Author Topic: My Story The Story Continues- Fear Not!  (Read 2035 times)

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #20 on: November 06, 2018, 08:40:42 AM »
Interesting.   ;D

Let us know what the book is all about. 

It's kind of nice to have some positive male attention though, even if it goes no where.
You still got it!  You're H better be careful.  ha ha
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 7133
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #21 on: November 06, 2018, 09:35:22 AM »
<snort>

You could return the favor and send him the "Backpackers Guide to the Ukraine," a copy of the immigration laws where you are located... and a gift certificate for a package of Pampers...

All he needs now is a red convertible, gold chains and open shirt....



Sorry, I know I am on my way to Hades for that but geez..... A big red sign flashing "MLC" couldn't have been much clearer....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #22 on: November 07, 2018, 10:36:48 AM »
Thunder- Yes the validation to know that you still got it is good, even if it is another MLC'er.

UM- I literally laughed out loud at that!! In my province red convertible = big dodge truck - check! No chains/open shirt yet...but they could still appear!
See you in Hadez because there was no way you can't not laugh at that!! Well done! <Loud Slow Claps>

Update:

So on the same day that I am receiving the self help book from dude, H finally has time to meet up to discuss price drop. He would like to do lunch ( MLC translation- I don't want my GF to know that I am actually meeting you) but the rest of his week has opened up. I decided I am not answering him right away or maybe even until the end of the week. He can thank "dude" for that, since I started reading the book that was sent prior to H's message! The book I received was:

Codependent No More- How to Stop Control by Melody Beattie ( he was kind enough to send the .pdf copy, if some one wants it I can email it to you... if that's ok with moderators? I would post it but have no clue or if that's allowed?

So, I started reading it and realized it actually had some very valid information, and truth be told... hit a little too close to home. So much so that I was super uncomfortable that dude pegged me from 2 short conversations and a couple texts. On the other side... it probably came from his wife. ::)

All joking aside, reading about detachment and how it was broken down in there was really good for me. Hence my decision to not jump for H regarding meeting this week. I have always responded in a very timely manner unless it was monstering. It may take H a week to respond to me but I would respond within the same day, if not within hours. Previously the excuse of the app not working was really common for H. I decided that I don't have to jump for this. I don't have to respond until I am actually comfortable responding. I don't want this and therefore truly don't have to make it that easy for him. Previously , and the book kinda 2X4 with this... I realized I responded in a very timely manner because I was still afraid that if I didn't, that would influence the outcome of our R. It's not going to... This is truly not up to me. I've spouted that, tried to live it to a certain degree, but somehow yesterday, it kinda took my breath out of me and made me really contemplate the "why" of my reactions etc. Also gave me a little insight into a number of other issues that I recognized in myself but have kind of tried to only address on the surface. I honestly can't make the changes I need to in me, until I really own up to them.

 So a little thanks (ok big thanks) goes to dude for the book. I am about half way through and I honestly have to say... I think it was another God-incidence that book ended up in my email. It is difficult to read due to the self reflection that is actually needed. I thought I had done a lot of that, and to some degree I have. This is just making me dig a little deeper with some of the things that went on in my marriage, my past, even how I approach my faith and God's ideas of me.  :-\ But I guess it was time to get a little down and dirty with this stuff.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 7133
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #23 on: November 07, 2018, 10:45:28 AM »
FN,

From a Mods point of view, since the book is copyrighted material, posting it would be a violation of Copyright laws so a clear No-Go.

If someone were to PM you and share their e-mail address, well.... That is then YOUR beer.....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online One day at a time

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 461
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #24 on: November 07, 2018, 11:47:29 AM »
<snort>

You could return the favor and send him the "Backpackers Guide to the Ukraine," a copy of the immigration laws where you are located... and a gift certificate for a package of Pampers...

All he needs now is a red convertible, gold chains and open shirt....



Sorry, I know I am on my way to Hades for that but geez..... A big red sign flashing "MLC" couldn't have been much clearer....
Priceless!!!!!!



That sounds like an interesting read FN... I could probably do with something like that! It's interesting how certain things come into our lives at the right time. I do the timely responses as well.. Sometimes I try to delay it but I actually feel bad and guilty if I don't get back to him.. I don't know why that is..

I just read the description of the book in Google Books
Is someone else's problem your problem? If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to someone else's, you may be codependent-and you may find yourself in this book-Codependent No More.

I'm already sold  ;D
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 41 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #25 on: November 07, 2018, 11:55:32 AM »
UM- 10-4! Thank you! I thought that might be the case!
Every time I see that meme... I can't help but chuckle.

One Day- I hadn't read the description... Yikes!! Nailed it.

M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #26 on: November 08, 2018, 08:19:36 AM »
Journaling/Update

So as of this morning I haven't replied to H's text to meet this week. H messaged again last night wondering if I got and then forwarded a message from our realtor who wanted to know if we had talked yet. This morning H messaged again, using the app that we used to always use (you can see when read). I can't really tell what it says, but don't plan on opening it right away or even today. I can honestly say this is the first time that I am truly not worried that my actions are not going to cause the downfall of all things, if I don't answer. I am not concerned that I am letting H down or the realtor or anyone else for that matter. I feel like I can breathe.

Journaling part...
As I've been working my way through this book I feel like a bit of a Pandora's box has opened, but in a positive way. It has certainly given way for a lot of self reflection and "ah-ha" moments. Things I thought I tucked away nicely, and dealt with...not so much. FOO issues...yup.

I grew up without my dad. I tried to have a relationship with him in my early 20's and it really wasn't successful. I spent the first part of my life painting a pic of what I thought he was, and I was going to make him great!! My mom never said anything crappy about him and tried to protect me from his antics. When I finally started to forage my own R with him, it didn't take long for me to realize that he really wasn't the man that I had imagined him to be. Long story short.. I distinctly recall the details of 2 very vivid conversations with him that slapped me upside the head and made me realize who he really was, I cut off communication with him. I didn't know how to deal with what he had said to me, or how to stand up for myself (or my mother for that matter) because I wanted so desperately for him to approve and love me. Less than 6 months later he was killed in a car accident. 20 years later, I have been able to deal with the guilt etc of what happened. I learned of the real good he did in this world at his funeral. I spent the next years separating and processing all of that to finally come to the point, where I know that he was a good man in many ways, but he was a terrible father and husband. Those things don't make him all bad. Good people do really $h!tety things. Tied that package up nicely.

Now, I have a little insight that those things really affected my marriage. I see now that when my H took a job working away, I slowly began to feel like I was abandoned all over again. I shut my feelers off and proceeded to try make a perfect life for us. I gave up my friends, my family, anything that might cut into my time with H to try and make H's life perfect. I took on all the responsibilities of the home, I put my health on the back burner, I worked longer hours to contribute more financially...not because he asked me too. Because I so desperately wanted him to appreciate and love me, and in my mind him taking the job working away equated to the exact opposite, and if I could just do these perfect enough. All would be well. Not knowing that with every load of laundry, every mowing of the lawn, every lunch I made him, every vitamin I set out for him, every errand I ran, every date I broke with a girlfriend, every time I turned my mom down coming for a visit to accommodate  "our" life, I was adding another block of resentment to the wall. Don't get me wrong... I felt happy. I had no idea that I what I was doing was so detrimental. I had no idea that I even felt that way. We had a lot of fun together, we have done a lot of awesome things, we had great conversations, but the change that was taking place in me was so subtle. 6 years of H working away... I finally said it out loud to him, a year before he walked out. Today I realize how it all played a part and I know now that there are some significant changes I need to make. There's way more that has dawned on me as well, but I'll save that for another day.

I'll interrupt these thoughts for a moment... H just emailed me at work, wondering if I have changed my phone number?!??! He messaged on Tuesday and it's Thursday... Did I get his messages. This is almost fun... is that wrong? I feel zero anxiety at not answering.

Anyways, back to it.  I truly feel like this book was put in my hands at just the right moment. Had it been a few months ago. I know I would not have been receptive. These are changes that I have to make within myself and realizations that I need to work through, because if I don't, I will walk the exact same path that I have been on. What freedom there is in knowing there is an alternate route that will bring me closer to God and truly heal the brokenness and I can become a better daughter, wife, friend, co worker etc. Praise the Lord for journals and gel pens!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #27 on: November 08, 2018, 08:48:49 AM »
Sounds like you found that book just at the right time!  You're starting to understand more now.

I like how you are thinking.
You're busy, sorry didn't get your msgs.  (2 days later)  lol
« Last Edit: November 09, 2018, 08:45:09 AM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline FearNotTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 628
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #28 on: November 09, 2018, 08:41:50 AM »
Thunder-Thanks! Yes I certainly did. It feels like someone literally turned the lights on.  ;D

Update:
I finally answered H yesterday. Told him I could meet Tues, Wed, Thurs after work. Let me know. I got an immediate response that Tuesday would work. He would be off at 3,  he's usually not done until 4:30!?!?! Told him I am working my usual see you after 4. H is apparently stopping by the house today to measure the deck and go to the town. Seems to have a very flexible schedule as of late, not sure how that happened. Lol. We no sooner, agreed to meet, then the realtor messaged about a showing today at 3. I sent it to H. He was super happy and hopeful. I didn't bother replying. God seems to have the perfect timing, to always have a showing right when H need to cool his jets!! I finally opened the message in our app we use and it was asking if I changed my number or if I was "Choosing" to ignore his messages. ;D. Oh I'm not ignoring your messages... I'm choosing not to answer right away  ::). Kept that to myself though.

Journaling

So I had passed on the book to my mom. I speak with her everyday on my commute home. She began reading it and we've had some interesting conversation about it. One of the first things she said to me was that she was so sorry that she screwed me up so bad, and so sad that I have to go through this. It made my heart hurt. I told her this isn't her fault. She's going to end up with her own pile of doo-doo from it too wade through. Yes, reading through those pages and all the things I need to address/change/relate to etc. bring up sadness and hurt. But the really cool thing is that I feel such hope, relief and excitement to finally understand, and I hope she finds that too.

One of the things that I learned while reading was that I attach my feeling to my morals and values. What I mean by that, is when I "feel" something, I automatically "think"  it is part of my morals/values. So when I have thoughts that are negative/bad/ impure... whatever you want to call it, I tend to shut it down immediately because of how I relate that. I feel like if I allow myself to actually "feel "that way, that is "who I become", which is not the case at all. I have to chose the behavior and put that feeling into action before it would directly affect my morals and values. So I just avoid those feelings all together. Not sure if that makes any sense. Lol Little twisty. I have to learn that I can have these feelings, the good, the bad, the ugly, but it is not who I am. It is not my identity. I don't have to punish myself continually because I felt something that seemed inappropriate to what I believe. It's human nature. It's going to happen. It also makes me realize I have to learn to trust myself. That I can make good decisions, I do have a brain and can think. My opinion matters. It matters a lot, especially to me, and I can voice it. Just because it may not align with someone else's idea, I don't need to tippy toe around, terrified because of what feelings I  might invoke in them, and therefore become responsible for how they feel. It's just not the case. I don't have the ability to control how they feel, and they are allowed to feel whatever they want. It's certainly going to take some work to really truly put this into play. Every little step makes me realize and truly believe more and more that God does have a plan. I "know" that but I think it's finally sinking in that I "believe" it through and through. Man... Damn "feelers".

Happy Friday HS peeps!
Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20108
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Story Continues- Fear Not!
« Reply #29 on: November 09, 2018, 08:51:17 AM »
Very nice post, Fear.   :)

You got this.  Your opinion matters and should be heard.  Has a nice ring to it.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk