Author Topic: My Story Depression & MLC Pt3  (Read 1372 times)

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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My Story Depression & MLC Pt3
« on: October 21, 2018, 11:06:37 AM »
3rd thread

Brief summary  - 16 months post BD - wife has now moved out claiming she needs to work out wants she wants in life and to find her happiness.

Finding life very tough -  I miss my wife - She can't be replaced.

Detaching & GALing - Living like she is not coming back.

Very grateful for the posts and contributions of those who have gone before me on this very painful journey.

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10412.140
« Last Edit: October 21, 2018, 11:10:47 AM by MKnight10 »

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2018, 11:10:11 AM »
From previous thread:

Quote
What if I tell you that I felt NOTHING for my husband?
I wanted him to disappear
I wanted him to leave me alone
I wanted him to just go away and don't bother me
I didn't love him anymore and I was SURE i never will

Time.....

After 5 year
I'd give everything just for him to hold my hand
I'd give anything for him just to be with me
I'd give anything to get his attention

When the FOG was gone I knew he is the only one i want to spend my life with
Difficult to explain MLC, as you can't comprehend that sudden " unlove" , sudden personality change. There is no such thing as ILVYBIMNILWY nonsense.

Hi BB -Ive been reading some of your threads - thanks for your post. What made you so sure you were done with your husband and equally what then made you decide he was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

5 years is a long time to wait for something that may never happen.

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2018, 11:48:23 AM »
Following you along MK. Keep the chin up!
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017
BD2 - 22nd March 2018
H left home 11th May 2018 (my decision) - Moved in with parents
EA with someone 12,000 kms away!!
Trying very hard to let go...

Offline In the valley

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2018, 08:07:29 PM »
Following along.
M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2018, 11:45:01 PM »
From previous thread:

Quote
What if I tell you that I felt NOTHING for my husband?
I wanted him to disappear
I wanted him to leave me alone
I wanted him to just go away and don't bother me
I didn't love him anymore and I was SURE i never will

Time.....

After 5 year
I'd give everything just for him to hold my hand
I'd give anything for him just to be with me
I'd give anything to get his attention

When the FOG was gone I knew he is the only one i want to spend my life with
Difficult to explain MLC, as you can't comprehend that sudden " unlove" , sudden personality change. There is no such thing as ILVYBIMNILWY nonsense.

Hi BB -Ive been reading some of your threads - thanks for your post. What made you so sure you were done with your husband and equally what then made you decide he was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

5 years is a long time to wait for something that may never happen.
Please dont think that your W will have a similare awakening. Some threads give hope, too much hope even. It doesnt always take a turn for the better but when it does everybody thinks "great, theres proof so I will wait another 35years"...
You say that you are living as though she is never coming back. Thats what you have to do but dont lie to yourself, you have to live that way .

Hang in there fella, day by day.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2018, 12:37:19 AM »
Living like she is not coming back - What I mean is just getting on with my life - eating, working, sleeping and keeping up with my hobbies, interests and sporting activities I've always done. Keeping in touch with friends, family and being sociable.

I am out there doing things and trying to move forward. I'm not sat around at home, pining for her in a darkened room with the curtains drawn and lights off.

I am not out drinking my self stupid, or doing stupid things to attract attention; I'm leaving her alone and mirroring her level of contact.

Yes - I have a permanent air of sadness over me - I have a massive sense of loss. But as each day passes, my new normal feels more normal and I adjust to my new environment;

Mixed messages are tough. I think I read it was checking you are still where they left you. Not completely letting go on their part.

I believe I'm living like she is not coming back, although I would want her back - after a long conversation.
« Last Edit: October 22, 2018, 12:38:52 AM by MKnight10 »

Offline Whyus

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2018, 01:06:18 AM »
You seem to be doing everything right mate, good for you.
I personally would not think twice about taking my ExW back because she is gone. It would be a clear NO!
The woman that I married has left the planet, the Change is unbelievable. Both her Looks and personality have nothing to do with my "W" as i knew her.
IF she were to awake sometime AND transform back to the Woman she was AND I was "available" at that time then I would consider it, she really was near perfect imho. but there is no Point in waiting for such a Thing to happen. IF and WHEN it happens is the time to think about it, not a second earlier.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online One day at a time

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2018, 01:10:40 AM »
MK, you seem to be doing exactly what I'm doing.. And you are right, as each day passes, you get more used to being on your own. Not like you wouldn't like to have her back, I know I would like to have my H back, but day after day you will see life goes on and that you are still alive and you start to enjoy some of the things you are doing.. I think it's the best thing you can do, as hard at it is..

Time will tell if this is the end of our stories with them or not.. In the meantime, all we can do is to live our lives and see where that takes us. We might get to a point where we don't really care if they want to come back or not. I still think that scenario is very sad but at the end of the day, that's what they decided to risk.
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017
BD2 - 22nd March 2018
H left home 11th May 2018 (my decision) - Moved in with parents
EA with someone 12,000 kms away!!
Trying very hard to let go...

Offline Whyus

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #8 on: October 22, 2018, 02:00:12 AM »
Time will tell if this is the end of our stories with them or not.. In the meantime, all we can do is to live our lives and see where that takes us. We might get to a point where we don't really care if they want to come back or not. I still think that scenario is very sad but at the end of the day, that's what they decided to risk.

It is a very sad Scenario but i think that it depends how much the MLCer has changed compared to the Person they were pre BD. My ExW has done a total 180, the old W wouldnt like who she has become, she would be sickened. I dont know this new Version and I have no Intension of getting to know her which makes detachment easier in one way.
Then again, if a MLCer hasnt "changed" compared to pre BD then chances are that it isnt a MLC and they are just done.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online One day at a time

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #9 on: October 22, 2018, 02:16:20 AM »
Time will tell if this is the end of our stories with them or not.. In the meantime, all we can do is to live our lives and see where that takes us. We might get to a point where we don't really care if they want to come back or not. I still think that scenario is very sad but at the end of the day, that's what they decided to risk.

It is a very sad Scenario but i think that it depends how much the MLCer has changed compared to the Person they were pre BD. My ExW has done a total 180, the old W wouldnt like who she has become, she would be sickened. I dont know this new Version and I have no Intension of getting to know her which makes detachment easier in one way.
Then again, if a MLCer hasnt "changed" compared to pre BD then chances are that it isnt a MLC and they are just done.


Yes, I agree.. I think for me it's still sad because my H is low energy and his behavior hasn't been as radical as with other MLCers. I saw the change and I didn't like it.. I told him in more than one occasion I didn't know who he was anymore.. But then he settled into a very withdrawn state, so my compassion kicked in. I wouldn't take him back the way he is, I would have to see that he's prepared to do the work that he needs to do and own up to his issues.
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017
BD2 - 22nd March 2018
H left home 11th May 2018 (my decision) - Moved in with parents
EA with someone 12,000 kms away!!
Trying very hard to let go...

 

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