Author Topic: My Story Awake & Alive  (Read 2837 times)

Online SilverTopic starter

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My Story Awake & Alive
« on: November 06, 2018, 06:40:37 AM »
(Awake and Alive by Skillet: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aJUnltwsqs)

I don't remember how many threads already, never mind.

Very quick recap:

BD at Easter 2017. Divorce at Jan 2018. Were together 12 years, married 5. To both 2nd marriage. 2 kids, D10 & S4 (nearly 5 now). Co-parenting, week-week system, primary parency shared meaning I am primary parent to S4 and she is to D10 (more legal subject than practical). OM came "officially" in a picture right after she divorced me. OM1 was FA and OM2 was EA at 2017.
He is a decent guy I think, has a good connection to my kids which is both painful and relieving to me.
I am not standing, I am done and awake and alive. Seeing J who is great lady I met at the end of the summer, no pressure from either side, enjoying each other, she has great connection with my kids as well.


Journaling

After I wrote my "Let's grow up shall we" message to xW few weeks ago, things have been really good between us, meaning that we have co-operated well. I am trying my best to keep it that way and to stay "adult" in every situation and I see her trying too. We met this morning before work, I invited her to my place for a coffee, after kids left to school and daycare. We sat down for an hour and negotiated about children's schedules. I asked her if we could change our kid weeks so I could have more time together with J (YES I did ask xW that, NO she did not LIKE that) because she has her kids opposite weeks than me. This was the point where our meeting ALMOST started to go south (I saw her starting to boil), but to my surprise, it did not. She finally accepted my request  ;D

We agreed trying to co-operate and co-parent better in the future and also that we tell that to children so they wouldn't have to feel pressure anymore bc their mom and dad don't get along...
Time will tell how it goes but I am confident atm.

There were actually TWO important things in our meeting. First, we did good, both of us, we were two adults sitting by the same table, discussing about the fact that we have two beautiful kids together and we are still their parents. Nothing really changed in that and never will. The other thing was that I never had this level of acceptance before, not since the whole sh*tstorm started at fall 2016 or even at 2015 (triggers to her MLC). I am getting over this, my friends.


(Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10348.0)
« Last Edit: November 06, 2018, 06:42:16 AM by Silver »
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2018, 06:46:33 AM »
Following along Silver
Glad things have calmed a bit for you. What your doing is best for you and your kids my friend. Keep it up.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2018, 07:28:55 AM »
Attaching

I am shocked but happy that she agreed to the change in weeks!
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Thunder

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #3 on: November 06, 2018, 07:58:19 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Silver.   :)

Happy to hear she greed and things have calmed down.  Hope it remains that way.   
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #4 on: November 06, 2018, 09:38:47 AM »
Well well well.....

There goes THAT anchor.....

You KNOW she is boiling that you are in fact, moving on but, well, those ARE the consequences of her actions.....

Good that you could keep the lid on. I hope that it works out for the kids sake...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #5 on: November 06, 2018, 10:05:41 AM »
Attaching, Silver!
I’m glad you have achieved the level of acceptance in which you are able to lead the way and show your W how adults are supposed to interact with each other. 

Well, surprise, she didn’t like that you are seeing someone, eh?!  She would much rather that you are a weeping mess and begging on your knees for her return.  No, ma’am, Silver is doing very well and there are no shortage of decent women out there. 

You sound excellent, Silver.  So glad for you...
(((((HUGS))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline gman242

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #6 on: November 06, 2018, 10:36:42 AM »
catching up!

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #7 on: November 09, 2018, 05:06:15 AM »
Thanks guys and welcome!

Everything has been so stable for 2 weeks now between her and me. Feels good, like the pressure was gone. Really too early to say if it lasts but I have no doubt in my mind there will be another moment where I need to be the adult one... As much acceptance as I have reached already, she is definitely not totally gone from my heart and never will I guess. Still looking her doesn't trigger me the same way it used to, that's a fact. As I looked her at tuesday in our 'meeting' she felt just she was before, little tense and tired, like she had a constant stress (which she probably has bc of her work). She doesn't look like a person gone trough some brilliant transition and being reborn. More than exactly in a place she was an year ago, maybe lacking now than feel of empowernment she had as she waved her final D paper in front of my face. I believe she is yet to have what she was after when leaving me, life is probably not much better now for her with her 'decent man'.

I am thankful I am here already. 2 years after the dark, scary fall where it all overtly started. It was awful time, such a scary and I felt so weak back then. She blindly followed her crisis and I saw it without having any control on it yet trying to do something, anything to save my marriage. Now as I don't have to fight anymore, my life is so very much better.
Scars won't heal until years pass, that's for sure but I don't care about it, I try to accept it. They are my scars and I need them to learn and live strong and happy again.

What hurt me was at wednesday as I brought S4 to XW's at evening, he was seemingly worried about seeing OM's car in front of her mom's house - because he was worried about my reaction to it. I walked him to door and he said "it is better for you to go now"  :'( I understood that my latest encounter with OM (the story when OM rushed to the door and tried to shake my hand...) had scared him. He probably heard something he shouldn't have heard or just saw me being very angry or whatever.

I said calmly "don't worry, it is ok" and pushed the doorbell. D10 came to open the door, XW was there too, no sign of OM though I know he was there. Maybe he learned his lesson, or maybe XW asked him not to come to my sight. Anyway it was all good, I hugged and kissed both kids, said bye to XW and left. No drama this time.

Anyway this was yet another eye opener to me: MY reactions, MY behaviour, the way I act in different situations, even the difficult ones, is THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS in my son's (and daughter's as well) eyes. They look up to me and see their father. They have right to see their dad keeping his s**t together and acting like an adult person, withouth having to be worried about anything.

It is all up to me, not OM or XW. This was my lesson this time.

Have a nice weekend BRAVE LBS PEOPLE all around, we got this!

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #8 on: November 09, 2018, 05:56:44 AM »
I’m glad to read that you and XW are ‘behaving’!  ;D
I agree, our kids’ welfare and happiness are very strong motivators for maintaining our strength and self control in all things, especially in matters concerning our interaction with important people in their little lives.  You had your mind’s eyes open and put yourself in your precious S4’s shoes.  That’s what a good parent does.  You are a truly good and loving father, Silver. 

(((((((HUGS)))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Thunder

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #9 on: November 09, 2018, 05:57:47 AM »
Well done, my friend!   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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