Author Topic: My Story Awake & Alive  (Read 2834 times)

Online SilverTopic starter

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My Story Awake & Alive
« on: November 06, 2018, 06:40:37 AM »
(Awake and Alive by Skillet: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aJUnltwsqs)

I don't remember how many threads already, never mind.

Very quick recap:

BD at Easter 2017. Divorce at Jan 2018. Were together 12 years, married 5. To both 2nd marriage. 2 kids, D10 & S4 (nearly 5 now). Co-parenting, week-week system, primary parency shared meaning I am primary parent to S4 and she is to D10 (more legal subject than practical). OM came "officially" in a picture right after she divorced me. OM1 was FA and OM2 was EA at 2017.
He is a decent guy I think, has a good connection to my kids which is both painful and relieving to me.
I am not standing, I am done and awake and alive. Seeing J who is great lady I met at the end of the summer, no pressure from either side, enjoying each other, she has great connection with my kids as well.


Journaling

After I wrote my "Let's grow up shall we" message to xW few weeks ago, things have been really good between us, meaning that we have co-operated well. I am trying my best to keep it that way and to stay "adult" in every situation and I see her trying too. We met this morning before work, I invited her to my place for a coffee, after kids left to school and daycare. We sat down for an hour and negotiated about children's schedules. I asked her if we could change our kid weeks so I could have more time together with J (YES I did ask xW that, NO she did not LIKE that) because she has her kids opposite weeks than me. This was the point where our meeting ALMOST started to go south (I saw her starting to boil), but to my surprise, it did not. She finally accepted my request  ;D

We agreed trying to co-operate and co-parent better in the future and also that we tell that to children so they wouldn't have to feel pressure anymore bc their mom and dad don't get along...
Time will tell how it goes but I am confident atm.

There were actually TWO important things in our meeting. First, we did good, both of us, we were two adults sitting by the same table, discussing about the fact that we have two beautiful kids together and we are still their parents. Nothing really changed in that and never will. The other thing was that I never had this level of acceptance before, not since the whole sh*tstorm started at fall 2016 or even at 2015 (triggers to her MLC). I am getting over this, my friends.


(Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10348.0)
« Last Edit: November 06, 2018, 06:42:16 AM by Silver »
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2018, 06:46:33 AM »
Following along Silver
Glad things have calmed a bit for you. What your doing is best for you and your kids my friend. Keep it up.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2018, 07:28:55 AM »
Attaching

I am shocked but happy that she agreed to the change in weeks!
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Thunder

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #3 on: November 06, 2018, 07:58:19 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Silver.   :)

Happy to hear she greed and things have calmed down.  Hope it remains that way.   
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #4 on: November 06, 2018, 09:38:47 AM »
Well well well.....

There goes THAT anchor.....

You KNOW she is boiling that you are in fact, moving on but, well, those ARE the consequences of her actions.....

Good that you could keep the lid on. I hope that it works out for the kids sake...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #5 on: November 06, 2018, 10:05:41 AM »
Attaching, Silver!
I’m glad you have achieved the level of acceptance in which you are able to lead the way and show your W how adults are supposed to interact with each other. 

Well, surprise, she didn’t like that you are seeing someone, eh?!  She would much rather that you are a weeping mess and begging on your knees for her return.  No, ma’am, Silver is doing very well and there are no shortage of decent women out there. 

You sound excellent, Silver.  So glad for you...
(((((HUGS))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline gman242

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #6 on: November 06, 2018, 10:36:42 AM »
catching up!

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #7 on: November 09, 2018, 05:06:15 AM »
Thanks guys and welcome!

Everything has been so stable for 2 weeks now between her and me. Feels good, like the pressure was gone. Really too early to say if it lasts but I have no doubt in my mind there will be another moment where I need to be the adult one... As much acceptance as I have reached already, she is definitely not totally gone from my heart and never will I guess. Still looking her doesn't trigger me the same way it used to, that's a fact. As I looked her at tuesday in our 'meeting' she felt just she was before, little tense and tired, like she had a constant stress (which she probably has bc of her work). She doesn't look like a person gone trough some brilliant transition and being reborn. More than exactly in a place she was an year ago, maybe lacking now than feel of empowernment she had as she waved her final D paper in front of my face. I believe she is yet to have what she was after when leaving me, life is probably not much better now for her with her 'decent man'.

I am thankful I am here already. 2 years after the dark, scary fall where it all overtly started. It was awful time, such a scary and I felt so weak back then. She blindly followed her crisis and I saw it without having any control on it yet trying to do something, anything to save my marriage. Now as I don't have to fight anymore, my life is so very much better.
Scars won't heal until years pass, that's for sure but I don't care about it, I try to accept it. They are my scars and I need them to learn and live strong and happy again.

What hurt me was at wednesday as I brought S4 to XW's at evening, he was seemingly worried about seeing OM's car in front of her mom's house - because he was worried about my reaction to it. I walked him to door and he said "it is better for you to go now"  :'( I understood that my latest encounter with OM (the story when OM rushed to the door and tried to shake my hand...) had scared him. He probably heard something he shouldn't have heard or just saw me being very angry or whatever.

I said calmly "don't worry, it is ok" and pushed the doorbell. D10 came to open the door, XW was there too, no sign of OM though I know he was there. Maybe he learned his lesson, or maybe XW asked him not to come to my sight. Anyway it was all good, I hugged and kissed both kids, said bye to XW and left. No drama this time.

Anyway this was yet another eye opener to me: MY reactions, MY behaviour, the way I act in different situations, even the difficult ones, is THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS in my son's (and daughter's as well) eyes. They look up to me and see their father. They have right to see their dad keeping his s**t together and acting like an adult person, withouth having to be worried about anything.

It is all up to me, not OM or XW. This was my lesson this time.

Have a nice weekend BRAVE LBS PEOPLE all around, we got this!

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #8 on: November 09, 2018, 05:56:44 AM »
I’m glad to read that you and XW are ‘behaving’!  ;D
I agree, our kids’ welfare and happiness are very strong motivators for maintaining our strength and self control in all things, especially in matters concerning our interaction with important people in their little lives.  You had your mind’s eyes open and put yourself in your precious S4’s shoes.  That’s what a good parent does.  You are a truly good and loving father, Silver. 

(((((((HUGS)))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Thunder

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #9 on: November 09, 2018, 05:57:47 AM »
Well done, my friend!   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #10 on: November 11, 2018, 03:54:40 PM »
Silver

Glad you have managed to get some peace. A much better way to live.

You sound happier
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #11 on: November 12, 2018, 05:11:48 PM »
You've done well with your detachment Silver.  Keep things going along at this pace and watch your W's life crash and burn.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #12 on: November 14, 2018, 04:16:34 AM »
Thank you all...

MONSTER is BACK!

Everything has been quite peaceful between xW and me for couple of weeks. We had a good conversation of which I wrote before. But you know, it wouldn’t be MLC if the monster didn’t show anymore, would it?

S4 got ill at monday, high fever so I had to leave early from work to pick him up. I have busy week at work so I texted to XW but she told she also has difficult week to stay at home with S4 at tuesday. She then asked me if OM could help bc he is at holiday this week  :o. I said no, obviously. I asked my parents to come to take care of S4 for couple of days and they said they are glad to come. XW has never respected my parents, she always saw them as not type of grandparents she would want them to be. We really had issue with this as even they are not nearly perfect, they are good people and willing to help.

Yesterday as I was still at work, XW went to my flat to pick up D10 to take her to her hobby, just as we planned. She also saw S4 at the doorway but got really really mad bc my parents didn’t go to the door to meet her but waited at living room. She didn’t bother of course to open the inner door to say hello to them and ask how was S4 (who was fine, I had spoken in a phone with my mother several times during the day). She called me after they left with D10 and shouted to me about “people that is looking after HER son didn’t even bother to come to doorway to speak to his mom” and how they can’t take care of him and how bad people they are… I hung up quick, just told her that S4 is fine, I had another call in the line at same time.

After I got home and my parents left, XW started bombing me with SMS:s, using really bad language, calling me and my parents idiot, how they can’t take care of child (they can you know) and how they gave him wrong medication at wrong time (they did exactly what I told them to do by phone during the day and wrote everything down, I am registered nurse myself, nothing wrong or unusual with his medication…) She was really out of line and very angry. I managed to stay calm and polite, wrote to her that I understand she is angry bc they didn’t say hello to her but she shouldn’t mix her anger to our S’s matter.

She sent text to my parents as well, telling them they didn’t ever help us when we were married (they tried and did, but most of times XW didn’t let them to as they didn’t fit to her idea of good grandparents) and they can’t take care of S4 and so on. She threatened to report child welfare agency about me if they ever took care of S4 anymore. My parents called me and they were really upset! I told them that this is what I got during this whole year, accusations and threats and that I am not letting her to tell me what to do when it is my week nor let her threaten me in any way. I told XW that as well. She told me (AGAIN) that she is applying the primary parency of S4 bc of this.

I don’t have to think about her stage anymore, do I? 20 months of replay and still going strong.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #13 on: November 14, 2018, 04:35:55 AM »
Silver
Your right.  If ahe just stayed all peaceful and normal, well that wouldnt be MLC would it?
You handled her well my friend. 

Offline Thunder

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #14 on: November 14, 2018, 05:32:11 AM »
Monster just could stand being quiet for too long it seems.

Just keep ignoring her when she rants like that, Silver.  Answering her, even politely just fuels the fire.

Sorry she is still at it.  Protect yourself by giving Monster nothing.

I would also document everything she is saying so you have some kind of record of it.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #15 on: November 14, 2018, 06:25:15 AM »
Monster just could stand being quiet for too long it seems.

Just keep ignoring her when she rants like that, Silver.  Answering her, even politely just fuels the fire.

Sorry she is still at it.  Protect yourself by giving Monster nothing.

I would also document everything she is saying so you have some kind of record of it.

Spot on advice here... Document EVERYTHING and give Monster NOTHING..... Then, if she wants to play the custody game, you can drop the bomb back in her court and she can deal with the fallout... The courts will NOT look kindly to the affair partner over the grandparents...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #16 on: November 14, 2018, 06:36:41 PM »
Something different from the kids set her off and you got the nasty comments.  she probably already feels secretly bad about what she said but you will never be told this ::)

As others said, document her craziness and stay away from monster.  Maybe all is not well in Scmoopieland ;D ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #17 on: November 14, 2018, 06:58:30 PM »
I don’t have to think about her stage anymore, do I? 20 months of replay and still going strong.

Silver, I”m glad you avoided being baited by her.  It sounds like she is pretty much stuck in the middle of MLC tunnel.  I’m actually quite relieved that you no longer have the front seat for her drama.  Keep on keeping your cool.  For your sanity.  I’m really sorry your elderly parents had to witness such classless act.  As other said, I hope you keep the record of what transpired. It may be helpful in an unlikely event that she presses to be the primary parent for S4. 

((((((HUGS)))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #18 on: November 19, 2018, 11:23:38 AM »
Sorry that you had to endure Monster again, Silver.  Good on you for being polite about it.  It sounds like Thunder and UM have great advice, since being polite still got you Monster, might be better to not respond at all to the crazy, even politely.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #19 on: November 20, 2018, 05:23:17 AM »
Thank you all for the support and very good advice.

Looked like monster went back to it's hole after raging for a short period. Went away as fast as appeared. Good for her.
The next morning, after she threatened me and my parents, she still tried something to push my buttons, accusing me next morning for something that wasn't relevant at all.
I didn't play with her and she left me alone. After that I wrote to her if she really is planning to do what she said, 'taking away' my primary parency of S4 (she couldn't as she has nothing to base that on)? She didn't reply at all. I waited for a while and then wrote 'I will wait your response until tomorrow and then I will contact a social worker myself (the official that made our co-parenting contact, not sure what that person is called in English) as I am not sure what XW is up to...

She then answered me "that depends on you"  :o to which I replied "No it does not. I am doing my part the best I can and am not allowing you to threaten me time after time. I am suggesting that we stop this now and continue doing what we were as we just started to co-operate with each other so well in kids matters..." I did not wait her reply but let her keep her dignity, showing her an easy way out by changing the subject to S4's birhtday plans. She replied appropriate and polite like nothing happened.

No I still am not sure what she is up to, what are her plans but it is evident that she wants to find any possible reasons to use against me to get S4's primary parency. The problem in that seems to be she doesn't actually have anything  ;D You know it is hard to take me down with accusations  equal to dressing my son in wrong colored socks, isn't it??
Btw he is wearing proper colored socks every day... It is also possible it is all about her anger and projection, that she doesn't even has any real plans for primary parency, I don't know. Anyway I am trying to do my best with kids and to cope with her and that's all I can do AND that has to be enough.

Now things are pretty ok and peaceful again in my Lalaland. BTW her living in it bothers me less and less, which is rather empowering!  ;)




"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #20 on: November 20, 2018, 05:32:03 AM »
Good for you.... You set the boundary (no more threats) and suggested an alternative.

If she keeps that, fine. If not, then the consequences that follow are hers to bear.

It is NOT rocket science...... unless you are an MLC'er....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #21 on: November 22, 2018, 01:49:16 AM »
Thanks UM,

It is NOT rocket science...... unless you are an MLC'er....

Well I can't argue about that with rocket scientist, can I?  ;)
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #22 on: November 22, 2018, 08:59:22 AM »
Silver, you proved once again that we, the LBS, have to be the bigger person for the sake of our sanity and our beloved children. You refused to feed her immature fire by responding at her level.
Good for you!
((((((HUGS)))))). You and your kids are always in my heart and prayer.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #23 on: November 23, 2018, 07:14:23 AM »
I managed to stay calm and polite, wrote to her that I understand she is angry bc they didn’t say hello to her but she shouldn’t mix her anger to our S’s matter.

Silver, this is great and exactly the way to go forward with her. Not quite sure how you manage to be calm and polite around her but good for you, you are the strength as we always knew!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #24 on: November 23, 2018, 10:54:39 AM »
Well I think we all knew Monster was alive and well but asleep for a while. You handled it brilliantly Silver. Don't give it air but keep those boundaries in place. You are amazing. It must be so hard to watch xW with OM as they act as parents to your beautiful children. What restraint you show. And love and patience and grace. Thank you for being such a great example.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline gman242

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #25 on: November 24, 2018, 09:46:11 AM »
Silver, you proved once again that we, the LBS, have to be the bigger person for the sake of our sanity and our beloved children. You refused to feed her immature fire by responding at her level.
Good for you!
((((((HUGS)))))). You and your kids are always in my heart and prayer.

I wish there was a like button for this!

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #26 on: December 07, 2018, 02:52:00 AM »
Thank you Acorn, Rose, KIT, gman!

Time to journal

What happened after my last update got my jaw drop. After few days I got a letter from social worker, saying that XW made an official report about me and my parents, accusing me for giving wrong medication to S4 and asked social officials to assess if my children are safe with me  :o :o :o

Yep.

I couldn't believe my eyes, she actually did this!!! Social worker wrote in the letter that report doesn't lead to any actions from their side, but also that "they want to remind that children should not be given wrong medication or be left without care in either home..."

I mean WHAT THE F**K?! I contacted social office's supervisor and asked why they wrote something like that based on 100% lies about what "happened" (NOTHING HAPPENED!) and without asking me anything? I wrote an email to him which he kindly attached to our file (yes we have one now thanks to alien). I told him I will officially apply a correction to the letter's phrasing, which gives an impression that negligence or whatever it is called, had happened. Luckily we have a law that allows me to do this.

Let me tell you once again, S4 was in perfect care during that whole day, BOTH my parents and D10 were at home with him. His medication was EXACTLY as it should have been and as I told my parents to give to him, they even made a paper about what he got and what time, what was his temperature and so on.

I filed a police report about false accusation. Not to play games with her or threaten her but to show that I am very serious and have zero tolerance what comes using my kids in HER game. It will take 6 months or so before police does anything in cases like this, they may decide to drop it off as well. At least I will show her some boundaries here anyway. I told her I filed and she was bemused and said "YOU are so confused, hope you are happy now".  :o

No I'm not happy about this. I would be happy if she stopped acting like idiot but I guess she is not ready for that yet. Maybe one day but until then...drama goes on.

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online Treasur

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #27 on: December 07, 2018, 03:11:22 AM »
I think you had no choice really but to ensure that your side of events was documented just in case her plan is to try to get full custody of both kids. I hope not but she seems pretty angry and things took a downturn quite quickly. Do you think it's really about your parents or more about your relationship with J? Or just general control stuff?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #28 on: December 07, 2018, 03:35:44 AM »
Thanks for replying Treasur.

I am pretty sure she felt offended bc they didn't come to say hello to her but waited at the living room. I can't blame them, she has expressed rather clearly that she has no respect on them. She didn't even say hi to them when they met at our house earlier this year. She has always thought they are not the kind of grandparents she would want them to be. I think too that she is really bitter to life bc she lost her mother way too early and her father a little later too. In fact I believe her MLC was originally planted when her mother died an year before we started to be together, roots have been growing since then and exhausting years with our very allergic children and many other things did the watering. Her father's death an year before MLC overtly started was the final hit.

So, this is why she can't stand my elderly parents which have never filled her expectations and that's why she hate them. Too bad she is using our kids now expressing her anger, that's not something I can tolerate.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #29 on: December 07, 2018, 03:59:37 AM »
Wow, she is bitter, isn’t she?! 
Her action is reprehensible because they are false, mean, immature and smells like a revenge of sorts.  Maybe she doesn’t like that you are seeing someone?

Doesn’t she have what she wanted now?  A new man, D, Silver out of the way.  You would think she is very happy now.  NOT!  O well, she did it to herself, AND dragging along the whole family through the field of misery as well.

Good thing that you filed the report with the police.  You never know what her end game is.  It is wise to protect yourself by officially documenting anything that may impact your allotted time with the kids. 

 You have a wonderful weekend, Silver!
(((((((HUGS))))))))
« Last Edit: December 07, 2018, 04:00:58 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #30 on: December 09, 2018, 08:27:02 PM »
Wow, your ex sure is being nasty. Your XW and my XH would be soulmates ;D

This is something with her that must have struck a chord and remember that it always says a lot more about her then you.  Maybe she is actually jealous the kids were with their grandparents when sick and not with her and she feels guilty?  She seems to need to find fault with what they do possibly because it's an area she isn't good at - nurturing?

There seems to be more to this than what she's complaining about.

Glad you documented the incident, never know when anything they do can come back to bite you.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #31 on: December 11, 2018, 04:04:38 AM »
Thank you Acorn & Savvy,

Bitterness is what she is accusing me about, that I am bitter for her. I don't feel I am, instead I have accepted my anger as a part of my process, aiming at NOT become bitter in my life. To me denying the anger is the best way to become bitter. What comes to her, I really think she is full of bitterness against whole her life, most than anything losing her parents too early (her mother was very important person to her). That's why she probably was so judgmental against my parents all the time. She accused them not taking part to our kids' life and not helping us, and every time they did or tried to offer their help with kids, she said no. She was the main reason they weren't more involved, they always wanted to. It was like she couldn't stand the fact my parents had (still do, my kids love them and vice versa!) something to offer to our kids and insteadly turned almost everything against them. Nothing they did or said was good for her, she always found a reason to complain about them to me and didn't get why it hurt me as well. This was an issue, big time, in our relationship, always between us and I was always between them in a way. I really don't miss being there anymore.

There's still a lot of projection in her, no signs of looking inside. I am pretty sure there won't come a day she could do that tbh. She is too proud and incabable to admit to herself she did anything wrong. My guess is she just can't, it would be too much and break her pretty mask. She is a victim in her life and needs a saviour, she can't face anything on her own. When I came into a picture her mother had recently died and her 1st husband cheated her which lead to divorce. I remember her writing something like "you have fixed my broken heart" to me at that time - which sounds just terrifying now even to think about, but so clearly shows how her life story goes. Now OM saved her from me, controlling and suffocating husband, which I became out of blue after being the best man, husband, father she could ever have hoped for.  I still don't see myself that way nor ever will, what I did was reaction seeing my marriage suddenly started falling apart. But I think I have come a long way not trying to see her that anymore, she can't and won't.

I picked up the kids at sunday evening from her's. Saw OM's car and glance of the guy himself somewhere at background as I went in, not sure what he was up to as he was 100 % air to me. But he was wise enough to stay off of my sight. Tbh xW seems to be happy enough with him. Kids seem to like him or at least accepting him. So be it. It seems to be a bit more balanced situation now as J spends time at my place and kids like her as well. I'm trying to learn to see the world more from their view, they have done amazing job, adapted to live in separate homes and even accepted the situation at some level. Doesn't matter if I hate OM or not, the best to my kids is if I tolerate him existing, the less they sense any pressure about it, the better to them. They have been trough more than enough already, seeing their dad hating the guy that spends time with them anyway, is not good for them at all, so I am trying my best.

In two weeks will be an anniversary, an year from the moment she filed for D. I'm still standing. Even moving. Not bad.



 
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online Treasur

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #32 on: December 11, 2018, 04:14:06 AM »
Not bad at all, Silver.
And you should feel good about how hard you have wrestled with your anger about everything in order to be a good healthy father and a decent human.
The exact opposite of bitterness actually.
But the projection pixies, as you say, are active in your xw's head so she will think and say what she does to feed her own story and make herself feel better. Tbh, the issue of your parents is like Projection 101 isn't it?
However, your path is about no longer caring much about her opinion of you or what she thinks you feel. You know what you feel and that's good enough. If at some point your xw is emotionally healthy enough to ask instead of assume, you may or may not choose to discuss it with her.

But your ability - even with the multiple s$it sandwiches that have been served up to you and your kids  - to see some objective 'could be worse' blessings even about om is a testament to your character and strength, Silver.  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #33 on: December 11, 2018, 07:02:06 AM »
But the projection pixies, as you say, are active in your xw's head so she will think and say what she does to feed her own story and make herself feel better. Tbh, the issue of your parents is like Projection 101 isn't it?

This!  Exactly what I was thinking.  On top of that, some maliciousness.  ‘I didn’t have my parents, why should Silver?!  >:(‘ It is totally her problem.  Like you, Silver, I’m not sure she can resolve this issue soon, if ever.  It seems as if the issue is woven into her DNA. 

Love for your children overcomes your misgivings about OM.  That’s what sane adults do.  I’m so glad you were given the capacity to focus on your children’s wellbeing, not the ‘replacement’. 
((((((HUGS)))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #34 on: December 12, 2018, 04:08:34 PM »
Definitely agree with the projection ::)

My xH was the master of projection.  If I wanted to know how he was thinking, I just had to ask about why he hated me and the out pouring of his own stuff would spill out disguised as 'my faults' - they were all his.

It's great things have settled a little for you Silver, much easier to cope with.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #35 on: December 13, 2018, 12:10:43 PM »
OMG Silver. I am still in shock over what she did. How ridiculous and petty.  I will never understand why these crazies want to involve the police. I would be absolutely mortified.  But of course, sounds like xw is butt hurt and wants others to feel her hurt too, even at the expense of the children. Sad thing is, they see everything.

You are working through your anger in such a healthy and altruistic fashion. I am not so sure I would be able to handle it so well (with ow in my face that is).  But your love for your kids is what is keeping you on task. And looking at the world form their perspective? Well, that is what we should all be doing. That makes so much sense. That, and getting off the MLC rollercoaster.  :o

I did have a little chuckle over xw seeming "happy enough" with om. Her temper tantrums speak otherwise. But of course, you are not focusing on her, so it doesn't matter.

Doing amazing my friend.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #36 on: December 31, 2018, 02:22:23 PM »
That makes my blood boil that she called child services on you.  I'm glad that you filed a police report to hopefully protect yourself.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #37 on: January 03, 2019, 04:18:24 AM »
Hi everyone and thanks for replies Treasur, Acorn, Savvy, KIT, Faith (what a group of wise ladies indeed!)

Journaling

Christmas and new year celebrated, all went fine, I had a chance to be with children quite a lot. They got a lot of presents and enjoyed like children should  :)

After my last post, she (and me...) has behaved well. We even have got a bit closer to each other, probably just temporarily  ;D but still, all the communication has been polite and 'normal'.
I sent her some photos of kids when they were with me at holiday and vice versa.

And then there was a bit strange event too... We finally found a buyer for the house, after selling it for 10 months! Not quite the price we would have wanted but what we can live with anyway. After the deal was agreed, we went to the house together, kids as well, to empty some closets which still contained some stuff that needed sharing. All went well, no argument, she was very co-operating. Then kids wanted to play hide & seek in the house... they asked XW and me along of course. I knew it would feel very strange to do it bc we had played together with them when still married. But I saw it like a farewell to the house as much as just play. Like we would have said thank you and good bye to our home, in which we lived together for so many years. It was rather sad actually too.

But what was the actual weird part of it was that after that we did have some minor argument, she got offended for something and I apologized, we solved it like adults very soon. At same evening she texted me something like "you still mean lot to me, it was like it always were as we played with kids" and "I still feel something strong when near you, I almost kissed your head once this fall when we were cleaning closets (I am 100 per cent bold people  ;D) as I always did when we were together and then woke up. The connection between us hasn't lost."

Wow. Touch & go? Probably. Panic for lost anchor, trying to set a new one??

Whatever it was it really surprised me. I have to admit I told her as well that I don't feel connection lost either. Whatever the connection means.
It also reminded me how easy it would be to pick up the rope again, to get sucked into vortex. Got me spinning for a while really.
I am resetting myself now again (as you always did Acorn) accepting the fact that she still has some power over me.

And btw she saw J too, accidently  ::) as XW came to pick up D10, J was there and asked if she should leave. I said no, just wait on the sofa or whatever, she won't come in.
But this time she did, just so she saw J sitting on sofa  :o She actually introduced herself to J. Nice and polite. They wished happy new year to each other.
She probably saw J's shoes in the entry and was too curious not to open the inner door to see her  ;D

So now they have met and I have to admit XW did this with more style than I when I met OM - I didn't say hello but "STAY OUT OF MY WAY"  ;D ;D ;D


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #38 on: January 03, 2019, 10:11:28 AM »
Great update Silver! And for the record, your treatment of OM was bc he was in fact an “OM” whereas J is someone you are dating bc your W divorced you. So.....that grace can be belated. I still think you’ve handled this whole ordeal in a very kind and loving way.

Also, that text to you. Wow. That is so not normal! If we ever want confirmation this is a crisis, I think that would be it.

Glad you are normalized again. Those T&Gs are rough to recover from.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Thunder

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #39 on: January 03, 2019, 10:29:07 AM »
I could be way off but it could have been a way to pull you back in, now that you have a gf.

I'm glad you returned to normal quickly.

Her calling cs could have been her trying to gain control again because she sees she's losing it.  Glad you called the police and made your own report.

I bet those cs's people probably roll their eyes at some of these petty phone calls.

I've never given my kids the wrong meds but I did with my dogs once.  Glad my X didn't report me to our Vet.  lol
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #40 on: January 03, 2019, 09:42:58 PM »
MLCers must have either an "OMG I'm losing him" moment or a "Thank God he has someone new, because he can stop hassling me" moment.  Depends on where the MLCer is on the journey I suppose.

She's obviously wondering if the anchor is holding and seeing you with someone else with challenge her 'beliefs' about you.

Keep doing what you're doing, it's working a treat!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Whyus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #41 on: January 03, 2019, 10:17:35 PM »
Great update silver. I agree with Kit about why she was so polite to J, its a totally different Situation as with OM.
My XW even told my Boys that she felt weird when she saw me with K at the Supermarket! I wouldnt have thought that and not expected her to actually say it.

Leave that rope on the ground mate, you know how heavy it can get once in the Hand again. Sure your still connected, I notice when I speak to XW every 4 months or so that it takes 5 minutes of awkwardness and then we talk as we used to for an hour or so.

So she nearly kissed your freshly polished bald head then  ;D, awesome  ;).
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #42 on: January 04, 2019, 09:03:00 AM »
Hummm, it sounds like she realized you are not pining for her but moving on, and with GF!  You did good not to be reeled back in.  She found out that you were not holding onto the other end of the rope.  Mind you, she may have had a moment of clarity and saw what she threw away.  Too little, too late, I’m afraid. 

Congratulations on the sale of your house.  Yay!  That was so final to her.  No wonder she was thinky.

You are doing marvellously, Silver.  As resilient as ever (an internal reset button in tip top working condition) and seeing the many blessings in your life.  Precious gift!
(((((((HUGS))))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline sisyphus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #43 on: January 04, 2019, 12:47:11 PM »
Hey Silver, I went through the vortex in 2015. Just got engaged on NYE. My ex --who had a PA with OM--left me a long letter on my dresser the weekend I was finally moving out of our marital house for good. I'm guessing she would have said many of the same things you heard that day but I didn't open it or read it.

I have tried to really be cold turkey, cut and dry.

I met someone months after we split up, which in hindsight wasn't a great idea, but I'm still with that woman and now engaged. All that being said, I still gave my ex some mental power, the ability to throw off my day with a simple text and I often fed into and responded. I am really trying to not do that anymore, going even more cold turkey than usual.

Don't pick up the rope, if you can avoid it.

Offline sisyphus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #44 on: January 04, 2019, 12:52:58 PM »
Check that. Lol. I wasn't quite as strong as I said I was so I'll come down from my horse. I did read that letter, according to an old post.

My XW left a letter in my closet, addressed to the nickname she gave. It's a nice note on the surface--"wow, can't believe it's over. never forget what we had. Thanks for our kids."

There was also a line about "Don't let what happened at the end destroy what we had." and a line about "Some days I still hate you down to my core."

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #45 on: January 07, 2019, 12:43:08 AM »
Thank you for inputs KIT, Thunder, Savvy, Whyus , Acorn, sisyphus

I am doing my best to keep the rope on the ground. It is funny that even I consider myself as 'done' these kind of events make my head spin at least for a while...

Few thoughts about XW and OM.

XW and OM have their 1st anniversary together I guess  ::) As I have told before, no matter how bad I may feel about the guy, he really seems not to be affair down if I am totally honest. He seems like ordinary good guy, who works and takes care of his kids coparenting with her XW.

If I think myself being with J, who has separated from his spouse not much more than an year ago... Am I really much better person in his view than OM is to me??
I mean, it is a different situation as J's H was the one that moved out though they had agreed about divorce together, he seems to be a little lost in his life now. I know he has been jealous about me, though I never saw him or he never contacted me in any way. Still if I compare myself to him, he have actually dealed with the situation BETTER than I have with OM.

I'm not telling I'm accepting what my XW did or OM being involved in my kids life, but I have to look this from little further now anyway:
When we still were married with XW, she messed with OM1 and OM2 - one way or another but they were the ones that were involved in her crisis. OM3 who is just OM now to me, current guy, didn't play part in this before XW had already decided to divorce me. That's how I believe it went and that's what OM has told me. He seemed to be very sincere when he wrote to me at last winter that he doesn't understand why I was so hostile against him even my and XW's relationship had ended BEFORE he stepped into a picture. Without understanding MLC he may honestly have thought that everything was ok, that he didn't have any part in crisis, that he even is someone to call "OM".

He may be right, my friends. He plays with cards that XW gave him, and trust me that she have told a story from HER view and in which is easy to see that she just HAD TO DIVORCE me, because of me. I don't agree as you all know so well, but that's the story in which OM stepped in. He is obviously good to my kids and his and my kids have connection with each other. XW seems to be if not happy at least ok with him, she needs someone by her side and imo OM is the one that fills that place, even I do NOT think they have same kind of connection which we had or even still have (she told me about that herself at summer). He still may be 'good enough' for her to share her life with.

She made her choices, I made mine being with J. I am telling everyone here that I am 'done' and moving towards acceptance. Isn't it logical that my next step should be accepting OM at some level? For my kids' sake and as a final move in letting go? Accepting he exists and is part of my children's life regardless of what I think or want? To stop my head spinning and focusing on just living on the best I can, to be able to give J what she deserves without breaks on? And finally to accept that no one knows what happens next why waste my energy thinking of scenarios anymore as long as my kids are safe and both their parents are actively in their lives.

What I DO know is that I probably will be thorn in her side anyway, she obviously has difficulties to leave HER rope dropped  ;D

Not my problem, is it?



"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #46 on: January 07, 2019, 12:54:56 AM »
Wise words as always Silver.
Tbh mate, you may be better off cutting OM some slack and giving him a Chance. Like you wrote, he is not the OM who helped end your M nor was he an AP. He came along after the $h!te hit the fan, this isnt really his mess so as hard as it is. be happy that he is a "good guy" who treats your Kids well. It could have been alot worst.
As for my Ws OM! No Chance of me ever accepting him as he was/is her AP, he was fed lies but knew that she was married with children and was a Major part in my life being blown up. I will never be able to get over this guy  :-[


Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #47 on: January 07, 2019, 01:12:49 AM »
Thanks mate  :)

As for my Ws OM! No Chance of me ever accepting him as he was/is her AP, he was fed lies but knew that she was married with children and was a Major part in my life being blown up. I will never be able to get over this guy  :-[

I wouldn't either if OM drove batmobile. Though his Citroen was even worse  ;D
No offence French people.
He has Opel now anyway.

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #48 on: January 07, 2019, 01:14:30 AM »
You sound good Silver. Leave that rope in the dirt my friend.
I think it is a moment.of clarity . But maybe it's too late.
Stay on track my friend. Keep on living life.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #49 on: January 07, 2019, 01:27:13 AM »
Thanks mate  :)

I wouldn't either if OM drove batmobile. Though his Citroen was even worse  ;D
No offence French people.
He has Opel now anyway.

OM has anAudi A5 now. It was a nice car but hes spent thousands on getting it tuned! Hes killed this car too, Looks rediculous. :o. He a proper Boy racer. What a tool!!  ;D
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #50 on: January 11, 2019, 05:00:31 AM »
I had a convo with XW yesterday.

First we went together with S5 to his annual child health center checkup, which was nice. We still share parenthood and I am sure S5 was happy we both were there.
After she took him to daycare we met at our house and made some final plans for moving out the rest of stuff and after that sat down by kitchen table - the one we sat by so very many times while still together - had a coffee and talked. It was mostly about kids and she gave a full load, actually quite monstering, how she feels that 'nothing works with me bc NOTHING we agree about holds as I change plans by myself and bla bla...' It was like good ole monster got her final show in that kitchen! I listened and didn't agree with her (because what she blamed me about is NOT true). Then she got into the point and told that my problem is that I don't accept OM though he didn't have any part in our breakup (which is probably at least partly the truth) and didn't deserve this kind of behaviour from my side.

I told her that I agree I have had hard time to accept the guy as he spends time with my kids and that the divorce, an year post divorce has been very tough process to me. I also told her that if I am honest, I don't have anything personal against OM as a person, that I don't think he is a bad guy and that there may become a day I actually will apologize something I said to him. But the time is not now if ever and for now it is better for me the less I see the guy. She somehow understood me. At that point we were talking like 2 adults again. Monster left after have her sayings done.

Then I actually did ask her, are they going to get married (at summer XW told they might have get encaged soon but no ring seen...). She was a bit surprised that I asked, I though first she wouldn't tell me a thing but she said that she doesn't want to get married anymore, not even OM had asked her. Wow. I pushed my luck a bit more and asked, just before she had to leave to her job, "did you find a lifetime partner now? Is he the one you are happy with?" (yeah yeah I know never ask a questions but I don't care anymore as I am not standing).
That got her REALLY confused  ;D She tried to find her words to tell me finally that she doesn't know how her life will go, what will happen in the future. How she said it and how she looked.. there are still doubts in her let me tell you. I don't think she is that sure about her decisions anymore, if she ever were.

She asked me why am I asking this, do I have expectations or hopes to get back together some day?

To be totally honest with you guys, I didn't know what to tell her. Expectations, no. Hopes... no?

I told her the truth and said that the only answer I want to give is that I have enough in living my life day by day. That's all.
She said bye and left to work. I sat on the kitchen, feeling confused and felt my feet kicking the rope lying under the table.
I got finally up and left it lying there.


 
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Thunder

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #51 on: January 11, 2019, 06:37:06 AM »
Oh well sometimes it just comes out.  The questions, I mean.

So ok, she is still confused but it's not surprising with an MLCer now, is it?  She has no idea what she wants.

Glad you leave the rope under the table where it belongs.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline megogirl

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #52 on: January 11, 2019, 03:45:35 PM »
She asked me why am I asking this, do I have expectations or hopes to get back together some day?

To be totally honest with you guys, I didn't know what to tell her


AACKKK!!!  Just.can't win.

If you say "no", you are slamming the door on the possibility of a return.  If you say "yes", she can cake-eat, indefinitely.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't......

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #53 on: January 11, 2019, 04:11:33 PM »
Quote
She asked me why am I asking this, do I have expectations or hopes to get back together some day? 

Sounds like she was talking about herself.  Project much?!
You didn’t say or imply any of that and she came up with those words herself.
You were strong and detached enough to frankly tell her about OM and not engage with the monster.  I see a lot of growth there, Silver.  :)

I’m glad you left the rope under the table.  That rope becomes a snake and will bite you if you pick it up. 

((((((HUGS)))))))), Silver, my dear friend.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline megogirl

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #54 on: January 11, 2019, 04:20:30 PM »
YESSSS.....

She's projecting/testing the waters with Silver BIG TIME.  I'm kinda jealous.

Because my STBXH and I no longer speak....I suppose that qualifies for zero% chance of reconciliation?!?

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #55 on: January 11, 2019, 04:35:39 PM »
Because my STBXH and I no longer speak....I suppose that qualifies for zero% chance of reconciliation?!?

Obviously no one can tell the future, hence, HS veterans’ advice to live life to the full and as if they are not coming back is most sensible and the only option.  I tried my best to do that even though my H never left. 

Sorry, Silver, for hijacking your thread!
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #56 on: January 13, 2019, 06:36:18 PM »
Oh boy. I don’t think there are many of us who would have done any different in that convo Silver. Oh boy was she ever projecting!!!

And also, if you blew up your life for this awesome new person, aren’t they “forever”?  And now she can’t see that far? Or if she’ll ever get married again. Hmmmmm seems to be much confusion in this one. Kick that rope away again.

Oh, and please don’t apologize to OM. Not saying be rude to him in the future. But no need for apologies. He may not be the “reason”  for the D, but he was an active participant. And for that, he owes YOU an apology. Just my opinion.

Doing awesome Silver!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Whyus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #57 on: January 14, 2019, 12:46:20 AM »
Your good mate, i think that we all would have asked similar questions. This is all about Timing and I think that the time was right, if it felt right and you were comfortable asking.
I agree with Acorn "That rope becomes a snake and will bite you if you pick it up." I like that visual  ;D.

Stay Silver Silver!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #58 on: January 15, 2019, 01:06:55 AM »
Thank you so much my friends,

So ok, she is still confused but it's not surprising with an MLCer now, is it?  She has no idea what she wants.

I agree, she doesn't know. Her favourite sentence in past year has been "I just need to live my life on for now" without making any long-term moves I suppose. She is in some sort of limbo more than genuinely building a new life or trying to get a fresh start.

If you say "no", you are slamming the door on the possibility of a return.  If you say "yes", she can cake-eat, indefinitely.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't......

That's right, though I don't really care tbh. I was just honest for her, that I don't know what my future holds. I don't even see myself as stander anymore, yet I can't say nothing for sure, tomorrow brings what tomorrow brings.

YESSSS.....
She's projecting/testing the waters with Silver BIG TIME.  I'm kinda jealous.
Because my STBXH and I no longer speak....I suppose that qualifies for zero% chance of reconciliation?!?

Trust me, my life would be easier if she wasn't  ;D
Like Acorn said, you just can't know what are the odds my friend. He may be this today and that tomorrow. Keep up your hope if he still is who you want and remember to live anyway.

Sounds like she was talking about herself.  Project much?!
You didn’t say or imply any of that and she came up with those words herself.
You were strong and detached enough to frankly tell her about OM and not engage with the monster.  I see a lot of growth there, Silver.  :)

Acorn, you know how important part YOU have been in my process, still are, I will always be greatful for that. Thank you still being there.

Oh boy. I don’t think there are many of us who would have done any different in that convo Silver. Oh boy was she ever projecting!!!

And also, if you blew up your life for this awesome new person, aren’t they “forever”?  And now she can’t see that far? Or if she’ll ever get married again. Hmmmmm seems to be much confusion in this one. Kick that rope away again.

Oh, and please don’t apologize to OM. Not saying be rude to him in the future. But no need for apologies. He may not be the “reason”  for the D, but he was an active participant. And for that, he owes YOU an apology. Just my opinion.

KIT, she seems to be so unsure about herself and future. As I asked her are they moving together, she couldn't answer to that either. She said she really don't know and boy, did she look like it too  ;D She is not kind of person that stays still but rather makes quick, even big decisions to "move on" in her life. Now it seems that her moving on is without direction. I do believe they will move together, maybe even soon. But I wouldn't bet my money for it to last very long.

What comes to apologizing OM... I agree but the problem is, I DO believe the guy. He seems very honest man. I believe that XW sold him the reality that he didn't find anything wrong to step in. I understood that in very beginning. He is just a divorced guy with kids who met attractive divorced woman who wanted to start a relationship with him. I mean, think about it, why wouldn't he, if the story was all told from my XW's view? I feel bad being so nasty to him, this is grazy that I speak about OM this way! But being totally honest, I don't think he deserved it.

Your good mate, i think that we all would have asked similar questions. This is all about Timing and I think that the time was right, if it felt right and you were comfortable asking.
I agree with Acorn "That rope becomes a snake and will bite you if you pick it up." I like that visual  ;D.

Stay Silver Silver!

Thanks Mate, for being there so many times for me as well. Keep rocking.





"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #59 on: January 18, 2019, 01:22:00 AM »
I had a strange WTF moment yesterday.

XW texted me is it ok that she goes to our house (wich won't be ours anymore more than 2 weeks from now!) to do the snow clearing job (we had a LOT of snow yesterday). She offered to do that bc I did the most of the paper works and other stuff relating to house selling. That alone was WTF moment, as this far she only has told ME that I have to do MORE at the house, and claimed that she has done more this and that (not true). Now she actually voluntarely offered to do this? And it wasn't really a small job, we got new snow perhaps 15-20 cm:s (which is something like 6-7 inches) and snow jobs are done with snow scoops, the area is big enough too to call it a JOB. I thanked her for offering and so she did the job.

But that's not all of it, she sent another text to me as well. It was a picture of a certain, cute animal, which was her pet name to me when still together?!?
No explanations, just a picture, texted animal's name under it and laughing emoji.

Even trying to avoid overanalyzing anything... Just couple of weeks ago she wrote that I still mean lot to her and how she almost kissed my balled shiny head when we met at the house and now she sent this  :o Add this to her obvious confusion about her future with OM (she told me she is not getting married even he would want to, and didn't even know if they are moving together or not, 10 months ago they were planning that if I remember right) and conclusion might just be that she is kind of lost in her journey. These are of course touch & go's, anchor checks, whatever but I believe she can't just let go, even though she wants to and tries very hard.

Could it be that leaving Silver didn't make her happy after all? Even with such an perfect OM?? Lack of 'true connection' perhaps?  ;D

 
(Shouldn't laugh...)

Anyway have a great weekend, all you brave & beautiful LBS people around the world!
 8)






« Last Edit: January 18, 2019, 01:24:08 AM by Silver »
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #60 on: January 18, 2019, 02:46:53 AM »
Silver

Leaving Silver didn’t make her happy. You got it.  MLC causes such a mess doesn’t it. Understatement I know!

Whatever is happening it’s better she is sending you photos of cute animals than invitations to court for snooping. You’ll not let her drag you in, but hope it lightens your load a bit.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #61 on: January 18, 2019, 03:03:15 AM »
Maybe there is a bit of light coming into her MLC tunnel momentarily?
It sounds as though her unexplainable discontentment is easing a little.  For a little while, anyhow. 
It would be interesting to see how she deals with that little bit of light. 
Don’t pick that rope, Silver!
((((((HUGS))))))), my dear friend.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Whyus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #62 on: January 18, 2019, 04:28:04 AM »
WTF indeed Silver  :o
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #63 on: January 18, 2019, 04:46:18 AM »
Could it be that leaving Silver didn't make her happy after all? Even with such an perfect OM?? Lack of 'true connection' perhaps?  ;D

You don't say! Really? She didn't find her magical happiness with her Schmoopie? IMAGINE my surprise....

Shocking!

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #64 on: January 29, 2019, 01:51:44 AM »
Thank you Rose, Acorn, Whyus & UM (love the GIF  ;D)

Yep, no big surprise for LBS people  ::)

Journaling

This week is kind of BIG DEAL bc we FINALLY sold the house yesterday! It is done and money got from it. The house is virtually empty already and cleaning lady is going to do her job tomorrow. At thursday we give the keys to new owner and from friday the house is all theirs. We didn't get quite the money from sell we would like to have got but taking account the fact that we sold it 10 months and it is really not cheap to keep the big house empty, we should be happy for the result. I got my economics at least a little better balance now though I have mortgage big enough for the new home of course (and other loans as well).

I believe this is important step psychologically too. To me anyway, don't know about XW but I see it as the end of era, a phase that was meant to end. It is not easy to leave the house which was our home. So many memories in it, good and bad but mostly good to me. I have spent a lot of time at the house lately (carried my stuff out which I left there at last spring as I moved out, threw a lot of stuff away too) and let the memories flow. I sat there alone and just let myself feel whatever I feel. I also thanked the house for everything and said goodbuy to it  ::)
It was a good house and I believe and pray that new owners will live happy in it.
There is a time for everything.

XW also gave me another good WTF moment! She texted to me that she would like to take kids to somewhere warm this year, but she feels S5 is too challenging to travel alone with. It came obvious that she would like ME to join them  :o I asked why aren't they going with OM for which she didn't reply. She wouldn't see anything strange in it if we travelled together. I told her it is not very simple and that even it would be very nice for kids, they would probably make false expectations too, would be so easy to misread the situation in their view.

Just another "Let's play family!" from her I guess  :o ::)


   


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online Treasur

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #65 on: January 29, 2019, 01:59:26 AM »
SO not your problem if she finds your son 'challenging to travel with'... ::)
Quite right...no more 'fake' family or ignoring consequences of her choices....she could hire a temporary travel nanny, invite a friend, go with OM..or just be a grown up parent and deal with it. Lots of choices, none of which need you  :)

WTF indeed...it's like being fired from a job and then asked to help out for free. Ridiculous.

I'm sorry if the house was a bittersweet moment but as you say a concrete bit of letting go to move forward too.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2019, 02:00:47 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #66 on: January 29, 2019, 02:39:18 AM »
Quote from: Silver
I asked why aren't they going with OM for which she didn't reply. She wouldn't see anything strange in it if we travelled together. I told her it is not very simple and that even it would be very nice for kids, they would probably make false expectations too, would be so easy to misread the situation in their view.

Just another "Let's play family!" from her I guess  :o ::)

Please please please tell me you didn't REALLY ask that question... OMG!  Did you REALLY ask that?

Are you trying to poke the Monster with a cattle prod? ROFL

Seriously though, my STBXW has suggested those kind of trips to and, although there is no longer an OM on the scene, I just gave her the  WTF look.... The fog is thick there.....

Treasur has it right though.... At least in my situation, it would mean that I take care of the kids while she goes and lays on the beach or sleeps or whatever. If I am going to deal with my kids alone, then I'll take them on holiday alone. At least then it would be fun.....

I know what you mean about the house.... STBXW set it up that we'd get the last stuff out of ours together and then bailed out (surprise!) showing up at the very end when it was all said and done.... I too had one last walk-through and dealt with the memories... She ran off as soon as possible....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #67 on: January 29, 2019, 04:35:31 AM »
Silver
Glad you got your house sold. I know it was not your plans my friend, but it's one less thing in your mind now. 
Treasurs example is spot on. If they ask you to work for free after you were fired????? What would you say Silver????  I'd say the same answer.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #68 on: January 29, 2019, 04:54:13 AM »
Congrats on the house sale Silver. Its hard, I know but after 13 months I do not miss the old house one Little bit.
About the Holiday Suggestion......... nah, not worth the effort in writting anything about it. You know the drill  ;D
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #69 on: January 29, 2019, 04:54:47 AM »
Dear Silver, I’m glad the house matter is dealt with.  A lot of money was tied up in that and now you can breathe a sigh of relief.

As for her wanting you to come along on a trip to babysit S, it is stranger and more ridiculous than a cheap fiction.  You are a cheeky lad for asking her about taking OM along!  Yep, that was a missile sized truth pole.  Thanks for the first laugh of the morning.  Which part of ‘I cheated, divorced and broke up the family’ doesn’t she get?!  Going forward, I hope your answer remains a firm ‘no thank you.’

Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Thunder

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #70 on: January 29, 2019, 05:26:45 AM »
I agree with Acorn Silver, as long as there is OM in the picture..nope to family time.
She tossed that away.

For one thing how does she think her OM would feel about that?  Crazy..I tell ya.
Would she cheat on him too?   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #71 on: January 29, 2019, 05:56:29 AM »
I agree with Acorn Silver, as long as there is OM in the picture..nope to family time.
She tossed that away.

For one thing how does she think her OM would feel about that?  Crazy..I tell ya.
Would she cheat on him too?   ::)

Well, it's not unknown is it????
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #72 on: January 29, 2019, 06:00:32 AM »
I agree with Acorn Silver, as long as there is OM in the picture..nope to family time.
She tossed that away.

For one thing how does she think her OM would feel about that?  Crazy..I tell ya.
Would she cheat on him too?   ::)

Well, it's not unknown is it????

I think that is what is called "Cake Eating" isn't it?  There are a few stories of the male MLC'ers pulling that little stunt (sleeping with the LBS while boinking the OW too) but not the other way around... yet....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #73 on: January 29, 2019, 06:07:09 AM »
Not with us knowing about OM anyway????

Offline Whyus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #74 on: January 29, 2019, 07:03:26 AM »
hmm, I had sex with XW twice after I kicked her out and OM was known to me.
the first time I had a gig and she was in my bed at 4:30am when i returned, we done the deed, slept, woke and done it agian, had breakfast and then again. 2 days of friendly Texts and Walking the Dogs together and then she ran off to OM again! Why was still where she wanted him I guess....
I initiated it the second time because I was horny and she went with it! Yes, she cheated on OM with her H, MLC is sooooooo firetrucked up!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #75 on: January 29, 2019, 07:58:15 AM »
Thanks people,

What caught my eye was this:

the first time I had a gig and she was in my bed at 4:30am when i returned, we done the deed, slept, woke and done it agian, had breakfast and then again.

nah...not a man in your age mate
 ;D
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #76 on: January 29, 2019, 11:41:35 PM »
I hadnt had any in months and I was still crazy about her dude.... wouldnt go anywhere near her now though. I dont even find her attractive anymore and she was "the most beautiful Girl in the world" just 2 years ago.
Once you get them off that imaginary pedastall and start seeing the cracks it gets easier.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #77 on: January 30, 2019, 05:21:00 AM »
Ok Whyus, I believe you  ;)

Just a little update here,

Yesterday evening I got monster all over me again. Lucky me only via SMS. Monster raged me that I am "a total loser" and "can't handle anything" and told me to piss off. She was that mad bc I accidentally had forgot to swipe couple of kitchen closets in our empty house and even forgot some of my stuff to a drawer (yes to a single drawer). You know, perhaps the worst mistake in my life! Oh wait a minute, it wasn't as correcting that will take me 2 minutes. She of course couldn't do it for me even she was at the house and I was at my home and that would have been waaaaayy too nice from the monster, right?? Oh she feels happy doesn't she??  ;D

Yesterday as I was melting the freezer and picking up the very rest of my stuff from the house (well except my huge mistake's stuff from a drawer), J was along and helped me a lot. Which made it interesting was XW who popped up too  :o They shook hands with J and introduced themselves (this far they had only seen each other from a reasonable distance...) to each other. J was cool, no problem for her. XW wasn't there for long, just took her stuff and left. Later that evening I went to XW's to pick up kids' stuff. Of course OM was there as well. He said hi as he always does, from a reasonable and safe distance which he learned to maintain after what happened at oct as he came to open XW's door (I was picking up the kids then) with his hand lent and which I did not take, but instead told him to stay away from my way  ;D

This time I said hi too. Like an adult, can you imagine? I can't yet I did it. I bet he was suprised. I felt good, bc he really didn't matter to me, no big emotions to me. I just said hi and talked with XW at the doorway, took kids' stuff and left. The guy was just a character hanging out at background. Let the man be, I mean HE is the one dealing with XW's crisis, I am less and less as the house was the final thing that bonded us in addition to children of course, and now it is sold. We have no financial stuff to deal with each other anymore. Everything between her and I, from now on, is related to kids. I have told her that I am very willing to co-operate to make coparenting work. She has less and less weapons to poke me with. I care less and less about her crisis tbh.

I feel I am permanently sliding away from her, for good. To be totally honest, I told her this week that I can't see a scenario where she and I would be in relationship again.

I wonder if all this is something that woke up monster again.





"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #78 on: January 30, 2019, 05:33:02 AM »
Your situation may be different but....

Whenever xW1 would go full-blown Monster, it meant all was not Cotton Candy Clouds, Puppy dogs, rainbows, and Unicorns farting glitter in Schmoopieland.... If her life was not going well, she'd go ape-$#!t on me....

Since it was in the times before text (yes, I AM that old), I got it via screaming int he phone which I hung up on after giving her a warning....

As far as her texts, ignore them... but save them for future reference if needed...

Since you basically told her that the anchor has picked up and her fall-back position is now gone, she is bound to be angry and nervous.. She's now on the High Wire without a safety net...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #79 on: January 30, 2019, 06:37:10 AM »
Ok Whyus, I believe you  ;)
firetrucking hope so, we should meet for a Cyber Jameson again soon  ::)

Yesterday evening I got monster all over me again. Lucky me only via SMS. Monster raged me that I am "a total loser" and "can't handle anything" and told me to piss off. She was that mad bc I accidentally had forgot to swipe couple of kitchen closets in our empty house and even forgot some of my stuff to a drawer (yes to a single drawer).
You are such a loser, no wonder she went into crisis the poor Little Thing.....!!!!!!!

I feel I am permanently sliding away from her, for good. To be totally honest, I told her this week that I can't see a scenario where she and I would be in relationship again.
You never told her that did you?!!!!

I wonder if all this is something that woke up monster again.
MOST PROBABLY   ;D
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #80 on: January 31, 2019, 01:52:28 AM »
UM, sounds familiar, I had my part too via phone but tbh I prefer text monstering...

I will save texts, I have all saved since 2015 or something I guess  ::)

Whyus, offer accepted! My drynuary is about to end anyway...

We will have appointment with social worker this afternoon, XW was the one requested that. She wants to talk about children custody stuff I guess.
I'm a bit nervous tbh, never know what to expect. What I do know is that if she demands S5's primary custody to her (I'm primary parent atm) we will go to court, all the way.
Really hope that that's not the case since it only would make us both to lose a lot of money to lawyers.
We'll see, wish me luck.


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #81 on: January 31, 2019, 02:25:18 AM »
Good luck mate, its neverending isnt it?

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #82 on: January 31, 2019, 02:46:53 AM »
Thanks mate, I need it, though just got a SMS from social worker that she is ill and our appointment will be rescheduled.

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #83 on: January 31, 2019, 04:12:44 AM »
Thanks mate, I need it, though just got a SMS from social worker that she is ill and our appointment will be rescheduled.



Is that social worker ill or XW?

Really wish your XW would just stop now! Agh - this won’t make her happier!

Good luck when it eventually happens. 🍀

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #84 on: February 01, 2019, 12:02:47 AM »

Is that social worker ill or XW?

Really wish your XW would just stop now! Agh - this won’t make her happier!

Good luck when it eventually happens. 🍀

Rose 🌹

Hey my running friend, good to see you  :)

Social worker was ill, she texted me just couple of hours before the appointment. Don't know when rescheduled meeting takes place.

Yet another glimpse of prisoner seen yesterday. I tried to call XW to her both phones (her own and her work cellphone) to tell that social worker got ill and appointment is rescheduled.
She didn't answer so I texted to her both phones, making sure she gets the message asap.

She aswered from her work phone that she got the message. Shortly after that she wrote another messages from work phone, saying "These SMS:s have really changed, haven't they? ::)".
I didn't quite understand first but looked then the SMS thread - last time she used her work phone for texting me was at summer 2017. It was quite a contrast, her message to me back then was that she misses me a lot, there were hearts from me to her and so on... Now we text about social workers and custody arguements  ::) The thread looked absurd tbh.

Something is moving in her, it is probably the fact she doesn't have anchors (like you said UM) attached anymore. She is unsure about OM, I'm pretty sure about that, it was really obvious last time we talked with her face to face in peace, and she doesnt' have me as PLAN B either. That makes her throw these kind of comments, send me a photo of cute animal she used to pet name me when still together... 3 months ago it wouldn't have been possible.

I believe she NEEDS OM bc she needs SOMEONE. She is not the one that could face life by her own, especially not in this situation. She needs a saviour and I see VERY CLEARLY, looking retrospective, that I was the one that saved her last time. She was totally mess at that time emotionally, just divorced from cheating husband, just lost her mom etc. I even remember her saying to me that I saved her etc.

And that's what is the difference between her and I. I don't need anyone. I was alone after D and felt just fine by myself, before J came into a picture. I don't feel I NEED J though I want her.

I really don't see her being brave enough to leave her tunnel.

EDIT: I didn't reply at all for her SMS...
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #85 on: February 01, 2019, 05:20:08 AM »
Why am I not surprised to hear that XW is no longer sure about OM!  That’s what limerance is.  Here one day, gone tomorrow.  Some say 3 to 36 months shelf life.  It either advances to the next level of building trust, love and loyalty, or it is kaput!  A person in emotional crisis would find it very difficult to get to the next level because trust, love and loyalty are a 2 way street, give and take.  I think MLCer is less than capable of giving those treasures to another person. 

You are doing so well, Silver, and that makes me ridiculously happy! :)  You have a mature approach to the significance of another person in your life - you want her, not need her.  J is not your opium.  J is not filling a void in you.  You are whole and complete all on your own, warts and all.  If you have moments of doubt, you will process that in your head and rediscover that sense of you ‘being enough’ again. 

((((((HUGS))))))

This post is meant as a vote of confidence in you, Silver. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Thunder

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #86 on: February 01, 2019, 05:32:32 AM »
Ok what is SMS?   :)

You're sounding very grounded Silver.  You did your inner work and are much stronger for it.  I applaud you.  :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #87 on: February 01, 2019, 05:49:30 AM »
Ok what is SMS?   :)

You're sounding very grounded Silver.  You did your inner work and are much stronger for it.  I applaud you.  :)

ROFL....

SMS is the European Designation of a short text message sent from cell phone to cell phone... It stands for Short Messaging System

The Original Twitter.... Limited to 160 characters and from on emobil user to another...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #88 on: February 01, 2019, 06:57:58 AM »
Oh ok, thank you.  I've seen it written before but never knew what it meant.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #89 on: February 04, 2019, 02:10:20 AM »
Thank you my friends,

This post is meant as a vote of confidence in you, Silver.

I appreciate that very much Acorn, as you know  :)

What comes to SMS:s, I actually didn't know it is an European term only, I have used it from very start here at HS, thinking that everyone knows what I'm talking about  ;D


Journaling

I met new owners at the house last thursday, gave the keys to them and we walked trough the house with them. Kids were there too, D10 brought her friend too. This was kids final goodbuys to their old home. They were very brave though S5 got tears in his eyes which broke my heart. XW wasn't there at all.

Today she has been monstering via SMS:s like he*l. She told me I am sadistic bc I took kids with me at house and made them cry  :o :o :o

I told her she could have been there as well if she would want to and that kids got make their own minds if they wanted to come or not. They did bc they wanted to say goodbuy to house and I felt it was their right to do so. We got there half an hour before owners came so kids had time to look the place in peace.

XW said that this was my sadistic grieving ritual and that I messed kids in it too  :o  WTF moment of the year 2019 this far.

She threatened me by official worker, to take primary custody from me bla bla, again. The "best" part was she told me that I have been projecting everything on her all the time, that I am unhappy now bc I don't have any control on HER anymore since house is sold  :o :o :o :o :o

WTF moment of the year 2019 this far. It will be a tough competition this year I guess!

I then suggested her that as our communication is 95 % via text messages, let me just print the whole long thread out and we can give it to social worker, so she will have objective material to make up her mind about all the accusations XW is throwing on me.

XW told me no, she doesn't give her permission to print our SMS thread  ;D

I wonder why is that  ::)








 
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #90 on: February 04, 2019, 02:23:08 AM »
Could it POSSIBLY be since she knows she's behaving like an a$$hat and, of course, doesn't want anyone else to see it?

Nooooooooo......  ::)

Projection 101.....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #91 on: February 04, 2019, 02:49:18 AM »
Somebody seems to be loosing her cool Silver, i wonder why. Total projection onher part, probably because she has no more power over Silver and she doesnt like it.

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #92 on: February 04, 2019, 04:20:31 AM »
Quote
She threatened me by official worker, to take primary custody from me bla bla, again. The "best" part was she told me that I have been projecting everything on her all the time, that I am unhappy now bc I don't have any control on HER anymore since house is sold  :o :o :o :o :o

WTF moment of the year 2019 this far. It will be a tough competition this year I guess!

Yep, this wins the top prize for projection.   It’s the first time I read about someone projecting projection! 

You can read her like a book through all her projections. 
She is having a hard time about the house being sold. 
She knows she is losing the control she thought she has over you.
O well.  Not sure if the MLC oven is even turned on...

You keep marching forward, my friend.  I can see you are waaaaaay ahead of her. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #93 on: February 05, 2019, 12:25:18 AM »
Could it POSSIBLY be since she knows she's behaving like an a$$hat and, of course, doesn't want anyone else to see it?

Could it be?? What makes you think of that?!  ;D

Somebody seems to be loosing her cool Silver, i wonder why. Total projection onher part, probably because she has no more power over Silver and she doesnt like it.

You can read her like a book through all her projections. 
She is having a hard time about the house being sold. 
She knows she is losing the control she thought she has over you.
O well.  Not sure if the MLC oven is even turned on...

I agree, the more time pass, the better I see this. I believe she has now understood but not accepted that her anchor is gone and that makes her freak out. That's why she does her everything to get back feel of control.

Journaling (a bit long story again, sorry)

Like I wrote, yesterday was total monstering from her side. I'm not very proud to say she got me sucked in it, then again I AM proud I have finally made clear that I don't give a s**t about her threats or insults anymore. That she can talk to social worker whatever she likes but she has to be aware that I am fighting for my rights and do whatever it takes not to let her doormat me in any way anymore. I have what it takes to prove that I am a good father and that if she applies the primary custody of S5, it is based on lies. Even if I lost, it wouldn't be THAT big deal as in my country primary custody (parency?) is different from joint custody as a term. We will still be 50/50 parents no matter which one is "primary parent". The only thing that could make trouble would be if primary parent chose to move somewhere with kids. I don't believe she will but you never know, I don't trust her.

Anyway, I took D10 to doctor yesterday as was planned. Doc was 45 mins late so I had time to text  ::) I told XW that since I payed back her 10 000 euros loan to me when we sold the house, I need IOU back and a receipt about it. She refused to give it to me. She told me that I have to PROVE that she got the money  :o Well she did, she texted me a week ago as the money from houseselling came that 10 k euros is now ok and she got it to her account. Just like we planned with our bank. I answered her that I have her text saying she got the money and I have no intention nor responsibility to prove anything. She still refused to give receipt so I told her that if I don't get IOU and receipt at the end of wednesday, I will make a claim to court, bc it is in our law that creditor has to give those papers when debt is paid. There is no reason for her to decline and she will have 10 days total to find these papers, should be enough!
I guess this is all again about desperately trying to have some control on me...

I took D10 back to XW's and went inside. XW didn't came to see me at all, she didn't answer to me as I asked does she want to hear what doc said. Instead she threw me out!  :o :o :o
Nothing too dramatic but in front of my kids asked me to leave. So I left and texted the doc's regards to her later from home.

This is the level we are operating atm. I'm reaching acceptance little by little, she cycles in her replay from anger to adulation and back to anger again. She is getting near 2 years replay mark soon. I feel even sorry for her at times.


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #94 on: February 05, 2019, 01:08:18 AM »
REALLY sounds like she is taking a page from my xW1's Monstering playbook....

Sorry about that for both you and your kids....

Her life is breaking apart and she's not happy so ..... If Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy!

You HAVE thrown down the gauntlet though with regards to getting acknowledgement of the payment of the 10K so you will need to be ready to actually follow through WHEN (NOT if but WHEN) she doesn't provide you with the documentation required....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #95 on: February 05, 2019, 05:04:03 AM »
No Need to feel sorry for her Silver, she knows that she is being a total tit atm and it is not your fault. Shes in her own hole and still digging, nothing to do with you and certainly not your fault.
Im sorry that the Kids had to see her throw you out  >:(
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #96 on: February 05, 2019, 05:44:36 AM »
You HAVE thrown down the gauntlet though with regards to getting acknowledgement of the payment of the 10K so you will need to be ready to actually follow through WHEN (NOT if but WHEN) she doesn't provide you with the documentation required....

Yes!!! 

She is a petulant teenager.  Or maybe a ‘terrible two’...  Whatever her emotional age is, consequences for her behaviour is the only way forward.  I don’t think the latest tantrums will be her last, so, it is important to establish what tangible and life-affecting consequences are for her words and actions.  You need a third party (e.g. court) to pronounce the consequences.  I hope you follow it through, Silver.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Thunder

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #97 on: February 05, 2019, 06:42:53 AM »
Oh Silver, no let up yet I see.

You're doing good taking the control away from her and taking back your own control.

She won't like it but she'll get over it.   Stay as you are.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #98 on: February 05, 2019, 07:37:16 AM »
Oh Silver, no let up yet I see.

You're doing good taking the control away from her and taking back your own control.

She won't like it but she'll get over it.   Stay as you are.   :)

Yeah, she'll get over it... It may take her 10 years like my xW with lots of prematurely ended phone calls and a "cease and desist" order but she'll get over it some day....

The bigger thing is that you'll get to the place where it's just another



thing....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #99 on: February 05, 2019, 10:40:22 AM »
Petulant teenager is my favorite description of these people Acorn!

Silver I am so impressed.  You stood your ground. And I am glad you have that text-string b/c you may just need it!  She really is trying to hang on. What will she do when Silver is no longer around to control? Hmmmmm, looks like we will find out.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #100 on: February 05, 2019, 11:32:35 PM »
Thank you UM, Whyus, Acorn, Thunder, KIT

"I don't care lol bye" will definitely be my motto for this year  ;D ;D ;D

Journaling (again)

A perfect example about what living in MLC is... After my latest update, monster disappeared. No sign of her. XW texted me yesterday, being VERY co operative how I would like her to handle this IOU/receipt thing, what she should sign and where and what is my schedule for it... I guess it hit her home that I actually will take the whole debt to court if I don't get the documents that belongs to me. Like that wasn't jawdropping enough, she texted me this morning if I could call her, she wanted to talk about S and D, how they have been stressed and she is a little worried about especially S5 as he wouldn't want go to daycare, teases her sister a lot etc.

I called her and let me tell you, it was amazingly adultlike and appropriate discussion. She even took some of my feedback about her talking to S5 behind my back something (not relevant here) that I didn't like about. We talked about the possibility that kids, specially S5 may react now to divorce much later than D10, since the house selling has made the divorce more concrete and final in his mind. We agreed that we will talk in peace with both of kids, ask about how they feel about everything atm and will try to get along with each other (me and XW) better etc. She asked me about summer again, if it would be possible to take kids to trip together, which I refused. I suggested she would ask her sister, TGF or go with OM and I would do my trips with kids alone  ;D Not sure how she took that tbh...

So things are more peaceful in Lalaland... for a while... trying to enjoy about it...


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #101 on: February 05, 2019, 11:37:26 PM »
Nice that you could talk again, its easier and it was about the Kids so all is good.
Journaling (again)
She asked me about summer again, if it would be possible to take kids to trip together, which I refused. I suggested she would ask her sister, TGF or go with OM and I would do my trips with kids alone  ;D Not sure how she took that tbh...

This is pure Gold! Unbelievable[/b]!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #102 on: February 06, 2019, 12:36:41 AM »
She asked me about summer again, if it would be possible to take kids to trip together, which I refused. I suggested she would ask her sister, TGF or go with OM and I would do my trips with kids alone  ;D Not sure how she took that tbh...

So things are more peaceful in Lalaland... for a while... trying to enjoy about it...



The fog is thick with that one... 36 hours after going on a massive Monster rant and now she wants to take a summer trip together?
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #103 on: February 06, 2019, 11:53:26 AM »
"I'm taking you to court!"

"You have destroyed our kids!"

"You never paid me  anything and you can't prove it!"


"Oh hey.....want to travel together with our beautiful children this summer?"

I mean if ever there was a clear case that MLC exists, I am pretty sure this is it! And you handled it like the pro you are Silver.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #104 on: February 08, 2019, 12:02:09 AM »
Thanks guys,

It is funny how mind works. Getting rid of the house, even it was painful and sad, has definitely been big deal for me. Not only bc it makes living easier concretely (money, time spent maintaining and selling the house) but mentally as well. I'm still cycling like every LBS, but the feel of acceptance (when having a good day) has never been this strong and genuine.
It is due time of course but cutting the bonds with XW is important to me as well. I feel, at least today, that I'm quite ready to focus on co parenting better than ever, to make peace with XW the best I can and try to co operate with her.

This, of course, conflicts with several facts, like that I have a crime case pending (I made police report at oct bc she did false and lie based report to children welfare of my parents) about her  ::)
But hey, this is what it is, in Silver's way - I am not that good at being patient LBS, but I'm good at setting boundaries for what I think is mine and for my and my kids' rights.
Call it what you will, but staying cool & doing nothing with this lady is just not working, I would have been absolutely doormatted if I did nothing.

Counting from pre symptoms of MLC, this is my 5th year in. I don't care anymore how she ends her journey as long as we can be parents together and I don't have to be worried about children or my rights for them (like shared custody). I don't even feel much against OM, he is what he is and treats my kids good. He is living his life the best he can, can't blame the guy for that.

So I'm quite detached I guess. At least today, tomorrow may be different but f**k that, going to enjoy THIS day - which I'm going to spend with J after work is done.

Have a good weekend, stay strong and believe in YOU, all you brave and beautiful LBS people all around. You got this. We got this.
 8)

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online Treasur

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #105 on: February 08, 2019, 12:19:42 AM »
I think you do feel that sense of real detachment when you start to hit it, don't you? And yes, getting rid of the ties as much as possible does help tremendously in seeing them as something other and no longer our business as you say, Silver.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #106 on: February 08, 2019, 04:32:36 AM »
Silver, you seem to have progressed to another level of healing.  No longer seeing OM as a detestable enemy is one of the evidences.  So is your resolve to do the right thing by the kids and cocoperate with XW in parenting.   You always wanted to do all this and there lies one of the reasons why you are doing so well, keep moving forward and healing.  Not only that you wanted all those positive perspectives but continually prodded yourself to do better, such as improving the quality of  :-X, practicing the rule of 3, etc.  You acknowledge when you fail and then you dust yourself off and keep going again.  Your journal entries attest to that.  Wanting is good, but working on those wants will get you the desired results.  I continue to learn from you, Silver! 

I see you filing the police report as being part of co-parenting better.  It is drawing the boundaries in clear terms - she must NOT use the kids for her vendetta against you. 

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))) from a serial hugger ;D
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #107 on: February 10, 2019, 02:53:38 PM »
WTF indeed...it's like being fired from a job and then asked to help out for free. Ridiculous.

This was several pages back as I was playing catch up but it made me laugh and also nod my head in agreement.

M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #108 on: February 11, 2019, 02:15:18 AM »
Thank you Treasur, Acorn, Faith
WTF indeed...it's like being fired from a job and then asked to help out for free. Ridiculous.

This was several pages back as I was playing catch up but it made me laugh and also nod my head in agreement.


I remember years back XW ranting how she can't understand people that divorce and then stay friends or connected to each other in any way!
Well here we are  ;D Of course with kids involved we have to get along and stay in contact but c'mon "let's make trip together just like good old days?!"  :o

And you should remember too that she has milked me more than 10 k euros after divorce, I told her that even if I would go I couldn't afford travel abroads this year.

Talking about money, the story for 10 k euros is long and complicated so I will save you from it. But just as a reminder to any newbie reading this:

DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING when dealing with MLCer, before you have approval from your lawyer or at least someone else you trust on has read the paper trough and given you opinion.

It is WAY TOO EASY TO FALL into pit with their manipulative behaviour and give them what they want - in false expectations it would have some positive effect on your relationship with them.
Do. Not. Do it.

I really could have used that money myself but it is too late to cry over spilt milk.






"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Thunder

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #109 on: February 11, 2019, 03:11:09 AM »
Lesson learned the hard way. >:(

Thanks for warning newbies. 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #110 on: February 11, 2019, 03:24:31 AM »
You sound good Silver. It's obvious W is still in confused la la land state of mind.  You said your not goid at being patient??
I disagree Silver. I think you are. You are still dealing with MLC  shenanigans and your handling them the right way.
You mentioned 5 years. Most all people wouldn't have any patience left my friend, but you do.
Hang in there Silver.
I hope your weekend was a good one.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #111 on: February 20, 2019, 06:49:25 PM »
Still continuing on the journey with you Silver.  I may not post much but I do read.  Your life seems much calmer than the early days, although the court case is a bit of a problem ::)

I hope your wife decides to tell the truth before the court date. MLCers are s stupid bunch.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #112 on: February 24, 2019, 11:21:58 PM »
Thank you Thunder, Helping, Savvy,

It's been a while, not much happened really in my story what comes to MLC. What comes to court date, Savvy, I'm still optimistic we don't have to go to the court level at all but we will see...

I have done my best to keep things calm and polite, to keep the subject in children's things between me and XW. I have tried to be nice to her, but she doesn't seem to stand it for some reason. I guess she needs to hate me or whatever she is feeling atm, but not to be in friendly anyway.

We texted to each other yesterday, about schedules and stuff. I though that she handled well S5's doctor visit, just something not relevant to write here but relates to blood tests... So I sort of thanked her for that. Just a little compliment yet I meant it. She answered somtehing like "you can stop that theatre you are doing since it is only for custody social worker anyway, trying to be nice to me in texts so you have that documented..." Ok. Nice. My reply was "ok, as you wish, just wanted to say what was in my mind, I don't give a f**k about acting nice as I don't need it". She seems to take anyting friendly or even just trying to be civil and ADULT like opportunistic and fake.

She just can't take Silver the nice guy, she needs to feel only negative feelings about me, that's the only reason I found for her behaviour.

I'm going to see her today so I guess it is better not to smile or try to be nice in any way  ::)
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #113 on: February 25, 2019, 01:03:54 AM »

She answered somtehing like "you can stop that theatre you are doing since it is only for custody social worker anyway, trying to be nice to me in texts so you have that documented..."
This sounds like projection to me Silver, Ignore it. Thats maybe the reason that she would be nice so she asumes that you are doing the same. The difference is that you are sane and she is bonkers.

She just can't take Silver the nice guy, she needs to feel only negative feelings about me, that's the only reason I found for her behaviour.
Yes, 100%. Thats it, just that.

I'm going to see her today so I guess it is better not to smile or try to be nice in any way  ::)
Stay nice and friendly, dont let her turn you into the Silver who she wants to see because that is not you. It will just help her justify her decisions.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #114 on: February 25, 2019, 02:56:03 AM »
WhyUs already said everything that I was thinking reading your post... She gets mad at your being polite because she is the one playing that game... so she accuses you... of what she is doing.... Projction

Just remain nice and friendly and let her be the Monster... Then you DO have it documented for the social worker... Heh... Just because you weren't being friendly for that reason doesn't mean that you can't use it for that purpose if she insists...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #115 on: February 26, 2019, 05:58:10 AM »
Thanks Whyus and UM,

Journaling

Me and XW met yesterday at health center appointment (S5's matters, nothing serious) which was all good. We focused on S5's stuff as we should.
Later at evening she drove D10 to me as was planned, I asked her to come in as we had some plans to make relating to summer vacation (yes we have to plan our vacation for summer already). It was good as well, no fighting about anything and she left soon (I don't ask her to stay at coffee or anything, ever, the sooner she leaves the better).

The result for summer planning should have been ok for her, or so I thought...

It didn't took long time since we were text-fighting again. I reminded her that she got every wish she had for the summer trough and should be happy for that. But she wasn't. She felt (like EVERY summer this far, even when we were together) like she has to sacrifice too much for kids care at summer, as she has much more vacay than I do. Neither of us can really complain, we have very good vacation policy in my country.. anyway, every summer she decides to do that so kids can have a long holiday and we don't have to pay for daycare. That's good and I appreciate it BUT every year I also have told her that if she wants more free time at summer, it would be fine to me if S5 stayed at daycare a bit longer. She always chooses no and ALWAYS uses her sacrifice against me at some point. Still is and that was the beginning of our text-fight. I was tired and bit down already so I didn't have strength to stay out of it, I got sucked into it big time. Didn't end nice and we blamed each other for, well, everything.

I was totally disappointed to myself for not being cool and wise enough to just ignore her, but it also made me think why it still is so difficult to me. I tried to find the trigger which does it, and it is probably the overwhelming feeling of unfairness, what comes to all that projection and how she just lives her life on like nothing happened during last years. Monstering today and asking me to join her and kids to trip overseas at summer tomorrow  :o Living her life with OM and still trying to control me, like she still thought I am there as a plan B. I have told her very clearly I am not anymore. And the most important note to make is that SHE IS still controlling me. I still let her, not for same reason as an year ago when I still dreamed her to come to her senses  ;D
But in some other, weird and twisted way.

SO there is no better objective to me than to get out of that hook, one way or another. In theory I know she will lose her power over me the day I just learn to totally ignore her, whenever she is at monster mode. I have to take few steps back now to see how it is done in practise and that means to think yesterday's fight retrospective, text by text and to understand what is the point I give up and got myself sucked in. To live is to learn, no better way to see it yet I know I wrote these same sentences 100 times before here  ::)
Slipping sideways again but I'll fix it.



"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #116 on: February 26, 2019, 06:11:52 AM »
Dont beat yourself up mate, your Human and she is an Alien.
I am so glad that I have no small Kids = constantly Meeting XW! I couldnt do what you are doing mate, that is hardcore but your doing it so well.
We all slip up sometimes and she knows exactly what Buttons to push to start you off.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #117 on: February 26, 2019, 06:17:07 AM »
Some say we only learn by making mistakes.  You have experienced yet another lesson of life and gained more perspective into your own mind (and her mind!) through this ‘mistake’. 

Speaking for myself, not making mistakes is the biggest mistake I could have made!  Look what I have learned by making so many mistakes!

I’m glad (OK, only in hindsight...) I learned to zip and still my fingers only because I experienced the bitter results of not having done them!  If I had zipped and stopped typing all those embarrassing begging emails to H right from BD, I would not have learned this lessons.   My regret of having done them is so great that it worked like inoculation against them. 

Do you know what I like about your attitude, Silver?  You apply your own 2X4, learn from the experience and march on.  ‘Next time better’ is your attitude.  I like it! 

((((((((HUGS))))))))
« Last Edit: February 26, 2019, 06:19:06 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #118 on: February 26, 2019, 06:34:12 AM »
This is where the "Rule of 3" comes in VERY handy....

Is someone dying or in some other emergency? - 3 minutes
Is it something about the kids in near-term (next 24-48 hours)? - 3 hours
It is something that is routine? - 3 days....
Is it Monster-text? 3 weeks at LEAST.. Because by then, you have forgotten about it <snort>  and if she brings it up, THEN is the perfect time to say that you didn't see the need to reply to a text like that as there was no point in it, you don't feed Monsters anymore, and if she wishes a reply, then she can communicate in a polite and civil manner...... THAT should get her REALLY riled up... When you ignore the Mid-Lifer's Toddler temper tantrum, that pushes their buttons like nobodies business...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #119 on: February 26, 2019, 06:36:29 AM »
Is it Monster-text? 3 weeks at LEAST..

I beg to differ, UM.  3 seconds flat.  To dismiss and forget!  ;D
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #120 on: February 26, 2019, 06:36:42 AM »
Acorn and WhyUs are both so right.
I wonder if at some point the expectation sneaks in that, now they have what they want, they will be more reasonable and fair bc we feel as if we have been treated so unfairly. And of course with MLC it just doesn't. Which proves it isn't you but sucks anyway.
Sounds like you need a break from your xw and to hang with some nice normal non MlC folks  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Acorn

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #121 on: February 26, 2019, 06:40:09 AM »
I have an idea, Silver.
When you have the urge to text back to her, grab the thickest mittens you have and keep them on until the urge disappears.  This is easy compared to finding a mouth zipper on Amazon. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Thunder

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #122 on: February 26, 2019, 07:06:50 AM »
I like that, Acorn.  Silver go buy some mittens today.   :)

Am I hearing you right, she wants you to go on vacation with her and the kids????  ::) ::)
How confusing for them.

Good grief, they just don't get it, do they?
We are no longer a family dear, you put an end to that.   There will be no "family" time.  There will be you and the kids time, and me and the kids time.  ::)

I agree with you Silver, she just wants to control you.  Only you can stop that, my friend.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Watcher

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #123 on: February 26, 2019, 07:21:08 AM »
Silver,

In their mind we are plan B. That's what I have found to be true. You are never going to convince her otherwise. They are plagued by doubt over the decisions they have made IMO. As long as you have kids that controlling aspect will always be there. You have a monster on your hands. It's not easy to navigate.


Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #124 on: February 27, 2019, 12:25:19 AM »
Thank you so much my friends,

Oh my, so many things here to think about, where would I be without all you as soundingboard. You people are like loads of wisdom and life exprience saved in the cloud and be downloaded whenever needed.
 
Whyus, Treasur, Watcher - what I need exactly would be a break from her, but as you pointed it is very difficult as we have small kids together. I am so relieved though that the house is sold and doesn't tie us together anymore. I have (almost seriously) thought that it would be lovely to have someone between her and I to mediate all the communication, like how would you call it in English, an agent?  ;D I am trying not to beat myself Whyus, yet I am disappointed in myself bc I do so well and really progressed, even detached and feeling acceptance at times. But I guess the better you go forward, the harder is to accept backsteps.

Acorn - Thanks,  I only wish I had your zippermouth, I have no idea how you have managed to do what you have, to live with him and so patiently kept your mouth zipped! What comes to mittens  ;D - a great idea, I don't even have to buy them as I live in Scandinavia, I have closet full of mittens! Not sure what to tell to kids though when they ask me why am I wearing them inside or at summer.

Thunder - yes she actually asked me to travel abroads with her and kids next summer  :o Wasn't even first time post divorce she does that. She thought I would have loved to travel to NYC with her right after divorce, together just two of us  :o :o :o Nothing strange in that?!?!? I have concistently answered her that there IS NO family anymore to spend family time with. There are now TWO families, her's and mine and she can fly overseas with kids and OM or TGF or her sister or whoever she wants with, but not with me, I will do my traveling with kids without her.

This is where the "Rule of 3" comes in VERY handy....

Is someone dying or in some other emergency? - 3 minutes
Is it something about the kids in near-term (next 24-48 hours)? - 3 hours
It is something that is routine? - 3 days....
Is it Monster-text? 3 weeks at LEAST.. Because by then, you have forgotten about it <snort>  and if she brings it up, THEN is the perfect time to say that you didn't see the need to reply to a text like that as there was no point in it, you don't feed Monsters anymore, and if she wishes a reply, then she can communicate in a polite and civil manner...... THAT should get her REALLY riled up... When you ignore the Mid-Lifer's Toddler temper tantrum, that pushes their buttons like nobodies business...

Yip, I am trying to adopt rule of 3 better. What is obvious is that whenever I am down, tired, stressed, not slept well.. I seem to forget the whole rule existing.
Maybe I will change my phone homescreen text from "Release, just let go" to "Stop writing her you tool, you didn't count to 3!"

But hey, I managed to do this yesterday evening, she texted late that S5's doc called about his blood tests and he needs some supplement for hypoferremia. XW didn't ask me will I go to pharmacy to buy it but told me "you probably go to get it to him" instead. So I decided not to answer, she didn't actually ask me anything so why bother  ;D
Still haven't wrote her back.  ;)

 




"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #125 on: February 27, 2019, 03:47:53 AM »
Silver,

Or maybe just change your home screen to "Did you count to 3?"

No point in calling yourself names for the whole world to see... ROFL.....

PERFECT. She didn't ask you anything so there is no point in replying... She'll need to get some of whatever it is that S needs too for when he is with her...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #126 on: February 27, 2019, 10:04:00 AM »
Trust me Silver I am the WORST at that lip-zipping thing. I think when you have a full-fledged monster in your face, doing that is even more difficult. Not even sure I could do it presently. One day at a time is how I approach it. "Today I will will be the sane one." LOL.  But, my H is more of a complete avoider so there is never really much interaction.  Very little monster form him, if at all. Really, my problem is when I'm on the chardonnay and get too "thinky" and "Victimy".  No bueno!

I am still in absolute awe over the vacationing together thing with your X. Just further evidence of the crisis I suppose.

Hang in there friend. You are seriously doing great. We all falter. We would not be human if we didn't react to these antics in one way or another.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #127 on: February 28, 2019, 03:33:43 AM »

No point in calling yourself names for the whole world to see... ROFL.....


I thought it would be it more effective  ;D Not sure how bad "tool" is in English though, learned it from Whyus...
To me "tool" always meant things like hammer or screwdriver.

Really, my problem is when I'm on the chardonnay and get too "thinky" and "Victimy".  No bueno!

I am still in absolute awe over the vacationing together thing with your X. Just further evidence of the crisis I suppose.

Hang in there friend. You are seriously doing great. We all falter. We would not be human if we didn't react to these antics in one way or another.

Thanks KIT. I so agree the danger when on chardonnay, been there enough!  ;D

Before MLC started, XW had very clear opinion about people who still hang out with each other or even stay in contact after separated. It was totally no-no to her. Now she seems to think it would be a GREAT idea to fly to NYC together with her or vacationing as a family, without being a family.  :o She still hasn't suggested sex with me like "c'mon what's the big deal?!" so I guess I should be relieved it is only let's spend time together cr*p so far.




"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #128 on: February 28, 2019, 04:32:02 AM »

No point in calling yourself names for the whole world to see... ROFL.....


I thought it would be it more effective  ;D Not sure how bad "tool" is in English though, learned it from Whyus...
To me "tool" always meant things like hammer or screwdriver.

Hmmmmmm OK English Slang 101.... If a male English speaker calls someone a "tool" it is like calling them a wanker or a numbnuts or a (German) Vollidiot or a$$hole or jerk.....

Really, my problem is when I'm on the chardonnay and get too "thinky" and "Victimy".  No bueno!

I am still in absolute awe over the vacationing together thing with your X. Just further evidence of the crisis I suppose.

Hang in there friend. You are seriously doing great. We all falter. We would not be human if we didn't react to these antics in one way or another.

Thanks KIT. I so agree the danger when on chardonnay, been there enough!  ;D

Before MLC started, XW had very clear opinion about people who still hang out with each other or even stay in contact after separated. It was totally no-no to her. Now she seems to think it would be a GREAT idea to fly to NYC together with her or vacationing as a family, without being a family.  :o She still hasn't suggested sex with me like "c'mon what's the big deal?!" so I guess I should be relieved it is only let's spend time together cr*p so far.

<snort>  My STBXW didn't want to have sex with me anyway so that is not an issue but she has pulled the "Family time" and "taking vacations together" nonsense .....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #129 on: February 28, 2019, 05:13:43 AM »
Numbnuts was it again??

learning English has been one of the true advantages of being LBS to me  ;D
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #130 on: February 28, 2019, 11:21:10 PM »
If you call somebody a tool then your basically calling them a "Pen!$" or a "prick". Or numbnuts  ;D
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #131 on: March 01, 2019, 02:54:58 PM »
If you call somebody a tool then your basically calling them a "Pen!$" or a "prick". Or numbnuts  ;D

...or my personal fav..."Douc#e-bag"
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #132 on: March 08, 2019, 06:42:32 AM »
Thanks my dear friends for English lesson, always appreciated  ;D

Journaling

Sorry for the long one.

NOT an easiest day today. We had the social worker appointment today, the one that got canceled at Jan. It was about kids obviously, XW booked the appointment months ago, bc she wants to talk about custody stuff. As you know we have joint custody (correct term?) and week-week system, her being primary parent to D10 and I to S5. She wants to have S5's primary parency as well, bc it would make her life easier in the future, as I couldn't really have a word for where she would move next, kids' schools etc would go after her decisions (not in theory but in practise would). But she can't really say so, bc we have agreement, a contract made in social office an year ago, in which we agree to split primary parency as well.

So what she does is telling lies, lots of lies, projecting everything bad in the world to me in front of social officer. She told that nothing works with me, we can't agree about anythin, I threaten her with this and that, I'm bitter bc she divorced from me and trying my everything to stop her being happy with OM. This was just part of it my friends, there was A LOT more. I was shocked tbh, I really didn't see it coming THIS bad. She even told that I was NEVER interested in kids business, even when we were a family, and she had to do EVERYTHING..etc. Have to say that she hurt me very bad with it, it was absolutely an attack I didn't expect, painting a picture about me being devil.

She yelled, shouted, didn't let me talk, interrupted me all the time, and then, cracked up. Started to cry, almost hysterically, telling she can't take this anymore, nearly left in middle of appointment. She really seemed to believe in everything she said. And believe me my friends, there were A LOT OF LIES, which I said out loud as well. About her part, she refused to discuss about of course. There was her as a victim and I as a bad man who prevents her being happy. She accused me about theatre and drama, that everything I do, say and write is just a play, trying to manipulate her and officials, I'm only acting.

All this she did with brand new diamond ring in her wedding finger. Two months ago she told me she was never going to get married again, even OM would want to.

Me, I tried to stay as calm as I could, and I did well. But I was hurt, it was so low even from her. I told to social officer that I am not willing to discuss about making a new contract about primary parency bc XW has absolutely nothing to base it on, nothing concrete she could use against me. I told that I am willing to open the whole our text message thread which includes 95 per cent about our communication, just to show how things really are, how she lies and to give an objective information about our situation. I have nothing to hide - she has, a lot, and so she refused. I told that they will be used anyway if we go to court about custody stuff, and that I am prepared to go but would really not want to.

The next step will be her and I seeing mediators, don't know about schedule but it will include several appointments. The goal is to make a contract and agreement without going to court. If we can't, we go to the court.

Probably a mistake was that I called her after the appointment. Just to tell that I don't blame her about anything and that I'm sure we have a mutual goal, being kids wellfare and make sure they keep having both their parents in their lives in the future as well. I told that my reason to call was to try to fix a situation a bit, that we shouldn't start the mediation process after this kind of disaster which the appointment was as we can't reach anything if we do. She agreed, but in a minute she was already criticising my parents, bad, so I told her this was maybe a mistake and hung up.

Sitting here with Jameson in my hand, trying to understand that she actually got engaged. To me it can be even good, she is even more gone now to me and the ring may me help to move on, not to give any thoughts about her and I anymore, to leave the rope down for good. The other thing I'm thinking is that this was the first time she showed out signs about starting to crumble.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #133 on: March 08, 2019, 07:16:13 AM »
Sounds to me as if her world is beginning to implode.... But isn't quite there yet... Sort of like



Good call about releasing the messages / emails. If she wants to lie, then she has to be aware that you can counter it... That should make her rethink...

She really DOES, however, sound like my xW1... She has rewritten history to the point where she actually believes her own lies....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #134 on: March 08, 2019, 07:46:22 AM »
Sorry Silver, that must have been very painful. Mediation sounds like a waste of time if that kind of behaviour continues unless the mediator is really good at boundaries.
Given xw's behaviours is it worth considering upping the ante - now that she has forced a revisit of the previous agreement  - and you applying for primary parent for both kids?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #135 on: March 08, 2019, 09:26:28 AM »
Hmmmmm, sounds more like that ring is causing a massive implosion. She really lost it. I am so sorry you were the object of her venom.  I am sure that was so painful.  And though I know it is no excuse, she is not in her right mind. Much of what she said was her victim mode and projection  going full blast. She probably doesn't even realize it yet.  But again, doesn't excuse it, maybe just explains more the terrible place she is in.

Enjoy the Jameson my friend.  I'd say you earned it.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #136 on: March 09, 2019, 06:31:23 AM »
Doesn’t sound like unicorns and rainbow with OM. Sound like a bandaid more than a ring.
M 52
H 47
M 12 years; together 17 years
D17, S27
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #137 on: March 10, 2019, 10:16:43 PM »
Sorry you had to go through that Silver.  It sound like she was actually projecting all the bad bits of her onto you.  They all re-write history, so that's no surprise.

The calmer you present yourself to her, the more likely she is going to crash.  If you ever get annoyed in front of her, it only gives her more reason to tell herself you are not a good husband/father/person. Stay super chilled and don't react to her nonsense.  Any action you need to take for the kids you can do away from her with the lawyers.

I know you think the om is an ok person, but what kind of man wants to marry a woman this soon into a relationship?  There must be something very wrong with him to even want to date a newly separated woman.  The LBS never sees the full story, it only comes out after a long time and it's probably worth getting the popcorn ready for that one ;)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #138 on: March 11, 2019, 02:43:22 AM »
The LBS never sees the full story, it only comes out after a long time and it's probably worth getting the popcorn ready for that one ;)

Yep, because you KNOW what is coming....

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #139 on: March 12, 2019, 02:12:47 AM »
Thank you all, your support is most appreciated as always.

Few days after mini BD, meaning the monster raging at social worker appointment with diamond engagement ring in her finger. I feel getting backstep or two. Somehow it is so final now. Divorce is not necessarily the end, many of us think. That may be right when talking about MLC spouse. But having been more than an year with OP, getting engaged, it feels more than impulsive MLC behaviour. Believe me, I could live with that already, I've gone forward since divorce, defenitely, IF there would be any justice in our divorce. There isn't much really. Re-writing history the way she has, seeming to believe in it herself and telling that all around (at officials at least and no doubt to everyone near her as well) seems just almost too unfair. Still.

A little responsibility about herself, courage to see inside, to see what brought us here or at least to say she had some part in it, would be enough. I wrote about money I lost in divorce, the paper I signed when I was totally lost at time of BD, doesn't help at all when trying to fight not becoming bitter here. She got her money and I got nothing about thousand of euros I spent in our living taking from my savings. I could somehow take it to court if I wanted to but what would that mean? Total war and the result would be those euros only make the lawyers rich. It is "only" 10 k but it is a big money to me in this life situation.

It's probably just a cycle, I waited the ring to appear tbh, but still it was a mini shock to see it. Maybe the good part in it is that things are just a bit more concrete in this process I'm going trough.

Positive news is she didn't turn down my suggestion about kids living and school arrangements in the future, if she should move with them. She thanked for the email and said it is a appropriate and good suggestion and should be considered in mediation. This was right NEXT MORNING AFTER her monster show at social worker  :o

I'm trying to take next step forward again, counting my blessings and to be thankful for everything I have, no other way to live.

(Whyus, thanks for cyber Jamesons, needed that mate)


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #140 on: March 12, 2019, 02:19:02 AM »
Save that e-mail as well as any communication on her raging at the Social Worker... You'll need it for later...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #141 on: March 12, 2019, 04:58:57 PM »
Silver

You certainly have had the rough end of her MLC stick. Don’t try to ‘cope’ too well with all of this. This is horrendous what we are going through and yours is worse than some do don’t wirry if you backward step, you need it.

A teenager with a diamond ring after a year with OM, I think Saviour Faire has it right he has something wrong somewhere.

How’s the new place coming along? Happy with it?
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #142 on: March 13, 2019, 01:29:56 AM »
Thanks UM, I will.

Thank you Rose too, nice to hear from you as always  :)

I am happy with my home, trying to keep it an stay in the area, even she decides to move. So far she hasn't planned moving far so it might work but you never know. If I have to I of course prioritize being involved in kids life as much as possible over the area and house, if I have to move I will move. As long as she has her job in the area and OM as well, things should be relatively fine.

Not sure about OM, if there is something wrong with him or he is just in love. Truth is he asked her to marry her just few months after they started dating. They planned at least at some level moving together in the future, like month or two after started their relationship. He is divorced (I don't know when and how) and has 2 kids (teenager and preteen) in shared custody I think. I really don't know much about him, only a little (from work area) and for what I heard from kids. He is nice and ok to them.

I don't think he sees much wrong in my XW who obviously has told her story very well. She is a victim and that's it and needs to be saved. Like she was when I met her, just divorced from her 1st husband. I was obviously a saviour back then.

Knowing my XW very well, MLC or not, there will be enough drama in their relationship.. there is no question about that and less she has control over me, things to blame me (her story needs a bad guy!) with, the more there probably will be drama in their story. If he can handle that, good for him, ask me if I care!  ;D

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #143 on: March 13, 2019, 02:38:51 AM »
I don't think he sees much wrong in my XW who obviously has told her story very well. She is a victim and that's it and needs to be saved.

Yip, full of $h!te and lies. You were surely a terrible H and never home. You were probably crap in bed too  ;D

ask me if I care!  ;D
Do you care? (just joking Silver). 
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #144 on: March 13, 2019, 03:28:09 AM »
Yip, full of $h!te and lies. You were surely a terrible H and never home. You were probably crap in bed too  ;D

Not sure should I be proud or what as the only thing she never accused me was that!  8)
(the bed thing I mean)
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline joeblue

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #145 on: March 13, 2019, 04:03:52 AM »
I am happy with my home, trying to keep it an stay in the area, even she decides to move. So far she hasn't planned moving far so it might work but you never know. If I have to I of course prioritize being involved in kids life as much as possible over the area and house, if I have to move I will move. As long as she has her job in the area and OM as well, things should be relatively fine.

Can she just do that? I mean move away and force you to follow, if you have shared custody and a 7/7 split?

Will the authorities not look at Silver and say "well, one parent want to stay in the area so the kids don't have to switch schools and abandon friends etc., so the best option would be Silver as full time parent?". That would be the outcome(in my country) if my XW wanted to leave the area.

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #146 on: March 13, 2019, 04:25:02 AM »
I am happy with my home, trying to keep it an stay in the area, even she decides to move. So far she hasn't planned moving far so it might work but you never know. If I have to I of course prioritize being involved in kids life as much as possible over the area and house, if I have to move I will move. As long as she has her job in the area and OM as well, things should be relatively fine.

Can she just do that? I mean move away and force you to follow, if you have shared custody and a 7/7 split?

Will the authorities not look at Silver and say "well, one parent want to stay in the area so the kids don't have to switch schools and abandon friends etc., so the best option would be Silver as full time parent?". That would be the outcome(in my country) if my XW wanted to leave the area.

Hi joeblue, welcome on board!

In my country it practically depends on which one is a primary parent. There may be exceptions but generally he/she is the one that decides where kids live in the end. Right now we have both shared custody (50/50) and primary parency as well, me being primary p for S5 and her to D10. This is more like uncommon decision but may be done. In case of court process, it would more probably be looked in a way that kids stay together as siblings, than the other living with mom and the other with dad. So court would need to make decision to give primary parency to one of us. Though the situation is not that clear anymore than it was few decades ago, they tend to bias to mother when talking about small kids like S5. In our case, it could still be either of us and the point you made COULD be enough to me having primary parency but really, really not necessarily. It doesn't probably matter who did what in marriage (as far as there wasn't violence or substance abuse etc) and who wanted to divorce. Divorcing is made VERY easy in my country and it happens all the time, it wouldn't probably be any kind of premise that bc she wanted to 'go', I would be the 'sane and steady' parent to them. Then again staying at the area we are living now COULD be benefit for me as kids have friends and familiar, good neighbourhood here etc.

In practice, I don't have to follow her, wherever she decides to move, but if she gets the primary parency for both, that would be my only choice IF she moved far away in case I want to see (I do) my kids every other week.

It is all just about scenarios so far, I hope we will have an agreement in mediation process.

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #147 on: March 15, 2019, 04:53:50 AM »
Few thoughts in need of venting.

Talked with J, we have been seeing each other 6 months now, you could say us a couple already. In practice meaning that we are not dating other people, seeing each other regularly, having intimate relationship. And became very good friends with same taste for so many things, same values, sense of humor alike.. I have been seeing her kids more sparsely than she has mine bc it is easier for her to visit us than us/me her, mostly for practical reasons. My kids adore her and always wait for her visits.

We have mutual agreement that since we both have recently divorced from long relationships, we should no hurry in our R in any way. I have feelings for her for sure, but I am afraid she feels even much deeper about me. Not sure if that is the correct word, more it may be the fact that she seems to have recovered faster from her D (her H was the one that left though they sort of agreed about it, still she had really hard phase after it happened) and feels emancipated and ready to go forward. For me, well all of you who may have followed my story have seen it has been quite a tough road in many ways. I am not standing and still letting go has been very difficult, even it's been 15 months since divorce. Situation with kids between me and XW that inevitably ties me to her in future as well, is the biggest issue in letting go and going forward.

J would be ready for more serious relationship, she really seem to want me which is of course great, but I can't rush.. Need to take it slow, not sure for how long.. I feel sometimes the whole situation unfair against her, she is very patient and has not pressured me at all, she is a great person and beautiful woman. Atm I feel like burden to her at times tbh...

I told her very honestly that I don't know when I'm ready and to what I'm ready in future, that I have need to be by myself too, to let life just flow day by day. I told her that I wouldn't blame her if she wanted to go and find someone that is readier. She doesn't want to, not yet anyway. I'm a little confused with myself, what should I do. Continue being selfish and do it my way (my way or highway?) Or just ask her to go, which would be hard but I could live with that.

When I met XW and we started dating and moved together VERY soon, still bleeding both from very recent divorces, I remember how I felt like I jumped on the train I wasn't sure do I want to drive it. We bought a house, big mortgage together, she got pregnant.. and so on.. all in time we should probably have used to healing from our divorces. At beginning I was the one that felt trapped at times, even though good things happened and that relationship, even it ended bitter, got us the greatest gift (D10 and S5) we could ever get.

As we divorced 15 months ago I decided that I MUST give myself all time I need this time to recover, to heal. Not trying to hide scars but to get from wounds to scars before giving myself to new relationship. I think XW showing a week ago with engagement ring in her finger might be very welcomed kick to my butt, yet still I don't feel quite ready for giving 100 per cent to R with J - which she absolutelty would deserved.

Thanks for reading, needed to get this out. See, standing isn't easy but moving on isn't easy either...

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #148 on: March 15, 2019, 06:25:18 AM »
Silver,

You didn't ask for advice so I won't give you any.....

I WILL give you a couple of questions.... AND they are REALLY only for you. You do not have to answer and I do not expect an answer....

What are you scared of with respect to J and your R with her?
What is causing you to doubt what she is telling you, that she is cool with the way things are at the moment? Is that a bit of MLC experience creeping in to the present from the past?
Are you assuming responsibility for her emotions?
You said that you feel sometimes like a burden to her... Why? What indications has she given you that this is, in fact, the case? Anything? Assumptions rather than facts?
What is driving you to make a binary (my way or the highway) decision? Why is it black and white only? Is there a possible compromise, a middle way? Or maybe no need for a decision at this point at all?

Some food for thought...




Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #149 on: March 15, 2019, 09:07:27 AM »
Silver

I agree whether we stand or not, none of this is easy. Has J dealt with MLC with her XH? If not maybe that is why she has found it more straightforward to move on.

You have been on a trip to Hell. You reached your destination and are on your way back thank goodness. I am glad you are not diving into a serious R without fully healing first. Speaking from my experience, which hasn’t been as nasty as yours, I would love attention from someone, I’d find it hard to resist but really I need to go through this the hard way and not ‘feel better’ as I am getting my emotional support from someone else, I need to heal myself first so that anyone I meet afterwards meets a fully together person. It would complicate my life further if I met someone atm.

It seems too soon for you too. You have had BD, the aftermath, the divorce, the new flat, selling the house, the legal cases, meeting J all within a number of months. It’s a lot!

We’ve known each other a long time now so I know you will take this with love!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online SilverTopic starter

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Re: Awake & Alive
« Reply #150 on: March 18, 2019, 01:16:24 AM »
UM, thank you, I read your questions trough again and again. I guess the middle way is possible as long as J stands that anyway. I can't give more of me that I can give at the moment. If she is fine with that, then good. If she is not, I understand her. Probably assumptions from my side quite a lot, maybe I just don't trust in relationships in general after 2 divorces and MLC horror...

Rose, thank you too. Yes I'll take it with love, you are correct, I have been trough quite a lot in relatively short time. Not healed yet, that's why would be best to be alone for a while.
Then again, life happens! Sometimes a person you couldn't ever have imagined just walks around corner, am I willing to let her to walk on without giving a chance, just bc of my scars and fears?
Not sure, not easy decisions.

I will end this thread now, it has been more than 4 months since I started it! It may be a good sign to see I'm not here every day journaling, things starting to calm down little by little perhaps.

Standing behind my title, I truly am awake and alive and that's more than enough to me at this moment.

New thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10733.msg715772#msg715772
« Last Edit: March 18, 2019, 04:36:02 AM by Silver »
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

 

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