Author Topic: My Story Depression & MLC Pt3  (Read 3076 times)

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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My Story Depression & MLC Pt3
« on: October 21, 2018, 11:06:37 AM »
3rd thread

Brief summary  - 16 months post BD - wife has now moved out claiming she needs to work out wants she wants in life and to find her happiness.

Finding life very tough -  I miss my wife - She can't be replaced.

Detaching & GALing - Living like she is not coming back.

Very grateful for the posts and contributions of those who have gone before me on this very painful journey.

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10412.140
« Last Edit: October 21, 2018, 11:10:47 AM by MKnight10 »

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2018, 11:10:11 AM »
From previous thread:

Quote
What if I tell you that I felt NOTHING for my husband?
I wanted him to disappear
I wanted him to leave me alone
I wanted him to just go away and don't bother me
I didn't love him anymore and I was SURE i never will

Time.....

After 5 year
I'd give everything just for him to hold my hand
I'd give anything for him just to be with me
I'd give anything to get his attention

When the FOG was gone I knew he is the only one i want to spend my life with
Difficult to explain MLC, as you can't comprehend that sudden " unlove" , sudden personality change. There is no such thing as ILVYBIMNILWY nonsense.

Hi BB -Ive been reading some of your threads - thanks for your post. What made you so sure you were done with your husband and equally what then made you decide he was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

5 years is a long time to wait for something that may never happen.

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2018, 11:48:23 AM »
Following you along MK. Keep the chin up!
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline In the valley

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2018, 08:07:29 PM »
Following along.
M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2018, 11:45:01 PM »
From previous thread:

Quote
What if I tell you that I felt NOTHING for my husband?
I wanted him to disappear
I wanted him to leave me alone
I wanted him to just go away and don't bother me
I didn't love him anymore and I was SURE i never will

Time.....

After 5 year
I'd give everything just for him to hold my hand
I'd give anything for him just to be with me
I'd give anything to get his attention

When the FOG was gone I knew he is the only one i want to spend my life with
Difficult to explain MLC, as you can't comprehend that sudden " unlove" , sudden personality change. There is no such thing as ILVYBIMNILWY nonsense.

Hi BB -Ive been reading some of your threads - thanks for your post. What made you so sure you were done with your husband and equally what then made you decide he was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

5 years is a long time to wait for something that may never happen.
Please dont think that your W will have a similare awakening. Some threads give hope, too much hope even. It doesnt always take a turn for the better but when it does everybody thinks "great, theres proof so I will wait another 35years"...
You say that you are living as though she is never coming back. Thats what you have to do but dont lie to yourself, you have to live that way .

Hang in there fella, day by day.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2018, 12:37:19 AM »
Living like she is not coming back - What I mean is just getting on with my life - eating, working, sleeping and keeping up with my hobbies, interests and sporting activities I've always done. Keeping in touch with friends, family and being sociable.

I am out there doing things and trying to move forward. I'm not sat around at home, pining for her in a darkened room with the curtains drawn and lights off.

I am not out drinking my self stupid, or doing stupid things to attract attention; I'm leaving her alone and mirroring her level of contact.

Yes - I have a permanent air of sadness over me - I have a massive sense of loss. But as each day passes, my new normal feels more normal and I adjust to my new environment;

Mixed messages are tough. I think I read it was checking you are still where they left you. Not completely letting go on their part.

I believe I'm living like she is not coming back, although I would want her back - after a long conversation.
« Last Edit: October 22, 2018, 12:38:52 AM by MKnight10 »

Offline Whyus

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2018, 01:06:18 AM »
You seem to be doing everything right mate, good for you.
I personally would not think twice about taking my ExW back because she is gone. It would be a clear NO!
The woman that I married has left the planet, the Change is unbelievable. Both her Looks and personality have nothing to do with my "W" as i knew her.
IF she were to awake sometime AND transform back to the Woman she was AND I was "available" at that time then I would consider it, she really was near perfect imho. but there is no Point in waiting for such a Thing to happen. IF and WHEN it happens is the time to think about it, not a second earlier.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2018, 01:10:40 AM »
MK, you seem to be doing exactly what I'm doing.. And you are right, as each day passes, you get more used to being on your own. Not like you wouldn't like to have her back, I know I would like to have my H back, but day after day you will see life goes on and that you are still alive and you start to enjoy some of the things you are doing.. I think it's the best thing you can do, as hard at it is..

Time will tell if this is the end of our stories with them or not.. In the meantime, all we can do is to live our lives and see where that takes us. We might get to a point where we don't really care if they want to come back or not. I still think that scenario is very sad but at the end of the day, that's what they decided to risk.
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Whyus

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #8 on: October 22, 2018, 02:00:12 AM »
Time will tell if this is the end of our stories with them or not.. In the meantime, all we can do is to live our lives and see where that takes us. We might get to a point where we don't really care if they want to come back or not. I still think that scenario is very sad but at the end of the day, that's what they decided to risk.

It is a very sad Scenario but i think that it depends how much the MLCer has changed compared to the Person they were pre BD. My ExW has done a total 180, the old W wouldnt like who she has become, she would be sickened. I dont know this new Version and I have no Intension of getting to know her which makes detachment easier in one way.
Then again, if a MLCer hasnt "changed" compared to pre BD then chances are that it isnt a MLC and they are just done.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #9 on: October 22, 2018, 02:16:20 AM »
Time will tell if this is the end of our stories with them or not.. In the meantime, all we can do is to live our lives and see where that takes us. We might get to a point where we don't really care if they want to come back or not. I still think that scenario is very sad but at the end of the day, that's what they decided to risk.

It is a very sad Scenario but i think that it depends how much the MLCer has changed compared to the Person they were pre BD. My ExW has done a total 180, the old W wouldnt like who she has become, she would be sickened. I dont know this new Version and I have no Intension of getting to know her which makes detachment easier in one way.
Then again, if a MLCer hasnt "changed" compared to pre BD then chances are that it isnt a MLC and they are just done.


Yes, I agree.. I think for me it's still sad because my H is low energy and his behavior hasn't been as radical as with other MLCers. I saw the change and I didn't like it.. I told him in more than one occasion I didn't know who he was anymore.. But then he settled into a very withdrawn state, so my compassion kicked in. I wouldn't take him back the way he is, I would have to see that he's prepared to do the work that he needs to do and own up to his issues.
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #10 on: October 22, 2018, 02:24:43 AM »
Time will tell if this is the end of our stories with them or not.. In the meantime, all we can do is to live our lives and see where that takes us. We might get to a point where we don't really care if they want to come back or not. I still think that scenario is very sad but at the end of the day, that's what they decided to risk.

It is a very sad Scenario but i think that it depends how much the MLCer has changed compared to the Person they were pre BD. My ExW has done a total 180, the old W wouldnt like who she has become, she would be sickened. I dont know this new Version and I have no Intension of getting to know her which makes detachment easier in one way.
Then again, if a MLCer hasnt "changed" compared to pre BD then chances are that it isnt a MLC and they are just done.


Yes, I agree.. I think for me it's still sad because my H is low energy and his behavior hasn't been as radical as with other MLCers. I saw the change and I didn't like it.. I told him in more than one occasion I didn't know who he was anymore.. But then he settled into a very withdrawn state, so my compassion kicked in. I wouldn't take him back the way he is, I would have to see that he's prepared to do the work that he needs to do and own up to his issues.

Ah yes, the Low-Energy Wallower syndrome.... I have one of those too this time around but, at the end of the day, it was those exact "qualities" that took her into her MLC in the first place... stuffing things down instead of talking about them, refusing to see anyone else's viewpoint but her own (especially the LBS's), etc.

These last 2 sentences say it all.. If they are not willing to do the work needed, then taking them back is setting one's self up for a repeat performance.. and, quite frankly, why, int he name of all that is holy, would ANYONE want to "Play it Again, Sam?"
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #11 on: October 22, 2018, 04:34:35 AM »
Quote
I have one of those too this time around but, at the end of the day, it was those exact "qualities" that took her into her MLC in the first place... stuffing things down instead of talking about them, refusing to see anyone else's viewpoint but her own (especially the LBS's), etc.

Same here - suppressing emotions has probably caused all this - she has suppressed so much she feels nothing.

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #12 on: October 22, 2018, 06:02:48 AM »
Yes - I have a permanent air of sadness over me - I have a massive sense of loss. But as each day passes, my new normal feels more normal and I adjust to my new environment;

And if your journey is anything like mine, your new normal starts feeling better little by little causing the fact that you will see yourself questioning your will to have her back at all.
That may not happen and is a concious decision too (to stand or not) but it may happen as well, happened to me. Anyway what is inevitable is that you will begin to look your life from different angle after the worst pain lets go and give a little more space to your thoughts. I have to say that to me MLC has been but pain, also the eye opener I wouldn't probably ever had without it. May sound as cliché and not feel like it at all atm but I claim that saying that this may be the best opportunity to grow in your whole life, is true.

I hate MLC but I am thankful for it too.




"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Thunder

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #13 on: October 22, 2018, 06:10:50 AM »
"why, in the name of all that is holy, would ANYONE want to "Play it Again, Sam?"

Not me, that's why I will never marry a 3rd time.  ha ha  Twice was enough.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Whyus

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #14 on: October 22, 2018, 06:30:49 AM »
me neither, I dont see the Point in marriage anymore.
Its not like being married secures anything is it? Your Partner can still do what he/she wants with whoever he/she wants to if married or not. Vows dont seem to mean anything anymore as we all know, we learnt the hard way.
Its just my opinion at this Point in time and could well Change in a year or 2, who knows?
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #15 on: October 22, 2018, 07:16:21 AM »
Following along MK.  Hang in there man.

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #16 on: October 23, 2018, 04:32:23 AM »
"why, in the name of all that is holy, would ANYONE want to "Play it Again, Sam?"

Not me, that's why I will never marry a 3rd time.  ha ha  Twice was enough.

Yep for me as well. Twice was too much tbh.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline In the valley

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #17 on: October 23, 2018, 08:38:23 AM »
My marriage was very good, I thought anyway, up until it wasn't.  I feel like I would do it again with the right person.  Probably be sure to get a prenup though. Lol. 
M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

Online Treasur

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #18 on: October 23, 2018, 09:35:25 AM »
My marriage was lovely too...until it became a weird twilight zone of horror  :)
Maybe would have kept some things more financially separate....but definitely no 2nd marriage for me if only because it's the only sure way of not having a 2nd divorce  ::)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #19 on: October 23, 2018, 09:58:40 AM »
Whyus, you're way too young to feel like that.  You could still have man happy years with someone else.

Probably all you guys & Treasur could too.   :)

My 1st marriage lasted 18 not so happy years, 2nd one lasted more than 20 years (and those were very happy years).  So I've had good and bad, but no more go around for me.   8)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #20 on: October 23, 2018, 10:44:38 AM »
Love and friendship is one thing for me.
I enjoyed the love and intimacy we had, and it saddens me that it is lost, but I hope that there may be a different kind of relationship and love to come.
But marriage is a completely different kettle of fish for me now. And tbh, I married my h because of how I felt about him as an individual and I think like you Thunder that was more driven by him than me...we lived together for 6 years before and I was happy then too.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #21 on: October 23, 2018, 03:18:00 PM »
Quote
My marriage was very good, I thought anyway, up until it wasn't.

Same. Exactly the same. Two years ago, I was the best husband ever...plastered all over FB.

Feeling lonely tonight - kids not very well. Nobody to share the burden. Family home lots of work to keep tidy by myself.

Where is my wife? What is she doing? Is she ok? Is she missing me? What is she thinking? Is she happy now? Any regrets?

So many unanswered questions.

She doesnt want me in her life, so I have to stay out of it, which means minimal, limited, not initiated by me, contact, unless child related.

Keeping busy. Life goes on. Slowly learning to accept this life I never asked for.

Tough times.

Offline In the valley

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #22 on: October 23, 2018, 08:29:07 PM »
Mk, I know!  Facebook photos of the two of us and our family with many compliments up till almost the day mine file for D.  I went from husband to be proud of to controlling Ahole overnight.  I know its so tough.  Everything you experience you want to share with your former partner.  I was the same way.  Couldn't find pleasure in anything I did by myself.  Seemed completely overwhelmed by having responsibility for 100% of the household and my full-time job.  I had help from my parents and a friend at work.  Funny thing is if your spouse dies, you get time off work, people bring you meals and donate money.  When a spouse just leaves with no warning you have all the same responsibilities, bigger heartache I think( i can't say for sure), lawyer bills, and people tend to keep their distance. 

Try not to think about what she's thinking or doing.  Try to find something anything you can do to feel like you accomplished something.  Start small and soon the good feeling of doing something positive and productive will motivate you to do more.  If you can find some good friends or family to share your experiences with, that will reduce the urge to send to your W.  It seems horrible at first like you feel the bond you had breaking but after some time, its very welcome not to feel those urges.  I'm not that far along and still struggling with these things myself.   
M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #23 on: October 24, 2018, 05:46:36 AM »
Your questions sound very familiar MK. And as we don't have any answers, our mind (at least mine) tries to fill the holes, which creates assumptions and even expectations, which may not even be fully concious. That's why ItV:s advice trying to think of what she is doing and feeling as much as possible. Speaking about my own experience, thinking of what she is thinking or doing is the fastest way to let painful monkey braining to take over.

Stay strong mate.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online One day at a time

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #24 on: October 24, 2018, 10:29:58 AM »
Yep, I agree with Silver.. everytime I start asking myself those questions, I go into a downward spiral.. it's very normal but not at all helpful.. and the reality is that the answers don't matter, they decided NOT to be with us or part of our lives.. it sucks!

I know it's very hard but when those questions start coming to your head, try to stop yourself and find something to get busy with to distract you.. Something that gives you joy or like in the valley said, something that gives you a sense of accomplishment.. just to get you though that hour, that day..

It will get better my friend!
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #25 on: October 28, 2018, 10:52:46 AM »
Another kids activity and another social encounter with the wife. Unfortunately winter is on its way, it was cold, wet and windy; the conversation wasn't as free flowing as last time.

She was very emotionally cold and distant; I felt more than usual. Very disinterested in my presence; happier talking to other parents.

Over an hour and a half, I became somewhat overwhelmed with emotion, that my once loving and affectionate wife was behaving like I was invisible and didn't matter.

I let this affect me and I made an excuse and left as soon as I could.

I thought I was getting stronger this week, having kept so busy. I turned to emotional mush inside, the minute I saw her.

I can't even take seeing her anymore; all the hurt comes back, along with all the desire, the physical longing .....the family in one place.

I need to limit text conversation even further and stop all meetings until I'm stronger. Are these normal feelings? To want to not see her even though I want her back? I was also considering selling my house and just disappearing. She is clearly done with me and as much as I want to be around my kids, its just to painful for me now.

When does all the pain stop?

Offline Thunder

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #26 on: October 28, 2018, 11:43:13 AM »
MK,

It takes awhile, just keep trying different things.  For instance yes, cut out as much as you can with texting or contact.

Sit away from her when you are at games.  You aren't expected to sit by her.  Sit with some other folks.  Ignore her.  Not that you can't say hello if you run into her, but keep walking along to your own seat.

You might even make some new friends who will have things in common.
I would bet there is more than one single father at these games.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline CrackedGranite

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #27 on: October 28, 2018, 12:44:48 PM »
Mk,

You are getting stronger, don't doubt that!!  Maybe not as quickly as you'd like, but stronger all the same.

All those emotions are normal, at least for me, and I get the just wanting to disappear for awhile.

As always Thunder is spot on with "just keep trying different things".  I'd add, "especially those things that make YOU feel better".

Offline FromAbroad

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #28 on: October 29, 2018, 02:27:40 AM »
Really can relate to you MK.

I also am in the position where I rather just don't want to see her anymore. I still love her and would like to see the R restored. But atm I feel much better not seeing her than having to deal with the alternate version of my W. I also hated the indifference my W was showing a lot of times. Just the fact they treat you like you are nobody to them. Like they don't care at all. I hate Monster (which I get a lot), but at least monster shows there is still some feelings inside.

The wanting to disappear is also something that crosses my mind a lot. If it wasn't for the kids I would have been gone to and it would have been a full NC for me.

I hope that for the both of us it does get better soon. Today I have a really bad day myself where I just don't see the point of it all. Getting up and not having anyone to say good morning to. Not seeing your kids all day. Trying to GAL, but all it does atm is filling a void, it doesn't feel genuine. It's tough mate. But day by day, step by step we will get there.
M 39
W 37
D12 D5
15Y Marriage

08-2016/12-2016 OM1 EA with 21y old client (he turns her down)
10-2016 MiniBD - Wants to leave but changes her mind. I just saw it like she being angry and calming down again
08-2017 BD1 - ILYBINILWY speech, OM2 which she knew for 1 week and had seen for just 1 hour
11-2017 - Moved back in
05-2018 BD2 - Seeing OM2 again.
06-2018 - I leave the house
08-2018 - OM2 out of the picture
08-2018/11-2018 - Goes on 8 Tinder dates sleeps with one. (OM3)
12-2018 - Wants to reconnect.
xmas 2018 - BD3 says she can't do it and confesses to OM4

No D up untill now, but soon will be I guess.
Still standing

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #29 on: October 29, 2018, 04:20:57 AM »
Yep, what you feel is very normal MK. Seeing her hurts so much bc she is not the same person she once was. They are going trough change, that's what it is all about in the end. What is more important imo is how you feel without her. If you can focus anything else, feel you are stronger even occasionally, trusting that you will survive and after that, even live a good life regardless of her choices, then you know you are progressing. I was really in pain seeing my xW after it came imminent she actually will leave me. Every time she was absent I felt better, stronger, and her move out was a really important turning point to me. To me the most difficult thing in addition to trying accept that OM is part of my children's other family now, was letting go desire to change everything back how it was before MLC. I can't, you can't, none of us can. Anything may still happen but what once was is no more and that's it. Sorry my friend but that's the truth. It takes time to leave denial of that.

I was told that 'the day she BD:d me was the day our relationship as it was, was over'.
I really didn't want to hear that and denied that for months. But I know now it is the truth.

Stay strong mate.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Thunder

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #30 on: October 29, 2018, 04:35:23 AM »
We were all in denial.  We all thought our spouses would be different, but they weren't.

Silver you are so right.  It takes a long time to realize the marriage is over, as it was.  Sadly you can never go back.  If you get back together in the future it will be a different type relationship.
Once you gain that Acceptance it gets easier.  You will let go of the old marriage, whether you divorce or not.  They blew that marriage up.

Now that's not to say the relationship you may have with them, in the future, can not be better.  Sometimes it is.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #31 on: October 29, 2018, 04:36:50 AM »
We were all in denial.  We all thought our spouses would be different, but they weren't.

Silver you are so right.  It takes a long time to realize the marriage is over, as it was.  Sadly you can never go back.  If you get back together in the future it will be a different type relationship.
Once you gain that Acceptance it gets easier.  You will let go of the old marriage, whether you divorce or not.  They blew that marriage up.

Now that's not to say the relationship you may have with them, in the future, can not be better.  Sometimes it is.

Amen
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online One day at a time

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #32 on: October 29, 2018, 05:01:57 AM »
As many people have said already here, all very normal. I feel a lot stronger when I don't see H but I still miss him on a daily basis.. I just try to focus on something else so I don't get low emotionally.. When I see him, I realize I still have expectations. I'm hoping for a miracle which will never come or at least not for a long time.

I have become very good at hiding my pain from people in RL because they simply don't get it. I come here and sometimes get emotional as I type (like now) but I see it as part of the process, just releasing the pain little by little with this wonderful community that virtually holds my hand. You need to allow yourself time to grieve, she was a very important part of your life so it will take time.

I also had the same thought about just disappearing.. I have no kids and no family in this country so the urge to simply run away from it all was very strong (sometimes still is) but the reality is that this is what our spouses are doing. "Trying" to run away from their pain and we all know that will not fix their problems so I know it will not work for me either.

What keeps me going right now is the little things in life and the constant message we all get here that things will get better for us over time. Some days are better than others but overall I can see I have made progress since this crazy roller coaster started. You will get there on your own time, just be patient with yourself..

This too shall pass.
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #33 on: October 29, 2018, 10:23:52 AM »
I just want my wife back and the pain to stop, but I know neither is going to happen, anytime soon or if ever. I don't see me 'getting over' this but merely learning to live with the pain.

I have to let go but I don't know how.

It doesn't help seeing her but we have kids and its unavoidable.

Moving away isn't necessarily the answer as thoughts and feelings travel with you, as I've already discovered.

I've been reading about depression, bereavement and the effects of suppressing emotions and its affect on relationships. Very interesting. The suppression can only be done for so long before it boils over and demands to be dealt with.

External solutions to internal problems.

Giving it time. Hurts like hell.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #34 on: October 29, 2018, 10:41:59 AM »
No you won't, and I hate that term..."getting over" this.

You don't have to get over anything right now.  You'll do that when you're ready and not before.

I'm really sorry MK, I know it hurts like h!ll.   :-\
I wish I had the magic words to help you feel better, but I don't. 

{{Big Hug}}
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #35 on: October 29, 2018, 10:54:21 AM »
Quote
No you won't, and I hate that term..."getting over" this.

Yep - I hate it too.

Thanks for your posts Thunder - I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #36 on: October 29, 2018, 04:46:31 PM »
Funny thing is if your spouse dies, you get time off work, people bring you meals and donate money.  When a spouse just leaves with no warning you have all the same responsibilities, bigger heartache I think( i can't say for sure), lawyer bills, and people tend to keep their distance.

A wise poster here drew the perfect analogy: It's like having a missing child, instead of a murdered one.

SPOT. ON......
« Last Edit: October 29, 2018, 04:47:33 PM by megogirl »

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #37 on: October 30, 2018, 04:46:09 AM »
Letting go doesn't happen soon, it is one of the hardest thing to do ever.
Time will work for you, that is a fact though it hurts so bad now.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #38 on: November 09, 2018, 04:40:18 PM »
Haven't posted for a few days.

Life continues without my wife. Contact is minimal and centred around the kids. She never asks how I am or what I'm doing. She shows no ounce of regret and appears not to care. She has deleted me and our 25yr history with great ease. I miss her so much.

For me its tough going. I can't change anything; I didn't ask for this life.

Friends and family say close the chapter and move on. But nobody can tell me how you do that. People say well its just time. But what about time?

Will time erase those feelings? Will time make me forget about her? Will spending time on my own doing things for me, ease the pain? Will her spending time alone, make her miss me or confirm her feelings no longer exist?

I love and adore my wife. I always have. BD was sat in a pub while she told me she had changed and no longer wanted to be in a relationship. I didn't really understand what she was telling me.

I feel this has been brought on my bereavement and depression. Moving on and closing the chapter makes me feel like I'm letting her down.

Do I just try and accept its really over. How do I do this? How do I stop getting filled with emotion when I see her?

So many questions. Nobody can answer them.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #39 on: November 09, 2018, 04:58:10 PM »
Friends and family say close the chapter and move on. But nobody can tell me how you do that. People say well its just time.

It's super-nice for "friends and family" to offer their advice on "what's time" to quit YOUR relationship.  Newsflash: "friends and family" DON'T GET IT.  Here, we do.

The choice to Stand is yours, and yours alone.  It takes patience and tenacity - perhaps more than I even have - Idk.  I'm two years in, still plugging and will continue - for our FAMILY.

I figure that it's not only what I want - it's what I promised God and ultimately, what He wants for US.
 
« Last Edit: November 09, 2018, 05:00:04 PM by megogirl »

Online xyzcf

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #40 on: November 09, 2018, 05:33:31 PM »
Quote
Friends and family say close the chapter and move on
.

What does that mean exactly? Your memories from 25 years are not going to disappear because you ask them to. Your emotions and feelings for her are not going to be turned off because you want to close the chapter..heck...you didn't even know that there would be a chapter to close.

Your dreams about life, growing older together, having freedom from the responsibilities of children and work, perhaps traveling and taking care of one another as you age...this is what was real for you.

Moving on....suggests moving on to another relationship and some are able to do that...but not all for a variety of reasons.

Missing her is quite normal, you care about her....I always felt that just because he left me did not mean at all that I stopped loving him...the man I knew for 35 years..not this version.

I read this this week and since I have been in therapy 9 years after BD for over a year now, being treated for PTSD, I really related to what she was saying.

Trauma permanently changes us.

This is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as “getting over it.” The five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake. There is no “back to the old me.” You are different now, full stop.

This is not a wholly negative thing. Healing from trauma can also mean finding new strength and joy. The goal of healing is not a papering-over of changes in an effort to preserve or present things as normal. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life — warts, wisdom, and all — with courage.

Catherine Woodiwess


We have been hurt deeply and our lives have been demolished unexpectedly, suddenly and without any explanation or reason..indeed...the whole thing seems absurd..and yet it happened. As time goes by, perhaps we start to think of them less, to accept more the reality of where our lives have taken us.....the length of time for this to happen varies considerably but humans are amazingly resilient and adapt over time.....

You have been wounded...allow the time it takes for the healing to occur.
« Last Edit: November 09, 2018, 05:34:37 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #41 on: November 09, 2018, 05:47:32 PM »
This is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as “getting over it.” The five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake.

One wise soul here likened an MLC spouse to a missing child, vs. a murdered one.

I agree with the above statement in regard to a murdered child.  I don't agree with it in regard to a "missing" one.

Because "missing" = unfinished business = NEVER, EVER "normal."
« Last Edit: November 09, 2018, 05:52:03 PM by megogirl »

Offline Acorn

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #42 on: November 09, 2018, 06:44:38 PM »
Dear MK, I know of the visceral pain that emanates from your words.  I think we all do...  ((((((HUGS))))))

TIME. Yes, it is frustrating when people mention that 4-letter word.  ‘But what about time?’ question is an important one.  I, too, wondered about this inflexible factor.  There were lots of things one could accomplish in life, but speeding up or slowing down time isn’t one of them.  You can’t go back in time and redo parts of your life either.  With all its inflexibility, it does have one redeeming feature.  Healing.  Be patient and let it heal you. 

What is true for me is that time did not lessen or erase my love for H.  Time allowed me wrap it up and put it in the deep recesses of my heart until such a time that we are ready to wear our love on our sleeves again.  It is still under the wrap...  If such opportunity does not eventuate, my love is still protected.  It shall not be tarnished by the passage of time or the lack of returned favour.  It is unconditional.

Spending time doing your own thing will not take your pain away but enables you to put it at the back of your mind for a while. It also turns your attention away from the ticking clock and tricks your sense of time.  After all, isn’t the speed of time in our perception of it?  When enough time has passed, the wounds will begin to heal.  It may heal very slowly, it may not heal completely and may throb on rainy days.

As for what time will do to your W, even she doesn’t know.  It is fruitless endeavour to seek a window into the future, especially that of another human being.  It’s best to spend your mental energy in figuring out what you must do in the immediate future.  Mundane things are easy to predict and to accomplish.  One foot ahead of the other, focus on the welfare of the children, take care of your health, etc. 

Moving on and closing the chapter?  By all means.  The old marriage is no more.  One must close that chapter and move on to the next.  The next chapter is about finding your emotional equilibrium and finding ways to alter the perception of the passage of time by seeking worthwhile endeavours to improve or maintain your physical and emotional health.  You may need some help in the form of a counselor, a family doctor or patient friends. 

I’m not sure how this kind of positve turning of the page and opening the next chapter would be regarded as letting her down.  If anything, it might be beneficial for her to see you getting on with your life.  We often set the tone. 

The raw pain you feel when you see her will ease in time.  I didn’t think my heart would ever be in one piece again.  It was smashed to smithereens and hurting so badly that I could not have cared if I lived or died.  And yet, there I was, after a long time had passed, grinning like an idiot at a double rainbow...

As for the future of your M, no one knows.  There is nothing to accept or not accept things that have not happened yet.  It is early days yet.  Just put one foot ahead of the other and life will get better.  I promise.  I’ve been there.


« Last Edit: November 09, 2018, 06:45:50 PM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #43 on: November 10, 2018, 12:50:57 AM »
I think not wanting to see her despite wanting her back is a healthy sign.  I think it shows that your psyche understands what damages you and doesn’t want to expose you to pain so that you can get better and stronger.  To keep exposing oneself to hurt is a masochistic tendency and your mind is telling you that isn’t helpful for you.

When I reached this point it coincided with far greater strength, even though it felt kind of fearful.


Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #44 on: November 10, 2018, 03:45:52 PM »
xyzcf, acorn - your words provide great comfort. Thanks....

Quote
I’m not sure how this kind of positve turning of the page and opening the next chapter would be regarded as letting her down.  If anything, it might be beneficial for her to see you getting on with your life.  We often set the tone.

Because, I regard the act of 'moving on' as leaving her to live her own life of misery and depression. I know she is not happy, but she was convinced leaving me was going to be the answer to finding her happiness. I do worry about her; how she is getting on, coping etc....I know I can't control or fix anything, apart from me.

BD and her behaviour since is totally out of character and not the woman I know. I may be finding excuses for her, but I know this is not my wife. I still see beyond the behaviour and know there is a decent person inside.

I don't initiate contact, unless its child related. This for me is essential; giving her the space she has requested.

I've observed since she left that she vocally professes her love to the kids, more than she ever used to. Maybe nothing, but interesting all the same.

Quote
I think not wanting to see her despite wanting her back is a healthy sign

Thanks. I'm not interested in being 'friends'. Seeing her just hurts even more, because I don't see my wife, I see someone who looks like my wife but is emotionally unavailable and doesn't respond like my wife did. Therefore, best avoided.

I'm ticking items off the bucket list very soon. Concentrating on me, distraction, enjoyment, activities that make me happy.....moving forward. Slowly.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #45 on: November 10, 2018, 03:54:34 PM »
I've observed since she left that she vocally professes her love to the kids, more than she ever used to. Maybe nothing, but interesting all the same.

Probably out of GUILT.

She knows she's a train wreck - and *should* be home, attending to them - and yet, she doesn't feel capable of doing so.

I will never, ever understand this $h!te.

Online OffRoad

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #46 on: November 10, 2018, 05:35:23 PM »
There is "moving on" and "moving forward " and they have different connotations. Moving on is like moving on to other things. Moving forward is just you continuing on your life.  You can move forward, take care of yourself, do the things you want and need and enjoy, but that doesn't mean that you've left your MLCer.  You've left room for her to come and catch up. It's really just semantics. But closing that chapter and moving forward can work for you because you haven't reached the end of the book yet. Consider MLC another chapter or two interspersed with other chapters of your life. You get to write the interspersed ones.

And yes, it's hard to see the person with your spouses face, but your spouse isn't in there. I simply cannot talk to mine, and it's been over three years. It's like some horrible horror movie. I don't even know who that guy is, and any kind of contact still upsets me. My H died, but his body is still here. And that is the tell. Normal people do get upset when a marriage doesn't work out. That your wife does not seem to care shows how broken she really is.

Find people to do things with, do things with your kids. Give your life some variety. Drive off road  ;D. Well, only if you want to, but it saved some of my sanity. It does get better, it doesn't go away, and that's not a bad thing. If we learn from this experience and heal ourselves (with or without counseling), it becomes part of who we are. We choose if we want it to be for good or ill.

You can do this.

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #47 on: November 10, 2018, 05:41:21 PM »
Normal people do get upset when a marriage doesn't work out. That your wife does not seem to care shows how broken she really is.

WOWWW!! YES.  Never thought of it that way....the total indifference speaks volumes.....

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #48 on: November 14, 2018, 04:35:41 PM »
The MLCer says they are ok, but really when you look at them, you know they are not.

I would also say that even though she popped around with the kids, to say she was just tired, didn't ring true. I could tell, from knowing her all my adult life, that there was something else that was amiss, and I'm more than 100% sure, it wasn't because she had to see me.

I really feel for her; what a lost, broken soul she is and she just cant see it. External solutions, to internal problems.

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #49 on: November 26, 2018, 03:50:52 PM »
W has been gone nearly two months. Very little contact from her now. Minor exchanges re kids;

Is that it now? The MLC has hit, she has moved out and will file for divorce when our laws allow her to. Maybe.....

I don't see her, I have little contact. She never asks about how I am. What do I do now? My marriage and relationship is dead. Gone. Dissolved in front of my very eyes for which I had no control over.

Very sad. Missed more than I can put into words.


Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #50 on: November 27, 2018, 04:17:02 AM »
MK,

OldPilot's (who was my mentor too) words to me at some point in my worst days of "feeling lost" were something like this:

Either she finds you one day or she doesn't. Until that it is best for you to live as if she isn't coming back.

Not his exact words but the point is clear.

There is really not much you can do about it my friend but to survive and when you have, go on with your life. The game isn't necessarily over but you can't play it atm anyway. You have to decide how much power you give her from now on. Not saying you should not be grieving, you have to or you would be denying the whole sh*t happened and that is not good, not anymore imo.
Probably the worst stage of your life this far but this too shall pass, another sentence that just is a fact, meaning the worst pain will go away and you will adapt and that's what you have to trust on.





"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #51 on: November 27, 2018, 04:45:38 AM »
MK, i agree with everything that Silver has writen.
YOU HAVE TO LIVE AS THOUGH SHE WILL NEVER COME BACK because the painful truth is that she probably wont. I dont mean to rob you off all hope but its just a simple fact which you have to accept and work through.
I am coming upto the 2 year mark, ive been Divorced for 3 months, I filed. It was the best Thing that I have done since BD, for my XW too probably because only God can know when and if she would have filed.

Please stop Feeling sorry for her being depressed etc. I am just saying this because I used to be the same until I thought "firetruck it, why should I feel sorry for her? What about me? Does she feel sorry for me? (of Course she doesnt). She Chose to do the Things that she has done and has checked out for a better life. She probably hasnt forund in and never will but THAT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE!
She is a big grl and can take care of herself (She will probably tell you this). OK, then let her be a Girl. Dont even Pop the Popcorn and watch the Show, just look away (I still have a Problem with this but its getting better).

Dont let her drive you crazy, just do your Thing but do it for you.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #52 on: November 27, 2018, 05:36:43 AM »
McKnight,

NONE of us can read the future. We have NO idea WHAT will happen to us or our Mid-Lifer. That is why the advice to "Live like they are not coming back" is important....

Living like they are not coming back means making the best possible life for you and your kids, period. It has NOTHING to do with your Mid-Lifer as she has chosen at this time to NOT be a part of the lives of you or your kids.In the event they don't come back, then you are already leading a life that is fulfilling and happy. If they DO come back, then you have the opportunity to decide if the version that returns is someone that you want to have  in your life and the lives of your kids.

Quote from: McKnight10
I really feel for her; what a lost, broken soul she is and she just cant see it.

True, they can't see it because they are so far into it that they can't see the big picture. they are focused on one thing and one thing only and that is getting their next shot of "happy," regardless of how. They can only see their self-created reality which includes blaming us for the ills of their lives and their world. Yes, we can have compassion for them, we can feel sorry for them but it is NOT our job to fix them and our compassion and sympathy needs to be tempered by the need to preserve our own emotional equilibrium. The entire codependence thing is that we adjust our moods, our emotional state to fit with theirs...

In other words, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy." but that no longer applies.  They have to do their own work and until they do, there is nothing that we can do so we need to therefore regain control of ourselves, deal with our own issues, and ensure that WE are happy and secure in our own lives, REGARDLESS of what the Mid-Lifer is doing/feeling.... The only one we have control over is ourselves....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #53 on: November 27, 2018, 02:25:21 PM »
Immsorry for your sadness. It is certainly the most painful experience I’ve ever had.  At the stage you are st Incoukdnt conceive of any other kind of life and I was Finding it difficult.  There was no way I was capable of ‘living as if’. I just couldn’t accept it and I didn’t believe it when people said I’d get better slowly.  I felt I would be the one who never recovered.

But they were right.  It takes a lot of time, but slowly we move toward health and wholeness.  I don’t think it can be rushed but it can probably be nurtured.  Unbelievable as it feels and although we are forever changed in some ways, contentment does come.  I hope it comes soon for you.


Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #54 on: November 27, 2018, 02:40:23 PM »
Thanks for all your words of support and encouragement.

I believe its such an unnecessary breakup and find life so hard without her.

I gain pleasure from friends, hobbies and interests;

there is simply nothing I can do anymore but live my own life and try to accept she is gone.


Offline Whyus

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #55 on: November 27, 2018, 10:36:49 PM »
I believe its such an unnecessary breakup and find life so hard without her.
I guess we all fell the same about this or we wouldnt be her would we? Our break ups were not normal, that is not how grown ups treat theyre loved ones. You cant Change who you are overnight.
I gain pleasure from friends, hobbies and interests;
Good man
there is simply nothing I can do anymore but live my own life and try to accept she is gone.
You got it mate
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Evermore

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #56 on: November 28, 2018, 03:57:22 PM »
Hi MK

I have recently seen your PM and will respond soon. Sorry, I've just been reading old threads rather than new ones (and not even writing in my own) trying to find comfort. This is because I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I am at the exact same place. The advice below is what I need to know. Because at the moment I feel like I'll never be happy again.

Immsorry for your sadness. It is certainly the most painful experience I’ve ever had.  At the stage you are st Incoukdnt conceive of any other kind of life and I was Finding it difficult.  There was no way I was capable of ‘living as if’. I just couldn’t accept it and I didn’t believe it when people said I’d get better slowly.  I felt I would be the one who never recovered.

But they were right.  It takes a lot of time, but slowly we move toward health and wholeness.  I don’t think it can be rushed but it can probably be nurtured.  Unbelievable as it feels and although we are forever changed in some ways, contentment does come.  I hope it comes soon for you.
« Last Edit: November 28, 2018, 03:59:10 PM by Evermore »
M: 48
H: 51
Married 19yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #57 on: November 28, 2018, 10:50:05 PM »
Hi MK

I have recently seen your PM and will respond soon. Sorry, I've just been reading old threads rather than new ones (and not even writing in my own) trying to find comfort. This is because I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I am at the exact same place. The advice below is what I need to know. Because at the moment I feel like I'll never be happy again.

Immsorry for your sadness. It is certainly the most painful experience I’ve ever had.  At the stage you are st Incoukdnt conceive of any other kind of life and I was Finding it difficult.  There was no way I was capable of ‘living as if’. I just couldn’t accept it and I didn’t believe it when people said I’d get better slowly.  I felt I would be the one who never recovered.

But they were right.  It takes a lot of time, but slowly we move toward health and wholeness.  I don’t think it can be rushed but it can probably be nurtured.  Unbelievable as it feels and although we are forever changed in some ways, contentment does come.  I hope it comes soon for you.

Good post, I totally agree.

I believe (and experienced it trough 2 divorces) that in every person there are all the healing mechanisms we need to first survive, then live as whole and happy again. What once is bleeding wound will inevitably become a scar one day. Pain will be never forgotten and should not, because it is part of what this life is all about! No one ever promised us that life would be easy and if it was we wouldn't have such a great moments here as well. So I believe healing is just what WILL happen, takes time which none of us can make run faster but every day in a process we all are in have it's meaning for the result. But to be in crisis, it is difficult or impossible to see, that's just how it is. That's why people that are telling day after day that you or whoever in crisis will be just fine are gold. There are days you would like to tell them to f**k off but they're important anyway.

To me the key for getting trough in every crisis in my life has been facing them, and that's what we all do here! Running away is the ONLY way to stop healing process and I believe that none of us are doing it, it is something that MLCers do. Trough the fire, not away from it, was one of my "power sentences" when my 1st D happened and I have followed the rule, at least tried to.

So MK and everyone else, you will be fine, believe it or not, I don't see a single moment of pain in vain.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #58 on: December 05, 2018, 04:11:49 PM »
My wife moved out 2.5 months ago; I now see the relationship was dead at BD; the day she said she had changed and no longer wanted a relationship. It took her 18months to go. There was nothing I could do; I watched my marriage slide down the drain and I probably helped her do it by resisting and trying to fix her. I fuelled her negative perception of me by doing all the wrong things and for that I blame myself.

So I live my life. I go to work, I come home, I spend time with my kids. I've been on vacation, climbed mountains, swam in the oceans and met some great people. I have more travelling planned and learning to enjoy my own company.

I've taken up new hobbies and played new sports. Learning how to ski; learning how to play golf. I'm spending time with friends and learning to live alone for the first time in 25yrs. I now enjoy the sound of an empty house as much as one full of kids.  I attend regular counselling and it helps.

and now, despite everything I do to gain pleasure and enjoyment, to stay connected to life, to stay engaged with my friends and to hold my head up high and realise my worth, I still fall down.

The bad days far outweigh the days I feel normal. I wonder if I will ever feel normal again. I question why I'm not good enough; I question if our marriage was ever real. I question if there is something wrong with me. I question if I will be ever able to trust another woman again.

I constantly think about my wife, constantly worry if she is ok; I miss her greatly. I torture myself with thoughts of her moving on and being with someone else, especially  now the Christmas party season is here; my thoughts, emotions and feelings are consumed with grief and I find there is no way out and I don't know how to move forward.

The pain isn't easing; I endure every minute of every day, going through the motions to keep my head held high and my chin up; I take the great words of wisdom and advice from forum members who have gone before me, but nothing eases the pain.

I turn into a mush of emotion after brief meetings with my wife and then the cycle starts again.

Offline Evermore

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #59 on: December 05, 2018, 05:06:11 PM »
My wife moved out 2.5 months ago; I now see the relationship was dead at BD; the day she said she had changed and no longer wanted a relationship. It took her 18months to go. There was nothing I could do; I watched my marriage slide down the drain and I probably helped her do it by resisting and trying to fix her. I fuelled her negative perception of me by doing all the wrong things and for that I blame myself.

So I live my life. I go to work, I come home, I spend time with my kids. I've been on vacation, climbed mountains, swam in the oceans and met some great people. I have more travelling planned and learning to enjoy my own company.

I've taken up new hobbies and played new sports. Learning how to ski; learning how to play golf. I'm spending time with friends and learning to live alone for the first time in 25yrs. I now enjoy the sound of an empty house as much as one full of kids.  I attend regular counselling and it helps.

and now, despite everything I do to gain pleasure and enjoyment, to stay connected to life, to stay engaged with my friends and to hold my head up high and realise my worth, I still fall down.

The bad days far outweigh the days I feel normal. I wonder if I will ever feel normal again. I question why I'm not good enough; I question if our marriage was ever real. I question if there is something wrong with me. I question if I will be ever able to trust another woman again.

I constantly think about my wife, constantly worry if she is ok; I miss her greatly. I torture myself with thoughts of her moving on and being with someone else, especially  now the Christmas party season is here; my thoughts, emotions and feelings are consumed with grief and I find there is no way out and I don't know how to move forward.

The pain isn't easing; I endure every minute of every day, going through the motions to keep my head held high and my chin up; I take the great words of wisdom and advice from forum members who have gone before me, but nothing eases the pain.

I turn into a mush of emotion after brief meetings with my wife and then the cycle starts again.

I'm in exactly the same position. So very hard at the moment.
M: 48
H: 51
Married 19yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #60 on: December 05, 2018, 05:21:58 PM »
The pain isn't easing; I endure every minute of every day, going through the motions to keep my head held high and my chin up; I take the great words of wisdom and advice from forum members who have gone before me, but nothing eases the pain.

I hope you take comfort knowing that we're ALLLL in the same, crappy boat!

Well....I do, anyway.  It was like an atom went off when I found this site, and the brilliant writings of RCR.  Whoa....this is CRAZY!  I didn't dream the past 17 years, nor my marriage....what has happened to me directly matches hundreds of others, too!

There are a few on this site that I think will prosper....gut instinct....and like my own situation, I'm hardly Nostradamus but it's just what I think :)
« Last Edit: December 05, 2018, 05:31:37 PM by megogirl »

Offline Acorn

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #61 on: December 05, 2018, 05:40:50 PM »
Quote
The pain isn't easing; I endure every minute of every day, going through the motions to keep my head held high and my chin up; I take the great words of wisdom and advice from forum members who have gone before me, but nothing eases the pain

First of all, I would like to say, ‘I understand’.  I have been there.  I didn’t think it was ever possible for the excruciating pain in my heart to calm down.  But it did... 

MK, you have made some important points.

1. You are ‘going through the motions to keep my head held high and my chin up’.

That’s the definition of Fake till you Make it.  It gives you a sense of achievement, a purpose and, frankly, it’s necessary for living.

2.  You are taking the words and advice from the experienced seriously.

That’s very important attitude and their words are the proverbial guiding light, and a mirror, too.  Keep listening to the vets.  They are very caring and put a lot of effort into helping others. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #62 on: December 06, 2018, 02:09:54 AM »
MK, I would echo everything Acorn says.
It is a tsunami. It breaks apart so many more things than just our marriage and leaves us beached and gasping.
Most of us as LBS go through our own stages I think. From flat on our face to stumbling while we 'fake it' to baby steps of faith that if we keep going it will get better but secretly fearing we will never find that elusive normal again. And all while dealing with aftershock waves and rubble and doubt and MLC hand grenades and rollercoasters.
Actually as I write that, gosh, no wonder it takes a long time to get up on our metaphorical feet again. It does take a tremdous amount of faith - whatever that means to you - to keep stepping forward when we're not at all sure where the steps are taking us and each step also often means letting go of things we want to hold on to.

But you are not alone.
And HS will keep reminding you that this happened to you but not because of you even though it is real and you have to find your own way through it.
And that you are no less capable or worthy of following the stumbling footsteps of others here who have walked in your shoes.

I don't know if you are a person of faith. Or if you know that anecdote about someone asking God why, in their darkest moments, there was only one set of footprints in the sand...and God says yup, that was when I was carrying you bc you couldn't walk any longer. I have had plenty of moments when that felt real to me, when I just had nothing left in me...and I think HS is a place where we take it in turns to carry each other for a little while just like that.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #63 on: December 06, 2018, 02:54:43 PM »
Kind, comforting words, thank you.

I'm not a great believer, but I've heard the anecdote before, yes. I feel like someone is carrying me; I'm not sure who. Minutes roll into hours, hours into days. Days into weeks etc.

I'm looking forward to going out running tomorrow and then a few drinks with friends.

Baby steps forward.

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #64 on: December 19, 2018, 01:05:50 AM »
How are you MK?

I'm not a great believer, but I've heard the anecdote before, yes. I feel like someone is carrying me; I'm not sure who. Minutes roll into hours, hours into days. Days into weeks etc.

Yep, happened to me as well. To me he was (is) God. My healing process started after I had prayed for help, it was actually at very beginning when XW was still in denial/anger and I was really scared and anxious about what is happening to my life. Without my faith (I can't say I was or am "a good Christian" but I am defenitely a believer) and feel that I am carried I couldn't have admitted how near breakdown and depression I was myself. As I did, I seeked for help, many kind of help and started to do things for ME and to become something BETTER. It was amazing, I got rid of fear of being abandoned little by little (my demon number one since childhood) and many other good things. Didn't make MLC any easier but made me much stronger to be in it.

But that much of me, how are YOU mate?
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #65 on: December 28, 2018, 04:36:40 PM »
Hi Sllver - I sent you a PM.

Life goes on I guess - doesnt get any easier.

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #66 on: January 29, 2019, 04:42:43 PM »
Minor update - living my life....eat, work, sleep and carrying on.....I miss my wife very much. Sad times.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #67 on: January 29, 2019, 04:51:37 PM »
Hi, MK!

Just remember that the minutes turn into hours - the hours turn into days - the days turn into months - and months turn into YEARS.  Then, you will reflect and say, "Wow!  I've come this far - maybe I can actually see this through!"

Well, that's been my experience, anyway.  I'm at 28 months, and ticking.

I think we both can do it.....

Online xyzcf

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #68 on: January 29, 2019, 04:52:23 PM »
Glad you dropped by.

I sometimes wonder, this may be the only place where people understand that we miss our spouses even though they have done some terrible things...for others who have never been through this, they "think" that they would shut the door so fast that their spouse wouldn't know what happened.

There is no timetable for grief....everyone is different in their responses.

What are you doing with your time? I found doing volunteer work helped as did regular exercise.

Day by day, sometimes breath by breath and one day you will realize that at least for a little bit, you feel better...and then the little bit gets longer.

Take care!
« Last Edit: January 29, 2019, 05:02:34 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #69 on: January 29, 2019, 05:01:24 PM »
Day by day, sometimes breath by breath and one day you will realize that at least for a little bit, you feel better...and then the little bit gets longer.

I completely agree, but believe the very reason we "feel better" is because we know we are THAT much closer toward the end.  Obviously the timing of "the end" varies, but it means your efforts have survived another month.

Well, that's why *I* feel better, anyway.......

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #70 on: January 29, 2019, 11:05:28 PM »
Hi MK, nice to see you updating.
Sad times indeed my friend, but as xy and mego said, time is the healer. It is just so very hard to put any value in that fact when in deep crisis, but still it will happen.
To me it was (still is too) important to notice that grieving wasn't continuous, or better to say it was but didn't dominate my life all the time equally much. We have stages too as do MLCers,  You have probably read this many times already but I'm putting it here anyway:

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8078.0

The point to me was to understand and NOTICE in me, that there is a lot happening inside my heart and mind, phases, stages (sometimes overlapping), things that proved that my heart and mind are doing their jobs, working hard to reach the acceptance one day (I am very near at it now I think). The hardest part is that I nor anyone can make it happen any faster than it happens.

Try to remember this, you are in process too, this is not a static state you are in. You have all the mechanisms in you to heal. What you need is (I am sorry to say again) TIME.










"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #71 on: January 31, 2019, 01:11:43 AM »
Thanks for your posts -

Ive been doing a fair bit of travelling, learning new skills, meeting new people, visiting family and friends I haven't seen for a while.

Ive been doing a lot of reading. Depression Fallout really resonated with me. Its the book that has answered all my questions and has made me a lot stronger. Everything it describes about confusion, bewilderment, irritability, anger and the need to escape just hits the mark like nothing else has. Its exactly how I've felt. I firmly believe, more than ever, and as a result of my reading, that none of this is my fault and my emotional reaction to it has being nothing but normal. It goes into incredible detail and it all relates to my own experience. Its undoubtedly depression, but even if it isnt, the way I have felt and feel now is described perfectly. My desire to escape the unhappiness is the highest its ever been and explains my desire to travel.

My wife's behaviour is strange.....I will go weeks without hearing anything from her; She is not interested in me; there are pleasant text messages around kids stuff; I heard nothing around the xmas holidays, but then I will get a random text asking for a spare lightbulb. If we see each other at kids activities, we chat like we used to as a married couple; but then she just gets in her car and drives away like nothing ever happened.

Any effort to reconnect and reconcile has to come from her. I'm just leaving it be. I'm fighting for my marriage by doing nothing. I'm just carrying on with living without her in the belief she is not coming back; I've no interest in anyone else, no interest in dating, no interest in relationships. I'm content being by myself. Am I happy? No, not really. I never wanted this life.
« Last Edit: January 31, 2019, 01:18:15 AM by MKnight10 »

Online RedStar

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #72 on: January 31, 2019, 07:28:36 AM »
I'm content being by myself. Am I happy? No, not really. I never wanted this life.

You sound good though, MK, and like you're doing everything right.

When some idiot asked me a few months ago if I was "happy" now--this was less than 6 months after xH had moved out--I said no!, and the look on the guy's face was as if to say I was failing at my duty to be a plucky little chickadee. I added, "Of course I'm not HAPPY. But I'm positive." And as far as I'm concerned, at this point, we're lucky if we can even be that!

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #73 on: January 31, 2019, 07:39:29 AM »
Sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're doing things right. A big loss demands big grief - No way around it but through it.

Here's a something that has helped me. I recently started keeping a gratitude journal. Just a few bullet points every night about things I'm thankful for. Last night I wrote that I was thankful for a warm house, a kind word from a friend and my dog. It took a while for me to notice a difference, but I do think it helps me to see some good things that I didn't before. Just an idea - Feel free to take it or leave it if you like. Take care.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #74 on: January 31, 2019, 04:42:11 PM »
Hi PJ

When I get down I think of the things I'm grateful for....and there is a long list. It sometimes doesnt take away the feelings of grief and loss though.

Redstar - I try to be as positive as I can be; I remind myself there is nothing I can do about any of it. BD was when she announced her feelings had changed; she wanted to leave then, it just took her 18months of creating a negative environment in which she could then justify it. Sad times.
« Last Edit: January 31, 2019, 04:45:17 PM by MKnight10 »

Online RedStar

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #75 on: January 31, 2019, 07:51:15 PM »
it just took her 18months of creating a negative environment in which she could then justify it.

This is exactly how I think of it.

I realized that, no matter my true imperfections, I was NOT the witch he made me out to be. He turned me into her himself by being a recalcitrant little twat so he could reduce his guilt for running off with the ugly, broken rescue tramp. (She can't help being ugly. I know. Oh well.)

Anyone who DARES tell me I'm half responsible for his bull$h!te fakely "unhappy" marriage gets a piece of my mind. He broke it. Period.

:D
« Last Edit: January 31, 2019, 07:52:52 PM by RedStar »

Offline Evermore

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #76 on: January 31, 2019, 08:08:53 PM »
Minor update - living my life....eat, work, sleep and carrying on.....I miss my wife very much. Sad times.

Replace 'wife' with 'husband' and this is my update as well.
M: 48
H: 51
Married 19yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.

Offline Evermore

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #77 on: January 31, 2019, 08:11:55 PM »
I'm content being by myself. Am I happy? No, not really. I never wanted this life.

You sound good though, MK, and like you're doing everything right.

When some idiot asked me a few months ago if I was "happy" now--this was less than 6 months after xH had moved out--I said no!, and the look on the guy's face was as if to say I was failing at my duty to be a plucky little chickadee. I added, "Of course I'm not HAPPY. But I'm positive." And as far as I'm concerned, at this point, we're lucky if we can even be that!

Yes! This has been surprising for me as well. So many people surprised that I'm not 'better' yet. So weird. How do people expect you to get over 20+ years in only a few months?

I will agree though, you do sound good MK.
M: 48
H: 51
Married 19yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.

Offline Evermore

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #78 on: January 31, 2019, 08:14:21 PM »
My wife's behaviour is strange.....I will go weeks without hearing anything from her; She is not interested in me; there are pleasant text messages around kids stuff; I heard nothing around the xmas holidays, but then I will get a random text asking for a spare lightbulb. If we see each other at kids activities, we chat like we used to as a married couple; but then she just gets in her car and drives away like nothing ever happened.

Any effort to reconnect and reconcile has to come from her. I'm just leaving it be. I'm fighting for my marriage by doing nothing. I'm just carrying on with living without her in the belief she is not coming back; I've no interest in anyone else, no interest in dating, no interest in relationships. I'm content being by myself. Am I happy? No, not really. I never wanted this life.

I could also have said all this as my update as well MK. :(
M: 48
H: 51
Married 19yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #79 on: January 31, 2019, 11:25:27 PM »
Always amazed at the stark similarities, the world over.

Redstar - its good to let the anger out, safely and legally, of course, but try not to let it consume you. Do things for you. You can only control yourself, nobody else. Channel the anger into something positive.

I feel like I'm returning to the person I used to be, before all this started. The sad thing is that she is not going to see the best version of me; I'm also starting to realise the things I wouldn't be doing if all this hadn't happened; I think that means I'm turning an uncontrollable life event into something positive for me.

I miss my wife dearly, the version I married of course.....I was asked if I will ever 'get over it.' The answer is simply no.....I'm just learning to live with it. I cant turn my feelings off after 25yrs.

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #80 on: January 31, 2019, 11:41:25 PM »
That's exactly how it seems to work, but it is logical in a way isn't it? Since there is no REAL reason to be unhappy bc of spouse (I don't mean there wouldn't be any flaws in us but speaking about real reason to leave LBS), MLC spouses just have to make situation intolerable for LBS and get their justification from that. Very rare feeling, normal person can tolerate MLC behaviour without reacting. My XW did it very skilful and got me look like I was a control freak and bad husband who tied her up and she just HAD TO DIVORCE as she didn't have any other choices.
The truth is quite opposite. She even told me after divorce that this divorce was "in vain but couldn't be avoided".  :o 

Thinking about myself, as a man and a husband who really loved his wife and was always faitful to her etc... I couldn't have reacted any other way seeing my wife having relationship with another man or continuously seeking for a R with someone else than me. I was suddenly a plan B for her, even as her husband. How twisted is that??

Keep your heads up people, these versions of them are not ones we fell in love with. Options are to wait the next version of them to come back or walk on.
No reason to waste one's own life bc of them in either case.

 
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #81 on: January 31, 2019, 11:49:05 PM »
Good update MK.
you probably will never truely "get over it", neither will I or anybody else on this Forum. We learn to "live with it" and carry on as best we can.
We have to turn this into something positive for us, if not then they win. We are too good to be victims to These MLC Creatures. firetruck them so  long they are in coocooland, they dont deserve us. They obviously dont Need us or they wouldnt be treating us as they do would they?
My XW is just the same, has no interest in my life whatsoever but when we do talk its normally OK once we get past the awkward first 5minutes.

Have a nice Weekend.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline serenity

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #82 on: January 31, 2019, 11:53:15 PM »
I’m over 7 1/2 years and have never got over it. I still have a big ball of pain inside me. Like others have said, I’ve learnt to live with it and accept it as best I can. We were soulmates and best friends so I don’t know how they think they’ll find better. My H never has!

None of us deserve this - we were loving and good partners

X

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #83 on: February 06, 2019, 01:47:29 PM »
A few days ago on Facebook the guy my wife had an affair with at work, popped up as somebody I might know, one mutual friend. I immediately deleted it, without much thought.

Today, I have found that my wife has deleted me and all our mutual family friends, off Facebook and added the guy she had an affair with as one of her friends.

I’m not a great Facebook fan. However, this really hurts. She has basically deleted me from her life and now social media, including all photos of us on family holidays, in favour of being a friend with this guy on fb. If I'm totally honest I wouldn't be surprised if she is carrying on where she left off. Its hard not to tell myself that, when I add in other variables....

I might be jumping to conclusions, but it hurts so much and I don't know what I've done to be treated so badly. Does 25yrs together mean so little?

I'm starting to believe she is not worth it anymore.

My response is not to question. My response is just silence. I can't control it.

How can somebody who was once so loving, affectionate and devoted to her family, turn into someone so self destructive?

She is destroying everything that was once so important to her.

I am learning to live with the loss, the grief, the hurt and the devastation. One day at a time.
« Last Edit: February 06, 2019, 01:57:40 PM by MKnight10 »

Offline Evermore

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #84 on: February 06, 2019, 02:02:05 PM »
I feel your pain MK and once again our stories are following the same path. My H removed reference to us being married on FB the other day. Such a small thing but so much hurt associated with these further signs of them turning away from us. I'm so sorry. Like you I'm taking it one day at a time. We can do it together. The support here has been life saving.
M: 48
H: 51
Married 19yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #85 on: February 06, 2019, 02:07:58 PM »
Thanks Evermore - I cant see a way back if she is involved with someone else. I know I'm only telling myself that at the moment but like you say, she has turned away from me and towards someone else, so its her choice and I've no control over it.

Offline Evermore

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #86 on: February 06, 2019, 02:17:49 PM »
Nope. No control. And that is the panic-making part. You want SO SO badly for this not to be happening (it all still feels surreal)... but there is NOTHING you can do about it.
M: 48
H: 51
Married 19yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #87 on: February 06, 2019, 02:21:52 PM »
Quote
but there is NOTHING you can do about it.

which is why I haven't bothered texting her to ask why she has deleted me......there is simply nothing I can do about it.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #88 on: February 06, 2019, 03:17:01 PM »
MK, if it makes you feel any better I was deleted a long time ago, when H filed for D.  Now, it's all stupid legal semantics.....my L instructed me to do the same thing :)   

Per RCR: "Standing may be the hardest thing you ever do."  That sentence has always resonated with me, because she hardly promised a Rose Garden.  But, she encourages us to Stand anyway.  She is hopeful that failed marriages due to MLC can change, if more people take a Stand.

Kudos to her wealth of knowledge, because I decided long ago this was something I had to do.  She inspired me, and (admittedly) I'm not inspired by much.  I just knew it would be a long, bumpy road....but would all be worth it in the end.

I hope you find the strength to carry on, because I believe it will be worth it for you, too.   
« Last Edit: February 06, 2019, 03:18:41 PM by megogirl »

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #89 on: February 06, 2019, 03:26:43 PM »
Thanks Megogirl....its the fact that I was replaced with someone else that hurts so much.

Quote
I hope you find the strength to carry on, because I believe it will be worth it for you, too.

I don't know how I could have anything physical with her again.....

Is there point in standing when there is little doubt the marriage is over and I'm treated with such contempt and disrespect.

I'm grieving the loss for the time being....

Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #90 on: February 06, 2019, 03:46:21 PM »
I don't know how I could have anything physical with her again.....

I HEAR you on this, mk.  Because when I even think of H's genitals, I am nauseated.  He is now used and dirty - like a diaper.

My hope and belief is that, ultimately, counseling will do the trick.  It will be a living Hell, but hopefully, a huge part of my "all worth it" mindset.   Perhaps it won't work.  But I'm in Hell now anyway, so I figure it couldn't be any worse?!?

There is a reason so few MLC marriages survive- exactly what you've mentioned.  I am just determined to not be one of those statistics, for S15, for better or for worse, come Hell or high water.  But, that's just me.

And this is the most stubborn I've ever been, about anything......
« Last Edit: February 06, 2019, 04:35:23 PM by megogirl »

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #91 on: February 06, 2019, 04:08:15 PM »
Hi MG - I admire your resolve. Are there any signs of reconnection for you? Is there a realistic prospect of him turning back towards you?

I do love my wife and wish to reconnect but she has simply turned the other way; the more I show affection, care and sympathy, the more I'm just hurting myself as I get no acknowledgment or reciprocation.

I just continue to live like she is not coming back and at the moment she is still running in the opposite direction.

Heart broken.....

Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #92 on: February 06, 2019, 04:19:52 PM »
Well, I have no concrete evidence of H returning, other than our history together, vows, S15, and my sporadic visits from the "Prisoner" personality, who was totally desperate and begging me to "please start over!"

Combined with the (brilliant) words of RCR, that was good enough for me.  Again, I'm a pretty "uninspired" person - but RCR is my one exception.  This woman busted her ass to assemble all of her knowledge on this subject.  So, I figure the least I can do is to heed it, and "pass her words" along (i.e., my friend from college just got the Bomb Drop!)

And I hope H & I will eventually be a success story, and RCR can forever be my testament to "Standing."
« Last Edit: February 06, 2019, 05:34:06 PM by megogirl »

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #93 on: February 07, 2019, 06:11:07 AM »
MK, once again, OldPilot's words (not exact words but the point) : she either finds you or she don't, you can't do much or anything about it so you have to focus doing things for you.

That's why this is the wisest thing you can do for yourself:
I just continue to live like she is not coming back and at the moment she is still running in the opposite direction.

Stay strong mate.

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #94 on: February 07, 2019, 04:12:51 PM »
Thanks Silver - all the reminders help - so devastated.....

Online xyzcf

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #95 on: February 07, 2019, 05:36:56 PM »
I was surprised, surprised that this could hurt so bad and for so long.

And then I read other people's stories and it was a relief to understand that the pain is "normal" for this loss.

For me, the fact that he continues to live his life and doesn't want me or our family makes no sense..other than the fact that he continues to be in crisis.

I just wanted to acknowledge and I know you have heard this and know this....there will be times when things feel better...moments at first...things that you find smiling about, feelings and people you meet who will tweak your interest, something new on TV that will interest you......I still stand for our marriage so I don't mean replacing him with someone else, but somehow we must find things that bring us joy again.

I hope those moments are starting to come...and I hope that those moments will become longer and longer.
« Last Edit: February 07, 2019, 05:38:25 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #96 on: February 08, 2019, 03:55:13 AM »
I do love my wife and wish to reconnect but she has simply turned the other way; the more I show affection, care and sympathy, the more I'm just hurting myself as I get no acknowledgement or reciprocation.

I have to ask you a couple of very difficult questions/make a  hard observation based on what you wrote above (especially the bold  part).....

You are still showing affection, care, and sympathy..... which the Mid-Lifer interprets as pressure and manipulative tactics...

Why CHOOSE to cause self-inflicted pain? I don't get it!  If it hurts when you stick a fork in your nose, then STOP STICKING THE FORK IN YOUR NOSE!

The second part is that you obviously still have expectations that your Mid-Lifer is going to reciprocate when you show affection, care, and sympathy.....

WRONG ANSWER!  Expectations will ensure that you have your a$$ handed to you on a silver platter.... EVERY SINGLE TIME! Expect NOTHING from them because they are NOT capable of delivering and, even if they were, they wouldn't because, until they get their heads out of their ..... fog..... They aren't interested in reciprocating. They consider us the enemy and the more we try, the faster they run.....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #97 on: February 08, 2019, 04:26:25 AM »

The second part is that you obviously still have expectations that your Mid-Lifer is going to reciprocate when you show affection, care, and sympathy.....

WRONG ANSWER!  Expectations will ensure that you have your a$$ handed to you on a silver platter.... EVERY SINGLE TIME! Expect NOTHING from them because they are NOT capable of delivering and, even if they were, they wouldn't because, until they get their heads out of their ..... fog..... They aren't interested in reciprocating. They consider us the enemy and the more we try, the faster they run.....

This has been one of the most difficult things to me. Took me a long time to understand that it really does NOT matter how good or nice or whatever I was. It didn't (doesn't) have any effect on her and I get nothing back. She is sometimes nice to me, when in right point in her cycle, but there is no any logic in it and it never is consequence of my actions.
They have their very own logic, which means they have no logic.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Acorn

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #98 on: February 08, 2019, 05:04:35 AM »
MK, I’m sorry you are going through a tough time that is not of your own making.  I’m quite confident that everyone of us can understand.  ((((((HUGS)))))))))) 

You can’t do a thing about MLCer but you can do something about how you respond to all the fallouts of MLC.  TIME is of the essence and LBS needs to make use of it.  The first is to let go of you adding more pain to yourself.  You are hurt enough by MLCer, you don’t have to add to it.   Just a couple of things to step away from that.  It is about  ‘showing affection, care and sympathy’.

I share the following because they worked for me.

- Treat MLCer as if she were a checkout clerk.  Polite, friendly, very few words with a smile.  Be kind in a distracted kind of way and not overtly so - just as you would a stranger.  Affection?  Heck, no.  Sympathy expressed aloud?  No.   I would recommend unspoken understanding of her confusion which will primarily affect your mindset.  It will give you a measure of peace. 

- Drop any fantasy, if you have it (I did...)  that there will be a ‘happily ever after’.  Never mind about the future, live well today, and live for you and your kids.   Besides, a fantasy keeps you stuck and prevents you from growing, healing and living well.  Even with live-in MLCer who didn’t want to leave me, it was important that I didn’t build a sandcastle that would wash away with the next wave.  It was pointless for me to entertain the fantasy that he will emotionally return to me.  I had no control over that.  I could only control me and no one else. 

We can be a tough lot...  I was at the receiving end of tough love, too.  That was the best way to startle me awake, though very uncomfortable at first.  I hope you take my words as intended - tough love.

Wishing you peace...

« Last Edit: February 08, 2019, 05:10:30 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #99 on: February 08, 2019, 05:17:49 AM »
We all have huge and hard-won compassion and understanding for how very hard this is, my friend.

Looking back in my own situation, I see two things clearly now.
The first is that NOTHING I did or said or did not do or say made ANY difference to/with my spouse at all. None. Normal human rules did not apply, let alone normal relationship rules.
The second is that I was deeply depressed and traumatised which severely limited my capacity to deal with my  situation as well as I would have wished. I wish I had someone say to me that I needed to regain my strength and emotional health first before doing or thinking about anything else. That is was the absolute priority and I needed to work at it like an obsessive worker bee. That anything that did not contribute to that end was not important for a while. (I have got there now but it took me a long time and made it much harder on me, so it would be lovely if you can benefit from my mistakes!)

I think you sound as if you are understandably depressed.
Ignore your w's doings...she is surely not concerned or showing you any sympathy right now...take that concern and care to use for you.
What do you think you need to do to get stronger and mentally healthier right now? What are you doing and what progress do you think you are making?
« Last Edit: February 08, 2019, 05:19:20 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #100 on: February 08, 2019, 05:24:27 AM »
MK.  Listening and putting into action all of the advice of those who have gone before you is so important in your own journey.  You sound like you belong to the “fixers”  club.  There are many of us on here.  It’s taken me a long time to revoke my membership. 

I tried so hard to love this MLC away at the beginning.  All that it got me was a huge cake eating H who completely used me for comfort when he needed me.  All at the same time turning to the OW to fulfill his fantasy life.  The lesson here is they really don’t care and will use whoever, whenever they are available. 

You sound like you have a huge heart.  Find somewhere else to use it for awhile. Take care of yourself and start looking around you to see the many blessings you have without your spouse.  Turn your heart away from her, wrap it up and protect it from any further damage.  You will be glad you did down the road.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Online One day at a time

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #101 on: February 08, 2019, 05:55:06 AM »
Hi MK, I'm not as far as others who have given you advice but I actually agree with all of it.. One of the best things I did was to stop seeing my H as my H. That person is gone, at least for now. There's "someone" or "something" in H's body but it's not the person I married. My love, compassion, etc are not wanted by him, he made that clear when we walked away so what's the point of continuing to show something he clearly rejected?

The way I was able to justify to myself is that right now, he does not want me in his life. Trying to change his view, is not respecting his wishes. So all I can do is to help him see a life without me in it, I stepped to the side, I let him go.. It's also good for my self respect and self esteem. It was not easy and I still have some of the fantasies Acorn talks about but I continue to live my life. I'm trying to heal and find the happiness within me.. To be honest, I think I'm happier than my H, I have a lot to be thankful for and I focus on that rather than in what I lost.

The more you allow yourself to get hurt, the more you will have to get over if re-connection and reconciliation are to happen in the future. It's damage limitation. Just let her go and try to live your life.. I know these are hard messages to take in but we are all trying to help you..

HUGS!!!
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Acorn

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #102 on: February 08, 2019, 06:06:15 AM »
Well said, Ond day.

Quote
  My love, compassion, etc are not wanted by him, he made that clear when we walked away so what's the point of continuing to show something he clearly rejected? 

Yes, hold onto your love but wrap it up and put it in the storage...
Yes, have compassion but do not speak of it.  It will nevertheless radiate from within you.  No one can miss it.  I see it as the proverbial lighthouse.  A lighthouse shines steadfastly, whether sailors see it or not.  It’s their job to lift their head and search for it.  You don’t go and search for them. 

It is also good for you to have compassion rather than resentment and, God forbid, hatred.  It gives you peace. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #103 on: February 08, 2019, 06:29:04 AM »
Thanks for all the 2x4s and advice. It is appreciated.

Quote
You are still showing affection, care, and sympathy..... which the Mid-Lifer interprets as pressure and manipulative tactics...

To qualify what I meant.....when she asks for something, I go out of my way to give it....light bulbs, money, child care arrangements.

She has health issues - when I see her, I ask her how she is? I ask if there is anything I can do for her....to ease her pain, to support etc...

Sympathy - I offer it. I can see her pain - She doesn't look well.

I have no expectations. I don't expect anything in return and I don't get anything in return apart from a polite thank you.

I am definitely considered the enemy. Thats her demeanour - Its me that is the cause of her unhappiness.

UM - Do I need to stop all this? What do you suggest? When she asks if I have any tools, light bulbs, etc. Do I just say no sorry I can't help you.
When I see her, do I not ask her how she is and how her injuries/illnesses are?

I'm not trying to be manipulative, I'm just being me, the caring, loving husband I was/am....She has voted with her feet, should I ignore requests etc...Its cake eating on her part....how do you think I should handle it.

Acorn - I do have a fantasy she will come to her senses and stop all this crazy behaviour -It isn't the person I know - Im slowly realising its not going to happen - she continues to run in the opposite direction. Removing me from FB and adding OM is the most recent example. Whilst I'm not into social media in a huge way, that really hurt.

Treasur - you are right - nothing I say or do has any effect - she is in her own troubled little world - when I see her, she looks tired, troubled, dazed, confused and not the loving, bubbly affectionate alive person I used to know. Taken over by alien life form is very true.

To get stronger - keep up my interests and hobbies - take care of the kids, avoid contact of any form with her. Delete FB, stay off other social media. Do things for me; see friends, family - be with people who want to be with me - counselling - which I find really helpful - plan things to do with days off. - It all helps.

93 - I am trying to hand back my membership of the fixers club. I cant fix this. I tried and failed. I learnt the hard way. I realise now there is nothing I can do about this. She either keeps running away or comes back. I have no control over any of it. My red lines are there and she knows what they are.

I have tried to love my way out of it, but she didn't want to hear it and it had no effect.

Quote
Turn your heart away from her, wrap it up and protect it from any further damage.  You will be glad you did down the road.

Thanks...

Quote
My love, compassion, etc are not wanted by him, he made that clear when we walked away so what's the point of continuing to show something he clearly rejected?

I agree - but how do you switch it off after 20+ years....I cant find the switch !!

Thanks once again for all your kind messages -- any other advice, 2x4s always welcome....

Offline Acorn

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #104 on: February 08, 2019, 06:52:14 AM »
Good to read all you have written, MK.

Quote
I do have a fantasy she will come to her senses and stop all this crazy behaviour

I think it is more realistic than a fantasy.  According to many vets, most MLCers do make their way out of the tunnel, even if some take a lot longer than others. 

A fantasy is that we will reconcile at the end of it all.  It is a fantasy because it is not backed up by an overflowing amount of evidence.  An anecdotal here and there does not make any difference to anyone’s probability of having a reconciled marriage.  Hence, the attitude of living today as well as possible and not banking on some will-o’-the-wisp of reconciliation is sensible and empowering.  In other words, one is not relying on MLCer’s changes for the better but rely on our own hard-earned changes. 

You understand what a LBS needs to do.  It is so hard to actually do them.  I get it fully.  It takes a lot of time and deliberate actions to get there.  One proactive step at a time, MK. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Thunder

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #105 on: February 08, 2019, 07:04:50 AM »
MK, I'm sorry you are still hurting.

I think One Day said something very important.  This is no longer your loving W, she is gone.  This person in front of you is an alien stranger who could care less about you.

What UM said is so right, the nicer you are to her the meaner she will get, because she doesn't want you right now, I'm sorry, she wants you go leave her alone.

Of course if she asks for a tool or something you can give it to her, as long as you are not asking to help her fix something with it.    Let her do it on her own, this is what she wanted.

I know it sounds backwards but by asking her how she feels and is there anything you can do for her is not making her feel loved, it is making her feel suffocated.  Just leave her be, that's what she needs right now.  For you to back off.

I know all this is hard, but remember you can't "nice" her back.

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #106 on: February 08, 2019, 07:06:34 AM »
Quote from: McKnight10
UM - Do I need to stop all this? What do you suggest? When she asks if I have any tools, light bulbs, etc. Do I just say no sorry I can't help you.

If she asks to borrow a tool and you have it, fine. I did that too... until I stopped getting them back. Then I replaced what she took and that was the end of it. If she asked again,I woudl just say that she already had the one I gave her last time..... You specifically mention light bulbs... Uhmmmmmm ... a light bulb can be purchased at any local hardware store or grocery market. She is fully capable of living in her own place so she is fully capable of buying her own freaking light bulbs....

My STBX has one of the lamps frrm our old house where 2 of the 4 light bulbs are now no longer working in her apartment. I have noticed it but I have NO intention of calling her attention to it nor will I fix it. She wanted to live on her own. figuring out what light bulbs are needed and how to replace them is part of that process.... A simple "Sorry, I don't have any more of those, I gave you my last one." would suffice.

Quote from: McKnight10
When I see her, do I not ask her how she is and how her injuries/illnesses are?

Would you ask this of your local store clerk? The guy at the gas station? Would it be more than "Hey, how are ya?""Oh I'm good" Chit Chat? That is the level you need to be dealing with her at...

Quote from: McKnight10
I'm not trying to be manipulative, I'm just being me, the caring, loving husband I was/am....She has voted with her feet, should I ignore requests etc...Its cake eating on her part....how do you think I should handle it.

This is the hard part that you need to come to terms with... In her mind, you are NOT caring & loving. You are a manipulative jerk who is standing between her and her happiness, you are a reminder of all the crap she has pulled and the crushing load of guilt that is piling up. You are NOT her husband in her mind, you are her jailer, her tormentor, her arch-enemy.

However, she is MORE than willing to take advantage of your compassion and take you for everything you've got if you allow it.

I can't tell you how to handle it as I am not in your place, in your shoes, in your life. I can only tell you how I handled it in my situation and that is that I put a stop to it. I treat STBX with respect and am cordial but I am in control of my interactions with her. She wants to bring the kids to me in a 3 hour time span? Uh, no, I have plans, I have a life to live. I will come and get them between time <x> and <y> (15 minutes) if that is a good time. Otherwise, we find a time span where it is OK.  Same thing when she wants to get them from my apartment. I give her times when it suits me and if she plays around to control me by giving a long window where I have to sit around and wait, no, I'll drop them off at such and such a time.

You only have control of yourself and your own life, your own emotions. TAKE BACK that control that you have ceded to her at some point. She is NOT going to like that much but, too bad. Those are the consequences.

Like you said, she has voted with her feet so QUIT CHASING AFTER HER! 

She's cake eating (as you noted) but more importantly for her, she knows that you are stuck right where she left you, sitting on the porch in your little stasis box, frozen in time , crocheting lace doilies and waiting for her to return.....

Quote from: McKnight10
I have no expectations. I don't expect anything in return and I don't get anything in return apart from a polite thank you.

Sorry - I call BS on this one.... If this were true, that there were no expectations, you would not have written
Quote from: McKnight10
I do love my wife and wish to reconnect but she has simply turned the other way; the more I show affection, care and sympathy, the more I'm just hurting myself as I get no acknowledgement or reciprocation.

You only get hurt is you are not getting what you expect, which is more than a polite "thank you"obviously.

Look, I am not trying to be a Richard Cranium here and I understand that you are just past the starting line in all this horse hockey. I also know that I did refuse to do jobs for my STBXW like hang lights in her new apartment. I mean, seriously, WTF is that? She wants to prove she can do it alone but then asks me? Like you said, she voted with her feet and one of the consequences thereof is that things that I used to do are no longer done by me. The things that she used to do, I have taken over for my kids and myself and am perfectly capable. Yeah, it is sometimes draining and it wears me out and that is also a consequence of her actions but I am in a MUCH better position than she is... She has lived in her flat now for almost 3 years and STILL has bare light bulbs in the kids rooms because she never was able to hang the lamps. She got help with a few others but that turned out to be a bad idea as the guy she asked to help was much more interested in grabbing her a$$ while she was on the ladder with a hammer drill than in actually helping.... (I got to hear all about it but just looked at her and said that I was sorry to hear things didn't go like she had hoped but I did NOT volunteer to do the work).

And you know how much difference it made in her MLC? NOT ONE IOTA..... She still filed for her D, is still dragging her feet (3 years later), is still playing the same "Oh, I'm such a poor little sick girl. Pity me" game just like when we were married... The difference? I'm NOT playing my part... Instead, I give her sympathy and tell her I am sorry she is feeling bad but that is it. She wants to do it alone, then she can do it alone.  I've offered things for the kids (pick something up that they need, taken S for his haircut or to the dentist, things like that) which she has accepted so at least I know they are more or less covered but that is a different story....

She is 100% responsible for herself now... I didn't break her and I sure as Hades can't fix her....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #107 on: February 08, 2019, 07:24:50 AM »
Yep!

MK, like I said you need to learn to do things backwards now.  Everything has changed because she changed everything.

You can't treat her like your wife anymore, because she is no longer that person.

This to me was the hardest part.  Seeing my H look like the same person, but inside he wasn't.
I kept expecting him to act like my H, but he couldn't.

When I saw depression in him I hurt inside for him but didn't lift a finger to help him.
They have to help themselves or they will never come out of their crisis.  Helping them only delays their progress.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online One day at a time

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #108 on: February 08, 2019, 08:56:41 AM »

Quote
My love, compassion, etc are not wanted by him, he made that clear when we walked away so what's the point of continuing to show something he clearly rejected?

I agree - but how do you switch it off after 20+ years....I cant find the switch !!
You don't necessarily have to switch it off - Just not show it to her. I still have a lot of love and compassion for my H but I exercise it from a distance. As Acorn said, the proverbial lighthouse..

Before H had knee surgery, I was worried and when I saw him in pain, I felt for him.. But I didn't show it. He kept going on and on about it, I listened and I wished him luck with the surgery.. that was it, I would do that with a colleague in work or a neighbor.  How long was the surgery? What was the recovery time? Could I do anything to help? etc etc... were all questions I would have asked my H.. But he fired me as a wife therefore it was no longer my concern.. Don't get me wrong, I was dying to ask! But I didn't because that's what he chose when he left me.. For me it was a massive adjustment.. I'm Ms fix it and a control freak.. But I had to learn to change my behavior.. It takes time and a lot of practice..

I think we are all saying the same thing. The first thing is to acknowledge your wife is no longer your wife. She unilaterally decided she no longer wanted to have you as her H.. Fair? Hell, no!! And it hurts so deeply... but it doesn't change the facts. UM and Thunder made very good points, the more you show love, the more she will feel suffocated and the further she will want to run from you.
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #109 on: February 08, 2019, 03:45:15 PM »
Quote
I think we are all saying the same thing. The first thing is to acknowledge your wife is no longer your wife.

Thats the hardest thing to accept.

Quote
She unilaterally decided she no longer wanted to have you as her H.

Totally and completely agree - from day one I had no say in her decision.

Quote
UM and Thunder made very good points, the more you show love, the more she will feel suffocated and the further she will want to run from you

Time to disappear into the wilderness, leave her be, rebuild my life for myself, look after my kids and completely forget about her.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #110 on: February 08, 2019, 04:27:50 PM »
For now MK, this is the best decision you can make.

Your life needs to be only about you and your kids if you're going to survive this.
You will see this in time.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #111 on: February 11, 2019, 07:43:13 AM »
Quote
UM and Thunder made very good points, the more you show love, the more she will feel suffocated and the further she will want to run from you

Time to disappear into the wilderness, leave her be, rebuild my life for myself, look after my kids and completely forget about her.

True that... It sucks great big wooly ones to have to do that but there is NOTHING more that you can do for her and noting better than you can do for yourself than to get your own emotions under YOUR control rather than continuing to ride HER ROllercoaster at her command....

For now MK, this is the best decision you can make.

Your life needs to be only about you and your kids if you're going to survive this.
You will see this in time.

WORD!
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #112 on: February 11, 2019, 03:09:46 PM »
Thanks UM - Onwards....Lots to keep me busy, but its not easy.

MK

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #113 on: February 16, 2019, 03:17:52 PM »
We all talk about GAL - getting a life, keeping busy, living like they are not coming back, carrying on, staying engaged with life, with your kids; doing things for you......taking up new hobbies, pursuing new interests......

.......but what happens when you stop?

What do you do when the kids are in bed, the lights are down low, the film has finished, your on your own, the house is shut down and the quietness hits your ears?

The sense of loss feels so real and somewhat overwhelming.

So I take myself off to bed and climb into a super king size bed, designed for two......the sense of loss remains and memories of what was never go away.

I try to remain upbeat and positive. I remind myself of the things I have to be grateful for and that one person should not determine my thoughts, feelings and emotions;

The theory is great; its putting it in practise thats the difficult bit. Approaching 2yrs since BD and it doesn't get any easier.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #114 on: February 16, 2019, 03:38:45 PM »
MK,

For solace, I actually read, and re-read, everything on here! 

And if you're pushing 2 years, remember that you've already made a significant dent.  Per RCR: "Most get through the tunnel within a few years."

That timeframe has never left my brain.  It did take Chuck 3.5 years to return, so I've sort of made that timeframe my gospel.  I can't throw in the towel before that, because RCR never did.   

Keep the faith!!  xxx

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #115 on: February 16, 2019, 04:14:33 PM »
Quote
The theory is great; its putting it in practise thats the difficult bit. Approaching 2yrs since BD and it doesn't get any easier.


Eventually something shifts. As you read the other posters here, unfortunately you will realize that it takes longer than 2 years to live again, without the constant drain and sadness.

Evenings and weekends are more difficult. I have a "routine" that keeps me calmer and most of the time ok. At night, I watch TV and often fall asleep on the couch..not the best thing to do....

I have joined some groups and try and make plans with other people...I try every day to go somewhere, the gym, a book club, golf, church...just being around other people helps.

I envy my married friends who go out as couples, as we once did.....sometimes I am included in couple's activities but it is rare.

This is perhaps the most difficult, being alone...some people say they are ok with it..I never have been.

I really want to give you some hope...it will not always be so painful but it is ok to recognize that after a marriage of so many years, it is really normal to feel the way we do.

I had lunch yesterday with some friends and one friend reminded me that there are married people who would switch places with me...true, there are people who are in difficult marriages for years ...I don't know what that would be like.

It is good that you are able to recognize and articulate how you are feeling. If you are able to meet up with any other LBSers who might live close by, they can help in getting together and not feeling so lonely.


« Last Edit: February 16, 2019, 04:15:43 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #116 on: February 16, 2019, 05:46:59 PM »
Quote
.......but what happens when you stop?

What do you do when the kids are in bed, the lights are down low, the film has finished, your on your own, the house is shut down and the quietness hits your ears?

I know my situation is different, but this is the hardest part for me too. I can usually make it through the day OK, but something happens to me when I try to sleep. Sometimes I wake up at three a.m. angry, feeling cheated on, and wanting to throw things. I've woken up with anxiety attacks and run out on my front porch half dressed in the dead of winter. And going to sleep is almost impossible. I sit in a chair in the living room, read until I can barely keep my eyes open, write in my gratitude journal, take ten deep breaths and try to think about nothing. I only go to bed when I am almost completely asleep. Even then I sometimes toss and turn for hours.

If you figure out a magic trick to make the pain go away, please share it with the rest of us. But other than that, I think xyzcf is right - it will eventually get a little better, but the way you feel is completely normal. Sorry you're going through this.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #117 on: February 17, 2019, 03:15:00 PM »
Comforting words...thanks guys....

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #118 on: February 17, 2019, 03:32:54 PM »
Yes, completely normal. I exercised myself to exhaustion and still slept in 3 hour spurts waking with anxiety and walking it off by pacing in circles in the living room. I also lost 1/3 of my hair and watched hours and hours of "just for laughs" British practical jokes show and Cesar Milan dog whisperer shows on youtube.

I truly didn't even feel like a human being.

It does get better and you won't always feel this way and live this way.
« Last Edit: February 17, 2019, 03:34:47 PM by Reinventing »

Online Treasur

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #119 on: February 17, 2019, 09:09:13 PM »
All quite normal. Sucks and makes you feel far from normal, but a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

All you can do sometimes it take it an hour at a time, surf the crappy bits and have faith that if you keep trying to do good basic self care, eventually it will get better.

I don't think i slept through the night for well over a year. Even when I had trained myself to shut down the anxiety monkeys enough to go to sleep ( I found dull podcasts very useful lol) I would rarelybsleep for more than a couple of hours at a time bc I would suddenly wake up like my hair was on fire. I took a lot of long 3am walks...

The early morning thing is apparently your body in fight/flight mode as a medical friend explained to me. Instead of slowly increasing the adrenaline as you naturallly begin the slow cycle towards waking up, it behaves as if you are on a battlefield and dumps it in one big jolt. That is why it is usually at about the same time...for me about 3.15 give or take ten minutes.

T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #120 on: February 18, 2019, 12:57:08 AM »
Ah yes, the "good old days" (NOT!) of walking 8-12 km in the night with my dog... nearly every night, rain or not, freezing cold or not, not having the faintest idea where I was going - just GOING and then having to figure out where the firetruck I was and how I had to get home....

I'll be honest that I talked to my doctor about it (especially with the sleeping - or NOT sleeping) thing and she told me about some Amino Acids (specifically L-Tryptophan, 5-HTP, and Melatonin) that I personally found VERY helpful.... it is a bit ironic as, due to what I think was learned int he time of my military service, I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat... My problem after the initial few months, was STAYING asleep. I still often wake up between 04:10 and 04:30 pretty regularly and I am at 38 months after the final BD...

One thing that I learned NOT to do was to look at the clock/my watch when I DO wake up because that starts the anxiety cycle into high gear. Instead, I roll over and just tell myself that my alarm will go off when it is time and that I can sleep until then.... Usually works.

In the initial stages after I had my own apartment and on the nights that the kids were not with me, I too occasionally had difficulty falling asleep or, worse yet, I DID fall asleep reading in my living room and woke up having NO idea where the heck I was and it would take me a few minutes before I would realise exactly where it was that I was sitting...

But, what I did learn was that "forcing" the issue was EXTREMELY counterproductive. If I wasn't feeling sleepy, then I found other things to do, read, play the occasional video game, in the summer I'd sit on my terrace with a couple of candles and just breath in the quietness of the night.... Once I was tired, then I'd go to bed....

It is normal and it will get better... One thing is that one has to consciously STOP the run-away thought train, aka Monkey-braining in those cases because that is self-defeating....

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online xyzcf

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #121 on: February 18, 2019, 05:49:40 AM »
I could fall asleep but not stay asleep, that 3:15 which Treasur spoke about. I took Benadryl 50 mg before bed that seemed to help keep me drowsy enough to sleep for a few more hours.

The other thing that helped is a product called Bach Remedy Rescue Sleep, a spray which you spray onto your tongue. I still keep it by my bedside table and used to use it when I would wake up and couldn't fall back asleep. It can be found in health food stores.

This disturbance in sleep is quite universal among LBSers and fortunately it does get better....I was so grateful when I was able to sleep through the night.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Whyus

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #122 on: February 18, 2019, 06:32:25 AM »
3a.m and wide awake wondering what the firetruck is going on!
Been there often enough but it does get better, it really does. hang on in there...
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #123 on: February 18, 2019, 02:43:43 PM »
I've had periods of time when I've woken at 3am, 4am etc....weeks and weeks I can wake at exactly the same time, to the nearest minute;

Thankfully, I'm sleeping much better now; mainly since she left.

I enjoy periods of alone time; I enjoy the quiet and being the master of my own destiny; however, not all day, every day; I like being around people, even if its sat in a bar or the cinema by myself.

There are times when its all so overwhelming and all I do is blame myself and let my imagination run wild.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #124 on: February 18, 2019, 05:15:32 PM »
MK, I spend many, many meals out alone.

Basically, I've decided that I don't want anyone else and I can just use my phone anyway, so I don't even need anyone "in person."  That's frightening but sadly, also the way things are today.     

The only thing I feel weird about is the waitstaff - are they like, "Doesn't this person know ANYBODY?!?"
« Last Edit: February 18, 2019, 05:22:42 PM by megogirl »

Offline In the valley

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #125 on: February 19, 2019, 02:05:49 PM »
I had the 3:30 AM wake up calls too for like 5 months.  The panic attack would hit every single night.  It did get better I still occasionally wake up at 3:30 or 4 but not with the intense anxiety I had, just up and thinking.  It will happen if something triggers me. 

What's weird is that I missed having her in the bed with me but once I got used to sleeping by myself I really enjoy it.  On occasions, I've had a new woman sleep over with me and I find it a little annoying.  I can't get comfortable and she wakes me up, unintentionally, but still wakes me up.  I was sort of surprised how much I like sleeping alone now.  It is nice cuddling but when I'm ready to sleep, I don't want to be bothered.  It's also nice if I've got gas to just let it rip so to speak.  With a bed mate it's kinda rude and I have to get up, go in the other room.  Anyway it's just extra hassle, I'm sure it will be worth while again at some point with the right one.  But you will probably enjoy sprawling on that bed at some point.
M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #126 on: February 19, 2019, 04:14:56 PM »
I have a live-in wallower who works out of town a couple of nights every other week. I used to have anxiety about her work trips. But now I look forward to them. SLEEP, GLORIOUS SLEEP.

MKnight, I understand completely about the imagination running wild. What I know is bad enough, but what I don't know bothers me more. Hard to let go of it, but eventually I think we have to come to the point where we decide it's not doing us any good to think about it. Easier said than done for sure.

About blaming yourself... Did she tell you she was thinking about blowing up your family and causing everyone intense pain? Did she ask you if you thought it was a good idea? If so and you said yes, then maybe you could blame yourself a little. If not, then don't blame yourself. This is her way of dealing with some internal ghosts of her own, of trying to fill a hollowness in her own soul in all the wrong ways. It's not about you, my friend. Be good to yourself.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #127 on: February 19, 2019, 04:18:43 PM »
It is nice cuddling but when I'm ready to sleep, I don't want to be bothered.  It's also nice if I've got gas to just let it rip so to speak.  With a bed mate it's kinda rude and I have to get up, go in the other room.

This is FANTASTIC

Thank you for that LOL

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #128 on: February 19, 2019, 04:35:29 PM »
Thanks for all the posts - puts a different perspective on things.

Quote
What I know is bad enough, but what I don't know bothers me more.

I'd rather not know what I don't know. I think its better that way; She is a semi-vanisher. I strongly suspect OM is now back in the picture. If that is the case I hope they are very happy together and I wish them well, but she is now burning the bridge behind her on the road to self destruction.

Quote
About blaming yourself... Did she tell you she was thinking about blowing up your family and causing everyone intense pain? Did she ask you if you thought it was a good idea? If so and you said yes, then maybe you could blame yourself a little. If not, then don't blame yourself. This is her way of dealing with some internal ghosts of her own, of trying to fill a hollowness in her own soul in all the wrong ways. It's not about you, my friend. Be good to yourself.

A different perspective which changes the mindset; Appreciated.

Quote
It's also nice if I've got gas to just let it rip so to speak.

Important to keep a sense of humour through all this crap....

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #129 on: February 20, 2019, 01:34:53 AM »
It's also nice if I've got gas to just let it rip so to speak.  With a bed mate it's kinda rude and I have to get up, go in the other room. 

That is a good reason to get a dog.... You have something to blame it on.... "Wasn't me! It was Rover!"

Quote from: PJ Ames
About blaming yourself... Did she tell you she was thinking about blowing up your family and causing everyone intense pain? Did she ask you if you thought it was a good idea? If so and you said yes, then maybe you could blame yourself a little. If not, then don't blame yourself. This is her way of dealing with some internal ghosts of her own, of trying to fill a hollowness in her own soul in all the wrong ways. It's not about you, my friend. Be good to yourself.
The first and foremost thing to keep in mind about MLC - It never IS  about you or your marriage, it never WAS about you or your marriage, it will never BE about you or your marriage....

The second thing is - "You didn't break your Mid-Lifer, you can NOT fix your Mid-lifer."

The third thing (and this comes from the book "The Four Agreements" - I HIGHLY recommend it) - Never ASS-U-ME anything.... the odds are extremely high that you'll be wrong.
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #130 on: February 20, 2019, 04:27:02 PM »
Thanks UM - I need to keep reminding myself of these things.

Offline Evermore

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #131 on: February 20, 2019, 04:55:43 PM »
Thanks UM - I need to keep reminding myself of these things.

If you're anything like me MK you will need reminding over and over and over because it just doesn't seem to 'stick'.
M: 48
H: 51
Married 19yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #132 on: February 21, 2019, 03:21:49 PM »
Quote
The first and foremost thing to keep in mind about MLC - It never IS  about you or your marriage, it never WAS about you or your marriage, it will never BE about you or your marriage....

Why does she behave like she hates me so much.....does she just hate herself, the way she feels and the guilt for breaking up the family, and project it onto me?

Why does she regard the marriage and the relationship as the problem, to such an extent that it has to end?

Why do text message conversations about kids etc feel so normal between us?

I saw a film recently that was quite triggering....it was about being a family.....the kids saw I was upset....

I've stopped trying to fix....and yeah, I shouldn't assume.....

Evermore....It hasn't stuck for two years; I take it so personally, because there are things I could have done differently.....not worked as much, spent more time together, gone out together more etc....if she was unhappy I never knew anything about it.

....I've always thought I'm collateral damage in one persons war with themselves; I just have to believe it !!
« Last Edit: February 21, 2019, 03:24:58 PM by MKnight10 »

Offline Evermore

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #133 on: February 21, 2019, 03:26:50 PM »
Quote
Evermore....It hasn't stuck for two years; I take it so personally.......I've always thought I'm collateral damage in one persons war with themselves; I just have to believe it !!

Yes, this. It's not the head that needs convincing. It's the heart. (Although that's a lie... my head keeps flip flopping too. I guess that's why so sad. Only 1/4 of me 'believes' right now.) I truly empathise. The pain is excruciating.
M: 48
H: 51
Married 19yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.

Online One day at a time

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #134 on: Today at 12:00:24 AM »
MK.. none of us are perfect, we all could have done things differently in our marriages.. would that have prevented your W's crisis? My gut feeling says no...

A while ago I had a bit of an epiphany... I remembered my teenage years and how I HATED my mum when she "interfered" with my life (or at least that's the way I saw it) I was actually cruel with her at times, I'm not proud about it now but during those years I only cared about me and what I wanted to do.. I knew I loved her but that didn't change my behavior. If she tried to "challenge" me, I responded with aggression because I wanted to get my own way.

Some people say that during MLC, the MLCer regresses to their teenage years.. If I think back, I saw some teenage behavior in my H when he was still living with me.. When I tried to talk some sense into him, he would rebel and become more cruel.. The more I push, the more he rejected me... Once I stopped "interfering", stopped trying to convince him that my way was better than his, he actually became a lot more subdued..

I know all MLCers are different but once I saw the similarities, I really understood there was nothing I could do to change his mind. Right now he's a rebellious teenager who wants to break free from authority (me) He just needs to go and do what he thinks he needs to do and hopefully grown into a full adult at some point. Not saying your wife is the same but this might be an explanation for her "hate"
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Whyus

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #135 on: Today at 12:52:22 AM »
MK, my XWs Major issue was our House and the work/ time involved. The house was fantastic WE designed and Built it ourselves. Just as WE wanted to have it. It was our security and a Chance to leave somethig of value behind for the Boys one day.
XW worked 2-3 hours a day less than I did so that she could Keep it tidy, I too had my Chores which I always did but it wasnt enough. She felt like a failure because she could never quite get it as she wanted it (not easy with 2 Kids, 2 Dogs and 2 cats).
As a child her house was a mess, MIL worked all day and XW cleaned, shopped and cooked starting at the age of 11 or 12.

If we had had a rented appartment which would have meant less work then that would have been wrong too. Then i would have heard from her "why havent we got a House like all our friends?".

It really that simple, whatever we did was always going to be wrong because they were never truely happy! We are collateral damage as are our Kids.
The house would have guaranteed the Boys 200.000EUR each one day, easily. We sold it under price, that Money is now mostly gone of Course, I still have a big chunk of my part but im not as Foggy as my XW. She cannot have much left after all she has bought.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #136 on: Today at 12:56:01 AM »
Quote from: McKnight10
Why does she behave like she hates me so much.....does she just hate herself, the way she feels and the guilt for breaking up the family, and project it onto me?

The collective hive mind wisdom says that it is because the LBS is a "safe" place to dump all the rage and anger that they have been stuffing down against other "unsafe" people for years. They see us as the source of ALL their pain and anguish because it is safe to do so as opposed to the people from their past that are truly the source but are not "safe" to confront in the mind of the Mid-Lifer.

Therefore, the teenager analogy still fits. The teenager rebels against the parents who are "safe" rather than the big scary rest of the world.

Add to that the fact that the guilt is an additional negative feeling that they are trying to deny and the weight of that translates into anger as well. Who is the cause of that guilt? Well, in their minds, the LBS beacuse they betrayed us so it is our fault that they feel guilty (Remember that tasting green with your elbow thing? aka "Pretzel Logic?")

Finally, their actions have resulted in consequences for which they are responsible and, although they are physically adults, they are emotional teenagers or even toddlers, they do not want to deal with consequences. That would imply accountability and responsibility, both of which are anathema to a Mid-Lifer.... So they project/dump on the LBS. WE are the ones supposed to ease their conscience, WE are the ones who are supposed to keep them happy, WE are the ones who are supposed to deal with the $#!t sandwich that they have made.... But, we are NOT living up to those expectations and they are therefore disappointed which turns into anger as a secondary emotion....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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