Author Topic: My Story Depression & MLC Pt3  (Read 1365 times)

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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My Story Depression & MLC Pt3
« on: October 21, 2018, 11:06:37 AM »
3rd thread

Brief summary  - 16 months post BD - wife has now moved out claiming she needs to work out wants she wants in life and to find her happiness.

Finding life very tough -  I miss my wife - She can't be replaced.

Detaching & GALing - Living like she is not coming back.

Very grateful for the posts and contributions of those who have gone before me on this very painful journey.

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10412.140
« Last Edit: October 21, 2018, 11:10:47 AM by MKnight10 »

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2018, 11:10:11 AM »
From previous thread:

Quote
What if I tell you that I felt NOTHING for my husband?
I wanted him to disappear
I wanted him to leave me alone
I wanted him to just go away and don't bother me
I didn't love him anymore and I was SURE i never will

Time.....

After 5 year
I'd give everything just for him to hold my hand
I'd give anything for him just to be with me
I'd give anything to get his attention

When the FOG was gone I knew he is the only one i want to spend my life with
Difficult to explain MLC, as you can't comprehend that sudden " unlove" , sudden personality change. There is no such thing as ILVYBIMNILWY nonsense.

Hi BB -Ive been reading some of your threads - thanks for your post. What made you so sure you were done with your husband and equally what then made you decide he was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

5 years is a long time to wait for something that may never happen.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2018, 11:48:23 AM »
Following you along MK. Keep the chin up!
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017
BD2 - 22nd March 2018
H left home 11th May 2018 (my decision) - Moved in with parents
EA with someone 12,000 kms away!!
Trying very hard to let go...

Offline In the valley

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2018, 08:07:29 PM »
Following along.
M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2018, 11:45:01 PM »
From previous thread:

Quote
What if I tell you that I felt NOTHING for my husband?
I wanted him to disappear
I wanted him to leave me alone
I wanted him to just go away and don't bother me
I didn't love him anymore and I was SURE i never will

Time.....

After 5 year
I'd give everything just for him to hold my hand
I'd give anything for him just to be with me
I'd give anything to get his attention

When the FOG was gone I knew he is the only one i want to spend my life with
Difficult to explain MLC, as you can't comprehend that sudden " unlove" , sudden personality change. There is no such thing as ILVYBIMNILWY nonsense.

Hi BB -Ive been reading some of your threads - thanks for your post. What made you so sure you were done with your husband and equally what then made you decide he was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

5 years is a long time to wait for something that may never happen.
Please dont think that your W will have a similare awakening. Some threads give hope, too much hope even. It doesnt always take a turn for the better but when it does everybody thinks "great, theres proof so I will wait another 35years"...
You say that you are living as though she is never coming back. Thats what you have to do but dont lie to yourself, you have to live that way .

Hang in there fella, day by day.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2018, 12:37:19 AM »
Living like she is not coming back - What I mean is just getting on with my life - eating, working, sleeping and keeping up with my hobbies, interests and sporting activities I've always done. Keeping in touch with friends, family and being sociable.

I am out there doing things and trying to move forward. I'm not sat around at home, pining for her in a darkened room with the curtains drawn and lights off.

I am not out drinking my self stupid, or doing stupid things to attract attention; I'm leaving her alone and mirroring her level of contact.

Yes - I have a permanent air of sadness over me - I have a massive sense of loss. But as each day passes, my new normal feels more normal and I adjust to my new environment;

Mixed messages are tough. I think I read it was checking you are still where they left you. Not completely letting go on their part.

I believe I'm living like she is not coming back, although I would want her back - after a long conversation.
« Last Edit: October 22, 2018, 12:38:52 AM by MKnight10 »

Offline Whyus

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2018, 01:06:18 AM »
You seem to be doing everything right mate, good for you.
I personally would not think twice about taking my ExW back because she is gone. It would be a clear NO!
The woman that I married has left the planet, the Change is unbelievable. Both her Looks and personality have nothing to do with my "W" as i knew her.
IF she were to awake sometime AND transform back to the Woman she was AND I was "available" at that time then I would consider it, she really was near perfect imho. but there is no Point in waiting for such a Thing to happen. IF and WHEN it happens is the time to think about it, not a second earlier.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2018, 01:10:40 AM »
MK, you seem to be doing exactly what I'm doing.. And you are right, as each day passes, you get more used to being on your own. Not like you wouldn't like to have her back, I know I would like to have my H back, but day after day you will see life goes on and that you are still alive and you start to enjoy some of the things you are doing.. I think it's the best thing you can do, as hard at it is..

Time will tell if this is the end of our stories with them or not.. In the meantime, all we can do is to live our lives and see where that takes us. We might get to a point where we don't really care if they want to come back or not. I still think that scenario is very sad but at the end of the day, that's what they decided to risk.
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017
BD2 - 22nd March 2018
H left home 11th May 2018 (my decision) - Moved in with parents
EA with someone 12,000 kms away!!
Trying very hard to let go...

Offline Whyus

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #8 on: October 22, 2018, 02:00:12 AM »
Time will tell if this is the end of our stories with them or not.. In the meantime, all we can do is to live our lives and see where that takes us. We might get to a point where we don't really care if they want to come back or not. I still think that scenario is very sad but at the end of the day, that's what they decided to risk.

It is a very sad Scenario but i think that it depends how much the MLCer has changed compared to the Person they were pre BD. My ExW has done a total 180, the old W wouldnt like who she has become, she would be sickened. I dont know this new Version and I have no Intension of getting to know her which makes detachment easier in one way.
Then again, if a MLCer hasnt "changed" compared to pre BD then chances are that it isnt a MLC and they are just done.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #9 on: October 22, 2018, 02:16:20 AM »
Time will tell if this is the end of our stories with them or not.. In the meantime, all we can do is to live our lives and see where that takes us. We might get to a point where we don't really care if they want to come back or not. I still think that scenario is very sad but at the end of the day, that's what they decided to risk.

It is a very sad Scenario but i think that it depends how much the MLCer has changed compared to the Person they were pre BD. My ExW has done a total 180, the old W wouldnt like who she has become, she would be sickened. I dont know this new Version and I have no Intension of getting to know her which makes detachment easier in one way.
Then again, if a MLCer hasnt "changed" compared to pre BD then chances are that it isnt a MLC and they are just done.


Yes, I agree.. I think for me it's still sad because my H is low energy and his behavior hasn't been as radical as with other MLCers. I saw the change and I didn't like it.. I told him in more than one occasion I didn't know who he was anymore.. But then he settled into a very withdrawn state, so my compassion kicked in. I wouldn't take him back the way he is, I would have to see that he's prepared to do the work that he needs to do and own up to his issues.
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017
BD2 - 22nd March 2018
H left home 11th May 2018 (my decision) - Moved in with parents
EA with someone 12,000 kms away!!
Trying very hard to let go...

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #10 on: October 22, 2018, 02:24:43 AM »
Time will tell if this is the end of our stories with them or not.. In the meantime, all we can do is to live our lives and see where that takes us. We might get to a point where we don't really care if they want to come back or not. I still think that scenario is very sad but at the end of the day, that's what they decided to risk.

It is a very sad Scenario but i think that it depends how much the MLCer has changed compared to the Person they were pre BD. My ExW has done a total 180, the old W wouldnt like who she has become, she would be sickened. I dont know this new Version and I have no Intension of getting to know her which makes detachment easier in one way.
Then again, if a MLCer hasnt "changed" compared to pre BD then chances are that it isnt a MLC and they are just done.


Yes, I agree.. I think for me it's still sad because my H is low energy and his behavior hasn't been as radical as with other MLCers. I saw the change and I didn't like it.. I told him in more than one occasion I didn't know who he was anymore.. But then he settled into a very withdrawn state, so my compassion kicked in. I wouldn't take him back the way he is, I would have to see that he's prepared to do the work that he needs to do and own up to his issues.

Ah yes, the Low-Energy Wallower syndrome.... I have one of those too this time around but, at the end of the day, it was those exact "qualities" that took her into her MLC in the first place... stuffing things down instead of talking about them, refusing to see anyone else's viewpoint but her own (especially the LBS's), etc.

These last 2 sentences say it all.. If they are not willing to do the work needed, then taking them back is setting one's self up for a repeat performance.. and, quite frankly, why, int he name of all that is holy, would ANYONE want to "Play it Again, Sam?"
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #11 on: October 22, 2018, 04:34:35 AM »
Quote
I have one of those too this time around but, at the end of the day, it was those exact "qualities" that took her into her MLC in the first place... stuffing things down instead of talking about them, refusing to see anyone else's viewpoint but her own (especially the LBS's), etc.

Same here - suppressing emotions has probably caused all this - she has suppressed so much she feels nothing.

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #12 on: October 22, 2018, 06:02:48 AM »
Yes - I have a permanent air of sadness over me - I have a massive sense of loss. But as each day passes, my new normal feels more normal and I adjust to my new environment;

And if your journey is anything like mine, your new normal starts feeling better little by little causing the fact that you will see yourself questioning your will to have her back at all.
That may not happen and is a concious decision too (to stand or not) but it may happen as well, happened to me. Anyway what is inevitable is that you will begin to look your life from different angle after the worst pain lets go and give a little more space to your thoughts. I have to say that to me MLC has been but pain, also the eye opener I wouldn't probably ever had without it. May sound as cliché and not feel like it at all atm but I claim that saying that this may be the best opportunity to grow in your whole life, is true.

I hate MLC but I am thankful for it too.




"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Thunder

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #13 on: October 22, 2018, 06:10:50 AM »
"why, in the name of all that is holy, would ANYONE want to "Play it Again, Sam?"

Not me, that's why I will never marry a 3rd time.  ha ha  Twice was enough.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Whyus

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #14 on: October 22, 2018, 06:30:49 AM »
me neither, I dont see the Point in marriage anymore.
Its not like being married secures anything is it? Your Partner can still do what he/she wants with whoever he/she wants to if married or not. Vows dont seem to mean anything anymore as we all know, we learnt the hard way.
Its just my opinion at this Point in time and could well Change in a year or 2, who knows?
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #15 on: October 22, 2018, 07:16:21 AM »
Following along MK.  Hang in there man.

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #16 on: October 23, 2018, 04:32:23 AM »
"why, in the name of all that is holy, would ANYONE want to "Play it Again, Sam?"

Not me, that's why I will never marry a 3rd time.  ha ha  Twice was enough.

Yep for me as well. Twice was too much tbh.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline In the valley

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #17 on: October 23, 2018, 08:38:23 AM »
My marriage was very good, I thought anyway, up until it wasn't.  I feel like I would do it again with the right person.  Probably be sure to get a prenup though. Lol. 
M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

Online Treasur

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #18 on: October 23, 2018, 09:35:25 AM »
My marriage was lovely too...until it became a weird twilight zone of horror  :)
Maybe would have kept some things more financially separate....but definitely no 2nd marriage for me if only because it's the only sure way of not having a 2nd divorce  ::)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #19 on: October 23, 2018, 09:58:40 AM »
Whyus, you're way too young to feel like that.  You could still have man happy years with someone else.

Probably all you guys & Treasur could too.   :)

My 1st marriage lasted 18 not so happy years, 2nd one lasted more than 20 years (and those were very happy years).  So I've had good and bad, but no more go around for me.   8)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #20 on: October 23, 2018, 10:44:38 AM »
Love and friendship is one thing for me.
I enjoyed the love and intimacy we had, and it saddens me that it is lost, but I hope that there may be a different kind of relationship and love to come.
But marriage is a completely different kettle of fish for me now. And tbh, I married my h because of how I felt about him as an individual and I think like you Thunder that was more driven by him than me...we lived together for 6 years before and I was happy then too.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #21 on: October 23, 2018, 03:18:00 PM »
Quote
My marriage was very good, I thought anyway, up until it wasn't.

Same. Exactly the same. Two years ago, I was the best husband ever...plastered all over FB.

Feeling lonely tonight - kids not very well. Nobody to share the burden. Family home lots of work to keep tidy by myself.

Where is my wife? What is she doing? Is she ok? Is she missing me? What is she thinking? Is she happy now? Any regrets?

So many unanswered questions.

She doesnt want me in her life, so I have to stay out of it, which means minimal, limited, not initiated by me, contact, unless child related.

Keeping busy. Life goes on. Slowly learning to accept this life I never asked for.

Tough times.

Offline In the valley

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #22 on: October 23, 2018, 08:29:07 PM »
Mk, I know!  Facebook photos of the two of us and our family with many compliments up till almost the day mine file for D.  I went from husband to be proud of to controlling Ahole overnight.  I know its so tough.  Everything you experience you want to share with your former partner.  I was the same way.  Couldn't find pleasure in anything I did by myself.  Seemed completely overwhelmed by having responsibility for 100% of the household and my full-time job.  I had help from my parents and a friend at work.  Funny thing is if your spouse dies, you get time off work, people bring you meals and donate money.  When a spouse just leaves with no warning you have all the same responsibilities, bigger heartache I think( i can't say for sure), lawyer bills, and people tend to keep their distance. 

Try not to think about what she's thinking or doing.  Try to find something anything you can do to feel like you accomplished something.  Start small and soon the good feeling of doing something positive and productive will motivate you to do more.  If you can find some good friends or family to share your experiences with, that will reduce the urge to send to your W.  It seems horrible at first like you feel the bond you had breaking but after some time, its very welcome not to feel those urges.  I'm not that far along and still struggling with these things myself.   
M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #23 on: October 24, 2018, 05:46:36 AM »
Your questions sound very familiar MK. And as we don't have any answers, our mind (at least mine) tries to fill the holes, which creates assumptions and even expectations, which may not even be fully concious. That's why ItV:s advice trying to think of what she is doing and feeling as much as possible. Speaking about my own experience, thinking of what she is thinking or doing is the fastest way to let painful monkey braining to take over.

Stay strong mate.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #24 on: October 24, 2018, 10:29:58 AM »
Yep, I agree with Silver.. everytime I start asking myself those questions, I go into a downward spiral.. it's very normal but not at all helpful.. and the reality is that the answers don't matter, they decided NOT to be with us or part of our lives.. it sucks!

I know it's very hard but when those questions start coming to your head, try to stop yourself and find something to get busy with to distract you.. Something that gives you joy or like in the valley said, something that gives you a sense of accomplishment.. just to get you though that hour, that day..

It will get better my friend!
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017
BD2 - 22nd March 2018
H left home 11th May 2018 (my decision) - Moved in with parents
EA with someone 12,000 kms away!!
Trying very hard to let go...

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #25 on: October 28, 2018, 10:52:46 AM »
Another kids activity and another social encounter with the wife. Unfortunately winter is on its way, it was cold, wet and windy; the conversation wasn't as free flowing as last time.

She was very emotionally cold and distant; I felt more than usual. Very disinterested in my presence; happier talking to other parents.

Over an hour and a half, I became somewhat overwhelmed with emotion, that my once loving and affectionate wife was behaving like I was invisible and didn't matter.

I let this affect me and I made an excuse and left as soon as I could.

I thought I was getting stronger this week, having kept so busy. I turned to emotional mush inside, the minute I saw her.

I can't even take seeing her anymore; all the hurt comes back, along with all the desire, the physical longing .....the family in one place.

I need to limit text conversation even further and stop all meetings until I'm stronger. Are these normal feelings? To want to not see her even though I want her back? I was also considering selling my house and just disappearing. She is clearly done with me and as much as I want to be around my kids, its just to painful for me now.

When does all the pain stop?

Offline Thunder

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #26 on: October 28, 2018, 11:43:13 AM »
MK,

It takes awhile, just keep trying different things.  For instance yes, cut out as much as you can with texting or contact.

Sit away from her when you are at games.  You aren't expected to sit by her.  Sit with some other folks.  Ignore her.  Not that you can't say hello if you run into her, but keep walking along to your own seat.

You might even make some new friends who will have things in common.
I would bet there is more than one single father at these games.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline CrackedGranite

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #27 on: October 28, 2018, 12:44:48 PM »
Mk,

You are getting stronger, don't doubt that!!  Maybe not as quickly as you'd like, but stronger all the same.

All those emotions are normal, at least for me, and I get the just wanting to disappear for awhile.

As always Thunder is spot on with "just keep trying different things".  I'd add, "especially those things that make YOU feel better".

Online FromAbroad

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #28 on: October 29, 2018, 02:27:40 AM »
Really can relate to you MK.

I also am in the position where I rather just don't want to see her anymore. I still love her and would like to see the R restored. But atm I feel much better not seeing her than having to deal with the alternate version of my W. I also hated the indifference my W was showing a lot of times. Just the fact they treat you like you are nobody to them. Like they don't care at all. I hate Monster (which I get a lot), but at least monster shows there is still some feelings inside.

The wanting to disappear is also something that crosses my mind a lot. If it wasn't for the kids I would have been gone to and it would have been a full NC for me.

I hope that for the both of us it does get better soon. Today I have a really bad day myself where I just don't see the point of it all. Getting up and not having anyone to say good morning to. Not seeing your kids all day. Trying to GAL, but all it does atm is filling a void, it doesn't feel genuine. It's tough mate. But day by day, step by step we will get there.
M 39
W 37
D12 D5
15Y Marriage

08-2017 BD1 - ILYBINILWY speech, OM which she knew for 1 week and had seen for just 1 hour
11-2017 - Moved back in
05-2018 BD2 - Seeing OM again.
06-2018 - I leave the house

No D up untill now, but soon will be I guess.
Still standing

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #29 on: October 29, 2018, 04:20:57 AM »
Yep, what you feel is very normal MK. Seeing her hurts so much bc she is not the same person she once was. They are going trough change, that's what it is all about in the end. What is more important imo is how you feel without her. If you can focus anything else, feel you are stronger even occasionally, trusting that you will survive and after that, even live a good life regardless of her choices, then you know you are progressing. I was really in pain seeing my xW after it came imminent she actually will leave me. Every time she was absent I felt better, stronger, and her move out was a really important turning point to me. To me the most difficult thing in addition to trying accept that OM is part of my children's other family now, was letting go desire to change everything back how it was before MLC. I can't, you can't, none of us can. Anything may still happen but what once was is no more and that's it. Sorry my friend but that's the truth. It takes time to leave denial of that.

I was told that 'the day she BD:d me was the day our relationship as it was, was over'.
I really didn't want to hear that and denied that for months. But I know now it is the truth.

Stay strong mate.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Thunder

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #30 on: October 29, 2018, 04:35:23 AM »
We were all in denial.  We all thought our spouses would be different, but they weren't.

Silver you are so right.  It takes a long time to realize the marriage is over, as it was.  Sadly you can never go back.  If you get back together in the future it will be a different type relationship.
Once you gain that Acceptance it gets easier.  You will let go of the old marriage, whether you divorce or not.  They blew that marriage up.

Now that's not to say the relationship you may have with them, in the future, can not be better.  Sometimes it is.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #31 on: October 29, 2018, 04:36:50 AM »
We were all in denial.  We all thought our spouses would be different, but they weren't.

Silver you are so right.  It takes a long time to realize the marriage is over, as it was.  Sadly you can never go back.  If you get back together in the future it will be a different type relationship.
Once you gain that Acceptance it gets easier.  You will let go of the old marriage, whether you divorce or not.  They blew that marriage up.

Now that's not to say the relationship you may have with them, in the future, can not be better.  Sometimes it is.

Amen
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #32 on: October 29, 2018, 05:01:57 AM »
As many people have said already here, all very normal. I feel a lot stronger when I don't see H but I still miss him on a daily basis.. I just try to focus on something else so I don't get low emotionally.. When I see him, I realize I still have expectations. I'm hoping for a miracle which will never come or at least not for a long time.

I have become very good at hiding my pain from people in RL because they simply don't get it. I come here and sometimes get emotional as I type (like now) but I see it as part of the process, just releasing the pain little by little with this wonderful community that virtually holds my hand. You need to allow yourself time to grieve, she was a very important part of your life so it will take time.

I also had the same thought about just disappearing.. I have no kids and no family in this country so the urge to simply run away from it all was very strong (sometimes still is) but the reality is that this is what our spouses are doing. "Trying" to run away from their pain and we all know that will not fix their problems so I know it will not work for me either.

What keeps me going right now is the little things in life and the constant message we all get here that things will get better for us over time. Some days are better than others but overall I can see I have made progress since this crazy roller coaster started. You will get there on your own time, just be patient with yourself..

This too shall pass.
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017
BD2 - 22nd March 2018
H left home 11th May 2018 (my decision) - Moved in with parents
EA with someone 12,000 kms away!!
Trying very hard to let go...

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #33 on: October 29, 2018, 10:23:52 AM »
I just want my wife back and the pain to stop, but I know neither is going to happen, anytime soon or if ever. I don't see me 'getting over' this but merely learning to live with the pain.

I have to let go but I don't know how.

It doesn't help seeing her but we have kids and its unavoidable.

Moving away isn't necessarily the answer as thoughts and feelings travel with you, as I've already discovered.

I've been reading about depression, bereavement and the effects of suppressing emotions and its affect on relationships. Very interesting. The suppression can only be done for so long before it boils over and demands to be dealt with.

External solutions to internal problems.

Giving it time. Hurts like hell.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #34 on: October 29, 2018, 10:41:59 AM »
No you won't, and I hate that term..."getting over" this.

You don't have to get over anything right now.  You'll do that when you're ready and not before.

I'm really sorry MK, I know it hurts like h!ll.   :-\
I wish I had the magic words to help you feel better, but I don't. 

{{Big Hug}}
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #35 on: October 29, 2018, 10:54:21 AM »
Quote
No you won't, and I hate that term..."getting over" this.

Yep - I hate it too.

Thanks for your posts Thunder - I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #36 on: October 29, 2018, 04:46:31 PM »
Funny thing is if your spouse dies, you get time off work, people bring you meals and donate money.  When a spouse just leaves with no warning you have all the same responsibilities, bigger heartache I think( i can't say for sure), lawyer bills, and people tend to keep their distance.

A wise poster here drew the perfect analogy: It's like having a missing child, instead of a murdered one.

SPOT. ON......
« Last Edit: October 29, 2018, 04:47:33 PM by megogirl »

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #37 on: October 30, 2018, 04:46:09 AM »
Letting go doesn't happen soon, it is one of the hardest thing to do ever.
Time will work for you, that is a fact though it hurts so bad now.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #38 on: November 09, 2018, 04:40:18 PM »
Haven't posted for a few days.

Life continues without my wife. Contact is minimal and centred around the kids. She never asks how I am or what I'm doing. She shows no ounce of regret and appears not to care. She has deleted me and our 25yr history with great ease. I miss her so much.

For me its tough going. I can't change anything; I didn't ask for this life.

Friends and family say close the chapter and move on. But nobody can tell me how you do that. People say well its just time. But what about time?

Will time erase those feelings? Will time make me forget about her? Will spending time on my own doing things for me, ease the pain? Will her spending time alone, make her miss me or confirm her feelings no longer exist?

I love and adore my wife. I always have. BD was sat in a pub while she told me she had changed and no longer wanted to be in a relationship. I didn't really understand what she was telling me.

I feel this has been brought on my bereavement and depression. Moving on and closing the chapter makes me feel like I'm letting her down.

Do I just try and accept its really over. How do I do this? How do I stop getting filled with emotion when I see her?

So many questions. Nobody can answer them.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #39 on: November 09, 2018, 04:58:10 PM »
Friends and family say close the chapter and move on. But nobody can tell me how you do that. People say well its just time.

It's super-nice for "friends and family" to offer their advice on "what's time" to quit YOUR relationship.  Newsflash: "friends and family" DON'T GET IT.  Here, we do.

The choice to Stand is yours, and yours alone.  It takes patience and tenacity - perhaps more than I even have - Idk.  I'm two years in, still plugging and will continue - for our FAMILY.

I figure that it's not only what I want - it's what I promised God and ultimately, what He wants for US.
 
« Last Edit: November 09, 2018, 05:00:04 PM by megogirl »

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #40 on: November 09, 2018, 05:33:31 PM »
Quote
Friends and family say close the chapter and move on
.

What does that mean exactly? Your memories from 25 years are not going to disappear because you ask them to. Your emotions and feelings for her are not going to be turned off because you want to close the chapter..heck...you didn't even know that there would be a chapter to close.

Your dreams about life, growing older together, having freedom from the responsibilities of children and work, perhaps traveling and taking care of one another as you age...this is what was real for you.

Moving on....suggests moving on to another relationship and some are able to do that...but not all for a variety of reasons.

Missing her is quite normal, you care about her....I always felt that just because he left me did not mean at all that I stopped loving him...the man I knew for 35 years..not this version.

I read this this week and since I have been in therapy 9 years after BD for over a year now, being treated for PTSD, I really related to what she was saying.

Trauma permanently changes us.

This is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as “getting over it.” The five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake. There is no “back to the old me.” You are different now, full stop.

This is not a wholly negative thing. Healing from trauma can also mean finding new strength and joy. The goal of healing is not a papering-over of changes in an effort to preserve or present things as normal. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life — warts, wisdom, and all — with courage.

Catherine Woodiwess


We have been hurt deeply and our lives have been demolished unexpectedly, suddenly and without any explanation or reason..indeed...the whole thing seems absurd..and yet it happened. As time goes by, perhaps we start to think of them less, to accept more the reality of where our lives have taken us.....the length of time for this to happen varies considerably but humans are amazingly resilient and adapt over time.....

You have been wounded...allow the time it takes for the healing to occur.
« Last Edit: November 09, 2018, 05:34:37 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #41 on: November 09, 2018, 05:47:32 PM »
This is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as “getting over it.” The five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake.

One wise soul here likened an MLC spouse to a missing child, vs. a murdered one.

I agree with the above statement in regard to a murdered child.  I don't agree with it in regard to a "missing" one.

Because "missing" = unfinished business = NEVER, EVER "normal."
« Last Edit: November 09, 2018, 05:52:03 PM by megogirl »

Offline Acorn

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #42 on: November 09, 2018, 06:44:38 PM »
Dear MK, I know of the visceral pain that emanates from your words.  I think we all do...  ((((((HUGS))))))

TIME. Yes, it is frustrating when people mention that 4-letter word.  ‘But what about time?’ question is an important one.  I, too, wondered about this inflexible factor.  There were lots of things one could accomplish in life, but speeding up or slowing down time isn’t one of them.  You can’t go back in time and redo parts of your life either.  With all its inflexibility, it does have one redeeming feature.  Healing.  Be patient and let it heal you. 

What is true for me is that time did not lessen or erase my love for H.  Time allowed me wrap it up and put it in the deep recesses of my heart until such a time that we are ready to wear our love on our sleeves again.  It is still under the wrap...  If such opportunity does not eventuate, my love is still protected.  It shall not be tarnished by the passage of time or the lack of returned favour.  It is unconditional.

Spending time doing your own thing will not take your pain away but enables you to put it at the back of your mind for a while. It also turns your attention away from the ticking clock and tricks your sense of time.  After all, isn’t the speed of time in our perception of it?  When enough time has passed, the wounds will begin to heal.  It may heal very slowly, it may not heal completely and may throb on rainy days.

As for what time will do to your W, even she doesn’t know.  It is fruitless endeavour to seek a window into the future, especially that of another human being.  It’s best to spend your mental energy in figuring out what you must do in the immediate future.  Mundane things are easy to predict and to accomplish.  One foot ahead of the other, focus on the welfare of the children, take care of your health, etc. 

Moving on and closing the chapter?  By all means.  The old marriage is no more.  One must close that chapter and move on to the next.  The next chapter is about finding your emotional equilibrium and finding ways to alter the perception of the passage of time by seeking worthwhile endeavours to improve or maintain your physical and emotional health.  You may need some help in the form of a counselor, a family doctor or patient friends. 

I’m not sure how this kind of positve turning of the page and opening the next chapter would be regarded as letting her down.  If anything, it might be beneficial for her to see you getting on with your life.  We often set the tone. 

The raw pain you feel when you see her will ease in time.  I didn’t think my heart would ever be in one piece again.  It was smashed to smithereens and hurting so badly that I could not have cared if I lived or died.  And yet, there I was, after a long time had passed, grinning like an idiot at a double rainbow...

As for the future of your M, no one knows.  There is nothing to accept or not accept things that have not happened yet.  It is early days yet.  Just put one foot ahead of the other and life will get better.  I promise.  I’ve been there.


« Last Edit: November 09, 2018, 06:45:50 PM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #43 on: November 10, 2018, 12:50:57 AM »
I think not wanting to see her despite wanting her back is a healthy sign.  I think it shows that your psyche understands what damages you and doesn’t want to expose you to pain so that you can get better and stronger.  To keep exposing oneself to hurt is a masochistic tendency and your mind is telling you that isn’t helpful for you.

When I reached this point it coincided with far greater strength, even though it felt kind of fearful.


Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #44 on: November 10, 2018, 03:45:52 PM »
xyzcf, acorn - your words provide great comfort. Thanks....

Quote
I’m not sure how this kind of positve turning of the page and opening the next chapter would be regarded as letting her down.  If anything, it might be beneficial for her to see you getting on with your life.  We often set the tone.

Because, I regard the act of 'moving on' as leaving her to live her own life of misery and depression. I know she is not happy, but she was convinced leaving me was going to be the answer to finding her happiness. I do worry about her; how she is getting on, coping etc....I know I can't control or fix anything, apart from me.

BD and her behaviour since is totally out of character and not the woman I know. I may be finding excuses for her, but I know this is not my wife. I still see beyond the behaviour and know there is a decent person inside.

I don't initiate contact, unless its child related. This for me is essential; giving her the space she has requested.

I've observed since she left that she vocally professes her love to the kids, more than she ever used to. Maybe nothing, but interesting all the same.

Quote
I think not wanting to see her despite wanting her back is a healthy sign

Thanks. I'm not interested in being 'friends'. Seeing her just hurts even more, because I don't see my wife, I see someone who looks like my wife but is emotionally unavailable and doesn't respond like my wife did. Therefore, best avoided.

I'm ticking items off the bucket list very soon. Concentrating on me, distraction, enjoyment, activities that make me happy.....moving forward. Slowly.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #45 on: November 10, 2018, 03:54:34 PM »
I've observed since she left that she vocally professes her love to the kids, more than she ever used to. Maybe nothing, but interesting all the same.

Probably out of GUILT.

She knows she's a train wreck - and *should* be home, attending to them - and yet, she doesn't feel capable of doing so.

I will never, ever understand this $h!te.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #46 on: November 10, 2018, 05:35:23 PM »
There is "moving on" and "moving forward " and they have different connotations. Moving on is like moving on to other things. Moving forward is just you continuing on your life.  You can move forward, take care of yourself, do the things you want and need and enjoy, but that doesn't mean that you've left your MLCer.  You've left room for her to come and catch up. It's really just semantics. But closing that chapter and moving forward can work for you because you haven't reached the end of the book yet. Consider MLC another chapter or two interspersed with other chapters of your life. You get to write the interspersed ones.

And yes, it's hard to see the person with your spouses face, but your spouse isn't in there. I simply cannot talk to mine, and it's been over three years. It's like some horrible horror movie. I don't even know who that guy is, and any kind of contact still upsets me. My H died, but his body is still here. And that is the tell. Normal people do get upset when a marriage doesn't work out. That your wife does not seem to care shows how broken she really is.

Find people to do things with, do things with your kids. Give your life some variety. Drive off road  ;D. Well, only if you want to, but it saved some of my sanity. It does get better, it doesn't go away, and that's not a bad thing. If we learn from this experience and heal ourselves (with or without counseling), it becomes part of who we are. We choose if we want it to be for good or ill.

You can do this.

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #47 on: November 10, 2018, 05:41:21 PM »
Normal people do get upset when a marriage doesn't work out. That your wife does not seem to care shows how broken she really is.

WOWWW!! YES.  Never thought of it that way....the total indifference speaks volumes.....

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #48 on: November 14, 2018, 04:35:41 PM »
The MLCer says they are ok, but really when you look at them, you know they are not.

I would also say that even though she popped around with the kids, to say she was just tired, didn't ring true. I could tell, from knowing her all my adult life, that there was something else that was amiss, and I'm more than 100% sure, it wasn't because she had to see me.

I really feel for her; what a lost, broken soul she is and she just cant see it. External solutions, to internal problems.

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #49 on: November 26, 2018, 03:50:52 PM »
W has been gone nearly two months. Very little contact from her now. Minor exchanges re kids;

Is that it now? The MLC has hit, she has moved out and will file for divorce when our laws allow her to. Maybe.....

I don't see her, I have little contact. She never asks about how I am. What do I do now? My marriage and relationship is dead. Gone. Dissolved in front of my very eyes for which I had no control over.

Very sad. Missed more than I can put into words.


Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #50 on: November 27, 2018, 04:17:02 AM »
MK,

OldPilot's (who was my mentor too) words to me at some point in my worst days of "feeling lost" were something like this:

Either she finds you one day or she doesn't. Until that it is best for you to live as if she isn't coming back.

Not his exact words but the point is clear.

There is really not much you can do about it my friend but to survive and when you have, go on with your life. The game isn't necessarily over but you can't play it atm anyway. You have to decide how much power you give her from now on. Not saying you should not be grieving, you have to or you would be denying the whole sh*t happened and that is not good, not anymore imo.
Probably the worst stage of your life this far but this too shall pass, another sentence that just is a fact, meaning the worst pain will go away and you will adapt and that's what you have to trust on.





"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #51 on: November 27, 2018, 04:45:38 AM »
MK, i agree with everything that Silver has writen.
YOU HAVE TO LIVE AS THOUGH SHE WILL NEVER COME BACK because the painful truth is that she probably wont. I dont mean to rob you off all hope but its just a simple fact which you have to accept and work through.
I am coming upto the 2 year mark, ive been Divorced for 3 months, I filed. It was the best Thing that I have done since BD, for my XW too probably because only God can know when and if she would have filed.

Please stop Feeling sorry for her being depressed etc. I am just saying this because I used to be the same until I thought "firetruck it, why should I feel sorry for her? What about me? Does she feel sorry for me? (of Course she doesnt). She Chose to do the Things that she has done and has checked out for a better life. She probably hasnt forund in and never will but THAT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE!
She is a big grl and can take care of herself (She will probably tell you this). OK, then let her be a Girl. Dont even Pop the Popcorn and watch the Show, just look away (I still have a Problem with this but its getting better).

Dont let her drive you crazy, just do your Thing but do it for you.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #52 on: November 27, 2018, 05:36:43 AM »
McKnight,

NONE of us can read the future. We have NO idea WHAT will happen to us or our Mid-Lifer. That is why the advice to "Live like they are not coming back" is important....

Living like they are not coming back means making the best possible life for you and your kids, period. It has NOTHING to do with your Mid-Lifer as she has chosen at this time to NOT be a part of the lives of you or your kids.In the event they don't come back, then you are already leading a life that is fulfilling and happy. If they DO come back, then you have the opportunity to decide if the version that returns is someone that you want to have  in your life and the lives of your kids.

Quote from: McKnight10
I really feel for her; what a lost, broken soul she is and she just cant see it.

True, they can't see it because they are so far into it that they can't see the big picture. they are focused on one thing and one thing only and that is getting their next shot of "happy," regardless of how. They can only see their self-created reality which includes blaming us for the ills of their lives and their world. Yes, we can have compassion for them, we can feel sorry for them but it is NOT our job to fix them and our compassion and sympathy needs to be tempered by the need to preserve our own emotional equilibrium. The entire codependence thing is that we adjust our moods, our emotional state to fit with theirs...

In other words, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy." but that no longer applies.  They have to do their own work and until they do, there is nothing that we can do so we need to therefore regain control of ourselves, deal with our own issues, and ensure that WE are happy and secure in our own lives, REGARDLESS of what the Mid-Lifer is doing/feeling.... The only one we have control over is ourselves....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #53 on: November 27, 2018, 02:25:21 PM »
Immsorry for your sadness. It is certainly the most painful experience I’ve ever had.  At the stage you are st Incoukdnt conceive of any other kind of life and I was Finding it difficult.  There was no way I was capable of ‘living as if’. I just couldn’t accept it and I didn’t believe it when people said I’d get better slowly.  I felt I would be the one who never recovered.

But they were right.  It takes a lot of time, but slowly we move toward health and wholeness.  I don’t think it can be rushed but it can probably be nurtured.  Unbelievable as it feels and although we are forever changed in some ways, contentment does come.  I hope it comes soon for you.


Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #54 on: November 27, 2018, 02:40:23 PM »
Thanks for all your words of support and encouragement.

I believe its such an unnecessary breakup and find life so hard without her.

I gain pleasure from friends, hobbies and interests;

there is simply nothing I can do anymore but live my own life and try to accept she is gone.


Offline Whyus

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #55 on: November 27, 2018, 10:36:49 PM »
I believe its such an unnecessary breakup and find life so hard without her.
I guess we all fell the same about this or we wouldnt be her would we? Our break ups were not normal, that is not how grown ups treat theyre loved ones. You cant Change who you are overnight.
I gain pleasure from friends, hobbies and interests;
Good man
there is simply nothing I can do anymore but live my own life and try to accept she is gone.
You got it mate
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Evermore

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #56 on: November 28, 2018, 03:57:22 PM »
Hi MK

I have recently seen your PM and will respond soon. Sorry, I've just been reading old threads rather than new ones (and not even writing in my own) trying to find comfort. This is because I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I am at the exact same place. The advice below is what I need to know. Because at the moment I feel like I'll never be happy again.

Immsorry for your sadness. It is certainly the most painful experience I’ve ever had.  At the stage you are st Incoukdnt conceive of any other kind of life and I was Finding it difficult.  There was no way I was capable of ‘living as if’. I just couldn’t accept it and I didn’t believe it when people said I’d get better slowly.  I felt I would be the one who never recovered.

But they were right.  It takes a lot of time, but slowly we move toward health and wholeness.  I don’t think it can be rushed but it can probably be nurtured.  Unbelievable as it feels and although we are forever changed in some ways, contentment does come.  I hope it comes soon for you.
« Last Edit: November 28, 2018, 03:59:10 PM by Evermore »
M: 48
H: 50
Married 19yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'.

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #57 on: November 28, 2018, 10:50:05 PM »
Hi MK

I have recently seen your PM and will respond soon. Sorry, I've just been reading old threads rather than new ones (and not even writing in my own) trying to find comfort. This is because I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I am at the exact same place. The advice below is what I need to know. Because at the moment I feel like I'll never be happy again.

Immsorry for your sadness. It is certainly the most painful experience I’ve ever had.  At the stage you are st Incoukdnt conceive of any other kind of life and I was Finding it difficult.  There was no way I was capable of ‘living as if’. I just couldn’t accept it and I didn’t believe it when people said I’d get better slowly.  I felt I would be the one who never recovered.

But they were right.  It takes a lot of time, but slowly we move toward health and wholeness.  I don’t think it can be rushed but it can probably be nurtured.  Unbelievable as it feels and although we are forever changed in some ways, contentment does come.  I hope it comes soon for you.

Good post, I totally agree.

I believe (and experienced it trough 2 divorces) that in every person there are all the healing mechanisms we need to first survive, then live as whole and happy again. What once is bleeding wound will inevitably become a scar one day. Pain will be never forgotten and should not, because it is part of what this life is all about! No one ever promised us that life would be easy and if it was we wouldn't have such a great moments here as well. So I believe healing is just what WILL happen, takes time which none of us can make run faster but every day in a process we all are in have it's meaning for the result. But to be in crisis, it is difficult or impossible to see, that's just how it is. That's why people that are telling day after day that you or whoever in crisis will be just fine are gold. There are days you would like to tell them to f**k off but they're important anyway.

To me the key for getting trough in every crisis in my life has been facing them, and that's what we all do here! Running away is the ONLY way to stop healing process and I believe that none of us are doing it, it is something that MLCers do. Trough the fire, not away from it, was one of my "power sentences" when my 1st D happened and I have followed the rule, at least tried to.

So MK and everyone else, you will be fine, believe it or not, I don't see a single moment of pain in vain.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #58 on: December 05, 2018, 04:11:49 PM »
My wife moved out 2.5 months ago; I now see the relationship was dead at BD; the day she said she had changed and no longer wanted a relationship. It took her 18months to go. There was nothing I could do; I watched my marriage slide down the drain and I probably helped her do it by resisting and trying to fix her. I fuelled her negative perception of me by doing all the wrong things and for that I blame myself.

So I live my life. I go to work, I come home, I spend time with my kids. I've been on vacation, climbed mountains, swam in the oceans and met some great people. I have more travelling planned and learning to enjoy my own company.

I've taken up new hobbies and played new sports. Learning how to ski; learning how to play golf. I'm spending time with friends and learning to live alone for the first time in 25yrs. I now enjoy the sound of an empty house as much as one full of kids.  I attend regular counselling and it helps.

and now, despite everything I do to gain pleasure and enjoyment, to stay connected to life, to stay engaged with my friends and to hold my head up high and realise my worth, I still fall down.

The bad days far outweigh the days I feel normal. I wonder if I will ever feel normal again. I question why I'm not good enough; I question if our marriage was ever real. I question if there is something wrong with me. I question if I will be ever able to trust another woman again.

I constantly think about my wife, constantly worry if she is ok; I miss her greatly. I torture myself with thoughts of her moving on and being with someone else, especially  now the Christmas party season is here; my thoughts, emotions and feelings are consumed with grief and I find there is no way out and I don't know how to move forward.

The pain isn't easing; I endure every minute of every day, going through the motions to keep my head held high and my chin up; I take the great words of wisdom and advice from forum members who have gone before me, but nothing eases the pain.

I turn into a mush of emotion after brief meetings with my wife and then the cycle starts again.

Offline Evermore

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #59 on: December 05, 2018, 05:06:11 PM »
My wife moved out 2.5 months ago; I now see the relationship was dead at BD; the day she said she had changed and no longer wanted a relationship. It took her 18months to go. There was nothing I could do; I watched my marriage slide down the drain and I probably helped her do it by resisting and trying to fix her. I fuelled her negative perception of me by doing all the wrong things and for that I blame myself.

So I live my life. I go to work, I come home, I spend time with my kids. I've been on vacation, climbed mountains, swam in the oceans and met some great people. I have more travelling planned and learning to enjoy my own company.

I've taken up new hobbies and played new sports. Learning how to ski; learning how to play golf. I'm spending time with friends and learning to live alone for the first time in 25yrs. I now enjoy the sound of an empty house as much as one full of kids.  I attend regular counselling and it helps.

and now, despite everything I do to gain pleasure and enjoyment, to stay connected to life, to stay engaged with my friends and to hold my head up high and realise my worth, I still fall down.

The bad days far outweigh the days I feel normal. I wonder if I will ever feel normal again. I question why I'm not good enough; I question if our marriage was ever real. I question if there is something wrong with me. I question if I will be ever able to trust another woman again.

I constantly think about my wife, constantly worry if she is ok; I miss her greatly. I torture myself with thoughts of her moving on and being with someone else, especially  now the Christmas party season is here; my thoughts, emotions and feelings are consumed with grief and I find there is no way out and I don't know how to move forward.

The pain isn't easing; I endure every minute of every day, going through the motions to keep my head held high and my chin up; I take the great words of wisdom and advice from forum members who have gone before me, but nothing eases the pain.

I turn into a mush of emotion after brief meetings with my wife and then the cycle starts again.

I'm in exactly the same position. So very hard at the moment.
M: 48
H: 50
Married 19yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #60 on: December 05, 2018, 05:21:58 PM »
The pain isn't easing; I endure every minute of every day, going through the motions to keep my head held high and my chin up; I take the great words of wisdom and advice from forum members who have gone before me, but nothing eases the pain.

I hope you take comfort knowing that we're ALLLL in the same, crappy boat!

Well....I do, anyway.  It was like an atom went off when I found this site, and the brilliant writings of RCR.  Whoa....this is CRAZY!  I didn't dream the past 17 years, nor my marriage....what has happened to me directly matches hundreds of others, too!

There are a few on this site that I think will prosper....gut instinct....and like my own situation, I'm hardly Nostradamus but it's just what I think :)
« Last Edit: December 05, 2018, 05:31:37 PM by megogirl »

Offline Acorn

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #61 on: December 05, 2018, 05:40:50 PM »
Quote
The pain isn't easing; I endure every minute of every day, going through the motions to keep my head held high and my chin up; I take the great words of wisdom and advice from forum members who have gone before me, but nothing eases the pain

First of all, I would like to say, ‘I understand’.  I have been there.  I didn’t think it was ever possible for the excruciating pain in my heart to calm down.  But it did... 

MK, you have made some important points.

1. You are ‘going through the motions to keep my head held high and my chin up’.

That’s the definition of Fake till you Make it.  It gives you a sense of achievement, a purpose and, frankly, it’s necessary for living.

2.  You are taking the words and advice from the experienced seriously.

That’s very important attitude and their words are the proverbial guiding light, and a mirror, too.  Keep listening to the vets.  They are very caring and put a lot of effort into helping others. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #62 on: December 06, 2018, 02:09:54 AM »
MK, I would echo everything Acorn says.
It is a tsunami. It breaks apart so many more things than just our marriage and leaves us beached and gasping.
Most of us as LBS go through our own stages I think. From flat on our face to stumbling while we 'fake it' to baby steps of faith that if we keep going it will get better but secretly fearing we will never find that elusive normal again. And all while dealing with aftershock waves and rubble and doubt and MLC hand grenades and rollercoasters.
Actually as I write that, gosh, no wonder it takes a long time to get up on our metaphorical feet again. It does take a tremdous amount of faith - whatever that means to you - to keep stepping forward when we're not at all sure where the steps are taking us and each step also often means letting go of things we want to hold on to.

But you are not alone.
And HS will keep reminding you that this happened to you but not because of you even though it is real and you have to find your own way through it.
And that you are no less capable or worthy of following the stumbling footsteps of others here who have walked in your shoes.

I don't know if you are a person of faith. Or if you know that anecdote about someone asking God why, in their darkest moments, there was only one set of footprints in the sand...and God says yup, that was when I was carrying you bc you couldn't walk any longer. I have had plenty of moments when that felt real to me, when I just had nothing left in me...and I think HS is a place where we take it in turns to carry each other for a little while just like that.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #63 on: December 06, 2018, 02:54:43 PM »
Kind, comforting words, thank you.

I'm not a great believer, but I've heard the anecdote before, yes. I feel like someone is carrying me; I'm not sure who. Minutes roll into hours, hours into days. Days into weeks etc.

I'm looking forward to going out running tomorrow and then a few drinks with friends.

Baby steps forward.

 

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