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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting or a very long Touch and Go?

n
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My Story Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#20: October 31, 2018, 04:44:55 AM
Thank you everyone for following along.  I never did send him a message and thankful that I didn't.  Sometimes they look so "normal" and its those times that when he says something like "I'm never coming back" that I take that as gospel.

After he said it, the next day he updated his marital status on FB to being married after he hasn't been for almost 10 months.  This just confirms they are bat *&$% crazy.

Detach, detach, detach.
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#21: October 31, 2018, 06:25:47 AM
You are doing well.  Glad you didn't respond to the email.  You are doing so great at just letting him alone to do his thing.  He will deal with his crap when he is ready.  Until then, enjoy the beautiful sunsets you see and visiting with your friends and neighbors and enjoying time with family!  Those are the important things in life....don't let them go to crap because H is making bad decisions.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

n
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#22: November 04, 2018, 02:55:07 AM
Thank you SAM :)
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N
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#23: November 04, 2018, 03:32:25 AM
NotDone,

Hi!  I wish I could tell you what to do and what not to do and you would be able to follow it, grow through this and see what you are going through from a crystal ball ... but I can't.

You are going through what probably most of us did in the beginning and it is the worst thing ever.  It is a kick in the gut that no one could ever understand.

I, like you, and probably everyone else, thought that my husband would wake up one day, look in the mirror and say "what in the heck am I doing?  I am so sorry for putting you and the family through this.  Let's get back on track with our marriage.  Do you forgive me, honey?" 

Unfortunately, that is not going to happen.  And while they do change their minds like a two-year-old, I am sorry to say this, don't take the good things they say right now for anything more than a grain of salt.  That is the term "anchor checking" that you will hear a lot about. 

See, in a little, tiny, itty-bitty part of their pea brain right now, they want you to be there for them ... but not now.  So even when he is being kind, adds you to his FB once again, gives you a little hope or encouragement that he is going to be done with this, he is NOT.  Do not get your hopes up because you will get disappointed.

If I could turn back the clock, I would do everything different than I did.  EVERYTHING.  Your husband needs to go through this crisis like a teenager goes through theirs.  Think of a teenage boy running from girl to girl.  Until he gets this out of his system, you mean nothing to him.  And I am so sorry to say those words to a stranger I don't even know, but please believe me, it is true.

Your husband doesn't want you right now because he has you.  I have said this story before, but imagine in high school, the girl who is "hard to get."  Every guy wants that, right?  Now, the pathetic (and please, I am not calling you pathetic, but bear with me for this) girl who pines away for the guy and chases after him, does the boy want that?  Heck, no ... he wants to go "for the chase." 

I tend to ramble, sorry, but when I see a newbie in so much pain, it hurts me.  I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug because I feel it.  Sadly, you will only get through this on your own timetable.  Nothing no one says will change that.  Some people are able to return to their normal lives and put this on the back burner while it works itself out.  Others (like I was) are focused on this 24/7, not able to think or do anything else, including jobs, taking care of family, et cetera.  It eats at you. 

Just keep posting here.  Remember that there is an end to this.  Nothing lasts forever.  It is a very bad chapter in your life ... can continue to be a few more bad chapters ... but eventually, you will get to the chapter where you start to feel normal again.  Now, it may be a new normal, but it will be a good normal.

Think of this as a gift for you to be who you want to be for a change.  You have the opportunity right now to work on yourself (I know, once again, not what you want to hear,) but it is true.  More words you will hear again:  let him twist in the wind.  Try to detach as much as possible.  The sooner you learn to do that, the quicker this whole MLC will be.  The more you try to cling to him, react to him, et cetera, the longer this MLC will last.

Hugs,

Never
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#24: November 04, 2018, 03:41:20 AM
I really wish there was a like button.
 Notdone, never is right as my h mlc seems to be never ending and I realise now ( just had an epiphany) I am partly to blame for that as 1t has just pointed out to me. I am a slow learner of my own making.
Sometimes it takes what seems like harsh words said to us but is actually heart felt to try to help us realise the consequences of our own actions.
Hugs xx
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Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

n
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#25: November 04, 2018, 12:56:09 PM
Thank you for the 2 x 4 Never...it was timely, appreciated and much needed.  Why am I settling for crumbs when I am worth so much more than that I ask myself constantly.  I don't beg, plead or cry in front of him.  I'm coming up to my one year BD and luckily found this site after 1 month so stopped all of that long ago but on an intuitive level, I know he knows he has me and that I'm not going anywhere.

He doesn't live at home. He lives in our vacation home an hour away and I don't for the most part instigate any communication so sometimes we can go weeks without talking.  I'm slowly learning to live my life alone with my kids, one of whom lives with me, the other is away at school. I'm trying to be that "hard to get" girl but that has never been me with my H so it's a learning curve for sure. If anyone has some tips I'm open to hearing them :)

My mirror work is knowing my own self worth and ultimately deciding if he is going to be 'enough' for me in the end.  That scares me because I do love him but I feel myself losing my respect for him and that has always been huge for me.  If I could reach through the screen I would give you a hug too. Thank you for taking the time to follow my thread. I really appreciate it.

   
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N
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#26: November 04, 2018, 01:12:46 PM
NotDone,

I don't think you are settling for crumbs ... at all.  I think you are just so in a fog yourself right now that you cannot believe this is happening.  Trust me, I wanted to bang my head against a wall every single day. 

I remember those days ... going through the motions at work and no one knew what I was going through in my home life.  It was pure hell. 

All I can say is that throughout my whole ordeal, there was that little, itty-bitty part in me that didn't want to give up.  I don't know if it was my own ego challenging this or if I truly loved my husband.  I cannot honestly say.  Somewhere along the line, I, too, lost respect for my husband.

I was never a "hard to get" type of game player either.  I don't believe in games.  Unfortunately, in your situation right now, don't think of it as a game but as a necessity to get from Point A to Point B.  I can't say this enough:  he is a teenager right now.  He is not the man that you married.  He looks like him, but he sure doesn't act like him.

I think you are very fortunate that you have a vacation home an hour away.  Let him be.  Sorry, he isn't going to miss you any time soon ... but the more you don't cave into his space, the more he is going to begin to wonder why you are not.

I used to think if I didn't let my husband know I loved him and would do anything for him, he would turn to the OW because she was "there" for him.  It doesn't work that way.  Trust me.  I used to throw the "I cook and clean and do your laundry" out at him.  His response? 

"I really don't care if you do that.  There is a laundromat wherever you turn ... there is a McDonald's around every street corner and that's all I need."  So don't try to do anything special that will make him remember the old you.

I also wish there was a button we could press to make this go away quicker.  Unfortunately, there is not.

I posted on a few threads this morning so I'm not sure if yours is where I said to check out Hearts Blessing sitemap.  There are several good articles on there to help you get through this.  I would suggest reading them all.
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#27: November 06, 2018, 06:03:47 AM
Never - Thank you for sharing your experience and straight forward advice.  It is something we all need to hear.  Sadly, we need it over and over again so we can stay grounded while our H's are off to Fantasy Land.

Not - Great advice.  I would suggest printing and reading daily to help you.  Read it anytime you feel down or are struggling.  Just know you are not alone in this.  We are all going through it to different degrees.  Look for some positives in all this.  H is distant...but there is no monster and he is helping with money and not being selfish that way right now.  Also, you and your daughter are getting some great quality time together and every day you way up you have a great view out your window.  Concentrate on those things and try to enjoy life.  H has to go and do his thing as much as we hate it....we can't stop it.

Take care of yourself!   Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#28: November 19, 2018, 10:03:20 AM
Congrats on making it through your first bomb-a-versary!

That is a year you will never have to repeat.

You are a strong wonderful loving woman!  Keep taking care of yourself and get some sushi and chocolate.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

D
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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#29: November 19, 2018, 01:21:46 PM
Hi Notdoneyet,  thanks for sharing your story.  I'm struggling with my own situation today and reading the advice from everyone on your thread has been very helpful.  Knowing your story is so similar to mine makes me feel less alone too. 

I don't have any advice you haven't heard, but I do agree with everyone telling you to not pay attention to anything he says.  In the beginning of September my H was texting really mean things and wouldn't even sit next to me in the waiting room when our oldest was having hip surgery.  By the end of September he was leaving coffee on my front porch and very soon afterwards was texting, calling, and coming over to apologize.  In the span of one month, he completely changed his tune.  We aren't done with the roller coaster yet as he moved back to his condo and then showed up at my house today to clean the garage.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring for any of us??  I think working on staying detached is the best thing to do.  We all need to protect our hearts.
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Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Separated on and off for two years
Latest move home 9/1/19
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 20 and 17

 

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