mr J continues to spiral down. It’s unbeluevable how they manage to keep going! In our minds, rock bottom would have been a long time ago!

It must be hard for you to watch him continuing to destroy himself even though you’ve moved on.

My son looked well when I saw him at the W/e so that allayed my fears a bit. My poor DIL is devastated and not coping. Our young son seems more concerned over his dad being in a bad place, ill and alone. I didn’t comment. I had thoughts in my head but kept it to myself!

My H has lately been moving towards our children and our granddaughter. Being more involved in their lives. This makes me happy because they’ve all missed him and desperately wanted him in their lives.

I’m sure there’s lots more to come with Christmas looming!

Hugs

X




 

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