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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting or a very long Touch and Go?

n
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My Story Reconnecting or a very long Touch and Go?
OP: October 13, 2018, 03:21:05 AM
BD November 2017 so it's almost a year.  He told me that he wanted to separate in July but I talked him off the ledge and he started coming around more.  I found out yesterday that he told my BIL that he has no intention of coming back. I want to write to him and say...you win. My ring is off and I'm no longer waiting. 

Since you're not coming back I've left a suitcase with the rest of your things in the garage so feel free to come by and pick it up.

Since you're not coming back you can tell the kids that you didn't follow through on your promise to them to try and work things out and go to counselling (which you never did) and that you in fact, are not coming back

Since you're not coming back you can get in touch with a Realtor and put our winter home (with all of our happy memories) on the market immediately.

Since you are not coming back I will get a lawyer

OR

say nothing, live in limbo and hope for the best.  Would this do more harm than good?

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10148.0
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« Last Edit: October 13, 2018, 05:29:06 AM by Thunder »

L
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#1: October 13, 2018, 04:03:25 AM
Hi Not done yet.

As I read this I remember being where you are and I would say this.    It sounds like if you gi e him that message you are fishing for a reply.   Try not to have expectations of it changing him.  I always try to live by the words say what you mean and mean what you say.  So if you are really at that point and only can say you are then say it.  You better be ready to back it up though.  If you arent willing to back it up then its meaningless words.   I am a true believer in actions speak louder than words.    I will say this old me wouldve needed to say that to my ex before I did anything to be able to sleep at night.    I would need that closure and need to know I gave my ex every possible out and warning to cut the $h!te.    So if you need it for that reason then say it.  I guess this long winded reply is to say do it if you're ready to.     If you're not then dont. 
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#2: October 13, 2018, 05:10:21 AM
I'm so sorry, that must have been a devastating blow.  Lots of hugs to you!

My suggestion is to live your life as if he's not coming back. That is the strategy whether you are standing or letting go.  Words don't mean a whole lot at this point, and from what everyone says, a year is too soon to expect recovery from MLC.

I would say that it is healthy for you to set boundaries though.  The more control you take of your own life, the better you will feel  Are you financially secure?  Do you need to talk to a lawyer about that?  I found paid consultations were well worth the money. Take yourself out of limbo as much as you can.  Why not pack up his suitcase? Leave it in the garage for him.  The extra closet space is wonderful!  Since MLC is such long arduous journey, it doesn't mean it's the end all of everything, if you just pack up his suitcase.  How about get a realtor yourself to get an estimate on your winter home?  I don't know how old your kids are, but it's never healthy for them to hear bad things about a parent, even if it's true. Let them figure things out on their own. 

Take good care of yourself and take as much control as you can over your own life.  Nothing good comes of waiting for an MLCer to do the right thing!  ((((HUGS)))))

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Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Divorced as of January 2019
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 59
OW? I don't know - probably plural

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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#3: October 13, 2018, 05:34:58 AM
Welcome to your new thread.   :)

I agree with what Last said.

Please try to remember your bd was only a year ago.  It, unfortunately, will take him much more time to go through his crisis.  I'm sorry..notdone.
 
There just isn't much you can do right now that will change his mind.  So do what is right for you.
What will give you the most peace.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

S
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#4: October 13, 2018, 05:49:50 AM
I’m so sorry, it hurts like h*ll when you hear things like this, but I wouldn’t write to him, like the others say, they don’t hear things the way you intend and I don’t think it will help

You’ve heard this from your BIL, who knows why your MLCH has said that to him, but it could have been a million different scenarios and possibly not a calm, rational talk

You writing that message sounds like a reaction, not a thought out response, if you have any doubt about what you’re doing the best advice I’ve learnt from here is to do nothing, but it’s good to think out your boundaries and be prepared for the worst

If you hear this directly from your H you can think about how you want to respond, but sending a message when you’ve heard this from a third party might not be the best thing to do, for you. You don’t want to regret doing something in haste, the rule of 3 is golden  :)

Sorry that you’re going through this, we know how tough and confusing it all is
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At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

b
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#5: October 13, 2018, 06:16:02 AM
I heard thru the grapevine that my husband said he would never return, that he had been years trying to leave me, that the marriage was dead a very long time ago. He had NEVER been happy apparently ( in 35 years ). It was devastating as you know. I have learned a lot during my 5 years struggling with the results of my husbands MLC and in hindsight ( where all the lessons are ) I truly wish I was able to 100% accept and understand it truly had nothing to do with me. NOT one single thing. And I fought that of course ...he was my husband , he was blaming me, this was a catastrophy of unimaginable personal pain and it simply HAD to do with me. It did NOT. In my minds eye now, I see myself backing up in silence, creating a large circle around him...giving him space and giving myself protection. Silence. I argued , pleaded blah blah  until the day I threw him out . I never said another word after that ... it was like trying to talk to the wind , a vicious angry wind. I would advise you to say and do nothing . Period. Except treat yourself like a goddess, pamper, indulge , explore who you are ...and stay purposefully out of his wind.

My husband did return ...much to the shock of everyone that he convinced he was 100% done with his marriage. Words. Stay clear of him as much as possible, do not respond or argue , do not ask him anything...he has nothing to offer that you want .Stop interrupting his crisis and just let him roar himself out.

I suspect you are looking for a reaction . I was . I think you are hoping he will suddenly wake up and say " NOOOO... I do not want my clothes, I am sorry, I want to come home!!!". That something you will say will shock him into reality and he will see the permanent changes coming his way. I assure you...it does NOT work that way. Again... make a decision to not react, not respond and not to ask .... that is golden advise in my opinion.  Take good care of YOU and let the wind take care of itself.
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

D
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#6: October 13, 2018, 06:51:32 AM
I think you must ask yourself why you want to say these things to your H? Do you truly mean them or are you looking to shock some sense into your H. Because if it is the second reason you will be sadly disappointed. As Barbie said - it is like arguing with the wind.

Nothing I said or did made one bit of difference to  my H and I caused myself much pain and disappointment trying to get him to see sense. But sometime you have to do and say it if for no other reason than to learn that it will not work.

I, like Barbie, took everything personal. How could I not? He was destroying our life together and blaming me for everything. In the end, I don’t think it is about the marriage at all. But it is hard to get there in both your heart and your head.

Stay strong. Do what you need to do for you.
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

N
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#7: October 13, 2018, 08:05:49 AM
I agree with everything writte here. Don’t do anything until you are absolutely sure it is your choice.  And if you can find the strength to stay silent and get in with life - which hardly anyone seems to manage for a while - then it appear to be the only way forward either together or alone.
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#8: October 13, 2018, 09:14:35 AM

Since you're not coming back...

I'm not going to advise you on which option to choose. I think that has to be your decision alone, but I would definitely not preface it with the above words. It makes it seem like a reaction from you. Whatever you choose to do, you want him to think it comes from your own mind and isn't simply a reaction to what he has done because then he will think he can influence, manipulate and control you. You don't even necessarily need to tell him what you are going to do in advance. If there is a step you want to take, just take it.

It seems you want to make these grand statements to manipulate him. And as Barbie says, that won't work either. You need to act independently from him just as he has done so with you. It's the only thing they understand really at this point because you mirror their own freedom seeking behavior and they don't like it.
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« Last Edit: October 13, 2018, 09:17:15 AM by GonerinGhana »

n
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#9: October 13, 2018, 09:38:15 AM
Thank you everyone for your hopping on my thread and for taking the time to give me your wise words and to Sam I Am who talked me off the ledge early this morning via an early morning phone call. Hiding in the bathroom so my D didn't hear!

I don't know why I am having such a hard time not taking it personally.  I keep having to remind myself that he is on the alien mother ship and not my H because at times, he looks and acts so normal. My BIL also told me that in May my H told him that he had not been happy in our marriage for 15 years (at BD it was 2) and that we had not had sex for several years....hello  ::).  If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...

When I got up this morning I had apparently sent him a text last night saying "goodnight and goodbye forever". How's that for being melodramatic! I must have done this in my sleep because I can't remember doing it but oh well....he didn't respond and who really cares.  I am so done emotionally and it's not even one year. I'm tired of feeling like every day, I've been run over by a Mack Truck.

I will take your advice and not respond to him at all. I feel like he ping pongs back and forth so what he feels on a Wednesday may not be what he feels on a Friday.  I just have to keep reminding myself of that and move forward.  They probably all say "I'm never coming home".

I have to find a ways of making him less important in my life. I will get there but I thought he was cycling towards me...apparently not. So, I am trying to enjoy an overcast day with my Caesar which is my Canadian way of putting one foot forward on this walk we call MLC. 
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