Author Topic: My Story Depression & MLC Pt3  (Read 1366 times)

Online Treasur

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My Story Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #20 on: October 23, 2018, 10:44:38 AM »
Love and friendship is one thing for me.
I enjoyed the love and intimacy we had, and it saddens me that it is lost, but I hope that there may be a different kind of relationship and love to come.
But marriage is a completely different kettle of fish for me now. And tbh, I married my h because of how I felt about him as an individual and I think like you Thunder that was more driven by him than me...we lived together for 6 years before and I was happy then too.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #21 on: October 23, 2018, 03:18:00 PM »
Quote
My marriage was very good, I thought anyway, up until it wasn't.

Same. Exactly the same. Two years ago, I was the best husband ever...plastered all over FB.

Feeling lonely tonight - kids not very well. Nobody to share the burden. Family home lots of work to keep tidy by myself.

Where is my wife? What is she doing? Is she ok? Is she missing me? What is she thinking? Is she happy now? Any regrets?

So many unanswered questions.

She doesnt want me in her life, so I have to stay out of it, which means minimal, limited, not initiated by me, contact, unless child related.

Keeping busy. Life goes on. Slowly learning to accept this life I never asked for.

Tough times.

Offline In the valley

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #22 on: October 23, 2018, 08:29:07 PM »
Mk, I know!  Facebook photos of the two of us and our family with many compliments up till almost the day mine file for D.  I went from husband to be proud of to controlling Ahole overnight.  I know its so tough.  Everything you experience you want to share with your former partner.  I was the same way.  Couldn't find pleasure in anything I did by myself.  Seemed completely overwhelmed by having responsibility for 100% of the household and my full-time job.  I had help from my parents and a friend at work.  Funny thing is if your spouse dies, you get time off work, people bring you meals and donate money.  When a spouse just leaves with no warning you have all the same responsibilities, bigger heartache I think( i can't say for sure), lawyer bills, and people tend to keep their distance. 

Try not to think about what she's thinking or doing.  Try to find something anything you can do to feel like you accomplished something.  Start small and soon the good feeling of doing something positive and productive will motivate you to do more.  If you can find some good friends or family to share your experiences with, that will reduce the urge to send to your W.  It seems horrible at first like you feel the bond you had breaking but after some time, its very welcome not to feel those urges.  I'm not that far along and still struggling with these things myself.   
M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #23 on: October 24, 2018, 05:46:36 AM »
Your questions sound very familiar MK. And as we don't have any answers, our mind (at least mine) tries to fill the holes, which creates assumptions and even expectations, which may not even be fully concious. That's why ItV:s advice trying to think of what she is doing and feeling as much as possible. Speaking about my own experience, thinking of what she is thinking or doing is the fastest way to let painful monkey braining to take over.

Stay strong mate.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online One day at a time

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #24 on: October 24, 2018, 10:29:58 AM »
Yep, I agree with Silver.. everytime I start asking myself those questions, I go into a downward spiral.. it's very normal but not at all helpful.. and the reality is that the answers don't matter, they decided NOT to be with us or part of our lives.. it sucks!

I know it's very hard but when those questions start coming to your head, try to stop yourself and find something to get busy with to distract you.. Something that gives you joy or like in the valley said, something that gives you a sense of accomplishment.. just to get you though that hour, that day..

It will get better my friend!
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017
BD2 - 22nd March 2018
H left home 11th May 2018 (my decision) - Moved in with parents
EA with someone 12,000 kms away!!
Trying very hard to let go...

Offline MKnight10Topic starter

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #25 on: October 28, 2018, 10:52:46 AM »
Another kids activity and another social encounter with the wife. Unfortunately winter is on its way, it was cold, wet and windy; the conversation wasn't as free flowing as last time.

She was very emotionally cold and distant; I felt more than usual. Very disinterested in my presence; happier talking to other parents.

Over an hour and a half, I became somewhat overwhelmed with emotion, that my once loving and affectionate wife was behaving like I was invisible and didn't matter.

I let this affect me and I made an excuse and left as soon as I could.

I thought I was getting stronger this week, having kept so busy. I turned to emotional mush inside, the minute I saw her.

I can't even take seeing her anymore; all the hurt comes back, along with all the desire, the physical longing .....the family in one place.

I need to limit text conversation even further and stop all meetings until I'm stronger. Are these normal feelings? To want to not see her even though I want her back? I was also considering selling my house and just disappearing. She is clearly done with me and as much as I want to be around my kids, its just to painful for me now.

When does all the pain stop?

Offline Thunder

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #26 on: October 28, 2018, 11:43:13 AM »
MK,

It takes awhile, just keep trying different things.  For instance yes, cut out as much as you can with texting or contact.

Sit away from her when you are at games.  You aren't expected to sit by her.  Sit with some other folks.  Ignore her.  Not that you can't say hello if you run into her, but keep walking along to your own seat.

You might even make some new friends who will have things in common.
I would bet there is more than one single father at these games.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline CrackedGranite

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #27 on: October 28, 2018, 12:44:48 PM »
Mk,

You are getting stronger, don't doubt that!!  Maybe not as quickly as you'd like, but stronger all the same.

All those emotions are normal, at least for me, and I get the just wanting to disappear for awhile.

As always Thunder is spot on with "just keep trying different things".  I'd add, "especially those things that make YOU feel better".

Online FromAbroad

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #28 on: October 29, 2018, 02:27:40 AM »
Really can relate to you MK.

I also am in the position where I rather just don't want to see her anymore. I still love her and would like to see the R restored. But atm I feel much better not seeing her than having to deal with the alternate version of my W. I also hated the indifference my W was showing a lot of times. Just the fact they treat you like you are nobody to them. Like they don't care at all. I hate Monster (which I get a lot), but at least monster shows there is still some feelings inside.

The wanting to disappear is also something that crosses my mind a lot. If it wasn't for the kids I would have been gone to and it would have been a full NC for me.

I hope that for the both of us it does get better soon. Today I have a really bad day myself where I just don't see the point of it all. Getting up and not having anyone to say good morning to. Not seeing your kids all day. Trying to GAL, but all it does atm is filling a void, it doesn't feel genuine. It's tough mate. But day by day, step by step we will get there.
M 39
W 37
D12 D5
15Y Marriage

08-2017 BD1 - ILYBINILWY speech, OM which she knew for 1 week and had seen for just 1 hour
11-2017 - Moved back in
05-2018 BD2 - Seeing OM again.
06-2018 - I leave the house

No D up untill now, but soon will be I guess.
Still standing

Offline Silver

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt3
« Reply #29 on: October 29, 2018, 04:20:57 AM »
Yep, what you feel is very normal MK. Seeing her hurts so much bc she is not the same person she once was. They are going trough change, that's what it is all about in the end. What is more important imo is how you feel without her. If you can focus anything else, feel you are stronger even occasionally, trusting that you will survive and after that, even live a good life regardless of her choices, then you know you are progressing. I was really in pain seeing my xW after it came imminent she actually will leave me. Every time she was absent I felt better, stronger, and her move out was a really important turning point to me. To me the most difficult thing in addition to trying accept that OM is part of my children's other family now, was letting go desire to change everything back how it was before MLC. I can't, you can't, none of us can. Anything may still happen but what once was is no more and that's it. Sorry my friend but that's the truth. It takes time to leave denial of that.

I was told that 'the day she BD:d me was the day our relationship as it was, was over'.
I really didn't want to hear that and denied that for months. But I know now it is the truth.

Stay strong mate.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

 

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