Author Topic: My Story Just Breathe  (Read 2402 times)

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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My Story Just Breathe
« on: October 15, 2018, 10:02:05 AM »
Previous Thread:

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10176.0

Time for a new thread. I lost count how many this makes, all I know is that this forum has become my tribe, my family and I feel like I am at home when I am on here.
Thank you to each and every one of you that has taken the time to support and carry me through this.
The title to this thread came from my new attempt to just let things happen. To stop trying to fix, to learn to accept. All that is required of me is to "Just breathe"

Not much going on in MLC land here - I guess we are at a rhythm of contacting me every 5 months, which means February would be the next one. I still don't understand the point of it or the logic, but like UM always drills into us - you cannot taste the color green and we cannot understand any of this.
My not so favorite time of year is coming up - shorter days, rainy and foggy and of course the holidays, which usually means I fall back into comradery with my dear old friend of depression. Trying to fight it as always, but it's hard.

What I am currently trying to figure out is how to focus on the good. I am healthy, my daughter is healthy and pursuing her dream of becoming a teacher, I have a good job, I have a roof over my head and I have so many blessings in my life. The only thing missing is my H.
With all the good in my life, why can I not refocus on that. Why focus on only one thing that I do not have in my life right now.
I know I am blessed, but how do I get my heart to feel all the blessings that my head knows I have?

This struggle is nothing new to me really, I always struggled with this and I blame my narcissistic father for it as nothing was ever good enough. If you were excited about getting all As and one B in your report card, he would point out what a disappointment you are because it wasn't all A's. If you finished second in a race of 25 and were happy, he would point out that you did not win it.

My IC tried to work on reteaching my inner child, but it's just not working yet.

But, at least I know I need to work on it, which is already a step in the right direction. Patience, patience and more patience.


Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2018, 10:24:25 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, S.

Maybe your old friend will not be so depressing this year.  I think when you've gone through it once or twice it does get easier.  I don't know why that is.  Time?  Or just that you've already gone thru it once and survived.  IDK
I do know the 1st are always the hardest.

Do you get snow where you live?

I found the 1st winter was very depressing (Jan. bd) so I decided I was not going to stay inside and wallow.  I went to a sporting goods store and bought expensive winter wear.  Unless it was below zero I got out there every day.  It did wonders for my head and I ended up loving Winter for the first time in my adult life. 

Maybe find something you like doing this upcoming season.  It at least might help.   :)

I am glad you have so many beautiful blessings on your life.

 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline nah

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2018, 10:25:26 AM »
66,

You sound like you are on the right track.  I'm not sure if you realize that you do sound better than you did a year ago.

Keep doing what you're doing, you're a lot stronger than you think.
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Whyus

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #3 on: October 15, 2018, 10:35:40 AM »
Hi S.
Thank you for asking those questions in your Opening Post.
I have alot to live for right now, my life is Good but i still ask myself those questions Everyday. I wonder if it will ever stop. I hope so but right Now i just want to throw Everything in and leave it all behind, move away from the ghosts and triggers and start again. Be free of Everything but i know that is not the answer.
The BS just gets too much sometimes

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2018, 05:56:19 PM »
Quote
With all the good in my life, why can I not refocus on that. Why focus on only one thing that I do not have in my life right now.
I know I am blessed, but how do I get my heart to feel all the blessings that my head knows I have?
.

I struggle with exactly this as well. I actually have been thinking about this a lot lately ..funny you should mention it. I too have much to be blessed about and yet cannot "feel" it ... at all. Flat. Its very concerning to me actually. Hope we figure it out .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline BrenM

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #5 on: October 15, 2018, 06:36:01 PM »

To stop trying to fix, to learn to accept. All that is required of me is to "Just breathe"



I absolutely love this ❤️.  My IC constantly tells me to just breathe....don't worry about tomorrow or next week...just concentrate on NOW...this minute, this hour, this day.


Following along on your journey my MLC sister.
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2018, 05:15:10 AM »
Yep, tasting green

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #7 on: October 16, 2018, 06:33:11 AM »
You have indeed come a very long way. It is so good to hear this..and I know, there are times when you probably still feel such deep pain...but the tone of your posts have changed greatly and I hope that the moments of peace are more and more frequent.

SAD (seasonal affective disorder) is very difficult. Try and get outside as much as you possibly can. Perhaps consider getting one of those lights for your office area.

I am fortunate to live in Colorado where we get more than 300 days of sunshine a year. When I go back home, I find the grayness and lack of sunshine really affects me.

Thanks for letting us know how you are doing!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #8 on: October 16, 2018, 07:00:08 AM »
SAD (seasonal affective disorder) is very difficult. Try and get outside as much as you possibly can. Perhaps consider getting one of those lights for your office area.

I am fortunate to live in Colorado where we get more than 300 days of sunshine a year. When I go back home, I find the grayness and lack of sunshine really affects me.

I practically LIVED in front of one off those lights when I came to Germany from CO.... Going from 300+ days where the sun shines at LEAST 4 hours per day to a country where there are usually about 60 days in a year where the sun shines the whole day and maybe another 60 with 4 hours (that is why Germany is so much better at producing solar power than AZ according to some AZ Congressman <facepalm>)  kicked my furry rear end.... I've been here 22 years and still feel it.... at least this year we have had a glorious summer...

But, even being outside on a cloudy day is brighter than those lights in terms of sheer lumens (Candlepower) on the retina
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #9 on: October 16, 2018, 03:45:15 PM »
I think any holidays are difficult for lbs in general. Add SAD into the mix and it’s trulynrough. Hugs friend. Go easy  and lavish with self care all you can.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #10 on: October 26, 2018, 08:38:45 PM »
Attaching. 

I love your title!
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #11 on: October 31, 2018, 04:19:19 PM »
Prayers for me please.
No trigger - out of nowhere I spiraled down to the depth of pain. Just like when it first happened.
I know these down spirals don’t last as long, but it’s been a while since I hit one this bad.
Can’t stop crying over losing the love of my life. I still miss him so much it hurts.
Trying to just breathe and let things unfold as it is all we can do.
Let go and let God and God knows I’m trying, but dammit it hurts.

I know I will be okay, just not tonight. Tomorrow is another day to just breathe.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Acorn

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #12 on: October 31, 2018, 04:28:03 PM »
Dearest Schratz, I’m so sorry you are hurting right now.  (((((((HUGS))))))))
I truly understand the kind of pain you are describing.  It feels as though the sun will never shine again but it will.  This, too, shall pass.

You are in my thoughts.  May God hold you in the palm of His loving hand...
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #13 on: October 31, 2018, 08:24:12 PM »
Deep in our brains are all kinds of connections, even though they are not physically in our lives, those connections persist.

There are many holiday’s approaching. Our loss is enormous as is our grief. We do have better times but we also must be prepared for those bad days.

I hope you get some rest and that tomorrow is a better day.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/site-map.html
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Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #14 on: November 01, 2018, 11:09:00 AM »
Just a brief update - yes, today is another day and so much better.
I honestly have no clue where the melt down came from yesterday - it was exhausting.
Guess I got it out of my system and am back to just taking it one day at a time.
Wow - this really is such a rollercoaster ride, but I am glad I have such a safe place here to express myself when needed and always find kindred souls.

Upward and onward we go
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #15 on: November 01, 2018, 11:47:21 AM »
Aw S, I'm so sorry you had such a down day.

You have gone through so much.  Especially with a Vanisher.  It's very hard.
I'm glad it only lasted a day and you are feeling better.

Sometimes we need to take a day of mourning and feel what we are going to feel.
It's no fun but it is healing.

Sometimes I wonder why we don't all hate them.   :(
But being of sound mind we know their are sick in the head to do something like this, it's not their true self,  so we don't have it in us to hate them.

{{Big warm Hug, S}}
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNot

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #16 on: November 01, 2018, 01:10:06 PM »
Attaching S66!

Glad that today is a better day! Hugs and Prayers as always!
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #17 on: November 01, 2018, 03:14:42 PM »
Following along 66.
Yes you have came a long way since last year. Look at you!!
You had a down day, today you are back to living on. That's all you can do 66.
Don't think of last year. Just keep going. Holidays can be the worst, but they can also be the best. Try and stay positive 66.
Hang in there. The tribe will always be here.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #18 on: November 01, 2018, 06:31:39 PM »
Glad you are feeling better today.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/site-map.html
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Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #19 on: November 01, 2018, 08:05:43 PM »
I am so sorry you had a re-visit to the black whole ..it does suck us under when we least expect it. It makes us believe we are not improving. But the next day...we feel somewhat stable again, stronger and we do carry on again. So there is the proof. I understand completely and utterly that desperation and anguish... I believe that for the 1st almost 3 years , I was at its mercy and succumbed to such deep despair. But it weakens its hold and depth of pain as time and healing happens. You got back up again S66 and there lies the victory! I am very impressed by you and that is the truth... you honestly came up from the darkest of all places a human wants to experience. Keep going.... Hugs ! You are your own hero time and time and time again.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #20 on: November 08, 2018, 03:10:05 PM »
I’ve been having okay days for the most part and the upcoming holidays do not seem as terrifying as last year, so I must be evolving.

 Just curious what your thoughts are on this. I know we all assume that our MLC had FoO issues, which caused their MLC.
What if we are wrong though, and these former girlfriends or you get women are really their true loves and they couldn’t help but go after the one chance to make their dreams come true?
What if we should be happy that our spouses found their one true love that is meant to be.

I keep thinking it would be easier if I knew if OW was still in the picture or not,and I am sure he would tell me if only I asked, but then it might be more hurtful to know she’s gone and yet he still doesn’t want to come home.

So I guess, I just leave it be and do my thing and trust in the universe figuring out what is meant for me and what isn’t.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online megogirl

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #21 on: November 08, 2018, 03:17:40 PM »
Just curious what your thoughts are on this. I know we all assume that our MLC had FoO issues, which caused their MLC.
What if we are wrong though, and these former girlfriends or you get women are really their true loves and they couldn’t help but go after the one chance to make their dreams come true
?

Simply stated, this scenario is impossible.....

Because an adulterous relationship is superficial from Day One.  They spend all of their time sneaking around.  If a relationship is founded and sustained in hiding, how "real" can it be?!

Real love is built on mutual respect, and trust.....how could an MLC'er feel either with an OW?! 

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #22 on: November 08, 2018, 05:56:20 PM »
Glad that you are definitely doing better! I know that holidays looming are always unsettling.

Quote
What if we should be happy that our spouses found their one true love that is meant to be.

Unfortunately, there is no 100% way to "diagnose" MLC but there is more than just an OW in the picture.

Did he ever express to you that he was unhappy in your marriage? Did he try to figure things out with you before he left for a women he had not seen in years? Is he in touch with your daughter?

Because we don't get a chance to see them, we don't get to see many of the other "symptoms" that they show.

I still feel that there should be more explanation to the LBS before they run out the door..it just doesn't make sense.

Quote
I keep thinking it would be easier if I knew if OW was still in the picture or not,and I am sure he would tell me if only I asked, but then it might be more hurtful to know she’s gone and yet he still doesn’t want to come home.

I don't tolerate knowledge of OW and prefer to not know anything...as long as he doesn't want to be a part our family, then anything he does is meaningless to me.

The curious thing is, if they are so madly in love, why do they keep these women such a big secret???

You are doing well...one day at a time!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/site-map.html
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
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Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #23 on: November 09, 2018, 06:54:11 AM »
I agree, if they really found the love of their life, then they can be decent about it and do things properly.

First off, be honest.  I'm sorry but I am in love with someone else.
Second, get a divorce so you are not cheating.  Make her legitimate, not an affair partner, that's not showing love and respect.
Thirdly, be kind to the spouse.  They didn't ask for this. Don't blame her/him or use her/him or lie to her/him.

No there is much more than running away and leaving someone devastated.
That's what MLCer's do.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Anon

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #24 on: November 09, 2018, 07:21:52 AM »
Quote
it might be more hurtful to know she’s gone and yet he still doesn’t want to come home.

He didn’t leave because he met OW, he left because he’s in a MLC.    OW is just one facet and if he leaves her, he easily could still be in MLC.   I wouldn’t expect a reconnection for 2 years at a minimum and maybe 3.   Patience and time - keep looking the other way for awhile yet.

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #25 on: November 09, 2018, 08:52:50 AM »
Thank you for your thoughts on this. Some times I just get random thoughts going and need to bounce them off people that are in similar situations.

XY - he never once said he was unhappy - as a matter of fact 3 weeks prior to BD I was still the best thing in his life and he missed me every day he had to spend out of town for work. That is how I pinpointed when OW contacted him as he completely changed over night.

He has not once contacted my daughter knowing that he was her 'dad' and she needed him.

And the other part was that two years prior to BD he stopped doing all the things he used to enjoy in life, which I guess if he wasn't MLC he wouldn't have.

Anyway - enough monkey braining for me - all that it will do is make my brain hurt from all the possibilities and nobody will ever know what the truth is. I guess time will tell and until then I have a life to live. I think some of us carry too much child hood baggage with us ourselves and this abandonment just brings it back forefront. I want to deal with all that and I want to be happy about being me and loving me regardless if my father couldn't and my husband can't right now.

I have been applying for several jobs, not because I hate my current one, but to find something to sink my teeth in and to be challenged and move forward. I do feel stronger in the need to find myself and to find joy again in my life. Thank you all for riding along this crazy train with me.


Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #26 on: November 12, 2018, 09:36:53 AM »
Weird:

This morning H send me an email:

Are you ok ? Had a terrible dream

What the heck ? The last 15 months I could have fell terminally ill, been hit by a bus, lost my mother or my daughter and he wouldn’t have known nor cared.
But he has a dream and has to check on me ???

I don’t get it. I really don’t get it.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #27 on: November 12, 2018, 09:48:27 AM »
Oh boy.

He obviously has you on his mind to dream about you.  Maybe the guilt made it a nightmare for him.

I hope you said...after waiting an hour or so, "I'm good, thanks for checking on me."
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #28 on: November 12, 2018, 11:05:19 AM »
It was 4 hours later. I just said I was alive and well and asked how I died in his dream. He replied he doesn’t want to discuss his dream, petname, but he was pretty shook up and is glad I’m well.

Maybe OW tortured me in his dream...lol

Pisses me off to contact me and then say he doesn’t want to discuss it.
First time in 12 months he used my petname.

Just odd. Really odd. Guess stuff is going on in his subconscious.

I’m just leaving it be now. Wish I hadn’t even asked about his dream, but it’s done.
It’s hard to not ask five million questions, but I won’t. Back to leaving him be to his own guilty conscience or messed up mind.

Hey, in case nobody has noticed - this MLC crap is hard :)


Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #29 on: November 12, 2018, 11:33:54 AM »
It is hard 66. Your doing good.  For you to make a little joking remark about the dream, shows how good you are doing.

You have mist definetly been on his mind 66. I might would say, he couldn't tell you about his dream because it didn't happen. That was his excuse to ask about you. But you never know with Mixer.
Either way, dream or not. Your still on his mind.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #30 on: November 12, 2018, 01:27:04 PM »
I think I recall Hearts Blessing saying this is how God does his work if we let go and get out of the way, that we think they are happy but they are tormented sometimes by memories, reminders and dreams....
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #31 on: November 12, 2018, 01:29:44 PM »
YEEEUP! 

You did good, S.

Now back to our regular channel.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #32 on: November 12, 2018, 04:41:48 PM »
Try as they might. They cannot forget us.  I'm glad yours gave you a little hint of that.  Mine was pretty silent about that kind of stuff the first year too. It is nice to hear, but it wreaks havoc in the "No expectations" and rope dropping things. At least for me. As long as you are aware of it though, you should be fine.


Doing great friend.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online megogirl

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #33 on: November 12, 2018, 05:42:47 PM »
Try as they might. They cannot forget us.  I'm glad yours gave you a little hint of that

Somewhere, in the back of my brain, I know this is true.  But I'm just sad, and jealous, because my H is totally GONE.  No phone calls - other than twice a day, and only to S15 - and zero dreams (unless I don't know about them!)

So, consider yourself lucky.  That is...if you even care (?)

Offline Whyus

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #34 on: November 12, 2018, 11:09:54 PM »
Try as they might. They cannot forget us.
My XW has a reminder of me everytime that she sees one of my Boys, its like looking at me  :). When I see S20, he has None of XWs Features, all mine and S19 just has XWs nose


Somewhere, in the back of my brain, I know this is true.
This is true, they will never Forget what damage they have done to the Person who loved them for who they really are, i surely wouldnt want to live with that. No wonder that they disappear
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #35 on: November 13, 2018, 09:53:47 AM »
Dang - this is getting crazy - used to have several months between contacts from the Vanisher, but after yesterdays' weird email and trying to recoup from that, I run into him outside my work building this morning. (He works in the building next door so it's not like he purposely tried to run into me).

He looked and said, yup, you are still alive, laughed and walked off. Like today it's a joke when yesterday he was so distraught about dreaming of me dying.
And for the very first time in 17 months I became mad. Mad at me still loving him, mad at him not giving a damn about how his contacts mess with my heart, mad at him playing it off cool today when yesterday he was 'distraught', mad to the point of wanting to not ever reply to any of his contacts.

I did notice that he has new glasses, and new sweater - a style that he would have never picked himself, so I assume OW is still in the picture and dressing him now. Wonder where she was when he was distraught over his bad dream.

Trying so hard to get back to focusing on me.....and just breathing
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #36 on: November 13, 2018, 10:18:48 AM »
Sounds like he was nervous and had to laugh and run off.  He probably didn't know what to say.
Don't think that didn't effect him too, I'm sure it did S.

Ok well next time make it even shorter  "yes"  "no"  or nothing.  You're choice.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #37 on: November 13, 2018, 10:40:08 AM »
Or learn to send him some real nightmare type of dreams lol (and congratulations for no witty riposte like 'sorry to hear about your accident...oh no wait, that's next Tuesday.....)

You're doing ok, 66, really you are  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #38 on: November 13, 2018, 01:51:19 PM »
(and congratulations for no witty riposte like 'sorry to hear about your accident...oh no wait, that's next Tuesday.....)



LOL--Love this Treasur!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #39 on: November 14, 2018, 08:25:18 AM »
Treasur...when he said he couldn't discuss the dream because it was so terrible, for a moment I soooo wanted to respond with a sarcastic response like please: Please do discuss maybe it's something I haven't thought of yet or was it one of my old plans of blowing my brains out in your office or jumping off the roof in front of your car so you couldn't drive on.....
But I did not so I was very proud of me.

Thunder, I think you are right - in hindsight I am almost certain he was nervous and didn't know how to act or what to say.

After a great ugly cry last night, I am doing real good. Every time my mind wants to replay the last few days, I tell myself out loud to 'Let it go'.

Here is a newfound realization I had - as a newbie on here 17 months ago I did not understand how anybody could not want to stand for their marriage. At this point, while I still love my H and am still standing, I get how after a while all their nonsense actions and confusion and living in limbo can get so exhausting that the LBS will have had enough.

I prayed last night for God to help me not become bitter and to help me deal with this pain and to help me heal with or without my H in my future. I know I will be okay either way, just need that extra help from above in soaking up the pain inside.

My new mantra is that H is dead to me for now. That way I cannot What if or worry about what he is doing, because he is no longer in existence.

Again, I cannot thank you enough for this forum and all the love and support provided here.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #40 on: November 14, 2018, 08:30:58 AM »
S. I remember the exact day I gave up and asked God to please take this in his hands because I couldn't do it anymore.
It was such a big relief.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #41 on: November 14, 2018, 09:06:18 AM »
That's the best you can do 66. And THE best thing to do!!
You should be proud. Wr are not in control 66. Just let it go.

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #42 on: November 14, 2018, 04:10:45 PM »
they will never Forget what damage they have done to the Person who loved them for who they really are

I can only pray that this isn't lost on my H.

Because I've been with H since he weighed 400 (+?) lbs.  And, I've been with him since he made little money. 

Now he's successful, pretty wealthy, and of normal weight.  And -- he kicked me to the CURB -- WTF!!!

I know he knows that OW is a shallow b*tc# who doesn't love him for who he is.  Because when I first learned about her, I'd asked, "Would she have been with you before you lost weight?"  He answered, "No....I don't think that she would have been an option."
« Last Edit: November 14, 2018, 04:15:21 PM by megogirl »

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #43 on: November 14, 2018, 05:42:24 PM »
Quick monkey braining question to the veterans. Why would he have used my petname for the first time again in 13 months ? And it’s not a slip up as he’s careful to differentiate. Was it just an emotional moment in him when he dreamt of me dying ?
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online megogirl

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #44 on: November 14, 2018, 06:06:45 PM »
Because he was having a "pocket of clarity" per RCR, or in "Prisoner" mode, or both.

Prisoner-mode is your "true" spouse, breaking through the crisis.  This personality will sound desperate - so to use a pet name would be a classic case.

Enjoy Prisoner while it lasts.....I know that I did ;)
« Last Edit: November 14, 2018, 06:08:45 PM by megogirl »

Offline Unraveled

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #45 on: November 14, 2018, 06:11:46 PM »
Because it was a cheap way to keep you on the shelf as Plan B just in case.  You've come so far, he is feeling your detachment.  Keep it up.

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #46 on: November 15, 2018, 05:22:52 PM »
Mine calls me my pet name when he feels like he’s losing me....Always gives me a bit of momentary satisfaction.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #47 on: November 16, 2018, 04:48:43 AM »
66
Just enjoy the moment. Don't look too much into it.
I've been called by my name for over 2 years by my W. She never called me by my name.

Offline Nas

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #48 on: November 16, 2018, 06:14:02 AM »
Back in July, my H euthanized my dog and let me find out about it on Facebook.  I sent him a message and in our brief conversation, he called me by his nickname for me...a nickname that back in Dec 2015 I expressly forbid him from calling me because it's a nickname only used by people who respect and care about me.  In March 2016 he called me the nickname and then cried and said, "Even though you told me not to call you that anymore."

So it's not lost on him that that nickname has meaning to me.  Was he being manipulative in July when he used it after he had done something so cruel as to not tell me about my beloved dog's death?  Was he caught up in his own grief and fell back into an old habit?  Was he testing me, trying to goad me into forbidding him again so he could tell himself I'm a b*tc# and that's why he left and that's why he didn't tell me the dog died?

I'll never know.  He probably doesn't even know.  Best not to place much importance on it because you can really just keep going in circles on something there's no answer for.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #49 on: November 16, 2018, 07:56:42 AM »
I think I told you how mine slipped a few times calling me honey, but right after he did he looked like he was in shock.  I honestly think he did feel some kind of connection and it came out, but it was for a split second and it never changed anything.  Familiar name when he was around me?  Probably.

But it does make you monkey brain, trying to find a reason.

I think just the fact that he called you worried meant more than the name he called you.  I was a bit of movement, even if short lived.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #50 on: November 19, 2018, 05:25:50 AM »
So, oddness continues in his life. For the last 25 years H never worked the week of Thanksgiving. EVER. It's his tradition to take that week off.
He is working this week.
With the OW living out of State that of course throws me back into wondering if they are no longer together, because otherwise he certainly would have taken the week off to spend with her.
And that is one of the reasons why I need to find another job - this working in the same building just leads to looking for his vehicle and leads to overthinking and it's bad for my soul.
Seeing his car this morning has thrown me for a major loop again. Even though knowing that just because he may or may not be with OW any more does not mean he is ready to come home.
He might never come home and I need to quit thinking that way.
If only the heart and the brain could synchronize and work together.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #51 on: November 19, 2018, 05:31:46 AM »
I suppose it is hard to see when he's at work and when he isn't.  Makes the brain overload.

Try not to write anything into it.  Maybe she is going somewhere for Thanksgiving or he couldn't get the week off for some reason.  Could be all kinds of reasons why he is working this week.

Just concentrate on you having a nice Thanksgiving.

All will reveal itself in time, S.

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #52 on: November 20, 2018, 05:55:40 AM »
Thunder is a lot nicer to you than she was to me when I was talking about seeing STBXW's car in front of her flat when I was taking the kids to school...... I think  the suggestion was to take a different route (S's school at that time was on the main street parallel to the OTHER main street - from my flat, the only other option was to drive 7 km  farther and then double back.... <snort>)

But, as to why he is working? NOT you farm, NOT your cows, NOT your BS to pick up after.....  ;)
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FearNot

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #53 on: November 20, 2018, 06:57:42 AM »
S66- I can imagine that would be difficult. I am not sure i would have the fortitude for that, but you got this girl! We have to stop our minds from making those assumptions. It's tough but we really don't know what is behind the scenes.

UM- You got schooled!  ;) Lol.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN

M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #54 on: November 20, 2018, 07:04:50 AM »
UM- You got schooled!  ;) Lol.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN

With the Velvet-covered 2x4.... ;)
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #55 on: November 20, 2018, 07:13:47 AM »
Aw OM I was always nice to you.   ;D

I just feel if there is any way to not see their car and monkey brain it's best to avoid.

Unfortunately S can't stop from seeing his car when they work at the same place.
Unless she can park in a different lot.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #56 on: November 20, 2018, 08:24:17 AM »
Aw OM I was always nice to you.   ;D 

Until now! :o :P

Freudian slip?

OK, THEM'S FIGHTIN' words! I may be an Operations Manager in the working world but.....



<snort>
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #57 on: November 20, 2018, 04:22:04 PM »
I wish there was a way to avoid seeing the car. I already park in a different lot but to get there I have to still drive in the gate which is where he parks.

So I’ve applied and interviewed for a couple of jobs and when I don’t get the job I am okay and think that that job just wasn’t meant to be.
Why can’t I be that chill and convinced what’s meant to be will be with my H ?
Why do I have the all or nothing, he’s my happiness and nothing less will do when it comes to him?

I annoy myself with that. I have a great life and nothing to complain about except that I don’t have the love of my life with me. Thunders grandmas saying “he is just a man” keeps popping in my head and I know it to be true, but damn that stubborn German heart of mine just wants what it wants.

Maybe time will help me let it all go.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Anon

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #58 on: November 20, 2018, 05:07:59 PM »
I am the same Schratz.   I’ve been up and down and back and forth and all over the place with my thoughts but I always wind up in the very same spot you are.   It’s a curse,,, or maybe a blessing.   Time will tell.   In the meantime, keep enjoying the good life you have without your H.   We never know when things could (will?) turn around in our favour.   

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #59 on: November 20, 2018, 05:14:26 PM »
S66,

I *so* identify with what you said here.

It's all good, really! You are doing great.

I am learning (again) after this disaster to give things up to the universe, but at the same time, the moments (or dayyyys) when I can't and I just want what I want? I know I'm just not ready to be a buddha, and I give myself permission to not be ready yet. I say it's OK! And it is a process. You are where you are, and it's fine! :)

Just for myself, I add that if a great relationship with a new person comes along, then it comes along. I'm not out there pulling ropes and levers and pushing buttons to make $h!te happen to satisfy a whiny ego (unlike SOMEONE I [used to] know!). And if someone better never shows up, who knows...maybe I'm meant to stand. Que sera, sera.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #60 on: November 20, 2018, 05:45:57 PM »
Quote
Why do I have the all or nothing, he’s my happiness and nothing less will do when it comes to him?

I annoy myself with that. I have a great life and nothing to complain about except that I don’t have the love of my life with me.

What other aspect of our life are we "expected" to get over and somehow renege to some place in our brains where we no longer yearn for something that was once so special?

This relationship with our spouse will always be hugely significant. I had a really good life, a fun life, one that was better than the life I have today..to deny that would be denying my truth.

I accept that MLC happened. I can see the change in the man I knew and loved for 35 years. That man is not there anymore. I accept it and like you, have a pretty good life.

But I continue to miss him in so many ways and for so many reasons. Especially with the holidays approaching. I have been invited to share with my friends but that will never replace the wonderful special family times we had together.

I accept that.

I also allow myself to miss him, to miss our beautiful family, to miss his love. Not eveyone feels this way, some feel that their new relationships are better, some feel that they would never wish to be back together with their spouse again.

But for those of us who do, it is a blessing and a curse. A blessing for this love was incredible and a curse because it causes us much pain.

I have thought about this deeply for years...I am truly grateful for the love we shared for so many years and would not change that for anything. Many things could have happened to "separate" us..this abandonment is particularly painful but, I know that something happened to him...and I can live knowing that his crisis is real and could not be prevented....

I am sorry that it hurts us so much but I have learned that life has both pain and pleasure...really no one escapes the desolation but there is also a great deal of consolation in life.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #61 on: November 20, 2018, 11:55:48 PM »
Following along 66 and I know exactly what you mean. There is no point in me trying to say that me and the kids are in a better place now than we were when H was here. We are not, there is a huge gaping hole in our family life and we are just trying to make the most of our lives now - but it would not be right to say that I don't miss the H and Dad that my H was - especially at holiday/birthday times. Like you some days I just want what my heart wants. Be kind to yourself. Holiday times are difficult. Sending lots of love and support. You got this. PG xxx     

Offline Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #62 on: November 21, 2018, 03:44:26 AM »
66, you have come such a long way and you've worked hard for all you have now.
Xyz is right...we feel what we feel, and accept what we must. You lost something you valued and that hurts. You didn't choose it but you have done your best to deal with the hand you hold right now. It is too harsh I think to also blame ourselves for missing some of what we had or loving someone who is no longer who they were...accepting the messiness is kinder even if we don't act on our feelings or share them in RL.

It's ok to feel how you feel unless it makes you do things which are unhealthy for you xxx
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #63 on: November 22, 2018, 08:12:34 AM »
Happy Thanksgiving to all you wonderful, amazing LBS.
Last year at 5 months in he still wished me a happy Thanksgiving- this year nothing. Stings a bit I have to admit.

But on the bright side this year I am more aware of how much good there still is in my life. Sitting here with my D, my grand rats and two cats - trying to stay in the moment  and enjoying it. We have a roof over our head, food to eat, enough money to survive, our health and great friends - so much more than a lot of others have.

I would like to thank all of you again for all your love and support and for helping me along.

Do I regret having loved my H ? No and I do appreciate all the years we had shared.
But just like I can never get enough Cheesepuffs, I still wanted more time with this great love.
Greedy, I know. A lot of people never get to experience that kind of love at all.
That love will always stay within me.




Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Acorn

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #64 on: November 22, 2018, 08:54:58 AM »
A very happy Thanksgiving to you, too, Schratz66!
How right you are...  Count our blessings and live in gratitude everyday.
Your thankful attitude and unconditional love for the person that your H was and the appreciation of those blessed years together are precious.  I’m glad you are there.


Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline FearNot

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #65 on: November 22, 2018, 12:13:00 PM »
Happy Thanksgiving S66! I still want more cheese puffs too. And I agree it's so difficult to love them, and miss them and want them in your life, and not be able to have that. I know that feeling too. My life is not "better" without H. My life is very different. And should restoration take place, it will be very different yet again.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #66 on: November 22, 2018, 01:23:06 PM »
Well, so I reached out. Very plain.

Thinking of you today. May you have a Happy Thanksgiving.

H did reply: You’ve been on my mind today as well. Enjoy your turkey day.

And the monkeys are back at the circus. Is this good, bad, indifferent???

Thunder will say, you reached out - he replied. Take it as a positive and focus back on you.
And I need to. I know I need to. Will go dive back into my book now. Eyes on me. Sigh.
Damn those Cheesepuffs :)

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #67 on: November 22, 2018, 01:34:20 PM »
Perfectly fine that you reached out.

They are thinking about us too. Of that I am sure.

It can shake us a bit...still, these small things may matter sometime in the future. And if not, there really isn't anything to loose.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline serenity

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #68 on: November 22, 2018, 01:37:06 PM »
Hi Schratz66,

That was a thoughtful thing to do. It’s good he replied.

They do think of us but obviously we usually don’t know about it.

It’s only natural to wonder what any of it means.

X


Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #69 on: November 23, 2018, 06:46:33 AM »
Asking for reassurance since I can’t rely on myself thinking straight and logical when it comes to H.

Tell me not to ask if he’s still with OW.

If and when he is ready, will he come to me or will he wait for me to initiate????

I so don’t want to screw this up.

A reliable friend said she overheard him talk about going to Vegas with his guy friend and she said when she mentioned that we just went and mentioned my name H looked up and got this big smile on his face. Now mind you this friend is one to dislike everything H has done so I know she wouldn’t just make this up.

Ugh. Save my from myself peeps.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #70 on: November 23, 2018, 06:57:10 AM »
S, you did the right thing.  It's good to check in once in a great while.

Of course he's been thinking of you.  How, we'll never know, until they come forward.

But you are keeping the door ajar.. Not a bad thing.

NO do not ask him anything about her.  Nothing!  Nothing about his life.
I would just enjoy that he responded in a friendly manner. 

Ok, now back to concentrating on you, S.

I'm glad you had a nice Thanksgiving..and yes, you have many blessings in your life.

Hugs!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #71 on: November 26, 2018, 02:48:44 AM »
Tell me not to ask if he’s still with OW.

<...snip...>

Ugh. Save my from myself peeps.

Do we also need to tell you NOT to stick a fork in your nose?   ;)

Seriously, how will that knowledge serve you? What would you hope to gain from it? Would he tell you the truth anyway?

It's like drugs - JUST SAY NO!

All that is good for is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snPgFNMCXBs

I guess there is some copyright issue here but the song is "Gonna Be A Heartache Tonight" by the Eagles...
« Last Edit: November 27, 2018, 06:52:04 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #72 on: November 26, 2018, 03:04:02 AM »
UM I couldn't open the song, it was not available in my country (because of copyrights), but I do love the song by the Eagles.

 :)
« Last Edit: December 16, 2018, 03:25:52 AM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Nas

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #73 on: November 26, 2018, 08:04:27 AM »
DON'T ASK.  It doesn't matter either way.

Back in the spring, my H's number of friends on FB went down by like 25 people - pretty significant.  Then for months it kept going up and down by 1 every few weeks.  I realized it was doing me NO good to keep looking because I had NO way of knowing what was going on, so I just stopped looking altogether and it really did make a difference. 

You're better off not knowing. 
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #74 on: November 26, 2018, 09:43:30 AM »
Ursa - no one told me not to stick that fork in my nose  ;D

Sometimes even a normally smart gal needs to hear the obvious over and over again and I thank you all for doing so.
I will not ask, I will not ask, I will not ask.

Been trying to focus back on me and nothing else. The monkeys are back in lock up until the next contact.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #75 on: November 26, 2018, 10:03:26 AM »
66, as a previous fully- paid up member of the Fork Up the Nose club, I salute you.
We have all been there now and then lol
But, yup, stay away from the crazy monkeys. You'll feel better for it.
And with a nose sans fork  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #76 on: December 15, 2018, 02:13:16 PM »
Just pondering today.
Where does the MLC’s love for us go ?
H used to look at me with love and sparkle in his eyes every time he saw me. Others would always notice and comment on it after all these years.
So where does that love just disappear to ??

Had to put my beloved senior cat down this week. She has been such a trooper through months of fluid therapy, but her body just got too weak to keep going. I miss her so much. And while it was hard, it felt good to cry over something other than H. It felt normal almost.

D and I put up our tree today and it was okay. I know D always loved to go to my in laws on Christmas as they had this huge Christmas Village set up that she’s loved since she was 4.
She asked who would inherit that village now as it was supposed to be hers later on.
It’s those moments that still break my heart on the spot, but I faked it and we had a good day.

Can not wait for the time when joy will return naturally without having to fake it.


Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline serenity

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #77 on: December 15, 2018, 03:24:51 PM »
Hello Schratz,

So sorry to hear you lost your fur baby. It’s so very hard to let them go as they’re such a big part of our lives.

At least you know you gave her a lovely life and did all you could for her. So many animals don’t get that.

Sending you a hug

X

Offline Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #78 on: December 15, 2018, 08:55:58 PM »
I'm sorry about your cat. It is always hard to let them go but nice to feel grateful for how much joy and lovevthey brought us. I miss mine too.

I have no idea where the love goes. My h was just the same. I suppose as a 'normal' person, we assume that even if someone no longer loves us the same way or as much, that some residue of that love remains or is triggered by old memories. As it is for us. Times like Christmas it seems natural to think of previous Christmases and our memory of that person after so many years together. And so someone would treat us with respect at least and some level of care or kindness. But they don't do they? I genuinely don't know if my xh ever thinks of me at all, or what he thinks if he does. If he is ever triggered by the sound of a particular carol song or thinks of some of our old traditions or his ILs as he sits down this year with a new wife, new traditions and new ILs. Very odd.

As I can't excavate my xh's head....tempting as it has been to try with a sharp 2x4 occasionally....I really don't know. I guess logically one of two things are true...some residue is still there but it hurts them, or makes them feel uncomfortable perhaps so they bury it deep. Or they have simply erased it completely as a kind of 'that was the old me' fake memory.

It is very odd though. I never could have imagined that my h would choose to completely remove me from his life forever as if I/we never existed and treat me like a non-person really.  I honestly believed for ages, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that my h just loved me too much to never come back. Still find it a bit shocking now and then. But he did and does. Doesn't feel normal to me at all but it is as it is.
« Last Edit: December 15, 2018, 09:04:21 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #79 on: December 16, 2018, 03:40:14 AM »
S, do you still have contact with your in laws?  Have you reached out to them at all?
Or are they the ones who want no contact?

I'm sorry about your kitty.  Their so hard to lose, but like others have said you gave him/her a good life.

About them losing love for us, I don't think they do.
I believe when their in this crisis something happens to them that shuts down their emotions and feelings.  I don't think they even love themselves, let alone any OP they may be with.

I have yet to hear one MLCer, who came out of their crisis, say the loved their alienator.  Not one.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #80 on: December 16, 2018, 03:51:47 AM »
S, do you still have contact with your in laws?  Have you reached out to them at all?
Or are they the ones who want no contact?

I'm sorry about your kitty.  Their so hard to lose, but like others have said you gave him/her a good life.

About them losing love for us, I don't think they do.
I believe when their in this crisis something happens to them that shuts down their emotions and feelings.  I don't think they even love themselves, let alone any OP they may be with.

I have yet to hear one MLCer, who came out of their crisis, say the loved their alienator.  Not one.

Well, Thunder, for those of us whose spouse got remarried - and I guess we are a smallish band - they must think they do to stand up publicly and repeat those vows to someone else surely?
I guess you would say, well they are in still in the tunnel...which may be so...and that their perspective on it might be different later. But it is a pretty huge commitment. (Or it was to me and my original h lol, wouldn't have done it unless we knew that it was real love...although I suppose my xh may now see it differently and believe it was a test tun with his fingers secretly crossed  :) )

Would be a hell of a mess to unpick if you later realise you didn't really, good lord. Not sure if you or anyone else has seen that though. It may just be an LBS comfort blanket perhaps to see the love as 'not real', although I have no doubt from the little I know that it is not healthy or what I would call love, but I imagine it must feel real to them.  I must admit I tend to see their remarriage as a pretty big red line in the sand!
« Last Edit: December 16, 2018, 03:57:26 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #81 on: December 16, 2018, 04:13:26 AM »
Oh Treasur I didn't mean to make light of the pain they cause by withdrawing their love from us and putting it on another.  Especially going to the extreme of marrying them.

I do believe they think they are in love with these alienators.  Absolutely.

But honestly look at who he married.  She is a thief, a liar and she threatened your life.
Do you really believe your XH, in his right mind, could love someone like that?
If that were true he sure wouldn't have married you.

She just fits his mental state right now.  I don't think that is love.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #82 on: December 16, 2018, 04:21:40 AM »
Fair point, Thunder.
No, the person I knew would have seen the massive red manipulative flags, would have been reminded of his bipolar narcissistic cruel and manipulative mother and would never have felt safe with someone like that. He said to me once that one of the things he valued most about me was that I didn't lie or play head games bc I didn't feel the need to do so......ironic.....
« Last Edit: December 16, 2018, 04:23:13 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #83 on: December 16, 2018, 04:47:53 AM »
Yep that's the kind of woman, he fell for and married...when he had a working brain.   ;D

Same with your H S66.  He is now with a cheater, with no morals, who could care less he is a married man.  Some day he will wise up.
Just hope it's not too late for him.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #84 on: December 16, 2018, 05:20:01 AM »
Actually - bc I am having an ok day but just missing chatting to my h, Sunday at home thing probably or the time of year  - the other thing that strikes me is that most LBS, at least for quite a while, are on their own without a partner. Whereas the MLCer has a new person to chat to, share things with, day to day stuff...which is a distraction from any moments of missing us that we don't have. Sort of relationship background noise if that makes sense?

Perhaps it is easier for LBS who do have a new grown up to play with? I wonder if it means you start missing your spouse less on a day to day level....
« Last Edit: December 16, 2018, 05:22:04 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #85 on: December 16, 2018, 06:18:02 AM »
Well I can only speak for myself. 

After my first D I was pretty miserable and did miss him but I soon found my "rebound" guy, it took a lot of my missing away.  I was out having fun and he was a wonderful man.

MLCer who?   ;D

So yes, it definately helped me.

Of course on the flip side I was not ready for a relationship so soon and ended up hurting him pretty bad.

So this time I decided not to do get involved with someone else.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #86 on: December 16, 2018, 07:18:53 AM »
Actually - bc I am having an ok day but just missing chatting to my h, Sunday at home thing probably or the time of year  - the other thing that strikes me is that most LBS, at least for quite a while, are on their own without a partner. Whereas the MLCer has a new person to chat to, share things with, day to day stuff...which is a distraction from any moments of missing us that we don't have. Sort of relationship background noise if that makes sense?

Perhaps it is easier for LBS who do have a new grown up to play with? I wonder if it means you start missing your spouse less on a day to day level....

Yes, this.  I've wondered as well. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Nas

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #87 on: December 17, 2018, 06:25:17 AM »
I've also wondered if, after the new relationship energy dies down, are they less distracted and then do thoughts of us start to creep in more?  And if so, how does the new relationship continue for so darn long?

I also find the discussion of whether they ever think of us interesting, because I can't find a rational, logical or scientific explanation for how they could go years and years without thinking of what they've done.
These two articles are interesting in regards to what happens when you suppress thoughts or emotions:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dream-factory/201511/why-unwanted-thoughts-can-invade-your-dreams?amp

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201801/how-suppressed-emotions-enter-our-dreams-and-affect-health?amp
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #88 on: December 17, 2018, 07:53:07 AM »
Interesting, Nas.
For us, it makes no sense that they would not. To be honest, after years of a shared life, it makes no sense that they wouldn't also have small things that trigger memories too.
I guess though that they put a lot of energy into trying to stop them...and if they can't probably convert them into a bad memory maybe. Or they just do the numb disassociation thing which sometimes goes with depression.
But logically, I know there are just things I associate with my h - from the smell of lamb to particular pieces of music or places - and up he pops. Now, mostly, I can smile at them when before they just caused me pain. It does make me miss him and it sometimes gives me a little aftershock of 'how can this be' but increasingly I just look at it and then shout loudly in my head 'your h is dead'...which seems to do the trick lol.

 It seems unlikely to me that our spouses don't sometimes have the same little flashes. But how they deal with them is different perhaps. And often, even if it is by their choice or bc of their behaviour, I suspect they have as little closure as us actually. But on different timelines, like roads in the opposite direction...I think the LBS does thebpain and work at the front end and as we detach things fade. For the MLCer, if the process is right, they push it aside, run and avoid it with their new happy....and then it probably starts to seep back in around the edges and nibble a bit. Ironically probably at the very point when you couldn't pay an LBS enough to get them to look back or volunteer for more thinky monkeys!
« Last Edit: December 17, 2018, 07:54:26 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #89 on: December 21, 2018, 07:50:10 AM »
Thank you all for your insight. All of it makes sense about them avoiding and distracting by the other person and if they move through the crisis that it will start nibbling at them then while we start out being eaten alive by the pain and have to work through it.

Thunder, my FIL passed which I believe was the final trigger for my H. MIL depends on H financially and living wise so she immediately broke contact and my SIL made it clear that while she loves me and my D she does not want any discord in the family so she cut contact with us as well. After he left I send a thank you note to MIL thanking her for accepting me in the family for all these years and told her that I returned some heirlooms to him so she wouldn't think they were lost to her forever.

Holiday season is always tricky and so of course I have ups and downs but try not to dwell on any of it for too long. It still hurts, and I still wonder if we are really done and over with or not. I know I will always love him as I thought we had the real deal, but I have no control of what happens down the road.

I will enjoy my Christmas eve with my D and Christmas Day I will immerse myself in a new book and just try to make it through the day.


Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #90 on: December 21, 2018, 08:25:51 AM »
Sounds like a good plan, S.

We can't control what other people do.  That's on them.

Sometimes when this happens we get to see who is a friend and who isn't.  Some people need to be cut out of our lives.

I'm glad you're spending Christmas with your d.  Hope you two have a nice time together.    :)

{{Big Christmas Hug}}
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #91 on: December 24, 2018, 11:43:21 AM »
You are such an amazing person, Schratz!  That was a lovely note to your MIL.  Have you had any contact with him in the past couple of months? 
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Physically separated - he's 15 miles away
Collaborative Divorce in process (to protect myself)
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 58
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #92 on: December 25, 2018, 01:55:25 PM »
Email from H on Christmas Eve:
Merry Christmas schratz !! Hope you get to spend some time with D. Signed with his first and middle name.
What I have noticed is that the last few contacts he adds an extra sentence and he’s never signed an email with his name - far less first and middle.
So still odd and I am too exhausted to try to monkeybrain what it means..lol

He thought of me is all I know for sure.

I just replied a day later with Thanks, hope you enjoyed your Christmas.

Not giving anything away - he doesn’t deserve to know what or who I’m spending time with.

Fam - I’ve only heard sporadically from him about the dying cat, a bad dream he had about me and now Christmas. The contact is not the usual 5-6 months as it was before so I don’t know if that means he’s moving along or if he’s done and just being cordial.

I must move on. I’ve decided 2019 should be my year. I have plans to declutter the house and purge a lot of unnecessary things, still looking for another job and will get back to exercising on a daily basis.

Just tired of waiting around and living in limbo.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #93 on: December 25, 2018, 02:52:34 PM »
Merry Christmas, S.

Yep, he did think of you, so chalk it up to...you are still on his mind and get on with our life.

No need to get any expectations from it.  Just a nice gesture, thanks H.
Hope your was nice too.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNot

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #94 on: December 27, 2018, 11:09:51 AM »
Hey S66! You did cross his mind! But I agree, Living La Vida Limbo is the pits and this IS your year! Do you, because you are amazing!
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #95 on: January 10, 2019, 03:35:51 PM »
Well, I survived the holidays, D and the grandrats headed back to school and the house seems so still and quiet. Took a couple of days to get used to again. My days have been mostly okay and just when I think I am moving along nicely, being okay and enjoying life - I catch a glimpse of H at work today and it feels like ground zero again.

It doesn’t seem like it’s been 18 months since we shared a bed and a future. It seems like yesterday and seeing him everything in me just wants to reach out and touch him.

Why is it not hard for him ? Will this crumbling at the sheer sight of him ever go away ? I just want to send him a message so badly but I know I shouldn’t and I won’t.

This has got to get easier at some point.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNot

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #96 on: January 11, 2019, 07:07:34 AM »
S66-Glad to hear you survived the holidays. Those are some rough days to get through.

Well, I survived the holidays, D and the grandrats headed back to school and the house seems so still and quiet. Took a couple of days to get used to again. My days have been mostly okay and just when I think I am moving along nicely, being okay and enjoying life - I catch a glimpse of H at work today and it feels like ground zero again.

It doesn’t seem like it’s been 18 months since we shared a bed and a future. It seems like yesterday and seeing him everything in me just wants to reach out and touch him.

There are days where I feel this as well. It seems like we've been stuck in a time warp. Of course you want to reach out and touch him. I think that is a very natural reaction. For you to be in close proximity like that with him shows the strength that you have. I don't know that I could endure that. Keep going S66. You have come so far! Just breathe  :)

Why is it not hard for him ? Will this crumbling at the sheer sight of him ever go away ? I just want to send him a message so badly but I know I shouldn’t and I won’t.

This has got to get easier at some point.

S66 the crumbles don't happen as often as before and that is great progress that you have made. I think sometimes it is hard for them, we just don't have the ability to really know and that is probably for the best.

S66- I'll leave this here for you. It's one of my favs. Just know you're gonna be okay! <<<<<HUGGGGSSSS>>>>>

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjF9IqvXDjY
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #97 on: January 11, 2019, 07:20:02 AM »
Beautiful song, Fear!   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #98 on: January 14, 2019, 06:38:02 AM »
Thank you Fear for that beautiful song.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

 

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