Author Topic: My Story Wife's MLC 13  (Read 2600 times)

Offline Whyus

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My Story Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #80 on: January 07, 2019, 01:21:19 AM »
You really do Sound good gman. Im really happy for you and your S.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline gman242Topic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #81 on: January 08, 2019, 06:34:04 AM »
Hey guys! Thanks for the support :) I do have my down moments, I don't think they're ever going to go away totally.. however, they're smaller and I know they're going to go away and I think that's 99% of it. Just visualizing the process of them coming and going and realizing they aren't about you, so to speak. They're old habits and feelings that have no bearing on the present.

I really do think viewing them as old out dated garbage that will eventually wear off, they will and you'll begin to heal faster and faster. I say that because I spent a long time hiding from my feelings and it's crazy, but I've also read and since learned that any bad feeling may be interpreted as "bad", guilt, shame etc and I can see how I got a double whammy when I was sick as a kid. I was neglected physically and just feeling sick both triggered bad, negative feelings.  Given everything I've been through, I can see why I spent so many years just trying to avoid feeling bad.

I'm just reflecting here... I feel like I've been making huge progress in so many ways and one of the stubborn issues has been around not feeling bad, over feeling bad and I feel like I'm getting a handle on it. Early morning has always been such a huge issue for me.. that's when depression and anxiety are their worst.. I live by the coast and the weather changes early in the morning and my sinus issues kick in then and I think that's when digestion happens.

I hope I'm not over sharing lol, but I had gas pains this morning; however, it's not localized, so you don't know what it is. You feel hot and feverish in bed, you toss and turn because you can't get comfortable and you spent most of the early morning half awake. All in all, in makes you feel crazy.. literally. The larger issues here is because of the general neglect, I never learned these things are caused by allergies etc. and probably happen to everyone at one point or another.

Anyway, long story short, it's been slow going, but I'm able to identify what the issue is, take the right course of action and just get moving and on with my day and the guilt and everything else is subsiding faster. So I'm proud! It's not going as fast as i want, but I'm doing it and getting there.

I've been focusing on that lately.. I've also been reading up on dependent personality disorder. It explains a lot of my issues and also why I tend to get stuck places. Mainly because you want approval and have very little autonomy, you mirror your authority figures, hoping to win their approval. It's why I got stuck in jobs and took very few chances and had no overall plan to move myself forward.

in other news, I'm not studying for my science subject area test so I can teach. I really enjoyed break, but it's also good to be back at work and studying, because I know I'll be moving forward soon.

We got talking about school, W & I and she mentioned again that she had been calling therapists and she said, "at this point, i'm pretty sure I have mental issues". One left a message for her and she needs to call them back. She wants to get on meds for depression and anxiety. I gave her advice how even though I didn't want to rely on it, taking xanax showed me I had control over my anxiety. That's also what therapists have told me too, the meds will reduce your symptoms while you work through therapy to over come them.

It was nice to hear that; it seemed like all of the energy, denial, fear etc was gone and that she was just now aware she has issues she needs to deal with and it is what it is. I really hope she can get better with them if anything for her, because while everything she has done has sucked, I know what its like having issues  :/ 

Offline Thunder

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #82 on: January 08, 2019, 07:08:32 AM »
See Gman, you're still figuring things out.  You realize what mornings do to you so you get on with your day right away and not dwell on it and you start feeling better.. Great!

I know I've said it before but I am so proud of all the inner work you have done.  More than anyone else I can think of.

YOU, my friend, will not be having any silly midlife crisis.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline gman242Topic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #83 on: January 08, 2019, 05:26:10 PM »
thank you, thank you thank  ;D I could not have done in part without the forum, for real. I think sometimes it takes just being able to listen and let someone get it all out and other times to just tell them what they need to hear, at the right time.


One more thing I will add about W, we were texting tonight about S and how much he's matured and she said all the years of me being consistent with him have paid off. I think that was a big small step for her and I was really happy to hear it. During, around BD, I realized that she never once gave me a specific compliment. She would say, you're such a good dad or previously, you're handsome.

Some of the women I dated, were married to narcissist guys, who dumped them when they got too old I guess.  ::) I had a couple of them tell me they had never gotten a specific compliment before, after I made a, what I thought was normal, compliment that was based on an observation. I then realized that emotionally unavailable people don't give specific compliments.

FWIW, it felt good, but seeing the small but present change felt better.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #84 on: January 08, 2019, 05:56:07 PM »
I disagree/agree to a point Gman.

Yes this site helps all of us to look at our situation, and how we relate to others, and our spouse, and the pitfalls we may have had growing up, in a more clear light, but you have done so much on your own.  Just looking back on your childhood and how it formed your relationship with your mom and your wife and other relationships has been monumental.

You have just grown so much.   :)


A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline gman242Topic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #85 on: January 09, 2019, 10:58:50 AM »
Thunder, I am being humble.. but thank you! I know, that I got off track with my personal goals after I met W and when she left, I vowed to pursue them and that I really just wanted to get my crap together and have no more emotional or personal issues holding me back I've been dogged and relentless in  that, so yes I agree.  ;D

However....... it takes a village too. lol. This forum has given me the stability I've never known in my life, unconditional love and the simple fellowship of going through the same things with so many other people. So please don't sell you or the forum short either.  ;D

Before everyone tells us to get a room, I'll move onto the next topic lol.

I called the school department here about my application. My transcripts were accepted, so I have no idea why the school said I graduated in Dec. I asked about the master's since all she seemed to care about was the BA and come to find out, I'll only get paid for the BA, since my M. Ed isn't in a teachable subject area. Bad news, the good news is the pay is only 1$ apart  ::) So part of me was relieved and then other part of me wanted to pity party because if I had my crap together 10 years ago, my life would be much different now. But, hey, thank god it only took an MLT to get here and not a full on MLC.

So let's get to the MLCer now.. I texted W and told her what the starting rate was for teachers with their BA.. W says it's not much less than what she's making now and she told me a dollar figure. I was this close to a full on stomach dropping, panic attack, which I held back.. ! Proud of me. Reason being, with her lawyer, W submitted a pay stub for 2012. She changed departments and is making much more now. I knew she lied but she admitted it. I wanted to be angry and think about how I wear clothes from walmart that I stitch up so I can provide S with things and she's been holding out on me.

However, the lawyers will work it out now... so, I may get some alimony. So there's that. But.. W's been making progress and I thought to myself, the real progress will come when she volunteers information on her own, or least, I'll something's changed. W has always lied through omission or just said "I don't know". She's never out right lied to me; her lying is more of the 10 year old, you did go to the store like you said, but you neglected to tell me you stopped at so and so's house on the way there for an hour type.

So.. I think she made some progress there and I say that in light of the other small steps she's made. Nothing huge on the way to repairing the damage, but big for her in becoming a new / different person. It's possible too she figures I'll find out when I get the updated financials, but i think all considered, they're good small steps. 

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #86 on: January 09, 2019, 08:28:57 PM »
However....... it takes a village too. lol. This forum has given me the stability I've never known in my life, unconditional love and the simple fellowship of going through the same things with so many other people. So please don't sell you or the forum short either.  ;D

This captured my attention. You're right, this is very important, but the reason it captured my attention is because this describes what I used to get from my wife and no longer have in my life. She was the foundation that I built my life on.

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #87 on: January 11, 2019, 06:54:04 AM »
I disagree/agree to a point Gman.

Yes this site helps all of us to look at our situation, and how we relate to others, and our spouse, and the pitfalls we may have had growing up, in a more clear light, but you have done so much on your own.  Just looking back on your childhood and how it formed your relationship with your mom and your wife and other relationships has been monumental.

You have just grown so much.   :)

2nd!

Buddy you have been putting in the REPS!  Your growth and progression are not an accident!  Keep up the good work...because it keeps getting better!

Stay Strong.

BB
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #88 on: January 13, 2019, 06:49:31 PM »
Oh boy GMan! I’m loving that you caught W in a lie about her income. Yay—let the lawyer handle that.

You are doing so great. Wow—what you’ve accomplished after the apocalypse of BD is pretty darn amazing. I hope you see what you’ve done all on your own.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline gman242Topic starter

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Re: Wife's MLC 13
« Reply #89 on: January 14, 2019, 09:01:40 AM »
MBIB, I had everything with W too, minus the stability. I need to comment on your thread, as it's given me a lot to think about with W. I've always suspected and think she has some kind of fractured personality.

BBH, if I ain't dyin I'm tryin.. I want to lead a full happy life and I'll get there if it kills me lol.

KIT, oh yea, that was a big one. I have no idea why she came clean. I think it was partly in the cycling forward, but also because I'm going to find out anyway.

Speaking of, W went into an away cycle. Her texts slowed down and she took S to the doctor on Friday and the 1k yard stare (or shark eyes as some call it) was back. She came over to see S on Saturday and take him out to breakfast and she was all over him about combing his hair, criticizing his jeans and making him wear dress shoes.

I got caught up in it a bit, trying to get S to comply with W. I don't think she was half wrong, it is good to look nice when you do special things, but he's also 16 and I would cut him some slack in W's case.

I realized quickly though that it's a form of shake up my mom used to do to me and I guess I was just used to it when W did it. I think it's partly a form of projection, taking anger out and also devaluation. It's like she's saying, "you're not worthy of my love because you won't do what I want". It's a way of not being vulnerable.

A few weeks ago she came over and she said she had the best time ever. Now, she's in her away cycle and kind of saying "I knew you haven't changed" as a way of avoiding dealing with the guilt, frustration and separation. I can't see a normal, loving parent letting a pair of flip flops stand in their way of spending time with them.

S begged her twice to stay, once on Friday and she had an hour until she picked up the baby from day care, but she told him "you're not the one with a baby to pick up". I thought that was pretty rude honestly. And then Saturday, she wanted to know if he had clean clothes to wear to the restaurant, specifically pants he didn't "wipe snot all over".

I really felt bad for him. :( I think W obviously misses us and she was trying to step up to the plate to address some of her issues, but she spun away and projected onto S. I could hear saying why does she waste her time coming over if all he does is sit on the computer? S has been so grown up and he wasn't even on the computer last time she came over. He played with the baby and everything too.

I know it's her, but it makes me feel bad for S and I monkey brained for a but and pulled right out of it. I had another chance to flex some new muscle this weekend too. I had met a woman on one of the apps and I went out with her a few weeks ago. She seemed nice, but I wasn't sure where it was headed. I definitely felt strung along. We had a movie date for Saturday and she changed it to Sunday without an explanation. Between the sparse communication and moving the date, I was pretty surprised that she went through it on Sunday.

To tell you the truth, I just changed my spark plugs the other day, which was a mammoth undertaking (no idea who designs these crazy cars now a days) I did some yard work with S and spent the evening with him, Sunday morning I was pretty cozy under my blanket watching a documentary on vikings and I really didn't want to go. But I went anyway and had a pleasant time. I was surprised at the end when she gave me a hug and said we'd go out again. And then to follow that up, I asked her about what she liked to do, in terms of outdoors activities and she said to be honest, she didn't see this as anything romantic, but hanging out was ok.

I would just say that up front.  ::) She said I was the second person I she went out with, but I didn't believe it. There wasn't much "give" in her and during the movie, her smart watch kept going off the entire time. I felt like I was on a date with the 31 year old who kept checking her phone the entire time. I have no idea why people keep people around and just play the options. i think that shows they don't know what they want TBH, but it's a lousy way to treat people. I got up and over it fast..

Good news, an assistant dean position just opened up that I am qualified for. I am now qualified with my M. Ed, so I am going to give it a shot..

Happy Monday everyone!

 

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