Author Topic: My Story The Story Continues- Fear Not!  (Read 2029 times)

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
My Story The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« on: October 22, 2018, 10:00:28 AM »
Previous thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10222.150

Apparently time for another thread! I'm sadly lacking in creativity so no inspirational quote or song! Lol.

Short refresher- October 31 will be the date that I first heard "I'm unhappy." I honestly can't believe that it has almost been a year since I heard those words and lived the whirlwind that followed. I never would've thought that I would could feel my life being normal again...not being filled with apprehension, angst and fear. Today... no fear, and not only do I feel more than normal, I feel like this really had to happen to get things back into alignment. I feel joy, happiness, normalcy at living la vida limbo, and that I am getting right with myself. I've learned that I can control very little, and that was a difficult lesson for me. I lost sight of myself and put my identity in my H and it was time to change that. And yes of course, sadness that H is still doing his thing.

For me this journey has led me back to my faith and I am so glad that it did. The change that has made in me is monumental. Not only has it shifted my focus regarding my marriage, but it has changed my outlook on my life in all aspects. I can honestly say I have had more than my fair share of prayers answered on this journey and I am glad that I am able to make the changes in myself that were needed!

Where are things at today?

The day after Thanksgiving I heard from my MIL. She texted to see how I was  :). I was happy to hear from her, and really wasn't expecting it. We had a brief chat via text and it was nice to know I was still on their minds.

Last weekend I spent the day with my SIL. She invited me to go to a Christian Conference and it was really good. We had a good time and had a rather interesting chat about H and the OW. Apparently the OW is into witchcraft and shared a vision she had for SIL. That apparently wasn't well received! H couldn't have picked anyone crazier or the exact opposite of myself!! I'd be lying if I didn't say I don't find that concerning. SIL has decided to distance herself as she feels like H is just using her and said some nasty stuff at Thanksgiving. His parents are quite concerned about his well being. My answer to all this...prayers... there is nothing else I can do.

House is still for sale, I had hoped for the worst realtor ever... I got him! Long story short, he wanted us to buy some stupid insurance (changed our MLS listing saying that without getting an ok from us) that was supposed to cover our arse on our deck being to big, which is a complete waste of money and will do nothing to solve that issue. He also suggested we drop the price 35K. Lol. It's going on 2 weeks that H and I were to discuss this. Still hasn't happened  :D. Although H did agree the insurance was a farce via text. Price hasn't been dropped since the beginning (we still haven't had the discussion from the first price drop the realtor suggested a month ago). Realtor messaged about a showing last weekend and I gave him the "what for" about his ludicrous insurance idea. Told him not to change anything unless we both agree to it and we would let him know. I screens shot the messages and sent to H to keep in the loop. Just so happens he was away that weekend with OW for her 40th Bday... whoops... sorry to interrupt the fun with a little reality check. He actually answered within a few hours and said thanks!! ???

Last week I heard from H 3 days in a row via text... nothing to do with the house. Monday I was at home with a migraine, he messaged about picking up the "bartenders tool" which is just a kitchen gadget that he's never used before so I didn't give it too him. I was sleeping and messaged back a couple hours later saying he could pick it up but he was already on the road.

Tuesday he messaged to see if the golf course we live on was still open (they have a fb page and website that would tell him that)? I told him yes, there were peeps still on it. He said he had passes to use and was going to  try go the following day. We had a nice convo about golf, he asked if I was in the tourney they were holding on the weekend (it's one we have always planned to go in but the weather is usually crap). I told him I hadn't been aware it was this weekend and no, and asked if he was. He said he doubted it. So I took a chance here... I replied, "well let me know if you change your mind, I'll be your partner any day!" I fully expected venom and rage about not letting go... ruining his life, keeping his house.. I got back "Sounds good" with a smiley emojii! I dang near fell out of my chair! Lol.

Wednesday I messaged to see if he got the tee time. This is the first time I have messaged without a reason. He said he was going to try walking on as a single. Later in the day he messaged to say he showed up and they were all booked and wanted to pick up the gadget. I told him to go ahead and feel free to hang out on the deck, as it was a beautiful day. Told him to help himself to the rum on the shelf. Said he'd take me up on that offer, hung out for about 40 mins, never had a drink (which was really strange for him) and peaced out. I had asked earlier if he was able to book for another day, told me it was his only "window of opportunity" although he mentioned the day before work was really slow and he wasn't going to be away much in the next while. ??? I haven't heard from him since.

I've been doing well, been making wreaths, hanging out with my cousin, squeezed in another round of golf and hockey season is here, so I am entertained!!

So far so good...Some positive moments, and prayers answered! I'm getting the feeling H might not be in a huge rush to sell this house  ??? I certainly won't be initiating conversations about it!! Lol.

Hugs and Prayers,
FN

 
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1911
  • Gender: Male
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #1 on: October 22, 2018, 10:11:58 AM »
Following along FN. 
You sound good. Keep it up.

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2018, 10:45:48 AM »
A few positives there. 

Thanks for updating. 

Lower the price by $35k...OMG..go away little man.   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1156
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2018, 10:59:32 AM »
Coming along for the next part of your journey Fear. You are sounding absolutely amazing to be so fresh in.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online One day at a time

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 461
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2018, 01:24:19 PM »
Following along FN! I'm glad you got the worst realtor that you hoped for  ;)
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #5 on: October 26, 2018, 11:35:52 AM »
Thank you all for joining me!

Happy Friday! I can finally say that again! Every Friday I used to get hit by something from H. That has changed in the last couple months. Today he actually submitted a medical receipt for me  ::). Baby steps.

H has been a little panicked because the realtor is pressing him on this price drop. Awhile ago that would've brought tears and panick that H was freaking about this. That there was pressure. I told him I'd look on the weekend and let him know.  I don't think it would even be on his mind if this clown would just leave him alone. H sent the comparison reports to me from the realtor... good thing we legalized weed here, because I think that realtor is having his fair share. He is totally out to lunch with his comparisons, but the bright side is, it makes it easy to rationalize with H that we don't need to be drastic. We are priced where we are supposed to be. No one is buying...that's the problem. One house sold in October!The Realtor messaged me about a showing and asking if we had chatted yet as well. I said yes to the showing, I just received the documents, and we will get in touch with you once we have made a decision. Thanks. I screen shot the messages and sent to H to keep him in the loop. He was happy about the showing. My guess..another realtor wasting 8 mins of my time  ;).

On a positive note we have been communicating every other dayish!?!? Which is huge. This is the first time in a long while where I know I am only getting answers from H. The OW is no longer writing his messages for him.  :D. The grapevine told me that OW posted she dreamed H was swimming with sharks, made sure to tag him and made it public of course... My first thought was... she can swim? Then... is she aware that she is the shark? Had a good laugh about it.

Work is good, it's Friday, it's a nice day and looking forward to the weekend. Everyday I see the little and big things that God is doing in my life and my H's and I am so thankful. I am excited about the changes I feel in myself. That there is no fear, no panick, it will get handled. My hair has stopped falling out, I am able to exercise again. My head and heart feel like they are in a good place and aligned!!I never would've thought I could have a normal light hearted conversation with him a few months ago. I don't feel like I might vomit or cry every time a message pops up from H. Every time his name pops up on my phone, I feel hope.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #6 on: October 26, 2018, 12:31:06 PM »
Everything seems to be rollin' along just fine.

Hope you enjoy your weekend, Fear.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2168
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #7 on: October 26, 2018, 08:57:55 PM »
Attaching   :)
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Shelly7435

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 713
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #8 on: October 27, 2018, 06:20:25 AM »
Attaching
M 52
H 47
M 12 years; together 17 years
D17, S27
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline stillbaffled

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4126
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #9 on: October 27, 2018, 08:48:30 AM »
FN - sounds like you are coping pretty well. 

Will be thinking of you this week on the 31st.  I'm betting you will look back over the year and be quite surprised at how far you've come since that BD. 

I did chuckle when I read your comment about legalizing marijuana - several of my students want to move to Canada because they think your country has it all together now that marijuana is legal there! 

Are you selling the wreaths? 

I also enjoy watching hockey. 

Still traveling along with you, FN. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #10 on: October 29, 2018, 07:59:31 AM »
Hey FW, Shelly, SB <waving> thanks for coming along for the ride!

SB- You are quite right! I think I will look back and see how far I have come! The dread that I once had for that day isn't as predominate anymore.

I do sell my wreaths on buy and sell pages. I just recently created a FB page for them  :).

Do you a team your root for?

As for the legalization..Our country having it together. BAHAHAHA! I'm not even going to get started on that!  The misconception that you now can show up to work/school high, because it's legal?!? Lol... you can't go to work/school drunk...  you can't drive high/drunk...same thing, eh!  ;) It's ridiculous really.

Update:
The weekend was good. Nothing super exciting. Hockey watching and wreath making... with a little prosecco here and there!

I had told H that I would message him once I went through the stuff from the realtor this weekend. Today, I was thinking perhaps I should just leave it... see if he contacts me and pushes the issue!?!?! The longer I drag it out the better  ;D. It's not in my nature to ignore things, and it's tough to do. I feel guilty about not keeping my word. That sounds silly when I say that though, when I think of the whole situation. Lol.

Tonight my cousin and I are going to head to my moms to pick some stuff up. I haven't been there since Christmas when I found the texts on H phone. I feel pretty ok with it. I am glad I am going with her, we won't have a lot of time to spend there which is good. Just a little worried about dealing with my Stepdad since he doesn't know the situation due to his dementia. Luckily he will be leaving to go play crib shortly after we arrive. I did plan it that way!!

Well, that's it for now. Guess we'll see what the rest of the week brings!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN




M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #11 on: October 29, 2018, 08:35:44 AM »
I guess I'm just smiling because it is almost November already.  Probably nothing would happen now until next year.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #12 on: October 30, 2018, 10:04:06 AM »
Thunder- It does seem that way doesn't it! I am grateful that I am still there  ;D.

Update

So went to my mom's last night. It was more difficult than I anticipated. Today is a rough one. I didn't really think it would hit me that hard, but standing there in the same space, just made me go right back to that moment discovering the texts and confronting him. It was sickening and heartbreaking all over again. Today I am weepy and overtired which doesn't help the cause. I know I will bounce back, it's a temporary feeling, just sucks to feel it.  :( Sucks to be reminded.

This morning H contacted me about the price drop. I asked if he had gotten the info that we required from the town yet... in true MLC fashion... of course not. Supposed to be later this week. He suggested a price drop, I suggested meeting to discuss because I really don't agree with his number, and he isn't looking at the facts. His response was he wasn't sure what meeting would accomplish, possibly could meet tomorrow (I'm a sucker for punishment meeting on the very eve of when this whole demise began), but would let me know later tonight. Must need to get permission to stay out after work tomorrow. ;). I'm guessing it will fall through. The rest of the week I wont' have time. Scored tickets to the hockey game on Thursday... priorities  ;D. I am taking Friday off and giving myself a long weekend, that won't include dealing with this.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN

M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online One day at a time

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 461
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #13 on: October 31, 2018, 05:01:17 AM »
I'm sorry to hear you are weepy, I have been going through the same so I know how it feels.. the little reminders are hard but you'll get through it. The positive side of this is that now you have been at your mom's already. That was probably hanging over you all this time but now it's done. Next time will be easier.. I decided to give myself a long weekend too, we deserve it!  ;)
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #14 on: October 31, 2018, 05:32:24 AM »
Or you could do what someone else is doing, say ok you will lower the price but he would need to agree to lower his amount of the proceeds by that much because you need the full price amount.

 ;D 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #15 on: October 31, 2018, 08:50:16 AM »
Or you could do what someone else is doing, say ok you will lower the price but he would need to agree to lower his amount of the proceeds by that much because you need the full price amount.

 ;D 
Lol...Valid point  :D

One day- <hugs> it sucks to feel that way. You are right though, it has been hanging over me and needed to be done. Cheers to a long weekend!

Update

H is not allowed out to have a discussion today. Lol. Gave me the price he wanted to drop to. I wrote back and said "unfortunately we are not in agreement on that. Please let me know when your schedule allows for a discussion regarding this. Happy Halloween." I haven't had a response. Guess well see if he finds time or not. Lol. Frankly... my "give a damn" seems a little broken today. I didn't expect to feel so irritated by this, but I am REALLY IRRITATED. Maybe it 's this crap, maybe it's the idea of a year ago was the beginning of the wheels falling off...either way I feel like I have some misplaced anger that I might need to find an outlet for!! >:( Bright side, one more sleep until the hockey game... then a long weekend. I can do it!!

Happy Halloween HS Peeps!
Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #16 on: October 31, 2018, 09:05:17 AM »
He's not allowed out today.  LOL!!!  Sucks to be him.

I hope you have a great week-end!    :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #17 on: October 31, 2018, 10:32:55 AM »
Thunder -Lol it sure does suck to be him!!

He pushed back with wanting me to drop the price, time is ticking, missing opportunities , blah, blah, blah(pretty sure the text had some input from OW, funny how easy it is to spot her voice in things) Said if we met we'd only argue, blah blah blah. I wrote back that..

I have no intention of arguing and that I have proven just that in the last 9 months by my actions. $16k drop is not a a small reduction and unfortunately I don't agree. Let me know when your ready to have an adult conversation about this and have the information from the town. It's not just your life that is affected by your decisions and I am not doing it via text.

H answer- He wasn't saying I was uncooperative, we just have different opinions about what our home is worth in this market. The decisions do affect both of us and that why he is trying to be patient and cooperative as well. As soon as he has the info from the town we can get together.

I really didn't expect H to back down so quickly. Now to wait and see if he really is motivated to go to the town.  ::) It's going on a month already for that. I'll just keep praying for more delays. Time is my friend.

Today I really didn't want to push back. I thought that he might monster at me and I just didn't want to deal with it. I am glad that I held my ground. It is a little harder to push back when H has been normal to some degree and I haven't had to face the rage and venom. Unfortunately, I think he may have to face a little of that from OW when/if he ever mans up to meet or lets her know her/their bullying tactic didn't work.  ;D Beat it bully's... I have zero time for you! Funny thing...he didn't wish me Happy Halloween back. Makes me wonder if he remembers what transpired on this day!?!? I know last year on this day, I started jumping through every hoop I could find, and morphing myself into what I thought I needed to be for him. None of it worked. Today a year later, I stood up for myself, for a decision that is best for me, even though fear tried to take over. It sucked and it was difficult but I feel a real sense of strength and hope from it. Fear is a liar!!

Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

Hugs N Prayers,
FN



« Last Edit: October 31, 2018, 10:34:24 AM by FearNot »
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #18 on: October 31, 2018, 12:19:28 PM »
Love the verse, Fear!  So perfect! 

Are you taking lesson from Df on how to be bad@ss?  ha ha
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #19 on: November 06, 2018, 08:25:04 AM »
Thunder- I have learned from the very best on this site!! Lol Df included!!

Funny thing about the verse. I came across it early in my stand. A few months ago my mom brought me some stuff that was my grandmothers (she passed 30 years ago) and low and behold there was a little plaque in there, with that verse. It now is on my bathroom vanity and I see it every morning!! Another God-incidence!!

Update:

Hockey game was awesome on Thursday! Row 6 and we won 4-0!! Woo! Had Friday off and the weather was crap here so it was nice not to have to go to work. Took the day to do very little. Sunday night went to a worship service with SIL and it was really good.

H messaged back last Wednesday saying he spoke to the town. To rectify our situation it will involve a fine of $550 (that's on his tab... not mine  :) ) and a bunch of paperwork. As well he required to get info from the fellow who built our deck who is notoriously slow at getting anything done!! Yay! I responded. Thanks for the update...haven't heard from him since. No news is good news!! No showings either  ;D.

In other news, I've met a number of people via my cousin from all different walks. She has a very eclectic friend group and it has been a lot of fun. One of these people is a fellow who has been in the process of divorcing for 5 years... dated internationally and got a girl pregnant on his first visit to meet, says he's trying to get her and the child here from the Ukraine blah, blah, blah. All I pretty much heard was "I have MLC and no responsibilities." Don't get me wrong...nice enough guy... BUT. My cousin has known him since grade school. She had told him a little about my sitch. We've hung out in a group a few times. He's asked me what my deal is and why I am waiting around for my H, I just went with " I'm not waiting on anyone  and I don't believe in divorce." That worked for awhile.

Dude messaged last night and figured we should just chat sometime. At my convenience and wherever I would like to go, and just as friends of course  ;) ;). We're both separated etc (seems to have forgotten about the gf).  That my answer I gave him though plausible, is probably the "denial" part of my separation which is masquerading as "grief". He has a tough exterior but would like to open up, we can see how that goes?!?!?! So I waited to reply until this morning. Pro's, good looking, fit, good conversationalist, witty, watches hockey. Cons.... MLC, Wife and GF. Hmmm which way should I go. Lol. So I laid it on the line. Told him I was standing for my marriage, a decision that I made due to my belief in God and what His will is for my marriage. So instead of thinking I am in denial...you can now think of me as a Jesus freak  :). Thanks for the offer. You're welcome to continue to hang out with my cousin and I. Exchanged a few more messages, perhaps I have "control issues"  ::), don't always have to be right  ::) and ended with he wants to send me an e book that he thinks I should read and the offer remains open, he's not going anywhere (weird... shouldn't you be planning a trip to the Ukraine?) Told him go ahead send the book, hooked on phonics worked for me. I'm literate. I am awaiting said book now, he's going to be waiting a long time for me to take him up on his offer.  I'll let you know what the book is. Lol.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #20 on: November 06, 2018, 08:40:42 AM »
Interesting.   ;D

Let us know what the book is all about. 

It's kind of nice to have some positive male attention though, even if it goes no where.
You still got it!  You're H better be careful.  ha ha
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 7133
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #21 on: November 06, 2018, 09:35:22 AM »
<snort>

You could return the favor and send him the "Backpackers Guide to the Ukraine," a copy of the immigration laws where you are located... and a gift certificate for a package of Pampers...

All he needs now is a red convertible, gold chains and open shirt....



Sorry, I know I am on my way to Hades for that but geez..... A big red sign flashing "MLC" couldn't have been much clearer....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #22 on: November 07, 2018, 10:36:48 AM »
Thunder- Yes the validation to know that you still got it is good, even if it is another MLC'er.

UM- I literally laughed out loud at that!! In my province red convertible = big dodge truck - check! No chains/open shirt yet...but they could still appear!
See you in Hadez because there was no way you can't not laugh at that!! Well done! <Loud Slow Claps>

Update:

So on the same day that I am receiving the self help book from dude, H finally has time to meet up to discuss price drop. He would like to do lunch ( MLC translation- I don't want my GF to know that I am actually meeting you) but the rest of his week has opened up. I decided I am not answering him right away or maybe even until the end of the week. He can thank "dude" for that, since I started reading the book that was sent prior to H's message! The book I received was:

Codependent No More- How to Stop Control by Melody Beattie ( he was kind enough to send the .pdf copy, if some one wants it I can email it to you... if that's ok with moderators? I would post it but have no clue or if that's allowed?

So, I started reading it and realized it actually had some very valid information, and truth be told... hit a little too close to home. So much so that I was super uncomfortable that dude pegged me from 2 short conversations and a couple texts. On the other side... it probably came from his wife. ::)

All joking aside, reading about detachment and how it was broken down in there was really good for me. Hence my decision to not jump for H regarding meeting this week. I have always responded in a very timely manner unless it was monstering. It may take H a week to respond to me but I would respond within the same day, if not within hours. Previously the excuse of the app not working was really common for H. I decided that I don't have to jump for this. I don't have to respond until I am actually comfortable responding. I don't want this and therefore truly don't have to make it that easy for him. Previously , and the book kinda 2X4 with this... I realized I responded in a very timely manner because I was still afraid that if I didn't, that would influence the outcome of our R. It's not going to... This is truly not up to me. I've spouted that, tried to live it to a certain degree, but somehow yesterday, it kinda took my breath out of me and made me really contemplate the "why" of my reactions etc. Also gave me a little insight into a number of other issues that I recognized in myself but have kind of tried to only address on the surface. I honestly can't make the changes I need to in me, until I really own up to them.

 So a little thanks (ok big thanks) goes to dude for the book. I am about half way through and I honestly have to say... I think it was another God-incidence that book ended up in my email. It is difficult to read due to the self reflection that is actually needed. I thought I had done a lot of that, and to some degree I have. This is just making me dig a little deeper with some of the things that went on in my marriage, my past, even how I approach my faith and God's ideas of me.  :-\ But I guess it was time to get a little down and dirty with this stuff.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 7133
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #23 on: November 07, 2018, 10:45:28 AM »
FN,

From a Mods point of view, since the book is copyrighted material, posting it would be a violation of Copyright laws so a clear No-Go.

If someone were to PM you and share their e-mail address, well.... That is then YOUR beer.....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online One day at a time

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 461
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #24 on: November 07, 2018, 11:47:29 AM »
<snort>

You could return the favor and send him the "Backpackers Guide to the Ukraine," a copy of the immigration laws where you are located... and a gift certificate for a package of Pampers...

All he needs now is a red convertible, gold chains and open shirt....



Sorry, I know I am on my way to Hades for that but geez..... A big red sign flashing "MLC" couldn't have been much clearer....
Priceless!!!!!!



That sounds like an interesting read FN... I could probably do with something like that! It's interesting how certain things come into our lives at the right time. I do the timely responses as well.. Sometimes I try to delay it but I actually feel bad and guilty if I don't get back to him.. I don't know why that is..

I just read the description of the book in Google Books
Is someone else's problem your problem? If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to someone else's, you may be codependent-and you may find yourself in this book-Codependent No More.

I'm already sold  ;D
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #25 on: November 07, 2018, 11:55:32 AM »
UM- 10-4! Thank you! I thought that might be the case!
Every time I see that meme... I can't help but chuckle.

One Day- I hadn't read the description... Yikes!! Nailed it.

M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #26 on: November 08, 2018, 08:19:36 AM »
Journaling/Update

So as of this morning I haven't replied to H's text to meet this week. H messaged again last night wondering if I got and then forwarded a message from our realtor who wanted to know if we had talked yet. This morning H messaged again, using the app that we used to always use (you can see when read). I can't really tell what it says, but don't plan on opening it right away or even today. I can honestly say this is the first time that I am truly not worried that my actions are not going to cause the downfall of all things, if I don't answer. I am not concerned that I am letting H down or the realtor or anyone else for that matter. I feel like I can breathe.

Journaling part...
As I've been working my way through this book I feel like a bit of a Pandora's box has opened, but in a positive way. It has certainly given way for a lot of self reflection and "ah-ha" moments. Things I thought I tucked away nicely, and dealt with...not so much. FOO issues...yup.

I grew up without my dad. I tried to have a relationship with him in my early 20's and it really wasn't successful. I spent the first part of my life painting a pic of what I thought he was, and I was going to make him great!! My mom never said anything crappy about him and tried to protect me from his antics. When I finally started to forage my own R with him, it didn't take long for me to realize that he really wasn't the man that I had imagined him to be. Long story short.. I distinctly recall the details of 2 very vivid conversations with him that slapped me upside the head and made me realize who he really was, I cut off communication with him. I didn't know how to deal with what he had said to me, or how to stand up for myself (or my mother for that matter) because I wanted so desperately for him to approve and love me. Less than 6 months later he was killed in a car accident. 20 years later, I have been able to deal with the guilt etc of what happened. I learned of the real good he did in this world at his funeral. I spent the next years separating and processing all of that to finally come to the point, where I know that he was a good man in many ways, but he was a terrible father and husband. Those things don't make him all bad. Good people do really $h!tety things. Tied that package up nicely.

Now, I have a little insight that those things really affected my marriage. I see now that when my H took a job working away, I slowly began to feel like I was abandoned all over again. I shut my feelers off and proceeded to try make a perfect life for us. I gave up my friends, my family, anything that might cut into my time with H to try and make H's life perfect. I took on all the responsibilities of the home, I put my health on the back burner, I worked longer hours to contribute more financially...not because he asked me too. Because I so desperately wanted him to appreciate and love me, and in my mind him taking the job working away equated to the exact opposite, and if I could just do these perfect enough. All would be well. Not knowing that with every load of laundry, every mowing of the lawn, every lunch I made him, every vitamin I set out for him, every errand I ran, every date I broke with a girlfriend, every time I turned my mom down coming for a visit to accommodate  "our" life, I was adding another block of resentment to the wall. Don't get me wrong... I felt happy. I had no idea that I what I was doing was so detrimental. I had no idea that I even felt that way. We had a lot of fun together, we have done a lot of awesome things, we had great conversations, but the change that was taking place in me was so subtle. 6 years of H working away... I finally said it out loud to him, a year before he walked out. Today I realize how it all played a part and I know now that there are some significant changes I need to make. There's way more that has dawned on me as well, but I'll save that for another day.

I'll interrupt these thoughts for a moment... H just emailed me at work, wondering if I have changed my phone number?!??! He messaged on Tuesday and it's Thursday... Did I get his messages. This is almost fun... is that wrong? I feel zero anxiety at not answering.

Anyways, back to it.  I truly feel like this book was put in my hands at just the right moment. Had it been a few months ago. I know I would not have been receptive. These are changes that I have to make within myself and realizations that I need to work through, because if I don't, I will walk the exact same path that I have been on. What freedom there is in knowing there is an alternate route that will bring me closer to God and truly heal the brokenness and I can become a better daughter, wife, friend, co worker etc. Praise the Lord for journals and gel pens!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #27 on: November 08, 2018, 08:48:49 AM »
Sounds like you found that book just at the right time!  You're starting to understand more now.

I like how you are thinking.
You're busy, sorry didn't get your msgs.  (2 days later)  lol
« Last Edit: November 09, 2018, 08:45:09 AM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #28 on: November 09, 2018, 08:41:50 AM »
Thunder-Thanks! Yes I certainly did. It feels like someone literally turned the lights on.  ;D

Update:
I finally answered H yesterday. Told him I could meet Tues, Wed, Thurs after work. Let me know. I got an immediate response that Tuesday would work. He would be off at 3,  he's usually not done until 4:30!?!?! Told him I am working my usual see you after 4. H is apparently stopping by the house today to measure the deck and go to the town. Seems to have a very flexible schedule as of late, not sure how that happened. Lol. We no sooner, agreed to meet, then the realtor messaged about a showing today at 3. I sent it to H. He was super happy and hopeful. I didn't bother replying. God seems to have the perfect timing, to always have a showing right when H need to cool his jets!! I finally opened the message in our app we use and it was asking if I changed my number or if I was "Choosing" to ignore his messages. ;D. Oh I'm not ignoring your messages... I'm choosing not to answer right away  ::). Kept that to myself though.

Journaling

So I had passed on the book to my mom. I speak with her everyday on my commute home. She began reading it and we've had some interesting conversation about it. One of the first things she said to me was that she was so sorry that she screwed me up so bad, and so sad that I have to go through this. It made my heart hurt. I told her this isn't her fault. She's going to end up with her own pile of doo-doo from it too wade through. Yes, reading through those pages and all the things I need to address/change/relate to etc. bring up sadness and hurt. But the really cool thing is that I feel such hope, relief and excitement to finally understand, and I hope she finds that too.

One of the things that I learned while reading was that I attach my feeling to my morals and values. What I mean by that, is when I "feel" something, I automatically "think"  it is part of my morals/values. So when I have thoughts that are negative/bad/ impure... whatever you want to call it, I tend to shut it down immediately because of how I relate that. I feel like if I allow myself to actually "feel "that way, that is "who I become", which is not the case at all. I have to chose the behavior and put that feeling into action before it would directly affect my morals and values. So I just avoid those feelings all together. Not sure if that makes any sense. Lol Little twisty. I have to learn that I can have these feelings, the good, the bad, the ugly, but it is not who I am. It is not my identity. I don't have to punish myself continually because I felt something that seemed inappropriate to what I believe. It's human nature. It's going to happen. It also makes me realize I have to learn to trust myself. That I can make good decisions, I do have a brain and can think. My opinion matters. It matters a lot, especially to me, and I can voice it. Just because it may not align with someone else's idea, I don't need to tippy toe around, terrified because of what feelings I  might invoke in them, and therefore become responsible for how they feel. It's just not the case. I don't have the ability to control how they feel, and they are allowed to feel whatever they want. It's certainly going to take some work to really truly put this into play. Every little step makes me realize and truly believe more and more that God does have a plan. I "know" that but I think it's finally sinking in that I "believe" it through and through. Man... Damn "feelers".

Happy Friday HS peeps!
Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #29 on: November 09, 2018, 08:51:17 AM »
Very nice post, Fear.   :)

You got this.  Your opinion matters and should be heard.  Has a nice ring to it.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #30 on: November 11, 2018, 01:48:52 PM »
First off and most importantly...Thank you to all those those who have served and are no longer with us, those who have served and are still with us, and those who are serving now, for fighting for our freedom.

Update/Journaling

Not much to really update on. The realtor finally sent feedback about our last showing. Our home shows beautifully  ??? (I guess empty and echoe-y really does it justice) price is high because there is so many "cheap" homes on the market. :o . Okaaaayy...for sure there is  and they are smaller, older,  without the same level of finishing and in a totally different area. I think he needs a lesson in comparing apples to apples! I didn't send the message to H and wanted to see if he received it as well. It was only minutes before H forwarded the message to me. Told him "Thanks" and left it at that. Got an immediate response of No problem (guess he's not as buy as he once was where it took days to respond, if he responded at all). My gut tells me it's the realtor trying to push us with the price. When confronting him face to face a few weeks ago about feedback he had nothing really, nobody had anything to say out of the other 8 showings when it did have furniture and everything wasn't covered in snow. The showing lasted 9 minutes from the door opening to closing. Some how I don't really think it was that serious of a viewing, no realtor cards left behind (that' only happened twice and both of those lasted 20 to 30 minutes). We have had a number of those where they are in and out in minutes. Somehow, I think if you were really interested in it and it was a consideration, you would take a little time..like maybe 12 minutes lol. I feel like the majority of those are just other realtors checking out the property. Can't wait to discuss it with H on Tuesday lol. Only God knows what it really was.

Today I was watching a Steven Furtick video and he made the statement "The danger of isolation is much greater than the risk of intimacy". That has been ringing around in my brain. When I think of how I started to resent H being away and the dynamics of our relationship started it's oh so subtle shift...the intimacy between us started to change. Not only on a physical level and I would probably say in an ever greater way, emotionally. Here I am today realizing exactly how "dangerous" that was. I am not saying it is all my fault. MLC would have most likely taken place regardless, but for me personally, I started to isolate myself. Not just in my marriage, but also in my friendships. I quit making time for everybody except H in an effort to forage the intimacy that was ebbing by making myself available 24/7 to accommodate, not realizing where the breakdown was really occurring and thinking that if we had more "time" together it would make up for that bond that was disintegrating. In doing that I also lost the intimacy that I shared with my closest friends. Fortunately, my closest peeps didn't write me off because of it, and I can now work on that.

One of the other realizations I have come to is that I hadn't forgiven myself for decisions that I made in my past that went against my morals and values.  I truly feel like I am able to forgive H, I have forgiven my dad, and many others in my life, for many things. Extending that grace to others is much easier than extending it to myself.  I know that God forgives me, and I believe that and accept , but I didn't forgive myself. The giant bag of bad decision boulders has been hefted over my shoulder for a long time. It's time to put that weighty bag down. In my head, those $h!tety choices became my identity (with all the other cray cray stuff) because I didn't forgive myself and let them go. That is something that I am working on. I find it mind boggling that I never realized that before. As sad as it makes me feel, there is a huge sense of relief and excitement from identifying this crap, knowing I now have ability to really change and grow in all areas. Forgiveness is not just for everybody else. I thank God for bringing me to this place where I can heal and move forward.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #31 on: November 13, 2018, 07:13:28 AM »
Today is the day of the big "drop the price of the house" chat. I feel pretty good about it. Just praying that my emotions don't get the better of me by way of snippiness or tears. On Sunday afternoon H messaged asking if  I had his Souray jersey or if he lost it (they really have no clue about things). I waited until the morning (first I wore it to watch the hockey game that night and was sure to wear my best perfume) and then messaged bright and early so it could be the first words he read that day. I told him yes I did have it. We had had a conversation where you said you were going to re-crest it to Kassian and I told you it was sacrilegious and you don't do that to players. Especially good players because your jumping on the new player bandwagon. I then moved it to MY side of the closet and put it in my jersey rotation and told you so. His reply.."That makes sense." I sent back a smile. End of convo. It makes me wonder if he thinks I'll show up with it today. cuz I'm not!! If he had asked for it flat out I would gladly return that perfume laden jersey  ;D. But as of right now it's going no where!  ;D
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online One day at a time

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 461
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #32 on: November 13, 2018, 07:37:46 AM »
haha that was an interesting conversation about the jersey!! Those are the little moments that were part of the long years you were together.. and OW will NEVER have that!!!

Best of luck with your "drop the price" conversation.. I know I worry as well about my emotions but we are strong!! You got this  ;)
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #33 on: November 13, 2018, 07:59:41 AM »
I'm laughing about the perfume on the jersey.
When I moved out I left a bathrobe I wore all the time, it did have my perfume smell on it. 

So nuts!  I thought..well if some woman comes to the house she will see my robe, and maybe tries it on, it will smell like me. 

Oh the crazy things I did in the beginning.  I even left a few things of mine in the side door folder of his car.  He never goes in there but possibly a passenger would find them.  ha ha

Like any of this was going to actually effect him.   ::)

I think it's just running thoughts.  Grasping at anything.  In the beginning I think we all do it.

Anyway, it was funny looking back on my crazy.  I am so far from that now.

Hope the talk goes well.  You'll make it through, Fear.  You are very strong.
Stick to your guns.   :)

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #34 on: November 14, 2018, 07:09:45 AM »
Thanks Oneday!

Thunder- In my mind I was thinking that I was bucking the system because I wore it, sprayed my perfume on it and had no plans to return it nice and tidy. I would've laundered that thing, folded it perfectly and found a nice bag to put it in. I had planned on just stuffing it in my purse and handing it to him if he did ask for it. (My how much energy put into evolving this crap). Reality of the situation--- I was doing exactly what you said, when I read it.  ::) Truth dart.

Update

We met yesterday for our price drop conversation. H messaged at 3 pm wanting to know if I could come earlier. He was available. Told him nope! I got there and he was super fidgety. We talked about hockey (no mention of the jersey  :D - guess it's officially mine!) He seemed to relax a little there. I finally brought up the house and realtor. We agreed the realtor sucks, but he doesn't want to really go with another one, because this one is low commission. He also doesn't want to change because they would take new pics and the house looks like crap, the outside is covered in snow, no flowers, and it does not justice to it what so ever. I went through the comparables that I had printed off. He was surprised initially that I had put so much time into it. That is something I would've always done. So I told him... "no surprise, you should know I would've done this, it's what I do." H agreed with me and we had a little laugh about it...sometimes I'm a little anal but things.  We also joked about my one chair in the living room. It was nice to see him relax a little. The agreement we came to, which I find slightly hilarious is... we wait for the contract to run out on the realtor on November 29. Then we ask for new comparable, and then we will decide on price drop.  :o Lol. Yup...more time. I am totally okay with this. It doesn't really change anything for me. H has seemed to simmer down a little which is much easier to deal with. It does suck to sit across the table from someone you once knew so well and not have a freakin' clue who they are. I just have to keep working on me and what I need to do. Basted the turkey a little last night and now we put him back in the oven for awhile.

Oh ya...the gold chains have appeared on dude   ;D Lol.

Hug N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 7133
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #35 on: November 15, 2018, 02:33:21 AM »
I just have to keep working on me and what I need to do. Basted the turkey a little last night and now we put him back in the oven for awhile.

<snort>  Yep..... and don't open the door too much and let all the heat out. Otherwise, he'll never cook.... ;)

Oh ya...the gold chains have appeared on dude   ;D Lol.

Hug N Prayers,
FN

PLEASE tell me you are kidding right?


Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5685
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #36 on: November 15, 2018, 02:36:08 AM »
Oh no, UM, that last gif...little bit of sick in the back of my throat, yuk ???
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 7133
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #37 on: November 15, 2018, 03:23:49 AM »
Oh no, UM, that last gif...little bit of sick in the back of my throat, yuk ???

I couldn't find one of the slimey MLC Geezer with sunglasses, chains, bleached hair, white shirt open to his navel, etc., so this one had to do... Sorry....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #38 on: November 15, 2018, 10:05:28 AM »
I just have to keep working on me and what I need to do. Basted the turkey a little last night and now we put him back in the oven for awhile.

<snort>  Yep..... and don't open the door too much and let all the heat out. Otherwise, he'll never cook.... ;)


I have put the oven on convection for a nice even heat. No Peeking!!



PLEASE tell me you are kidding right?

OMG.... I think I threw up a little with that .gif. No joke they showed up.  ;D They are very pretty and seem to be of good quality!! Lol.

 I have to say I am a fan of the very short short sleeves to maximize/frame the bicep capacity (aka gun show) . It tends to draw attention away from the shiny chains. Maybe that's why I missed them on the first go  ;)

Hello Hades express  :D

Treasur- I feel ya on that one friend. That can't be unseen.


M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #39 on: November 19, 2018, 02:09:05 PM »
Update/Journal

So the story continues...

Last Friday H messaged if we were done with benefits at the end of the year. I automatically "assumed" ( we all know what this word really spells out) that meant medical benefits....since it's pretty evident he has another friend w/ benefits and doesn't need me for that  ::). Initially... I really panicked. Totally overthought it. Started to freak out about the life insurance that we have instead of mortgage insurance... pretty much got myself into a  good tizzy. I decided I would wait to answer him. Asked some advice from others in similar situation about what to do. The medical benefits wasn't really my issue, as mine are better than his. It was the life insurance, which I wouldn't give a rat's patootie if the house was dealt with. I prepared for the biggest fight.

When I finally messaged him back, I told him I had no intentions of taking him off of my benefits as we are still married and have nothing formal in place. As for life insurance... that is a whole different story and shouldn't be messed with until we have dealt with the selling of our home because that would be really unfair. H messaged back "ok" he was just checking and would follow my lead.  :o So that turned out a whole lot simpler than what I had anticipated. In my head I was all freaked out because I Ass-u-me that it would be a fight due to OW not having benefits etc. I never imagined in the scenario, he would agree and back down. Lesson learned.

I guess after these months of always being ready for a fist a cuffs... sometimes that isn't the way it goes. The last few months haven't been like that, not that I should let my guard down by any means, but I don't necessarily have to go straight to fight or flight. It's exhausting.

Last Thursday I had a complete meltdown. Lots of tears, seconding guessing myself, cry for hours  pity party. Read the text messages for this time last year... went all out torturing myself. Blaming myself that I couldn't see the change in his communication style, beating myself up for not being able to fix our marriage while on a 2 week holiday this time last year. Beat myself up for jumping through every hoop that I did trying to make it all wonderful, and being to blind to see, he was already heading into the tunnel. Pretty much flogged myself for every co dependent behavior I have (instead of realizing the beauty of knowing  being able to change it). And remembering what an ass he was on that trip.  :(

Friday...woke up feeling much better and received H's message. Perhaps I was supposed to get all that crap out prior, so that I could approach this with the grace God has been giving me? I know every day cannot be all sunshine and rainbows. I also know I can be one of the hardest people on myself and I am trying to be kind to me. Why is that so difficult? To be kind to ourselves? To forgive ourselves? To show the same grace to ourselves that we show to others? I don't get it. I have an easier time forgiving H for choosing to commit adultery than I do for forgiving myself for making poor choices that didn't show that I valued myself. How messed up is that? But I will get there. Time is my friend.

As much as I hate to say this (and it makes me feel horribly guilty for even writing it)... I don't think I could deal with H being home right now, with what's going on in my head. The last 11 months have been " I just wish he would come home". Don't get me wrong... that hasn't changed. I want H to come home, but I really do see that at this point in time, I need to take advantage of the time I have to get right within myself. Focus on my relationship with God and embrace the freedom I have to discover what I really need/want and where my value is.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online RedStar

  • MLCer Type: Off-N-On
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 164
  • Gender: Female
  • MLCer is in high energy replay.
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #40 on: November 19, 2018, 04:21:40 PM »
I really do see that at this point in time, I need to take advantage of the time I have to get right within myself. Focus on my relationship with God and embrace the freedom I have to discover what I really need/want and where my value is.

Perfect!

Offline stillbaffled

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4126
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #41 on: November 19, 2018, 05:42:23 PM »
FN - You're certainly doing much better at 11 months than I was! 

So you've put the golf clubs away - have you been crafting away?! 

Still traveling along with you. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2168
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #42 on: November 19, 2018, 08:43:22 PM »
As much as I hate to say this (and it makes me feel horribly guilty for even writing it)... I don't think I could deal with H being home right now, with what's going on in my head. The last 11 months have been " I just wish he would come home". Don't get me wrong... that hasn't changed. I want H to come home, but I really do see that at this point in time, I need to take advantage of the time I have to get right within myself. Focus on my relationship with God and embrace the freedom I have to discover what I really need/want and where my value is.


I reached the same point a while back FN.  No need to feel guilty.  I think it's part of our journey.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #43 on: November 20, 2018, 06:50:04 AM »
RS- Hello!

SB- Thank you... there are some days though. Golf clubs aren't away quite yet. I am going virtual golfing this weekend!! Pretty excited to swing some clubs! I have been crafting away. Making my wreaths. I created a FB page for them and Instagram... I suck at social media. Just not my deal. What have you been up to? How you doing?

FW- I am glad to hear that I am not the only one. It is a strange feeling to have when your thoughts have been so focused...but it's good. You're right part of the journey and the battle  ;)

Update/Journal

So this "I guess after these months of always being ready for a fist a cuffs... sometimes that isn't the way it goes. The last few months haven't been like that, not that I should let my guard down by any means, but I don't necessarily have to go straight to fight or flight. It's exhausting." that I wrote yesterday. I think I set myself up for the challenge of it.

I no sooner finished writing this then my phone rings and it's the utility company. Seems the bill that H was responsible for has not been paid in almost 3 months to the tune of $500. They were looking for him and only had my number. So backstory reminder on this. This is the bill that H tried to change primarily into my name in August!?! by having OW call in and be me. Then sent me an email telling me I was responsible. I called the company, told them it was not I who was on the phone, explained the situation, did not authorize anything and they best be putting back to the way it was. Messaged him, said nice try..no go (basically). I messaged H yesterday to tell them they now have his number and please take care of this. He came UNGLUED!!! He thought I was paying it because he wasn't getting the emails anymore (don't know if that's true or not... possibly since he screwed with the account). He said he called in Sept and they said a payment of $200 had been made and he thought I "came to my senses and started being responsible for what was mine." I never made that payment!! I searched high and low .... I haven't made a payment to that company for almost 2 years. Not sure who did...wasn't me... and I would consider H lucky, because he'd be on the hook for another $200. He called the company got his email back on etc then asked me to pay half. I said "nope, that one was your responsibility" Then came the... I gave you the option to get out of the house...I'm trying to be kind, you need to get out of the house if you can't afford it, I can take you to court and make you pay half my expenses, I'm drowning, somethings gotta give, blah, blah, blah blah, BLAH text rant!! I replied. "I'll guess I'll know it wasn't taken care of, if they shut it off." Haven't heard back from him.

At this point I am not paying it. The company will contact if it goes that far and I will readdress at that point. Right now...not my monkeys... not my circus. If he hadn't messed with being a sneaky SOB in the first place, he wouldn't be in this predicament. Initially I felt sorry for him, and I started reconsidering paying half. Then I thought no...why? It was his responsibility. He knew that, and this is burden to bear. I am not going to carry the weight of worrying about this. If it comes back on me, then I will deal with it then, until then...eyes off that show and back on me.

SIL has started calling OW moonbeam... I think I got hit by a meteor shower yesterday and H has been huffing to much moon dust!!:(

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #44 on: November 20, 2018, 07:07:52 AM »
Seems their little scheme to put you on the utility bill didn't quite work out the way they planned.

Well just hold your ground for now and see if he pays it.  He can always make arrangements with them, their good about that.  All he has to do is try.

"IF" by chance you do end up having to pay half, then you can make arrangements with them.  They'll usually take small payments to pay it off.

Lordy, these MLCer's, huh?   ::)

Enjoy your day, Fear.  :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1156
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #45 on: November 20, 2018, 12:36:48 PM »
Good for you for not offering to pay half. Unbelievable that he just assumed you paid it. I'm still pissed that the OW had the nerve to call them pretending to be you.....serves them right for owing three months all in one now. Sneaky sons of beaches. The nerve these people have - ugh.
Why doesn't he just sell some of the bling around his neck to pay for his bills.
Despite the little monster snafoo - you do sound like you are in a good place Fear. I am in awe. You sound grounded and okay with the time you have to figure yourself out. Wish you could bottle that up and send me some - I am still all over the place - up and down and up and completely down and I just want to settle somewhere in the middle. It is exhausting to say the least.

Maybe I need to start huffing moondust....lol
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #46 on: November 22, 2018, 11:55:48 AM »
S66- We all have our days. :( This is not for the faint of heart by any means!! As for the moon dust-- highly addictive, kills brain cells at an alarming rate, you have no idea where you are, poor decision making skills, delusions of grandeur, anger and you loose all literary skills and require someone else to write your emails and texts... do I need to keep going to convince you it's just not worth it  ;) <<<Big Hugs S66>>>

Update/Journal

The continuing saga of the utility bill.  ::). So we have switched from text to email for our preferred means of communication. On the eve of the 20th after saying I wouldn't pay, I received an email from H. He forwarded a copy of the bill, and that he was being very generous to offer to even pay half since it is my responsibility. I wrote back, said I am glad he got the email addresses straightened out, it was unfortunate that due to the changes that were attempted to be made this summer that he had missed receiving. As I stated before. This one is your responsibility. I will not be taking responsibility for it, nor will I be contributing to what is in arrears.

And then the next morning... somebody is really upset with the wife!! :o I had a lovely crafted email, clearly penned by moon beam and wreaked of a moon dust binge!! Most of the day I was in knots about this stupid email. My guts went crazy, I was afraid of what might happen (mostly that he's pissed with me) second guessed my decision. When I finally took the time to calm down this verse kept coming into my head (I don't recall the exact wording or where it is) but it along the lines of " I will fight your battles. Just be still." When I started breathing again, changed my focus, reigned in the emotion that I was hopped up on and re-read the email. I could totally see that it was not written by H at all. I decided then that I would treat it the same way that I treated the texts from the moon before. Ignore.. no response. Not engaging.

I did have a conversation with someone and was told that should H actually not pay it and I was on the account, there is a possibility that it could screw with my credit rating, and should I need to assume the bill, they may require a hefty deposit on top of it. This summer when the fraudulent activity happened the company told me I was only a contact. I decided it was in my best interests to find out exactly what my role was in this. I called the company and I am indeed just a contact. I have no monetary association with the account whatsoever. It is solely in H's name for responsibility of payment. I asked the girl if that was the case, and I was strictly contact, could I be removed? She told me yes, as I have no obligation to the account. I removed myself. I have mixed feelings about this, it sucks to let him sink or swim, offer no hand, life jacket...nothing. Hoping he fair better than Jack did in Titanic!! But I think that's what I need to do at this point. If the utilities are shut off...at that point I will address the matter. Till then ...To the moon Alice!! It's been a bit of a week. I do feel more peaceful with the decision today.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #47 on: November 22, 2018, 03:59:36 PM »
YAY!  Good for you being calm, level headed and proactive.

They are just running around in La La Land circles.  Let them.   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #48 on: November 23, 2018, 08:44:32 AM »
Thanks Thunder!!

Not much to report. Been silent since I haven't replied. This weekend is a busy one for me. Tonight I meet with my girl peeps. Tomorrow is virtual golf with my golf girls. Sunday is Grey cup Sunday and a hockey game to watch in the eve. Somewhere in there I need to fit in making some more wreaths, as I have sold the 5 out of 6 I had.  ;D Happy Friday and Grey Cupping Y'all!!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #49 on: November 23, 2018, 08:53:50 AM »
I don't know what Grey cup Sunday is, but enjoy!

Nice on selling your wreaths.  What are they made of?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #50 on: November 23, 2018, 01:33:55 PM »
Thunder... sorry.. It's a Canadian thang, eh! I forget not everybody follows CFL ( I don't really follow it, just participate in the final party). It's the championship game for the Canadian Football League. :D

I do a few different ones. Deco Mesh, Burlap, Tulle, Some that are solid Christmas Ornaments or combination of a few different means!! Depends on the mood and what is downstairs in the glitter cave  ;D. I'd post pics but that is beyond me on here. Still trying to get the hang of IG. :o

M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline xyzcf

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9466
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #51 on: November 23, 2018, 01:47:43 PM »
 ;D  Canadian Superbowl only usually much colder and the ads are not as much fun.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/site-map.html
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
Report Technical Problems

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #52 on: November 28, 2018, 08:30:30 AM »
xyzcf- that was a much simpler explanation! lol.

Update/Journaling

Not much to really report. I did not respond to the email. I haven't heard anything from H. Tomorrow the realtors contract expires and the utility bill is due. Guess well see if I hear anything. I am going for a massage tomorrow and H will need to submit the receipt?!?!?!  Hard to say how that might go.

Other than that not much happening. Golf was a great time. I am so happy that I stepped outside my comfort zone and joined. 2 of the ladies I have gotten to know and we have formed a friendship. Now that there is a foundation of friendship and they would like to socialize this winter outside golf, I felt it was time to share. When I started in the league, I really just wanted to have something of my own that had nothing to do with what was happening in my life at the time. I didn't want my situation to be my identity. I made a very conscious effort to keep the 2 separate. One of the gals had stopped by my house and to pick up a wreath. She never said anything about the for sale sign or lack of furniture and I totally appreciated it. Just acted like it was normal, didn't ask any questions (she just thought it might be financial difficulties when I mentioned it this weekend). I decided it was time to let them in a little. I wanted them to know how much they impacted my summer and what a huge part of me moving forward in my life that they were ( I don't even really have words to explain it).  I went from panic attack and tears on the first day to big hugs and tears for a completely different reason 5 months later. What a huge blessing. I feel like if I hadn't joined that group, found those gals... there's a good chance those clubs would've been on a buy and sale site this summer. Instead, I found that I can love the sport just as much, if not more than with H. It gave me a new found freedom, opened my tiny world up, and I did it on my own!! They were very supportive/understanding when I let them know my situation. If felt good to let them know what they meant to me... I'm generally not very good at that. One of those things I'm trying to work on.

Anyways, the rest of the weekend was good. Grey Cup was fun. Enjoyed my extra day off just chillin.

Hug N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #53 on: November 28, 2018, 08:54:29 AM »
Aw how great!  I'm glad you got to know them and let them in a bit.
Sounds like you may have found some very nice supportive friends.

I'm happy for you.

So now you can get rid of that joker of a realtor?   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #54 on: November 29, 2018, 08:21:26 AM »
Thanks Thunder!

 Apparently not getting rid of the joker of a realtor?!?!? Yesterday the realtor messaged that he has a showing booked for Friday from 3 to 4 pm. Funny thing..his contract is up today, but seems I am the only one who has noticed that. I texted H to tell him we had showing, he's really hoping this is the one!! ::) lol. Not sure how that would work with the contract expiring today?!?! Not really concerned, I'm not the one who's eager to sell. H also has to stop by on Sunday to show a town inspector something under the deck. I asked what time...just so happens it coincides with when I will be at the tattoo shop getting a new tattoo to commemorate the year.  ;D Guess I will miss seeing him. Told him I wouldn't be there, but did not elaborate on my whereabouts or time frame. There was no mention of the utility bill and he texted back at lightening speed. Lol.
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #55 on: November 29, 2018, 08:31:48 AM »
So does that mean he gets no commission if it sells?   ;D

Oh well...
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #56 on: December 04, 2018, 11:25:21 AM »
Update/Journaling

Well H no showed on Sunday. No biggie really, just means the deck issue is not solved with the town. I on the other hand have my new tattoo on my hoof and survived the 2.5 hours of pain! Just a sucker for punishment.

The downside... H emailed yesterday telling me he has talked to his L and that I need to cough up the money for the bill by December 15 and assume the account or he is cancelling. I spoke with the company this morning to find out what would happen in this scenario. If he cancels he is on the hook for what is owed until the day of cancellation. Once he does that, a letter will be sent to our address and at that time I will have to set up my own account but will not be responsible in anyway for what is in arrears. I redid my budget in preparation for this, so that I am ready. H also sent the com-parables from the realtor and a message that the contract was up...finally. Realtor wants us to drop a ridiculous amount of money. I am not agreeing to that. I have not responded to any of this stuff except for "Thanks" on the com-parables. I have no intention of coming back with a price until he presses me on it. I am not responding to the email... gonna leave him to figure that out on his own. I know what I am facing and that is all that I can control. No point in responding to H's ridiculousness. I know he did not consult a L for that little matter because right now it seems the money crunch is happening. His annual winter trip is jeopardy.

I am not sure if it is the time of the year that I am facing or the circumstances or both, but my give a $h!te garden seems to have been completely harvested. I have zero patience for his crap. This was the first time I didn't feel compelled to have to be at the house should he show up. I have no desire to see him and that kind of scares me a bit. I haven't encountered that prior. I also feel like I am losing my compassion for him. I don't think I feel bitter or vindictive but I certainly don't feel the same need to try and understand or cooperate that I did previously. I feel like I have to let him go down in a ball of flames and not be prepared to put out the fire. Just stand aside.  :( I don't like that feeling. I guess that's the codependent in me that would like to rescue and assume responsibility. That's a step in the right direction for me at least... stepping aside.

Christmas has always been a tough time of year for me. Due to family dynamics etc. it was a time of year that I have always preferred to be away for, avoid the hoopla. This year I am unable to outrun it. Considering how it all went down last year, with finding the text messages Christmas Eve day from the OW, spending Christmas alone and searching for answers as to why my life was suddenly imploding (thankfully landing here), I am quite anxious about this year. I do think that is part of me not wanting to see H or deal with him... it's just a little to much. Toss in that it happened a couple days after my Bday... and the pics that surfaced New Years eve... I have about 10 days where I have a  strong desire to bury my head in the snow and not look up until Jan 1.  Unfortunately I have some friends who feel like they need to make this "the best Christmas ever"!! I have tried to explain my side, they don't get it.  I am supposed to just smile and be happy because it's Christmas... the sad reality of that is that is it's not just me. There are so many who feel like this at this time of the year. Those who have had their lives changed forever because of relationships breaking down, addictions, losing family members, sick family members, missing children, so many things. But the persona of what we are supposed to portray and the expectations weigh heavily on all of us.

I have my own beliefs about the true meaning of Christmas and I know that I will not truly be alone. That God will provide the strength and grace to endure this. He has taken me this far. I just have to stick with the "Fear not... Thou art mine" and I have permanent reminder of that on me now.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #57 on: December 04, 2018, 11:48:09 AM »
By hoof did you mean your foot?  lol

I'm glad you are starting to feel differently.  It just means you're detaching, which is a good thing.
 ;D

I agree Fear, Christmas is a very hard time of year for many people.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online One day at a time

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 461
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #58 on: December 05, 2018, 04:57:05 AM »
Hi FN!!

I can so relate to what you are saying about Christmas!! This is the first that I will spend it on my own.. Last year I had 4 nightmarish days in H's home town with him treating me like rubbish and I didn't appreciate it.. I remember coming back home and thinking "I'm not doing that again!" And indeed I'm not this year... although this is not what I had in mind  :-\

Several of my friends have invited me to spend Christmas with their families.. Which I do appreciate because they are thinking about me and making sure I'm not alone.. But I really don't feel like having to put a happy face and spend Christmas feeling like an intruder in someone else's house... They are having none of it and I'm finding myself very close to lying to them all telling them I have plans so I can actually spend Christmas at home on my own and do whatever I feel like doing.. Even if that means crying due to the unfairness of it all.. I would love to go to be on Dec 23rd and get up on Jan 2nd.. Specially when I know that my H will be moving to another country at the end of the year..

But I'll be fine and you'll be fine.. And somehow we'll get through this nightmare... eventually!
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 7133
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #59 on: December 05, 2018, 06:02:20 AM »
OneDay,

This is exactly how I spent my first Christmas after ABD - alone... STBXW took the kids and went to her mother's house 5 hours south of where we were. It was the trip that normally we went together on.... I can also tall you now that, if it wouldn't have been for the fact that I had still had my dog with me and I know without a doubt she'd have been tossed into the first shelter STBXW could find (after all, that was one of the myriad reasons for having to separate - I wouldn't get rid of the dog when she wanted me to - strange - I didn't think that pets were disposable and it was the puppy she wanted me to get in the first place), I wouldn't be here to write this post to you... Of course, ABD was 2nd Advent 2015 (13 December) so 2 weeks before Christmas... Merry Bah firetrucking humbug...

The 2nd year, I had 2 different sets of friends invite me to spend the evenings of Christmas Day (Dec 25th) and Boxing Day (Dec 26th) with them and their families since STBXW was doing her usual dash after Christmas Eve... My first reaction was, as yours, to politely decline but, instead I accepted and went... And you know what? It was the BEST freaking decision of my life.  It wasn't just me and the families, there were others there too and I had a really wonderful evening both times. In fact, last year, the same 2 families invited me back and I went and again, it was great. The first year with the first family and their other friends, after a wonderful dinner, we all watched "It's a Wonderful Life" and yes, I did go through about a half box of tissues (I had never seen that movie before but another LBS friend of mine had told me several times during the year that I had been her "Clarence" and I had no reference to what she meant). The second was a lovely dinner... Last year, was dinner and a hysterical game of something like Pictionary and the second was again a more sedate dinner (I brought homemade chicken Enchiladas) with several people...

Getting past that initial internal resistance was the key and it was important to do that... You might want to reconsider whether you REALLY want to be a hermit or not...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #60 on: December 05, 2018, 07:00:08 AM »
Thunder- Hoof definitely equals foot  ;D

One Day- My heart breaks for you and all the rest of the LBS that struggle during these times.  I think so many of us know the feeling all too well. This was a good read that my mom shared. I am so thankful that she understands. I do think that UM has a point. Sometimes we might need to push through it, it's just finding the strength to do that. Personally, this is not the first Christmas that I have been alone, but for those whose it is, the struggle can be immense. Hang in there. You are strong. We are strong and we are not alone.<<Big Hugs>>

https://johnpavlovitz.com/2017/12/24/to-those-who-struggle-this-christmas/?utm_campaign=coschedule&utm_source=facebook_page&utm_medium=John+Pavlovitz&fbclid=IwAR27dUMuRAJoTT23bEMLLaHnxtcKmgqrTXRhJ7IzIMxZI2SLbqWVVDyJbno

UM- I just want to say how grateful I am that you are here and what a valuable asset you are to all of us on the forum, with your insight and humor.  Thank you for sharing, you have a very valid point. :)
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline stillbaffled

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4126
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #61 on: December 05, 2018, 09:38:05 PM »

I feel like I have to let him go down in a ball of flames and not be prepared to put out the fire. Just stand aside.  :( I don't like that feeling. I guess that's the codependent in me that would like to rescue and assume responsibility. That's a step in the right direction for me at least... stepping aside.


This feeling came to me pretty early on that first year after the anti-depressants kicked in.    It has helped me to continue to move forward.  Of course it also has helped that he's done a good job of erasing me, my family, many friends, and 40 years worth of memories.   I do agree that stepping aside is a step in the right direction, FN. 

 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5685
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #62 on: December 05, 2018, 11:57:28 PM »
Christmas is hard for me bc I lost my family too. Ignored the first. Volunteered for the second. Did a Christmas-lite with my uncle for the third. This year going to Barcelona with a friend and her daughter. No idea what Christmas will mean in years to come.

So trial and error. But also accepting that - for now - although I used to love Christmas, my love for it was absolutely connected to my family. And they are gone so I just can't engage with it as I used to do. So I have progressed from doing nothing to trying different things, but all under the umbrella of saying it's ok whatever I do.

If you think you can try, maybe arrange some small 'drop in' visits so you don't feel under pressure to do anything but raise a glass, eat some nice food (always a plus for non-eating LBS!) and be with some nice humans....try it and see how it goes.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online One day at a time

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 461
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #63 on: December 06, 2018, 07:27:23 AM »
UM, thanks so much for your message. I don't want to take over FN's thread so I'll answer more in my own thread as you have very good advise for me there as well!!! All I will say here is that I take your point, I know you are right. I also agree with FN, having you in this forum and giving us your insight and making us laugh from time to time is invaluable!!

That's a great article FN! Thanks for sharing, definitely something for all of us to read..

Treasur, I love the idea of Christmas in Barcelona! Can I go with you?  ;D
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1156
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #64 on: December 06, 2018, 10:44:49 AM »
Fear, I am envious of your give a sh$te garden - I must have misplaced the seeds to mine because I am harvesting crap...lol
I still care way too much about my H and the What Ifs and Maybes of the world - ugh - I might come over and steal some of your garden

I am glad that you already have the plan on letting the utility account go default so you owe no arrears fees and start your new account. I bet that will burn H's hind end...hehehehehe
Christmas - never, ever been my favorite time of year due to my moms drinking and my dad leaving us on Christmas eve. I did always enjoy spending the holidays with my in laws though as they made it a fun time. Now that it's back to me (as D is spending it with her boyfriend) - I will choose to just stay home with my cats and rats and honor God in my own way. Friends have meant very well and invited me, but honestly, I would just feel more alone among them and it would be torture and would look forward to coming back home.
Just explain to your friends that you're not sure yet what you will do for Christmas or jump in like Ursa said and maybe you too will have the time of your life or just bury your head until Jan 1st - just do what feels right for you.
 



 
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5685
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #65 on: December 06, 2018, 10:51:33 AM »
Fear - reallly good wise friends will understand if you ask to decide nearer the time or even on the day bc right now it is hard for you to know how you will feel. Needs a little bit of honest vulnerability from you but a real friend will get it.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #66 on: December 07, 2018, 09:40:26 AM »
Hey SB! Stepping aside, forward, back... whatever it may be is still moving and it ends up being quite a jig that we do. Lol  :)

One Day- Don't worry about taking the thread over. Hijack away. It's an important conversation to be had. My thread is your thread  ;). Glad you enjoyed the article.

Treasur- Thank you! That is very true. The onus is on me having the ability to reach out and be honest about it. I find it difficult to really express that... I am afraid the dam might break and all hell will break loose. It's easier to just allude and avoid. Lol. Gotta work on that.

S66- I would love to share my give a $h!te garden with you but honestly... right now it's dirt and snow. Nothing is growing in there. Barren. Lol. Come on over and we can do some snow angels. Hopefully I won't get the urge to try and reseed anytime soon. Let me know if you need help in your garden. My advice... whatever you do, don't fertilize... avoid bull$h!te at all costs!!
 I'm sorry to hear that your past Christmas's were so tough, that you too are facing this adjustment this year and unable to be with your daughter.  Do it your way girl! We will get through, each in our own way!! Know that there is love and support waiting for you here always!!

Update/Journaling
 
The realtor sent some feedback earlier this week about the showing from last week. He also inquired as to what we want to do about the price drop. H forwarded the text to me immediately. I just responded "Thanks" to both of them the next day. I haven't heard from either of them. Crickets.

My SIL has been a little chilly with her messages as of late. She hung out with the OW awhile ago, told me she was and I just said that I really didn't need to know. Do what's right for you. That was right around the time of the "utility bill stand off" so there's a chance something has been said. Irregardless there is not much I can do about it. I have to stand up for me. I haven't told her my side of this debacle and I have no intentions of doing that. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt a little, but yet again... beyond my control and there is no point in me bashing H and OW and beaking about the crap they tried to pull with this whole stupid bill thing. It won't do me any good, or her for that matter. Give it to God! He's better at this than me.

Week was a little tough, lots of tears. I had a cousin who is my age who OD'd and passed away last weekend. He was a lost soul and so sad that he slipped through the cracks. I just pray that he is finally at peace. This will be the 3rd cousin in our family that has passed away from this, this year. Heartbreaking.The memorial will be next Friday and weather permitting I will be going.   :'( 

Work is good, it's pretty quiet for us. Going to watch some hockey tonight and go see a comedian tomorrow night. My mom is coming on Sunday for a sleepover, so that will be nice.

Happy Friday all my HS peeps! Hope you all have an awesome weekend.

Hugs N Prayers, FN

M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5685
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #67 on: December 07, 2018, 10:04:44 AM »
I am so sorry for the loss of your cousin, FN, and how hard this must be for some of your family.
A bit like our spouses, I guess we always hope that even the most lost souls will somehow find their way out before it's too late.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1156
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #68 on: December 10, 2018, 06:17:33 AM »
I am so sorry for the loss of your cousin - may he find peace now.
Hugs
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #69 on: December 10, 2018, 06:34:06 AM »
I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin, Fear.  His struggles are over now, but still so hard on the families.

Thank you.  I hope you have an awesome week-end too.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #70 on: December 11, 2018, 06:34:10 AM »
Thank you everyone for your kind words  :) I think he is in a much better place now.

Update/Journaling

Well, we have finally dropped the price on the house with the quack realtor. Signed the papers yesterday. H messaged in the morning asking what price I would agree too. I texted back the number. He agreed and sent the info to the realtor. I kept the communication to a bare minimum.

On Friday I received Christmas cards from my inlaws and from H's gran. It was really nice of them to send. The only dagger was that my MIL/FIL addressed the card to me in my maiden name :o which I am clearly not using. That was hurtful. Brought on some tears, but tried to look at the bright side that at least they sent one. Gran was kind enough to use my proper name and sign it with love as she always has.... in-laws... not so much.

My mom came to stay have a sleepover on Sunday. She has not been to the  house since H moved out. It was really hard on her. She was quite emotional about it. My niece went into labor later that night and I have a new great niece, who is healthy. My mom went to see them the next morning. My sister (I've been estranged from for 10 years) was there as well. My mom finally told them that H and I were no longer together. She told me that she could not stop crying when she told them about it. My heart absolutely broke for her. She also told my uncle who lives with her and my step father as well. I think she needed the release of it. I feel absolutely terrible that I had asked her to keep it quiet for the last year, and didn't really get the toll it was taking on her.  :'(. H was one of her favorite people. During a conversation on Sunday night she told me that perhaps I deserve better. I was shocked to hear her say that. She has been such an integral part of my support for standing that it kind of took me off guard. I guess it's probably more about a mother wanting the best for her child.

Other than that...not much to report. The comedian was fun. My team has been playing well, and the drama has been at a minimum.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #71 on: December 11, 2018, 06:45:21 AM »
Aw I'm sorry about your mom.  It's obvious what a kind person she is.
Now I know where you got it from.  ;)

Now who does that?  Send a card with your maiden name on it???   ::)
It would have been funny to send the card back with.."Unknown person, wrong address." 

 ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online One day at a time

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 461
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #72 on: December 11, 2018, 07:54:25 AM »
If it makes you feel any better FN, I never changed my name so I kept using my maiden name all along... Still somehow my MIL managed to get it wrong when she sent me a letter 3 months after her son walked away... So she had 15 years to learn my name but obviously was not important enough for her to do it ::)
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #73 on: December 12, 2018, 11:11:50 AM »
Thunder- Aww thanks :) and I didn't even think of the return to sender!! That would've hilarious.

One Day- That is unreal. So disrespectful. I am sorry that you had to experience that.

Update/Journaling

So this morning I received a forwarded email of the bill that is due from H. He still hasn't paid anything on it. Initially I started writing a response saying I was not tied to this account and that is not my responsibility. Then it came to me that not responding is probably best. If I tell him I am not associated with his account then he will probably cancel the account immediately, and I will have assume it as of that date. If I don't respond at all, perhaps I can milk it for a little while longer. I will think of it as his Christmas gift to me.   ;D. I feel a little terrible doing that.

I've spent some time thinking about the last year, how things happened at Christmas, blah, blah, blah. The negative part of it, the devastation, the tears, the anxiety, the emotions I can't even put into words, the isolation of having it happen when all of my support system was away and I was literally totally alone. No friends home to be able to pop over, family had other plans. But I think there was maybe a reason it went down that way. Had it not, I would not have looked to my faith to carry me through. I would not have found out the strength and grace that God provided me through those darkest days. I would not have ended up here among the truly amazing peeps with such love, support and a pile of information to help me realize I was dealing with MLC. I would not have been able to sit with him 3 days after, not shed a tear and listen to his line of BS and know that the best thing I could do was to not beg and plead. It was an extremely difficult time, but I see the positive in it. I know that it had to happen, to bring me to where I am now. I needed to grow and change and this was the only thing that would make that happen. I have learned so much about my myself, my marriage, H. Things that I need to change within me, things that would need to change within our R in order for it to work, to realize the dysfunction I was living in, the emotions/ feelings I hid. As tough as the year has been, there has been tremendous growth both personally and faith wise, lots of positives, and many more to come. I have made new friends, stepped outside my comfort zone, and grew a pair! Lol. Yes, the upcoming days will be tough, but they won't be as tough as last year.  :)

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 7133
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #74 on: December 13, 2018, 06:24:59 AM »
For What It's Worth,


My MIL still, after 17 years of being married to her daughter and 3 after, can't spell my first name correctly... all 4 letters of it.... and she doesn't even misspell it consistently!  But she still has NO clue why her daughter is doing what she's doing...

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #75 on: December 13, 2018, 06:32:19 AM »
Fear, you sound so good.

Yes, we do learn a lot about ourselves and out relationships, don't we?

All good!  It's the only way to grow as a person.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #76 on: December 19, 2018, 08:08:28 AM »
Um- THAT is ridiculous! <shaking head>

Journal/Update

I attended my cousins funeral. They did a really nice tribute to him. It was a tough day. I saw a lot of my dads side of the family. My sister (S) who I have been estranged from for 10 years was there. My mom had told her last week that H and I split up. My S gave her the big, "oh I am so sorry for her. She just won't have anything to do with me, things were going so well for her, my heart breaks for her"... blah blah blah. I find out at the memorial she has taken the opportunity to spread the latest and greatest news like wildfire to all the relatives (which I have kept to myself for the last year and only told those closest). It was really awesome <heavy on the sarcasm>. So not only was I emotional from the memorial, every single relative that I had to see and talk to, wanted to know about the situation, it was exhausting to have to put on the face, tell them it's all good, coming up a year and all is well, no need to worry about me, I got this, Yes it was horrible what he did.... I was watching my S in the room and you could tell that she almost got joy from it. Seeing me struggle. There's always been a jealous streak and this I think just really helps her feel better, that my perfect life fell apart.

I went to say my good bye to a particularly close cousin and my S was sitting there. He asked if it would ever be "water under the bridge for the two of us." I just said to him," I honestly can't answer that. I've tried to do my part." S just sat there looking smug and miserable. I gave my cousin a hug, walked over to my S, bent down and hugged her and told her congrats on her newest grandchild and peaced out. God's Grace. I don't know how else to deal with her, when every fiber in my body wanted to shred her.

Saturday I went on a road trip with K ( possible MLC'er with the book, chains etc, I mentioned previously). He drives truck and invited me to go along on one of his runs for the day to keep him company. My dad used to drive truck and it was something I had always wanted to do. I figured why not. It actually was fun, good conversation, and got to see some new scenery and crossed off a bucket list item, even if it wasn't with the intended.  :) It was a good distraction.

Yesterday I received a email from H saying he has cancelled the utilities. I have arranged for my own accounts and all should be well. I have not replied to a single one of his emails regarding paying the bill or the cancellation. We have not had a single showing since dropping the price of the house. I have been pretty emotional the last little while when I let the monkeys out. Just looking to God for strength to get through this next little while and not devote to much of my energy to what was.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline stillbaffled

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4126
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #77 on: December 19, 2018, 03:15:32 PM »
Hey, FN - you did the best you could at the memorial service.  I'm sorry that things are not good between you and your S. 

Nice that there hasn't even been a showing of the house with the price drop!  Good!   

This seems to be a time of the year when the monkeys work hard to come out - you just keep telling them to fly away! 

Sending support. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1156
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #78 on: December 21, 2018, 07:25:13 AM »
Fear, don't let the monkeys keep circling about. Lock them up. You are doing so well and I love that you haven't replied to any of H's emails.
You did well dealing with your sister at the memorial and I am glad she enjoyed spreading the news (shows you how pathetic she really is to get enjoyment out of another persons heartbreak)
Unfortunately we do not get to pick family, but we can not allow them in our lives if they are toxic, so well done Fear.

It's this daggone time of year that makes us melancholic and weepy - damn those monkeys.

Hang in there and keep moving along. Enjoy your Christmas regardless how you decide to spend it. Sending you love, light and peace my friend.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #79 on: December 27, 2018, 12:19:01 PM »
Thank you SB and S66! Hugs!!

Update/Journaling

Well Christmas is in the rear view mirror and I survived it. Today marks the day that H came home and told me it was over. This was the day he left and never came back. Last year on this day, I came into work a bawling, sobbing, broken mess. I look back now and feel so sorry for my boss. Lol. It was only the 2 of us working and he had no idea what was going to be dumped in his lap when he asked about Christmas. :(

Today... crazily enough, no tears and although parts of me still feel a little broken, the majority of me is fairly well intact. When I think about last year, Christmas, today... I didn't think I could make it through another day, let alone an entire year of this. So much has changed within me, and I feel like it's all for the better. I was and am stronger than I ever thought. Glory be to God for that, because it is not on my strength alone that I am in this head space. The only reason I am where I am today is my faith and the friends that supported me. Both in the virtual (joined here 1 year ago today) and in the physical. I am forever grateful that I was lead to this site so early on. Thank you for all your support each and everyone of you, and for sharing your stories that help all of us! The camaraderie, the support, the information, the laughs, and so much more that goes on here. Thank you!

What did Christmas look like this year? Completely different than any Christmas I have had and I am happy to report it was good.  :D Christmas Eve was spent prepping for Christmas Day. I have been spending some time with K (dude who gave me the Co dependent book with the gold chains) and he came over Christmas Eve, helped with the prep, drank some wine, attempted to teach him how to 2 step (lost cause there). It was a good time. I had some pretty mixed feelings about spending it with him. I felt like I shouldn't really be having fun, felt guilty for just being with him. It's so weird. I think of where H is, what he's doing... and I feel guilty about 2 stepping in the kitchen!!? It's difficult to allow yourself that freedom and trust yourself.

Christmas Day I cooked dinner for my cousin, here 2 kids, her mom, and K. Did the whole schmozzle. Turkey, stuffing, gravy, Asiago and garlic mashed potatoes, green beans, salad, chocolate mint cheesecake (from scratch), and lime berry cream pie. Dinner was an absolute success. I have never cooked a dinner like that on my own. They few times we did it, H had a hand in it and it was for my mom and stepdad. I have to say, I felt pretty proud of myself when it was all said and done. It kept me very busy all day which was a true blessing. Once we had finished eating and were sitting there chatting, it hit me that this was likely the last big hurrah in our home. I wanted to just duck and cover, but had no choice but to continue the hostessing duties and get through and I did. When everyone finally left... the damn broke. I did spend the evening with some tears and memories, but it wasn't the huge case of the sadz that I thought I would be enduring this year. Everything happens for a reason, and I feel like I was meant to have it happen this way. I was kept busy, which kept my mind from sinking into the pit, and I had a little time to wallow and reflect but not enough to really allow myself to really hit the depths of despair. I made it through the year. I made it through some of the darkest days on the calendar intact and even having a good time.

As for the K thing, we have been hanging out. Having dinner, watching hockey etc. He is great at communication...loves to talk about anything and everything, and lacks a filter sometimes. It pushes me outside my comfort zone more often than not, and it has made me realize a number of things about myself.He likes to ask the tough questions and has no problem telling me when he thinks I am feeding him a pat line to avoid (and he's usually right). I am extremely guarded (not just because of MLC), I didn't fully trust H or anyone for that matter, there is a lot of room for me to improve my communication skills, there's a long list of things that I was unhappy about in my marriage that I didn't want to admit to myself, ( I haven't shared this with him but our conversations have certainly invoked a lot of thought afterwards on my end) and the list goes on. I was so busy making everyone else happy, it's nice to have a conversation with someone who wants to know what makes me happy. I do struggle with the fact that I find it easier to have these discussions with K. It's nice to have someone interested in your day, your thoughts, views. It's nice to hear that I am funny, I am smart, I have a lot to offer. It's nice to feel validated. It's nice to feel all of those things that were robbed from me last year... and then... I feel guilty because these are conversations that should've been happening with H. But they slowly slipped away from us over the years of him working away and me resenting that. I didn't realize how much silence there was in our R. :( So for all the good I realize...there is also the bad.  We don't always know the reason why we must endure our trails and tribulations, but I am finding some lessons in it.The more I learn about me, the more I learn about how I should've done things differently. Maybe I will get the chance, God willing.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1156
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #80 on: December 27, 2018, 12:32:20 PM »
Wow - Fear - it does sound like a pretty fun Christmas with only a wee bit of sadz which is perfectly normal.
I can tell for sure that you have changed so much in the last year - so much growth and strength and your own power behind it all.
You did not let this define you nor did you let it break you, but you leaned on God and your great nature did the rest.
So happy for you. I had to chuckle a bit at trying to teach K how to two step in the kitchen...lol...sounds like a lot of fun no matter how lost the cause may be :)
I am so sorry that it might have been the last big hoorah in the house, but I have no doubt what-so-ever that any new house will be a great place for you because you are such an amazing woman.
Enjoy your time with K without feeling guilty - you deserve somebody to care about your day and to listen tow hat you have to say about any subject.
So excited for you and in awe of how far you have come and what good place you seem in for a one year anniversary.

Keep it up Fear - you make me want to get to a place of peace and growth for myself.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #81 on: January 02, 2019, 12:37:31 PM »
S66- Wishing you much peace in 2019! Thank you for your kind words and support. We have all had a year of growth. You too have come a long ways in this journey and shown great courage and strength my friend! Always here to cheer you on!

Update/Journal

Happy New Year everyone! Another day with too much pressure put behind me. I originally was supposed to spend New Years with the same couple that I did last year. They had invited me last minute last year, when life fell apart. While there, the pic of H and Moonbeam at the hockey game was posted via social media. I spent the night in tears, devastated that he was with her, within days of walking away. In my infinite wisdom I checked H's google history on our tablet a few days before New Years. (I have access to one of his emails and his history as he hasn't removed the device) I know I should just delete it myself... but I haven't. I like to torture myself once in a blue moon. I was able to tell that he has bought hockey tickets again this year. Knowing that they were going, and it would be a one year mark for them, I just couldn't put myself in the same spot I was last year when the social media public post comes that they are celebrating their one year (and the post happened... so predictable)  ::). It felt like a step backwards. I decided I would stay at home and let it pass by.

Well, that's not what transpired. Lol. I stopped by my cousins for a quick wine and she was having a hard day. She is still involved in a very rocky R with an addict, who had decided to go on a bender when he didn't get his way regarding their plans. Her BF was in fine form texting abusive garbage. I was personally afraid that she would end up going to his home and something would happen to her (again).We decided that perhaps we should just have a cousins party./sleepover No boys allowed. So we got our wine, tunes, and snacks. There were some rough parts to the night but generally a ton of fun. We laughed, we cried, we reminisced about the year and how we were able to lean on each other and it only seemed fitting that we kick 2018 to the curb in style. We danced, we sang,  played coffee can drums, acted like idiots, invented a cookie toss game to amuse ourselves and generally acted completely immature. It wasn't what I planned, but I was so happy it turned out that way. Blew off a lot of steam and spent it with someone who helped me hold it together numerous times this year, and was able to be there for her on this evening. I think that goes to show that sometimes it's just supposed to happen. You can make all the plans you want, but you don't always end up where you think you should.

I think that kind of sums up my whole year. I had an idea of where I would be in all this. I am no where near there...but it turns out I am in a much better place than expected. Is H back? No, and I am ok with that. Did I think he would be? There was a part of me that thought so, and a bigger part of me that thought we would at least be friendlier. The reality is that I have been erased from his life with astonishing accuracy.  The only thing we need to communicate about at this point is our home. Still for sale. But I am happy with who I am, how I've dealt with this, the grace that God has given me to treat H with respect even thought he could not return it. I am glad that they one year BD dates are behind me, that the significant dates that cause pressure to feel like all is well, are behind me and I can just keep putting one foot in front of the other and let God take care of the rest. Happy to see 2018 fade in the rear view mirror and look forward to what 2019 has to offer.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN

 
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2168
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #82 on: January 05, 2019, 12:02:52 AM »
All caught up FN.  Happy New Year!
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #83 on: January 08, 2019, 11:30:42 AM »
Journaling/Update

So.. I think I just go played by a girlfriend who has been a confidant during this whole deal.

Background info: We met when it was suggested to use her as a house sitter probably at least 5 years ago. Hung out a some what with her when she was single... she got a little over flirtatious with H... I shut that $h!te down. ( I am apparently am immune to red flags!) We hung out with her as "couples" a few times when she met her BF (together 2 years). He has a hard time keeping a job. She is a big personality. She went through the same thing I did prior to meeting me. When this all happened she was someone that I confided (in hindsight too much info) in because I saw her as strong and resilient and had been through it. I would meet her at least one to two times a month to catch up. She was very encouraging that one day I would find my way and it would all be ok. 

I met with her last night. I haven't heard from her in almost 3 months. I initiated meeting up. We do the catch up thing. She mentions that I seem very happy. That I might have moved on etc. I said I am happy, and that I have realized a lot of issues that were in the M etc and I am focusing on me. I'm done watching H's $h!te show. About an hour in she mentions that she messaged H one night because he had been liking her posts on FB. Her BF was working nights and she just wanted to know "what happened". :o She then told me that H told her he fell out of love with me, the fancy trips and big house couldn't fix it. (ya don't say) Then she said that she asked H if OW was the "one". H said he couldn't say for sure. She ended with, I think we will probably meet up for a beer one of these days, obviously without her.  :o. I'm sorry... but WTF?!?!? This is not normal right? She then said that she told him "we" are friends first and foremost. Another... WTF?!?!? I don't think that's what friends really do.

I didn't really respond when she told me this. I was a little flabbergasted. We ended our visit shortly after and said our goodbyes. I went home and have had this going round and round in my head. Am I being crazy? I haven't asked any of our friends to choose, but I really don't understand, why after a year... I have shared all this with you.... you want to meet and hang out with my H... and you have absolutely no ill intentions? If not, why the need to know if she's the one? Why message with my H when your BF is working nights? Why not tell me this 2 months ago? Why wait until an hour in? Why hang out with my H alone when you have never, ever done that before? My gut says this isn't cool, this isn't right. And I feel really betrayed and I think I got played. I'm thinking within the next couple months I'll see a FB post about how great it was to catch up with "this guy" and there it will be. Maybe I'm overreacting.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
« Last Edit: January 08, 2019, 11:31:44 AM by FearNot »
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Philadelphiagirl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 420
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #84 on: January 08, 2019, 11:38:15 AM »
Hey FN, No I definitely wouldn't say that you are overreacting. Whether she had contacted/bumped into your H or not - you do not need to know this! As she actually contacted him herself (and yes it does sound as though she may have another motive) she should not be passing such comments on to you. I have had a similar conversation where my H had been contacting another parent at the school for information and saying that I didn't look after the kids properly. The Mother in question seemed to find the whole thing gossip worthy - it's not - it is our lives and they have been traumatic enough. I am sorry that your `friend' decided to do/say that - even if a friend is 50/50 still a friend between us and our ex-H they should be really careful as to what information they give/comments they make. Take care, PG xxx     

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5685
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #85 on: January 08, 2019, 12:05:22 PM »
No you're not.
The fact that you felt flabbergasted tells you that you're not.
She rode right over your explicit and implicit boundaries with a truck.
Saying 'I'm done watching H's $h!tee show' was a clear signal...which she responded to by flicking right to that channel and giving you a bunch of info you didn't ask for and didn't want.
Huge red flags about how safe a person she is to share your thoughts with.
Tbh, smells like she is lining up in case there is an ow vacancy and she has form.

Two very solid reasons to readjust your picture of her as a friend whether you choose to say anything to her or not.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online One day at a time

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 461
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #86 on: January 08, 2019, 12:45:09 PM »
Oh no, definitely NOT overreacting... Who does that???  I agree with Treasur, it sounds like a move to get in line.. Not what a friend would do.. I would say be very careful about what you share with her going forward if you decide to continue with the catch ups.. I'm not sure I would want to catch up with her ever again if I was in your situation..
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #87 on: January 08, 2019, 12:50:44 PM »
Fear, you are not stupid, of course your alarm bells went off.  Mine would have too.

It sounds to me another ow is being born here.  A true friend would not want to hang out with your H.  I smell ulterior motives, whether she admits them to herself or not.

Personally I would talk to her and tell her how you feel, you are very uncomfortable with her hanging out with him.  You can say, it has nothing to do with you, but it just seems weird to me. I hope you can understand.  "I'd rather see him find some male friends to talk to, or hang out with, at this point."

If she truly is a friend she will respect that and understand, if not then you have your answer.  She is interested.

Going out for a few beers??  That's ridiculous.  You don't go out drinking with someone's husband.

I just don't want to see you hurt again.

Or drop her all together, Fear.
That choice is yours.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2168
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #88 on: January 08, 2019, 09:55:28 PM »
Wow, she sounds like a piece of work.  And she should know better, especially having gone through something similar.  Makes you wonder if she is slipping into crisis herself.  You are not overreacting.  Friends have an unspoken code.  You don't date (or even go have a few beers) with your friend's H's or EX's.  Nope, nope, nope.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10203.msg671589#msg671589

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Reinventing

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1917
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #89 on: January 09, 2019, 02:00:32 AM »
She is trouble with a capital T. She will want to triangulate and cause drama and potentially be an OW.

I would cut contact with her.

Online RedStar

  • MLCer Type: Off-N-On
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 164
  • Gender: Female
  • MLCer is in high energy replay.
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #90 on: January 09, 2019, 07:13:10 AM »
Although she does sound like bad news, I think it's actually a good thing that she said something! As awful as it is to hear all that, at least she gave a warning--know what I mean? I think it could have been worse if she just acted on this and didn't say anything.  :P

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #91 on: January 09, 2019, 02:17:42 PM »
PG, Treasur, One Day, Thunder, FW, RI, and RS- Thank you all so much for weighing in on this. It's been on my mind for the last couple days and it helps to hear that I am not crazy!

I do agree that she seems to be considering the position of OW should it open up/be created. That doesn't really scream friend to me. I think I am going to leave it up to her to reach out to contact me. We were always fairly equal in reaching out, but the last couple months it was more my side. I think perhaps that is a little telling in itself. Should she reach out and we meet again, we are certainly going to have to have a conversation about this, and I will no longer be confiding in her regarding anything of substance. I think "acquaintance" might be her new title.

Treasur- you got that right. She drove over me with a Mac truck of info that I had not requested!!

FW- I guess time will tell if she's heading into her own crisis or if she just has no respect.

RS- I think you are right with the warning. In more ways than just the possibility of her motives, but also in that she is not someone that I should be confiding in!! Better now than down the road or b*tc# slapped on FB with it!!

Thanks HS peeps.  :)

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #92 on: January 11, 2019, 10:49:17 AM »
Well it's been over a month since there has been a request for a showing on the house and the realtor messaged today. There is one booked for this afternoon. Funny thing was last night I was just thinking about this and thinking I should tidy up.  ::) But I didn't. It's not like it's a disaster but it's not in it's prime state that I was keeping it in prior. Honestly...there's a part of me that wonders why I put so much effort into making it perfect. This is H's deal. Not mine. Not like I would sabotage it, but really...why so much energy. I kinda feel bad thinking like that.

I have zero desire to contact H to tell him that there is a showing. Usually I would look for any excuse to be in contact and that is not happening. I just feel kinda blah about it. It's weird to not have that feeling of wanting that contact.

The rest of the week has been good. It's been busier at work so the days are going by faster. I share an office with a gal (B). We have been the same small space for 6 years. Never had a fight and work closely together. Last year was rough year for B as well with some of the things life tossed at her. Around September last year we started marking the days that we didn't cry on the calendar....because that felt like a huge accomplishment making it through A DAY without tears (they were pretty limited). Yesterday we realized we are 2 weeks into January and no tears so far. That's huge for us. So we made our intention this year to see if we could flip it. We would mark the days with tears, in hopes that there are more days without . So far so good! I have to say I am truly blessed to be able to share a space with someone like her. Where tears, hugs, laughs, whatever might happen, we figure it out.  B was a big support for me in 2018 as I was for her and we are both optimistic that 2019 is going to much, much better!!

Happy Friday HS peeps! Have a good weekend!!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1156
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #93 on: January 11, 2019, 11:01:00 AM »
Forget the 'friend' and mark it as another lesson learned.
Damn, those lessons are getting way too many for me....I need a long semester break...lol
I would not worry about tidying up - it's not your wish to sell the house, so if he is that concerned he can come clean up.
I do like that you are at the point of where you do not want to contact H - wish I was there.
My favorite part - that you and your office mate decided to mark the tear days instead of the days without tears - if that is not moving forward than I do not know what is. So excited for you.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #94 on: January 11, 2019, 11:13:06 AM »
Hi Fear, I agree with both you and S66, no need to make it look great.  Let him do that.   ;D

I have a feeling 2019 will be a good year for you.  You already are losing the urge to communicate with him. 
That a good sign of detaching. 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online OffRoad

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3075
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #95 on: January 12, 2019, 08:44:01 AM »
About the house, not your responsibility to keep it sellable pristine unless you want to sell it. Do what you have time for, feel comfortable with or want to.

About the "friend", while I , personally, would have appreciated knowing what my X was saying about me, even the bit about was OW the "one", the rest of it was fluorescent red flags under a blacklight. Contacted him because he "liked" her face book pages? Just NO. Meet up for a beer? HELL NO.

I get that you seem to not want to know what your H is saying or was thinking and maybe she should have asked if you wanted to know. I don't know about this person, but I've known more than a few who want to help and think we might want to know their mindset. I do, not everyone does. Then there are some who "want to hear both sides". Those I just let go, as they are no friends of mine. My friends know me, know what I do and do not do. Anyone going for a beer? Unless they had been doing that since before the breakup,  I don't need that in my life. You likely don't need that either.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline stillbaffled

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4126
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #96 on: January 12, 2019, 07:26:37 PM »
I'm caught up, FN. 

You know best what to do about the "friend".  I let go of a couple very early on that claimed they didn't want to take sides.  It was very obvious to me, even in my depressed state that I didn't need, or want, their friendship at all.  I haven't spoken to them in over two years.  I don't miss them at all.  He and the new Mrs. are welcome to them. 

Been to any hockey games lately? 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #97 on: January 15, 2019, 11:50:57 AM »
Thanks S66, Thunder, Offroad and SB!

I am not going to put as much effort into keeping the house pristine. I am a pretty tidy person, but I have been next level for the showings. You are right... why put the effort in. Makes no diff in my world.

Offroad- lately I haven't really been interested in what H is doing or saying about me. All he does is lie and twist what life was to fit his altered reality of right now. I don't need to hear that crap. . Initially I felt like I needed every little detail. Now... I don't really want any. I get frustrated that H is still living "our" life but with moonbeam (aka OW). I have had to make numerous adjustments and H just keeps on keeping up the facade. It's interesting that I find myself easily angered by this now and in the beginning I was able to take it more in stride. As for the friend... she's playing both sides her and I am not too fond of that. 

SB- No hockey games as of late. Work needs to cough up those tickets!! Do you have a fav team?

Journaling/Update
Not much happening here. The weekend was good minus the fact that I was told H and moonbeam are heading back to Jamaica again. This messed with my mind a little this weekend, but the reality is... there is nothing I can do it about it. Let the moonbeam dust fall where it may. God has a plan. Let go let God. Some days are definitely easier to do that than others. H likes to continue to pretend he is living the same life, so be it.

Sunday I virtual golfed with some of my golf peeps! It was a good time. Can't wait for spring! Today I head to the dentist. Yuck... hate the dentist. Thursday I am going to see Dan Mohler (preacher I listen to on youtube). I have enlisted my cousin to go with me. Initially I was going to go by myself, but the idea made me super nervous so I thought I would just ask her and see. It's not really her deal, but she's always game for whatever and it worked! Maybe she'll even get something out of it.

My mom has been in Mexico and is on her second week. We have been able to exchange a few fb messages to check in but I haven't been able to talk to her. This is the longest I've gone in 12 years without physically talking to her. Everyday at 4 pm Monday to Friday I call her on my way home. It's a tough habit to break!! I finish work and it's the first thing I think of, but do believe it's been good for me. I know it's probably been good for her to completely get away.

Still no tears to mark on the calendar. :)

Hugs N Prayers,
FN

M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #98 on: January 15, 2019, 08:18:34 PM »
No tears to report is a good thing, Fear.

Progress!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1156
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #99 on: January 16, 2019, 07:13:04 AM »
Yay for the clear of tears calendar stretch.
You're sounding great Fear
And who cares about Moonbeam - beams turn into dust and then into ashes anyway
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #100 on: Today at 11:48:49 AM »
You got that right S66!

So Wednesday was 7 years since we got engaged. Made it through the day without tears  :). Thursday was the anniversary of my dad passing. It's been 24 years. Hard to believe he has been gone almost as long as I knew him.  :-[. Next week will be our 6 year anniversary and 12 years since we met. Feels like forever in some ways and a blink of an eye in others. I am feeling a little complacent lately. Not sure what that is about.

The week has been alright. It's been ridiculously cold here this week, but I guess it is winter in Canada. What do I expect. My mom comes home from her holiday today, so we'll be having a chin wag later. I am looking forward to hearing about it.

SB- You mentioned hockey and low and behold work gave me tickets for tonight's game!! Yay! Hopefully we play better than last night, although they were pretty chippy.

Not much happening this week. Should be pretty quiet.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #101 on: Today at 01:22:04 PM »
Quiet is good, Fear.   ;D

Good luck with your team!  Rah Rah!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk