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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting or a very long Touch and Go?

n
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My Story Reconnecting or a very long Touch and Go?
OP: October 13, 2018, 03:21:05 AM
BD November 2017 so it's almost a year.  He told me that he wanted to separate in July but I talked him off the ledge and he started coming around more.  I found out yesterday that he told my BIL that he has no intention of coming back. I want to write to him and say...you win. My ring is off and I'm no longer waiting. 

Since you're not coming back I've left a suitcase with the rest of your things in the garage so feel free to come by and pick it up.

Since you're not coming back you can tell the kids that you didn't follow through on your promise to them to try and work things out and go to counselling (which you never did) and that you in fact, are not coming back

Since you're not coming back you can get in touch with a Realtor and put our winter home (with all of our happy memories) on the market immediately.

Since you are not coming back I will get a lawyer

OR

say nothing, live in limbo and hope for the best.  Would this do more harm than good?

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10148.0
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« Last Edit: October 13, 2018, 05:29:06 AM by Thunder »

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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#1: October 13, 2018, 04:03:25 AM
Hi Not done yet.

As I read this I remember being where you are and I would say this.    It sounds like if you gi e him that message you are fishing for a reply.   Try not to have expectations of it changing him.  I always try to live by the words say what you mean and mean what you say.  So if you are really at that point and only can say you are then say it.  You better be ready to back it up though.  If you arent willing to back it up then its meaningless words.   I am a true believer in actions speak louder than words.    I will say this old me wouldve needed to say that to my ex before I did anything to be able to sleep at night.    I would need that closure and need to know I gave my ex every possible out and warning to cut the $h!te.    So if you need it for that reason then say it.  I guess this long winded reply is to say do it if you're ready to.     If you're not then dont. 
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#2: October 13, 2018, 05:10:21 AM
I'm so sorry, that must have been a devastating blow.  Lots of hugs to you!

My suggestion is to live your life as if he's not coming back. That is the strategy whether you are standing or letting go.  Words don't mean a whole lot at this point, and from what everyone says, a year is too soon to expect recovery from MLC.

I would say that it is healthy for you to set boundaries though.  The more control you take of your own life, the better you will feel  Are you financially secure?  Do you need to talk to a lawyer about that?  I found paid consultations were well worth the money. Take yourself out of limbo as much as you can.  Why not pack up his suitcase? Leave it in the garage for him.  The extra closet space is wonderful!  Since MLC is such long arduous journey, it doesn't mean it's the end all of everything, if you just pack up his suitcase.  How about get a realtor yourself to get an estimate on your winter home?  I don't know how old your kids are, but it's never healthy for them to hear bad things about a parent, even if it's true. Let them figure things out on their own. 

Take good care of yourself and take as much control as you can over your own life.  Nothing good comes of waiting for an MLCer to do the right thing!  ((((HUGS)))))

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Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Divorced as of January 2019
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#3: October 13, 2018, 05:34:58 AM
Welcome to your new thread.   :)

I agree with what Last said.

Please try to remember your bd was only a year ago.  It, unfortunately, will take him much more time to go through his crisis.  I'm sorry..notdone.
 
There just isn't much you can do right now that will change his mind.  So do what is right for you.
What will give you the most peace.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#4: October 13, 2018, 05:49:50 AM
I’m so sorry, it hurts like h*ll when you hear things like this, but I wouldn’t write to him, like the others say, they don’t hear things the way you intend and I don’t think it will help

You’ve heard this from your BIL, who knows why your MLCH has said that to him, but it could have been a million different scenarios and possibly not a calm, rational talk

You writing that message sounds like a reaction, not a thought out response, if you have any doubt about what you’re doing the best advice I’ve learnt from here is to do nothing, but it’s good to think out your boundaries and be prepared for the worst

If you hear this directly from your H you can think about how you want to respond, but sending a message when you’ve heard this from a third party might not be the best thing to do, for you. You don’t want to regret doing something in haste, the rule of 3 is golden  :)

Sorry that you’re going through this, we know how tough and confusing it all is
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At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#5: October 13, 2018, 06:16:02 AM
I heard thru the grapevine that my husband said he would never return, that he had been years trying to leave me, that the marriage was dead a very long time ago. He had NEVER been happy apparently ( in 35 years ). It was devastating as you know. I have learned a lot during my 5 years struggling with the results of my husbands MLC and in hindsight ( where all the lessons are ) I truly wish I was able to 100% accept and understand it truly had nothing to do with me. NOT one single thing. And I fought that of course ...he was my husband , he was blaming me, this was a catastrophy of unimaginable personal pain and it simply HAD to do with me. It did NOT. In my minds eye now, I see myself backing up in silence, creating a large circle around him...giving him space and giving myself protection. Silence. I argued , pleaded blah blah  until the day I threw him out . I never said another word after that ... it was like trying to talk to the wind , a vicious angry wind. I would advise you to say and do nothing . Period. Except treat yourself like a goddess, pamper, indulge , explore who you are ...and stay purposefully out of his wind.

My husband did return ...much to the shock of everyone that he convinced he was 100% done with his marriage. Words. Stay clear of him as much as possible, do not respond or argue , do not ask him anything...he has nothing to offer that you want .Stop interrupting his crisis and just let him roar himself out.

I suspect you are looking for a reaction . I was . I think you are hoping he will suddenly wake up and say " NOOOO... I do not want my clothes, I am sorry, I want to come home!!!". That something you will say will shock him into reality and he will see the permanent changes coming his way. I assure you...it does NOT work that way. Again... make a decision to not react, not respond and not to ask .... that is golden advise in my opinion.  Take good care of YOU and let the wind take care of itself.
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Married April 1985
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#6: October 13, 2018, 06:51:32 AM
I think you must ask yourself why you want to say these things to your H? Do you truly mean them or are you looking to shock some sense into your H. Because if it is the second reason you will be sadly disappointed. As Barbie said - it is like arguing with the wind.

Nothing I said or did made one bit of difference to  my H and I caused myself much pain and disappointment trying to get him to see sense. But sometime you have to do and say it if for no other reason than to learn that it will not work.

I, like Barbie, took everything personal. How could I not? He was destroying our life together and blaming me for everything. In the end, I don’t think it is about the marriage at all. But it is hard to get there in both your heart and your head.

Stay strong. Do what you need to do for you.
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

N
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#7: October 13, 2018, 08:05:49 AM
I agree with everything writte here. Don’t do anything until you are absolutely sure it is your choice.  And if you can find the strength to stay silent and get in with life - which hardly anyone seems to manage for a while - then it appear to be the only way forward either together or alone.
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#8: October 13, 2018, 09:14:35 AM

Since you're not coming back...

I'm not going to advise you on which option to choose. I think that has to be your decision alone, but I would definitely not preface it with the above words. It makes it seem like a reaction from you. Whatever you choose to do, you want him to think it comes from your own mind and isn't simply a reaction to what he has done because then he will think he can influence, manipulate and control you. You don't even necessarily need to tell him what you are going to do in advance. If there is a step you want to take, just take it.

It seems you want to make these grand statements to manipulate him. And as Barbie says, that won't work either. You need to act independently from him just as he has done so with you. It's the only thing they understand really at this point because you mirror their own freedom seeking behavior and they don't like it.
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« Last Edit: October 13, 2018, 09:17:15 AM by GonerinGhana »

n
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#9: October 13, 2018, 09:38:15 AM
Thank you everyone for your hopping on my thread and for taking the time to give me your wise words and to Sam I Am who talked me off the ledge early this morning via an early morning phone call. Hiding in the bathroom so my D didn't hear!

I don't know why I am having such a hard time not taking it personally.  I keep having to remind myself that he is on the alien mother ship and not my H because at times, he looks and acts so normal. My BIL also told me that in May my H told him that he had not been happy in our marriage for 15 years (at BD it was 2) and that we had not had sex for several years....hello  ::).  If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...

When I got up this morning I had apparently sent him a text last night saying "goodnight and goodbye forever". How's that for being melodramatic! I must have done this in my sleep because I can't remember doing it but oh well....he didn't respond and who really cares.  I am so done emotionally and it's not even one year. I'm tired of feeling like every day, I've been run over by a Mack Truck.

I will take your advice and not respond to him at all. I feel like he ping pongs back and forth so what he feels on a Wednesday may not be what he feels on a Friday.  I just have to keep reminding myself of that and move forward.  They probably all say "I'm never coming home".

I have to find a ways of making him less important in my life. I will get there but I thought he was cycling towards me...apparently not. So, I am trying to enjoy an overcast day with my Caesar which is my Canadian way of putting one foot forward on this walk we call MLC. 
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#10: October 13, 2018, 01:02:16 PM
They probably all say "I'm never coming home".

Yes, except that they're NOT saying it to be melodramatic. 

They say it because it's what they all believe.....they truly mean it!

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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#11: October 13, 2018, 04:12:51 PM
Attaching.  Try to relax and make the bezt out of your weekend. You deserve it.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#12: October 15, 2018, 07:50:10 AM
What they say on Tuesday is not the same as what they will say on Friday. You need to detach yourself emotionally from the word salad that is coming out of their mouths or you will continue to be on an emotional roller coaster.  Stay calm and says "I am sorry you feel that way" or "I see" a lot.

This takes practices. Lots of it. 
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

n
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#13: October 15, 2018, 08:21:21 AM
Thank you Dumbfounded and to everyone else who took the time to hop on my thread. It is much appreciated.  I have simply got to find away to cope better with all of this.  I AM taking it personally every second of every day and it is slowly eating away at me. 

So apparently he is not coming back but I just checked his FB page and he has added me back on as his wife.  The confusion continues.
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#14: October 15, 2018, 08:30:39 AM
I purchased a book on Amazon that I downloaded to my phone called Detach and Survive.  Maybe try that?

You are doing better than you give yourself credit for.  Take it easy and one day at a time.

Your H is confused and has no idea which end is up right now.  Keep letting him go do what he needs to do.

BTW - My H has done the Father of the Year things too.  Doing financially for the kids when he used to belly ache that they are grown and need to take care of themselves.  What he does will be his problem...not yours.

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

D
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#15: October 15, 2018, 11:06:27 AM
Well, now it is Monday and everything is different.   ???

The fact that you acknowledge that you have to find better coping mechanisms is a win in and of itself.  It means you want to get stronger and grow. That is a good thing. 

The biggest challenge in all of this is to get to a place where your heart and your head agree that this is not about the marriage, it is not about you, it is not personal. That the MLCer is indeed having a crisis - a breakdown, identity crisis, MLC - whatever you want to call it.     
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

n
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#16: October 15, 2018, 11:38:23 AM
Yes Dumbfounded, last week he was never coming back and this week, he is now married to me again on FB.  It certainly is a new week with a new twist. I need to buy stock in TUMS.
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« Last Edit: October 15, 2018, 12:11:47 PM by notdoneyet »

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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#17: October 30, 2018, 04:59:33 PM
Barbie said it so well here...


I suspect you are looking for a reaction . I was . I think you are hoping he will suddenly wake up and say " NOOOO... I do not want my clothes, I am sorry, I want to come home!!!". That something you will say will shock him into reality and he will see the permanent changes coming his way. I assure you...it does NOT work that way. Again... make a decision to not react, not respond and not to ask .... that is golden advise in my opinion.  Take good care of YOU and let the wind take care of itself.

I am right there with you Not Done...hard not to take it personally and wanting to respond...appeal to the sensible person we've been married to all these years...and it just never works. The only thing I've really gotten out of responding is putting H on the defensive and that makes things worse. The advice is good. I continue to work at it one day at a time. Some days are better than others.

After a while you will realize you are having more better days than those other days!!
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Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#18: October 30, 2018, 09:02:29 PM
Hey Not Done,

  Remember what one of the first things we learned here is 100% of what they say is untrue. Mine told me he would never live in our house again. In my mind I was laughing and thinking "you don't even know what you will want tomorrow" but its all good. Go on with yourself big guy.

stay strong...

-Stand

Glad you came here to vent. Best place. Never respond to anything without sleeping on it first. Clear your mind.
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When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#19: October 31, 2018, 04:31:47 AM
Attaching. So you are here but glad you found us. All the above are correct.  Don't believe a word. Just smile and thing you are a teenager throwing a fit... Tomorrow you will be in tears...
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M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

n
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#20: October 31, 2018, 04:44:55 AM
Thank you everyone for following along.  I never did send him a message and thankful that I didn't.  Sometimes they look so "normal" and its those times that when he says something like "I'm never coming back" that I take that as gospel.

After he said it, the next day he updated his marital status on FB to being married after he hasn't been for almost 10 months.  This just confirms they are bat *&$% crazy.

Detach, detach, detach.
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#21: October 31, 2018, 06:25:47 AM
You are doing well.  Glad you didn't respond to the email.  You are doing so great at just letting him alone to do his thing.  He will deal with his crap when he is ready.  Until then, enjoy the beautiful sunsets you see and visiting with your friends and neighbors and enjoying time with family!  Those are the important things in life....don't let them go to crap because H is making bad decisions.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

n
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#22: November 04, 2018, 02:55:07 AM
Thank you SAM :)
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#23: November 04, 2018, 03:32:25 AM
NotDone,

Hi!  I wish I could tell you what to do and what not to do and you would be able to follow it, grow through this and see what you are going through from a crystal ball ... but I can't.

You are going through what probably most of us did in the beginning and it is the worst thing ever.  It is a kick in the gut that no one could ever understand.

I, like you, and probably everyone else, thought that my husband would wake up one day, look in the mirror and say "what in the heck am I doing?  I am so sorry for putting you and the family through this.  Let's get back on track with our marriage.  Do you forgive me, honey?" 

Unfortunately, that is not going to happen.  And while they do change their minds like a two-year-old, I am sorry to say this, don't take the good things they say right now for anything more than a grain of salt.  That is the term "anchor checking" that you will hear a lot about. 

See, in a little, tiny, itty-bitty part of their pea brain right now, they want you to be there for them ... but not now.  So even when he is being kind, adds you to his FB once again, gives you a little hope or encouragement that he is going to be done with this, he is NOT.  Do not get your hopes up because you will get disappointed.

If I could turn back the clock, I would do everything different than I did.  EVERYTHING.  Your husband needs to go through this crisis like a teenager goes through theirs.  Think of a teenage boy running from girl to girl.  Until he gets this out of his system, you mean nothing to him.  And I am so sorry to say those words to a stranger I don't even know, but please believe me, it is true.

Your husband doesn't want you right now because he has you.  I have said this story before, but imagine in high school, the girl who is "hard to get."  Every guy wants that, right?  Now, the pathetic (and please, I am not calling you pathetic, but bear with me for this) girl who pines away for the guy and chases after him, does the boy want that?  Heck, no ... he wants to go "for the chase." 

I tend to ramble, sorry, but when I see a newbie in so much pain, it hurts me.  I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug because I feel it.  Sadly, you will only get through this on your own timetable.  Nothing no one says will change that.  Some people are able to return to their normal lives and put this on the back burner while it works itself out.  Others (like I was) are focused on this 24/7, not able to think or do anything else, including jobs, taking care of family, et cetera.  It eats at you. 

Just keep posting here.  Remember that there is an end to this.  Nothing lasts forever.  It is a very bad chapter in your life ... can continue to be a few more bad chapters ... but eventually, you will get to the chapter where you start to feel normal again.  Now, it may be a new normal, but it will be a good normal.

Think of this as a gift for you to be who you want to be for a change.  You have the opportunity right now to work on yourself (I know, once again, not what you want to hear,) but it is true.  More words you will hear again:  let him twist in the wind.  Try to detach as much as possible.  The sooner you learn to do that, the quicker this whole MLC will be.  The more you try to cling to him, react to him, et cetera, the longer this MLC will last.

Hugs,

Never
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#24: November 04, 2018, 03:41:20 AM
I really wish there was a like button.
 Notdone, never is right as my h mlc seems to be never ending and I realise now ( just had an epiphany) I am partly to blame for that as 1t has just pointed out to me. I am a slow learner of my own making.
Sometimes it takes what seems like harsh words said to us but is actually heart felt to try to help us realise the consequences of our own actions.
Hugs xx
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#25: November 04, 2018, 12:56:09 PM
Thank you for the 2 x 4 Never...it was timely, appreciated and much needed.  Why am I settling for crumbs when I am worth so much more than that I ask myself constantly.  I don't beg, plead or cry in front of him.  I'm coming up to my one year BD and luckily found this site after 1 month so stopped all of that long ago but on an intuitive level, I know he knows he has me and that I'm not going anywhere.

He doesn't live at home. He lives in our vacation home an hour away and I don't for the most part instigate any communication so sometimes we can go weeks without talking.  I'm slowly learning to live my life alone with my kids, one of whom lives with me, the other is away at school. I'm trying to be that "hard to get" girl but that has never been me with my H so it's a learning curve for sure. If anyone has some tips I'm open to hearing them :)

My mirror work is knowing my own self worth and ultimately deciding if he is going to be 'enough' for me in the end.  That scares me because I do love him but I feel myself losing my respect for him and that has always been huge for me.  If I could reach through the screen I would give you a hug too. Thank you for taking the time to follow my thread. I really appreciate it.

   
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#26: November 04, 2018, 01:12:46 PM
NotDone,

I don't think you are settling for crumbs ... at all.  I think you are just so in a fog yourself right now that you cannot believe this is happening.  Trust me, I wanted to bang my head against a wall every single day. 

I remember those days ... going through the motions at work and no one knew what I was going through in my home life.  It was pure hell. 

All I can say is that throughout my whole ordeal, there was that little, itty-bitty part in me that didn't want to give up.  I don't know if it was my own ego challenging this or if I truly loved my husband.  I cannot honestly say.  Somewhere along the line, I, too, lost respect for my husband.

I was never a "hard to get" type of game player either.  I don't believe in games.  Unfortunately, in your situation right now, don't think of it as a game but as a necessity to get from Point A to Point B.  I can't say this enough:  he is a teenager right now.  He is not the man that you married.  He looks like him, but he sure doesn't act like him.

I think you are very fortunate that you have a vacation home an hour away.  Let him be.  Sorry, he isn't going to miss you any time soon ... but the more you don't cave into his space, the more he is going to begin to wonder why you are not.

I used to think if I didn't let my husband know I loved him and would do anything for him, he would turn to the OW because she was "there" for him.  It doesn't work that way.  Trust me.  I used to throw the "I cook and clean and do your laundry" out at him.  His response? 

"I really don't care if you do that.  There is a laundromat wherever you turn ... there is a McDonald's around every street corner and that's all I need."  So don't try to do anything special that will make him remember the old you.

I also wish there was a button we could press to make this go away quicker.  Unfortunately, there is not.

I posted on a few threads this morning so I'm not sure if yours is where I said to check out Hearts Blessing sitemap.  There are several good articles on there to help you get through this.  I would suggest reading them all.
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#27: November 06, 2018, 06:03:47 AM
Never - Thank you for sharing your experience and straight forward advice.  It is something we all need to hear.  Sadly, we need it over and over again so we can stay grounded while our H's are off to Fantasy Land.

Not - Great advice.  I would suggest printing and reading daily to help you.  Read it anytime you feel down or are struggling.  Just know you are not alone in this.  We are all going through it to different degrees.  Look for some positives in all this.  H is distant...but there is no monster and he is helping with money and not being selfish that way right now.  Also, you and your daughter are getting some great quality time together and every day you way up you have a great view out your window.  Concentrate on those things and try to enjoy life.  H has to go and do his thing as much as we hate it....we can't stop it.

Take care of yourself!   Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#28: November 19, 2018, 10:03:20 AM
Congrats on making it through your first bomb-a-versary!

That is a year you will never have to repeat.

You are a strong wonderful loving woman!  Keep taking care of yourself and get some sushi and chocolate.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#29: November 19, 2018, 01:21:46 PM
Hi Notdoneyet,  thanks for sharing your story.  I'm struggling with my own situation today and reading the advice from everyone on your thread has been very helpful.  Knowing your story is so similar to mine makes me feel less alone too. 

I don't have any advice you haven't heard, but I do agree with everyone telling you to not pay attention to anything he says.  In the beginning of September my H was texting really mean things and wouldn't even sit next to me in the waiting room when our oldest was having hip surgery.  By the end of September he was leaving coffee on my front porch and very soon afterwards was texting, calling, and coming over to apologize.  In the span of one month, he completely changed his tune.  We aren't done with the roller coaster yet as he moved back to his condo and then showed up at my house today to clean the garage.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring for any of us??  I think working on staying detached is the best thing to do.  We all need to protect our hearts.
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Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Separated on and off for two years
Latest move home 9/1/19
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 20 and 17

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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#30: December 07, 2018, 09:24:40 AM
Notdoneyet,

I think I lost you over the name change? I read back over your posts and I see that I have already posted to you.

How are you doing? I see that you are currently living apart from your h. - I found that when my h. moved out, at about four and a half months after BD, that although it was shocking to me, it eventually turned out to be a relief  because there were no more egg shells. I started to imprint my own rhythm to the house and I began to regain space.

It is important to take your eyes off what he is doing, he needs his space and that is why he  is  living elsewhere. I would advise you to not take any stock in what he does on FB. I found that I just couldn't do FB anymore 18 months after BD. I deactivated. In that way, I didn't get hurt.

I don't think anyone needs to play "hard to get" - in almost eight years of this, I have found that there are no strategies, there is nothing you can do that will make this go faster or deliver a desired outcome. This crisis is his and he needs to go through it. Unfortunately, you are dragged into his crisis at first, and that's why we advise you to detach from his roller coaster. So, no game playing ;)

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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#31: December 08, 2018, 05:12:29 AM
Mitzpah, thanks for following my story.  My BD was one year ago Nov 18th and when that day came, something in me just clicked. I realized that I just wasn't scared anymore. That a S or D does not mean the end of anything. That he doesn't call all the shots and that I have more power and say in how this all plays out than I give myself credit for.  I also felt that I completely lost a year of my life and when I looked in the mirror, I didn't like what I saw.  I didn't recognize myself anymore so now I am more determine to move forward.  I love my H and want nothing more than to be together but I think I'm finally getting it that this has nothing to do with me....it took me a year but I'm a slow learner lol. I live on a lake and am waiting for the ice to come so that I can put him on an ice flow and forget about him for a while :)

The thing is, he told my BIL that he wasn't coming back, not me and he still hasn't indicated that to me so my kids and I go about our daily life and H continues to join in for holidays, birthdays etc. My goal now is to just be me, not be scared, not play games, to be more empathetic and forgiving towards H and to let go of my anger...to be the person I was before all this happened.

I feel the ball is more in my court now.   My H is starting to do some AOS for me without being asked, something he has not done in a year.  These are little things that I'm trying hard not to overlook and I continue to try to not to have any expectations but I have to admit that it's nice to sometimes not feel so 'invisible' to someone who has loved you for 25 years.
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Reconnecting or a very long Touch and Go?
#32: July 23, 2020, 05:22:32 AM
I haven't been here for a very long time but that I need some guidance while I navigate this next phase.  My story;

BD 1 November 2017..we've grown apart, we have nothing in common, I'm doing great things and you're doing nothing..hmmm etc.
BD 2 July 2018...wants to separate amicably but I talk him out of it.

All of 2018 cold, distant, was a silent monster, ghosted me for weeks sometimes months on end. New Years Eve 2019 the kids and I got an email saying HNY and I love you.  February 2019 starts to email more regularly, checking up on me, generally a lot nicer than he has been.  This continued throughout the rest of the year. Nice but distant. He asked to come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas bringing his parents, it was nice, comfortable and relaxed.

Here we are in 2020, the kids S21 and D19 have been home since April and so has H. He just continued to visit more often and for longer periods and poof, he's here. Although he still goes to the city a few days a week for work, he is here more than not.  Sleeps in the guest room.  I have no idea what he's going to do when the kids go back to school.

There hasn't been any R talk except for last week.  He asked if I was still in contact with old neighbours and I said that I had not.  That the last few years had been very hard for me and that i had isolated myself.  He cut me off and said that these past few years had been hard for him too and that was that. He was visibly emotional.

I only snooped once in January 2019 and found a photo of him and ow kissing in a Photo Booth at some event as well as a card from her saying how happy she was that he came for NYE (2018).  After Christmas 2018 he said that he had to leave for a few days to get away and I guess this is where he went.  I found out these things a year after BD 1. I have never told him or anyone that I know this.  I found out right after his NYE message telling us he loved us and so didn't want to rock the boat.  He doesn't know that I know and I don't think she's around anymore. She lives out of the country, he leaves his phone out in plain site etc. These past 2.5 years have been painful but lots of growth on my part.  Got a full time job, took care of myself, the kids and our dogs not to mention the house and everything that goes with it.  I was fairly co-dependent but no more.

He talks about future plans for the house but not anything R related which is fine as he clearly isn't in a space to deal with that right now.  I have always been nice, no pressure, compassionate and welcoming when he was here.  He feels comfortable here which is nice but I am so ready to go to the next level and know that I can't because he's not ready.  I know he's probably still in reply although reply behaviours seem to be non-existent now so maybe it's the tail end, who knows. I guess I am looking for guidance and encouragement to keep on going.  I love my H and his family, we are all still close and they never stopped inviting me to family events. I can see we are in a much better space than last year.  The burden of knowing about his A sometimes eats away at me but I intuitively feel that he needs to be the one to come clean and if I bring it up, he will run. Just looking for any pearls of wisdom :)

Thanks for listening.
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Reconnecting or a very long Touch and Go?
#34: July 23, 2020, 06:45:47 AM
Hi there,

It's good to hear from you.

It seems that Covid-19 has pushed you together? Even though there seems to have been a general turning toward home over the last year.

I have not been through this, so I cannot really weigh in with advice. It seems that the subject of the affair still bothers you a lot (rightly so, I am sure).

In my case, as the affair has been out in the open since always and he divorced me five years ago, so I can't really imagine how I would deal with it, especially if I were sure the ow was out of the picture.

I think it is the lying and secrecy that bothers you most?

Congratulations on your own growth and independence - it obviously is attractive! Good on your attitude towards him too - no pressure is good!

Other veterans will probably be able to give you more advice.
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S 28
D 25
BD 13 Dec 2010
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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

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#35: July 23, 2020, 09:02:05 AM
Thanks so much Mitzpah for following along and for your encouraging words.  I have tried to stay true to myself in how I resounded to H and the situation, finally let got after 2 very long years and just started to move forward for myself.  He never asked to come home, he just inserted himself back into his old life which is okay with me. I don't know if he'll stay but just taking things one day at a time.  There will come a time for a honest discussion but right now I don't feel he's ready,  I am though but I can wait :)  I have learned to wait and yes, time has definitely become my friend.  Fought that tooth and nail in the beginning but as time as passed, I can see how you can't rush your growth or his.  It happens when it happens.

I guess I really just wanted to know if there was anyone else out there who knew about the A but didn't confront, kept it to yourself and how you handled that.

Thanks for following along.
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#36: July 23, 2020, 10:17:24 AM
Hi not done,

Welcome to “home but not home”, limbo, withdrawal, escape and avoid.  This place has many names but much of the same context of your H not ready to face himself.   There is nothing you can do with this stage except continue to focus on yourself.

My situation is somewhat similar.  I’ve been on this road for a 4 years now.  OW was on the scene for 2 years he went through withdrawal and started to want to reconnect.  He was still in replay and we started marriage counseling at the 3 year post BD mark.  It was too much for him so we stopped.  Any mention of what he has done and how it has affected me just pushes him away.  I have had to heal from the damage he has caused pretty much on my own.  I know now how none of what happened with the OW was about me.  My husband has tried to sweep things under the rug, ignore me completely and run back to replay but I am still here needing to be faced.  You will most likely see your H cycle as he tries to make sense of what has happened.  Keep your eyes forward as he does.

My H has be traveling for work the last few days and I got a text from him out of the blue today saying he needs help and he wants to change.  My response was I can’t help you as I get in the way.  You can ask my opinion about finding help but you have to take the lead and I hope you do. I have no idea what he will do now.

It has been a long and sometimes lonely road reconnecting.  You have to take in your own emotions and deal with them yourself.  I have found the more I do this the more my H comes forward. 
I always though my H would break down and see all the damage.  I just think sometimes it’s too much for him.  We are kind, we are civil but we are missing the trust and Intimacy we once had.  That’s been the hardest thing for me.

Keep the focus in yourself, tuck plan B in your back pocket and move yourself forward.  It’s easy to get stuck waiting for them to come out of the fog.  They may never come out and we have to be prepared for that scenario to play out as well. 

You sound good, you sound like you have moved forward, don’t let him pull you back.  It’s happened to me many times.  I’m learning a bit more each time.  No R talks until he initiates them and you know it is safe. 

Onward,
Roo

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Husband 55
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Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

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#37: July 23, 2020, 12:39:31 PM
Thanks Roo, I appreciate your feedback especially since you have been there, doing that.  H has done all of the reconnecting, he has reached out, asked to come home for holidays, started to do a lot of work around the house, emailed etc. I just wanted some confirmation that I was still doing the right thing by moving forward, focusing on myself even though he is home (although not 100%) but clearly not ready to address anything with no mention of the last 2.5 years.  It's as if they didn't happen. I know that he knows that some not such nice things have gone down and I sense that he might feel if he's honest about the A, that I might not want him back.  Thing is he doesn't know that I know and I'm not sure that is a good or bad thing but it is what it is and I am just going to continue to be the best me I can be for my family. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't detaching too much that I wasn't addressing things that needed to be addressed if you know what I mean.

I will continue moving forward.
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#38: July 23, 2020, 01:10:38 PM
This article helped me tremendously the last few months. 

https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-lessons-learned-will-also-be-tested/

We also went through about 6-8 months of peace I thought we were close to the end, but he still avoided looking at himself.  Since January I have been tested and tested again.  I know we will never be done until he does this on his time on his schedule. It’s a very slow process that you have to detach from.  No expectations, no waiting for a massive change.  I’ve changed a lot in the last few months, I’m finding my way forward.

Best of luck with your journey.  Keep us posted on where you are.

Roo
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

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#39: July 23, 2020, 02:41:17 PM
Thanks Roo, it's exactly what I needed.
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#40: September 13, 2020, 06:25:16 AM
Not Done -
How's everything going.
Is H still around - i.e., has anything changed now the school has started?  (Maybe they're schooling at home as many colleges are?).
Are you staying strong and detached?
Any bricks coming down?

Let us know how you're doing...
Thinking about you.
Sea
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