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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting or a very long Touch and Go?

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My Story Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#30: December 07, 2018, 09:24:40 AM
Notdoneyet,

I think I lost you over the name change? I read back over your posts and I see that I have already posted to you.

How are you doing? I see that you are currently living apart from your h. - I found that when my h. moved out, at about four and a half months after BD, that although it was shocking to me, it eventually turned out to be a relief  because there were no more egg shells. I started to imprint my own rhythm to the house and I began to regain space.

It is important to take your eyes off what he is doing, he needs his space and that is why he  is  living elsewhere. I would advise you to not take any stock in what he does on FB. I found that I just couldn't do FB anymore 18 months after BD. I deactivated. In that way, I didn't get hurt.

I don't think anyone needs to play "hard to get" - in almost eight years of this, I have found that there are no strategies, there is nothing you can do that will make this go faster or deliver a desired outcome. This crisis is his and he needs to go through it. Unfortunately, you are dragged into his crisis at first, and that's why we advise you to detach from his roller coaster. So, no game playing ;)

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M 58
H 58
S 28
D 25
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

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Re: he says he's not coming back....advice please
#31: December 08, 2018, 05:12:29 AM
Mitzpah, thanks for following my story.  My BD was one year ago Nov 18th and when that day came, something in me just clicked. I realized that I just wasn't scared anymore. That a S or D does not mean the end of anything. That he doesn't call all the shots and that I have more power and say in how this all plays out than I give myself credit for.  I also felt that I completely lost a year of my life and when I looked in the mirror, I didn't like what I saw.  I didn't recognize myself anymore so now I am more determine to move forward.  I love my H and want nothing more than to be together but I think I'm finally getting it that this has nothing to do with me....it took me a year but I'm a slow learner lol. I live on a lake and am waiting for the ice to come so that I can put him on an ice flow and forget about him for a while :)

The thing is, he told my BIL that he wasn't coming back, not me and he still hasn't indicated that to me so my kids and I go about our daily life and H continues to join in for holidays, birthdays etc. My goal now is to just be me, not be scared, not play games, to be more empathetic and forgiving towards H and to let go of my anger...to be the person I was before all this happened.

I feel the ball is more in my court now.   My H is starting to do some AOS for me without being asked, something he has not done in a year.  These are little things that I'm trying hard not to overlook and I continue to try to not to have any expectations but I have to admit that it's nice to sometimes not feel so 'invisible' to someone who has loved you for 25 years.
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Reconnecting or a very long Touch and Go?
#32: July 23, 2020, 05:22:32 AM
I haven't been here for a very long time but that I need some guidance while I navigate this next phase.  My story;

BD 1 November 2017..we've grown apart, we have nothing in common, I'm doing great things and you're doing nothing..hmmm etc.
BD 2 July 2018...wants to separate amicably but I talk him out of it.

All of 2018 cold, distant, was a silent monster, ghosted me for weeks sometimes months on end. New Years Eve 2019 the kids and I got an email saying HNY and I love you.  February 2019 starts to email more regularly, checking up on me, generally a lot nicer than he has been.  This continued throughout the rest of the year. Nice but distant. He asked to come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas bringing his parents, it was nice, comfortable and relaxed.

Here we are in 2020, the kids S21 and D19 have been home since April and so has H. He just continued to visit more often and for longer periods and poof, he's here. Although he still goes to the city a few days a week for work, he is here more than not.  Sleeps in the guest room.  I have no idea what he's going to do when the kids go back to school.

There hasn't been any R talk except for last week.  He asked if I was still in contact with old neighbours and I said that I had not.  That the last few years had been very hard for me and that i had isolated myself.  He cut me off and said that these past few years had been hard for him too and that was that. He was visibly emotional.

I only snooped once in January 2019 and found a photo of him and ow kissing in a Photo Booth at some event as well as a card from her saying how happy she was that he came for NYE (2018).  After Christmas 2018 he said that he had to leave for a few days to get away and I guess this is where he went.  I found out these things a year after BD 1. I have never told him or anyone that I know this.  I found out right after his NYE message telling us he loved us and so didn't want to rock the boat.  He doesn't know that I know and I don't think she's around anymore. She lives out of the country, he leaves his phone out in plain site etc. These past 2.5 years have been painful but lots of growth on my part.  Got a full time job, took care of myself, the kids and our dogs not to mention the house and everything that goes with it.  I was fairly co-dependent but no more.

He talks about future plans for the house but not anything R related which is fine as he clearly isn't in a space to deal with that right now.  I have always been nice, no pressure, compassionate and welcoming when he was here.  He feels comfortable here which is nice but I am so ready to go to the next level and know that I can't because he's not ready.  I know he's probably still in reply although reply behaviours seem to be non-existent now so maybe it's the tail end, who knows. I guess I am looking for guidance and encouragement to keep on going.  I love my H and his family, we are all still close and they never stopped inviting me to family events. I can see we are in a much better space than last year.  The burden of knowing about his A sometimes eats away at me but I intuitively feel that he needs to be the one to come clean and if I bring it up, he will run. Just looking for any pearls of wisdom :)

Thanks for listening.
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Reconnecting or a very long Touch and Go?
#34: July 23, 2020, 06:45:47 AM
Hi there,

It's good to hear from you.

It seems that Covid-19 has pushed you together? Even though there seems to have been a general turning toward home over the last year.

I have not been through this, so I cannot really weigh in with advice. It seems that the subject of the affair still bothers you a lot (rightly so, I am sure).

In my case, as the affair has been out in the open since always and he divorced me five years ago, so I can't really imagine how I would deal with it, especially if I were sure the ow was out of the picture.

I think it is the lying and secrecy that bothers you most?

Congratulations on your own growth and independence - it obviously is attractive! Good on your attitude towards him too - no pressure is good!

Other veterans will probably be able to give you more advice.
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M 58
H 58
S 28
D 25
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

n
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#35: July 23, 2020, 09:02:05 AM
Thanks so much Mitzpah for following along and for your encouraging words.  I have tried to stay true to myself in how I resounded to H and the situation, finally let got after 2 very long years and just started to move forward for myself.  He never asked to come home, he just inserted himself back into his old life which is okay with me. I don't know if he'll stay but just taking things one day at a time.  There will come a time for a honest discussion but right now I don't feel he's ready,  I am though but I can wait :)  I have learned to wait and yes, time has definitely become my friend.  Fought that tooth and nail in the beginning but as time as passed, I can see how you can't rush your growth or his.  It happens when it happens.

I guess I really just wanted to know if there was anyone else out there who knew about the A but didn't confront, kept it to yourself and how you handled that.

Thanks for following along.
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#36: July 23, 2020, 10:17:24 AM
Hi not done,

Welcome to “home but not home”, limbo, withdrawal, escape and avoid.  This place has many names but much of the same context of your H not ready to face himself.   There is nothing you can do with this stage except continue to focus on yourself.

My situation is somewhat similar.  I’ve been on this road for a 4 years now.  OW was on the scene for 2 years he went through withdrawal and started to want to reconnect.  He was still in replay and we started marriage counseling at the 3 year post BD mark.  It was too much for him so we stopped.  Any mention of what he has done and how it has affected me just pushes him away.  I have had to heal from the damage he has caused pretty much on my own.  I know now how none of what happened with the OW was about me.  My husband has tried to sweep things under the rug, ignore me completely and run back to replay but I am still here needing to be faced.  You will most likely see your H cycle as he tries to make sense of what has happened.  Keep your eyes forward as he does.

My H has be traveling for work the last few days and I got a text from him out of the blue today saying he needs help and he wants to change.  My response was I can’t help you as I get in the way.  You can ask my opinion about finding help but you have to take the lead and I hope you do. I have no idea what he will do now.

It has been a long and sometimes lonely road reconnecting.  You have to take in your own emotions and deal with them yourself.  I have found the more I do this the more my H comes forward. 
I always though my H would break down and see all the damage.  I just think sometimes it’s too much for him.  We are kind, we are civil but we are missing the trust and Intimacy we once had.  That’s been the hardest thing for me.

Keep the focus in yourself, tuck plan B in your back pocket and move yourself forward.  It’s easy to get stuck waiting for them to come out of the fog.  They may never come out and we have to be prepared for that scenario to play out as well. 

You sound good, you sound like you have moved forward, don’t let him pull you back.  It’s happened to me many times.  I’m learning a bit more each time.  No R talks until he initiates them and you know it is safe. 

Onward,
Roo

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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

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#37: July 23, 2020, 12:39:31 PM
Thanks Roo, I appreciate your feedback especially since you have been there, doing that.  H has done all of the reconnecting, he has reached out, asked to come home for holidays, started to do a lot of work around the house, emailed etc. I just wanted some confirmation that I was still doing the right thing by moving forward, focusing on myself even though he is home (although not 100%) but clearly not ready to address anything with no mention of the last 2.5 years.  It's as if they didn't happen. I know that he knows that some not such nice things have gone down and I sense that he might feel if he's honest about the A, that I might not want him back.  Thing is he doesn't know that I know and I'm not sure that is a good or bad thing but it is what it is and I am just going to continue to be the best me I can be for my family. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't detaching too much that I wasn't addressing things that needed to be addressed if you know what I mean.

I will continue moving forward.
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#38: July 23, 2020, 01:10:38 PM
This article helped me tremendously the last few months. 

https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-lessons-learned-will-also-be-tested/

We also went through about 6-8 months of peace I thought we were close to the end, but he still avoided looking at himself.  Since January I have been tested and tested again.  I know we will never be done until he does this on his time on his schedule. It’s a very slow process that you have to detach from.  No expectations, no waiting for a massive change.  I’ve changed a lot in the last few months, I’m finding my way forward.

Best of luck with your journey.  Keep us posted on where you are.

Roo
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

n
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#39: July 23, 2020, 02:41:17 PM
Thanks Roo, it's exactly what I needed.
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