Author Topic: My Story The Positives XXII  (Read 1791 times)

Offline Anjae

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My Story Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #20 on: November 08, 2018, 02:19:55 PM »

Hi Serenity,

Sorry to hear you have a pesky cold.

Rock bottom should had been some nine years ago for Mr J. In only he was spiralling down straight to rock bottom.  ::) But no, he keeps his hands firmly (or shaking, who knows) on the ledge.

Glad to know your son looked well, but sorry to hear your DIL is devastated and not coping. It makes sense younger son is more concerned with his dad. Terrible his brother and SIL breakup is, they are much younger than your husband and, in time, they will be fine.

For now, it may be better to leave the thoughts in your head. In time, I think speaking your truth and how you felt about it all with your younger son may make sense.

Hope your husband keeps getting close to your kids and grandkids. It is progress.  :)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #21 on: November 08, 2018, 11:03:21 PM »
So sorry about your Son, Serenity.  Makes for a rather miserable Christmas when these things are done late in the year.  It also triggers a lot of bad memories for us and that doesn't help when it's added to the mix.

Best to focus on the grandchildren and leave thoughts of your H and even what your son has done behind.  It only ends up hurting us so much and we don't need anymore hurt than we've received at the hands of our MLCers.

Sending big hugs for better days ahead.

(((((((((Hugs)))))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline serenityTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #22 on: November 10, 2018, 09:38:09 AM »
Thank you Anjae and Savvy,

Well there’s been a lot happening over the last few days...

As I mentioned H has been very unwell again and severely depressed and it’s very overt.

He yet again collapsed and was taken into hospital. This time he was alone and there was no one to help him. He said as he drifted in and out of consciousness he thought of my name!

Our eldest son who lives with H was out somewhere so H had to ring an ambulance for himself.

Our youngest son (who’s broken up with DIL) visited H and is incredibly worried.

Anyhoo I had a few messages from H saying he needed support and it was quite an honest message of how he actually is!

The next day I got some frantic messages from him saying he didn’t want to be alone and could I go and see him and he wanted a hug! I was actually out with friends for the day so I spoke to him on the phone and said I couldn’t go until later in the day and I was quite a long way away from his cottage. He was crying uncontrollably on the phone and it was hard to understand him.

I arrived at H’s late in the afternoon and he wasn’t good. He just wanted me to cuddle him and hold his hand. I feel very detached from him now and found this quite hard to do. He obviously sensed this and kept asking for a real hug!

I stayed for a while and when he seemed calmer I left for home. It was a cold and wet night and traffic was awful so I was eager to get going.

He sent me a message to thank me for going and said it meant a lot although I told him I can’t fix him. I said people can prop him up but he needs to help himself. He’s struggling to work with the depression and ill health.

I heard from him today - he wants to come over this w/e for a haircut but I’m busy and also hoping to see our granddaughter. I agreed to try and meet him when I get home.

So this feels like rock bottom and I feel he’s got nowhere left to run. He’s broken, ill and terribly depressed! But who knows - he’s come back from similar before!

My life looks amazing in comparison and everyone tells me how glamorous, pretty and together I look. I don’t think so but it’s nice to be told that! He he

Hugs

X

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #23 on: November 10, 2018, 03:21:39 PM »
So this feels like rock bottom and I feel he’s got nowhere left to run. He’s broken, ill and terribly depressed! But who knows - he’s come back from similar before!

Time will tell, Serenity.

It is hard to know if this time it really is rock bottom or since he found himself alone he decided to call you because he knew you would show.

You did well telling him that only he can help himself. If his depression is over, seeing a doctor and/or therapist may help. Of course he would have to want to do it. Same with his health, if he truly wants to get better, he needs to do what it takes.

It is obvious he isn't well. He has been to hospital and collapsed several times. But he is the only person who can decide to change and make sure he does everything within his power to get better.

Hugs,
X
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online Mitzpah

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Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #24 on: November 11, 2018, 11:24:14 AM »
Serenity,

Thinking of you, I hope some measure of consciousness comes to him as to where he is truly loved and that he may be moved to make amends.

I can quite understand your detached attitude - after all, he has dug his own pit, hasn't he...

Hugs
M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #25 on: November 11, 2018, 11:12:35 PM »
You are all the good things people say you are serenity, never forget it!!

Sounds like rock bottom to me or at least the awakening that he's seen what damage he's done and how he's ruined his life and yours.

Truly, he needs to hear the truth right now serenity, tell him you know he's been mentally ill for many years, something that he blamed on you and your marriage and that if he doesn't face it, he will probably not survive.  I'd be asking him to get some professional help from a good therapist and to stop finding ways to get out of facing his demons.  I know we 'leave them to their crisis' but at this point he needs a massive truth dart right to the head.

You can be around for him to talk to if you wish but he needs to get off the hamster wheel of self medicating with women, drugs, alcohol or work and do some real work and he needs to hear it from you.  Without some truth slamming him up against the wall, he is likely to go right back into the tunnel and rinse and repeat all over again.

I really don't think this is the time to be super kind to him, it may have the effect of sending him back into replay behavioiurs if he;'s allowed to cake eat, just some cold hard facts and leave him to find a therapist.  If he really wants to be well, he will do this, if he decides to go back to self medicating you can tell him goodbye.

A voice inside of me is telling me this is what he needs to get him off the cycle of destruction - firm but kind.

I send all my love and wish you all the best with him.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Whyus

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Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #26 on: November 12, 2018, 12:02:51 AM »
Truly, he needs to hear the truth right now serenity, tell him you know he's been mentally ill for many years, something that he blamed on you and your marriage and that if he doesn't face it, he will probably not survive.  I'd be asking him to get some professional help from a good therapist and to stop finding ways to get out of facing his demons.  I know we 'leave them to their crisis' but at this point he needs a massive truth dart right to the head.

You can be around for him to talk to if you wish but he needs to get off the hamster wheel of self medicating with women, drugs, alcohol or work and do some real work and he needs to hear it from you.  Without some truth slamming him up against the wall, he is likely to go right back into the tunnel and rinse and repeat all over again.

I really don't think this is the time to be super kind to him, it may have the effect of sending him back into replay behavioiurs if he;'s allowed to cake eat, just some cold hard facts and leave him to find a therapist.  If he really wants to be well, he will do this, if he decides to go back to self medicating you can tell him goodbye.

many members wouldnt agree but i agree 100% with everything that SF has written here. We cannot help them, we know that but we can steer them, maybe just a Little IF THE TIMING IS RIGHT!. No Point when they are full in replay and having the time of theyre lives but now could be worth a shot.

All the best S
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Milly

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Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #27 on: November 12, 2018, 12:54:32 AM »
I'm really liking the advice from Why and Savvy. It does seem like your H is heading to rock bottom or has had a big awakening. I hope he continues on the right path.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline serenityTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #28 on: November 12, 2018, 02:53:12 AM »
Hello my lovelies,

Anjae, Mitzpah, Milly, Whyus and Savvy,

I think all your help and advice is great. I haven’t put it into action as yet. But I have been here many times before and he does usually just run back into replay.

I think age, tiredness and illness are slowing him down now.

My w/e was busy and really good and I got to spend a lot of time with my darling granddaughter. H asked to come Sunday evening saying he’d appreciate a haircut. I haven’t cut his hair in about 7 years!

Anyhoo he came - seemed more his old self and so different from the man who was falling apart a few days before. Mask was firmly back on!

He didn’t like the haircut I gave him but I hadn’t been keen to do it anyway. We had some food and sat in front of my woodburner and watched an old film. He wanted to snuggle on the sofa but I didn’t. He’s behaving again like all the years that have gone don’t exist. Sweeping it all under the carpet!

I didn’t feel this was the right time to try and get him to face things. I know he needs to or he’ll just continue to paper over the cracks.

I’m going to wait now and see what his next move is. If he just withdraws then he can just get on with it. If he genuinely wants help and to try and get better then I’ll help him.

I love him but I no longer have the deep love for him that I used to have. I’m surprised myself by that!

Thank you ALL so much for your unending support and following along

Hugs

X

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXII
« Reply #29 on: November 12, 2018, 03:54:00 PM »
Hi Serenity,

I know we 'leave them to their crisis' but at this point he needs a massive truth dart right to the head.

Leave them to their crisis in not incompatible with truth darts. At times truth darts are necessary.

Anyhoo he came - seemed more his old self and so different from the man who was falling apart a few days before. Mask was firmly back on!

Mask back in place. MLCers. A few days before he was in a terrible state in hospital, now the mask is back on.

I wonder exactly what it takes for some of them to hit rock bottom.

I love him but I no longer have the deep love for him that I used to have. I’m surprised myself by that!

Their crisis takes a long time. Their coming and going, one day they are very ill and about to hit rock bottom, the next they are fine, MLC mask in place and pretend nothing had happend exhausts us.
 
Our love often still exists, but it is not so deep as it used to be. We also stop wanting they back just because we still love them. Sad, but true.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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