Author Topic: My Story The road of patience is a long challenging road.  (Read 4322 times)

Offline UrsaMajor

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My Story Re: The road of patience is a long challenging road.
« Reply #110 on: November 05, 2019, 02:02:25 AM »
It’s getting close to the holidays and i bet you I am spending then alone.  I have been invited to friends but it’s just not the same as being with your family.

Shelly,

It may not be the same as being with your family but, speaking from personal experience, it can be a real life-saver. Being with people that care about you, albeit in a different way than a spouse, can still be a very emotional and uplifting experience... Been there, Done that, used about a half a box of tissues...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Shelly7435Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: The road of patience is a long challenging road.
« Reply #111 on: November 05, 2019, 04:34:34 PM »
You are right Um.  I’m glad I have friends that love me!
M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline Shelly7435Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: The road of patience is a long challenging road.
« Reply #112 on: November 07, 2019, 05:50:23 PM »
So I realize something this morning I have been looking at the negative lately. I had to remind myself how far I’ve come. And that truly things usually work out the way they are supposed to. I think I’ve had so much on my mind and remembering all the bad stuff  it’s almost like I had so much clutter in my head I couldn’t think. It just kept going on a repeat take over and over.
Sometimes things are bigger than us. And right now I feel like things are bigger than me so I need to hand it over to God. And know that he has it all figured out for me and I need to trust. I feel like I have been trying to force thing I can’t be forced. I have a bunch of things to be grateful for. Now it’s time to look at those instead of the negative.

I think I needed 2x4 Upside my head.
I can’t say this is longer than I thought it would ever be.  I figured by now I would be done with x or he would be done with MLC. I’m not sure What’s going to happen but having this much clutter in my head isn’t working.... so I am calling for no more clutter November. 🤗
M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: The road of patience is a long challenging road.
« Reply #113 on: November 08, 2019, 11:14:38 AM »
No Clutter November. Yes!

Shelley please do not think for a moment that you require any 2x4 my dear. You have been through the wringer...not only the MLC madness, but dealing with cancer and all of the physical aspects of that. It is draining, exhausting and really the physical does impact the mental/emotional side. I have had the same thoughts about where I "should be" on my journey too. But you know what? We are right where we are. And we will be fine.

There will be days when we are sad. Well, that just means we have a heart. 

There will be days when we are mad. That means we have a brain.

There will be days when we are overwhelmed. That means we are taking on the weight of the world and need to step back and recall all that we have been though and SURVIVED.

Let go and let God. Best advice I have ever gotten. Whatever will be, will be.

You are amazing my friend. Hugs.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Shelly7435Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: The road of patience is a long challenging road.
« Reply #114 on: November 16, 2019, 05:38:29 PM »
So today is five years from the day I realized ex was in midlife crisis. He told me how awful I was.… And how he wanted to have people over to the house… Know that our sex life was horrible… And that his life was miserable…I know now but he was just relaying how he felt what he was saying was truly not true.It was about him and how he felt about himself....,,
.For five hours… I had known something was wrong since about July… But today was confirmation that my nice reasonable loving husband...Was not longer around. I really did used to call him the most reasonable person I knew. He had become just the opposite. Everything that he had told me was wrong in his life. Was actually all about him. Everything he said was really his issues and it’s taken me five years to figure that out.

I think his biggest issue is actually about money. And someday as a karma bus will come and visit him. He will then realize it isn’t always about money. it’s about the people that you leave behind and That supported you in a matter what.. but until then I’m just gonna keep moving forward and being happy with who I am. I think it’s a horrible day five years ago where I was devastated.Devastated Is not a strong enough word but that’s a strong as it gets. I’m moving forward....I have learned so much over the last five years I know I can stand on my own to feet with or without him. I know I will never put as much support into someone as I did to him. And neglect myself. Which I did!
It’s a really strange anniversary I’m happy but sad at the same time..I know that I am stronger than I’ve ever been. I have a great job. I have great friends and my family and at this point it’s almost not worth having a family because they were so awful. Does anybody else feel like this? Anyway today is my five year! I’m really in my five year was in July. But today was the day that I really  knew something was wrong.
If this is what God has in store for me for the rest my life I’m good. I know I did the best I could. And I gave everything that I could. Thank you all you ...My Lb friends I  could not have made it through the last five years.. I am eternally grateful for the advice kindness shown here. Whether my vanisher-husband shows up or not it really doesn’t matter cause I’m better. God bless ya’ll!

M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: The road of patience is a long challenging road.
« Reply #115 on: November 19, 2019, 04:01:41 PM »
What a wonderful update. We have all come such a long way and it is only in looking back that we can see all the progress. Because on a day to day scale sometimes it feels like we aren’t going any where fast. You got this!!
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Shelly7435Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: The road of patience is a long challenging road.
« Reply #116 on: November 20, 2019, 11:49:07 AM »
I think I need someone to remind me.. that these MLCers aren’t happy.  And most figure out ... too late .. but they do figure it out. Since I have nc I feel like he hates me when it should be me that hates him🤪

Apparently, I’m a closet Stander and hoping for the best.
« Last Edit: November 20, 2019, 12:19:39 PM by Shelly7435 »
M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Online Milly

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Re: The road of patience is a long challenging road.
« Reply #117 on: November 21, 2019, 03:13:33 AM »
Oh, Shelley, I can totally relate to how you're feeling. I feel this way often myself. I think passing the 5 year mark is a little anti-climatic, at least it was for me. I would have hoped that my H would be making progress by now, and if not, that I could have moved on. But neither of these two best scenarios have happened. It's a bit deflating.

I think having a vanisher or being in NC is very hard because you feel completely abandoned, as if you never ever mattered to them, and if you're standing, there are no touches and goes to give you hope. My H is not a total vanisher but there are weeks, even a couple of months at a time when I know absolutely nothing about him. If it weren't for the odd time my S visits with his dad, and stuff I heard from some old friends of ours, I would presume my H was: doing ok, quite satisfied with his choice, hopping on a plane to London once a month to visit his OW-alienator, moving forward successfully and happier than he ever was with me.

However, because I do get a glance of him occasionally, and I hear things from S and my old friends, what I have learned is that: my H has aged greatly, is ugly now, has a long/sad face, no money left whatsoever, cries about the loss of his kids and money (to our friends), has no car, lives alone most of the time, hasn't been to London in months.

I do think it's a good sign that your H has been more interested in your D lately. My H is still totally disinterested in my middle D. You're right when you say you're certain your H is in a MLC, ignoring the kids as well as the spouse is a big clue it's MLC. I also wonder if my H will remain in Replay all his life. As in your case, money is a major issue for my H. I think having money keeps them stuck in Replay, but also not having money but having to pay maintenance can keep them stuck. Nothing we can do but carry on as if they don't exists.

I think the anniversary of BD is always going to stir up echoes of the pain and loneliness we felt when it first happened. Let the pain wash over you, accept it, it will pass as it has done in the past. Try to focus on making plans for the holidays with your kids.
Big hugs to you all xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Shelly7435Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: The road of patience is a long challenging road.
« Reply #118 on: November 21, 2019, 07:31:40 AM »
Thank you Milly. I needed to hear that. I do think money. .. or the lack of money is keeping him stuck.   Money was never my focus. It was his and I always supported his business ventures.  I always believed In him  .. sadly still do. I used to tell him before he left that I wish he could see himself through my eyes. 

  My kids won’t be with me on thanksgiving. They have both dropped off the face of the earth. And at this point I’m just flat tired.
I have been praying for healing and to accept. Most days I know god has it all figured out and will make it better than I can imagine.  Today is one of those days.
Thank again Milly.
M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Online Treasur

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Re: The road of patience is a long challenging road.
« Reply #119 on: November 21, 2019, 07:54:50 AM »
I think I need someone to remind me.. that these MLCers aren’t happy.  And most figure out ... too late .. but they do figure it out. Since I have nc I feel like he hates me when it should be me that hates him🤪

Apparently, I’m a closet Stander and hoping for the best.

I honestly do not know if they are happy or not, Shelly. Some are happy enough I suspect.
But logically what I DO know is that if you can be happy after treating your family or those who loved and trusted you like this? If that is what you build a new happy life on? Their happy is not my kind of happy and probably not yours either.

I'm sorry you are having a bad day. Me too.
But we both know they pass right?
And it is much more useful to focus on your happy than his unknown happy?

I know even less than Milly does about her h and it is easy to assume all the things she said. What I do know about my xh is that he married someone who HE knows stole from him and lied about it for a year without concern until she got caught, that he erased 20 years of his old life for this one so his eggs are in a pretty high risk single basket lol, that he looks overweight and much older or did earlier in the year. So, happy? Well this may be what his new happy looks like...in which case it is NOT a good look lol...but if his new life doesn't work out? He will be like the guy who gambled every penny on Red...as the wheel slowly dropped into Black  :P
« Last Edit: November 21, 2019, 08:04:07 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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