Author Topic: My Story Just Breathe  (Read 4249 times)

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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My Story Just Breathe
« on: October 15, 2018, 10:02:05 AM »
Previous Thread:

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10176.0

Time for a new thread. I lost count how many this makes, all I know is that this forum has become my tribe, my family and I feel like I am at home when I am on here.
Thank you to each and every one of you that has taken the time to support and carry me through this.
The title to this thread came from my new attempt to just let things happen. To stop trying to fix, to learn to accept. All that is required of me is to "Just breathe"

Not much going on in MLC land here - I guess we are at a rhythm of contacting me every 5 months, which means February would be the next one. I still don't understand the point of it or the logic, but like UM always drills into us - you cannot taste the color green and we cannot understand any of this.
My not so favorite time of year is coming up - shorter days, rainy and foggy and of course the holidays, which usually means I fall back into comradery with my dear old friend of depression. Trying to fight it as always, but it's hard.

What I am currently trying to figure out is how to focus on the good. I am healthy, my daughter is healthy and pursuing her dream of becoming a teacher, I have a good job, I have a roof over my head and I have so many blessings in my life. The only thing missing is my H.
With all the good in my life, why can I not refocus on that. Why focus on only one thing that I do not have in my life right now.
I know I am blessed, but how do I get my heart to feel all the blessings that my head knows I have?

This struggle is nothing new to me really, I always struggled with this and I blame my narcissistic father for it as nothing was ever good enough. If you were excited about getting all As and one B in your report card, he would point out what a disappointment you are because it wasn't all A's. If you finished second in a race of 25 and were happy, he would point out that you did not win it.

My IC tried to work on reteaching my inner child, but it's just not working yet.

But, at least I know I need to work on it, which is already a step in the right direction. Patience, patience and more patience.


Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2018, 10:24:25 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, S.

Maybe your old friend will not be so depressing this year.  I think when you've gone through it once or twice it does get easier.  I don't know why that is.  Time?  Or just that you've already gone thru it once and survived.  IDK
I do know the 1st are always the hardest.

Do you get snow where you live?

I found the 1st winter was very depressing (Jan. bd) so I decided I was not going to stay inside and wallow.  I went to a sporting goods store and bought expensive winter wear.  Unless it was below zero I got out there every day.  It did wonders for my head and I ended up loving Winter for the first time in my adult life. 

Maybe find something you like doing this upcoming season.  It at least might help.   :)

I am glad you have so many beautiful blessings on your life.

 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline nah

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2018, 10:25:26 AM »
66,

You sound like you are on the right track.  I'm not sure if you realize that you do sound better than you did a year ago.

Keep doing what you're doing, you're a lot stronger than you think.
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Whyus

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #3 on: October 15, 2018, 10:35:40 AM »
Hi S.
Thank you for asking those questions in your Opening Post.
I have alot to live for right now, my life is Good but i still ask myself those questions Everyday. I wonder if it will ever stop. I hope so but right Now i just want to throw Everything in and leave it all behind, move away from the ghosts and triggers and start again. Be free of Everything but i know that is not the answer.
The BS just gets too much sometimes

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2018, 05:56:19 PM »
Quote
With all the good in my life, why can I not refocus on that. Why focus on only one thing that I do not have in my life right now.
I know I am blessed, but how do I get my heart to feel all the blessings that my head knows I have?
.

I struggle with exactly this as well. I actually have been thinking about this a lot lately ..funny you should mention it. I too have much to be blessed about and yet cannot "feel" it ... at all. Flat. Its very concerning to me actually. Hope we figure it out .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline BrenM

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #5 on: October 15, 2018, 06:36:01 PM »

To stop trying to fix, to learn to accept. All that is required of me is to "Just breathe"



I absolutely love this ❤️.  My IC constantly tells me to just breathe....don't worry about tomorrow or next week...just concentrate on NOW...this minute, this hour, this day.


Following along on your journey my MLC sister.
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2018, 05:15:10 AM »
Yep, tasting green

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online xyzcf

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #7 on: October 16, 2018, 06:33:11 AM »
You have indeed come a very long way. It is so good to hear this..and I know, there are times when you probably still feel such deep pain...but the tone of your posts have changed greatly and I hope that the moments of peace are more and more frequent.

SAD (seasonal affective disorder) is very difficult. Try and get outside as much as you possibly can. Perhaps consider getting one of those lights for your office area.

I am fortunate to live in Colorado where we get more than 300 days of sunshine a year. When I go back home, I find the grayness and lack of sunshine really affects me.

Thanks for letting us know how you are doing!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #8 on: October 16, 2018, 07:00:08 AM »
SAD (seasonal affective disorder) is very difficult. Try and get outside as much as you possibly can. Perhaps consider getting one of those lights for your office area.

I am fortunate to live in Colorado where we get more than 300 days of sunshine a year. When I go back home, I find the grayness and lack of sunshine really affects me.

I practically LIVED in front of one off those lights when I came to Germany from CO.... Going from 300+ days where the sun shines at LEAST 4 hours per day to a country where there are usually about 60 days in a year where the sun shines the whole day and maybe another 60 with 4 hours (that is why Germany is so much better at producing solar power than AZ according to some AZ Congressman <facepalm>)  kicked my furry rear end.... I've been here 22 years and still feel it.... at least this year we have had a glorious summer...

But, even being outside on a cloudy day is brighter than those lights in terms of sheer lumens (Candlepower) on the retina
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #9 on: October 16, 2018, 03:45:15 PM »
I think any holidays are difficult for lbs in general. Add SAD into the mix and it’s trulynrough. Hugs friend. Go easy  and lavish with self care all you can.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #10 on: October 26, 2018, 08:38:45 PM »
Attaching. 

I love your title!
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #11 on: October 31, 2018, 04:19:19 PM »
Prayers for me please.
No trigger - out of nowhere I spiraled down to the depth of pain. Just like when it first happened.
I know these down spirals don’t last as long, but it’s been a while since I hit one this bad.
Can’t stop crying over losing the love of my life. I still miss him so much it hurts.
Trying to just breathe and let things unfold as it is all we can do.
Let go and let God and God knows I’m trying, but dammit it hurts.

I know I will be okay, just not tonight. Tomorrow is another day to just breathe.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Acorn

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #12 on: October 31, 2018, 04:28:03 PM »
Dearest Schratz, I’m so sorry you are hurting right now.  (((((((HUGS))))))))
I truly understand the kind of pain you are describing.  It feels as though the sun will never shine again but it will.  This, too, shall pass.

You are in my thoughts.  May God hold you in the palm of His loving hand...
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online xyzcf

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #13 on: October 31, 2018, 08:24:12 PM »
Deep in our brains are all kinds of connections, even though they are not physically in our lives, those connections persist.

There are many holiday’s approaching. Our loss is enormous as is our grief. We do have better times but we also must be prepared for those bad days.

I hope you get some rest and that tomorrow is a better day.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #14 on: November 01, 2018, 11:09:00 AM »
Just a brief update - yes, today is another day and so much better.
I honestly have no clue where the melt down came from yesterday - it was exhausting.
Guess I got it out of my system and am back to just taking it one day at a time.
Wow - this really is such a rollercoaster ride, but I am glad I have such a safe place here to express myself when needed and always find kindred souls.

Upward and onward we go
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #15 on: November 01, 2018, 11:47:21 AM »
Aw S, I'm so sorry you had such a down day.

You have gone through so much.  Especially with a Vanisher.  It's very hard.
I'm glad it only lasted a day and you are feeling better.

Sometimes we need to take a day of mourning and feel what we are going to feel.
It's no fun but it is healing.

Sometimes I wonder why we don't all hate them.   :(
But being of sound mind we know their are sick in the head to do something like this, it's not their true self,  so we don't have it in us to hate them.

{{Big warm Hug, S}}
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNot

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #16 on: November 01, 2018, 01:10:06 PM »
Attaching S66!

Glad that today is a better day! Hugs and Prayers as always!
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #17 on: November 01, 2018, 03:14:42 PM »
Following along 66.
Yes you have came a long way since last year. Look at you!!
You had a down day, today you are back to living on. That's all you can do 66.
Don't think of last year. Just keep going. Holidays can be the worst, but they can also be the best. Try and stay positive 66.
Hang in there. The tribe will always be here.

Online xyzcf

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #18 on: November 01, 2018, 06:31:39 PM »
Glad you are feeling better today.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #19 on: November 01, 2018, 08:05:43 PM »
I am so sorry you had a re-visit to the black whole ..it does suck us under when we least expect it. It makes us believe we are not improving. But the next day...we feel somewhat stable again, stronger and we do carry on again. So there is the proof. I understand completely and utterly that desperation and anguish... I believe that for the 1st almost 3 years , I was at its mercy and succumbed to such deep despair. But it weakens its hold and depth of pain as time and healing happens. You got back up again S66 and there lies the victory! I am very impressed by you and that is the truth... you honestly came up from the darkest of all places a human wants to experience. Keep going.... Hugs ! You are your own hero time and time and time again.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #20 on: November 08, 2018, 03:10:05 PM »
I’ve been having okay days for the most part and the upcoming holidays do not seem as terrifying as last year, so I must be evolving.

 Just curious what your thoughts are on this. I know we all assume that our MLC had FoO issues, which caused their MLC.
What if we are wrong though, and these former girlfriends or you get women are really their true loves and they couldn’t help but go after the one chance to make their dreams come true?
What if we should be happy that our spouses found their one true love that is meant to be.

I keep thinking it would be easier if I knew if OW was still in the picture or not,and I am sure he would tell me if only I asked, but then it might be more hurtful to know she’s gone and yet he still doesn’t want to come home.

So I guess, I just leave it be and do my thing and trust in the universe figuring out what is meant for me and what isn’t.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline megogirl

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #21 on: November 08, 2018, 03:17:40 PM »
Just curious what your thoughts are on this. I know we all assume that our MLC had FoO issues, which caused their MLC.
What if we are wrong though, and these former girlfriends or you get women are really their true loves and they couldn’t help but go after the one chance to make their dreams come true
?

Simply stated, this scenario is impossible.....

Because an adulterous relationship is superficial from Day One.  They spend all of their time sneaking around.  If a relationship is founded and sustained in hiding, how "real" can it be?!

Real love is built on mutual respect, and trust.....how could an MLC'er feel either with an OW?! 

Online xyzcf

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #22 on: November 08, 2018, 05:56:20 PM »
Glad that you are definitely doing better! I know that holidays looming are always unsettling.

Quote
What if we should be happy that our spouses found their one true love that is meant to be.

Unfortunately, there is no 100% way to "diagnose" MLC but there is more than just an OW in the picture.

Did he ever express to you that he was unhappy in your marriage? Did he try to figure things out with you before he left for a women he had not seen in years? Is he in touch with your daughter?

Because we don't get a chance to see them, we don't get to see many of the other "symptoms" that they show.

I still feel that there should be more explanation to the LBS before they run out the door..it just doesn't make sense.

Quote
I keep thinking it would be easier if I knew if OW was still in the picture or not,and I am sure he would tell me if only I asked, but then it might be more hurtful to know she’s gone and yet he still doesn’t want to come home.

I don't tolerate knowledge of OW and prefer to not know anything...as long as he doesn't want to be a part our family, then anything he does is meaningless to me.

The curious thing is, if they are so madly in love, why do they keep these women such a big secret???

You are doing well...one day at a time!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #23 on: November 09, 2018, 06:54:11 AM »
I agree, if they really found the love of their life, then they can be decent about it and do things properly.

First off, be honest.  I'm sorry but I am in love with someone else.
Second, get a divorce so you are not cheating.  Make her legitimate, not an affair partner, that's not showing love and respect.
Thirdly, be kind to the spouse.  They didn't ask for this. Don't blame her/him or use her/him or lie to her/him.

No there is much more than running away and leaving someone devastated.
That's what MLCer's do.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Anon

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #24 on: November 09, 2018, 07:21:52 AM »
Quote
it might be more hurtful to know she’s gone and yet he still doesn’t want to come home.

He didn’t leave because he met OW, he left because he’s in a MLC.    OW is just one facet and if he leaves her, he easily could still be in MLC.   I wouldn’t expect a reconnection for 2 years at a minimum and maybe 3.   Patience and time - keep looking the other way for awhile yet.

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #25 on: November 09, 2018, 08:52:50 AM »
Thank you for your thoughts on this. Some times I just get random thoughts going and need to bounce them off people that are in similar situations.

XY - he never once said he was unhappy - as a matter of fact 3 weeks prior to BD I was still the best thing in his life and he missed me every day he had to spend out of town for work. That is how I pinpointed when OW contacted him as he completely changed over night.

He has not once contacted my daughter knowing that he was her 'dad' and she needed him.

And the other part was that two years prior to BD he stopped doing all the things he used to enjoy in life, which I guess if he wasn't MLC he wouldn't have.

Anyway - enough monkey braining for me - all that it will do is make my brain hurt from all the possibilities and nobody will ever know what the truth is. I guess time will tell and until then I have a life to live. I think some of us carry too much child hood baggage with us ourselves and this abandonment just brings it back forefront. I want to deal with all that and I want to be happy about being me and loving me regardless if my father couldn't and my husband can't right now.

I have been applying for several jobs, not because I hate my current one, but to find something to sink my teeth in and to be challenged and move forward. I do feel stronger in the need to find myself and to find joy again in my life. Thank you all for riding along this crazy train with me.


Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #26 on: November 12, 2018, 09:36:53 AM »
Weird:

This morning H send me an email:

Are you ok ? Had a terrible dream

What the heck ? The last 15 months I could have fell terminally ill, been hit by a bus, lost my mother or my daughter and he wouldn’t have known nor cared.
But he has a dream and has to check on me ???

I don’t get it. I really don’t get it.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #27 on: November 12, 2018, 09:48:27 AM »
Oh boy.

He obviously has you on his mind to dream about you.  Maybe the guilt made it a nightmare for him.

I hope you said...after waiting an hour or so, "I'm good, thanks for checking on me."
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #28 on: November 12, 2018, 11:05:19 AM »
It was 4 hours later. I just said I was alive and well and asked how I died in his dream. He replied he doesn’t want to discuss his dream, petname, but he was pretty shook up and is glad I’m well.

Maybe OW tortured me in his dream...lol

Pisses me off to contact me and then say he doesn’t want to discuss it.
First time in 12 months he used my petname.

Just odd. Really odd. Guess stuff is going on in his subconscious.

I’m just leaving it be now. Wish I hadn’t even asked about his dream, but it’s done.
It’s hard to not ask five million questions, but I won’t. Back to leaving him be to his own guilty conscience or messed up mind.

Hey, in case nobody has noticed - this MLC crap is hard :)


Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #29 on: November 12, 2018, 11:33:54 AM »
It is hard 66. Your doing good.  For you to make a little joking remark about the dream, shows how good you are doing.

You have mist definetly been on his mind 66. I might would say, he couldn't tell you about his dream because it didn't happen. That was his excuse to ask about you. But you never know with Mixer.
Either way, dream or not. Your still on his mind.

Online Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #30 on: November 12, 2018, 01:27:04 PM »
I think I recall Hearts Blessing saying this is how God does his work if we let go and get out of the way, that we think they are happy but they are tormented sometimes by memories, reminders and dreams....
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #31 on: November 12, 2018, 01:29:44 PM »
YEEEUP! 

You did good, S.

Now back to our regular channel.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #32 on: November 12, 2018, 04:41:48 PM »
Try as they might. They cannot forget us.  I'm glad yours gave you a little hint of that.  Mine was pretty silent about that kind of stuff the first year too. It is nice to hear, but it wreaks havoc in the "No expectations" and rope dropping things. At least for me. As long as you are aware of it though, you should be fine.


Doing great friend.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline megogirl

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #33 on: November 12, 2018, 05:42:47 PM »
Try as they might. They cannot forget us.  I'm glad yours gave you a little hint of that

Somewhere, in the back of my brain, I know this is true.  But I'm just sad, and jealous, because my H is totally GONE.  No phone calls - other than twice a day, and only to S15 - and zero dreams (unless I don't know about them!)

So, consider yourself lucky.  That is...if you even care (?)

Offline Whyus

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #34 on: November 12, 2018, 11:09:54 PM »
Try as they might. They cannot forget us.
My XW has a reminder of me everytime that she sees one of my Boys, its like looking at me  :). When I see S20, he has None of XWs Features, all mine and S19 just has XWs nose


Somewhere, in the back of my brain, I know this is true.
This is true, they will never Forget what damage they have done to the Person who loved them for who they really are, i surely wouldnt want to live with that. No wonder that they disappear
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #35 on: November 13, 2018, 09:53:47 AM »
Dang - this is getting crazy - used to have several months between contacts from the Vanisher, but after yesterdays' weird email and trying to recoup from that, I run into him outside my work building this morning. (He works in the building next door so it's not like he purposely tried to run into me).

He looked and said, yup, you are still alive, laughed and walked off. Like today it's a joke when yesterday he was so distraught about dreaming of me dying.
And for the very first time in 17 months I became mad. Mad at me still loving him, mad at him not giving a damn about how his contacts mess with my heart, mad at him playing it off cool today when yesterday he was 'distraught', mad to the point of wanting to not ever reply to any of his contacts.

I did notice that he has new glasses, and new sweater - a style that he would have never picked himself, so I assume OW is still in the picture and dressing him now. Wonder where she was when he was distraught over his bad dream.

Trying so hard to get back to focusing on me.....and just breathing
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #36 on: November 13, 2018, 10:18:48 AM »
Sounds like he was nervous and had to laugh and run off.  He probably didn't know what to say.
Don't think that didn't effect him too, I'm sure it did S.

Ok well next time make it even shorter  "yes"  "no"  or nothing.  You're choice.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #37 on: November 13, 2018, 10:40:08 AM »
Or learn to send him some real nightmare type of dreams lol (and congratulations for no witty riposte like 'sorry to hear about your accident...oh no wait, that's next Tuesday.....)

You're doing ok, 66, really you are  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #38 on: November 13, 2018, 01:51:19 PM »
(and congratulations for no witty riposte like 'sorry to hear about your accident...oh no wait, that's next Tuesday.....)



LOL--Love this Treasur!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #39 on: November 14, 2018, 08:25:18 AM »
Treasur...when he said he couldn't discuss the dream because it was so terrible, for a moment I soooo wanted to respond with a sarcastic response like please: Please do discuss maybe it's something I haven't thought of yet or was it one of my old plans of blowing my brains out in your office or jumping off the roof in front of your car so you couldn't drive on.....
But I did not so I was very proud of me.

Thunder, I think you are right - in hindsight I am almost certain he was nervous and didn't know how to act or what to say.

After a great ugly cry last night, I am doing real good. Every time my mind wants to replay the last few days, I tell myself out loud to 'Let it go'.

Here is a newfound realization I had - as a newbie on here 17 months ago I did not understand how anybody could not want to stand for their marriage. At this point, while I still love my H and am still standing, I get how after a while all their nonsense actions and confusion and living in limbo can get so exhausting that the LBS will have had enough.

I prayed last night for God to help me not become bitter and to help me deal with this pain and to help me heal with or without my H in my future. I know I will be okay either way, just need that extra help from above in soaking up the pain inside.

My new mantra is that H is dead to me for now. That way I cannot What if or worry about what he is doing, because he is no longer in existence.

Again, I cannot thank you enough for this forum and all the love and support provided here.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #40 on: November 14, 2018, 08:30:58 AM »
S. I remember the exact day I gave up and asked God to please take this in his hands because I couldn't do it anymore.
It was such a big relief.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #41 on: November 14, 2018, 09:06:18 AM »
That's the best you can do 66. And THE best thing to do!!
You should be proud. Wr are not in control 66. Just let it go.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #42 on: November 14, 2018, 04:10:45 PM »
they will never Forget what damage they have done to the Person who loved them for who they really are

I can only pray that this isn't lost on my H.

Because I've been with H since he weighed 400 (+?) lbs.  And, I've been with him since he made little money. 

Now he's successful, pretty wealthy, and of normal weight.  And -- he kicked me to the CURB -- WTF!!!

I know he knows that OW is a shallow b*tc# who doesn't love him for who he is.  Because when I first learned about her, I'd asked, "Would she have been with you before you lost weight?"  He answered, "No....I don't think that she would have been an option."
« Last Edit: November 14, 2018, 04:15:21 PM by megogirl »

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #43 on: November 14, 2018, 05:42:24 PM »
Quick monkey braining question to the veterans. Why would he have used my petname for the first time again in 13 months ? And it’s not a slip up as he’s careful to differentiate. Was it just an emotional moment in him when he dreamt of me dying ?
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline megogirl

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #44 on: November 14, 2018, 06:06:45 PM »
Because he was having a "pocket of clarity" per RCR, or in "Prisoner" mode, or both.

Prisoner-mode is your "true" spouse, breaking through the crisis.  This personality will sound desperate - so to use a pet name would be a classic case.

Enjoy Prisoner while it lasts.....I know that I did ;)
« Last Edit: November 14, 2018, 06:08:45 PM by megogirl »

Offline Unraveled

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #45 on: November 14, 2018, 06:11:46 PM »
Because it was a cheap way to keep you on the shelf as Plan B just in case.  You've come so far, he is feeling your detachment.  Keep it up.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #46 on: November 15, 2018, 05:22:52 PM »
Mine calls me my pet name when he feels like he’s losing me....Always gives me a bit of momentary satisfaction.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #47 on: November 16, 2018, 04:48:43 AM »
66
Just enjoy the moment. Don't look too much into it.
I've been called by my name for over 2 years by my W. She never called me by my name.

Offline Nas

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #48 on: November 16, 2018, 06:14:02 AM »
Back in July, my H euthanized my dog and let me find out about it on Facebook.  I sent him a message and in our brief conversation, he called me by his nickname for me...a nickname that back in Dec 2015 I expressly forbid him from calling me because it's a nickname only used by people who respect and care about me.  In March 2016 he called me the nickname and then cried and said, "Even though you told me not to call you that anymore."

So it's not lost on him that that nickname has meaning to me.  Was he being manipulative in July when he used it after he had done something so cruel as to not tell me about my beloved dog's death?  Was he caught up in his own grief and fell back into an old habit?  Was he testing me, trying to goad me into forbidding him again so he could tell himself I'm a b*tc# and that's why he left and that's why he didn't tell me the dog died?

I'll never know.  He probably doesn't even know.  Best not to place much importance on it because you can really just keep going in circles on something there's no answer for.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #49 on: November 16, 2018, 07:56:42 AM »
I think I told you how mine slipped a few times calling me honey, but right after he did he looked like he was in shock.  I honestly think he did feel some kind of connection and it came out, but it was for a split second and it never changed anything.  Familiar name when he was around me?  Probably.

But it does make you monkey brain, trying to find a reason.

I think just the fact that he called you worried meant more than the name he called you.  I was a bit of movement, even if short lived.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #50 on: November 19, 2018, 05:25:50 AM »
So, oddness continues in his life. For the last 25 years H never worked the week of Thanksgiving. EVER. It's his tradition to take that week off.
He is working this week.
With the OW living out of State that of course throws me back into wondering if they are no longer together, because otherwise he certainly would have taken the week off to spend with her.
And that is one of the reasons why I need to find another job - this working in the same building just leads to looking for his vehicle and leads to overthinking and it's bad for my soul.
Seeing his car this morning has thrown me for a major loop again. Even though knowing that just because he may or may not be with OW any more does not mean he is ready to come home.
He might never come home and I need to quit thinking that way.
If only the heart and the brain could synchronize and work together.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #51 on: November 19, 2018, 05:31:46 AM »
I suppose it is hard to see when he's at work and when he isn't.  Makes the brain overload.

Try not to write anything into it.  Maybe she is going somewhere for Thanksgiving or he couldn't get the week off for some reason.  Could be all kinds of reasons why he is working this week.

Just concentrate on you having a nice Thanksgiving.

All will reveal itself in time, S.

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #52 on: November 20, 2018, 05:55:40 AM »
Thunder is a lot nicer to you than she was to me when I was talking about seeing STBXW's car in front of her flat when I was taking the kids to school...... I think  the suggestion was to take a different route (S's school at that time was on the main street parallel to the OTHER main street - from my flat, the only other option was to drive 7 km  farther and then double back.... <snort>)

But, as to why he is working? NOT you farm, NOT your cows, NOT your BS to pick up after.....  ;)
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FearNot

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #53 on: November 20, 2018, 06:57:42 AM »
S66- I can imagine that would be difficult. I am not sure i would have the fortitude for that, but you got this girl! We have to stop our minds from making those assumptions. It's tough but we really don't know what is behind the scenes.

UM- You got schooled!  ;) Lol.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN

M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #54 on: November 20, 2018, 07:04:50 AM »
UM- You got schooled!  ;) Lol.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN

With the Velvet-covered 2x4.... ;)
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #55 on: November 20, 2018, 07:13:47 AM »
Aw OM I was always nice to you.   ;D

I just feel if there is any way to not see their car and monkey brain it's best to avoid.

Unfortunately S can't stop from seeing his car when they work at the same place.
Unless she can park in a different lot.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #56 on: November 20, 2018, 08:24:17 AM »
Aw OM I was always nice to you.   ;D 

Until now! :o :P

Freudian slip?

OK, THEM'S FIGHTIN' words! I may be an Operations Manager in the working world but.....



<snort>
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #57 on: November 20, 2018, 04:22:04 PM »
I wish there was a way to avoid seeing the car. I already park in a different lot but to get there I have to still drive in the gate which is where he parks.

So I’ve applied and interviewed for a couple of jobs and when I don’t get the job I am okay and think that that job just wasn’t meant to be.
Why can’t I be that chill and convinced what’s meant to be will be with my H ?
Why do I have the all or nothing, he’s my happiness and nothing less will do when it comes to him?

I annoy myself with that. I have a great life and nothing to complain about except that I don’t have the love of my life with me. Thunders grandmas saying “he is just a man” keeps popping in my head and I know it to be true, but damn that stubborn German heart of mine just wants what it wants.

Maybe time will help me let it all go.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Anon

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #58 on: November 20, 2018, 05:07:59 PM »
I am the same Schratz.   I’ve been up and down and back and forth and all over the place with my thoughts but I always wind up in the very same spot you are.   It’s a curse,,, or maybe a blessing.   Time will tell.   In the meantime, keep enjoying the good life you have without your H.   We never know when things could (will?) turn around in our favour.   

Offline RedStar

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #59 on: November 20, 2018, 05:14:26 PM »
S66,

I *so* identify with what you said here.

It's all good, really! You are doing great.

I am learning (again) after this disaster to give things up to the universe, but at the same time, the moments (or dayyyys) when I can't and I just want what I want? I know I'm just not ready to be a buddha, and I give myself permission to not be ready yet. I say it's OK! And it is a process. You are where you are, and it's fine! :)

Just for myself, I add that if a great relationship with a new person comes along, then it comes along. I'm not out there pulling ropes and levers and pushing buttons to make $h!te happen to satisfy a whiny ego (unlike SOMEONE I [used to] know!). And if someone better never shows up, who knows...maybe I'm meant to stand. Que sera, sera.

Online xyzcf

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #60 on: November 20, 2018, 05:45:57 PM »
Quote
Why do I have the all or nothing, he’s my happiness and nothing less will do when it comes to him?

I annoy myself with that. I have a great life and nothing to complain about except that I don’t have the love of my life with me.

What other aspect of our life are we "expected" to get over and somehow renege to some place in our brains where we no longer yearn for something that was once so special?

This relationship with our spouse will always be hugely significant. I had a really good life, a fun life, one that was better than the life I have today..to deny that would be denying my truth.

I accept that MLC happened. I can see the change in the man I knew and loved for 35 years. That man is not there anymore. I accept it and like you, have a pretty good life.

But I continue to miss him in so many ways and for so many reasons. Especially with the holidays approaching. I have been invited to share with my friends but that will never replace the wonderful special family times we had together.

I accept that.

I also allow myself to miss him, to miss our beautiful family, to miss his love. Not eveyone feels this way, some feel that their new relationships are better, some feel that they would never wish to be back together with their spouse again.

But for those of us who do, it is a blessing and a curse. A blessing for this love was incredible and a curse because it causes us much pain.

I have thought about this deeply for years...I am truly grateful for the love we shared for so many years and would not change that for anything. Many things could have happened to "separate" us..this abandonment is particularly painful but, I know that something happened to him...and I can live knowing that his crisis is real and could not be prevented....

I am sorry that it hurts us so much but I have learned that life has both pain and pleasure...really no one escapes the desolation but there is also a great deal of consolation in life.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Online Philadelphiagirl

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #61 on: November 20, 2018, 11:55:48 PM »
Following along 66 and I know exactly what you mean. There is no point in me trying to say that me and the kids are in a better place now than we were when H was here. We are not, there is a huge gaping hole in our family life and we are just trying to make the most of our lives now - but it would not be right to say that I don't miss the H and Dad that my H was - especially at holiday/birthday times. Like you some days I just want what my heart wants. Be kind to yourself. Holiday times are difficult. Sending lots of love and support. You got this. PG xxx     

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #62 on: November 21, 2018, 03:44:26 AM »
66, you have come such a long way and you've worked hard for all you have now.
Xyz is right...we feel what we feel, and accept what we must. You lost something you valued and that hurts. You didn't choose it but you have done your best to deal with the hand you hold right now. It is too harsh I think to also blame ourselves for missing some of what we had or loving someone who is no longer who they were...accepting the messiness is kinder even if we don't act on our feelings or share them in RL.

It's ok to feel how you feel unless it makes you do things which are unhealthy for you xxx
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #63 on: November 22, 2018, 08:12:34 AM »
Happy Thanksgiving to all you wonderful, amazing LBS.
Last year at 5 months in he still wished me a happy Thanksgiving- this year nothing. Stings a bit I have to admit.

But on the bright side this year I am more aware of how much good there still is in my life. Sitting here with my D, my grand rats and two cats - trying to stay in the moment  and enjoying it. We have a roof over our head, food to eat, enough money to survive, our health and great friends - so much more than a lot of others have.

I would like to thank all of you again for all your love and support and for helping me along.

Do I regret having loved my H ? No and I do appreciate all the years we had shared.
But just like I can never get enough Cheesepuffs, I still wanted more time with this great love.
Greedy, I know. A lot of people never get to experience that kind of love at all.
That love will always stay within me.




Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Acorn

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #64 on: November 22, 2018, 08:54:58 AM »
A very happy Thanksgiving to you, too, Schratz66!
How right you are...  Count our blessings and live in gratitude everyday.
Your thankful attitude and unconditional love for the person that your H was and the appreciation of those blessed years together are precious.  I’m glad you are there.


Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline FearNot

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #65 on: November 22, 2018, 12:13:00 PM »
Happy Thanksgiving S66! I still want more cheese puffs too. And I agree it's so difficult to love them, and miss them and want them in your life, and not be able to have that. I know that feeling too. My life is not "better" without H. My life is very different. And should restoration take place, it will be very different yet again.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #66 on: November 22, 2018, 01:23:06 PM »
Well, so I reached out. Very plain.

Thinking of you today. May you have a Happy Thanksgiving.

H did reply: You’ve been on my mind today as well. Enjoy your turkey day.

And the monkeys are back at the circus. Is this good, bad, indifferent???

Thunder will say, you reached out - he replied. Take it as a positive and focus back on you.
And I need to. I know I need to. Will go dive back into my book now. Eyes on me. Sigh.
Damn those Cheesepuffs :)

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online xyzcf

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #67 on: November 22, 2018, 01:34:20 PM »
Perfectly fine that you reached out.

They are thinking about us too. Of that I am sure.

It can shake us a bit...still, these small things may matter sometime in the future. And if not, there really isn't anything to loose.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline serenity

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #68 on: November 22, 2018, 01:37:06 PM »
Hi Schratz66,

That was a thoughtful thing to do. It’s good he replied.

They do think of us but obviously we usually don’t know about it.

It’s only natural to wonder what any of it means.

X


Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #69 on: November 23, 2018, 06:46:33 AM »
Asking for reassurance since I can’t rely on myself thinking straight and logical when it comes to H.

Tell me not to ask if he’s still with OW.

If and when he is ready, will he come to me or will he wait for me to initiate????

I so don’t want to screw this up.

A reliable friend said she overheard him talk about going to Vegas with his guy friend and she said when she mentioned that we just went and mentioned my name H looked up and got this big smile on his face. Now mind you this friend is one to dislike everything H has done so I know she wouldn’t just make this up.

Ugh. Save my from myself peeps.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #70 on: November 23, 2018, 06:57:10 AM »
S, you did the right thing.  It's good to check in once in a great while.

Of course he's been thinking of you.  How, we'll never know, until they come forward.

But you are keeping the door ajar.. Not a bad thing.

NO do not ask him anything about her.  Nothing!  Nothing about his life.
I would just enjoy that he responded in a friendly manner. 

Ok, now back to concentrating on you, S.

I'm glad you had a nice Thanksgiving..and yes, you have many blessings in your life.

Hugs!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #71 on: November 26, 2018, 02:48:44 AM »
Tell me not to ask if he’s still with OW.

<...snip...>

Ugh. Save my from myself peeps.

Do we also need to tell you NOT to stick a fork in your nose?   ;)

Seriously, how will that knowledge serve you? What would you hope to gain from it? Would he tell you the truth anyway?

It's like drugs - JUST SAY NO!

All that is good for is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snPgFNMCXBs

I guess there is some copyright issue here but the song is "Gonna Be A Heartache Tonight" by the Eagles...
« Last Edit: November 27, 2018, 06:52:04 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #72 on: November 26, 2018, 03:04:02 AM »
UM I couldn't open the song, it was not available in my country (because of copyrights), but I do love the song by the Eagles.

 :)
« Last Edit: December 16, 2018, 03:25:52 AM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Nas

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #73 on: November 26, 2018, 08:04:27 AM »
DON'T ASK.  It doesn't matter either way.

Back in the spring, my H's number of friends on FB went down by like 25 people - pretty significant.  Then for months it kept going up and down by 1 every few weeks.  I realized it was doing me NO good to keep looking because I had NO way of knowing what was going on, so I just stopped looking altogether and it really did make a difference. 

You're better off not knowing. 
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #74 on: November 26, 2018, 09:43:30 AM »
Ursa - no one told me not to stick that fork in my nose  ;D

Sometimes even a normally smart gal needs to hear the obvious over and over again and I thank you all for doing so.
I will not ask, I will not ask, I will not ask.

Been trying to focus back on me and nothing else. The monkeys are back in lock up until the next contact.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #75 on: November 26, 2018, 10:03:26 AM »
66, as a previous fully- paid up member of the Fork Up the Nose club, I salute you.
We have all been there now and then lol
But, yup, stay away from the crazy monkeys. You'll feel better for it.
And with a nose sans fork  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #76 on: December 15, 2018, 02:13:16 PM »
Just pondering today.
Where does the MLC’s love for us go ?
H used to look at me with love and sparkle in his eyes every time he saw me. Others would always notice and comment on it after all these years.
So where does that love just disappear to ??

Had to put my beloved senior cat down this week. She has been such a trooper through months of fluid therapy, but her body just got too weak to keep going. I miss her so much. And while it was hard, it felt good to cry over something other than H. It felt normal almost.

D and I put up our tree today and it was okay. I know D always loved to go to my in laws on Christmas as they had this huge Christmas Village set up that she’s loved since she was 4.
She asked who would inherit that village now as it was supposed to be hers later on.
It’s those moments that still break my heart on the spot, but I faked it and we had a good day.

Can not wait for the time when joy will return naturally without having to fake it.


Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline serenity

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #77 on: December 15, 2018, 03:24:51 PM »
Hello Schratz,

So sorry to hear you lost your fur baby. It’s so very hard to let them go as they’re such a big part of our lives.

At least you know you gave her a lovely life and did all you could for her. So many animals don’t get that.

Sending you a hug

X

Online Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #78 on: December 15, 2018, 08:55:58 PM »
I'm sorry about your cat. It is always hard to let them go but nice to feel grateful for how much joy and lovevthey brought us. I miss mine too.

I have no idea where the love goes. My h was just the same. I suppose as a 'normal' person, we assume that even if someone no longer loves us the same way or as much, that some residue of that love remains or is triggered by old memories. As it is for us. Times like Christmas it seems natural to think of previous Christmases and our memory of that person after so many years together. And so someone would treat us with respect at least and some level of care or kindness. But they don't do they? I genuinely don't know if my xh ever thinks of me at all, or what he thinks if he does. If he is ever triggered by the sound of a particular carol song or thinks of some of our old traditions or his ILs as he sits down this year with a new wife, new traditions and new ILs. Very odd.

As I can't excavate my xh's head....tempting as it has been to try with a sharp 2x4 occasionally....I really don't know. I guess logically one of two things are true...some residue is still there but it hurts them, or makes them feel uncomfortable perhaps so they bury it deep. Or they have simply erased it completely as a kind of 'that was the old me' fake memory.

It is very odd though. I never could have imagined that my h would choose to completely remove me from his life forever as if I/we never existed and treat me like a non-person really.  I honestly believed for ages, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that my h just loved me too much to never come back. Still find it a bit shocking now and then. But he did and does. Doesn't feel normal to me at all but it is as it is.
« Last Edit: December 15, 2018, 09:04:21 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #79 on: December 16, 2018, 03:40:14 AM »
S, do you still have contact with your in laws?  Have you reached out to them at all?
Or are they the ones who want no contact?

I'm sorry about your kitty.  Their so hard to lose, but like others have said you gave him/her a good life.

About them losing love for us, I don't think they do.
I believe when their in this crisis something happens to them that shuts down their emotions and feelings.  I don't think they even love themselves, let alone any OP they may be with.

I have yet to hear one MLCer, who came out of their crisis, say the loved their alienator.  Not one.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #80 on: December 16, 2018, 03:51:47 AM »
S, do you still have contact with your in laws?  Have you reached out to them at all?
Or are they the ones who want no contact?

I'm sorry about your kitty.  Their so hard to lose, but like others have said you gave him/her a good life.

About them losing love for us, I don't think they do.
I believe when their in this crisis something happens to them that shuts down their emotions and feelings.  I don't think they even love themselves, let alone any OP they may be with.

I have yet to hear one MLCer, who came out of their crisis, say the loved their alienator.  Not one.

Well, Thunder, for those of us whose spouse got remarried - and I guess we are a smallish band - they must think they do to stand up publicly and repeat those vows to someone else surely?
I guess you would say, well they are in still in the tunnel...which may be so...and that their perspective on it might be different later. But it is a pretty huge commitment. (Or it was to me and my original h lol, wouldn't have done it unless we knew that it was real love...although I suppose my xh may now see it differently and believe it was a test tun with his fingers secretly crossed  :) )

Would be a hell of a mess to unpick if you later realise you didn't really, good lord. Not sure if you or anyone else has seen that though. It may just be an LBS comfort blanket perhaps to see the love as 'not real', although I have no doubt from the little I know that it is not healthy or what I would call love, but I imagine it must feel real to them.  I must admit I tend to see their remarriage as a pretty big red line in the sand!
« Last Edit: December 16, 2018, 03:57:26 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #81 on: December 16, 2018, 04:13:26 AM »
Oh Treasur I didn't mean to make light of the pain they cause by withdrawing their love from us and putting it on another.  Especially going to the extreme of marrying them.

I do believe they think they are in love with these alienators.  Absolutely.

But honestly look at who he married.  She is a thief, a liar and she threatened your life.
Do you really believe your XH, in his right mind, could love someone like that?
If that were true he sure wouldn't have married you.

She just fits his mental state right now.  I don't think that is love.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #82 on: December 16, 2018, 04:21:40 AM »
Fair point, Thunder.
No, the person I knew would have seen the massive red manipulative flags, would have been reminded of his bipolar narcissistic cruel and manipulative mother and would never have felt safe with someone like that. He said to me once that one of the things he valued most about me was that I didn't lie or play head games bc I didn't feel the need to do so......ironic.....
« Last Edit: December 16, 2018, 04:23:13 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #83 on: December 16, 2018, 04:47:53 AM »
Yep that's the kind of woman, he fell for and married...when he had a working brain.   ;D

Same with your H S66.  He is now with a cheater, with no morals, who could care less he is a married man.  Some day he will wise up.
Just hope it's not too late for him.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #84 on: December 16, 2018, 05:20:01 AM »
Actually - bc I am having an ok day but just missing chatting to my h, Sunday at home thing probably or the time of year  - the other thing that strikes me is that most LBS, at least for quite a while, are on their own without a partner. Whereas the MLCer has a new person to chat to, share things with, day to day stuff...which is a distraction from any moments of missing us that we don't have. Sort of relationship background noise if that makes sense?

Perhaps it is easier for LBS who do have a new grown up to play with? I wonder if it means you start missing your spouse less on a day to day level....
« Last Edit: December 16, 2018, 05:22:04 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #85 on: December 16, 2018, 06:18:02 AM »
Well I can only speak for myself. 

After my first D I was pretty miserable and did miss him but I soon found my "rebound" guy, it took a lot of my missing away.  I was out having fun and he was a wonderful man.

MLCer who?   ;D

So yes, it definately helped me.

Of course on the flip side I was not ready for a relationship so soon and ended up hurting him pretty bad.

So this time I decided not to do get involved with someone else.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #86 on: December 16, 2018, 07:18:53 AM »
Actually - bc I am having an ok day but just missing chatting to my h, Sunday at home thing probably or the time of year  - the other thing that strikes me is that most LBS, at least for quite a while, are on their own without a partner. Whereas the MLCer has a new person to chat to, share things with, day to day stuff...which is a distraction from any moments of missing us that we don't have. Sort of relationship background noise if that makes sense?

Perhaps it is easier for LBS who do have a new grown up to play with? I wonder if it means you start missing your spouse less on a day to day level....

Yes, this.  I've wondered as well. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Nas

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #87 on: December 17, 2018, 06:25:17 AM »
I've also wondered if, after the new relationship energy dies down, are they less distracted and then do thoughts of us start to creep in more?  And if so, how does the new relationship continue for so darn long?

I also find the discussion of whether they ever think of us interesting, because I can't find a rational, logical or scientific explanation for how they could go years and years without thinking of what they've done.
These two articles are interesting in regards to what happens when you suppress thoughts or emotions:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dream-factory/201511/why-unwanted-thoughts-can-invade-your-dreams?amp

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201801/how-suppressed-emotions-enter-our-dreams-and-affect-health?amp
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Online Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #88 on: December 17, 2018, 07:53:07 AM »
Interesting, Nas.
For us, it makes no sense that they would not. To be honest, after years of a shared life, it makes no sense that they wouldn't also have small things that trigger memories too.
I guess though that they put a lot of energy into trying to stop them...and if they can't probably convert them into a bad memory maybe. Or they just do the numb disassociation thing which sometimes goes with depression.
But logically, I know there are just things I associate with my h - from the smell of lamb to particular pieces of music or places - and up he pops. Now, mostly, I can smile at them when before they just caused me pain. It does make me miss him and it sometimes gives me a little aftershock of 'how can this be' but increasingly I just look at it and then shout loudly in my head 'your h is dead'...which seems to do the trick lol.

 It seems unlikely to me that our spouses don't sometimes have the same little flashes. But how they deal with them is different perhaps. And often, even if it is by their choice or bc of their behaviour, I suspect they have as little closure as us actually. But on different timelines, like roads in the opposite direction...I think the LBS does thebpain and work at the front end and as we detach things fade. For the MLCer, if the process is right, they push it aside, run and avoid it with their new happy....and then it probably starts to seep back in around the edges and nibble a bit. Ironically probably at the very point when you couldn't pay an LBS enough to get them to look back or volunteer for more thinky monkeys!
« Last Edit: December 17, 2018, 07:54:26 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #89 on: December 21, 2018, 07:50:10 AM »
Thank you all for your insight. All of it makes sense about them avoiding and distracting by the other person and if they move through the crisis that it will start nibbling at them then while we start out being eaten alive by the pain and have to work through it.

Thunder, my FIL passed which I believe was the final trigger for my H. MIL depends on H financially and living wise so she immediately broke contact and my SIL made it clear that while she loves me and my D she does not want any discord in the family so she cut contact with us as well. After he left I send a thank you note to MIL thanking her for accepting me in the family for all these years and told her that I returned some heirlooms to him so she wouldn't think they were lost to her forever.

Holiday season is always tricky and so of course I have ups and downs but try not to dwell on any of it for too long. It still hurts, and I still wonder if we are really done and over with or not. I know I will always love him as I thought we had the real deal, but I have no control of what happens down the road.

I will enjoy my Christmas eve with my D and Christmas Day I will immerse myself in a new book and just try to make it through the day.


Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #90 on: December 21, 2018, 08:25:51 AM »
Sounds like a good plan, S.

We can't control what other people do.  That's on them.

Sometimes when this happens we get to see who is a friend and who isn't.  Some people need to be cut out of our lives.

I'm glad you're spending Christmas with your d.  Hope you two have a nice time together.    :)

{{Big Christmas Hug}}
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #91 on: December 24, 2018, 11:43:21 AM »
You are such an amazing person, Schratz!  That was a lovely note to your MIL.  Have you had any contact with him in the past couple of months? 
Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Divorced as of January 2019
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 59
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #92 on: December 25, 2018, 01:55:25 PM »
Email from H on Christmas Eve:
Merry Christmas schratz !! Hope you get to spend some time with D. Signed with his first and middle name.
What I have noticed is that the last few contacts he adds an extra sentence and he’s never signed an email with his name - far less first and middle.
So still odd and I am too exhausted to try to monkeybrain what it means..lol

He thought of me is all I know for sure.

I just replied a day later with Thanks, hope you enjoyed your Christmas.

Not giving anything away - he doesn’t deserve to know what or who I’m spending time with.

Fam - I’ve only heard sporadically from him about the dying cat, a bad dream he had about me and now Christmas. The contact is not the usual 5-6 months as it was before so I don’t know if that means he’s moving along or if he’s done and just being cordial.

I must move on. I’ve decided 2019 should be my year. I have plans to declutter the house and purge a lot of unnecessary things, still looking for another job and will get back to exercising on a daily basis.

Just tired of waiting around and living in limbo.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #93 on: December 25, 2018, 02:52:34 PM »
Merry Christmas, S.

Yep, he did think of you, so chalk it up to...you are still on his mind and get on with our life.

No need to get any expectations from it.  Just a nice gesture, thanks H.
Hope your was nice too.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNot

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #94 on: December 27, 2018, 11:09:51 AM »
Hey S66! You did cross his mind! But I agree, Living La Vida Limbo is the pits and this IS your year! Do you, because you are amazing!
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #95 on: January 10, 2019, 03:35:51 PM »
Well, I survived the holidays, D and the grandrats headed back to school and the house seems so still and quiet. Took a couple of days to get used to again. My days have been mostly okay and just when I think I am moving along nicely, being okay and enjoying life - I catch a glimpse of H at work today and it feels like ground zero again.

It doesn’t seem like it’s been 18 months since we shared a bed and a future. It seems like yesterday and seeing him everything in me just wants to reach out and touch him.

Why is it not hard for him ? Will this crumbling at the sheer sight of him ever go away ? I just want to send him a message so badly but I know I shouldn’t and I won’t.

This has got to get easier at some point.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNot

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #96 on: January 11, 2019, 07:07:34 AM »
S66-Glad to hear you survived the holidays. Those are some rough days to get through.

Well, I survived the holidays, D and the grandrats headed back to school and the house seems so still and quiet. Took a couple of days to get used to again. My days have been mostly okay and just when I think I am moving along nicely, being okay and enjoying life - I catch a glimpse of H at work today and it feels like ground zero again.

It doesn’t seem like it’s been 18 months since we shared a bed and a future. It seems like yesterday and seeing him everything in me just wants to reach out and touch him.

There are days where I feel this as well. It seems like we've been stuck in a time warp. Of course you want to reach out and touch him. I think that is a very natural reaction. For you to be in close proximity like that with him shows the strength that you have. I don't know that I could endure that. Keep going S66. You have come so far! Just breathe  :)

Why is it not hard for him ? Will this crumbling at the sheer sight of him ever go away ? I just want to send him a message so badly but I know I shouldn’t and I won’t.

This has got to get easier at some point.

S66 the crumbles don't happen as often as before and that is great progress that you have made. I think sometimes it is hard for them, we just don't have the ability to really know and that is probably for the best.

S66- I'll leave this here for you. It's one of my favs. Just know you're gonna be okay! <<<<<HUGGGGSSSS>>>>>

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjF9IqvXDjY
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #97 on: January 11, 2019, 07:20:02 AM »
Beautiful song, Fear!   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #98 on: January 14, 2019, 06:38:02 AM »
Thank you Fear for that beautiful song.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #99 on: January 30, 2019, 06:34:10 AM »
Just plugging along - one day at a time.
I keep up with everyone's threads and admire all the brave and amazing people on this forum.
I know everyone heals at their own time frame and I try to be patient with myself and not compare, but some days I just feel less than.
I hadn't been able to listen to music since BD so this morning on the icy roads, I decided to give it a try with the car radio.
I did okay for 10 minutes and then John Legend came on "Love you like I'm gonna lose you" and that's all it took to get me sobbing. I hadn't cried in weeks and thought I was getting better, but clearly I am not if a song can still bring me to my knees.
So, 19 months since BD and I am in the same spot crying in the bathroom at work - so much for progress - ugh - I get so mad at myself.


 
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #100 on: January 30, 2019, 06:44:31 AM »
Oh honey, you'll have those days every once in awhile.  Music can bring it on, I know.

I think you have come a long way!  Don't doubt that and don't be mad at yourself either.  It's very normal.

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Whyus

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #101 on: January 30, 2019, 06:57:52 AM »
Dont be so hard on yourself S, we all still have those days and Feelings. Some heal quicker and others not so. Its all good, we are all different afterall.
I remember the days where XW was infront of me and I just wanted to hold her but knew that I couldnt, ist just cruel. The less we see of them the better.
Do something nice for yourself today.......
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline FearNot

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #102 on: January 30, 2019, 11:23:43 AM »
S66- I think music is one of the toughest things. I started listening to Christian rock, due to the fact I couldn't handle any of the other genres. I dipped into listening to a little bit of music that I used to in the last couple months and it's tough. For me music=memories and I think it's that way for a lot of us. A song takes me right back to a spot where I first heard it, or what I was doing/feeling at a particular time and it seems to remain. Lyrics make you think of certain things, or just music itself brings up the damn feelers/emotions.

Not that this is the same, but when I used to be a hairstylist and the movie Titanic came out... I went and saw it 3x in the theatre, bawled so hard I gave myself a migraine but kept on re watching it (I've probably seen it close to 15 X  :o) . After seeing it when the song "My Heart Will Go On" would play... within the first 10 seconds of the song.... tears, and not just a few. I cried in so many peoples haircuts /colors, and would have to excuse myself to go reign it in. It was horrible... That went on for a very long time before I could control it. And that was only over a movie...not even real life.

You're only human S66, don't beat yourself up on this one. There's going to be triggers and I think music is a darn tough one.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online xyzcf

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #103 on: January 30, 2019, 02:59:16 PM »
I can listen to music now but it took several years...I too listened to Christian music and still do.

Quote
So, 19 months since BD and I am in the same spot crying in the bathroom at work - so much for progress - ugh - I get so mad at myself.

Do not be mad at yourself. Your life has been totally changed, against your will and you do not have to try and "like it". I will never like the way my life turned out and as you know, I am many many years past BD.

In therapy, after 18 months, my therapist and I both feel I am doing pretty good....

I do not expect to ever be "over" this and many many of us feel the same. That doesn't mean that my life isn't good or meaningful....but I won't pretend that it is anywhere near as good as it was for 32 years.

So cry...who cares? Do not be so hard on yourself S66...you are well aware from reading the threads that it is normal for LBSers to feel this way....it is something perhaps to be lived, not necessarily something to "get over".

We are not "better" or "worse" ...we are human beings with feelings and emotions and we are alive...and thus feel these things deeply..just like we feel happiness and joy deeply, so shall we also feel pain and hurt.

I hope that today is a good day for you.

The best I can do is to live in the moment. When I feel sad, I allow myself to be really gentle and loving with myself..I do not criticize myself for having real and true emotions to the loss of a loved one. There is enough to deal with and no reason to think that somehow I should handle this better....I accept, I let go.....this is life and I don't know, maybe tomorrow will be great, maybe not..I have learned that things change and I have little or nothing sometimes to do with the changes...and so living in the moment helps me to make sense out of all of this.

((((HUGS)))))
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #104 on: January 31, 2019, 05:22:07 AM »
Thank you all. I felt a tad better and then of course as I am walking into work today, he walked around the corner and insisted on holding the door for me.
I just politely thanked him and rushed up the stairs.
Sweet Baby Jesus - why does he still have such a hold on me
Back in the bathroom for now


Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #105 on: February 05, 2019, 10:46:22 AM »
Sweet Baby Jesus - why does he still have such a hold on me


I have asked myself the same question so very often S! I just think it takes longer to detach for some of us. And of course it cycles too. Some days are better than others. I think the fact they they are still in our hearts is a good thing, though painful. It shows we have one.....a heart that is. Which is something the MLCer lacks in their present state. I remember telling my H at the very beginning of his crisis that I had enough love in my heart for both of us. And I meant it too. But that turned to anger and rage and depression for a bit. But personally, I am glad the love is back now. Even if it hurts sometimes. We don't want to become bitter and resentful no matter what.

So cry it our S. It is part of YOUR process, which no one else  can dictate. And know there will be better days b/c you still have love in your heart.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #106 on: February 05, 2019, 12:32:19 PM »
I knew I was in the down spiral and I know it's all because of sightings of him at work. His office used to be outside in another small building and as long as I watched out I could miss his car and pondering about him or running into him at work. In 18 months, I only saw him on the work premises once or twice. Now, Lord only knows why, his office was moved right next to the reception area and I have seen or heard him at least 4-5 times just the last few weeks and it's killing me.

I have been actively looking for another job since BD but where I work in government and have to make sure I do not lose any money, it is almost impossible to switch jobs without losing out on retirement funds. I feel trapped and so anxious every minute at work now and there seems no end in sight. This morning I was actually really angry at him. He asked me to come to this agency so we can work together, he is the one that decided he needed to leave our M - so he should be the one looking for another job. Of course he won't because it doesn't bother him to see me. He has no issues - no conscience - no qualms - all is well in lalala land while every breath is hard fought for me trying to survive with some sanity left in me.

It's like he is everywhere - I went to visit my D at school, but then again, he suggested she go to his Alma Mater so everything there reminds me of him as well - there's no escaping no matter where I run.

It is so hard to not try to numb and escape into the bottle like my mother did, but I will NEVER do that to my D.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #107 on: February 07, 2019, 07:23:07 AM »
So, a work acquaintance just told me her story - after 17 years of M her husband left for OW (who was married with kids at the time) and got married immediately after the divorce three years ago. The last few months he started to reconnect with this lady and was filing for divorce from OW. Unfortunately prescription pill abuse caused a massive heart attack and he passed away.

Just shows that they are not always happily living forever after.

----------------

How do most of you handle the Valentines Day ? Send a message or leave it alone ?

---------------

Next question - since the last two messages he had send were three sentences long instead of the two word messages before - do I ever ask anything now ? Like if he is happier without me in his life? Denjef told me these MLC are like stray dogs hiding under a bed and will peek out every now and then and she said he has to figure out if his life is better without me or not. Do I just sit back and wait for him to figure it out or do I poke him ???
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Yo

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #108 on: February 07, 2019, 08:08:27 AM »
I don't think ask him is a good idea, I understand MLC'ers don't know what they really feel or what they think, is like they are living in a cartoon where they are the main character and no matter what they do at the end everything is going to be ok.

In my experience, when I asked nothing good came from the conversation, just him deep in the tunnel or back to OW, and when I am just polite and answer the necessary, he seems to move forward or at least it doesn't hurt.

Sometimes is very hard to not ask and we do it knowing is not a good idea, I've been there lots of times! if that happens just wrap your heart with a lot of cotton to keep it safe because anything can come out of his mouth.
Yo ☺

Offline Acorn

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #109 on: February 07, 2019, 08:22:10 AM »
Time will tell if those 2 longer-than-usual messages were a whimper from under the bed, poking his head out, or he is crawling out.  IMHO, poking, let alone picking up a stick to poke with, may not be the best way even after he has kept up the same dizzy level of communication for several months. 

I doubt that there is a lot of positives in asking questions such as ‘are you happier now without me’ at any time with anybody.   But that’s just me... 

Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Whyus

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #110 on: February 07, 2019, 08:31:55 AM »
Best to just ignore V day, better still, treat yourself to something nice.
I dont Think that you would like his answer if you ask if he is happier... you May Not want to go there.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #111 on: February 07, 2019, 08:41:53 AM »
I agree Valentine's Day is way too romantic of a day to contact him.  Usually you send msgs to your loved one.  Sorry, but that is one day I would leave alone.

S, why are you feeling the need to poke him.  He has just started peeking out a bit.  You may scare him away.
Just my opinion.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #112 on: February 07, 2019, 08:54:25 AM »
What a sad story, 66, and how difficult that must be for your work friend.

I'm with everyone else.
Do nothing at all. Not a single thing.
If the messages are part of a pattern of change, trust that you will see that and can decide if you respond differently down the line.
Until then, buy yourself a valentine's gift (I've just bought myself a really cool pair of laced knee length suede boots to replace an old pair on their last legs, if you'll pardon the pun! And I will take my mother a card and flowers and spend some time with her)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Philadelphiagirl

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #113 on: February 07, 2019, 09:18:45 AM »
Hi 66, I agree with the others, I wouldn't do anything around V day. Focus on you, I wouldn't ask him any questions. I did that soon after BD and did not like the answers. Protect your heart, take care, PG xxx

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #114 on: February 07, 2019, 10:32:42 AM »
I go back to my firm belief that there is nothing you can do to change the course of the timeframe of his crisis.

But I think there are things that might cause him to run further.

I believe they have shame and guilt and contact with us, can cause them to go back into their shell .

I do not send him greetings for Valentine’s Day or our anniversary.

We both send greetings, cards and even gifts for our birthdays and Christmas.

We also acknowledge the dates of our parent’s deaths and Easter, Mother and Father’s Day. As my therapist says. He is very confusing.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #115 on: February 07, 2019, 05:39:01 PM »
S66..sorry you had a rough patch and it will be hard having him around your work place!  Ugh!  A new job may be best for your mental and emotional health, but I totally understand how hard it must be to leave. Always seems we are continually "tested ". We will be super-strong some day ! 

I would not ask him 1 single thing ...not even about the weather . If he is "poking out" ...leave him to it. Time will tell. Just let things go as they will with no action or "help" from S66.

Valentines ?  Another NO   ( my opinion) . Nothing at all.

Keep going S66!   Look how far you have come ...!
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #116 on: February 08, 2019, 03:42:10 AM »
<breaking out the velvet-covered 2x4>

Valentine's Day? Seriously? Not only no but HADES NO!

As for the rest?

Rule #1 - There IS no Fight Club (or poking the Mid-Lifer).
Rule #2 - There IS NO FIGHT CLUB (or poking the Mid-Lifer)

Let me ask you - what would you hope to gain? If there is ANYTHING you expect to have come of doing that, it means that you have EXPECTATIONS and that is the surest way on earth to have your butt handed to you on a platter...

In other words:
"Doctor, it REALLY hurts when I stick this fork up my nose."
"Well then  STOP STICKING THE FORK UP YOUR NOSE!"

He has now managed twice to string together a series of more than 2 words...  ::)  Yippee! He has graduated to 2nd grade communication. Reading ANYTHING into that is simply indulging in fantasy and grasping at straws.... IF he were to be consistent over time, THEN you MIGHT consider that he COULD be POSSIBLY be having a moment of clarity... But not much more.... 

Once is pure random chance, twice is a simple coincidence, third time is enemy action....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FearNot

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #117 on: February 08, 2019, 01:00:05 PM »
I'm with the rest S66... as much as we want to reach out to them... best to skip "Pink Halloween" (aka V day) for reaching out to them. I don't think anything good can come from it.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #118 on: February 08, 2019, 02:15:36 PM »
Mardi Gras. I gave up Valentine's day for Mardi Gras. And celebrate it with people who enjoy it.  And if your H wishes you a Happy Mardi Gras, you can respond in kind. That's my suggestion. :)
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #119 on: February 10, 2019, 03:01:18 PM »
I get it S66.  This will be my 4th Valentines Day since BD spent without H, and on the 1st one I was still married.  It's not easy.  But I agree with everyone else about reaching out on that day.  Don't do it.

I'm sorry that it has been so difficult to find another job.  Is there any chance of still working in the same company, but transferring to a different area or location?  Seeing him so frequently has to be very difficult as every time it rips of the band-aid from the wound that is trying to heal.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Online Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #120 on: February 10, 2019, 11:18:29 PM »
The first couple of years I bought and wrote a card but did not send it. I needed to mentally reach out to my then h I think bc I loved him and still had hope. Since then, no, nothing. My xh evidently no longer even liked me, let alone loved me, and had shown that all those previous years of love meant nothing at all to him now. His loss but part of my letting go too, so a sign of my progress  :)

Valentines Day is about love but there are different kinds of love that can be acknowledged. This year, I bought myself a small gift for my allotment to say 'I love you, Treasur'  :) and I will see my mother and show her some love too and I will see my uncle bc it is his wedding anniversary but his wife died 4 years ago and I know it is a tough day for him, so a little love there will be a nice place to give it.

Maybe do something for you or for someone else you think would like a little extra spoonful of love?
« Last Edit: February 10, 2019, 11:20:28 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #121 on: February 11, 2019, 01:30:56 AM »
Valentines Day is really just another day. I do not really get a;; that excited about it but I know it is special to others. When all my girls where home he would bring them all a chocolate rose with a special note . They still talk about that memory and it was very nice. I would get chocolates or flowers. Within a few weeks of BD, I noticed flowers on his VISA bill. Previously, I would never opened his mail but I started to watch everything. Over 150.00 at a flowers shop. It was my birthday, our anniversary, mothers day and my youngest daughters birthday ...all within that 2 weeks. No flowers came into this house . So you are forced to start to "know". He lied at the time ( of course) . But once I finally got the truth out of him ( OW's birthday is 2 days after mine) ...I told him NEVER EVER
buy me flowers ..".they are payment for tricks that wh*r^s do ". Nasty rage and hurt.  He is away this week , so I suspect I will get nothing but "happy Valentines".   Ok with me .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #122 on: February 13, 2019, 11:31:57 AM »
Thank you each and every one - I value your opinion and know you all are right on.
Guess being in the crazy loop just clouds my judgement some times to the point of extinction....thank you for always bringing me back out into reality.
Valentines Day - will be me taking myself to lunch, calling my D and curling up on the couch with a new book I just picked up from the library.

No poking the bear - time will tell - can't hurry things along - what will be, will be - I get it all and yet sometimes I need to hear it again from my tribe and thank you for always coming through.

Still looking for jobs - every Monday when the government job opening post, I am right at it - not giving up trying to leave this place no matter how long it shall take. The last few days have been a bit of an upswing again and I am grateful for any 'up' ---- this dreary crappy winter weather just always gets to me.
I am so ready for spring and flowers and yard work and signs of renewal everywhere.

I was very proud of my D today as she actually went to the doctor to ask for help with her anxiety - it started when MLC left and dropped her like a hot potato and really got bad after losing her friend last year. She had been isolating herself and become almost paralyzed by it.  We had talked and she tried coloring, yoga and meditation and nothing seemed to help. She didn't want to go see a doctor because she feared they would label her as crazy - I told her it is okay to ask for help and she finally did - so happy for her.


Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNot

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #123 on: February 14, 2019, 09:46:21 AM »
Hey S66!

Good on ya for dropping the stick and not poking the bear... as hard as it is.

It's awesome that your daughter reached out for help. Anxiety can be so debilitating!! That must be a bit of a relief for you!

Enjoy the upswing, the new book and hopefully that job will come your way!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #124 on: February 15, 2019, 03:08:57 AM »
Thank you Fear.
So the dreaded V day is over and the only rough day left for a while is his birthday on Monday. At this point I don’t even know if I have it in me to send any birthday wishes. I am just so exhausted of him still taking up every moment of my thinking and even dreaming about him. Strangely enough though until last night in all my dreams he was still always stand offish. Last night in my dream he had decided that I was the one. Of course the dream also included puppies and horses and elephants so it could be all just a circus dream.

Anyhow - I realized this morning that I have to find the will to survive this if I don’t want to die. This grief and pain and heaviness inside is surely going to have some effect on my body and i don’t want to have caused my own cancer somehow. How do i make the turn ?

The turn to face away from hope and love. The turn to make me priority? The turn towards brighter days and survival?

I must find a way to save myself.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #125 on: February 15, 2019, 03:19:02 AM »
66, from experience, the fact that you are asking the question is part of the turn.
Most LBS are very good at fighting for others wellbeing, but not so good at fighting for ourselves.
Keep it simple. Take small steps. Keep asking yourself 'is this good for me?'. Stop doing things that aren't or put them on pause. Start experimenting with what a 66 who loves herself and thinks she is fab would do. Do that and let yourself learn from doing it.
It will feel odd and like a life raft initially but slowly it will become your new normal.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Whyus

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #126 on: February 15, 2019, 03:20:48 AM »
his birthday on Monday. At this point I don’t even know if I have it in me to send any birthday wishes.  How do i make the turn ?
I must find a way to save myself.

Ok Schratz, Maybe I can help with both issues here.
Put something nice on and go stand infront of a large mirror. Look at yourself and say "why the firetruck should I want to send a cheating, lying POS birthday wishes?".
Then go into town for a coffee or do something nice for yourself!

Only you can save yourself.......

S20 sent me this song when I was sooooooooooooo down, I listened to it over and over.
Mastodon - Show yourself
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUGda7GdZPQ
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #127 on: February 15, 2019, 03:22:29 AM »
S66,

Just the fact that you WANT to save yourself is very healthy movement for you, and you're right anxiety is very hard on your body.

You'll figure it our S.  You are a survivor.  A warrior.   :)

Maybe plan on doing something fun on Monday.  Take yourself to a spa or get your nails done.   Maybe buy yourself a lovely bouquet of flowers or a new sweater.  Make Monday all about you. 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Whyus

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #128 on: February 15, 2019, 03:54:49 AM »
  Make Monday all about you.
Nailed it again Thunder  ;)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online One day at a time

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #129 on: February 15, 2019, 04:25:38 AM »
I have no idea how I missed this entire thread, I was following your previous one!!

Anyhow, I just wanted to say that I completely understand where you are coming from in relation to work.. H and I also worked in the same company for many many years... So it was not only about running into him (which in fairness I didn't do much as the company is quite big) but it's the fact that everyone knows me as his wife.. H left his job in December last year but that doesn't solve the fact that I still run into people who don't know we are separated and either ask me about him or are shocked when I tell them "we" are no longer "we"..

I have often contemplated moving jobs but I got to the conclusion that I had too much changing in the last 18 months so I just couldn't put myself through it.. The need to "run" was overwhelming at times but I managed to keep myself from doing something I could regret.. Now that I feel stronger emotionally, I can handle the conversations about what happened better (although I do avoid a particular building in work and the people who work there!)

Right now I'm trying to move to an area of the same company that I never worked before. I don't know as many people there so they don't know my story.. That's probably as far as I'm willing to go for the moment.. If you can find a way to retain the same benefits and move, try that first.. You eventually will be more detached and even if you see your H, it won't affect you that much.

As for the message for his birthday, I have the same question in my head. His birthday is in a few days and I don't know what to do..I think it probably depends on the situation.. He didn't send me a message for my birthday so in a way I think why should I? But right now we have very little contact so it might be a way to pave the way.. Anyway, I still haven't decided what to do but I can understand your hesitation!

I think the fact that you are thinking about prioritizing yourself is great!!! I still have the hope and love but I have no guarantees so why should I sacrifice my life for him? So I try to enjoy life as much as I can.. This doesn't mean I want to date or find another man.. But I spend time with friends, doing things I like and laughing in every opportunity I get!! Several people have made comments to me in the last while about how "happy" I look and they find it amazing.. And the reality is that we expect our spouses to realize that happiness comes from within but sometimes we forget to do the same for ourselves.. And that's what I have been working on for the last while.. I don't succeed every day but I don't give up! You can do the same S, we all can.. It takes time and none of us are on the same schedule but we all get there eventually!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #130 on: February 15, 2019, 08:59:13 AM »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #131 on: February 16, 2019, 04:35:40 PM »
Just read this: Sometimes the reason why we won’t let go of something that’s making us sad is that it was the only thing that made us happy.

I can do relate to this. Of course my D makes me happy, but I’ve never felt just loved and whole until I met H. And that is something very hard to let go off. I don’t know how to not love him even if I make a list of all the reasons I shouldn’t love him.

But, still must save myself. I feel like Minnie Mouse taking on Goliath in trying to fight my way out of the pain and darkness. My idea is to do all that I wouldn’t normally do and then maybe I will make a change. A friend called me this morning to see if I wanted to join her for a hike. I didn’t feel like it, as a matter of fact I would have rather had seven teeth pulled than leave the house. But, since I normally wouldn’t have went, I told myself I had to go. The only way out is to change me and so I went and met my friend for a 3 hour hike and it was a good day.

Of course on the drive back home my tired bones and brain went back to thinking if I should send him a birthday wish or not. Still undecided. On one hand, it’s something I would normally do and so maybe I shouldn’t this time, but then what about “keeping communication open” and he’s remembered my birthday the last two times —— I think I will see how I feel Monday morning and go with my gut.

Have I mentioned I’m old and out of shape and that hike kicked my butt :)

Off to soak in the tub now. Happy Sunday to all.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Upintheair

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #132 on: February 16, 2019, 05:08:45 PM »
Schratz, I can relate to what you said perfectly. I felt the same that no one had loved me before him and he made me very special. This is one reason that I am also still attached to my h. But for me it's been four years almost so I am more relaxed by now.

I think it was a very good idea that you forced yourself to go on a hike. One of my old time friends has told me: "go if they invite you!", so I go. it helps. I meet new people, I see new places, I experience new situations. Without this friend telling me this, I would sit  at home watching tv most of the time.

You'll figure out the birthday card thing by the time you need it to. On the long run it won't matter that you'll send one or not :)

Have a nice bubble bath!

Up
"Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached."
Simone Weil
Bd: 03-2015

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #133 on: February 16, 2019, 05:16:48 PM »
Aw S, it's so hard to know what to do sometimes, isn't it?

I would just go with your gut on this one.

I see nothing wrong with wishing him a happy birthday as long as you have no expectations he will respond.  NONE.

Just a nice gesture on your part.  Wishing him a nice day.
But that is only my opinion, for what it is worth.

Will it change anything?  Maybe not, but he knew you were thinking of him.  He can take that any way he wants.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Milly

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #134 on: February 17, 2019, 03:28:56 AM »
S, I'm with Thunder on the birthday card. If you feel like wishing your H a happy birthday, do it. I find they tend to mirror our actions, so a no birthday greeting from you, might lead to the end of birthday greetings in the future.

I also like the idea of buying yourself a bunch of flowers on his birthday. Make it also about you.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline FearNot

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #135 on: February 17, 2019, 03:16:27 PM »

Hey S66,

I feel like Minnie Mouse taking on Goliath in trying to fight my way out of the pain and darkness.

Just remember that although you might feel like mini mouse against Goliath, but he was defeated by David with one stone! So as much as you might feel small, and this battle feels so much larger, it is not insurmountable! One well placed stone or a little mini mouse can do much to drop a giant!!

Birthdays are tough, but you're right, see how you feel. Follow your instincts. You'll know what to do.

Congrats on going for your hike. It may have kicked your ass, but you got out there and did it, so regardless you win there! That's awesome!

 
And the reality is that we expect our spouses to realize that happiness comes from within but sometimes we forget to do the same for ourselves..

One day nailed it here. We have to find our own joy and the only way is to take care of ourselves. It's takes time and effort to shift that focus, but you will get there. You have already started. Take care of you!!

Hugs N Prayers!!
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #136 on: February 18, 2019, 08:37:19 AM »
So I woke up this morning and send him the following:
Happy Birthday. May your day be filled with love, laughter and happiness.

He replied within minutes:
Thank you schratz! Even though at this age you wonder how many good ones are left. But I do appreciate it very much!!!

Which clearly shows that he is still preoccupied with mortality and aging and has not made peace with it all. That is still more words than I got last year and now I have no reason to contact until Thanksgiving and can focus again on saving myself.

For the rest of the day I will try to avoid my infamous monkeybraining and shall try to stay busy.

Thank you all for your continued support on this long drawn out crappy journey. Couldn’t have made it thus far without you.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #137 on: February 27, 2019, 12:11:25 PM »
Another first
20 months since BD and the first year I barely got the Happy Birthday - Happy Thanksgiving.
The last 6 months I got the dying cat, the bad dream and two to three sentence holiday greetings.

Today for the very first time, I got an email about nothing really. The previous agency we worked for together asked him to provide his bio for their history book since he was agency head. So, he forwarded me their email and just put - "can you believe the nerve of these people...lol"

Not sure why he felt the need to send it to me, and I thought about not replying, but he has always replied to me - so I just send a gif back.

My question to you wise souls.......nope, not asking why or what it means or any of my usual antics.....

How do I react to such contacts that really have no purpose - I do want to pave the way and remain approachable, but I do not want to be his buddy, his pal ......

Or do I have to be the kind friend with no agenda until he figures everything out ?








Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Acorn

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #138 on: February 27, 2019, 12:22:34 PM »
Not a member of ‘wise souls’ but as LBS who has spent some time in reconnecting and reconciling, I humbly offer ‘if I were in your shoes’ and ‘what worked for me’.

How do I react to such contacts that really have no purpose - I do want to pave the way and remain approachable, but I do not want to be his buddy, his pal ......

Or do I have to be the kind friend with no agenda until he figures everything out ?

‘Remain approachable’ just as you would anyone you encounter in your daily life.  Uncontrived, breezy, pleasant and brief.  It’s like shaking the hand that’s extended to you.  Not too hard a grip, not too long. 

Friendly, rather than kind.
A distant cousin, rather than a friend. 

Just my 2 cents’ worth. 


Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Nas

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #139 on: February 27, 2019, 12:28:40 PM »
Not a member of ‘wise souls’ but as LBS who has spent some time in reconnecting and reconciling, I humbly offer ‘if I were in your shoes’ and ‘what worked for me’.

How do I react to such contacts that really have no purpose - I do want to pave the way and remain approachable, but I do not want to be his buddy, his pal ......

Or do I have to be the kind friend with no agenda until he figures everything out ?

‘Remain approachable’ just as you would anyone you encounter in your daily life.  Uncontrived, breezy, pleasant and brief.  It’s like shaking the hand that’s extended to you.  Not too hard a grip, not too long. 

Friendly, rather than kind.
A distant cousin, rather than a friend. 

Just my 2 cents’ worth.

Agree.  Not too friendly (there is an OW after all).  I think you're doing great.  Sending the GIF in response was perfect, just like you would reply to an acquaintance. 
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Thunder

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #140 on: February 27, 2019, 12:48:44 PM »
I agree.

Odd how he contacted you for no real reason.  Seems just to contact.

Light and breezy is good.  He obviously was thinking about you for what it's worth, S.
It may or not be movement.  He could be cycling.

Sit tight, no expectations, and see what else transpires.
You're reply was good.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online xyzcf

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #141 on: February 27, 2019, 12:57:09 PM »
Over the years, my husband has contacted me  many times for no specific reason. Sometimes to send me a joke or a video clip.

I always respond back and if there was something I wanted to tell him that I think would be of interest, I add it to that email rather than contacting him..I used to, but things are different now that he divorced me.

My therapist pointed out to me when I was agonizing over should I see him or shouldn't I see him when he is in town...she said "you have a choice" and that choice can be one thing one day, and something totally different another day.

The main thing is to do whatever you feel comfortable doing.

I believe, since I would like him to come home, that responding to him when he reaches out is just how I would respond normally to people anyway...and I have been able to get to a point where it doesn't hurt me when I respond back, or when I see him...and I protect myself first.

This is part of how I feel about my own healing and recovery..I am not afraid to speak to him or see him....he no longer has that power over me.

A light and simple answer probably will not change anything regarding your marriage or his crisis, and so, since we are always saying it doesn't matter what we do or don't do...do whatever makes you feel comfortable.
« Last Edit: February 27, 2019, 01:02:27 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #142 on: February 27, 2019, 06:03:15 PM »
Schratz, I am following along as your questions and the sporadic random messages are my experience, too.  I will follow the good advice you received as well.  Maleficent.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #143 on: February 28, 2019, 12:34:57 AM »
Friendly, rather than kind.
A distant cousin, rather than a friend. 

Or, as someone in another thread put it....

The crazy uncle living in the basement <snort>
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #144 on: March 07, 2019, 10:55:57 AM »
Thank you all yet again for your input - I truly appreciate each and every one's advise and opinion.

I realized the other day that I no longer spend 24 hours a day thinking about him and when I do, it's not in the obsessive way - I try to just redirect my thoughts to something else. Every now and then I still dream of him, but strangely enough, even in my dreams he is aloof and ambiguous and not sure of what he wants or if we are over.
Kind of fascinating really how your dreams pick up on that and not just have you dream of how you would like it to be.

And as sadly these days are filled with stories of aquaintances' children dying and or having debilitating illnesses, I am much more grateful and appreciative and thank God every morning for all that I do have. Health, a job, a home - and then I keep hearing Thunder's grandma "It's just a man" and indeed, life can still be full.

No update on the switching jobs front, but I keep looking and it's okay - when the time is right, a new job will come along - until then, there must be a reason to keep me where I am at.

Looking forward to the coming week as it's springbreak and D will be home with my two grandratties - love hanging out with this amazing young woman



Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online Treasur

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #145 on: March 07, 2019, 11:01:51 AM »
Sounding good, 66
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Music45

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #146 on: March 12, 2019, 01:20:49 AM »
Attaching Schratz. For what it's worth, I get a lot of contact from my H. I probably should detach more but I agree with xyzcf: The main thing is to do whatever you feel comfortable doing.
Sometimes I reply, sometimes I don't, sometimes I wait, sometimes I don't. I do whatever I can live with at that moment. I don't think it makes any difference to H. I doubt he notices if I reply or not - so in the long run, it doesn't matter. You're the only one who is affected by it right now so do what feels right for you as you have to live with yourself and how you behave.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #147 on: March 13, 2019, 01:49:03 PM »
They sure know why they call it a rollercoaster - ugh - I hate these ups and downs and get angry at myself for feeling weak when in reality I am only human. After a few good, strong days - I am scraping the bottom of the barrel.

It’s a beautiful sight - trust me. Middleaged female In the yard in the rain picking up leaves with mascara obscuring my sight and squirrels laughing at me. I had to get out of the house and do something to exhaust myself with because the heart is breaking and the tears are flowing.

I wish the dang squirrel would offer something me free therapy or share some wisdom with me. I have so many friends that love me, my D loves me and I am well, yet I waste my days yearning for this one person’s love and affection.

At least I’m not What Iffing or Why but it hurts my soul that he rejects the only person in his life to never let him down. The one that never asked for used him, never asked for anything but love and the one that supported him unconditionally in all his endeavors.

I don’t know that he is happy now, but he sure seems to have no trouble not having me in his life.

Ugh. Just having a sucky moment.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #148 on: March 13, 2019, 02:18:48 PM »

I have so many friends that love me, my D loves me and I am well, yet I waste my days yearning for this one person’s love and affection.



Me too S. Me too. It is b/c this was such a sudden and traumatic end, and something none of us saw coming. We did not "just grow apart." They went bat sh!te crazy. And even if we understand the psychological aspects of MLC, and even accept the process, the fact is, we still love these idiots. And "accepting" that they want nothing to do with us is soul crushing. 

Hugs friend. I totally get it. And I am coming up on 3 years in May.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online xyzcf

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #149 on: March 13, 2019, 03:54:28 PM »
I too have many people in my life who love and care about me. But the intimate relationship I shared with my husband was something different.

I know people who have a new relationship in their life and they tell me it still isn't as satisfying as the marriage that was destroyed.

So what do we do with this? We accept and acknowledge that we are normal to feel this way. So many others on HS will say that they miss their spouses terribly and THAT IS OK.....that love was solid until it blew up..without warning, without reason, without any way to stop it....

That is why several of us are treated for PTSD.....because we are traumatized by this life event...nerissa's therapist said something that I found to be very true:

Quote
My therapist said I would get through it rather than over and and would be forever changed.

I agree with this. I am not a better version of myself, heck, I miss pre BD xyzcf terribly..she did not have anxiety and fear and loneliness and sadness and a wound that runs so deep into her heart...all those love songs about a broken heart really are true.

I am not in denial or trying to be difficult..but I know what life was before and this doesn't compare...and there is nothing I have not tried to become whole again..but I will say this...I am better Schrartz, I couldn't feel that I was better for a long long time..but I am better now.

(((((((HUGS))))))))
« Last Edit: March 13, 2019, 03:55:37 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #150 on: March 13, 2019, 04:35:32 PM »
Dear Schratz,

Your posting made me sad for you, for me and everyone else on this site.  I am out there with you.  Shoveling snow with the squirrels instead of out there in the rain raking leaves with you.  That was me last week. I wore a funny hat to keep my spirits up.

We did not die on them, we did not abandon them in rough times.  We were there in the good times and in the bad times. 

We offered unconditional love for a lifetime and they betrayed us physically, emotionally, and financially...and still we love them and want them back. 

I saw Nerissa's quote and her therapist is very wise.

Please take care.

Online xyzcf

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #151 on: March 13, 2019, 04:56:03 PM »
New thread time please.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Evermore

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #152 on: March 13, 2019, 08:09:20 PM »
Your post made me sad as well Schratz. I'm on the other side of the world (I assume) and it's summer here. Just the other day I was mowing the lawn with that same mascara smeared face. It is a hopelessness that you just can't know unless you've experienced it. Thinking of you.
M: 48
H: 51
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.
Moved in with OW 'by stealth' Dec18-Jan19? (just started staying over and not staying at 'home' anymore (caravan at his brothers))

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Just Breathe
« Reply #153 on: March 18, 2019, 10:46:08 AM »
« Last Edit: March 19, 2019, 03:53:25 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

 

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