Author Topic: My Story My husband is a cliché  (Read 2914 times)

Offline Anon

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My Story Re: My husband is a cliché
« Reply #130 on: December 05, 2018, 07:18:15 PM »
The letting go takes time,,and lots of practice because it's tough to perfect it.  Read the articles on detachment, dropping the rope, and similar.  I think you are still so early in the journey that it just might not be doable for awhile yet,   I was probably close to a year if not beyond a year before I felt comfortably let go, and now I wouldn't want it any other way.   

Offline Anon

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Re: My husband is a cliché
« Reply #131 on: December 05, 2018, 07:19:27 PM »
Start a new thread when this one reaches 150 posts.  That the norm.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My husband is a cliché
« Reply #132 on: December 06, 2018, 02:37:51 AM »
Do I need to start a new thread now?

Oh and also, would a mentor help me? Someone to keep kicking me along?

Ever,

Our role as Mentors is to help you find your own way, whatever way that might be. If your Mentor feels you are stuck in one specific area, they might give you the proverbial 2x4 or not, depending on where/how much/who/etc.  We may give you a nudge here and there to keep you on track or to help you in your own Mirror Work but it is YOUR Mirror work to do , and your life to lead.... All we can do is to help as we see fit.  After all, we are also LBS's and some of us not all too much further along than you are now.

If there are specific things you'd like to ask, most, if not all the moderators are willing to answer questions if you send us a note (At the current time, NOT all Mods are active mentors so that may be something to keep in mind as to who you wish to ask) There is also an "Ask a Mentor" thread that the Mentor's monitor for specific questions...

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Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 7
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BD#1 - August 2015
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Online Treasur

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Re: My husband is a cliché
« Reply #133 on: December 06, 2018, 02:49:41 AM »
I found the Serenity Prayer really useful as a reminder of what I could and couldn't control day to day, what was my responsibility and what just wasn't https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_Prayer
The tricky bit of course is learning the difference lol.

And Stayed's Rule of 3....building in a gap before I reacted to anything, big or small, bc my emotions were all over the place and sometimes my first choice wasn't the best one for me. And that sometimes doing absolutely nothing was the very best choice of all.

And that sometimes you will change your mind and that's ok. That how you feel and think today might not be how you feel and think tomorrow, or in a few months time, or next year. And that's ok too even though sometimes it can surprise us.

When this kind of life tsunami hits....and you are so early into this so please be kind to yourself about just how overwhelming and confusing it is....life naturally seems to fall in on itself towards the small things. When we have no idea what next week brings, it helps to focus on right now...the next hour or day, the small basics of life. Eating, sleeping, a walk outside, simple things.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2018, 02:53:17 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline EvermoreTopic starter

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Re: My husband is a cliché
« Reply #134 on: December 06, 2018, 09:39:38 PM »
Well I think I just made another silly move. H called to tell me he might go to the house today (as I’ve asked him to). We had a bit of a conversation about a few different things (his new job, that I might move to the investment house after we sell the main house etc). All very amicable. He said he was going to have to use my other car for a short while (I currently have 2, one that I need to sell because I’m driving our D’s old car for now because it’s cheaper to run). I said of course that’s fine. Then I (stupidly?) asked that he only drive in it himself... couldn’t even say ‘don’t let Her in it’. Talk about giving her power. Or was I just setting a boundary? I think I gave her power in his eyes. Silly silly silly.
M: 48
H: 50
Married 19yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'.

Offline EvermoreTopic starter

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Re: My husband is a cliché
« Reply #135 on: December 06, 2018, 10:28:37 PM »
The letting go takes time,,and lots of practice because it's tough to perfect it.  Read the articles on detachment, dropping the rope, and similar.  I think you are still so early in the journey that it just might not be doable for awhile yet,   I was probably close to a year if not beyond a year before I felt comfortably let go, and now I wouldn't want it any other way.

Thank you for this. I feel like I’m doing terribly. Glad to hear it took others a long time as well.
M: 48
H: 50
Married 19yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'.

Online Treasur

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Re: My husband is a cliché
« Reply #136 on: December 06, 2018, 10:49:06 PM »
We all do it and it won't matter in the long run.
The key is to pick your battles and boundaries, I guess. And assume the worst usually when they are in Replay bc they lie a lot.
You have to accept what you can't control. A boundary is about what you will allow or engage in not a way to control what others do. You can say I will do x on the basis that you will do y, and if that turns out to not be so, then z will happen next. But they lie so much and you have limited time and energy to act like the police, I'd suggest.

If he has the car, you have no control over who sits in it or what he uses it for, do you? And in the greater scheme of things, her a$$ on the seat may not be her biggest offence  :) If it matters that much, and the car belongs to you solely, you can say no. Or you could change/limit the insurance cover. How long is 'a short while'? What will you do if it turns into a 'long while' or he refuses to return it? Do you need to document the agreement for instance so you could report it as stolen if he did not return it, particularly if the car is valuable as an asset? It's awful to have to accept how unreliable, selfish and untrustworthy they often are, but sadly one is usually better hoping for the best but preparing for the worst,  certainly about anything important to you.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2018, 10:51:07 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anon

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Re: My husband is a cliché
« Reply #137 on: December 08, 2018, 06:03:52 PM »
Quote
Then I (stupidly?) asked that he only drive in it himself... couldn’t even say ‘don’t let Her in it’. Talk about giving her power. Or was I just setting a boundary?

Evermore, I was the same way about my car soon after BD.   I had a nice vehicle that I loved.  When we split up, I agreed to give H my car (my call), once I found a new one for me.  I hated to give up my car back then, but I wanted a smaller and more economical vehicle.   I was taking my time looking and H was all good with that. 

After being pretty laid back about the timing, I sensed H was suddenly pushing for the purchase of the new car.  He said something like take your time but it would be ideal if you got it by such and such a date.  Hmmm,,, I wondered.   Why??   Turns out the OW was coming into town and he wanted to take over my vehicle before she arrived so he could squire her around in style instead of in his beat up old pick up.  I saw red but didn't say anything except this - I let him know I knew she was coming to town and that's why he wanted my car suddenly.  I told him,,, go ahead, but if she steps foot inside that vehicle I will never ever get back into that car again.

So that was early on when H was still confused about what he wanted - her or me.   He chose to back off from taking over my car and rented a vehicle instead.   I was quite glad about that but seriously,,,, I think I would have been quite traumatized to know she had taken over that part of my life!!  It would have been serious PTSD back then if it had happened.   It was like an assault victim giving the abuser the keys to your house.  Anyway, I couldn't do it and I wasn't dramatizing anything either - it would have devastated me then.

So H has had my car now for many months and I love my new car so I'm all good.   Last summer though, OW visited here again and they went on a 2 week vacation in my old car.   It still killed me knowing she was enjoying my former prized possession but at least I wasn't traumatized.   And so far,,, there has been no reason that would lead to us being in that car together.   We have met a couple of times but each time I managed to say I was already out and would drive straight to where we were going so he wouldn't have to pick me up. 

I think I could handle being in the car now (17 months later), but if I can avoid it I will.   It still nauseates me a bit to think of her sitting in it.   Logical?  Nope.   Understandable?  Absolutely.  For what its worth, I also think its a completely normal LBS reaction.   Some might disagree though.

Offline EvermoreTopic starter

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Re: My husband is a cliché
« Reply #138 on: December 09, 2018, 07:53:33 PM »
Hello all. Thanks for responses. I feel I should respond to each one but just not up to it. Brain still mush.

Went to my brother and sister in law's house for dinner last night (H's brother and his partner). We're very close (SIL is like a sister to me). I took my car (that H is going to use, it's actually our car legally but I've been the main drive) and got D17 to pick me up after she finished work at 10pm. I took it there because H has changed jobs (learned he got new job last week and quit old job straight away) and will no longer be 'living away' (had been living in our caravan during the week near old job which was 3 hrs from home). He's moved the caravan to brother and sister in law's house (they have 90 acres of scrub about 20min drive from our house, which, where we live, is 'just up the road') and will be living in it there.

So it was all very weird. When D17 got there to pick me up she stopped to visit with her dad and see where van is set up (about 50m from the main house). Then she came down and H came as well and we all sat around and drank coffee/tea. You would all be proud that I held it together and whilst I couldn't really make eye contact with him I didn't cry or fall to pieces and acted reasonably normal. It felt so normal and so weird and so horrible. I don't know how all you people with MLCer H/Ws living at home still, do it. I felt like I should be able to just go and hug him or kiss him... but I couldn't. Because that would have been weirder and not what he wants. It's not that he doesn't want that either. He just doesn't care either way and doesn't want me to have any hope. So very sad. Was also so very hard to drive away with D and leave him there and go home alone. I guess I will get used to it with time.

As we were driving home I said to D that we would have to put the rubbish bins out when we got home (rubbish one and recycling one this week as well). We have a long driveway which means walking them up to the road. When we got home H had already done it for us (he'd gone to the house to get something - had let me know he was going to). I'm happy that he is being nice to me and happy he seems to care about my feelings (the majority of the time). But it makes me very nervous (this is where I need another slap) that this isn't MLC. Where is all the confusion and monster? I flip flop around from one hour to the next. 
M: 48
H: 50
Married 19yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'.

Online Treasur

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Re: My husband is a cliché
« Reply #139 on: December 09, 2018, 11:31:27 PM »
He is a 50 year old man living in a caravan on his brother's property...who has quit his old job...who left and blew up his old life for a magical 'connection' with someone he barely knew...who takes your bins out. Does that sound normal to you, my friend?

Trust your gut. We all monkey brain around it, largely bc it is just weird so hard to 'get'. Doesn't change how things are anyway, so MLC or alien virus or depression or a sudden allergy to cheese, trust your own instincts on how normal this sounds, how much like the h you knewvitbis,  if you were looking at it as an objective outsider with all the facts. And let it be then and bring your eyes back to your life. It does get easier to see it with more detachment over time.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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