Author Topic: My Story Wife's MLC 13  (Read 2598 times)

Offline gman242Topic starter

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My Story Wife's MLC 13
« on: October 16, 2018, 07:35:55 AM »
Quote
W as now texting me at almost midnight last night. I think I said something about the cat at 10 and right around 11:30 I get woken up by her sending a video of the baby playing and saying bubble, which was really cute. And then she mentions that she wants to bring him over again. She was talking about the the other day too, I don't recall if I mentioned it or not. This of course, right after she just said it's too hard to bring him over, which I know is an excuse. She asked what time S and I get home, earlier that afternoon. I think she had an idea to bring him over after she picked him up from day care, which is when she used to come over right after she moved out and before OM gets home. This morning, for no reason, she texts me some song she was listening to.

So I've got divorce papers signed and sitting on the counter and she starts all this mess. We'll see what happens, if she comes over or not. She 's contacting S more, she misses the cats and she says she needs to bring over the baby. He's welcome, but I end up playing with him mostly and I think it's an excuse for W to see me.

I'm just going to keep calm and carry on like we're getting divorced. It's very hard to patrol this connection / cake eating line!  :o

My last post on my thread.. My answer to Thunder's question about why W wanted the D, in synopsis. And in response to UM.

She's always flip flopped on it. Even when she was at home she said she wasn't sure if she wanted to "go right for the throat with divorce". I confronted her about OM and she said she didn't want to lose me, she started the divorce, I went to my lawyer the first time, she stopped it. That lasted a year and then her layer asked her what she wanted to do and she she said go through with it an then crickets for most of the last year. Now she's "running out of money" so she says and she's after me near weekly to get it done.

I think, she's just going to do whatever is easier or to "just deal with it". She wasn't happy, so she wanted to get caught cheating so i'd end it, she wasn't happy with that, so she tries to phone in being a parent and is actually making some effort now, taking S out by herself. There's progress, but not counting chickens.

UM, whatever she's doing isn't working. Maybe it's the looming finality of the divorce, at the minimum, she seems to miss us. But yes, I agree, when they leave and things don't change, it's harder than ever to deny that big flying fickle finger of fate is pointing right back at you.



I don't think at all, the D has anything to do with us. I think it has everything to do with W, her fear of intimacy, her inability to take any kind of decisive action in her life, how she's just let things happen to herself and she just kind of lays where she falls, which is how I think she got into it with OM.

I don't think she ever really wanted it, other than for short time when she thought she was getting away with murder. We've always been best friends. Aside from our rocky start, after her mom died, she was just depressed, but things weren't ever nearly as bad as they were the first few years. They were just difficult, but I never felt like we didn't get along or love one another. I think a lot of it she just runs from negative feelings and blows everything off and that's a lot of what her family does. Things didn't work out at the job. Why not? Because you never showed up maybe.. ?

I know, when we started doing good and before her mom died she was trying. She started thinking about school, she called the police on someone who molested her as a child and she stood up to her mom and her drug use. Of course, she died right after that and the guilt of it was too much and she got in bed and barely got out for the next 6 years and she blamed it on everything from lack of vitamins to her thyroid being off (she's had it checked multiple times and everything is fine). She's just been in denial. To everyone else, her and OM are happy. But if I was, I wouldn't be texting my ex saying this song made me think of you  ::)

I don't think she's trying hard enough, like someone was discussing it in another thread, because she's not miserable enough. I absolutely love her and hope for the best, but I've never been able to help her and I've gotten nothing but jack and schnidt. She tried counseling right away and one night she sat crying on the couch that she wasn't sure if she could do this (fix things). On one hand, it was a really sad and open window into how she must feel on the inside and on the other, it was horribly humiliating. I had been an awesome husband for 15 years and she's telling me, she's not sure if she can be happy with that, her best friend. That's a really hard pill to swallow; I would have done anything for her to be happy and she can't even show up with a smile on her face. Because like UM noted, she's blaming me for something that happened to her and had nothing to do with me.

This is where my deep self learning has come in. I learned I can't hold everyone to the same standard as I do myself and that was really hard for me to learn. Life is just extremely cruel. I'm afraid of settling for someone else, wondering why my best friend has to have these issues and she probably won't ever get over them. Cause like Whyus was saying about his ex, everything worked out for my W... OM takes care of everything and she can play interloper until that blows up. I have to deal with the reality of it and I'm just whining on and on here.

me trying to escape all of my problems



Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10255.0

« Last Edit: October 16, 2018, 07:58:45 AM by Thunder »

Offline Thunder

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2018, 07:54:11 AM »
Gman,

Thank you for your reply.  It all makes perfect sense.
She is really in a messed up situation, isn't she?  It sounds like she just doesn't have the inner strength to deal with it, which is so true with many MLCer's.

They just sit back and let life happen to them.  I think that's how these alienators can control them so easily.  The don't fight them.

I wish she would have some kind of awakening but from the sounds of it, it may only happen with some professional help.

I'm sorry Gman, but you are doing really good.  You are not letting her crisis stop you from growing.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline gman242Topic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2018, 08:46:49 AM »
I think they give up too. Her attitude has always been nothing works out for her, but it's the blinders she puts on. She hates her job, but has never really tried looking for a new one, her mom died and it wasn't her fault, she could never accept the fact that her mom wasn't going to change and be able to have the relationship she wanted with her, she blames her self and does everything she can avoid that feeling, hence all the flirting and cheating. Yeah, it's bizarre to me that someone who was once controlling at home and picked fights with everyone (control issues!) let's OM run everything and control her. No freaking clue honestly.

I think she's had an awakening or in small spurts. She just doesn't believe it's worth her being happy, to pursue that. I think that's the one thing I learned from dating and I learned how to toughen up to it. I know I'm quite the awesome catch that I am, ahem and I think a lot of the women I went out with, really wanted to sort of have it all, with someone like me and in the end, their bad self esteem won over and they chose to settle for nothing, because it was easier than facing the risk of being hurt and facing all of those inner deamons. I think W is just happier with cake.

So I think W is quietly wallowing, missing us and watching our lives move on and this is where I absolutely believe that happiness is a choice. She can choose to be happy, to change, to fix things. I've chosen to be happy without her, because I was given no other choice, she has one and all she has to do is try. I think she is slowly, but is she going to ever leave OM? I think that may be just too big of a speed bump for her. And maybe I'll meet someone someday and she can blow it all off by saying it didn't work out anyway..

Freaking sucks is what it does, but it's reality I think.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2018, 08:52:01 AM by gman242 »

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2018, 04:09:20 PM »
The reason for the divorce is to make the om happy. Then, once he's happy, maybe he'll finally start making her happy. Except that isn't going to work out for her either because OPs don't care about making anyone happy but themselves and the divorce won't change that.

Offline gman242Topic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #4 on: October 16, 2018, 04:55:09 PM »
No you're right, I didn't mention that.. I think it's being pushed by him. W was being nice all day and I happened to mention I think I'd be running the papers down to the post office on Friday. Then she said oh ok again and nothing all day  :-\ I spun around that for a bit, like it's ok for her to bring it up and when I do, it's not what she wants? It was honestly a neutral, because she asked me to kind of thing. I tried not to monkey brain too hard.

I just figure, or hope on some level, she just wants to please OM until she can get her ducks in a row, however, if he's that controlling, it's not going to end there with the D at all..
« Last Edit: October 16, 2018, 05:35:44 PM by gman242 »

Offline gman242Topic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #5 on: October 17, 2018, 08:53:37 AM »
I did monkey brain that, although I kept my mouth shut and everything seems to be fine in la la land with W.

I think getting the hiring out of the way has been a load off of my directors shoulders. He seems much more relaxed. They hired a virtual kid and I'm curious to see what he knows. I'm going to be walking a thin line though between subordination and saying "hey I was just the assistant..". I just have to cruise through here until I get my Masters.

I did have a moment yesterday and I threw a pity party. I like what I do, a lot, but I don't find it fulfilling. I think that's a tough distinction and line to define. I think the biggest thing here is I feel taken for granted and like an outsider. It's just me, everyone else I bump elbows with is IT. In fact the other day I needed help on a project and they said they were going out to lunch and I was like well I'll go and we can come back and finish, but they were meeting some other techs and well, I went to lunch by myself and then met them back in the room.

That's the kind of stuff that gets me down. I'm no longer working directly with anyone and that's really where I get my joy from. Continuing on that thread, I met up with the rep that came out last time and we talked in the hall for a bit and he asked me what my role at the college was as I seem very knowledgeable about the AV stuff. So it may have just been my bruised ego talking. The other rep that came out too was really nice..

I'm a great guy and everyone likes me, what can I say! lol.

I just feel I have this stink I can't seem to get rid of. My wife left me, I didn't get a promotion, I've been feeling like a stock character in hallmark Christmas movie.  :-\ but, those were the two biggest things holding me back and I've really been given a second chance here to clean the slate and start over. I feel worse, but my interactions have been making me feel better and better about myself. It's weird I know.. and I'll get to a point where I don't even feel bad anymore because I'll know my worth and won't even question it, because everyone around me can see it and I'm the one who can't.

Everything happens for a reason, even if it doesn't make sense at first, I think. Just trucking on here..

Offline gman242Topic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #6 on: October 19, 2018, 09:44:29 AM »
I texted W yesterday to ask about some papers and things. She was very keen on helping out, but she didn't respond for several hours and ended up calling me to talk about it.

She wanted to stop by Wednesday but didn't because my mom was over. They just got back from ny and she wanted to see us. I think W just missed my voice.

Her latest thing is telling me she hardly uses the phone anymore. But facebook says She's been up until 1am and she texts me more often now at 12. I wonder if she's back to sleeping on the couch  ::)

We got new copiers at work, part of some pay for print deal and it cut out the scanner. Rather than pay for new toner at home, I bought a photo printer / scanner. I want S to get a gmail and I want to scan photos and documents and put them to where he has access to them. My parents were very hands off about that kind of thing and I don't want to be with S.

The new guy at work has started and he's way over his head. I really think the VP just wants people to jump to and cater to his whims. I was talking to another manager and he's always frustrated that he can't him to respect protocol and chains of command departmental boundaries. I'm sure that's why I didn't get hired. I provide my opinion based on my experience as a public servant and a tech who supports the staff and teachers.

So their loss really although I really feel good about myself and how many accolades I've gotten over the last year working by myself. It was really an experience I needed. I really want to teach but I can now see myself maybe being a dean, assist and dean etc. I have much more confidence in myself now along with a better perspective of myself. And I'm not going to miss the physical work at all.. The roadie life is not for me anymore.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #7 on: October 19, 2018, 12:24:07 PM »
I'm happy you're working towards a goal.  You will be much happier doing what you really want to do.

What made you think by what she said she didn't want it (when she said..oh ok)?

Or was it that she didn't say any thing more?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline gman242Topic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #8 on: October 19, 2018, 12:44:37 PM »
It was both.. in general she has this pattern of telling me it's ok she understands how busy I am and she lets it go for 6 weeks and then she's on me daily to get it done. And then I step right up and say I got it done and she goes silent right after being chatty. Maybe I'm inferring, but she seems more comfortable when she brings it up and when she's in charge. All part of her flip flopping I guess.  ::)

Offline Thunder

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #9 on: October 19, 2018, 01:20:53 PM »
Ok, I understand, it's like she doesn't like YOU bringing it up.  She needs that control.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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