Author Topic: My Story Wife's MLC 13  (Read 2599 times)

Offline Anjae

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My Story Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #70 on: December 18, 2018, 10:49:49 AM »
Rest, Gman.

Thanks for the article.

I was familiar with anger being a form of attachment = our angry MLCers are still attached to us. Lucky us.  ::) Not.  ;D

I think the LBS lets go of anger towars the MLCer sooner than the MLCer towards the LBS.

Another form of attachment is legalities/court cases, that some MLCers also use. They just can't let go.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline gman242Topic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #71 on: December 18, 2018, 11:11:45 AM »
Thanks anjae! I wonder if that's what drives replay to an extent. W was a good mom, but she was also the self sacrificing type we're familiar with.

I'm now buying art and printing photos to hang and things and after being married for 15 years, our house looked like a couple of young 20 something newlywed's first apartments, just bare and spartan. Now W has new teeth, a car like the sales people at work, a smart watch she fawns over daily, new clothes every time I see her...

The first thing i bought for me in years, was a pair of shoes I bought with a gift card online that I traded cash to S for, since he wanted the money instead.. SMDH as they say.. I know too, it's all too common they fence themselves in and then one day they realize they've caged themselves in and the LBS is the jailer, which is totally untrue.. I think the MLC is just another cage, the bars have stayed the same, but the view has changed. I think this is one of those metaphors in that the MLCer may never realize the door was unlocked the whole time and all they had to do was open it and walk though it..

I agree with you too, I think her hammering me about getting the D done is another form of control. Like I'm the one that won't let her move on..



I've got half days this week and then vacation for the next two.. you bet your sweet bippy I'm going to be resting  ;D
« Last Edit: December 18, 2018, 11:14:37 AM by gman242 »

Online Treasur

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #72 on: December 18, 2018, 11:16:16 AM »
It is a good article.
Fwiw, I think we can unconsciously hold on to a lot of suffering - not just anger - bc we are afraid to sever a connection completely. To lose someone all over again in a way. I know that there was/is a stage in grief following my loss of my father when I feared somehow that if I stopped hurting I would let his face fade from my heart somehow. It did a little...then it came back but without the same sense of pain. Not there yet with my mother or my former husband.

Lots of LBS fear that, I think, and we see posts about worrying that detachment will mean that they stop caring or loving at all.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline gman242Topic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #73 on: December 18, 2018, 11:19:41 AM »
Treasur, I can see that and I think that's been me for a long time. I'm moving towards just wanting and hoping she gets better. She has a new baby and just reliving the same life over and over is sad :(. I just want her to be happy really and give the baby and our son the best lives they can.

I don't think OM is it either.. I think she just flipped 180 from being the controller to the controllee like many MLCers do. SCRIPT lol as they say

Offline Silver

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #74 on: December 19, 2018, 03:18:46 AM »

The first thing i bought for me in years, was a pair of shoes I bought with a gift card online that I traded cash to S for, since he wanted the money instead.. SMDH as they say.. I know too, it's all too common they fence themselves in and then one day they realize they've caged themselves in and the LBS is the jailer, which is totally untrue.. I think the MLC is just another cage, the bars have stayed the same, but the view has changed. I think this is one of those metaphors in that the MLCer may never realize the door was unlocked the whole time and all they had to do was open it and walk though it..


So true gman. I even got the script words "never thought I would got this trapped in my life" or something like that. I was the jailer obviously as well as controller. Teenagers call those people parents don't they?? Funny that now, even it is almost an year post divorce, she still doesn't look like she wouldn't be trapped in something...



"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline gman242Topic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #75 on: December 30, 2018, 08:58:09 AM »
Hey Silver! And hey everyone else! Happy holidays and a happy new year!

It's been a great week so far! One week left to go. We've been to busch gardens, several malls, watched a lot of movies and rested and I got some yard work done. Christmas was great! Christmas eve we all go out to dinner at this Italian place, with my parents, my sister, brother in law and his parents. Christmas day, it was just us and we went over to my parents where we spent the afternoon.

I've been slowly studying for my science exam and I'm hoping to do some car maintenance and pressure wash the side of the house and S needs to study for his driving exam, hopefully we can get that done before the next week is out. Yesterday was our end of the year airsoft game and it was huge and it went quite smoothly. I had a lot of fun and S was there the whole day too and played most of it and didn't complain either lol. I was kind of proud. He's taken quite a few steps forward into maturity lately.

W came over Saturday and she brought S a gift. They've really been connecting lately and Saturday was a huge leap forward. They were playing and laughing like nothing had ever happened.. W has been making an effort to keep in touch and keep texting him and I've also been telling S that if he says that he wants his mom to text him, he needs to take advantage of it and be nice, talk and reciprocate. So far he's taken it to heart and they've been having a better relationship. W was also playful, teasing me and she left in good spirits and told me we'd talk about Christmas eve & day. I wasn't expecting it, considering she brought S a gift and she never came over.

W seems to be making some progress or something.. She said (note said) she wants to look for a therapist again as she thinks talking will help her, however, she said she knows what her issues are, but she knows she's scared to face them and that she runs away from her problems.  Even though I don't think it'll come to anything right now, I think it's a definite step towards acceptance. She's also been using humor to acknowledge that she has some issues too. I thought that was different than her previous, anger / depression filled  acknowledgements. And through text she's been playful and flirty with me.

The other day though, she posted photos of her, OM, the baby and OM's daughter on facebook. It didn't bother me and I didn't monkey brain at all about it, it was the first time she's posted anything since before BD three years ago now?

I"m not surprised really, I think she wanted to come over on Christmas, but OM's daughter was there and he probably was like "your family is here" and they've been together for 2 years and he's nowhere on her facebook? I was mad when we were together because she did the same thing to me. Any time I posted photos of us, she texted me within 30 seconds to take them down because they were ugly, according to her :/

I think she's moving forward a bit, but she's still confused, unhappy and I admit, I'm a tad jealous of OM's control over her. Since her mom died, she took everything out on me. I was also more frustrated at how it seems like a social requirement to tell a woman, when she posts a photo, how beautiful she and her family is. barf.. most if not all of them know what she did. I've always known her family is a bunch of enablers.. but it's frustrating to me that I get likes on my photos, but the only time I ever hear anyone say anything nice in that regard is in person or over the phone. I think guys could benefit from the PDAs we lavish on women, but that's the sociologist / psychologist in me talking.

So I was doing some checking on my transcripts and I found out that my degree was awarded back in august! I have no clue what happened. I took an independent study course over the summer to satisfy a credit from way back when and I'm curious if the "system" said ok, he completed the credit, he graduated and then the advisor thought something else and I had to take two more classes? If that was the case, I want to know why I haven't received my diploma in the mail yet. So they college will be open the 2nd so I'll be calling and I'll also be calling the school system here too, because I need to ask some questions and check and see if I have everything straightened out with my application.

My mom has turned a major corner herself. we talk now like normal people.. it's really weird, but honestly nice. She's made some major major progress and I think it's awesome.. I just got off the phone with her. Her and my dad are headed to Orlando to spend new year's with another couple. I see it now and I don't know why she does it.. maybe we just get along.. I don't know, but she talks to me like I'm her daughter.  ;D I just got done hearing about hallmark movies and I remember once, years and years ago, when I was a young man, I had a star trek costume (yes go ahead and laugh!) that zipped up the back and I was having trouble with it. My mom got frustrated with me and just blurted out "it's just like a dress!" and I would know that because why!? Maybe my mom is just weird that way.. I don't know. We get a long a lot and we're similar and my sister isn't much like a daughter.. maybe there's some transference going on there.

So tonight, the movie theater near us is showing the original die hard. My son likes old movies. I had a lot of fun going to older re-reruns back in the day. It's fun I get to share that with my son. I think we're going to go to home depot for some kind of cleaner I use on the house and windows so we can pressure wash and we'll stop by his aunt's house and then run to the movies.

Hope you all are well and are enjoying your time off and the holidays!! :) BIG WAVE to you all.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #76 on: December 30, 2018, 06:34:03 PM »
Thanks for the update. I'm looking to forward to hearing what you find out from the school about your diploma.

Offline gman242Topic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #77 on: January 04, 2019, 12:18:20 PM »
MBIB, happy new year!

I wrote and called the school and I got an email response yesterday that said since I applied for fall graduation, my diploma will be processed and sent out for this term, so I'm thinking February sometimes. However, the transcripts say it was awarded august 4th and I guess maybe completing degree requirements vs getting the paper diploma are two different things?  It doesn't make any sense and while the diploma will be nice to hang on the wall, the transcripts are what's more important.

This break has been great! Lots of TV time, cleaning inside and out, we went to the beach, orlando, busch gardens, looked at tons of lights.. I"m now really looking forward to studying for my science subject certification and applying for jobs!

I've been feeling / /figuring things out too and I never thought I would have this much trouble putting words to my feelings before, but this is all new to me and it's not black and white; the whole MLC experience I'm referring to here. So I've kind of gone into quiet mode and oddly enough, there have been many threads that have been saying what I've been thinking and feeling. I'm rounding the bed on 3 years here and maybe we're all at similar points.

I liked how it was phrased, "I got over the crisis and then I got over them, as a person". There was also another post that questioned if they were done or not and they simply replied that they just kept dropping the rope longer and longer until they didn't pick it up again and they weren't sure what it meant other than they haven't picked it up again yet.

I think that's a good summary for where I've been lately. I've gotten over the crisis and made huge strides in my own progress and I'm now looking at W with a fresh and new perspective. All over her behaviors and problems are so obvious to me now, had I been who I am now, then, we never would have made it past the first few dates.

The last time she was over here with the baby, he picked up a soccer ball she leaves over here and he threw it, two handed, over his head. I knew that was something from soccer and I was impressed with his skills in being able to imitate behavior and I asked W if she knew what it was and she responded "I don't know" in her way that I now recognize as code for being "I'm leaving you in the dark because it suits my purposes". In the past, I simply believed her and didn't question it out of pure ignorance and not wanting any problems to arise. Now, I can see how childish, immature and selfish it is. Of course she wants to keep me in the dark! OM doesn't exist.. if she doesn't admit to it, it never happened, she can't be blamed and fingers can't be pointed and it keep me on the hook, just cause. All she had to say was, "he probably saw it on the TV", but that would lead to other questions about soccer, OM or something and she wasn't going to answer them, but it didn't fit with her scheme.

So, she sent pictures of the baby with soccer clearly on the TV in the background and she made a facebook post, I guess, that was about some Christmas day tournament. But she doesn't know..  ::) She won't answer the question because she's doing this one foot in, one foot out thing and partly out of habit, because I'm sure that's all she's ever known how to do, lie to and manipulate people.

And you know, I didn't feel anything.. I just knew that after looking long and hard at myself, other people and what i liked about their relationships and what I didn't, who I was and where I was going.. I knew I was done. Not just done with her, with anyone that doesn't treat me the way I deserve to be treated. You can call it dropping the rope or whatever, but it feels good being freed from expectations and quite strangely, from having to be the bigger person all the time.   She made this mess and she can fix it.. no I'm not going to start being a jerk or anything, that's ridiculous. I've seen her cycle quite a bit forward in awareness, but it's not action; I see her playing the same games she always has and here in year 3, I just don't care..

I have my house, it's the way I want it, I'm learning how to be positive instead of negative, I've learned it's not me and my life is what I want to make out of it. I have peace, I'm starting to be happy and frankly I deserve it and it's going to be seriously hard to get me to give it up now.

That's where I'm at! Hope you guys are well and had some great holidays!  ;D

Offline sisyphus

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #78 on: January 04, 2019, 12:24:58 PM »
Gman, haven'[t been on here in a long, long time. Hope you're doing well. Hope you can make the best decisions for yourself.

Offline Mrs.Smiling

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #79 on: January 06, 2019, 08:36:47 AM »
Quote
I have my house, it's the way I want it, I'm learning how to be positive instead of negative, I've learned it's not me and my life is what I want to make out of it. I have peace, I'm starting to be happy and frankly I deserve it and it's going to be seriously hard to get me to give it up now.

YOU are sounding great! I like the positive vibes I get when reading.
I have the positive outlook and I believe the same thing as you, I deserve to be treated with such respect, I won't put up with anything other than that. I have no room in my life for chaos and well cycling behaviors such as our spouses.

Have a wonderful day today, congrats on the diploma , so awesome!
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

 

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