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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting or a very long Touch and Go?

m
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My Story Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#10: October 13, 2018, 01:02:16 PM
They probably all say "I'm never coming home".

Yes, except that they're NOT saying it to be melodramatic. 

They say it because it's what they all believe.....they truly mean it!

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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#11: October 13, 2018, 04:12:51 PM
Attaching.  Try to relax and make the bezt out of your weekend. You deserve it.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

D
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#12: October 15, 2018, 07:50:10 AM
What they say on Tuesday is not the same as what they will say on Friday. You need to detach yourself emotionally from the word salad that is coming out of their mouths or you will continue to be on an emotional roller coaster.  Stay calm and says "I am sorry you feel that way" or "I see" a lot.

This takes practices. Lots of it. 
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

n
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#13: October 15, 2018, 08:21:21 AM
Thank you Dumbfounded and to everyone else who took the time to hop on my thread. It is much appreciated.  I have simply got to find away to cope better with all of this.  I AM taking it personally every second of every day and it is slowly eating away at me. 

So apparently he is not coming back but I just checked his FB page and he has added me back on as his wife.  The confusion continues.
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#14: October 15, 2018, 08:30:39 AM
I purchased a book on Amazon that I downloaded to my phone called Detach and Survive.  Maybe try that?

You are doing better than you give yourself credit for.  Take it easy and one day at a time.

Your H is confused and has no idea which end is up right now.  Keep letting him go do what he needs to do.

BTW - My H has done the Father of the Year things too.  Doing financially for the kids when he used to belly ache that they are grown and need to take care of themselves.  What he does will be his problem...not yours.

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

D
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#15: October 15, 2018, 11:06:27 AM
Well, now it is Monday and everything is different.   ???

The fact that you acknowledge that you have to find better coping mechanisms is a win in and of itself.  It means you want to get stronger and grow. That is a good thing. 

The biggest challenge in all of this is to get to a place where your heart and your head agree that this is not about the marriage, it is not about you, it is not personal. That the MLCer is indeed having a crisis - a breakdown, identity crisis, MLC - whatever you want to call it.     
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

n
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#16: October 15, 2018, 11:38:23 AM
Yes Dumbfounded, last week he was never coming back and this week, he is now married to me again on FB.  It certainly is a new week with a new twist. I need to buy stock in TUMS.
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« Last Edit: October 15, 2018, 12:11:47 PM by notdoneyet »

e
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#17: October 30, 2018, 04:59:33 PM
Barbie said it so well here...


I suspect you are looking for a reaction . I was . I think you are hoping he will suddenly wake up and say " NOOOO... I do not want my clothes, I am sorry, I want to come home!!!". That something you will say will shock him into reality and he will see the permanent changes coming his way. I assure you...it does NOT work that way. Again... make a decision to not react, not respond and not to ask .... that is golden advise in my opinion.  Take good care of YOU and let the wind take care of itself.

I am right there with you Not Done...hard not to take it personally and wanting to respond...appeal to the sensible person we've been married to all these years...and it just never works. The only thing I've really gotten out of responding is putting H on the defensive and that makes things worse. The advice is good. I continue to work at it one day at a time. Some days are better than others.

After a while you will realize you are having more better days than those other days!!
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Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

S
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#18: October 30, 2018, 09:02:29 PM
Hey Not Done,

  Remember what one of the first things we learned here is 100% of what they say is untrue. Mine told me he would never live in our house again. In my mind I was laughing and thinking "you don't even know what you will want tomorrow" but its all good. Go on with yourself big guy.

stay strong...

-Stand

Glad you came here to vent. Best place. Never respond to anything without sleeping on it first. Clear your mind.
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When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#19: October 31, 2018, 04:31:47 AM
Attaching. So you are here but glad you found us. All the above are correct.  Don't believe a word. Just smile and thing you are a teenager throwing a fit... Tomorrow you will be in tears...
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M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

 

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